This was part of a doodle comic I drew in the margins of my high school English book that I happened to find one afternoon.
Stick Figure 1: A good story is a striptease.
Stick Figure 2: I know I'm going to regret asking but, how?
SF1: Well, it's no fun if you just expose everything all at once; you take things slow and reveal each part piece by tantalizing piece. In the end, you leave 'em wanting more. If you're really good at it, people will give you money.
SF2: I'm not sure whether to be in awe of how brilliant that is, or scared that you're using perverted metaphor this early in the morning.
SF1: Well I could have used perverted simile but it's far too early to be saying "like".
Where the Hell Are We Now!
By Kaori
"All right," Kotorra said arms akimbo as she surveyed her new employees. "welcome to Kejibi Mochikaeri. We're going to start serving lunch in two hours so here's the deal: Sasuke, you already know you're going to be in the kitchen with me. Sakura, you'll be waiting tables, Naruto you'll be taking Konohamaru and Udon's place and helping Gina with the delivery run."
"Yosh!" grinned Naruto.
"Well, you all have your assignments." Kakashi said loftily. "I'll come back later and…"
"Oh no you won't." Kotorra grabbed the jounin by the arm. "You've gotta work too. I'm still being forced to pay for two genin and a jounin for this assignment…"
"Wait, two genin?" blinked Sakura.
"Yeah, you and Naruto. Sasuke's pay is going into his share of the rent money and our food expenses. I'm not running a flophouse for wayward genin you know; he's gotta pull his weight too. Anyway Kakashi, since Bradley is at the counter, Gina has to make deliveries, and I have to run the place and watch this malcontent," she jerked her thumb towards Sasuke who glared. "I need somebody to pick up our supplies and the overdue delivery bills."
"I could mind the restaurant and the malcontent." Said Kakashi, who was really looking forward to kicking back with Icha Icha Violence. Sasuke glared at being called a malcontent by his own sensei.
"Yeah, but can you make chicken parmesan?" snapped Kotorra.
"Chicken what?"
"I rest my case." She shoved a thick manila envelope into his hands. "These are the inventory lists and the places you have to go to pick up everything. Make sure they don't try to pass off any old food on you." She handed him a piece of paper. "This one is the names, addresses, and amounts that people owe for delivery. Be polite but not too polite, and make sure you get me my money." And without another word she grabbed Sasuke by the arm and pulled him into the kitchen.
"Better get moving, Kakashi-san." Bradley said. "We're going to need some of the stuff you're picking up for the dinner shift." The jounin sighed, and opened the first envelope, scanning over the letterheads before ambling out the door.
Gina clapped her hands to get the attention of the genin standing before her.
"Okay!" she chirped. "Sakura, put this on." She threw an apron over to the pink-haired girl. "When customers walk in you say "Welcome to Kejibi Mochikaeri" and then ask them where they would like to sit. If a table is unavailable ask them to wait and to look at the menu items on the wall. When a table opens up, clean it, seat them, and take their order. Oh yeah, and if anybody orders number forty-six on the menu…" Gina walked over to the cashier's area and pointed to a bell pull. "pull that rope."
"Why? What's so special about number forty-six?" asked Sakura. Instead of answering, Gina pointed to the wall.
There were four sets of five wooden tablets on the walls. Each tablet had ten menu items listed on it; the first twenty-five were lunch items, the rest were dinner items. Sakura looked at the one with menu items forty through fifty. Item number forty six was something called Mannish Water.
"Huh? What the heck is that?" Sakura frowned. Gina told her. "That's disgusting!"
"Yeah, we have a promotion going that anybody who doesn't take a drink of water before finishing the whole bowl and doesn't throw up immediately after finding out what's in it (1) gets to eat here for free for one year."
"How can you eat that?"
"You put it in your mouth, chew and swallow. Really Sakura it's not that hard." Drawled Gina. "Hobnestly, how did you become a ninja if you don't even know that?" Sakura raised her fist and prepared to hit her but Naruto grabbed her.
"LET ME GO, NARUTO!"
"NO SAKURA! YOU CAN'T KILL THE CLIENT (2)!"
In the kitchen Sasuke smirked involuntarily. Ah the things Sakura did when she thought he couldn't hear her.
"Sasuke are you listening to me?" Kotorra snapped her fingers in front of his face. "Pay attention." He glared at her but she paid it no mind. "Now that I've got your attention, here." She handed him a vegetable peeler. "Get to work on those." She said as she waved a hand towards a bucket full of potatoes. "I'd give you a knife but I'm not entirely certain you won't try to kill me."
Sasuke turned the peeler over in his hands a few times (briefly contemplating whether he could kill Kotorra with it) before sitting down in a nearby chair and commencing peeling. Kotorra walked over to a bucket full of tomatoes and started mincing them, humming a little as she worked.
Out in the village proper, Kakashi was meandering towards the butcher shop to pick up the first set of items on Kotorra's list: eighty pounds of pork, ninety-eight pounds of mutton, sixty-two pounds of fish, and one hundred pounds of beef. Since she'd already paid for everything all Kakashi had to do was hand over the receipt. And a good thing for that too because...
"Icha Icha Paradise: Moonlight Madness is on DVD already?" gasped the jounin, plastering himself against the window to get a better look at the store display. Seconds later the store owner came rushing out.
"Hey! Quit drooling all over my window! Oh, Kakashi-san, it's you."
"Good morning, Isuzu-san." Smiled the jounin. "Are you really selling Moonlight Madness?"
"Yep, four hundred and fifty yen. It's the director's cut with the alternate ending." Kakashi got weak in the knees at the thought.
"I'll take two!" he said. One to watch and one to bargain with Hokage-sama with.
"Pervert senses…tingling…" murmured Gina as she fixed a tablecloth. Bradley looked at her askance but didn't get to respond as the phone rang and he had to take an order.
"Did you say something, Gina?" Sakura asked. The other girl didn't get a chance to answer as the front door was kicked open.
"JIRAIYA IS HERE!"
"YOU DAMN LECHER! IF THAT DOOR'S BROKEN YOU'RE GONNA PAY!" yelled Gina, suddenly tackling the old man and knocking him to the floor.
"Oof!" grunted Jiraiya. "Damn you're heavy for such a skinny girl."
"Shut up! I can' t help it!" Gina crossed her arms and glared down at him. "You try having titanium for bones and see how much you weigh."
"If you came here for lunch you're a bit early, Jiraiya-sama." Said Sakura.
"Actually, I came here to check on Sasuke." Said Jiraiya.
"He's in the kitchen with Kotorra." Naruto said, slightly disappointed that the old lecher hadn't come to see him.
"In the kitchen eh? I wonder if Kotorra made him wear a frilly apron." Gina and Naruto giggled at the idea of the brooding boy in such a getup. Sakura glared at them.
"What's going on out here?" Kotorra poked her head out of the service window. She noticed the door and then looked to see Gina sitting on Jiraiya's stomach. "Hey, are you sure you should be doing that? I mean there are children watching and this is a restaurant not a bordello."
"HEY! I like 'em young but not that young!" protested Jiraiya.
"AS IF I'D WANT TO DO….THAT WITH YOU!" screamed Gina, standing up and stomping on his crotch. Naruto and Bradley winced in sympathy.
Once Jiraiya had recovered somewhat, Sasuke was made to sit in a chair while his curse seal was examined. There was no noticeable progression but Jiraiya reinforced the containment seals that had been placed on it once again just in case.
Lunch time rolled around rather quickly and that's when things really picked up. Kotorra rushed from one side of the kitchen to the next, barking orders at Sasuke who actually struggled not to get confused.
"Sasuke stir the pot!" Kotorra called over her shoulder as she took two plates over to the service window. The dark-haired boy stopped chopping cabbages and went over to the large simmering pot, took the lid off and started stirring the contents. "Sasuke, take the chicken out of the oven!" He almost forgot to use the oven mitts as he bent down to open the oven.
"Whoo! Sexy!" catcalled Gina, coming into the kitchen just as Sasuke reached into the oven. (3)
"GAH!" yelped the boy as he hit his head.
"Don't you dare drop that tray!" barked Kotorra, rapidly filling containers with soup and packing them into Naruto and Kotorra's packs along with several larger containers of food. "Sasuke get the tea!"
DING. Rang the little bell next to the service window, indicating that another order had just been placed. Kotorra rushed over to get it. Scanning it over quickly she placed it on the empty spot on the corkboard before rushing over to the counter to finish plating an order of steamed fish and rice.
"Where the hell is Kakashi?" she growled. "He hasn't come back with any of our stuff yet!"
"Yo." A lazy voice called from the back door.
"WHAT TOOK YOU SO FRICKIN' LONG?" raged Kotorra. Gina cowered behind Naruto, who was hiding behind Sasuke. Kotorra's eyes suddenly narrowed. "You stopped to buy porn didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?" The annoyed teenager didn't give him a chance to answer as a frying pan suddenly appeared in her hand and she beat him over the head with it. "When (WHACK) I (WHACK) tell (WHACK) you (WHACK) to (WHACK) do (WHACK) something (WHACK) don't (WHACK) screw (WHACK) around (WHACK)." At the last hit Kakashi disappeared into a puff of smoke.
"Kage bunshin." Muttered Sasuke. Everyone looked around rapidly and spotted the real Kakashi sitting on the kitchen counter.
"Mah, I'm sorry Kotorra-san."
"Oh you're gonna be, Kakashi…" she was about to lunge at him again when she suddenly remembered where she was. "Gah! I don't have time for this…Gina! Naruto! Don't just stand there gawking, go deliver that food! Sasuke, that soup needs stirring again! Kakashi, I'll deal with you later but right now you need to put that stuff into storage until I'm ready for it! ARGH!" she rushed over to a stove and started stir frying some vegetables.
"I've never seen her so worked up before." Kakashi said to Gina.
"You think she's worked up now, you should see her when she has to cater events."
"Oi! Quit that chattering! Work!" yelled Kotorra.
1) Mannish water is a spicy soup and its main ingredients are the inside of a goat's or head, goat's feet, and goat's scrotum among an assortment of vegetables boiled and at least one scotch bonnet pepper in a soup. If a man eats it, it's supposed to be like Viagra, if a woman eats it its just soup. And before you ask, yes I have eaten it; I'll try anything once. If it tastes good I don't see any real reason not to eat it.
2) Isn't that a nice little reversal from the Wave Mission?
3) My cousin did this to me once when I was reaching into the oven to take out a cake. I almost hit my head on the top rack.