"How'd your doctor's appointment go?" I put my tray down on the table and sit across from her. I don't know why she opted to sit in the corner by the trashcans by herself but that's where she sat. She looks at me with a confused look on her face then turns around to see if anyone's staring at us. Of course people are staring at us, though. So far, they've only heard rumors about me dating the hot intern. Today is literally the first time we're in public together. She refused to have lunch we me, Mere and Cristina because she didn't want to be stared at. I know how much Jo doesn't like to be stared at over this but I'm at the point that I don't care anymore. She's my girlfriend now. Izzie's out and Jo's in. Who cares if anybody has something to say about it?

She has nothing on the tray in front of her except for a bag of unopened Cheetos. Some internal instinct told me that she wasn't going to buy any real food for lunch so I bought enough for the both of us. I think I might've figured out why she doesn't eat at work. I've been thinking and maybe she can't afford it? The food is pretty expensive here because it's not absolutely disgusting like hospital food usually is. As employees, we get a small discount but I remember when I was an intern how bad it'd break my pocket to eat every day. That doesn't really explain why she won't eat at home where food is readily available to her, but maybe that's why she won't eat here. "…Jo? You okay?" Her face is so pale that it's nearly transparent and she looks like she might pass out and fall out of her chair.

She closes her eyes and nods, like something in this room is unbearable to her. She says she's okay so I have to take her word for it…even if I don't really believe her. I open up the container to the chicken salad I bought from the lunch line and unwrap the turkey and cheese sandwich that went along with it. French fries don't really go with turkey sandwiches and chicken salads but they had the really good fries today and I couldn't resist, so I got a boat of them as well. I grab one of the plastic disposable trays I took from the line start to evenly distribute the food between the two of us. Without a word, she slides her hand across the table and grabs the bottle of water I brought over as opposed to the bottle of blue Gatorade I bought specifically for her. The water's supposed to be mine and the Gatorade is for her. She's been throwing up for a while and not eating so I got the Gatorade to replace the electrolytes she lost from puking.

"No, this is yours." I take the water away from her and slip her the Gatorade instead. "I want you to eat something today. Just a little bit." I slide the tray of sandwich, salad and fries I made over to her. She looks like she's about to bust out into tears. "Jo, what's wrong with you?" She just shakes her head. With a soft pretzel and a bottle of flavored water in tow, Stephanie comes over to the table we're sitting at and stands right next to her. "Beat it, Edwards." I stammer. I just want some alone time with my damn girlfriend and I know that's not too much to ask. When I tell Stephanie to get lost, Jo picks her head up and just gives her a look that I don't recognize. I've known Jo for nearly two months now and I've pretty much mastered what all her looks mean. I know if she bites her lip, it means she's nervous. If she rolls her eyes, she wants you to leave her alone. When she shifts her jaw to the side during a conversation, she's upset about something. The look that she just gave Stephanie is one that I don't recognize though.

"…You okay?" Edwards puts her hand on the table next to Jo, turns her back to me and keeps her full attention on her. "You need to talk?" She brushes the palm of her hand across Jo's forehead, moving her hair out of the way. Jo doesn't even respond to that. If I didn't know any better, I'd say she's in shock. I can't figure out what she'd be in shock about but I swear that's how she's acting. Edwards reaches in her pocket and hands Jo two round blue pills. She untwists the cap off the Gatorade and holds it up to her mouth. Jo takes a sip to swallow the pills and returns back to her lifeless, emotionless state. "I'll see you at home." She brushes hair out of Jo's face again, gives me a look that lets me know she's every bit of concerned about my girlfriend as I am then walks away.

"Seriously Jo…what's going on?"

"Nothing. I have a headache." Her voice sounds like it's meant for tears to be falling from her eyes. She rubs her eyes with her hands and pushes her chair out just enough for her to put her head down on the table. She folds her arms and rests her face inside of them on the table.

"Okay." I reach across the table and brush some hair away from her ear. She has a little brown speck on the tip of her ear. I think it's cute how she has marks all over her body—even on her ears. Even though her face in buried in her arms and the only visible part of her skin is her ear, I can tell that her face is red underneath her arms. I can tell because the tip of her ear is so red that it looks like somebody colored on it with marker. I think she's crying. "…Did your appointment go well?" I don't know why, but my mind is immediately flying off in the direction that she's sick with something incurable. Maybe because I've been through this before so I'm immediately nervous, but that'd be just my luck wouldn't it? Just my luck to get a double dose of sick girls.

She nods her head quickly, slides herself back in by her legs and picks her head up. She wasn't crying but her face is really red. "Alex?" Her voice is clearly filled with nervousness. I lean forward without saying anything so she can feel free to tell me whatever it is she needs to tell me. I don't know if I'll be able to handle it if she throws a whole "I have cancer" thing on me. I don't know if I'm ready for that. But I don't want her to feel like she can't tell me anything because she literally can tell me ANYTHING. "I'm…" Her voice trails off and she stops talking. She's what? "…Having really bad cramps right now. I'm just not in the mood to talk…okay?"

"That's fine, babe." Is that it? She has cramps? That's what this whole thing is about? "We don't have to talk. I just want you to eat something… I'm worried about you."

"…I'll eat later. I'm just not in the mood to do anything but sit here."

"…Okay Jo. Fine. Don't eat. But I'm not gonna keep letting this slide. You're starving yourself…"

"I'm not starving." She sighs.

I feel like if I keep talking about this, it's going to turn into an argument because she's so adamant about NOT eating and it's starting to irritate me. I don't want this relationship to end up like the one me and Izzie had where we argued all the damn time so I'll let this argument just drop. "You coming over tonight? I work 'til 10 tonight but I'm off tomorrow so you can stay over."

"I can't." She slides her chair out again like she's ready to get up. She picks up the Gatorade and circles her finger around the cap. "I have to talk to Steph tonight." She dismisses me like it's nothing, like I didn't even ask her to come. I'm not real sure what's going on with her. Maybe she just doesn't want to stay the night tonight which is okay, she could just say so. She doesn't have to go and put forth all the extra effort to come up with some bullshit reason as to why she can't.

"If you don't wanna stay the night, that's fine. That's all you have to say." I lunge across the table and grab ahold of her wrist. "I was just lookin' forward to spending time with you tonight."

"Alex, I never said that I didn't want to stay the night with you. Of course I do. I just… have other obligations tonight." She snatches away from me. "And I don't really need you to put me on a guilt trip about it."

"I'm not trying to guilt you into anything. If you feel guilty, that's on you." Her eyes widen then roll, her face flushes bright red. I remember this look. This is the kind of look she used to give me back when she hated me. I don't like her looking at me like that. I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose. "What's so important that you can't talk to her about it when you get off then come spend time with me afterwards?"

"…Trust me Alex, it's really important." She looks at me with apologetic eyes. "It's really important…okay?"

"Too important that you can't tell me?" I fold my hands and just look at her.

"…I will tell you. Just not right now." She looks so nervous. "Please believe that you'll know sooner or later…"

"What's it about?"

"None of your business."

"Are you breaking up with me or something?"

"No."

"What's it about, Jo?"

"NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, GOD." She slides out of her chair and walks away from the table. When she storms past me, I grab onto her wrist again so she can't walk any further. "Get off me Alex. You're pissing me off so bad right now." She tries to pull away from me but I tighten my grip around her wrist. "Stop it!"

"No…come here." I pull her hard towards me. "Sit down. I'm not letting you walk away all pissy and mad. Last time I let you walk away mad at me, I scared myself to death thinking about where you could be because I couldn't find you." She's not even looking at me. She's looking around at all the eyes staring at us. The only reason that today is the first time we sat together in the cafeteria is because she doesn't like all the stares she gets for dating the previously engaged resident while she's just an intern. She doesn't like being the topic of stares and since we were just arguing quite loudly, more than half the cafeteria is staring at us. "…Fuck them." I pull on her arm to draw her attention to me instead of the others. "Look at me." She's still looking around. "Jo. Look at me." Reluctantly, her eyes draw down to mine. "Fuck them. Let them stare. You're mine and there's nothing that staring is gonna do about it." It bugs me that she cares if they stare but it bugs me even more that they DO stare. "Now sit down…" I pull her by her arms until she catches the drift that I want her to sit on my lap. She does but she doesn't seem enthusiastic about it. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing's wrong!" She doesn't exactly raise her voice; she just says it so she can get the point across to me. "I just can't come over tonight…maybe tomorrow morning or something but definitely not tonight." She tucks her hair behind her ear. I wrap my arms around her waist while she's sitting on me and put my head in the middle of her back. "…Steph's going through something. She's having trouble with something and she needs my help with it. If I… if she…" She clears her throat. "If she tells me it's okay, I'll tell you what it's about soon. I just don't think you need to…know right away."

"Does it involve you?" Since my arms are around her waist, I slide my hands up and rest them flat against her stomach. "Whatever you have to talk to her about, I mean. Does it involve you in some way?"

She reaches down and makes me move my hands away from her stomach. "Kind of..." She sighs again, her voice sounding like her happiness has been deflated. "Just know that it's of the utmost importance. It's really important…"

"Promise you'll tell me?"

"…Yeah, eventually."

X X X

"You did a really nice job… hiding the scar in the facial plane, I mean." Using a cotton swab, I gently smear some antibiotic ointment on the stitches of the cleft-palate baby we fixed yesterday night. The little guy's doing really well for the complication we had during his surgery last night. "Kid's gonna live a pretty good life, looks like."

"Sloan taught me. It's a pretty simple fix, actually." Avery mutters, busily typing things into a computer in the corner of the room. "Some plastic surgeons will make the mistake of cutting directly at the nose instead of going around… that makes for a pretty nasty scar." I'm not sure if he's talking to me or himself. I toss the cotton swab away and grab some dressing to redress the baby's face so his incision will heal properly. "I guess I'm just glad that the kid will be able to go to kindergarten someday without being made fun of."

"I guess plastics is actually important…" It's fun to bust Avery's balls sometimes about the fact that he's a plastics resident. Honestly, I have respect for all specialties. I don't actually think some specialties are bitch-baby specialties. I do think some are harder than others of course, but I really don't disrespect any specialty. It's just fun to poke fun of him over it. "You know, when you're not sucking fat off someone's ass or putting Jell-O in a pair of A-cup boobs to make them Ds."

"Told you plastics is more than just face lifts, ass-implants and liposuction." He finishes typing whatever he was typing into the computer and comes over to the baby's cradle to check the way I dressed his incision. "Sometimes we actually get to change a person's life…" The baby stirs whenever Jackson touches the dressing to check how tight it's on there. "…But I guess you wouldn't know that since you babysit all day."

"Screw you." I clean up all the paper and old dressings so I can get the baby settled for the night until rounds tomorrow morning. His parents should be back from the cafeteria any minute and Robbins promised them that they could hold him tonight. "You just wait. In what… four more months? You'll be babysitting too. You just wait. My job will be your LIFE in a few months. And you won't be getting paid to do it."

"Guess I should learn how to change a crappy diaper then…" He helps me out with cleaning up.

"You probably should." I shrug and hook the baby up to some monitors.

"You hanging out with Wilson tonight?"

"Nah, she got some girl stuff going on…"

"I need a drink… Joe's after we get off, you in?"

"Why not?"

Jo's Point of View.

My fingers brush across the bumpy, ridged white cap while I ponder whether to open it or not. What if I just don't take these? What if I ignore this whole entire thing? I'll go away, won't it? Kind of like when you have to pee really bad. Sometimes if you ignore it, it goes away. So if I ignore this, maybe it'll just magically go away. If I spend my time thinking that this isn't really happening to me, maybe it really WON'T happen to me. Just out of curiosity though, I twist the cap off the pill bottle and dump some of the things into my hand. They're circular-shaped, bright orange pills that are about the size of a bottle cap. How the hell am I supposed to swallow these, if I do decide to take them? I shovel all the pills back into the bottle and snap the cap back on. I toss them onto my bed and walk over to my dresser to find a pair of pajamas to put on.

I lied to Alex. Flat out, completely, totally lied to him. I don't have any intentions on talking to Steph about this tonight. I'm not telling her about this because all she's gonna do is tell me "I told you so!" Why would I tell her? I lied to him because honestly, I don't think I could face him tonight. Not tonight, at least. I can't face him so soon about it. I'm not even over it. If I stayed over his house tonight KNOWING that I'm still a little bit buzzed about what just happened to me today, he'd see it written all over my face and he'd without a doubt figure it out. I'm not ready to tell him yet. I don't think I want to tell him because…sick as it is, deep down inside me, I'm hoping that I'll miscarry. I contemplated throwing myself down a flight of steps at the hospital when I was going home for the night. I really don't want this.

I really hope that I have a miscarriage. I don't think I'd be able to forgive myself if I went and forked out all the money I DON'T have to go kill off the thing that's growing inside me so naturally, I'm hoping that maybe God or whatever's out there sees that I can't handle this and makes me miscarry. Does that make me a horrible person? I want my baby dead. I'm such a horrible person for that, aren't I? There's a baby inside of me that's counting on me for food, love and nourishment. But I don't love it enough to feed it and I damn for sure don't care about it enough to nourish it with big ass horse pills that'll get stuck in my throat.

I drag one of Alex's t-shirts out of my drawer and pull it over my head. It's only 8:00 at night but I really want to go to sleep for the night. I don't work tomorrow because Dr. Hunt called all the interns off. None of us work tomorrow. I think I'm just gonna spend the day in bed, watching TV. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to spend time with Alex yet. I don't want to spend time with him until I decide what I'm gonna do. I mean, I don't really wanna tell him. I don't want to tell him about it anytime soon because I just don't know how to. How do I tell him about this? Do I just walk up to him and say, "Hey, I know we just started dating but you're stuck with me for eighteen fucking years because you knocked me up"? And how do I tell him that his career is ruined? Mine is ruined? How do I tell him that he can't devote all his time to becoming a Pediatric surgeon anymore because he's gonna have to help me raise a damn kid?

I've been crying all day so logically I think I'm out of tears but somehow, some start to slide out of my eyes while I'm pulling on a pair of purple plaid pajama pants. Do I have to tell anyone? I'm so confused because I really want to be alone in all of this. I don't want to tell anyone and I don't want anyone to know that I'm gonna have a baby and I'm better off just doing this all on my own, I think. Yet… I'm so alone and it's making me feel nothing but really fucking sad. I kind of wish I had someone there to lay my head on their shoulder today in the doctor's office. I'm all alone and it really sucks. I go over to my bedroom door and pull it open. Steph's sitting on the living room couch with her laptop on her lap and a slice of leftover pizza in her hand. I walk past the TV and go into the kitchen. I yank open the fridge and grab the foot-long Subway hoagie I stopped and picked up for myself on the way home from work. Can I be honest? I'm still not very hungry (even more so now that I got horrible news today, my appetite's all fucked up) , but when I passed the Subway when I was driving home from work, I kind of thought that maybe I should… nevermind.

I put the hoagie on a paper plate and open it up so I can put some dressing on it. It's not appetizing to me whatsoever. I even ordered my favorite; turkey sandwich, bacon, ranch dressing on the side so my bread doesn't get soggy, American cheese, toasted. I got my favorite sandwich ever and I'm still not even hungry. It's not even making my mouth water. But I drizzle the ranch over the whole sandwich anyway and close it up. I pick up the Gatorade that Alex bought me for lunch that I didn't finish and take my food to living room. I sit down on the loveseat and put my plate and my drink on the coffee table. And like a delusional little idiot, as if the thing in my belly can hear me, I start to talk to it inside my head. Let's get this straight. I don't love you. I don't even like you…not even a little bit. In fact, I hate you. I don't want you. So don't take this personally. I'm just feeding you. That's it. Just feeding you. I pick up a half of the hoagie and take a bite.

"Finally got your appetite back?" Steph looks up from her laptop. I shake my head, mouthful of sandwich. I take another bite of it. I like turkey sandwiches…do you? This is better than beer, isn't it? Sorry about that. I don't think I would've done that if I knew you were in there. How about a cookie to make up for it? I swallow my mouthful of hoagie and reach into the bag that my hoagie came in and pick out the chocolate chip cookie I bought to go along with it. I don't know why I feel like I need to make it up to the thing for drinking beer but…whatever. Probably the same reason I felt the need to feed it when I drove past the Subway coming home from work. I don't love it though. I swear I don't love it. "Jo?" I look over at Steph and mumble "hmm?" She looks at me like I'm stupid. "I said I'm glad you're eating… didn't you hear me?" I shake my head again. I was too busy talking to it.

"I zoned out for a minute." I put the half-bitten cookie down and pick up my sandwich again. I take another bite of it. "I kind of figured I should eat something. I'm still not hungry though. This tastes…bland." I shrug and dust off the first half of my hoagie.

"I heard the pills they give you for UTIs make your food taste like rocks. That's probably why it doesn't taste good." She still thinks it's a UTI… I push the second half of my sandwich away from me along with the cookie and sit back against the couch so I can brace myself for what I'm about to do. I just feel bad that she thinks it's a UTI when it's something far worse than that. "I should've run to the store and grabbed you some cranberry juice for it. Cranberry juice really—"

I look down at the fabric that the couch is made of and desperately choke back tears that are threatening to fall. "I'm pregnant, Steph." I interrupt her. I didn't mean to blatantly interrupt her just to come right out and say it but if I didn't just say it, I would've chickened out of it like I did with Alex earlier. I was gonna tell him at lunch earlier but I totally freaked out and decided not to at the last second. So now I don't think I'm ever gonna tell him until it's noticeable for him to find out on his own. I still have a while before I start showing though. I look up at her. Her face is really pale, and it's apparent because her skin is naturally dark. Her face is pale, her mouth dropped open and her eyes are wide. "That's…why the appointment took so long." A tear fell but I hurry up and swipe it away before she could see it. "I went to see an obstetrician."

"…You're lying." She shakes her head. "You're so full of shit."

"DO I LOOK LIKE I'M FULL OF SHIT, STEPHANIE?!" I'm crying hardcore now and there is no disguising it. "I'M FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. I'VE BEEN FREAKING OUT ALL DAY. I CAN'T EVEN HOLD IT TOGETHER."

"Oh my god." She covers her hand over her mouth. "I…I knew it. I knew it. There had to be a reason you were throwing up over the smell of my chips… and you totally looked it. Your face had no color, you were sick as a damn dog, moody as hell… I knew it."

"Please don't say I told you so. That's why I didn't even wanna tell you 'cause I knew you were gonna rub it in and I don't need you to rub it in right now." I put my hands over my eyes and my chest starts to hiccup for how hard I'm crying. "Don't rub it in, Steph… don't rub it in. This is the…" I can't even get out another sentence. "…This is the WORST thing that's ever happened to me…"

She slides her laptop off her lap and comes over to sit by me. "I'm not rubbing it in. I'm not." Like she's my mother and I'm her child, she forces my head onto her chest while I'm crying. She's rubbing my back, which feels good but it's not helping. Honestly? I'm freaking out. I'm freaking out right now. I've been freaking out all day but now I'm just letting it all out. I'm gonna have a BABY. I don't want it but I'm having it. No matter what I do, for the rest of my LIFE, I'm gonna be someone's MOTHER. "What did they tell you? Did they tell you like… how far along and all that stuff?"

"I'm five freaking weeks. Five weeks, Steph… I'm just…" I sniff. "I'm due on May 1st. I'm not…"

"Shh…" She keeps rubbing my back. "Did you tell Alex yet? …Is it Alex's?"

"Yes it's Alex's." I roll my eyes at that. "Just my luck. The first time we slept together I get freaking pregnant." I keep my head on her chest. I'm not calming down by any means, but I'm starting to stop crying. "It's totally what I get though. I was on top of him and he told me…you know?" I wipe my eyes hard. "He told me he was about to but I figured I didn't have to stop right away because he… he wasn't gonna cum right then and there…so I kept going and then I felt it. I felt it and then I got off. But it was only a little bit… it was a little bit." I sniff again. "Then my fucking birth control falls out the next day but stupid me… not even thinking, I figure that I don't have to take the morning after pill because… it was in when he came. It was in when he came inside me so I figured I was okay. But I'm so fucking stupid. I went to med school but I didn't put it together that sperm can live inside you for DAYS before it dies… I should've taken a morning after pill then too. I should've…"

"…Are you keeping it? You started eating… does that mean that you like… want to keep it?"

"NO!" I shake my head so fast that my head hurts. "…That's another thing." I wipe my eyes again. "I feel like such a shitty person. I'm so fucked up. Like… what kind of person doesn't love their BABY? I don't love it, Steph. I've been…." I don't really know if I should tell her this, but here goes nothing. "I was thinking of ways that I could kill it. I was gonna go fall down some steps, drink castor oil, go to Joe's and drown it in booze… I don't know. And I feel like shit… I'm SICK. What kind of person thinks of ways to kill their baby? I must be mental…because that's sick." I'm crying all over again. Shit. "I hate my kid, Steph… and that's gonna kill me. That's gonna kill me… I don't wanna hate it. I'm so sick for that…"

"No you're not… you're just confused. You're not sick…" She wipes away my freshly fallen tears. "Jo, you're not sick. You're okay… you're just confused. You're okay. It's gonna be fine…"

"NO IT'S NOT! I'm never gonna want it. I'm so scared…like what if I never love it? What if I'm stuck with a baby I don't love for the rest of my life? What kind of mother would I be?" My jaw trembles. "Then… I'm confusing myself because…" I sniff. "I don't love it, Steph. But… I was driving home and I passed up Subway and I just thought… you know…" I just look at her, tears streaming down my cheeks. "It's my baby. I can't just…not feed it. I'm it's mommy. I can't… I'm no better than my own mother if I do that. I just… I don't know. How can I not love it but want to feed it?"

"You're not heartless, Jo. You do love it… deep down somewhere, you have love for that baby. You know you do."

"But I don't."

"Then why'd you feel the need to eat something? You haven't eaten a proper meal in a week but you find out you're pregnant and all of a sudden you scarf down a half of a Subway hoagie? Sounds like love to me."

"…I don't know." I sigh.

"Did you tell Alex?"

"No…and I'm not going to."