Julie walked past the many paintings hanging on the high walls and opened the door at the end of the corridor with caution. A brief look into the room confirmed her guess that Severus was not there. Frustrated, she sighed, closed the door, and turned to go back to Severus' office. After their conversation last night, she had not seen him. He had not been in his office in the morning, and had not appeared for breakfast. Julie was worried because she could not find him anywhere. On this gloomy morning, Julie became aware of Hogwarts enormous size for the first time. Her legs had grown tired of walking. But she could not just sit in her room and wait. She was too restless. Julie walked around the corner and began to chew on her bottom lip as she pulled her cloak closer around her body.

Why couldn't she find Severus? With every step she did, her inner discomfort became noticeably stronger. When Julie had awakened early in the morning, she had already felt a profound inner unrest and an unpleasant pain, which she could not comprehend. That was why she had come to Severus' office, but she had found it empty. He had not been in his private rooms either. Julie felt unsettled by this terrible inner feeling and just wanted to talk to Severus about it. Perhaps he could explain what was wrong with her. Unfortunately, he was still untraceable. She sighed again and looked up. Doubts appeared on her pale face as the hallway before her split into two hallways. What direction should she take?

Julie decided to take the right hallway. She knew who she could ask. After several staircases and two long corridors, Julie approached the large double doors leading to the hospital wing. Carefully she opened the door and threw a cautious look inside. Two beds were occupied, but Poppy was not present. Julie entered the large room quietly and approached the door leading to Poppy's private rooms. She knocked gently and entered the narrow hallway before she closed the door behind her. To her relief, Poppy stood in the small room, at which table Julie had once sat with her. A smile appeared on Julie's lips as she remembered the day.

"Poppy," she said softly.

Surprised, Poppy looked up and waved Julie over. "Oh, Julie, are you all right? You look a bit pale today," she asked, looking at Julie as she entered the room. "What's wrong with Severus, was he too busy to attend breakfast?"

Julie was surprised by her question and at the same time disappointed. "Um, I've actually come to ask you where he is," explained Julie. "I was hoping you'd know."

"Severus is not in the dungeon," Poppy asked, astonished.

"No, he's not there, I've been looking for him in all sorts of places, and I could not find him anywhere," said Julie, audibly frustrated.

Poppy's eyes glittered. That sounded very good. "Did you," she asked, as she eyed Julie with a mischievous grin. "Well, I can not help you unfortunately. Either you continue your search for Severus, or you just wait in his office until he returns," was her advice.

Julie was not enthusiastic about the idea of waiting for Severus, "Well, anyway, thanks, I'll probably continue to look for him," she said softly, turning to go.

"You have not answered my first question, you look pale," said Poppy.

Julie turned to her, "I feel terrible," she said as she rubbed her hand over her belly.

Poppy watched her gesture, "Did something happen," she asked.

"No, not that I know. I woke up with that feeling today," Julie said, "I was hoping Severus might help me."

Again Poppy's eyes glittered, "Just look for Severus, I'm sure he can help you," she said, looking over Julie's shoulder. Their conversation was interrupted by a student, who burst excitedly into Poppy's corridor. The old witch quickly passed Julie, who followed her slowly. Julie cringed as she entered the hospital wing. Apparently a student had been injured during Quidditch practice. She turned her eyes away and left the room as fast as she could. In the hall, it was much cooler and Julie wandered aimlessly through the hallways of Hogwarts for some time.

Where was Severus? She'd like to talk to him. Julie could not lessen this unpleasant feeling in her. Somehow she felt as though she was still at Ilvermorny School. This feeling reminded her of the time when she had had to endure immense torments. As she ran across the hallways of Hogwarts this morning, she'd felt as if HE were lurking behind the next corner. That was totally crazy and absolutely impossible. But why did she feel like that? Julie chewed nervously on her bottom lip. Something was wrong. Only she could not tell what it was. Where was Severus?

A little later, she left Severus' office with a very frustrated expression. He had not returned during her absence. Where else should she look? Julie looked around questioningly and let herself be carried by her tired feet. A little out of breath, Julie arrived a little later on the astronomy tower. She immediately saw Severus' figure as he sat on a bench, looking out over the landscape. At last, she thought, as she lingered for a moment on the railing of the stairs to recover from the ascent. She was out of breath. Then, as her breath had calmed down, she slowly walked towards him.

Severus winced as her fingertips brushed over his shoulders. He glanced up at her briefly before he reached for her hand and pulled her to the bench. Julie stepped around the bench and sat next to him. Her anxious glance was fixed to his face, which, despite his slightly reddened cheeks, seemed gray. Severus looked very tired. Julie pushed her own worries to the side. She grabbed his hands, which felt cold and clammy, and Julie wondered how long he'd been sitting here. Her eyes fell on his jacket. Judging by its appearance, Severus had played with the buttons, which he now left open. When Severus did not speak, Julie took the floor.

I missed you, "Julie said softly.

Severus took a deep breath and turned his gaze from her to stare into the distance. "I've been looking for solitude," he said slowly.

"But why? Apparently it did not help. You look awful," Julie spoke openly.

Severus whipped his head around, a frown plastered over his features. After a moment of silence, his gaze wandered back toward the horizon.

"Why do you seek solitude," Julie wanted to know.

"I did not want to burden you with my dark thoughts," Severus explained.

A corner of her mouth rose slightly as she smiled weakly. "Even if it were a burden for me, I would like to take it upon me, if doing so would ease your burden."

"Despite your past, there are many things beyond your darkest imagination," replied Severus as he watched as Julie's thumbs gently stroked his hands. "You should be glad you know little about it, and that's how it should be," he added, looking into her eyes.

"Severus," Julie said softly, "I can understand what.. "

"No, you do not understand," Snape interrupted her, his voice was loud, but rather doubtful than annoyed, "You have no idea what you're talking about."

Julie looked at him in surprise as he stared at the railing near them, "I'm here because of you and that includes all these things. You would not be who you are if you had walked a different path."

Her words aroused another problem in Severus' mind, which he immediately voiced without thinking. His dark eyes met hers and his body tensed. "Who am I? Who am I, Julie? Do you know who sits before you," he asked bitterly.

Julie stared at him in silence, thinking about his words. She knew he had been a Death Eater. Everyone knew this. Why was he talking about it as if it were something new for her?

"I've been trying to be someone for a week, and it did not work," Severus said with deep bitterness.

"Severus, you tried to control your rage," said Julie.

"It's much more complicated than that. You do not understand," he said, his eyes hardening.

"Then explain it to me, Severus."

"I've tried to be.. a person, somebody.. no matter who." For a moment, Severus looked at her strangely, then his hard expression softened. "You can not understand this because you could always be yourself. You did not have to hide your true self from others. This is how you lived your life. I could not do that. I could never be myself. I assume that I've lost myself on the way. I do not really know who I am," he said almost inaudibly, as he slowly turned his gaze away from her and looked toward the horizon.

Julie was visibly surprised by his words. This was not what she had expected. This was something quite different. Poppy had once said that Severus' problems had originated not only in Voldemort's time but also in his childhood. She wondered what had happened then, but knew that she could not ask him now. It would only make his wound deeper.

Severus' body tensed. "I ... I'm not sure who I really am," he said slowly. "I'm not sure if I really belong here, whether that's what I'm doing is right."

"You do not doubt us, do you," Julie asked, in a worried voice.

The fear which he heard in her voice made him shake his head, "No, this is the only thing I am absolutely certain of," he said, clutching her hands to give them a firm squeeze.

"Severus, whoever you'll be, I'll be a part of you. And whatever you'll do, we'll do it together." Julie was suddenly afraid to be excluded from his life. She moved closer to him and squeezed his hands, which were resting on his lap. "We've gone through so much together. And what's left.. well, we'll sail through it.. together.. you and I," she said with a smile with which she wanted to cheer him up.

"I'm glad you're here, but ... You do not know how much pressure I have now. You've achieved so much in the past year, what I have yet to do. You do not know how frustrating it is for me. I feel like a failure. And you have no idea how much I want to be different. But I can not. Every time I see you, or think of you, I am painfully reminded of what I have not yet accomplished," he said, sounding depressed.

"Severus, you're not a failure. You can take all the time you need to find your path. Perhaps this path is quite different from what we think. Maybe easier, or more difficult. Who can say that? The time will tell. I do not condemn you for the side of you, which you try to hide. I've already told you this before. On the contrary, I am proud that you stand by the fact that there are qualities in you that you do not like. It requires enormous strength to do so. And if my presence reminds you of what you yet have to achieve, why can not you see that positively? You're faced every day with a person which reminds you where you want to go. Look at it as a help."

Severus became serious, "I do not want to be obnoxious, but I like it. It has become a part of me. Perhaps it has always been a part of me. I like to be rude to others. It is satisfying and even gives me joy. Take Mister Erland, for example. His disgusted expression when he came to my office last night made me so happy. It brought me a lot of satisfaction. Where did you sent him?"

"To Filch," said Julie. "I had overheard a conversation in the morning between him and Albus, in which Argus said he needed help to clean the sewers."

An evil grin appeared on Severus' lips, before he immediately became serious again, "Do you see? This is a balm for my heart, it makes me happy. Don't you think that's sick?"

Julie shook her head, "If someone else would tell me, maybe, but hearing it from you triggers understanding, Severus. You're who you are, your journey has molded you. You are, like other people, lovable."

Severus turned his gaze from her abruptly and stared with an iron face into the distance, his jaw clenched. Julie fell silent and looked at him for a moment. Then she took a deep breath and squeezed his hands gently.

"You've become who you are, because you've decided to do so. These were your choices. Instead of lamenting who you could be, or who you want to be, why don't you accept yourself for the man you are today? Accept yourself for the things you do, and accept that you have made mistakes."

Severus began to shake his head and Julie felt the muscles in his hands tense.

"You can now choose to be happy. But it is essential that you accept the life you have lived so far. Perhaps this will help you to draw a conclusion and continue, or to start something new. Otherwise you will continue to dwell in these dark thoughts."

Severus sat motionless for almost half an hour, and stared into the distance. Then he took a deep breath and his body relaxed. "I would like to leave everything behind and move on," he finally said.

Julie smiled. "In my opinion, that is only possible if you accept what happened. It was a part of your life, which is now complete. But it is up to you to draw this conclusion. You gotta want it, and do it. No one else can do that for you."

Severus sat silent beside her and stared at their intertwined hands.

"You chose the dark magic, you decided to become a follower of Voldemort. No matter what you did at that time, you decided to work for Albus as spy. That was your own decision."

"He has blackmailed me," said Severuis gloomily.

"Even if Albus blackmailed you, you were the one who allowed him to do so. Severus, what I'd like to say is you put yourself on the side of evil. Nevertheless, you have remained on the side of the good. You have made decisions that show this clearly. There is no black or white, Severus. We carry both in us. And we decide which side prevails. As I said yesterday, it takes time until the shadows of the night pass. When this is going to happen, your life will become colorful. And you do not have to do this by yourself. I'm here, we can do it together. You and I."

He nodded silently and cupped her hands, which had held his.

"Take a step at a time, and start where it feels best for you," said Julie.

"With you," he said almost inaudibly.

Julie blushed, "Since when are you up here," she asked.

"Since last night," Severus replied.

She looked at him horrified, "Since last night?"

Severus nodded, "Yes, but let's talk about you. You look pale today," he said, his gaze wandering over the gentle contours of her face.

"I've woken up with a feeling which is just terrible. It's a deep inner unrest. It's.., as if HE were lurking behind every corner. It reminds me of the time .. the time when I .. "

Severus turned to her.

"That's why I came to you just after getting up, but you were not there," Julie continued.

Severus felt guilty. "I'm sorry, for not being there when you needed me. And.. that's not your feeling, Julie, it's mine," he said softly.

She looked at him perplexed.

Severus looked at her hands, which he held before he looked Julie in the eyes. "Do you remember when I said we were sharing a connection?"

Julie nodded.

"You perceive my feelings. I did not want to burden you and thought it would be good if I stayed alone. I felt so terrible. Cabin fever set in and I had to go outside. That's why I came here. This feeling is so unpleasant and unbearable that I'm not able to bear it in closed rooms. It's.. as if death lurks. As you said, behind every corner, behind every door.. but this is MY feeling. An unpleasant feeling. In spite of Voldemort's death, it persecutes me from time to time. Believe me, I can not help it. When it starts, I can not stop it. And I'm sorry that you feel it because of me."

"And the pain," Julie asked.

Severus frowned, "You feel it, too," he said in horror.

She nodded, "It hurts, but not too bad."

He ran his hand through his hair before placing it over their clasped hands. "I'm sorry that you have to go through this because of me."

"But why are you in pain?"

What should he answer her? His memories were so deep and real that they caused him pain. "I was tortured by someone who was not a student, but one of the most evil wizards the world has ever seen. He did it to test me, to see if I am loyal, honest, really his own. Do not let us talk about it, it will only intensify this feeling."

Julie reflected his words for some time. Then she smiled at him. "Let's do something to make us feel better," she suggested.

"And what do you think that would be," Severus asked, looking at her expectantly.

"Um, I'll kiss you, and then we'll see," Julie said, leaning over to him.

With incredible speed Severus placed his index finger on her lips and stopped her, "Not here, not in.. public," he said softly as if he were afraid that someone could hear them. He looked around, and was relieved that they were still alone. A smile tugged on his lips as Julie kissed his finger, which he still pressed against her lips.

"Does anyone know of us," she asked, her eyes shining.

"No," he said.

"And how shall we behave," said Julie.

Severus straightened his posture, and suddenly looked very formal. "No matter whether others know it or not, affections are only exchanged behind closed doors," Severus said sternly.

Julie sulked and then nodded, "Done, if that's all, then .."

"The same applies to private conversations, which affect us and our relationship, which are intended only for our ears, no ambiguous gestures or words in public as to all Hogwarts' premises, except your room and my private rooms," Snape continued.

"Your office as well," Julie asked surprised.

"These gestures are now taboo in my office. Holding hands, embracing or the like are strictly forbidden outside our private areas."

Severus stopped and watched Julie questioningly. "What are you doing," he asked as Julie pulled her wand and muttered something. A small notebook and a pencil appeared on her lap.

Julie opened the notebook and flipped through it, "With so many rules, there is the risk of rule breaking caused by the large number of rules." She took the pencil and began to write.

Severus looked at her puzzled, and moved closer to her to read what she was noting down.

"The corridors of Hogwarts are included as they are also public spaces," Severus explained, as a grin appeared on Julie's lips.

"Anything else," she asked, as she had included the corridors of Hogwarts in her list.

"I think we agree that this is our private life, which doesn't concern others," Severus explained decisively.

"I think we both agree that we are practically living in a school, with teachers, students, house elves, and so on, making it difficult to live a private life, which makes it practically impossible to keep our relationship a secret," said Julie.

Severus had immediately perceived the worried tone in her voice, thinking about her words, he nodded thoughtfully. "It's difficult, you're right."

"Severus, our relationship will not remain a secret for long," remarked Julie.

Her words upset him. He looked at the list, which Julie had written. "I want to keep it secret, but you're right. I'm worried about you. When I think of the reporters I get greatly concerned. They'll dig up our stories and draw comparisons. People will talk. Certainly this blithering idiot Salvage will spill the beans. They will tell of their observations just to be able to stand in the limelight for a moment and.. it will hurt."

Their eyes met. "But nothing will change us. If at all, it will make us stronger," Julie assured him.

Severus smiled. Julie still did not know what she was talking about. He nodded to encourage her.

"Nevertheless, we will obey these rules," said Severus, pointing to the notebook in Julie's hands.

She followed his gaze and nodded in agreement. "You know what's this," she asked, raising the book.

"A notebook," he said soberly.

Julie flipped open a page and handed the book to Severus, who took it, read, and raised an eyebrow. Then he looked at her. "Is this the notebook you mentioned," he asked in surprise.

Julie nodded. "You can read it, if you like."

She watched Severus from the side as he read with full concentration. Now and then he raised his eyebrows surprised. His gaze wandered to Julie's hands, and he reached for the pencil. Severus looked at it thoughtfully as he rolled it back and forth between his thumb and forefinger. "Why does he look so.. strange," he murmured.

Julie grinned, "I've chewed on it."

Severus looked at her incredulously before shaking his head slightly and turning his attention to her notes. Julie frowned when she saw that he was making some corrections.

"I wrote that at night, when others slept," she explained the meanwhile numerous mistakes, which Severus corrected. "Do you really have to do this," Julie asked, looking at him. She was so close to him that she could kiss his cheek with ease, but she did not, because she would break a rule by doing so.

Severus grinned and nodded as he continued to read page by page.

Punctually for lunch, Julie and Severus left the astronomy tower. After Severus had completed his correction and had extended the list of their rules by many points, they had talked for a while. Severus followed Julie as they descended the spiral staircase. He felt like a fool because he had not gone to her when he felt so miserable last night. Nevertheless, he was glad that he had stayed the night alone with these feelings. It did not take a miracle to shake off these emotions. Julie's fellowship was enough to get over the bad feelings. Often help was so close, but Severus was mostly too stubborn to admit this. His life and everything in it had always been so complicated. It still surprised him that it could also be different. Julie showed him again and again that it was the simple things in life that made the difference.

Still in the hallway, before they could enter the Great Hall, Severus encountered two of his students, which approached him nervously.

"Is anyone dying," Severus asked, sounding bored.

The students shook their heads synchronously.

"Is it an emergency in any way?"

"No. It's, uh, no," stammered one of the students.

"Is it so urgent that it needs immediate attention?"

Synchronous head shaking.

"Then it can certainly wait until I had lunch," rumbled Snape.

The students nodded at once.

"I'll be in my office after lunch," Severus added coldly.

The students nodded mutely and quickly moved away from their house teacher.

Julie grinned amused as the two fifth-graders left in a hurry.

"What amuses you so much," Severus asked as he held the door open so Julie could enter the Great Hall.

"I can't say that," said Julie in a low voice as she passed him.

"Why not?" Severus asked, looking genuinely surprised, as he followed her.

"It will be against the rules," Julie explained, and sat down in her chair, grinning.

Severus sat next to her and could not suppress the grin that appeared on his lips, while he looked at her expectantly.

"It's your rules," she whispered to him.

"It's OUR rules," Snape corrected her in a whisper. "We both will benefit from them."

"You have set the rules, which means that they are yours," Julie retorted.

"No, I don't agree. You accepted them, so it's OUR rules," Severus replied.

"What are you two whispering about," asked Albus aloud.

Severus' body tensed, his grin was replaced by a blank expression, his gaze dark and cold, "We talked about rules, headmaster," Severus said dryly without looking at Albus.

"Rules, hm," Albus raised an eyebrow and looked amused at Julie, who was grinnig.

Dumbledore's unexpected interruption, annoyed Severus. Julie was right when she said that their external circumstances made it practically impossible to keep their relationship secret. Still, it did not change the fact that Severus felt that their private life was no one's business. Albus included. Severus' annoyed gaze wandered to his plate and he grabbed the fork and eyed the food. There were hard times ahead, because certainly not everything would be as he imagined.

He looked at Julie, who was already eating. She felt his gaze and a smile appeared on her lips as she continued to look through the large hall. Shortly after, Severus felt her foot brush his leg, and he realized that he was staring at her. With a deep breath, Severus turned his gaze back to his plate as he leaned over to her slightly.

"You just broke a rule," he remarked, his eyes now fixed on her.

Julie's eyes widened and she returned his gaze. "Will I have to serve detention," she asked half joking, half serious.

Severus leaned back and could not take his eyes off her.

"If you look at me like that, it will not be long before everyone knows," Julie said.

Severus grinned broadly and said nothing.

Julie blushed hard, "What? Have you suddenly changed your mind?"

"No, I did not, did you?"

Julie looked at Severus, confused.

"Admit it. It's OUR rules. You said it earlier today, after all, it's you AND I," Severus said, as a small smile tugged on his lips.

Julie, who felt Poppy staring at her, nodded slowly, "Alright," she whispered, "These are OUR rules."

A peaceful smile appeared on Severus' lips as he turned to his food.

Julie leaned back with a satisfied smile.

"What was that about," Poppy asked curiously.

"What do you mean," Julie asked, looking at her questioningly.

Poppy leaned forward and looked at Severus, who was now eating.

"Oh, that.." said Julie, grinning, as she thought of the new addition in her notebook. "It was about rules."