Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone
Chapter Thirty-Six
The penultimate night of his time at home for Easter, Sirius did not dream anything. He was aware of being very soundly asleep, but not in a way that allowed him to wake himself up. He was exhausted, mentally and physically. He had barely managed to hobble up the stairs to his room the night before.
BANG! "Sirius Orion Black!" Sirius jumped, nearly strangling himself with the sheets that entombed him. "Get out of that bed this instant!" His mother shrieked.
Sirius tugged at the sheets and toppled out of bed, barely managing to land on his feet.
"What do you think you are doing, staying in bed this late?" Walburga demanded. Sirius shrugged. "I am so sick of your insolence. Come with me, now."
Sirius glanced down at his attire, realizing he hadn't changed out of his clothes the night before.
"Come! NOW!" He hurried after his mother, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he did so. She led him into the kitchen, turning to face him.
Walburga was tall, even taller than Sirius himself if he didn't stand up perfectly straight. She grew taller when she was angry. Right now, he could barely see her, her face was so far from his own. She was towering. Her deathly pale skin was stark, unforgiving, inhuman. The only colour about her at all was her blood-red lips, which parted to speak. "Sleep until one, will you? You must need something to wake you up. And then, you will work."
"What do you want me to do?" Sirius asked dully. No fight at all.
"First, you will drink this potion," she hissed, pressing a goblet into his hand.
The potion was a nauseating shade of mauve, thick and heavy. Sirius held the goblet, staring at the concoction, desperately trying to think of a way out of swallowing it.
"Drink, Sirius. I'm waiting." He looked up at her, eyes begging her not to make him do this. "Now, Sirius!" Her long, pale fingers tenderly stroked her wand, a maneuver meant to be obvious yet subtle. A threat she could deny if necessary.
Sirius closed his eyes and gulped the potion quickly, wincing as it scalded his throat.
"Good boy," Walburga simpered. "Now, to work."
She ordered him to polish the family silver, dust all the furniture, scrub the kitchen floor. She kept him busy with trivial tasks all afternoon and evening, never even giving him a break to eat. Not that he had wanted to. His stomach had been aching more and more since he had taken the potion his mother had brewed. By ten he was exhausted, feeling weak and weary.
"Mother?" he said softly as he hovered in the doorway of the living room.
"Finished are you? Well, then get to work cleaning the upstairs carpets." Walburga waited only a second before speaking again. "What are you waiting for?"
"Well, it's just…" Sirius mumbled. His mother uncrossed her legs and leaned forward, fixing him with a withering stare.
"What, you ungrateful brat?" she said roughly.
"It's already ten," he said, lamely.
"Oh, I see, and you think you should be able to go to bed now, is that it?" Walburga's eyebrows rose almost to her dark hairline. "You think that you are above this work?" Her tone clearly implied her opposite opinion.
Anger like he had never felt before flared up inside him like a fire in his stomach, flames fingering up to whisper the words in his throat. "Yeah, I am."
She was up then, crossing the room, growing taller with her anger. He met her eye to eye.
"Insolent boy," she breathed, and slapped him across the face, hard. "You will not talk back to me!" Another slap. He was looking up at her through a frayed curtain of black hair.
He choked as his robes tightened around his neck, as he was jerked backwards, landing gracelessly in a heap on the floor. His eyes snapped open to find Orion glaring down at him.
"Get up, boy!" Orion barked, kicking Sirius sharply in the ribs. Sirius groaned, but pulled himself to his feet.
"You are worthless." Orion hit him, hard, across the face. Sirius stumbled back but caught himself.
"You are a disgrace." Another punch, but Sirius wouldn't let himself fall. "You are a failure. You are a black spot on this family's reputation."
"Things are going to have to change," Walburga said softly, brandishing her wand again.
"I won't – " Sirius began.
"Crucio!" his mother cut him off. Red streaked his vision, dark spots popping up, everything changing in slow motion as he finally fell. He clenched his fists, gritted his teeth against the pain.
"Rule number one," Walburga said calmly. "You will speak only when given permission."
He was dizzy, the world wobbled at the edges, threatening to disappear from under him, to leave him floating in this unbearable pain forever.
"Rule number two. You will do everything we ask of you, no matter what it is."
He closed his eyes tight trying to block it out, but it made his stomach hurt more, liquid boiling, sloshing, an entire hurricane inside him.
"Rule number three. You will be top in your class in every subject."
The world went black, the family name taking over, cloaking him in it, strangling him. He couldn't see, though he knew his eyes were open. His chest ached, he wasn't breathing. He didn't know how to make his body take in air. He didn't hear any more rules. His eyes didn't take in light, his lungs didn't take in air, and his ears didn't take in sound.
Awareness came slowly, fading in with soft light and a lot of shadow, very gently, as though he was a very delicate child.
"Get up!" Orion bellowed. The words washed over him in slow motion, and he tried to move. Nothing happened.
Twin iron vices clamped down on his arms slowly, dragging him up from the darkness, and he was on his feet. One vice grip dropped and he started to fall.
It was torturous, falling in slow motion, with infinite time to think if he would feel the impact or not.
He felt it, Orion's fist slamming into his stomach, folding him in half, letting him fall to the ground, crumpled.
Sirius breathed hard, ragged gasps tearing through an otherwise deafening silence.
"You are weak, Sirius," Walburga said venomously. "Pathetic."
Sirius pushed himself up to his hands and knees. Preparing to stand. Orion kicked him sharply and he rolled over onto his back, clutching his side.
"Damn you," he gasped. Walburga flicked her wand and pain took over again, but a different kind, not as intense. It was a dull ache, deep in his bones, but rapidly becoming more painful.
Nevertheless, he pulled himself to his feet, standing shakily before his parents, breathing hard, angry that his parents were not even out of breath.
"Have you learned yet?" Walburga asked primly. "Are you going to obey now, or should we continue with your lesson?"
Sirius opened his mouth to speak when he caught sight of Regulus, standing at the top of the stairs. His brother's eyes were wide and fearful, skin perfectly white under his dark hair. Regulus hated it when they hit him and Sirius had promised not to provoke them. But on the other hand, what did Sirius really owe to his brother? Regulus had never stood up for him.
But was it really worth it to anger his parents now? He was already hurt, his mother's potion was making him ill, the curse was becoming too painful to bear, he was almost too dizzy to remain standing.
"Well?" Walburga demanded impatiently.
"Do not ignore your mother!" Orion roared, with a punch that sent Sirius to the ground again.
Sirius pulled himself up to his knees, staring up at them, blinking hard.
"Have you learned your lesson?" Walburga repeated.
Sirius looked down at the floor. "Yes."
"What did you say?" She was going to make him repeat it. She saw that he was broken, and she would relish it.
"Yes," he said, a little louder.
"Yes, what?" Walburga sneered.
"Yes, ma'am." He hung his head.
"Very well. The carpets. Now."
Sirius hauled himself to his feet, his body protesting. He moved toward the stairs. Orion shoved him as he passed, and he pitched forward, the banister catching him across the chest.
"Stupid boy," Orion muttered.
Sirius didn't look at Regulus as he passed, but kept his eyes trained on the floor.
"Sirius?" Regulus whispered. Sirius didn't speak, just pushed past him. "Sirius, please…"
Sirius started with the carpets upstairs, working his way down. It was a long, laborious job, taking him into early morning by the time he finished.
"Tired?" his mother taunted as he leaned heavily on the banister. "Too bad. There's more for you to do."