Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight all recognisable characters belong to Stephanie Meyer.

Hey sorry I didn't do review replies for the last chapter but I've been working pretty much none stop this weekend, any free time I did get was spent editing this chapter, from the tone of the reviews I thought you'd prefer me to get it uploaded quickly! Lol

Anyway thanks for all the reviews, I do appreciate them.

Ok, Ok, I'll let you find out what happens now ; ) xx

Chapter 34: The truth hurts

Alice's pov

This Christmas was going to be the best ever!

That thought was almost laughable, but I was in no mood to laugh.

I was in no mood to do anything, even breathing felt pointless at the moment. There was no point to anything without Jasper.

I tried, I tried so hard to be cheerful around Em and Rose, to not let my crippling despair ruin their Christmas.

Every smile hurt my face, but I did smile. I laughed when Emmett told a joke. I sang along to the radio with Rose when we cooked up some Christmas treats.

Then the time would come to go to bed and I'd fall back into the blackness of depression, crying myself into an uneasy sleep filled with the same nightmare of being lost and alone. Waking up in the early hours of the morning, my screams muffled by the pillow that was slowly losing Jasper's scent.

Everything hurt and nothing made it easier. Every room held some ghost of Jasper, the kitchen where we'd first properly talked as he'd helped me cook. The dinning room reminded me of the time he'd set up a candle lit dinner when he'd been apologising. The lounge was the worst, our first kiss, every night we'd cuddled on the sofa, when I'd played guitar for him. I couldn't even take a shower without breaking down, the memory of his fingers working through my hair assaulting me.

And of course my bedroom, my bed. Every moment we'd shared, ever kiss, every touch.

It was like a movie playing over and over in my head and no matter what I did I could not turn it off.

Emmett and Rosalie seemed to be taking my lead and just not talking about it. The closest we'd come to breaching the subject was the day after Emmett had come home.

Rosalie had gone to do some Christmas shopping leaving the two of us alone.

"Alice can we talk?" Emmett called from the lounge as I continued cleaning the already spotless kitchen in an attempt to keep busy.

Dread washed through me as I slowly dragged myself into the lounge.

"About what?" I asked in a quiet voice.

"You know what." Emmett sighed patting the sofa next to him for me to sit.

I moved to sit down as slowly as humanly possible in the hope of prolonging the inevitable that bit more.

I couldn't look at Emmett as we sat side by side, a strange mix of anger and guilt warred inside me.

"Look I know you don't want to do this, and god knows I wish we didn't have to. But, now matter how grown up you think you are, you are still my responsibility."

My desire to be doing anything but having this conversation increased tenfold with that statement.

"Were you safe?" Emmett finally asked in a strained voice.

I frowned in confusion.

"When you … you know, were you…did you use protection?" he chocked on his words slightly.

I quickly nodded in confirmation "Yeah." was all I managed to say. It wasn't the embarrassment at discussing my sex life with Emmett, it was the absolute agony that shot through me as the movie of me and Jasper together started playing again.

I bit my bottom lip trying to keep the tears at bay.

"That's something I suppose." Emmett sighed.

We lapsed into silence for a while, I opened my mouth several times wanting to ask Emmett why he was so against me seeing Jasper.

I mean I know catching us in bed together probably wasn't the best way for him to find out, but even so, his behaviour was a little extreme.

Then again, after I'd broken up with him, it was highly unlikely Jasper would want to see me again.

My teeth closed tighter around my bottom lip and I tasted blood.

I risked a quick peek up at Emmett to find his blue eyes soft as he looked down at me.

"If I'd been honest from the start" I began hesitantly.

He squeezed his eyes shut tight "I would have been able to stop it going this far." he said calmly.

My eyes dropped back to where my hands twisted in my lap "So you'd have never given him a chance?" I asked softly.

I heard him sigh heavily "Ali, it's my job to keep you safe, and you can hate me all you want, but that is what I intend to do."

"I don't hate you." I mumbled "I'm sorry I said that, and I'm sorry I lied. I never meant to, I just…there was never the right time to tell you." my voice was barely audible as I wrung my hands together.

"You could have found a time to tell me." Emmett said sternly and I knew he was right.

"You'd have just forced me to stop seeing him sooner." I snapped back, the anger winning out for a moment.

"Yes I would." he grumbled "Like I said, you can hate me for that all you want, but this is for your own good. You'll get over him." he stood up successfully ending the conversation.

After that whenever we were together everything got brushed under the carpet as we played happy families.

It was only my guilt over lying to Emmett and the way he'd found out that kept me smiling around him, and stopped the burning resentment from taking over. He didn't even know Jasper, and he wasn't willing to give him a chance.

Every time the anger rose it was chased back by that little voice reminding me this was all my fault.

Christmas day passed in a blur of fake happiness, I opened my presents with less enthusiasm than normal, trying not to let my mind wander to what Jasper would have given me if we were still…

Taking a sharp breath I quickly redirected my thoughts.

Once it was all over I had nothing left to do but count down the days until the holiday was over and I'd have to go back to school.

Emmett had said nothing more about moving me to Seattle, I was kind of wishing he would follow through on that threat because I knew there was no way I'd cope having to go to school and see Jasper everyday, and not be able to talk to him, hug him, touch him.

I took a deep breath as the familiar pain stabbed through my heart, my breath came out as a sob.

"Alice." I looked up to find Rose stood in my doorway.

I tried to force out my fake smile but I just couldn't pull it off this time and another sob broke free.

With a sigh Rosalie came to perch on the edge of my bed, I glanced up at her nervously not sure what to expect, but she just extended an arm pulling me in for a hug.

I screwed my face up trying to hold onto some control and failed miserably.

"It hurts." I whimpered.

Her fingers ran slowly through my hair "I know it does Alice." she sighed softly.

"I know I shouldn't have lied." I said, now I'd started I couldn't seem to stop "But I knew he'd overreact, and I was so happy, I didn't want to ruin that and now everything's gone wrong." I sobbed "God Rosalie I miss him so much." I clung to her tightly "I don't know what I'm gonna do."

She stayed quiet just letting me get it all out of my system, her fingers still combing through my hair.

"And even if Em forgives me, Jasper never will." I broke off moaning as pain stabbed me at the very mention of his name.

"Why is it so hard?" I screamed, unable to keep the pain in anymore "Why don't I get to be happy? Why do I always have to lose everything?"

All the hurt and anger, the guilt and loss. Everything I'd been bottling up for two weeks came bursting out of me and I cried and cried against Rosalie, my tears soaking into her blouse. She held me tight, rocking me gently.

After what felt like hours I had finally run out of tears and I felt completely drained as I leant heavily against Rosalie.

"You know everyone says love is such a wonderful thing." I mumbled in a dead sort of voice "But it really fucking hurts."

Rosalie moved me so I was sitting up against my headboard, she gave me a small reassuring smile before disappearing from my room. My eyes stung with the need to cry again, but I just didn't have any tears left.

She returned a few minutes later with two mugs of hot chocolate in her hands and a large box of chocolates tucked under her arm.

I felt my face stretch into a genuine smile for once as she settled on my bed cross legged opposite me, the box of chocolates resting between us and I immediately dug in hoping the treats could offer some form of comfort, but it turned to ash in my mouth, the taste took me back to a time and place, once again filled with Jasper.

"First loves always the hardest." Rose said softly eating a chocolate herself "Everything is so new and exciting." she smiled softly at me "How long have you, been more than friends?" she asked slowly.

I bit my lip swallowing the guilt that clogged up my throat.

May as well be honest Alice, it's not like you have anything left to lose.

"Beginning of March." I mumbled unable to meet her eyes.

Silence followed and I risked a glance to find her face frozen in shock, biting my lip I looked back down.

Rosalie let out a slow breath "But you didn't have sex until September?" she asked sounding slightly amazed.

I shook my head focusing my eyes on the pattern on my duvet.

"I wasn't ready." I mumbled "I thought I was after his dads wedding." I smiled at the memory "That's the first time he told me he loved me and I thought I wanted to, but when we got home I just had this massive panic attack about it." I took a steadying breath "Jasper was great though, he didn't get mad or anything, he was so sweet and understanding and…" I trailed off.

"So he didn't pressure you?" she asked carefully.

I shook my head "No." I sighed softly "Even our first time, he made sure I really wanted to." I looked up at her slowly "Why is Emmett being so stubborn about this? Why wont the even give Jasper a chance? I mean he liked him when he thought we were just friends." I sighed looking down again.

Rosalie shook her head "I can't answer that Alice, Emmett is trying to do what he thinks is best for you."

I opened my mouth to protest but she held up a hand silencing me.

"I knew this was coming." she began "The way the two of you would look at each other, it was pretty obvious there was something there. But I believed you when you said nothing had happened yet." she gave me a stern look and I looked down guiltily "Emmett was fine with you being friends because it was safer."

I frowned in annoyance "Safer how?" I asked confused.

"You were less likely to get hurt." Rosalie explained.

I thought about Bella and scoffed a little, friends could hurt you just as much, if not more.

"Jasper would never hurt me." I said stubbornly "He loves me."

"So what are you going to do?"

I looked up in surprise when she asked me that. Then just shrugged "It wont really matter when I'm in Seattle."

Rosalie shook her head "Emmett wont actually pull you out of school, not when you're this close to graduating. So what are you going to do after the holiday?"

My eyes widened a little because I had no idea. I had been hoping Emmett would make good his threat to move me to Seattle so I could avoid Jasper.

"I don't know." I mumbled.

Rosalie sighed "He'll start coming home every night again, to make sure." she sounded sad and guilt burned me again. Once again I'd managed to fuck up everyone else's life along with my own.

"He doesn't need to." I mumbled. My tear ducts seemed to have restocked as moisture built up in my eyes again "I broke up with Jasper, he's not going to want me back after that." I stopped as crippling pain ripped through my chest and I immediately curled in on myself trying to ease it.

He'd begged me not to go and I'd still walked away from him, he'd never forgive me for that.

"I don't know what I'm gonna do Rose, because I have no idea what I'm meant to do without him." tears started to fall "I've just lost the best thing that ever happened to me and I have no one to blame but myself."

I couldn't speak after that, the pain took over and I broke down again. Rosalie stayed with me as I cried myself as sleep, as was my newest tradition. Had I been paying attention I'd have noticed Emmet moving away from my open door.

Jasper's pov

2 weeks, 14 days, 336 hours, 20,160 minutes, 1,209,600 seconds since I'd last seen Alice and I'd barely moved.

My mum had insisted on me joining the world on Christmas day, but otherwise I hadn't left my bed.

I was in serious need of both a shower and a shave, but I couldn't bring myself to care. I couldn't bring myself to care about anything.

Alice was gone from my life and I had no one to blame but myself, because I was a fucking coward who didn't have the balls to admit to the most important person in her life just how much I loved her, just how much I would willingly do for her.

I chuckled darkly, I didn't deserve her though. In my two weeks of purgatory I had come to this simple conclusion. I professed to love Alice, yet I had sat back and let her lie to her brother and I had done nothing to change that. I had let her suffer to make my own life easier. Therefore I didn't deserve her.

I did miss her though. I missed her smile, her laugh, her smell. I missed the way her eyes would roll in annoyance when I wound her up, how she'd bite her lip when she got nervous or was unsure about something. I missed holding her in my arms as I slept, I missed all the little noises she made when I touched her, and kissed her and made love to her. I missed how she'd snuggle up in my arms, her head nestled against my chest like she was made to fit there, in my arms. I missed how before she fell asleep she'd always place a little kiss on my chest.

I just missed her, it was like a physical ache, like I'd lost a limb or something. I wasn't complete without her, I'd lost part of myself.

I was lying on my bed staring up at the ceiling, for once my mind was blank. It was peaceful when I thought of nothing, the ache of loss wasn't quite as strong when I didn't think of her, of course there was nothing else to think about so my mind was as blank as the white expanse above me.

A loud knock on the front door invaded the peaceful nothingness I was floating in. I blinked once and everything came flooding back, deep set pain splintered out from my fractured heart as I thought back two weeks to when it had been Alice at the front door and my world had ended up being ripped apart.

The knocking sounded again. I frowned, why hadn't my mum answered it already?

It was a few seconds before I realised she was probably at work, or at Carlisle's, avoiding the haze of depression I was infecting the house with.

With a heavy sigh I dragged myself up from the bed, almost welcoming whatever distraction awaited me on the other side of the door.

Opening it I blinked several times trying to comprehend what I was seeing.

Emmett was stood on my doorstep scowling at me angrily.

I felt my own anger spark, it was all his fault. It quickly fizzled out when I reminded myself it was, infact, all my fault.

Folding my arms I scowled back at him "What do you want?" I asked my voice weaker than I'd wanted from spending two weeks as a mute.

Just because I wasn't blaming him for the sorry mess I found myself in didn't mean I couldn't be upset at him for the part he'd played in making Alice leave me.

If he'd just come home when he'd said rather than showing up early.

"Can I come in?" he asked, though he sounded unenthusiastic.

I shrugged, stepping back so he could enter if he wanted and headed for the lounge. I heard the door close and couldn't even bring myself to care there was a very good chance he was here to kill me while there were no witnesses.

"You look like shit." he said as he sat down in the armchair opposite me.

I just shrugged again and he scoffed.

"Why are you here?" I finally asked when he said no more.

He sighed heavily "Because you need to understand something."

"Understand what? Why you forced her to leave me?" I spat angrily.

Emmett bristled "Don't" he growled "Because you have no idea ok, you don't know. You come here and think you know her and know what's best but you weren't there when…" he broke off and I looked at him in alarm as grief seemed to crush him, pulling him down.

For possibly the first time ever I thought about the fact that Emmett too had lost his parents. He'd been forced to grow up and take care of his sister, whilst also dealing with his own loss. Emmett too had been through hell.

He sighed heavily leaning back and ran his hands over his face.

"She's never going to get over you." he said softly.

I just stayed quiet wondering what the fuck all this was about, what was it about this family, they couldn't just tell you things, everything had to be a fucking riddle.

"The stupid thing is" he carried on "I knew this was going to happen, but when you came along I was so pleased she had a friend I didn't see the danger you posed."

"What danger?" I asked trying not to get angry again. I wasn't a danger, I'd never do anything to hurt Alice.

Except make her fall out with the only family she has.

I deflated again.

"Do you know why I always leave Alice to cook?" he asked ignoring my question completely.

His voice was strained and I knew this was hard for him to talk about.

"Not really." I admitted, I'd always just assumed he couldn't cook, or was lazy.

"She loves cooking." he spoke softly almost to himself "Mum taught her, it was something they shared, just like guitar."

He looked at me as though I was meant to understand but as usual my brain wasn't keeping up.

"You know how she stopped playing after they died." he pressed.

I nodded slowly a sense of dread settling over me.

"It's because it reminder her of mum and she couldn't face that." he laughed once but it held no humour "No matter how tough she acts Alice just doesn't know how to deal with her grief, she's tried ignoring it, she's tried letting it out, she's tried focussing on the good times but she never actually deals with it. She's still as lost and frightened as she was the day we lost them." he sighed "Because she associated guitar with mum she couldn't face playing without her, and because she associated food and cooking with mum." he shook his head "For the first week she wouldn't eat, she point blank refused to go near food, I didn't know what to do, she wouldn't talk to anyone. She still doesn't realise just how serious it was. It's like she can't even remember how close she was to…" he trailed off

I was just starring at him in complete shock "She could have…" I couldn't actually say it.

Emmett nodded "She was starving herself, it was getting to the point I thought I'd have to have her committed or something. Then, completely out of the blue, one morning I went downstairs to find her in the kitchen cooking up the biggest breakfast you've ever seen. I was so relieved she was actually going to eat something I didn't dare say anything or try to take over just in case." he shook his head "I still have no idea what snapped her out of it and I just let her get on with it because" he paused "I nearly lost her Jasper." he admitted in a small voice.

I just sat there in stunned silence having no idea what to say. Emmett's hands came up to his face and when he removed them to look back at me his eyes were slightly red.

"I believe you when you say you love her Jasper, but that doesn't mean you're not going to hurt her." he said softly "She is setting herself up to get hurt again. She's already so dependant on you and when you leave she is going to be devastated. She'd never get over that."

"Who says I'm leaving?" I snapped angrily "You're the one that forced me away."

For once the look he gave me wasn't a glare, "I was 17 a few years back Jasper I know how it goes."

I shook my head stubbornly, yes I knew how it went as well, I'd done it enough times in Texas, but not with Alice.

"When you leave her it will destroy her because she can't cope. She's given herself completely to you. And I don't mean…" he trailed off looking a little ill.

"You're the only person she's truly let in, don't you understand how dangerous that is? How much trust she's actually put in you? What you're asking me to let her risk? If you were in my shoes Jasper what would you do?" he asked I just stared back blankly so he carried on.

"All I have ever wanted is for my sister to be happy, and I have done, and will do, whatever it takes to do that." he laughed once without humour "She tries so hard to act happy for my sake, always hiding just how much she's hurting, but I can see straight through her. So what do I do? Risk her being completely destroyed for a few years of young love or risk her hating me forever and never trusting anyone again? She'd never let anyone in but at least, that way, she would be safe."

Silence descended for a few minutes.

"I still have no idea why you're here." I finally said after a while.

Emmett looked at me, dislike in every part of his face "I told you I would do whatever I had to to make her happy, and no matter how much she pretends, right now she isn't." he shook his head "Ever since she met you she's been the happiest I've seen her for years."

I didn't dare hope this was going where I thought it was.

He glared at me angrily. "You have no idea how much I hate you." he said and I felt a slight tremor of fear as I saw the burning hatred in his eyes. "Because the truth is I don't have a choice. I can't protect her from this because I can see it's killing her now, it's too late for me to stop this before it goes too far because it'd gone too far, like I said she's given herself completely to you, and she can't survive without you." he was leaning towards me, anger and hate still burning in his eyes.

I swallowed thickly "I know you may not believe me, but I love Alice, more than anything, I would do anything for her. And I know I fucked up Emmett, I know we shouldn't have lied to you." I paused, the next words out of my mouth could either save me or kill me "I know she depends on me, I know she needs me, and the truth is I" I took another deep breath "I like that she does."

Emmett's fury seemed to increase and I hurried to explain myself before I lost the chance.

"I like it because it actually makes me feel useful, it makes me feel like I can do some good for her. She is so much better than me, and you're right she probably deserves better but the truth is I need her too. And I know we're only 17, but our age doesn't change the way I feel and it never will. I love her now and I know I'll love her forever."

I waited, bracing myself for Emmett's fury to be unleashed on me, but it never came.

"How can you be so sure?" he asked slowly "I mean I love Rose, and I hope to god we'll last, but you can never know for certain."

I held back form my automatic answer of 'I know' because that was the typical teenage lovers response and Emmett was right, first love very rarely worked out.

"I don't know." I finally responded "You're right, something could part us, but I prey it never does, and I do know how much it would kill Alice if it did happen. But, I know it's cliché, but I never have felt this way about anyone. Ever since I first spent any real time with her Alice is the only girl who has been on my mind. I am 17 and before Alice I was a typical 17 year old, playing the field, fucking around. I'm not gonna lie. But then I met her and it's like everything changed." I shook my head "I can't give you a better guarantee than that, for purely selfish reasons alone I would never risk losing her because I need her, she makes me a better person."

I was rambling and I knew it, but I was desperate at this point, I needed him to know I was serious, I needed to try and show him I did care, I wasn't just fucking his sister over.

Emmett took a deep calming breath "Jasper take a shower, seriously you need one, and a shave, then come around so you two can talk."

I sucked in a sharp breath "You mean…"

"I mean." he growled "I can't stop you two being together and I wont. You don't have my blessing and you don't have my trust and I wasn't joking when I said I hate you. But you make her happy, and as much as I may regret this in the long run, all I want is for her to be happy."

I nodded, not really listening, not really caring. His blessing, his trust I could earn that. I could prove to him I loved his sister and her happiness was all I cared about too.

He stood heading towards the door, I stood too and jumped back a little when I realised he'd stopped and was glaring at me again.

"I am warning you now Jasper, if you ever, ever, do anything to hurt my sister I will kill you."

The hatred burned in his eyes again and I knew he wasn't lying, he would more than happily kill me, probably painfully and slowly, but I didn't need to worry because I had no intention of hurting Alice, ever again.

And if I ever did I'd more than deserve whatever Emmett did to me.

Closing the door behind him I ran to the bathroom, the hot water of the shower washing away two weeks worth of dirt and depression.

I was getting Alice back.

So I hope that explains Emmett's behaviour a little more, and makes you forgive him.

Review, I'd love to make it to 300. xx