Derpédex Chapter 36: Jolteon
Are we done with the Eeveelution marathon yet? 'Cuz this shit's getting really old. I want to talk about things that I actually have stuff to say, not shit like Jolteon. Everything about Jolteon can be summed up in two words; it's garbage. And I mean that in the worst way possible. It sucks at everything important and brings nothing to make up for it. It not only performs the same in battle as garbage, but also makes the world a worse place simply by existing. If you see one, kill it, for it is tainting us with its mediocrity.
I'm sorry, that last half was reserved for something else that isn't Jolteon. Rest assured, however, that Jolteon is still garbage. Why carry one when everything else does things so much better?
"But, comrade!" you say, reluctant to keep using the Soviet voice, "I require an Electric type! Also, this joke is shit!"
Everything any Electric type can do, another Electric type can do better. Electivire alone is better than, like, half of them. It has tentacles, though, so don't use Electivire. Don't use Pikachu, either, because I'll shit myself from laughter. Use the washing machine ghost or something, I dunno. Just don't fucking use Jolteon, okay? The only thing impressive about it is it speed, and even then, it doesn't really hit hard enough to do anything with it. You know, that's a problem with a lot of the Eeveelutions; they have one good stat, and can never really put it to excellent use. The only ones that really make up for it are Espeon, Umbreon, Sylveon, and Vaporeon, and all of them are such shitty friends that it's hardly worth keeping them around…except Vaporeon, of course, who is an eternal bro.
What's the deal with Pin Missile? Of all the awful moves to get, Jolteon gets fucking Pin Missile? Does anything good even get Pin Missile? Because, damn, that's a shitty thing to have. It's basically a Bug type Fury Swipes, and neither of those are worth having, either. And, since I know there's one of you going, "Bug type is the best type, fuck you!", then I should warn you that I am contractually obligated to make fun of you in this next paragraph in some way.
In terms of things that will make elementary schoolers tease you, owning a Jolteon is on about the same tier as legitimately liking the Bug type. It's not all bad, though; both of those things are above the people who legitimately enjoy Slurpuff, so there's that.
Even its shiny coloration fucking sucks. It goes from piss yellow to diarrhea green with sparkles. I want to throw up just looking at it, then cry myself to sleep because I just wasted a meal I couldn't afford by throwing it up. Fuck you, Jolteon, you made me lose my food.
Jolteon is so bad, it even fails as a pet. You cannot own a Jolteon just as a companion, because you cannot make physical contact with it. It's fucking impossible because of Pin Missile and Volt Absorb. If you touch it, you cut your hand open on its fur and bleed all over the carpet. If you decide to keep your distance, it fries all of your electronic equipment with Volt Absorb. I had to throw away a vintage guitar amp because my sister's Jolteon did some freaky shit to it and caused it to explode when I plugged in my guitar. If you're wondering why I've been treating Jolteon the worst out of pretty nuch everything so far, it's because of that. Touching a man's music equipment is a lot like touching his dick; you don't do it unless he tells you it's cool, and then you feel awkward afterwards. Don't ask permission, and he is perfectly within his rights to fuck you up forever. Now, we've previously discussed how it's impossible to touch Jolteon, so revenge must be had a different way. I settled with this, because I'm lonely, sad, and getting paid for it. You, on the other hand, will have to settle for something different. How do you get revenge on something you can't kick the everloving fuck out of? It's simple, really; get it soaking wet. That's right, we're taking revenge tactics back to fucking elementary school. Enjoy it while it lasts, because some soccer mom will call the cops on you eventually. So, to achieve desired revenge, you will require one bucket, and a fuckton of condoms. Fill the bucket with water, then fill all of the condoms with water. Stand on something tall that doesn't conduct electricity, and wait for your target. When it arrives, lead with the bucket of water. Once the target is stunned, unleash hell with a barrage of condoms so thick it'd make a porn star wince. Now convince the target to use an electric attack. Finally, watch in awe as the city block is engulfed in a mushroom cloud and reduced to ash. Congratulations, you've just committed mass murder as an act of revenge. That warm feeling isn't a sense of accomplishment spreading through your body, it's your soul writhing in agony as a brazillion volts of electricity is sent through you. Sure, you destroyed the Jolteon, but I never said it wouldn't still send out a large burst of electricity as a final fuck you, kind of like how Donkey Kong players in Super Smash Brothers will pick you up, then run off the nearest cliff.
I don't know what the fuck it eats. Just put a charger in it somewhere and hope for the best, or something. I would tell you where the charger is supposed to go, but that's too lewd, and my company has a rule about lewdness (specifically, "Thursdays only"). You will have to bandage your hand afterwards, however, since even touching a strand of that fur will cut you like a machete attached to a lawnmower blade. We've discussed this before, I know, but I feel as though I need to reiterate over and over again that you will fucking die if you do something like that.
Reminder that Jolteon has even less useful moves than Flareon does. Seriously, what does it get that's good? Flareon got Flare Blitz, which is good enough to make it kind of usable, but Jolteon gets jack fucking shit. The only things that are even kind of good on Jolteon are Agility, Thunder Wave, Thunder, and Discharge. It can learn Wild Charge, Thunderbolt, and Volt Switch via TM, but really? It seems like it should learn all of those normally. Instead, you've got to jump through hoops to get them, and even then it isn't worth it, since something better can learn all of those, plus all of Jolteon's mediocre moves, all without sacrificing anything significant. Jolteon is nothing but dead weight. I wouldn't even spit in its general direction, because that would be giving it attention on a personal level, and fuck that shit.
To summarize: Jolteon can die in a fire, and don't fucking go near my music stuff, because I will end you with unpleasant words and my own shitty personality.