Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight :)

"Pain is a part of life. Sometimes it's a big part, and sometimes it isn't,

but either way, it's part of the big puzzle, the deep music, the great game.

Pain does two things: it teaches you, tells you that you're alive. Then it passes away and leaves you changed.

It leaves you wiser, sometimes. Sometimes it leaves you stronger.

Either way, pain leaves its mark, and everything important that will ever happen to you in life

is going to involve it to one degree or another.

- Jim Butcher -

Worth Waiting For

It was hours after the day had broken when we finally untangled ourselves from each other. Ever the gentleman, Carlisle helped me to my feet, and after that we began to gather our clothes from the ground more or less reluctantly. We did our best to dust the snow off of them, though I had a feeling that trying to look presentable was a futile wish. I threw a sheepish look at Carlisle's ruined shirt as he shrugged it on. He seemed utterly unperturbed by the fact that he couldn't button it up. I examined the pale blue fabric in a desperate attempt to find out if even one or two buttons had survived my rough handling. The answer was no.

"We'll never hear the end of this, will we?" I asked, receiving a chuckle as a response.

"Well, if we manage to steal our way inside the house before Emmett sees us, our chances might look better. If not..."

He didn't need to finish his sentence. I couldn't help but laugh nervously at Carlisle's amused expression. He reached out to pull my hair through the collar of my sweater as I tugged it on very carefully, trying not to rip the delicate garment.

As we ran through the woods, I was surprised to see how far away we were from the house. I put as much energy as possible into running, knowing that I'd soon have to curb my strength. Alice's words about tearing doors off their hinges were still fresh in my mind. Running was a good outlet, I noticed. It was relieving to know that there was at least one thing I could do and not have to worry about using too much force. This, and hunting, of course. My throat ripped into flames at the thought, and the thirst was suddenly overwhelming again. It was strange – even though the thirst had been there all this time, I had barely given it a thought during the last couple of hours.

In retrospect, I had kind of been distracted by other things.

Alice's clear voice reached our ears as we approached the house. We slowed down to a walk just as I heard her say something about boxes and where they needed to be put. I gave a questioning glance at Carlisle.

"Alice and Rosalie have probably brought some of your belongings from your apartment," he explained. "We thought that since time won't be an issue anymore, you might want to go through them now. We are no longer in any hurry to leave for Alaska, after all."

I nodded, pleased. Since I had spent most of my last day as a human at the bookstore, I hadn't spent much time thinking about those things. I had only packed a few things to take with me to Alaska.

"It's too bad we never made it there," I admitted. "I realized I was actually looking forward to seeing what it's like in Denali. Not that I mind staying. I like it here."

Carlisle pulled me close to his side, pressing a kiss on the top of my head. "Someday you'll have the chance to see Alaska as well, as soon as it will be safe enough for you to travel. The rest of the Denalis are eager to meet you once again. They'll probably come visit us very soon; Eleazar has decided to stay with us for a few weeks, and Carmen misses her husband."

He didn't need to say that Eleazar was staying because of me – it was kind of obvious. I'd been told that when dealing with newborns, it never hurt to have as many vampires around as possible.

As we made our way across the garden and reached the double doors made of glass, I caught my reflection on their sleek, shiny surface. It made me stop short. I stood in front of the doors, frowning at the sight, and brought up a hand to touch my face, just to see if the reflection on the glass surface did the same. It did. I found it hard to believe that it was in fact my reflection and not someone else's.

I still looked like me... kind of. My skin was pale, smooth and luminous, and the features of my face were more defined. There were dark circles under my eyes; I looked like I was in a serious need of sleep. My limbs were slender and graceful, but I still had the right amount of curves. There was a slight difference to the way my long hair tumbled down my body, but I quickly noticed that compared to my other features, the appearance of my hair had changed the least.

It was the eyes that eventually captured my attention. They were bright red, both hauntingly horrifying and beautiful.

The reflection on the smooth surface of the glass shifted as I turned to look at the person standing by my side. Carlisle wrapped an arm around my back, pulling me close to him. He reached out with his other hand, pinching my chin tenderly.

"Animal blood will dilute the color fairly quickly," he told me, seeming to know where my mind was. "It'll take a few months."

I nodded, pleased. Even though I had known to expect that my eyes would look like that, their color still unnerved me a bit. I turned to look at the glass doors again, my gaze sweeping over the reflection that both looked like me and didn't. One more thing to get used to.

Alice's sing-song voice rang from the third floor. "There's an actual mirror in the house, you know. Come inside already."

I chuckled, shaking my head. Carlisle reached out to open the door for me, trailing behind me as I stepped inside.

Emmett and Jasper sauntered from the direction of the kitchen as we crossed the living room and made our way to the hallway, heading towards the staircase. Emmett took one look at Carlisle's ruined shirt, and then he quirked his other eyebrow at us.

"Wow. Got enough of each other already? That was fast."

Jasper snickered.

"Not really," I answered genially. "We're taking a short break, and then we'll get right back to it."

Maybe Emmett had expected me to get embarrassed by his comment, because the smirk on his face disappeared faster than the speed of light. Jasper's snickering turned into full laughter, drowning Carlisle's quiet, appreciative chuckle.

"Finally someone managed to put him in his place," I heard Alice murmur upstairs.

We turned toward the staircase again and left Emmett standing dumbfounded. Carlisle wrapped his arm around my shoulders, pressing a soft kiss on my temple as another amused chuckle left his lips. We made our way to the third floor; it took like two seconds. I wondered how challenging it would be to learn to move as slowly as humans did. Little things like this seemed to come so easily to the others.

We found Alice and Rosalie from the bedroom that was next to Carlisle's study – it was also the room where I had woken up after my transformation. There was something new, something different in the air as I breathed in, something that made the dry scorch in my throat raise its head once again.

"Finally," Alice murmured under her breath as Carlisle and I arrived. She narrowed her eyes at Carlisle's ruined shirt before turning around and taking a dark blue sweater from the bed. She slipped the hanger off and tossed the sweater to him. Then she turned to me, giving me a stern look. I could see that a smile was tugging at her lips, though.

"Now, that's Ralph Lauren. Please, be careful with it?"

I shrugged; the movement felt unnatural. "I can try, but I make no promises."

Emmett guffawed loudly downstairs. Even Rosalie couldn't help but smile. I wondered if it was our word exchange that amused her, or was it Emmett's behaviour.

Carlisle disappeared momentarily to replace his shirt. Meanwhile, Alice began to point at the cardboard boxes that were littered around the room, explaining their contents to me.

"That one holds all of your clothes – seriously, Bella, your wardrobe is ridiculously small and limited, by the way. Anyway, I thought you might want to keep some of your old clothes, but you might have to launder them a couple of times to get rid of the human smell. Not that my closet isn't at your disposal at all times – remember that. Those seven boxes," she pointed towards the pile of boxes in one corner of the room, "hold your books from your library. I know you were planning on donating them to a school or something, but that was when we still thought that we are leaving. I thought you might want to reconsider giving them up now, but that's your call. In any case, there's space for them here if you decide to keep them. All your furniture is still at your apartment – I wanted to ask if you wanted me to sell them for you, or I could take them to a recycling center if you want. I was also thinking about calling your lessor and impersonating as you in order to break the lease agreement of your apartment, but I wanted to ask you if that was something you wanted to do yourself. That box," she pointed at the box on top of the chest of drawers that was situated near the door, "holds your photo albums, picture frames, and other knick-knacks. And here's the bag you had packed for Alaska."

She said this all very quickly, making me feel slightly dizzy. I looked at her and waited silently a second or two in case she had anything more to say. Carlisle had returned by now, and I saw him exchange an amused glance with Rosalie.

"How did you not run out of air before now?" I asked Alice.

She shrugged. "I may be the smallest person in this household, but I have the largest lung capacity. Does that surprise you?"

"Not really," I answered dryly, my gaze sweeping over the boxes that held the remaining pieces of my human life. "Thank you for doing all this for me," I said quietly, looking from Alice to Rosalie. "Both of you. I really appreciate it."

Alice smiled, Rosalie nodded – the two of us still weren't the greatest of friends, but I was more than glad that we could get along.

I told Alice to go ahead and call my lessor anytime she liked – it's not like I could even hold a phone without breaking it. Speaking of my phone... Alice went to the bureau and opened the top drawer, digging out my cell phone. She waved it at me, and for a moment I thought that she was going to toss it through the air to me, and I was relieved when she didn't.

"Your mom called twice yesterday," she informed me.

The thought of Renée sent a wave of sadness through me. I asked Alice to text her and tell her that I'd been busy with the bookstore and my travel plans, and that I'd call her when I'd have more time. When Alice began to type, for the first time I felt real chagrin that I couldn't do something as simple as to write a text message on my own. I felt Carlisle come to stand behind me. Maybe he had sensed the shift in my mood. He placed his hands on my shoulders, and I leaned back against his chest.

"Seriously, Bella," Alice grumbled, typing furiously for a couple of more seconds. "This thing belongs to a museum. Once you've learned to control your strength, how about if I get you a smartphone? The rest of the world uses them, you know."

I shook my head. "Psh. Never. A phone is supposed to have actual keys and buttons. And besides, smartphones have all sorts of secretive, built-in tracking and tracing functions, and I don't like that. I don't want my phone to know where I like to take a walk or when I go to a supermarket or something. I mean, it's a phone. Why does it have to know where I am? I like my privacy."

Alice shook her head, torn between exasperated and amused. I turned around to face Carlisle, quirking my brow at him.

"Please tell me I'm not the only old-fashioned person in this house. Phones are supposed to have physical keys, right?"

He smiled, cupping my cheek. "I agree. I prefer basic cell phones as well – they are less breakable. And besides, most touch sensitive screens are responsive to temperature, which means that they require a bit of adjustments before we are able to use them."

I grinned at his words. "Okay, I'll bite. Whose responsibility is that? Who's the biggest nerd in the house?"

Carlisle chuckled. "I'm afraid we all fall under that category, more or less. But Edward and Jasper usually enjoy tackling any sort of technological challenges when we come across those."

I shook my head, smiling. "Should have known. Nerds."

Jasper's voice drifted from downstairs, his voice feigning indignation. "Hey!"

Carlisle chuckled again. I drew in his complex scent greedily, once again noticing that there was something new in the air. It mingled with the aroma his skin was giving off, making my throat burn. I turned to face the room again, my gaze instantly settling on the box Alice had told me contained my clothes. I crossed the room in less than a second, flipping the box open.

As my eyes took in the contents, I idly noted that I hadn't worn most of these clothes in a few weeks. But still, the scent wafting from them was... mesmerizing. I felt my mouth fill with venom, and I closed my eyes, drawing in another greedy breath. Then I had to make a mental note to keep from breathing – the pain in my throat was bad enough already. Alice was right; I'd have to wash these a few times before I could even consider wearing them.

Carlisle had come to stand behind me; I realized that I could recognize the sound of his footsteps effortlessly.

I swallowed. "Is it awfully egocentric and narcissistic of me to think that I smelled incredibly good as human?"

He gave a soft laugh. "Certaintly not. Your scent was very appealing to any vampire."

I moved on to the next box, accidentally tearing the lid off. Shrugging inwardly, I examined the contents; the box was filled with books. Though there was a light, appetizing smell to them as well since I had been handling them just a few weeks ago, it didn't assault me like the scent of the clothes had. The pleasant aroma of paper, ink and dust particles was sharp as it filled my lungs, and I eagerly pulled out one of the books, startled as the spine came off as soon as I touched it. I examined the bindings, relieved that there wasn't much damage. With a resigned sigh, I placed the book back in the box, too afraid of destroying it to examine it more closely.

Even though I had been focusing on the books for the past few moments, one part of my observant mind had taken notice of the quiet footsteps rising the staircase. It was easy to distinguish the number of vampires nearing the room; three. The air around me smelled and tasted different as they neared the room. My senses were too befuddled to tell the differences between their unique scents. Orange, linen, cedar, lemongrass, musk, cloves, cucumber... so many aromas.

I turned around to see Jasper and Eleazar entering the room, Emmett trailing after them. I wondered why all of them had come upstairs almost as if by some mutual agreement. I also wondered why their expressions varied between curious, speculative and concerned. Emmett was the only exception; he looked cautiously thrilled, and he crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the wall by the door, taking a comfortable pose. Almost like he was waiting for some kind of show to start.

I raised my eyebrows in a wordless question and looked at Carlisle. He looked as confused as I did.

Only three persons were missing from the room; Esme and Miguel, who had to be at the bookstore, and Edward. I idly wondered where he had gone the previous night, and how long he was going to stay away. I remembered the expression on his face before he had left, the quiet acceptance in his eyes. I knew he must have a lot of things going through his might, given what had happened between me and Carlisle after I had woken up after my change.

"What's up?" I asked, wondering why they had all suddenly decided to come here. Watching me going through my belongings wasn't that interesting.

It was Eleazar who answered. It turned out they had been talking about me while Carlisle and I had been gone, wondering the reason behind my composed behaviour. Apparently I was uncommonly calm for a newborn, and it puzzled everyone. I wasn't sure if I could agree with them – I didn't feel calm at all. Most of the time, I felt like there was too much going on, and I didn't know how to handle all these things that were happening both inside me and around me. It was a sensory overload – and that was mildly put.

"Bella had a lot of time to prepare herself for this," Alice pointed out, looking at Eleazar. "None of us has ever seen anyone go through this who has chosen it beforehand. It might have an impact on her behaviour."

Eleazar nodded, looking at me. "The mating bond might have a calming effect on you, too. Whatever the reason is, it's possible that the newborn phase won't be as challenging for you as it is for most vampires, or it could be that it'll last a shorter time."

"It's possible," Carlisle granted, a reflective look coming over his face as he regarded me with his gaze.

Jasper pushed away from the doorway where he had been leaning. "How controlled do you feel?" he asked me. It amused me a bit – surely he knew my state of feelings as well as I did, maybe even better. But perhaps it wasn't insight he was after – maybe he asked because he wanted to get me to think.

I searched myself, staying silent for a moment. "I don't know if I feel controlled at all, to be honest. Actually, I almost attacked Carlisle when we were hunting – I think that alone tells a lot. And I feel like I'm constantly on my toes. There are so many things to focus on, so many things to pay attention to, and being so alert is mentally very straining. I feel like I'm just a bundle of nerves all the time."

Jasper nodded, not seeming surprised. "That's to be expected. How about the thirst?"

Fire raked through my throat as soon as the question left his lips. He narrowed his eyes, his jaw tightening as he reacted to the sensations running through me.

"Does that answer your question?" I managed to ask, trying to sound casual but failing miserably.

He nodded again. "It's strange, though, that you seem to pay attention to your thirst only when someone brings it up. Almost like you're able to ignore it every now and then."

"It's not like that. Not exactly," I tried to explain, finding it difficult. "I wouldn't say that I ignore it. It's constantly there, like a reflex, demanding my attention. But I feel like there's so much space in my head that I can pay attention to other things as well. But whenever I think about the thirst, if my thoughts go to it even briefly – or if someone brings it up, like you said – the feeling kind of pushes through everything else and then it's all I can think about. It clouds my mind completely, and I have to make an effort to force my thoughts away from it." I frowned. "This may sound crazy, but at times I feel like the thirst would be actually easier to handle if I focused on it incessantly, or at least for longer periods of time. It's actually a lot harder when it suddenly clouds my mind without a warning. It always catches me off guard." I paused, still frowning thoughtfully. "If there was a way to desensitize myself... if I could sort of kind of make friends with it... "

"Hmh." Eleazar exchanged a look with Jasper. "I wonder..."

It was Alice who answered Eleazar's wordless suggestion. She shook her head. "She's less than a day old. Maybe it's a bit too radical to try that."

"Perhaps. But we can work toward that. Let's start with something less... tempting."

Emmett was looking annoyed – apparently he didn't appreaciate their mysterious conversation.

"Let's start with what?" he asked. "And what's too radical?"

Alice shook his head. "Never mind." She went to the duffel bag I had packed a couple days ago for Alaska, opening the zipper and taking something out. I soon saw that they were my favourite mittens – I had worn them all winter.

I suddenly realized what she and Eleazar had been talking about. As I reached out to take the mittens from Alice, holding my breath, I had to remind myself that I had been the one to suggest this – that I had brought this upon myself. The thought gave me little comfort, though, as I carefully inhaled through my nose.

Even though the mittens were no more than a feet away from my face, I felt like they were too close. The scroching pain in my throat got so painful now that it reminded me of the burn of venom in my veins. The box full of clothes I had smelled earlier had nothing on this. I hadn't worn those clothes in weeks, and the faint human smell clingling to them had been faint but appetizing, but this... this was close to unbearable.

No, not even close. This was unbearable.

The mittens disappeared from my hands, and I tore my eyes open in surprise – I hadn't even realized that I had closed them in the first place.

Jasper was standing a couple of yards away, holding the mittens. The look in his eyes was wary. I noticed that Emmett had crossed the room and was now standing two feet away from me. His posture was tense, almost like he was getting ready to hold me down if he had to. There was a calming hand on my shoulder – Carlisle's hand.

"Did I do something?" I asked, startled. It wasn't only until then that I noticed that Jasper's eyes were pitch black. Of course my thirst would have an effect on him, too.

"You were close to losing it," he answered.

I glanced down at the floor, beginning to feel slightly dispirited. If I couldn't handle this, how would I ever be able to be near humans?

Carlisle stroked my shoulder soothingly, and I looked up to see his face. "No one is expecting the impossible from you, Bella. Like Alice said, you are less than a day old. As you know, it takes months, even years for some vampires to learn to control themselves. And keep in mind that the thirst won't always be this bad. It will get easier to handle over time."

I nodded. "Maybe I'm setting my objectives too high. I've always been more or less impatient – I suppose that particular trait was intensified during the transformation," I chuckled, drawing a smile from him.

I noticed that Eleazar was looking at me peculiarly. Actually, now that I thought about it, I realized he had been observing me very closely all this time. Not that the others hadn't been watching my reactions, but there was something different about the way he was looking at me. The expression in his eyes was intense, concentrated.

He met my gaze as he realized that I had notized his scrutiny. Then he shook his head, almost as if to himself.

Carlisle was looking at Eleazar curiously. "What is it?" he asked.

Eleazar shook his head again, his golden eyes trained on me. "I still can't get a read on you," he explained. "When I tried it when you were still human, it didn't surprise me that I was unsuccesful. My ability to read powers is weaker on humans since I am no longer one myself. But now..." He frowned, his golden eyes still studying me in a focused manner. "Do you remember when I told you at Esme's and Miguel's wedding that it seems like your mind repels intruders?"

I nodded. "When you returned from Italy, Edward said that Aro believes me to be a shield."

Eleazar nodded. "I'm quite certain you are one. But what kind of a shield – that remains a mystery. I can't feel a way through it at all to get a sense of it. And since you seem to be completely unaware of what you're doing..." He gave Carlisle a look that was torn between amused and exasperated. "She's shielding herself completely unconsciously. It rather ironic that Aro sent me all over the world to find the likes of her, and you simply come across something like this by accident."

The look in Carlisle's eyes was suddenly preoccupied, nearly concerned. I wondered if it was Aro he was worried about, and the interest he might possibly show in my gift.

"If Edward was never able to read her mind, I wonder if it's the same for Aro. And what kind of other abilities is she able to thwart?" Eleazar continued to ponder, beginning to pace around the room. It sounded like he was talking to himself. "At the wedding, Zafrina was unable to project illusions into her mind..." He stopped his pacing and looked at me. "Have you ever put your abilities to test? Have you been able to block anyone besides me, Zafrina and Edward?"

My new brain came up with an answer very fast. It was a little bewildering how quickly my mind seemed to work now.

"It doesn't work with everything," I told him. "My mind is kind of private, but it never stopped Jasper from being able to affect my mood or Alice from seeing my future."

"Only a mental defense." Eleazar nodded to himself. "Limited, perhaps, but powerful nonetheless. I wonder if Kate could..."

My human memories of the Denali sisters were hazy, but I was able to recall the graceful, beautiful vampire with long, blonde hair. "What about her?" I asked, turning to Carlisle.

"Kate has a defensive ability," he explained. "She can generate an electrical current in her body."

"There's no way to beat her in a wrestling match," Emmett added, sounding miffed.

"Well, Bella might be able to," Jasper murmured, giving a glance at Eleazar. "That's what you're saying, isn't it? That she's immune to Kate's talent?"

"It's possible," Eleazar answered, looking at me closely again. "When Kate first began to practice with her power, she was only able to project it on her palms. Over the centuries, she's learned to run the current over her entire body. It comes in handy in self-defence." His eyes took a reflective expression. "It's possible that you might be able to master your shield as well, and perhaps even learn to project it in time. You might be able to shield others besides yourself someday."

I didn't know what to think of his words; a large part of me hoped that my shield, or whatever it was, would never be needed. Sure it was nice that I could keep Edward out of my head – I considered myself a private person. But should I delve more deeply into this? Would there be a time when I needed to protect someone else's mind as well? I hoped not. It certainly sounded unlikely.

Then I remembered the haunting unrest that came over me every time I thought of the Volturi. I still couldn't explain the feeling. Maybe it was just the stress of the past couple of months getting to me.

Jasper's words pulled me from my ponderings. He was holding up my mittens, his eyes meeting mine.

"Ready to try again?" he asked, returning to our original topic. Giving him a nod, I braced myself and drew in a cautious breath as he began to approch me. Carlisle placed a soothing hand on my shoulder again, and Emmett inched closer to me, a look of anticipation in his eyes. I tried to ignore him as the flames began to rip through my throat again, making the seconds passing by feel like hours.

By the afternoon, I was able to hold the mittens close to my face for several seconds at a time. Sure, it was painful, and it certainly didn't get any easier as the moments passed. Maybe I had been right before – I was setting my expectations too high. Maybe it was simply impossible for a newborn to be sensitized to the smell. But I still wanted to try, despite the fact that the agony ripping through my throat was nearly impossible to bear.

I noticed that the human scent burning my nostrils eventually made me oddly skittish and short-tempered. As the afternoon drew on and Emmett kept throwing his tantalizing innuendos, probably on purpose to antagonize me, I found myself growing beyond impatient with him. It was odd – I had always liked Emmett and enjoyed his energy and playful nature. But now as he kept firing his teasing, bawdy comments, I found myself exceedingly irritated with him. It eventually got to the point that I snarled at him – loudly. Without even realizing it, I had dropped into a crouch and I was tensing my muscles, ready to pounce at him.

"Emmett!" Jasper's voice seemed to come from somewhere far away; I idly took notice that he sounded extremely pissed. "That's enough. You might as well step out if all you're going to do is distract her. You should know better than to rile her up like that. Do you want her to take your head off? She's a newborn, for goodness' sake."

Emmett quirked his brow at me. "Well, I'm ready to believe it now," he said, eyeing my aggressive stance warily. "I just wanted to see if she has any newborn irritability in her. She seems so... well, tame."

"Well does she seem tame to you now?" Jasper asked pointedly.

I was vaguely aware that my lips were drawn back to reveal my teeth. A wave of calm washed over me – it irritated me even more at first, but then I felt myself relax. The red, hazy fog of annoyance that had covered my vision dissipated slowly, and I straightened myself from my crouch, giving Emmett a glance.

"Not really," Emmett answered Jasper's question, smirking. "It certainly looks like she's a newborn, after all."

"Sorry," I murmured, receiving a wide grin as a response.

I heard Carlisle coming to stand next to me, placing a hand on my back. I felt the rest of my irritation ebb away as soon as he touched me. "I don't believe Bella is the one who should apologize," he stated. Though he sounded slightly amused, the look he gave Emmett was strict.

Emmett shot me another grin. "Right. Well, I'm not going to lie – I don't regret what I said, but I am sorry that I annoyed you. No, wait." He pretended to ponder. "That's not exactly true. I'm not sorry."

Carlisle sighed, resigned, and shook his head.

Emmett raised his hands as if in surrender. "Fine, fine. I'll leave. I just tried to do my part, give my contribution, you know. She has to learn to deal with distractions someday. It won't be enough if she manages to keep her cool – there are many other things to deal with as well when she someday joins the community and begins to hang around with humans."

"You're right about that," Jasper admitted. "But let me remind you that she's only a few hours old. She has to learn to overcome the temptation first, and that alone takes months. Learning to ignore distractions comes long after that." He gave me a searching glance at this point, passing my mittens to Alice. I must have dropped them at some point, probably around the time I had gotten annoyed with Emmett and prepared to round on him.

Alice skittered across the room, putting my mittens back in the duffel bag and pulling the zipper closed.

"Are we taking a break?" I asked.

"Let's pack it in for the day," Jasper answered. "To be honest, no one here expected you to get this far in just a few hours. This is more than enough for today."

Carlisle wrapped an arm around my shoulders, pulling me close to his side, agreeing. "He's right. You did remarkably well."

I smiled, feeling like I should blush under his praise. I gave a curious glance at Eleazar; he was standing across the room close to the door, having a quiet conversation with Rosalie. Both of them had said very little during the passing hours. Mostly they had just been observing my progress intently, ready to step in if I needed to be restrained.

Eleazar met my glance and quirked his brow in a questioning manner.

I decided to explain. "Before we started a few hours ago, you were about to suggest something, but Alice said that it was too radical. Then you said that we could work toward it. I was just wondering what you were about to suggest."

Eleazar hesitated, flicking a brief look at Carlisle. "I believe Alice hasn't yet disposed of the clothes you wore on the night you were attacked. When you said that you wanted to be desensitized to your thirst, it came to my mind that trying to get used to the smell of blood on your old clothes might do the trick, but that would probably be too challenging. Taking little steps at a time is better than trying to take huge leaps."

I had to agree with that. Even the thought of my blood-covered clothes burst my throat into flames.

"I was going to burn the clothes tonight," Alice interjected, giving me a questioning glance. "Unless you disagree and want to have an idea what actual blood smells like?"

I shook my head vehemently. "No. Eleazar's right. I think it's too early for that." I swallowed convulsively. Maybe it was the conversation, or maybe it was the hours I had spent surrounded by my own human smell, but suddenly the thirst was growing unbearable again. I raised a hand to my throat, almost as if I was trying to kill the fire raging in my throat from the outside.

Carlisle noticed my discomfort, and he offered to take me hunting again.

"But I hunted last night," I pointed out.

"It doesn't matter. The thirst is relentless at the beginning – the more often you hunt, the less uncomfortable you'll feel."

The twilight was setting in as we made our way out of the house; my first day as an immortal was coming to a close. I looked towards the northwest, automatically knowing which direction my former home city lay, and I idly thought that had things been differently, I'd normally be at the bookstore now, tidying up and getting ready to go home. I wondered how Esme and Miguel were doing, and if they had found anyone to work at the bookstore yet.

I shook off the wistful thoughts, taking Carlisle's hand as he began to lead me towards the woods.

I wasn't as nervous about hunting as I had been on the first time. The forest came alive around me easily, and it was kind of a relief to surrender myself to those primal instincts that seemed to be lurking constantly beneath the surface. In the woods, I didn't have to worry about using too much strength, and I didn't have to curb those primitive, aggressive impulses that had almost made me attack Emmett earlier. There was a beast inside me that seemed to roar to life the moment I let go of Carlisle's hand and gave in to my instincts. I drew in a deep breath and began to follow a trail that reminded me of freshly cut grass and moldering leaves. This scent was slightly better that the deer's had been – surely it meant that the taste would be better, too?

I didn't have to follow the trail for long, only three miles or so, before I came across a wolf. It sensed me a moment before I attacked, and at first I was surprised that it didn't attempt to escape but instead turned around to defend itself, drawing its lips back from its teeth and giving a fierce growl. My eyes searched its movements for a fraction of a second, and I discovered that it was favouring its other hind leg; that's why it hadn't tried to make a quick getaway. Even healthy, the wolf wouldn't have had a chance against me, and therefore disabling it was effortless. I was quick and prompt as my teeth sought the throat and pierced the jugular, and I idly took notice that the taste of blood was sharper, more fresh and definitely more pleasant than the deer's had been. There was also a tang of something – adrenaline? – in the blood, and I idly wondered if it affected the flavor.

The flames in my throat died down, and I straightened from my crouch, turning around to look for Carlisle.

He had kept his distance this time around – I suppose he didn't want to catch me off guard like last time. I made my way to the direction where I'd come from, my accurate eyesight finding his tall form a few dozen yards away. He was standing in a spot where the snow-covered forest floor was rising into a hill; the ground had to be solid rock since no trees grew there. He was facing away from me, but even though he wasn't looking at me, I knew he was observing me in other ways.

I went to him, not realizing what had captured his attention at first. I followed his gaze just in time to see the ascending moon peek from behind the clouds. I looked at Carlisle again, curious to see how the silvery light of the moon illuminated his skin.

His face was like snow and pearls as the light of the moon danced on his skin. Suddenly my hand seemed to have a mind of its own – I found myself reaching out, drawing the tips of my fingers gently across his cheek. It took me a moment to realize that he was watching me as well, the look in his eyes admiring.

I smiled. "I can't wait to see you in sunlight," I told him, realizing that I had never seen what he looked like in the sun. I was certain that the sight would be beyong beautiful.

He reached out to tuck a lock of hair behind my ear. "My thoughts exactly," he murmured quietly. "If you look this breathtaking in the moonlight, seeing you basking in the rays of sun... a weaker man would surely perish from the sight."

"Sweet talker." Grinning playfully and stepping closer, I wrapped my arms around him and brought my lips to his. He hummed quietly against my mouth, and the sound seemed to go straight through me, making heat pool deep in my abdomen. Would I ever get used to this? To the way every inch of my skin responded to his proximity? To the way my unbeating heart seemed to flutter to life as his lips caressed mine? Would this intense longing to be near him ever fade away?

With a silent moan, I broke away from his lips, sucking in a sharp breath as his mouth kissed along my jaw to my ear and down my neck. It was odd how I felt the need to gasp and pull air into my lungs, regardless of the fact that oxygen was something I wasn't supposed to need anymore.

"If you keep that up, we'll never make it back to the house," I told him breathily.

I felt him chuckle, and his lips pressed against the sensitive spot beneath my ear, making me shudder. Then he pulled back to gaze into my eyes. The smile on his lips made warmth spread through me. "That would be unfortunate," he murmured with a hushed breath. I wrapped my hands behind his neck as he leaned his head forward, pressing his forehead to mine.

"Will I ever get used to this?" I heard myself ask. "I mean, I thought these feelings and sensations were something I would have to live without for several months. But all you need is to touch me and I'm gone. Am I this, " I spent a moment to look for a word that would be civilized enough, "charged because I'm a newborn? Is it just me?"

Carlisle chuckled and pulled back to look at me. "No, Bella. I assure you that it is not just you."

"So this is not just a phase that eventually subsides?"

He shook his head and pressed a brief kiss on my lips. "With vampires, feelings, urges and desires never truly fade or subside."

"But the others... how do they get anything done? They aren't holed up in their rooms all day long, after all."

He laughed softly, a sheepish expression flickering across his face briefly. "It takes some learning, and also time, to balance those... cravings. Emmett and Rosalie were, well... let's just say that it was difficult to be around them at the beginning. They weren't very... discreet about their, er, activities." He gave another soft laugh. "Esme eventually built them a house so they could have some privacy. Or maybe it was more for our benefit than theirs – especially Edward nearly went out of his mind."

I chuckled at his story, shaking my head. We began to make our way towards the house in a leisurely pace, hand in hand. I marveled at the silky feel of his palm against my own. Tightening my hold, I looked at him and watched for any signs of pain or discomfort, but his face was completely serene and pain-free. Once again I wondered how I knew how much pressure to use in order not to hurt him – after all, controlling my strength seemed so hard when it came to other things. Maybe Eleazar was right and Carlisle had a calming effect on me.

A quiet sound reached our ears before we made it to the house; approaching footsteps. I focused, trying to determine who it was, but I hadn't quite managed to familiarize myself with the rest of the Cullens' unique gaits. These footsteps were light but slow, slightly hesitant...

I smelled him before I saw him; honey, cinnamon and sunshine. Carlisle and I stopped, watching as Edward emerged from behind a group of spruces. It was the first time I saw him since the previous night – I wondered where he had been all day. The look on his face was veiled as he approached us, his gaze briefly flicking to our linked hands before he met my eyes. His hands went to his pockets in a relaxed manner, but yet I knew that he was far from at ease. There was a slight tension to his shoulders as he neared us.

"Edward," Carlisle greeted him.

Edward nodded at him, hesitating. "Alice said you were heading back," he murmured, now looking at me, his eyes uncertain. "May I steal a moment of your time? I was wondering if you would take a walk with me."

I tried not to look caught off guard. Nodding, I glanced at Carlisle before turning to Edward again. "Sure."

Carlisle gave me a brief smile and squeezed my hand gently before letting go and beginning to make his way to the house. He stopped momentarily before walking past Edward, placing a hand on his shoulder. Edward didn't meet his eyes at first, but after a second or two he nodded before raising his gaze from the ground. "Thank you," he murmured quietly.

He waited until Carlisle had disappeared into the trees before making his way to me. I turned around when he reached me, and as we began to head deeper into the woods in silence, I was reminded of a similar moment only days ago when we had walked side by side on this very same path. I remembered how it had bothered me that I hadn't been able to see his face in the darkness; reading him had been close to impossible.

I kind of had the same problem now. Even though I was now able to see Edward's face with perfect clarity, it didn't exactly help me read him. The look in his eyes was veiled, nearly withdrawn. Again I wondered where he had been all day. So much seemed to have happend during the past hours that I hadn't paid much attention to his absence. It came to my mind now that perhaps this day had been a hard one for Edward in more ways than one.

After a while, he surprised me by giving me a brief, crooked smile. It didn't quite reach his eyes. "So," began, sounding almost conversational. His voice was a little too light. "How was your first day as an immortal?"

I gave a soft laugh. "Many things," I murmured. "I wouldn't know where to start."

He gave me a long, searching look, hesitating. "I'm... glad, I suppose, that you've seemed to adjust to this life so effortlessly. Not that I'm discounting the effort it must take to stay so... controlled."

It was hard to interpret his tone. It wasn't pleased, exactly, but relieved, perhaps. I wondered how crazy he had expected me to be as a newborn, and how much those beliefs had affected his reluctance to change me back in Forks. I couldn't exactly blame him for those fears – he had surely based his expectations on his own experiences as a newborn, plus he had seen Esme, Rosalie and Emmett go through their own struggles at the beginning of this life.

Maybe it was good for him to see that when it came to this existence, these things didn't always have to lead in the worst case scenario. In more senses than one, Edward was set in his ways. Even all those years ago, he had based so many things, decisions and opinions on his slightly black and white view on this life. So many times he had said that I didn't see myself clearly enough, but the truth was that neither had he. He had deemed himself an irredeemable, soulless creature. I hadn't been able to make him see otherwise, and I knew better than attempt to turn his head now. Because in the end, it was him who held the power over that. Only Edward himself could shed that shadow that was cast upon him.

Only a second passed as these thoughts raced through my mind, and I glanced at him, answering his statement without missing a beat. "Well, I feel more like myself than I expected. It's kind of a relief. But despite that, this is challenging. There are so many things to pay attention to. Everything is very... overwhelming. There are so many new sensations and sounds and smells..." I shook my head. "Those are probably the most difficult to handle – the smells."

He nodded solemnly, a thoughtful frown appearing on his forehead. "Eleazar told me a few minutes ago that you've already tackled that challenge. And on your first day as a vampire, no less." He shook his head and gave a soft, unbelieving laugh.

The memory of my mittens made me flinch inwardly as I recalled the mouthwatering human scent, and the flames roared to life in my throat again. It seemed insane since I had hunted less than twenty minutes ago.

Edward was speaking quietly again, making me push the thirst aside.

"Too bad I wasn't there to see that," he murmured. "Jasper told me that you did remarkably well. He didn't have to tell me that, though – I only had to look at Emmett to know that the day had been a boring one to him. He looked greatly disappointed. Apparently he had expected more action from your first day as a vampire."

I gave a quiet chuckle. "Well, he was close to getting a wrestle match started. That ought to count for something."

Edward nodded; apparently he had lived that moment through someone's thoughts after getting back.

Which begged the question...

"Where were you all day?" I asked, looking at him. He met my gaze briefly before averting my eyes.

"Nowhere in particular." He was frowning again, absently kicking the snow on the ground as we kept on walking at a slow pace. "I took a long walk. Stopped by to see Esme and Miguel at your bookstore in the afternoon."

It amused me a bit – Buffalo was well over a hundred miles away. A long walk indeed. I still hadn't gotten used to the fact how effortless and fast moving was for vampires.

"It's very lovely," Edward continued. "Your bookstore, that is. I'm sorry you had to give up something so wonderful."

I nodded. "I'm sorry, too. But I can always go back when the time is right. And besides..." I paused, biting my lip out of habit; it felt weird. "Even though I'm sad about the things I'm now giving up, I'm also aware of the things I've received." I stopped my walking. Edward stopped as well. He turned to glance at me, but didn't face me.

"And... what have you received?" he asked, his tone veiled.

"Well, a second chance to live, for one," I stated, giving a wry laugh. "From what I've heard, apparently I was in a pretty bad shape a few days back. I should consider myself lucky that I'm even standing here."

Edward nodded, his face grim. "You should. You were..." He shook his head, closing his eyes. When he opened them and began to speak again, his voice was hollow, forcibly even. "When I saw you that night after Afton had attacked you... and when I saw Carlisle trying to help you..." He paused again, now turning to face me completely. "I've seen him countless of times tending to humans, treating both mild and lethal injuries. I've seen him work and strain and make an endless effort even in situations when we have both known that all hope is already lost. I've seen him carry on to the very end despite that knowledge. And I've seen him fall to pieces after it's been over, after he's been forced to accept that his efforts weren't enough." He was silent for a beat, holding my gaze. "I've seen all that, but none of those things can compare to what was running through his head during those few endless moments when he was working to save your life."

His words made me still and stop breathing. I watched him as he sifted through his memories – memories that must have been crystal clear to him. Memories that were glimpses of pain and darkness for me. I knew I should be grateful that those few memories I had of my last human moments were so obscure and vague.

Edward wasn't so lucky. The look in his golden eyes was tormented as he continued to speak in a hushed tone. "It was unsettling, to see the strongest person I know suddenly fill with so much fear and agony. I've never seen Carlisle like that. If he had failed... if you hadn't pulled through..." He shook his head at a loss of words, looking down at the ground and trying to gather himself.

Something in his face shifted when he looked back up at me again after a moment. "I know I've been... difficult... about you and Carlisle being together. It's been hard for me to accept. It's still not easy, exactly, but in that moment when I saw Carlisle trying to save your life, when I saw him fear that he might fail, fear that you might die... In that moment, I decided that I would come to terms with the feelings you have for each other instead of just trying to make a half-hearted attempt to accept them one day." He swallowed. "I would do anything to spare him from the agony he felt when he thought that... that he might lose you."

His words stunned me to silence, and it was a while before I managed to summon an answer. I thought about what he had said, trying to see the situation from his perspective. I wanted to understand him, and I knew that it couldn't be easy for him to have a constant access to other people's minds and endlessly live through someone else's pain or fear or happiness...

If Carlisle thought about me half as much as I thought about him, about our shared moments, especially those intimate ones... I couldn't really blame Edward for finding it hard to be in our company, in Carlisle's company. Everything served as a constant reminder of something he had once lost. Would there be a day for him when he wasn't reminded of all that? Would he someday be able to look back without feeling any kind of regret? Would he someday be able to look at me and Carlisle, and sincerely say that it was all behind him? Even be happy for us? Vampires didn't forget... but it didn't mean that they were doomed to live in endless misery, did it?

"I appreaciate it when you say that," I told him softly. "But these things... acceptance is not something you can force on yourself. A few days ago you said that you need time. And I told you that I understand. Carlisle does, too. We're willing to give you that time – I hope you realize that."

"Time," Edward repeated, his tone suddenly bitingly ironic. "Well, it's a good thing that I have that. And now you'll be having it, too," he murmured. He sighed, looking at me. "Processing things... it can take a whole another level when you have an eternity ahead of you."

I gave him a sad smile. "I'm sure moping can take a whole new level, too, if you have endless amounts of time in your hands."

His quirked his brow, giving a quiet, amused laugh. "You think I'm moping?"

"I think you have a propensity for it," I told him and gave him a playful smile, not wanting him to think that I was criticizing him. "I think... that maybe you're too much in your head, sometimes."

That gave him a pause. He frowned, seeming to really consider my words. "Huh. Well, just ask anyone in my family and they'll disagree – more than once they've told me that I'm too much inside their heads."

I chuckled at his attempt of humor. "Well, that can also be true."

A small smile curved his lips, but then he sobered. For a long moment, he just watched me.

"What?" I eventually asked, wondering about his close scrutiny.

He shook his head thoughfully. "Nothing. It's just that... seeing you stand there, with pale skin and red eyes..."

"This must be your worst nightmare coming true, seeing me as a vampire," I stated dryly, only half-serious.

He shook his head. "That's the thing. I thought it would be extremely hard, seeing you like this. But having to read Alice's mind all these months, having to see you after being attacked, time after time... it's actually a relief now, to be able to see you unharmed and close to indestructible." He paused, holding my gaze. "Ever since what happened with the Volturi... I've been forced to reconsider my views and beliefs. If I had my way, I would find it hard to choose this life for anyone, knowing that the world has so many better things to offer. But then again... if the choice is between death and this life, like it was with you... I obviously wouldn't have chosen death for you, either." His golden eyes were like topazes. "When I told you that I don't treasure your humanity over your life, I meant it, Bella. And I admit... it has its perks, this life. It can be fulfilling in a way a human life could never be. But after a century of having to live this life... I can also say with certainty that it has a shadow side. Many of them."

"I think everyone's life has those," I mused. "No matter what kind of existence they're leading."

He nodded leisurely. "That's something I can agree with." He turned to look towards the direction where the house was, a thoughtful expression coming over his face. He drew in a deep breath before letting it out slowly. "He... really loves, you know," he suddenly murmured, his tone veiled again. "Carlisle. I don't need to be a mind reader to know that."

I swallowed, suddenly feeling like my throat was constricting. "And I love him," I said softly, nearly whispering.

"I know." Edward was frowning at the snow-covered ground again, the look in his eyes difficult to read. "You know... after Esme met Miguel, and when Carlisle had to walk away from her... words can't describe how angry I was with the world, with fate, with God or whoever or whatever it was that was behind all that. Carlisle had spent most of his life more or less alone before he made the decision to change me and eventually Esme. It took him over two centuries to find someone to love, someone who loved him in return. All that waiting, all that loneliness... and then it turned out that he had to give it up, that love. Even though I rejoiced for Esme, my heart bled for Carlisle, if you excuse the expression. I kept asking myself what was the point behind all this – was there a deeper meaning to this cruel twist of fate?" He shook his head.

"Back then, I thought I knew the answer. I thought that there truly were no deeper meanings, no divine will, no mean-to-bes... I thought that we are all just victims of circumstances. And then Alice had that vision of you all those years after we left Forks... and then you come along and make your way back into our lives, and all these things happen, and in a matter of months, everything turns upside down and changes again. In a matter of seconds, actually." He paused, holding my gaze. "When Carlisle laid his eyes on you after you woke up from your transformation..." He was shaking his head again in a bewildered manner. "I don't know why these things occur with vampires. I still don't know if these things have a meaning behind them. Is it to find your soulmate, your other half? Someone to balance you? Someone who will make this eternal and sometimes tedious existence more tolerable? Is there one for every vampire and you just have to hope that you will come across that person before the eternity runs out? I don't have answers to these things. Maybe I'm not supposed to have them. But I do know one thing."

"What's that?" My voice was quiet, nearing a whisper.

Edward's small smile was slightly sad. "It is that maybe some things are worth waiting for. Even if it takes centuries." He reached out with his hand as if to touch mine, but he stopped the movement, letting his hand fall back to his side. "And maybe... maybe some things, even the most precious ones, are worth losing, if it means that someone else gains them instead. Someone who I know will treasure and cherish them as long as he walks upon this earth."

I had to swallow again. It was a moment before I could speak. "Thank you for saying that. But remember, Edward... you never lost me. Not where it really counts."

He nodded, averting my eyes. "I know."

"And I wish that it won't take centuries of wait to find what you're looking for. You already have one century behind you. I'm sure that's a long time."

He gave me a brief, sad laugh. "It could be worse. Unlike most vampires, I have a family. Some nomads remain alone for millenia."

"But still. That doesn't have to be you."

"I know." He frowned again, looking at the snow at our feet. "Maybe I will heed your words if I someday stop comparing every woman to you."

"Then stop today," I said softly. "If you don't..."

Edward smiled wryly. "What? I'm going to stand still?"

I shook my head. "Worse. You're going to move backwards."

He gave a soft laugh again. This time it wasn't sad or wistful, but actually amused. "I'll keep that in mind."

The night had fallen when we eventually made our way back to the house. I replayed our conversation in my mind as we went inside and joined the others – everyone had gathered in the living room. As I stood there beside the glass doors, feeling Edward touch my hand and give me a brief smile before leaving my side, I felt oddly... light. It was like something had shifted, like a curtain had been drawn aside, allowing the daylight to flood in.

But then I realized that it was an insufficient expression as Carlisle walked to me from across the room. As he exchanged a wordless but meaningful look with Edward before reaching me and taking my hand in his own, pressing a tender kiss on my cheek, I realized that it didn't merely feel like a curtain had been pulled aside, illuminating the room.

It was more like the earth had turned on its axis and permanently faced the sun.