A/N: Thanks to those who took the time to review the last chapter! Remember owns Twilight

Chapter 36

Oops

BPOV

It had been a couple of days since we painted, and Edward made his insane suggestion of publishing my journal. I had intended to ignore the idea completely but something kept nagging at me and I wasn't sure what.

Well that's not entirely accurate. I knew precisely what was nagging at me, Esme. She may not be here breathing down my neck about it, but her previous words were haunting most of my thoughts. Esme had told me that she believed we face challenges in our lives so that we have the capacity to help others.

I had agreed with her fervently when she had planted that ticking time bomb, but now that it was time to pay up I was scared to death. I tried to bury the logic and convince myself that perhaps Edward's mom had a drinking problem which caused her to utter nonsense that shouldn't be taken seriously. Unfortunately, I knew better.

That's how I've found myself here, sitting at my computer staring at a blank word document, while the curser taunting me with its flashing. I drum my finger nails along my desk debating with myself about what to do. I knew a decision didn't have to be made right now, but if I was going to start typing this up, there had to be a purpose behind it.

For me, once that first page was on the screen, there would be no going back. Strange maybe, but that was how I felt.

Not only was I afraid of having someone read my work, something that although fiction, was basically autobiographical, it also raised some moral issues for me. Was I really okay with the idea that I would basically be making money off of losing my daughter? Every literature major, at some point, entertains the idea of having their thoughts in print, but was this really the way I wanted that to happen?

Was it in anyway appropriate for me to open up about Edward's issues to perfect strangers? Our family didn't even have this much insight as to what had been happening with the two of us.

In the back of my head I knew that Edward was fine with it and would support me no matter what. I had already decided to change the names in the story just to avoid any issues there. I also decided that the majority of the money would go to the NICU that had helped Hannah, and I would donate a lot of it to the support group I attended. Seeing the money go to something positive would lessen the guilt I felt about earning it. It wasn't like we really needed it any way.

I had of course pondered all of this while I was adamantly rejecting the notion all together. I think part of me knew I would pursue this even as I battled against it, and honestly it felt more healing than any therapy session I had been to.

Esme's words were forcing my fingers to the keys. The realization that maybe, someday, my story could help one mother, in some tiny way; deal with a similar loss was the driving force behind that first click of the keys.

So I wrote, and wrote, and wrote. I added and edited and cleaned up my journals into a debatably solid story. The only person who knew was Edward. He was proud and said he was impressed with the strength it took for me to take this risk.

He didn't understand that the strength I had was drawn from him. Without his support, faith, and determination to see us through I'm not sure where I would be.

I still had no idea whether or not anyone would want to publish this but I continued writing.

The weeks flew by in a blur. My time was filled with wrapping up the semester, writing, taking care of Ayden, and loving my husband in every sense of the word.

I was genuinely happier than I had been in a long time. Spending my days with my son and my nights with my husband made everything feel right. The idea of another baby still loomed somewhere in the back of my mind. I was coming around to the idea, but there was still a little fear there. I wasn't sure if I was ready for that. I knew I was ready to love another child, but the idea of putting more strain on my marriage was terrifying. Although to be fair, it could be said that by not having a child I was putting some strain on my marriage. I just wish there could be some sign, something to let me know that it was the right time and everything would be all right.

Today was a Friday and I was sitting around wrapping presents while Ayden played with blocks. Christmas was approaching fast and I was eager to be with my family. Thanksgiving had been uneventful seeing as we had all split up. Since everyone would be together for Christmas; Alice and Jasper had went to see Jasper's family and Rose and Em had gone to see Rose's family.

Edward and I had went back to Forks to visit with my family. We had a loud, entertaining, Thanksgiving on the reservation.

I knew that this was going to be a particularly long weekend. Edward was at a medical conference in Los Angeles while I was here at home. Before Ayden, I would always travel with Edward to things like this but obviously with a small child that isn't exactly feasible.

I missed him like crazy and in an act of sheer boredom I called Alice to see if she wanted to go shopping. I was almost instantly regretting my decision as I listened to the ringing of her phone.

"Yes" She chirped before even a hello.

" Alice, I haven't even asked you anything yet." I said trying to sound annoyed.

"You want to shop right? I'm all for it because I desperately need to pick up a few more Christmas presents." She rambled.

"How did you know I was going to ask to go shopping?" I said with an eye roll she couldn't see.

"It's a gift."

"No seriously." I deadpanned.

"Ugh, fine. Edward's away, you're probably missing him and want to take your mind off him. Plus there is probably something you're wanting to get off your chest, otherwise you wouldn't subject yourself to something you claim to loathe. Let us not ignore the fact that it is almost Christmas, so must people need to shop." She said in one breath. Girl was good.

"All right, you're right, so do you want to go, or not?"

"Like you even need to ask, let me get Rosalyn ready and I'll be there in a few. You are bringing Ayden right?" She asked excitedly.

"Yeah, Santa has already taken care of him. I just need to find something for Edward." I had been so consumed with spending time with my husband that I had forgotten to take time to shop for him.

"Sounds good, I'll see you in a few." She hung up as soon as the words left her mouth and I went to make myself look Alice-approved.

As I got dressed I contemplated calling Rosalie to tag along, but I decide on just having some Alice time. At some point in the past year Rose had become my confidant and a sort of rock for me, but I did miss Alice.

Alice knew how much I had confided in Rose when things were at their worst for me and Edward and she never complained or let it bother her. I think she understood why I needed Rose so badly. Rosalie wouldn't coddle me or tell me what I wanted to hear just for the sake of my feelings.

Alice had been fine with it but right now I wanted to spend some time with my original best friend. Besides, with Kallie being so young it wasn't always easy for Rose to get away.

Alice arrived quickly and we loaded up the kids and headed toward the mall.

"So what's your secret?" Alice asked cutting to the chase before we even made it to the highway.

"um… I'm kind of writing a book?" I said nervously.

Alice was silent for a moment. "Is it about Hannah?" she asked quietly.

"Yes, how did you…" I began.

"When you told me about the journals I started thinking about how it could help people to read about someone who has been in the same situation. I never thought about you publishing, but it seems…right, I guess."

"So, does that mean you think I'm doing the right thing?" I questioned, honestly wanting her opinion.

"Does it feel right to you?" She asked without looking away from the road.

I didn't answer right away. "Yes." I finally said with conviction.

"Then that's all you need to know. You know what is right, you don't need my opinion. But for what it's worth, yes, I think it's great." She answered seriously.

After that I conversation turned to more casual topics. We laughed as we listened to Rosalyn and Ayden chatter in the backseat about their dads. Both were comparing and contrasting Edward and Jasper.

"Well my daddy teaches me baseball." Ayden said proudly.

"My daddy plays the guitar." Rosalyn said with just as much pride.

Alice and I glanced at each other both feeling very blessed at the moment.

"My daddy plays piano and makes a funny fish face like this." Ayden said squishing his cheeks in so his lips puckered. I laughed at the memory of Edward being completely goofy.

"Eww, ew guess what I'm getting Ayden." Rosalyn cheered in pure delight.

Ayden's eyes went wide. "What?"

Alice's ears perked up and I could see the confused look on her face. I know she was wondering if Rosalyn had found her stash of presents.

"I'm getting a baby brother or sister!" Rosalyn said happily.

"Oh." was Ayden's only response. His tone was a little dismissive, so it was hard to tell exactly what he was feeling or how much he was thinking about this.

I took a deep breath through my nose as Alice shot me an apologetic look and turned the radio to a Disney station so the kids could sing along. I gave her a small smile back showing that I was okay.

I didn't feel the same agonizing ache as I did before when Ayden mentioned wanting a sister. I knew in my heart that at some point we would get there. He would have what he wanted. Until then we would just have to be patient.

We arrived at the mall and decided to hit the jewelry shop. I looked at a few watches for Edward, but with him being a doctor it wasn't the most practical of gift. He would frequently have to take it off. Alice picked out a pair of cuff links for Carlisle and then we moved on.

We shopped for what felt like an eternity and I was seriously considering bah-hum-bugging Christmas all together. I couldn't find anything that I felt was appropriate for Edward. He had been amazing lately and I wanted to get him an equally amazing gift. So far, I had no luck.

The kids were getting restless so we decided to stop by the food court and grab a couple of smoothies and watch them play in the kid's zone.

"Ayden is getting so big." Alice said as we watched the two play tag.

"Don't remind me, I swear he looks more like Edward every day." I said with a smile.

"Tell me about it. Edward could never deny that child." She laughed.

"How's Rosalyn been?" I asked, feeling like a crappy aunt for having spent so little time with her lately.

"She's good. She's so anxious for Christmas. It reminds me of how I felt about it when I was her age." Alice said with a look of far off nostalgia.

I had to laugh at her because I'm sure her holiday enthusiasm hadn't suffered with age.

"Can you believe how close it is, today is already the eighteenth." She was so excited I was thinking about releasing my Grinch tendencies.

"I know it's….wait today's the eighteenth?" I said a little too loud.

"Yeah, today's the eighteenth, tomorrow will be the nineteenth." She said like I was deranged. "You guys are going to drive to Colorado on the twenty-third right?"

"yeah" I muttered absently. My heart had stopped beating for a moment. How was I able to keep screwing up my dates. Well in all fairness I knew what today was I just hadn't really thought about it.

Alice went to grab the kids while I sat on the bench and stared blankly into space. My mind wasn't functioning due to the waves of thoughts and emotions that were crashing into it.

I barely heard Alice call my name as I got up and mindlessly followed. I couldn't quite make out my surroundings my feet just managed to move with the group.

It took about ten minutes for me to finally snap out of my conscious coma and rejoin the land of the living, just in time to catch the tail end of Alice's story.

"and I told her, there is no way I'm designing faux fur underwear-"

"Alice." I interrupted rudely. "I know what I'm going to buy Edward for Christmas. I'm going to swing over to another store real quick. Can you keep an eye on Ayden for me?" I asked. She said something equaling yes and I bolted out the door to see if I could find what I was looking for.

EPOV

God I hate L.A. Well that isn't technically true. I loved California when Bella and I came down here once during spring break. I loved the sunshine, and of course getting to see my then girlfriend in her bikini for an entire week definitely aided in the appeal of the city.

Right now, however, was not nearly as much fun. I was sitting in my hotel room alone thinking about what I was missing back home. Bella would probably be tucking in our son right now. Then she would be climbing in to an empty bed. Man I wished I was home.

I had made myself wait until it was ten before I called her. The minutes drug by slowly but I waited. I knew that by ten Ayden would be in a complete, deep sleep, and Bella would be in bed ready to watch either the news or Colbert depending on her mood. She told me before that she always slept with a T.V on when I wasn't home because the house felt to quiet or empty.

It was all her little quirks combined that made me love her even more.

I picked up my phone eagerly and dialed her number without ever looking at the keypad.

"I miss you." Her beautiful voice whispered on the first ring.

"I miss you too, love. California's no fun without you here." I told her honestly.

"Yeah well, Washington's not much better off without you." She said in a mumble.

"So what did you do this evening?" I said, trying to lighten whatever mood she was in.

"Went shopping with your sister." Ah, that explains the mood.

"Shopping, huh? Did you get anything for your husband? I've been very good you know." I said in a teasing tone, trying to make her smile.

"hmm…there might be something under the tree with your name on it." I could hear the smile in her voice and I felt relaxed.

"Oh really, you didn't by any chance get another one of those cute little Santa outfits you had a few years ago did you?"

My mind flew back to the memory of our first Christmas in our own home. Bella wore a little read super mini skirt with white fur around the edges and a barely their red bra with the same fur lining. The 'outfit' had come completely with a Santa Clause hat.

Bella knew I loved that thing. What she didn't realize was that what I truly remembered from that night was how she walked into the room looking shy. Her bottom lip pulled up between her teeth and her cheeks were nearly as red as the hat on her head. The outfit was supposed to be sexy, and it was, but Bella also made it look…cute and sweet. I figured my opinions on that piece might make me sound a bit like a women so I just told her she looked sexy as hell and then threw her on the bed. That was about the same time we decided to try for kids.

"No, Edward I didn't" she laughed.

"Dang, I was thinking that would be a fun way to practice making babies." As soon as the damn words left my mouth I hit myself in the forehead with my palm. I had been trying so hard to not bring up that subject while things were going so well, and here I had to go and push her. Idiot.

There was a silence on the phone, and I was scared she had hung up.

"Bella? Are you there love?" I asked anxiously. I wouldn't blame her for hanging up on me. I had promised to give her time and then I had to go and slip up, a Freudian slip maybe, but still it was a mistake.

"I'm here." a sad voice said.

"I'm sorry love. I shouldn't have said that. I just wasn't thinking. I don't want to pressure you, it just came out."

"Edward, can we not talk about this tonight, please?" she begged. I could hear her wanting to cry and I felt bad for causing it.

"Sure love, what did you want to talk about?" I asked eager for a change in subject.

"I'm kind of tired; do you care if we just call it a night?" She said and I could hear how anxious she was to get off the phone. She tried to hide a sniffle and my heart broke at hearing it.

"That's fine, love. Get some rest." I said even though I really didn't want to have to hang up the phone.

We said our goodbyes quickly and hung up. I couldn't fight off the feeling that Bella wasn't okay. She was so distant and vague during our conversation. I felt like she wasn't telling me something. When I spoke to her this morning she was cheerful and content, now she seemed to be so conflicted. I knew I shouldn't have mentioned another child after I promised to give her time but I don't think that was the only thing upsetting her.

I hoped I could get some answers when I got back to Washington.

A/N: Okay first, I have a reason for everything I did in this chapter, I promise. I can't wait to hear what you all think is going on with these two.

The last chapter should be up soon, I'm almost done with it, it's just turning out to be really long. So review and I'll try and get the next chapter to you pronto. I love hearing what y'all think, So go on and hit the little lavender and green button now.