Aah . . . good to be back guys, didya miss me? Two months and i'm no closer to securing a comfortable position in my second year of college than i would be even after FOUR months, and there's no way i can make you guys wait all that long while. Still! This chapter is an easy filler before Chapter Thirty Seven, which introduces the first movie of Naruto Shippuden!
YAY!
When will that chapter come out? Oh . . . in another two or three weeks. So enjoy!
DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto, Masashi Kishimoto does. Similarly, i do not own any songs english or japanese.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Let's Just Pretend We're Normal, Uzumaki Naruto
"One last chapter before bed?" Rin asks.
"Sure. Why don't you read?" Jiraiya hands her the book before she can even make up her mind which way.
"Well . . . why not." Rin concedes, grabbing the book.
Naruto awakens to sunshine mellowed by gauze scarlet curtains and the happy humming of his girlfriend. Blinking the sleep out of his eyes, Naruto just turns on his side and watches a small form dart to and fro around the room as she prepares to jet out. He appreciatively eyes the fitted orange capris, and roams the smooth skin left open by the off-shoulder blue top. His brow furrows. Is it someone's birthday today? Did she get a raise? A puppy?
"Why was puppy an option?" Rin asks, amused.
He didn't recall buying her a puppy.
"Ah, the near incoherency of early morning." Kakashi reminisces.
Sighing, he drops the act of sleep. "Whatever you put in your tea this morning, just give me half that dose."
Katsu turns to him and grins. "Good, you're awake! Get up, up— it's a beautiful day today."
"And the day is just starting at . . ." he leans over and looks at the clock. "Nine o'clock? You have the afternoon shift today?"
Katsu shakes her head. "I have the whole day off."
"Good for her, I'm sure when Naruto left she had plenty more time to put into working." Kushina says.
Naruto's eyebrows shoot up. "Really . . . ?" he drawls, a smile spreading across his face. He raises a hand and beckons her closer. "Come here."
A bemused smile blooms on Katsu's face but she obliges him. Nearly skipping over to his side of the bed, she's slightly startled but not all that surprised when he pulls her back onto the bed and snuggles as if he's returning to sleep. Playing along, she moves closer and tucks her head under his chin.
"Morning." He murmurs, and she smiles at the slight rumble that comes from his chest.
"Morning." She replies, an arm winding around his back. "Are you going to go find a training buddy today? Or will you take another mission?"
"Neither. I'm still on that week long break after the last mission." Naruto chirps, curling silky tresses of orange hair around his fingertips. "I am going to focus today solely on my girlfriend."
"Aww, he's such a gentleman." Tsunade and Kushina coo, grinning at each other. Kushina turns to the younger Rin. "Take notes Rin, this is the kind of guy you want!"
"I'm not willing to go rob the cradle for him." Rin denies, making Obito laugh.
"Ooh, sounds like a lucky girl." Katsu jokes quietly.
"Hmph. Maybe not if her scoundrel of a boyfriend is in bed with another woman." Naruto jokes back, snickering. "You know . . . it's still early morning. And I know a place that makes killer waffles."
"Would this place also serve some of the creamiest eggs this side of Fire Country?" Katsu asks, propping herself up on her elbows. Naruto does the same and grins at her.
"Why yes it would. How'd you know about it?" Naruto asks.
"Well . . ." Katsu draws out. "I was thinking of, you know, maybe asking you out to a breakfast date and . . . maybe I got the scoop on this awesome little diner from Genma who also happens to be a big proponent of breakfast—"
"Ha, we do get to read about their date this time!" Rin hisses in triumph.
Obito and Jiraiya match their movements exactly as they pull out notebooks and a pencil for notes, much to the amusement of the others.
"Well it is the most important meal of the day." Naruto nods.
"Right?" Katsu agrees. "And so I told myself that as soon as I got a day off I'd take you out."
"You . . . take me out?" Naruto gasps in mock amazement. "Oh gosh, I don't even know what to say. I'm all a flutter!"
"No seriously, if the girl I liked asked me out I'd be on the floor." Obito confesses, totally serious.
"While you're fluttering, can you flutter into the bathroom and get ready? They stop serving breakfast at twelve you know." Katsu reminds him, ignoring the hands that try and insist for her to stay in bed with him.
"Wait, wait, one more thing!" Naruto stops her before she can leave his side. Once he sees her looking down at him he grins innocently. "Can I get a good morning kiss?"
Katsu makes a show of thinking about it for all of five seconds. With a soft smile she leans down and covers Naruto's lips with her own in a short, soft kiss. "Morning!" she chirps, leaning back.
"Hm, good morning." Naruto laughs gently, letting her go back to darting around as he rises and gets ready for the day. The shower wakes him up quickly, and his natural stamina and overall enthusiasm for life kick starts his attitude for the day. It's only natural he'd choose the lime green hoodie and orange shirt with black jeans because today was just that kind of day.
"It's a 'blind me with your zest for life and bright colors' day?" Minato cracks.
"It's your fault mister bright blonde. And just what do you wear when you're not in your jounin uniform, rare as that is?" Tsunade points out.
Minato sighs. "I can't help it if I just look good in bright colors. Can't a man dress nicely and not be asked about it?"
"Well my lady, how about we head off on our date?" Naruto offers his arm to Katsu, who grins cheerfully and takes the offered arm.
The diner isn't in Central Konoha. Rather, it's towards more on the west side, in an area that borders polite society and the scene that really picks up from evening into darkest point of night. Not that it was unsafe . . . from the times of morning to about six o'clock in the evening— rather, it was very shinobi oriented. It's not strictly speaking the most romantic place you'd take a girl out on regular date. However, they weren't a regular couple and Naruto thought it an insult to take the love of his life out on a regular, boring date.
"No need to work too hard though. She'll just like being with you." Kushina murmurs.
"I disagree. Naruto, work hard. You shouldn't get lazy just because you have the girl." Minato disagrees.
Funnily enough, it's just called The Diner. It had a name— Inari's Bounty—
"Oh!" Obito and Rin gasp. They look at each other in surprise.
"So you've been there?" Rin asks.
"Uh, hello? No place better after a late night, er, concert for some greasy fry up." Obito claims.
"You guys are unbelievable." Minato mutters, but doesn't go further.
but the obvious reference to the fox god had been scratched out after the Kyuubi attack.
"I don't see what Inari has to do with me." Kyuubi grunts.
Naruto was certain though, that no one would bother them because the shinobi were for the most part more neutral to him even from the start. Now that he had shown himself to be an asset to the forces, things had cooled down considerably . . . with the shinobi.
The civilians were still a completely different story.
"Maybe not so different as you think. You were gone for nearly three years." Jiraiya ponders aloud.
"This used to be . . . Inari's Bounty." Katsu murmurs as she takes a seat in the booth Naruto scouted out for them. It wasn't too crowded in the diner, a few straggles from Early Bird crew and in the shadowed corner a trio of ANBU nursing cups of coffee. At the counter a retired jounin wiped down the linoleum surface and the smells of breakfast filled everyone with an appreciation for quiet mornings and another day of life.
"There is nothing like a plate of waffles to make you realize you should be damn grateful to wake up to another day." Obito agrees stoically.
Naruto smiles. "Now it's just The Diner. You have any idea of what you want?"
"I should be asking you that." Katsu points out. "Since I asked you out."
Naruto gives her a smile that clearly indicates he's humoring her. "Right . . . and I suppose you'll want to pay for the date too?"
At Katsu's expectant look he laughs softly and shakes his head. "That's cute . . ."
"That's my boy," Minato sighs, nodding as Jiraiya pretends to wipe off sweat from his brow. "I was afraid you might accept going half."
Kushina's brow furrows. "Why? That's a good—"
"No." Minato cuts her off.
Before she can retort Naruto opens up the menu and quickly scans through. "The French toast waffles sound good . . . even comes with a scoop of vanilla ice cream." He turns the menu around and pushes it to her. "What are you going to get?"
"Um, sounds delicious." Kakashi murmurs.
Katsu considers the menu. "Well . . . the maple waffles sound good. And, a side of fruit . . . or maybe eggs?"
"Sounds good to me. You get the fruit then I'll get the eggs and we can share." Naruto agrees. Just at that moment, their waiter comes up to greet them. Naruto looks over to the man, about the same age as him or perhaps a couple years older and judging by the look of awe on his face as he stares at Katsu . . . of the same tastes.
"Never fun." Minato murmurs in empathy.
"Welcome to the Diner, I'll be your server this morning!" The waiter chirps out extra cheerfully, and Naruto notices the way the man's body is angled slightly more towards Katsu than him.
Katsu notices this too, but thinks it's for an entirely different reason. Internalizing her irritation at the man ignoring Naruto, she looks straight at the blonde haired young man and asks brightly, "You go first babe, I'm still not sure."
"For another reason . . . ?" Kushina repeats, not understanding.
Minato chuckles. "What a cute kid. She thinks the man's ignoring Naruto because he's the Kyuubi brat."
Naruto cocks an eyebrow. Since when does she call me babe? Then again, I guess I did it out of nowhere too . . . smiling, he looks at a slightly less enthusiastic waiter. "I'll have the French toast waffles with a side of eggs please, and a glass of orange juice."
The man wrote it down quickly and gave Naruto a perfunctory smile before turning with enough enthusiasm and puppy adoration to make a muscle in Naruto's jaw leap. "And for the lovely miss?" the man simpers.
"Ugh." Kushina wrinkles her nose. "What bad customer service. Just ignore him sochi, don't ruin your morning over it."
Katsu eyes the man with something akin to resentment, and Naruto briefly wonders how such an emotion would cross her face just because a wimp was trying to flirt with her. Maybe he ought to do something if she was that troubled—
Unknowingly saving their waiter a hospital trip Katsu replies to the query. "The maple waffles with a side of fruit please . . . and a peach iced tea."
"Will that be mixed fruits or one of the options?" The man asks.
"Mixed please." Katsu flashes a closed mouth, small smile before pointedly turning back to Naruto. Naruto is pleased to see the smile on the waiter's face fall just a little, but his annoyance burns again once it returns with something far more troublesome— determination.
"The persistent ones just need to be dealt with accordingly." Minato assures.
"I'll be back quickly with your order." The man chirps, bustling away.
Naruto watches the man go, eyes narrowing in consideration. Katsu's harsh sniff brings his attention back to her, and he eyes her stormy expression with consideration. "What's wrong?"
"That guy . . . he was so rude!" Katsu huffs.
Naruto smiles. "Come on now, like you haven't dealt with this a million times already."
"In both cases, it's probably true." Rin points out. "They probably had to deal with discrimination a lot as kids, and I'm sure Katsu's gotten a fair few admirers in the past two and a half years."
"So?" Katsu glares. "Before you were my best friend and I held my tongue because you said things would get better. Now you're my boyfriend and I'd like if our dates weren't bothered by idiots like that."
"Aw, that's really nice." Obito comments, sniffling.
"Keep it together Obito." Kakashi drones.
"I bet you Naru-chan is confused." Kushina giggles.
Naruto blinks. He blinks twice. He opens his mouth and closes it again. "What?"
Katsu scoffs. "That waiter! Ignoring you like that— I mean, you'd think a shinobi-oriented place of business would be more circumspect with their . . . take on you."
Naruto blinks rapidly in shock, before a shocked laugh escapes him. Oh . . . oh. She didn't know . . . that guy was hung up on her? She was angry because of a perceived slight on his character?
"What?" Katsu asks.
Naruto shakes his head, bringing her hand up to press a kiss to the soft skin. "Getting kind of hungry." He murmurs.
Katsu tilts her head to the side, a habit picked up from the man across from her. "Well we just ordered . . . but it should be coming soon."
Naruto hums. "That too."
Jiraiya was perverted enough to get it and immediately struggled to quash the giggles that would have given away his godson to the more sensitive ladies in the room. Minato and Kakashi were just sharp enough to get it— that and Jiraiya's almost constipated expression— and only gave each other amused glances.
Katsu would have continued puzzling over that cryptic remark if Naruto hadn't quickly overtaken her mind with other things. When their food came they kept on talking straight through it, and it occurred to her faintly that this might be them making up for two years of normal communication rather than the near constant chatter they used to have.
He asked her about Kimi and Momo-sensei (Kimi was dating a shinobi but that wasn't going to well, and Momo-sensei was expecting another child to accompany the seven year-old daughter they had). She asked him about the new choker— a black leather band with a gold little drill bit*— and the new bracelets she spied from his drawer. Each had their own wildly entertaining story, whether they were gifts from interesting new friends or proof of conquests.
"He seems to really like accessories." Kushina muses. A big grin nearly splits her face. "Excellent— I can dress him up even if just a little!"
"I don't mind that so long as he doesn't try to wear so many on his missions. Imagine being caught out by an enemy because your wrists are too full of jewelry that you make noise!" Minato shudders at the very thought.
So at the end of their breakfast date, when Naruto lords over her with his superior speed and reflexes by snatching the check, smoothly slipping in a few bills of a high number that had her gasp at his audacity before handing it to the waiter . . . all in three seconds. All she could do was sigh and accept it.
When he threaded the fingers of his left hand through the hair at the back of her hair and murmurs, "I had a great time, thanks for taking me out," before kissing her soundly, the last of the not yet licked off syrup making their lips stick together for a while longer than either of them intended she was sure . . . all she could do was kiss him back and smile.
Well, it was a damn good break. Naruto admits.
Yes it was . . . you spent it all day with your girlfriend. Kurama agrees.
I did! We had breakfast . . . took a walk through the paths in the woods . . . and then we went clubbing last night. Yeah, it was awesome. Naruto assures.
And it's no ones' fault, really, that you would have been called in for a meeting—
Despite still being on break. Naruto couldn't help but interject.
"That's shinobi life kid, get used to it!" Jiraiya snorts with laughter.
Despite that, Kurama agrees, how was Tsunade to know you'd be recovering from a late night with the Misses Kuroshio and Vodka?
"Well, I probably could have told her." Kyuubi murmurs thoughtfully.
Right. Nade was in no way at fault for his grogginess. He just needed coffee . . . and for her to stop fucking yelling.
"She just can't help it." Jiraiya laughs harder, only a hitch in his laughter appearing when Tsunade socks him in the stomach.
"Don't blame me for your irresponsibility brat." Tsunade snaps.
"Naruto! Are you listening?" Tsunade, of course, yells.
The smile he can dredge up despite the pounding in his temples is quite natural and very charming, and Naruto congratulates himself. "Of course Nade . . . but please get to the point."
Tsunade blinks. "How much clearer do you want this? Ah . . . you want to know the limits I suppose?"
"That would be nice. And if I have to prepare for retaliation from Konoha's finest." Naruto agrees.
Tsunade shakes her head with a slight grin. "Nope. Simple and sweet— you are going to test the ANBU. The fact that you could avoid them at the age of ten is pathetic! And it also makes you the perfect person to test them.
"Now there's an interesting idea." Minato grins wickedly.
From rookies to the veterans, just to keep their skills up. You'll have access to all of Konoha, the ANBU training grounds included. I leave everything to your discretion. The ANBU Commander has been informed, and he's right now informing the troops. We'd actually . . ." coral pink lips stretch into a smirk. "Like you to address them. Introduce yourself, if you will."
Oh? Naruto raises an eyebrow, intrigued. "I'd love to. Care to escort me?"
Tsunade observes the lines of ANBU in the training ground, ANBU Commander Ryu by her side. She smirks, knowing that behind every mask was either some indication of confusion or discontent. Some of them didn't like having their abilities questioned by a chuunin, and Uzumaki Naruto at that. But the proof was in the pranks— Naruto could run circles around them. And if Naruto could do it, then their enemies could as well.
"Simply disgusting." Minato mutters with a shake of his head, Kakashi agreeing silently.
"You'll be sure to fix that won't you?" Jiraiya laughs.
It didn't matter that Sandaime ordered non-lethal means. They were ANBU— the best of the best— they should have captured the little boy with haste, not be drug around and led into traps themselves.
She addresses the ranks. "And now, Chuunin Uzumaki Naruto will address you and lay down a few rules for you to follow. Failure to comply will result in punishment befitting insubordinate shinobi."
She subsides into silence as Naruto comes forward to stand on her other side, a slight tilt of the corners of his lips being the only indication he was thoroughly enjoying this. A small smile broke his composure when KI slowly crept upon his senses, letting him know how thoroughly the ANBU were not enjoying this.
"Playing with fire kiddo." Obito chuckles.
"ANBU. Ansatsu Senjutsu Tokushu Butai. That is what ANBU means . . . what it stands for." His grin sharpens into something wicked and condescending. "Or what it should mean."
Kyuubi perks up, ears straight and attentive. His mischief senses were tingling . . . and powerfully too!
Uncaring that he now had the undivided attention of some seriously powerful, wicked people that could possibly disembowel him with ease, Naruto continued in a nonchalant and carefree manner. He made sure they could see his relaxed shoulders, how he leaned his weight on one leg as he slid his hands into his jeans pockets.
"All psychological, and in itself a test already for them. If they're affected by such simple body language tricks then the ANBU have their work cut out for them." Kakashi notes.
"I'm just so proud!" Minato beams.
"It's come to the higher ups' attention that you've all been in a bad way for a while. It must have been especially painful after the Suna Invasion, I saw you all dropping like flies. But what really rankled our dear Hokage's sensibilities . . . ? Well," he shrugs happily. "The ANBU's highly entertaining history with me."
Naruto bows in a grandiose manner complete with folded arms and a smarmy smile. "I am the Prankster King of Konoha. The Trickster's Apprentice, and as some of you so fondly called me . . . The Devil in Orange.
"As a side note, those would be awesome Bingo Book names." Obito cuts in happily.
"Maybe not Prankster King . . . Trickster's Apprentice is pretty cool though!" Kushina agrees.
And yet, despite all these flashy titles, why was it so hard to catch me? I'll tell you why! You severely underestimated me just because I didn't have access to my chakra, because I didn't have kunai and shuriken or any of the other fancy, pretty things you all were accustomed to. And yet that . . . was also my advantage over you."
"I just don't see how being underestimated can give you that much of an edge against ANBU?" Rin shakes her head, still confused.
"How so Naruto-san?" ANBU Doko asks, perched daintily on a branch on the other side of him.
Naruto claps his hands in appreciation. "I am so glad you asked my pretty birdy-chan!" smoothly dodging the kunai she lobs at him he answers her question. "You never expected the clothesline trap set to upend bags of glitter on you. You never saw the barrel full of pickle juice coming when I got you in the mask with a slingshot of moss. And no one ever expects to be taken out by a manikin covered in itching powder and super glue. Though how no one ever saw it is beyond me."
"My heart fills with pride at the mere mention of his ingenuity." Kushina sighs blissfully. "This time he'll have me to help take his pranks to greater heights!"
"Oh God." Minato mutters, disturbed.
Naruto stops and looks at the tense, irritated ANBU. The rookies anyway, because the truly experienced ones hadn't yet done anything to indicate his words affected him, other than coat the area in a thick blanket of Killing Intent. "So my job is to whip you all into shape. To get the Rookies to stop behaving like newly minted genin, and to make sure the geezers keep their skills sharp. Who knows, maybe we can even teach you old dogs some new tricks. Now, I do have a few rules!" he holds his hands up for silence and full attention.
"Nothing is off limits. I'm not going to try and kill you, but you are free to use force if you feel it's necessary."
"Of course, if any of you even come close to killing him I'll make paste out of you." Tsunade interrupts, glaring coolly.
"Damn straight." Minato and Kushina support.
"Right . . ." Naruto chuckles. "Night and day, I'll be coming after you. Every place imaginable— the jounin lounge, the bar you like to go to after missions to drown your souls, the Hokage Tower and the Wall . . . there is only one place off limits. Home. I will never attack you, or lay traps in your homes. And so I expect a similar courtesy from you." Naruto narrows his eyes and blasts out a lethal KI courtesy of just one tail of Kyuubi's chakra. "If any of you . . . so much as creep within fifty feet of my home . . . you will know Fear."
"A very good rule. But you should probably add that Katsu is off limits too. ANBU get the mission done no matter what, and you might not like that." Minato thinks aloud.
"I would think they' would be able to figure that out by him leaving the home off limits. They should know his revenge will be vindictive and nasty." Tsunade points out.
Abruptly the choking KI leaves, leaving all the ANBU a little shocked at the abrupt departure. Naruto smiles sunnily. "Your job is to disable traps and capture me. If you can only complete one of the two objectives, you fail. If you capture at the expense of disabling all the traps, you fail— it's like sacrificing the civilians to the traps of the enemy, just to get your guy. You should be able to do both, correct? If I tag you, you fail. Since we here in Konoha like teamwork, it'll most likely be team failure. Any questions? No? Great! We start . . . now."
"Decent rules." Jiraiya says, nodding.
"Team Failure will make them try harder." Obito laughs.
The training area glowed for a split second before the ground underneath the ANBU crumbled and churned like mud. In two minutes it was over, and Naruto surveyed the damage with an unimpressed Tsunade and Ryu.
"Tch." Tsunade scoffs. "Forty ANBU were caught . . . and Eagle, you're a senior mask!"
"Forty out of—" Rin tries to say, before Minato cuts her off.
"No one should have been caught at all Rin. I wouldn't trust these guys to guard anyone I cared about." Minato shakes his head.
"My ankle still hasn't healed." Eagle justifies himself, extricating himself from the mud and rock.
"Well it wasn't too bad." Naruto supplies.
"No one should have been caught." Ryu states in a monotone, and yet there's a particular air of malice about him that spells trouble for all ANBU, even the ones that dodged. Naruto shivers, grinning.
"Oh we are going to have so much fun!" He cries with delight.
And they did. Well, Naruto did.
"As you should." They assure.
The following week was what he called the "Test Run." He subtly surveyed and tested their defense and their recall by bringing back old pranks from his childhood days. Simple things, but he'd planted enough of them around the village to seriously annoy the ANBU. He laughs with gleeful abandon at every tagged ANBU that comes back, speckled with paint or glue, or some such other filth. A grin hasn't left his face since the day this whole thing started— he wakes up with a grin anticipating the day, and lays down to sleep with a contented smirk at the havoc wrought for the day.
"As long as my child is happy and Konoha still stands, anything goes I say!" Kushina giggles.
"No . . . that's not . . ." Kakashi trails off, just sighing.
For example, on the evening of Sunday of the "Test Run"— the last day of the test . . .
"I'm home!" Naruto shouts happily, bouncing into the house. His energetic and cheerful announcement brought chuckles from his girlfriend and house guests. He beams at Anko and Iruka, Hinata, Shikamaru and Ino.
"We've got a full house today, what's up?" He asks Katsu, bringing her into his arms and kissing her soundly.
"Oh . . . food tasting is all." Katsu makes up on the spot. She would never, ever tell Naruto that they gather for Poker Night specifically when they knew he wouldn't be here. They wanted a chance to win, after all, and Naruto being there would defeat that purpose.
"Such skill." Tsunade murmurs wistfully.
"Such luck." Jiraiya corrects.
"Right." Naruto chuckles, nuzzling Katsu's neck. He knew damn well they were playing poker— and knew why they didn't want him to play. He was just too good. He turns to Shikamaru, still holding Katsu close. "So, what's up Ino-Shika? Where's Chou?"
"Handling the appetizers of the clan dinner." Shikamaru answers, finger tracing the rim of his glass. "The very thought fills my soul with dread."
"Amen." They all mutter, shuddering a little at the thought of cooking for the entire Akamichi Clan.
"You're pretty happy Naruto, what's the boundless energy for?" Hinata asks curiously.
"Oh, I know." Anko chuckles— cackles really. "He's doing what can only be described as a dream job. And for trouble-loving souls like ourselves . . . mm! It's like food for my soul!"
"Rotting flesh or fresh?" Iruka asks wryly.
"Fresh, bloody . . . still squirming and screaming flesh." Naruto answers dreamily, making the others laugh.
"No . . . don't laugh at that." Minato mutters.
"An intriguing thought though." Kyuubi muses.
"Well what is it?" Ino presses.
"I'm pulling pranks on our finest ANBU." Naruto nearly sings, grinning guiltily with a small blush when Katsu gives him a pointed look and removes his hand before it gets any lower down her back. With a laugh he moves into the kitchen for a snack. Pulling out a knife he cuts a thick slice of pineapple upside down cake and coats it in heavy ropes of chocolate sauce before moving out to hear Iruka's question.
Tsunade crinkles her nose. "Unhealthy. Why couldn't you get some fruit?"
"There's pineapple in it." Obito points out.
"And how are they performing?" Iruka looks at Naruto's unhealthy snack choice and shakes his head. The bad snacking habits of his childhood had not been destroyed it seems.
"They will be this time." Tsunade swears solemnly.
"Come on, the kid needs some sort of childhood." Obito wheedles.
"I haven't heard about any especially bad snacking habits. Maybe the drink, yeah, but sochi sounds like a healthy eater." Kushina crinkles her nose in confusion.
"Considering who his girlfriend is, the idea that he has bad snacking habits doesn't seem too farfetched though. All those cakes!" Jiraiya adds.
"Horribly! Why do you think I'm so happy?" Naruto laughs, and the mere thought of the lackluster performances of the ANBU prompts a massive forkful of cake to be shoveled into his mouth. He smiles, tongue sneaking out to lick chocolate remnants of his lips.
"Your sadism and enjoyment in other's suffering brings me happiness." Kyuubi chuckles darkly.
"They can't be horrible— their ANBU." Ino protests.
Naruto smirks, and Shikamaru looks up with interest. "They're not horrible, I guess . . . the best can still dismember a genin, garrote a chuunin and gut a jounin in as much time as it takes me to scream Godzilla."
They wait for him to continue, but as Naruto continues to chow down on his slice of cake Ino frowns in impatience. "So?"
"That's just it." Shikamaru speaks up this time, glancing over with a slight frown at a grinning, cake happy Naruto. "There shouldn't be a best in ANBU. There should be notable, perhaps . . . senior, or even exemplary. But 'best' suggests that there's a 'good', a 'mediocre', and a 'fodder' section."
"Exactly." Naruto nods, polishing off the last of the cake. "So I've been tasked with testing the ANBU."
"And he's been on Cloud Nine ever since." Katsu drawls, smiling at Naruto's rapid nodding, like a bobble-head doll.
"So that explains the almost overwhelming feeling of déjà vu I've had all this week." Iruka speaks up, smiling nostalgically. "I though perhaps Konohamaru and his friends were doing some sort of honoring montage for you, but it just turns out you're back to your old tricks again."
"Literally." Naruto agrees. "I've been using old pranks used in my childhood, and the number of ANBU still getting caught in them are suckers. They're the ones I'm doing this for. That and the A-rank paycheck with my name on it every two weeks I do this."
"A-rank? My God Tsunade how will you be suckered into that?" Minato laughs, clutching his middle.
"Pun fully intended!" Obito stage whispers, setting off his seat mates.
"A-rank pay for pranking ANBU? How the hell did you manage that?" Anko asks, laughing.
Naruto grins widely, eyes sparkling with mischief. "As this isn't a normal mission and there was no precedent for it . . . we had to hash out some particulars about it."
"Did you con the Hokage out of money?" Iruka asks sternly.
Naruto adopts an innocent moue. "Nade isn't paying out of her own pocket for this mission silly 'Ruka-sensei!"
Snickering at a close to snapping Iruka, Anko clarifies. "So, you're conning the village out of money?"
Naruto thinks about it, and shrugs. "Yeah."
"Don't act so nonchalant about that!" Kushina giggles.
"Naruto . . ." Minato sighs, like a parent who'd already spoken too many times to their children about the naughty behavior.
"And you don't see something wrong with that?" Ino asks, amused.
Naruto's instant and cheerful reply is, "No!"
"A small pittance, but a beginning to compensation for his shitty childhood nonetheless." Obito points out in a tone like a wise old man.
Tsunade, Jiraiya, Ryu, Kakashi and Shikaku watched through the crystal viewing orb (thank the lord sensei was kind enough to leave instructions) as the ANBU rushed through in the middle of Naruto's first battle in the Prank War. The "Test Run" was over and now it was time for, as Naruto put it,
"To nut up or shut up! You pussies think you can take me on, let's see what you're made of! This is not a drill fuck faces, I repeat, this is not a drill!" An then he proceeded to howl with mad laughter as he and fifteen other clones used a modified flame thrower to douse the area in flames so hot they were nearly white.
"Don't . . . don't look so pleased." Minato nearly pleads to his girlfriend.
So far, out of the twenty ANBU that had volunteered for today's battle, three had been caught within the span of four hours. Oh, yes, Naruto had started this game promptly after breakfast, and at noon he was still hungry for more. The area of the Forest of Death he had chosen, a good twenty acres corralled off by seals, was liberally peppered with traps. From basic log traps to complex where-did-you-get-that-many-chickens traps and once or twice they were blessed to see a truly masterful no-one-should-bend-and-scream-that-way trap.
Jiraiya was busy dabbing at his eyes with a handkerchief with the occasional shaking shoulders. "I'm so . . ." he inhales shakily. "Proud!" he whimpers.
"You too, Jiraiya!" Kushina nearly sings, her and the man sharing glowing looks of pride.
Ryu doesn't say anything and his posture is completely free of any tells as expected of the ANBU Commander. However, in his mind, he freely admits to being embarrassed.
"As you should." Minato mutters darkly.
Shikaku and Kakashi share short comments on Naruto's tactics and the ANBU's responses.
"If perhaps he could add in some psychological and/or emotional turmoil then I'd say Naruto's got a good thing going." Kakashi points out in his usual lazy manner.
"I think your idea of psychological turmoil is far harsher than anybody can handle without breaking." Obito deadpans.
"That's the point of ANBU," Kakashi argues reasonably. "They take broken soldiers, or break soldiers and fix them in such a way as to function with minimal normalcy in society with a greater emphasis on getting missions done no matter what. There has to be a reason why I got in there and did so well after all."
Shikaku shakes his head. "That's putting it on too thick for the first date Kakashi. These things take time to build up, when the relationship solidifies. Once Naruto has been associated with negative emotions, only then can he truly work."
"Hush!" Tsunade hisses, leaning forward excitedly. "They're entering the Gorilla Paddock."
Ah . . . the Gorilla Paddock. Naruto's nod to the Sandaime, as well as an excellent chance to test the ANBU's ability to survive against brute force using only shadows and tricks. Makes things harder when these particular gorillas just smash everything until shadows are too small to hide in, that and their hearing is excellent. Plus . . . there may or may not be a giant komodo dragon or two in there imported by a helpful circus ring leader from Tsuki after the damn things nearly killed three performers.
"He really puts his all into these things." Rin notices.
"Pranks, the truly great ones, take time and patience to pull off. There's so many variables one has to consider in order to pull off a prank correctly and not have it backfire on either yourself or the wrong people." Kushina reveals.
Naruto watched from above in the safety of the trees, allowing a baby gorilla to comb through his hair for bugs.
"No, no, no!" Naruto sighs loudly, before shouting down. "Doing that only excites them more Sakana!"
And then, "Oh sure Kamo . . . because they like fire right? Serves you right to be stung by the giant bees!"
"Well, you do attract more flies with honey than vinegar. Am I right?" Obito laughs, only stopping when Kakashi wallops him in the face with a pillow.
The test ended five hours later, with a crew of Naruto clones being sent to retrieve the ten ANBU who were caught by traps. Naruto just hoped the one who fell into quicksand wasn't too far down.
"Over half of them, how embarrassing." Tsunade mutters.
"Must have lost a lot of the good ones to the K— er . . ." Kushina stops, hesitating.
Kyuubi sighs and gives her a no-nonsense look. "Yes, Kushina, no doubt I squished some if not eighty percent of your elites under my paws. I tend to do that. Makes destroying places easier when the majority of the forces are dead."
"At least you're honest." Kushina shrugs with a dark smirk.
"Well, I'll be handing in my evaluations to your Commander and Hokage-sama." Naruto informs them, hands in his pocket and a stick of pocky bobbing in his mouth with every word as he nibbled on the strawberry covered treat. "Though, if I can give you guys a hint . . . you suck."
Naruto left the clearing just outside of the Forest of Death via shunshin where the survivors lay, and reappeared in the Hokage's office. Naruto bowed to his superiors with a low murmured greeting.
Tsunade beckons him forward. "We saw everything in the crystal ball. There's still lots of work to be done right?"
"Oh, I imagine so!" Naruto agrees, handing her his written report and evaluations, on both team and individual performances.
"So, any idea what the next prank will be?" Jiraiya asks his student.
Naruto just offers a short, cryptic reply. "Not all threats lie in combat."
The ANBU aren't exactly the best of sleepers. Some suffer a small bout of insomnia every now and then, very few oversleep. The ones that sleep past a certain point are always helpfully guided out of such a dangerous habit by their fellow ANBU. Generally, when breakfast time hits, that's the time they all decide to "wake up."
The mess hall is filling, some ANBU having slept at the Headquarters, some coming from their own apartments, and others just getting back from a mission and wanting sustenance before becoming dead to the world. Breakfast might not be five-star, but these brave men and women have tasted ration bars far too long to care about how breakfast might taste to others. They're alive, they're eating, the food is warm and it tastes a hell of a lot better than ration bars.
"That's a simplistic look on life which is either enviable for its efficiency or plain sad for the kind of things they'll enjoy at this point in their life." Obito observes.
"A stark, if not bleak outlook on it . . . but not untrue either." Minato says with a nod of his head.
ANBU Doko is a newbie, having only been in ANBU for about six months now. Around her sit ANBU in similar rookie positions. They've been here at least a year already though— ANBU doesn't just recruit anyone, so it'll be a while before you find rookies. They huddle together in a table in the middle of the mess hall, surrounded by tables of more senior operatives.
"Six months? Such a newbie . . . hasn't even slit the throat of her first noble yet I bet." Jiraiya coos.
"Oh, those nitty gritty assassinations." Minato reminisces.
Doko tucks black hair behind her ears and picks up her chopsticks. She goes in to grab a ball of rice, before stopping.
The others notice her hesitation. "Watching your figure Doko?" Tokage asks teasingly, though it's hard to hear the teasing in his methodical drawl.
Doko shakes her head, not sure herself of why she can't eat. Surely, the food here can't be contaminated by Uzumaki-san. This place was filled to the brim with ANBU, not even he would think about it.
Then again, didn't he sneak in here enough a few years ago to add some temporary and embarrassing changes to the ANBU uniform? Doko shakes her head again, puts her chopsticks down, and pushes the tray away. "I can't eat it. I don't know what he might have done." She confesses, fishing for a ration bar in her weapons pouch.
Minato makes a noise of approval. "Very good. Being ANBU means more than just being wary. Everything and anything might be an opportunity, and the conditioning for that doesn't stop just because you're at home."
Tokage snorts, purposefully grabbing a piece of fish and dipping it in soy sauce before taking a slow, luxurious bite of it. "Your loss." He chirps. The other rookies don't laugh, but they give her sympathetic looks as they too dig in. They might understand her fear of Uzumaki Naruto hurting the food . . . but he couldn't have—
Tokage drops his chopsticks to the ground with a clatter, the rice being held by them dropping to the floor. He blinks rapidly, reaching for his drink and chugging it. Even then, he still finds no relief from the strange burning sensation on his tongue. It was on fire!
"Did he put pepper in the food?" Rin asks.
"Must be a lot to make these guys cry." Obito giggles.
"Maybe not, I'm not getting much of a good impression from the ANBU of the future." Minato denies.
"My tongue!" he grunts, but because his tongue is currently hanging out of his mouth as he pants like a dog and fans it, it sounds more like, "Iy hung!"
Similar scenes are happening around the mess hall. ANBU jumping up and trying vainly to put out the fires in their mouths, trying to curse Naruto but not sounding coherent or clear at all. Doko looks around, pressing her lips together to suppress her amusement. She looks down at her tray— something so simple . . . they didn't think anyone would dare touch the food of the ANBU!
"Look where our arrogance got us." She mutters, looking back up and gasping when the prankster himself sat across from her with a wicked grin.
"Congratulation Doko! You were the only rookie to wise up." Naruto congratulates her by sliding forward a take-out box of ramen and taking away the tray filled with pepper.
"How'd you accomplish this Naruto?" ANBU Washi asks with interest, the man himself not even having a tray in front of him. Naruto smiles and explains easily, loud enough for others to hear, nodding in acceptance of Doko's thanks as she digs in to the ramen.
"It was just a simple matter of adding in some pepper to your soy sauce, and injecting your fish with wasabi. Of course, I also added pepper seeds to your rice because honestly who checks rice?" Naruto sat back, pleased with the chaos around him, soaking up the hate and KI like Vitamin D.
"I will be now for the rest of my life." Kakashi swears.
"And we can add yet another psychological break to your growing list!" Rin exclaims with mock enthusiasm. "Why you're still cleared for duty is beyond me."
"Well!" He claps his hands and stands up. "It's been great guys; I'll be seeing you folks in a couple hours for those who have guard duty around the wall and Nade-hime. Bye!" And then he dispels.
". . ." Because honestly, what can they all say?
"A fucking clone?!" Tokage roars, flipping the table of two senior operatives. Two senior operatives who had served in the Third Shinobi War and were known as second in bloodthirsty habits only to ANBU Commander Ryu, who was tied with ANBU Crow and Inu.
"Bloodthirsty?" Minato repeats with a raised eyebrow to his student who tries hard not to look pleased.
On the other side of the village the real Naruto was opening his eyes after assimilating and enjoying the memories left by his clone. Ah, pepper . . .
"What made you decide to use pepper anyway?" Kurama asks, swinging from a tree upside down.
Naruto shrugs, wiping a light sheen of sweat from his brow as he cleans the gutters. At least it wasn't burning noon sun. Damn, but these summer months were hot! "I was suddenly thinking what kaa-chan would have made of all this. And, she was called the Red Hot-Blooded Habanero . . . among other things."
"Oh, a prank dedicated to me!" Kushina squeals happily.
Kurama hums in acknowledgement. "Her methods were rather rough and crude, but I guess that's enough for you humans since they started to call her 'devil' and whatnot."
"Aw, really?" Kushina whines to the fox.
Kyuubi shrugs. "You let too much blood pitch! And you never tie them down adequately, so when they struggle things get messy. Your execution needs some fine tuning, but I said it was enough didn't I?"
Naruto turns to the Fox with a grin. "Bet you could show them what a devil really is right Kurama?"
"Well, I try to be humble and unobtrusive." Kurama is demure.
"And I'm a fairy." Minato jokes.
"Who knows, you're small and pretty like one." Kyuubi shoots back.
"Ooh burn!" Obito shouts hysterically.
"Because you're so much better mister Fox-with-man-hands." Minato tosses to the fox, who growls threateningly.
"And the ref takes a point away." Kushina mutters, smiling.
"Right." Naruto snorts, finishing up his job. "Do me a favor and water the plants on the sides for me?"
"Sure. You know, some vines on the side would really add some charm. Especially if they were poisonous. And were, theoretically . . . sentient beings that could differentiate friend or foe." Kurama adds in casually.
"For the last time Kurama— no Demon Black Market purchases." Naruto sternly tells his friend.
"Naruto, Kurama-san! Come inside for breakfast now!" Katsu calls them from the back porch, closing the door afterwards.
"I guess I'll water them later." Kurama shrugs, moving inside with Naruto. "By the way . . . what's next for the poor ANBU?"
"Hmm," Naruto hums considerately, moving to the bathroom to wash his hands. "Well . . . I'm not sure. Nothing for now."
"Nothing?" Kurama asks, but the door has closed now and he moves to the table where Katsu is setting up breakfast. He thanks her for his plate, the waits with her for Naruto to come back. Once he settles into his seat and they offer thanks for the food, Kurama repeats his earlier question.
"Nothing?"
Naruto smiles wickedly, stabbing into his pancakes. "Sometimes the anticipation is even worse than the actual punishment. A lesson taught to me many times by Iruka-sensei. I think some silence on the war front will really draw out the tension."
"True enough." They all mutter. Somehow, even when they were given breaks from the war efforts it made it worse because the silence from the enemy's side was unbearable. What were they planning? What would happen?
Naruto's idea of drawing out tension was almost cruel. He didn't go into hiding and leave the ANBU in suspense, letting them plan or build defenses. No. He made absolutely sure that they knew he was only taking a break.
He did this by making frequent appearances in the village, winking at hidden ANBU or boldly waving. That 'I-know-something-you-don't' smile drove many an ANBU to distraction, some not even sleeping from the paranoia. Nerves were stretched, frayed, and some even shattered before older and more experience ANBU forcefully glued them back together with the blood of the owner.
On the fourth day, Naruto made no such casual movements. Today was an important day. Tonight would be even better, but for now he was bringing in the pre-party. For the moment, ANBU was none of his concern.
"What's the day? What's so important about it?" Kushina wonders.
"Listen and you'll find out." Minato murmurs, an amused smile on his face as Kushina huffs.
Tsunade looks up from her paperwork and smiles when she notices the chakra signature.
"Come in." she calls, and the door swings wide open to reveal a beaming, bright-faced Naruto. Tsunade raises an eyebrow at the happy face, and wonders who he finally broke.
"What's with the sunshine brat?" she asks as he walks in, closing the door.
"What do you mean?" he asks, walking straight over to the desk. "It's a good day isn't it? In fact . . ." he leans over and kisses Tsunade on the cheek. "It's your birthday!" he finishes with a grin, avoiding the gentle swat Tsunade aims at his head.
"Uwaah! Your birthday, Tsunade-sama!" Rin exclaims.
"And Naruto remembered!" Kushina adds gloatingly.
"Happy Birthday Tsunade!" They all crow to the blushing woman, who just nods— a quick jerk of her head before waving Rin on to continue reading.
"It's nothing special to celebrate." Tsunade huffs, though she is secretly pleased.
"Of course it is!" Naruto gasps in affront, sitting down in front of the desk. He reaches into the pocket of his jacket and brings out a present wrapped in emerald green paper tied with a blue ribbon. "Happy birthday Nade."
"You didn't have to get me anything." Tsunade protests.
"Just open it woman." Naruto insists, waving his hand towards the wrapped gift. Tsunade sighs but obliges, carefully putting the ribbon to the side. She unwraps the gift box and opens it, pushing aside the gift wrap paper. Seeing what's inside she half-groans and half-laughs, looking up at him with an incredulously.
"Seriously?" She asks, pulling out the extra-large snow globe. In the very center sat a casino, the customary snow swirling around it as she shook the globe with some glittering money sign additions and pink glitter.
"It's perfect for you." Jiraiya teases. "And a lovely desk ornament."
"So you'll never be without Hime-chan!" Naruto chirps, looking unapologetic. "Besides, you're missing something else." He gestures to the box again. She once again rummages through the paper, and pulls out a small jewelry box.
"Always with the jewelry, that kid." Minato laughs. "I wonder if that will be the same too . . ." Though Minato knew in his private thoughts that there would be a lot of habits Naruto would never acquire or think to pick up with the changes they'd make soon. But that was later— and this, ironically, was now.
Grinning, Tsunade opens the little box and gasps at the beautiful drop earrings nestled inside.
"Naruto, you really shouldn't have!" Tsunade's voice is more wondrous than scolding though, so Naruto permits himself a pat on the back. "And they're my birthstone too." She adds, looking at them as they flashed in the light.
"Inari was telling me the jewelry business was really kicking off over there, and that one of the stores was having a birthstone collection sale." Naruto explains. "Don't worry; they weren't as expensive as you might think."
"How thoughtful." Tsunade murmurs warmly, a hand on her cheek as she smiles softly. Jiraiya is careful to only look out of the corner of his eye, but soaks in the once in a million soft face Tsunade makes. He doubt he'd see it again until Naruto's birth.
"Well they're gorgeous and that's all that matters to me." Tsunade declares, lovely smile lighting up her face as she reaches over and pats Naruto's cheek. "Thank you Naruto."
"Don't thank me, just come over for dinner tonight. We can have a party!" Naruto cries, flinging his arms out dramatically.
"Fine. Not too many people though." Tsunade specifies.
"Sure, anything you want today hime-sama." Naruto agrees easily.
Tsunade rolls her eyes at the 'hime' title, but lets it slide in light of the new opportunity. "Anything?" she asks.
Naruto tilts his head in her direction, expression clearly amused. "Though I discourage leaving a rookie to the important paperwork, I can find the sake Shizune has hidden oh so well . . . and perhaps I can take over at the missions desk for a few?"
"My poor child, you're only setting yourself up. All this training now and you'll be Hokage!" Minato warns.
Tsunade laughs delightedly, reclining in her seat. "Hm, this birthday might be worth celebrating after all!"
The day ran by smoothly with Naruto helping out around the Hokage's Tower while his clones prepared the house for the party along with Katsu, another regiment of clones assisting in the cooking and baking. She spent hours over the food and the cake, the wines and sakes that she selected with Chouji's help. Who better to help select wines to go with meals than the scion of the Clan of food himself?
Needless to say, the party was wonderful and Tsunade loved every bit of it. Naruto had extracted a strict promise from Jiraiya (via ninja wire, a rusty spoon, and Anko's eager help) to tone down the perversion especially around Tsunade.
Jiraiya grunts. "Tch. Brat."
"It was warranted I bet." Tsunade snaps.
Tsunade was flustered by the presents she received, and said flustering was directly proportional to just how physical she was with her embarrassment. Still, despite that Tsunade left the house with Naruto and Shizune as chaperones, fully sated, fully drunk, and very happy. Shizune couldn't even find it in herself to become exasperated at Tsunade's state as the woman sauntered home in a wavy line with the new coat Katsu had bought her draped across her shoulders and her bag with the other gifts swinging in time to her hiccups and giggles, bouncing against her leg.
"Someone had lots of fun." Kushina titters.
"I'm sure he gets his talent for event planning from you Kushina." Tsunade acknowledges with a grin, snickering at the woman's gloating grin.
The village also got to share in Tsunade's good mood for the rest of the month. Shinobi now had a less than forty-five percent chance of opening the Hokage's door to her office with their face having a meeting with some airborne abject thrown out of ire or frustration. Paperwork was gotten through a little faster and the Elders were a little less insistent on Naruto being kept inside the village. ANBU were given less harsh critiques— though to be fair now they were getting better at handling and countering Naruto's attacks, and now Naruto found it harder than ever to sneak into the ANBU facility without detection.
"About time!" Minato and Kakashi sigh, giving each other commiserating looks.
Sometimes though, he had to play the 'stern father' and clearly draw boundaries. Such as the time he had taken Katsu out on an evening date.
"He never said you couldn't stalk during— umph." Kakashi is cut off by a pillow put lightly to his face by Obito.
"Dude no. That's not Bro Code. We never screw up a guy's chance." Obito reminds Kakashi, who nods in an abashed manner.
Katsu snuggles up to him, sighing happily after their dinner date. Naruto looks down at her and smiles tenderly, pulling her just that little bit closer to his body, and his warmth. They take a stroll through the park on their way home, and the night warm enough that Naruto has his jacket slung over one shoulder, and thoughts of ice cream aren't far away.
"That was a great date Naruto, thank you." Katsu murmurs, eyes closed as she trusts Naruto to keep their gait steady.
"Yeah?" Naruto asks, pleased. "Next time we can give our compliments to the chef. I had no idea there was a restaurant just around the corner from the Hokage Tower!"
"I think it's new . . ." Katsu replies. "The family that owns it isn't from around here."
Which, Naruto thought to himself, explained the top notch service dealt to him and Katsu. But those thoughts were for later! Right now, he was still well within the window of opportunity for some prime making out in a dark, gritty alley. The time-tested traditional ending of all great dates . . . or so Kakashi and Genma swear.
"Ugh, no." Tsunade, Kushina, and Rin all mutter with wrinkled noses.
Jiraiya can't refrain himself from scoffing. "Oh please. You all say that, but I can bet that not counting little Rin-chan, you two have had some steamy sessions in alleyways, if not for the thrill then for convenience."
"Yeah, but you don't plan to make out in dark, gritty alleys." Kushina argues.
Jiraiya shrugs. "And why not? Keep it spicy, and all that."
"Naruto?" Katsu sighs.
"Yeah babe?"
"When are those ANBU going to stop following us?" She asks, head tipping back to stare at him with glittering gold eyes, and it's clear she is not amused.
Naruto tilted his head, looking at shadows that would be impenetrable, if he couldn't see at night. "Well . . . I never said dates were off limits. But you would think I wouldn't have to write that down. Wasn't there an unspoken agreement we had on this?"
"You might want to verbalize that agreement." Katsu suggests. "Get rid of them or I will."
Naruto shivers. "Oh, honey they're not ready for you." Katsu giggles as Naruto gently disentangles them and vanishes into the shadows. "Just wait at the bench for me, no way you're walking home alone dressed like that."
"And waiting by herself at a bench is better?" Rin asks skeptically.
Katsu huffs, but her smile is giddy as she goes to the park bench to watch Naruto work.
The ANBU have seen him join their turf, and are tense . . . quiet as they wait for him to appear.
The first to be caught is ANBU Nezumi. The only warning the shinobi gets is a playful, warm whisper on the back of his neck. "Dude, this isn't cool." Naruto chides playfully before chopping the man in the throat and dragging him into the darkness.
ANBU Uma was next. "Surprise Ninja!" Naruto hisses into his ear as he loops ninja wire around the ANBU and smashes his mask in.
One by one they fall, none of them expecting it or getting any warning. They all fall . . . to the pepper powder, the itching powder . . . the glitter, paint, bugs, and good old paper bag. He's rounded them up and hog tied them in a line. He walks up and down this line, clucking his tongue in disappointment. The trick, he reminds himself, is not to take things at a walk but at a run. They never expected head-on collisions in what were clearly subtle and tricky conditions.
"Ladies and gentleman." Naruto starts off softly, giving them each his best 'I'm disappointed in you' look. "You've let me down. If you're going to stalk me on one of my rare, coveted nights out with my beautiful lady— you better make damn sure I don't catch you. Because stalking me on dates? That's not cool bros. That's not cool at all. So, what do you have to say for yourself?" Naruto stops, hands on his hips as he looks down at them in stern disapproval.
"How did you sense us?" ANBU Doko asks. "Ow!" a soft gasp of pain leaves her when something very sharp and very stinging hits her backside with force before quickly darting away.
"Not what I was expecting," Naruto admits, fingers tracing his leather whip. "But a good question nonetheless. Next time, Doko, I expect a sorry."
"Where the hell did he get a whip?" Kakashi asks, confused.
"Why does he have a whip?" Rin asks, clearly baffled.
"What . . . ?" ANBU Tobu trails off, and he is clearly indicating the whip in Naruto's hands. He hisses in slight pain when the whip touches upon his hip, the sting sharp and slow to go away.
"Oh this." Naruto looks down at the whip. "Well Daddy likes to play rough . . . I'm just joking!" He adds, sensing the killer intent coming from the female operatives. "Come on guys, this is Hyō's whip, I just borrowed it for dramatic flair."
"Not going to lie, and no homo . . . that was kind of hot. Don't you agree Rin?" Obito asks, gleefully taking in the choked expressions of the adults.
"I must admit, I also feel slight warmth along the collar . . . if you know what I mean." The two giggle obscenely and rub elbows, oblivious to the expressions of intermingled anger, queasiness, and shock on their sensei and the other adult's faces. Well, all except Jiraiya of course who makes a note to add some whips into his scenes for his Icha Icha books.
"Uzumaki-san." ANBU Chō growls threateningly, and though she is tied up and Naruto has ample time to escape he decides to appease her. Females carried grudges for a long time, this he knew thanks to Jiraiya.
"Fine, fine little Butterfly." Naruto acquiesces. "It was kind of hard not to notice the sudden bone white painted masks that would pop up in the reflection of my wine glass every fifteen minutes you dolts. And you never made attempts to hide your chakra, sweet lord a genin could find you if they really tried! Whoever taught you subtlety needs to be stabbed, repeatedly, in the kneecaps." Truthfully it was Katsu who noticed, but the whole 'keep her secret' thing was still going on pretty strong, at least on the shinobi skills front.
"Now!" Naruto cracks the whip in front of the tied ANBU, and he can visibly see their restraint from flinching. "Because of this sad attempt at catching me off guard, and for being nosey jerks in general, a punishment must be laid out!"
When a few moments have passed and Naruto does not seem to be forthcoming with more information, ANBU Uma takes it upon himself to ask. "And the punishment would be?"
Naruto smiles sweetly. "Already doled out." Naruto raises his left fist and shakes what appears to be a multitude of cloth scraps. Then he separates them to the horror of his NABU audience and proceeds to display them in full view of themselves and the other operatives that are not doubt watching their failure.
"Here we have a lovely peach and white cheekies and demi match-up from the ever so loveable Doko," Naruto displays the underwear between both hands, turning them for all to see. "If the girl underneath the mask is as adorable as this set, I can safely say that if I weren't loyal and spoken for, I'd tap that."
Jiraiya bursts into loud baying laughter. "He stole their underwear!" he cries, delighted with his godson's mischief.
"How'd he get around the actual clothes?" Rin squeaks, embarrassment for the poor ANBU lighting up her own cheeks.
Kushina huffs. "Only showing off the women's underwear. He'll not take women so lightly now that I'll be around!"
"Oh, it's harmless fun. And they do deserve it." Minato points out in between bouts of laughter.
Doko makes a noise somewhere between a squeak, a whine, and a muffled groan of horror. All around her similar shouts of surprise, anger, and shock come from her fellow operatives who also find themselves without certain pieces of apparel under their clothes.
"I won't deal with the men's underwear though I will say . . . Tobu, I didn't take you for a briefs kind of guy." Naruto shrugs and discards the few men's underwear in his hand, spitting out a glob of fire onto the articles of clothing and incinerating them almost as an afterthought.
"See, there's the guys now!" Jiraiya defends his brilliant godson.
"Now here's the real prize."
Naruto grins wickedly and holds up some very see through pieces. "Chō, isn't this yours? My, my, my . . . see through and black lace! Damn girl, you're doing it right."
Chō grinds her teeth audibly, masking the curses she wishes to hurl at the impudent brat. How did he do that anyway?!
"Ooh what's this?! ANBU Tsuru, you weren't wearing a bra you naughty thing! And this low-riding pink number," Naruto gasps and looks over at the clearly enraged operative. "You've got company at home don't you?"
"How intrusive!" Tsunade huffs, but her ire isn't totally built up because she can admit to a funny thing when she sees it, and the gift is still on her mind from earlier.
"I'LL KILL YOU. SLOWLY." Chō swears, and Naruto really believes that she believes it.
"In your dreams sweetheart. Though, if you could do me a favor and wear the same little number as tonight while you do, I swear I'd die happy." Naruto quips, also setting fire to the underwear same as he did the men. "Now let this be a lesson to you. From now on, I hope you guys take this more seriously!"
Tsunade does not power walk to the Hokage's Office like she usually does (despite it being a short distance away from the actual living quarters), but instead takes a leisurely stroll. Some nagging voice in the back of her head foretells of a strange and headache inducing week ahead of her. She'll take her time before diving into that shit storm, thank you very much.
"What exciting times as Hokage. Better to be a Kage of Konoha than anywhere else, otherwise it'd be boring!" Minato grins at a blank faced Tsunade, who feels for her future self. Thank God things were changing this time around.
What could it be? Did the ring from Deidara have some sort of dark seal on it? Was Orochimaru trying to get into the village again? Was Jiraiya peeping again?
She pauses outside of the door because damn it all if her panic alarms aren't alert and blaring in her head. She must go in though. With a deep breath she steels herself and throws open the door.
Kurama looks up from his sprawl on the couch, his long frame not totally supported as his legs must fold gracefully to the ground. The smirk that crawls across his face sends shivers crawling across Tsunade's skin but she neither speaks nor makes a gesture in his direction. She seems to adopt the 'vision based on movement' theory just this once as she closes the door and moves to her seat, drinking in crisp early morning air and waiting for Shizune to bring in the paper work. Kurama is content and quite happy actually, to wait and stare for the inevitable breaking of Tsunade's will power. She wasn't stony enough, or strong enough to best him in this. Very few humans were.
"Why are you bothering me this time?" Tsunade grumbles.
"If you think about why I would seek your weak hide out in the first place, perhaps the answer will be right in front of you." Kyuubi suggests, looking unimpressed at Tsunade's fiery glare.
"Let's play nice everyone." Rin meekly murmurs, looking between the two.
Her hand on the desk starts to move— she begins tapping. And gently it turns to rapping, rapping at her desk. Then it becomes sharp staccato, then harsh drilling, before she gives up and bangs a fist on the surface.
"That certainly didn't take long." Minato teases gently, smiling to appease Tsunade's spike of anger.
"What." She spits through gritted teeth, glaring at the fox in human skin.
Kurama merely smiles and rises from his resting spot to sit in complete composure, folding his ankles on over the other and stretching out on arm by his side as the other folds on the couch arm. He tilts his head and smiles wider at the flared nostrils of Tsunade.
"Why do you vex me so?" She huffs. "I'll tell Naruto to make you stop." She warns.
Kurama's smile is languid. Between the woman who had come into his life a scant three years ago and the Fox who had healed him, kept him company from first breath to now— there was no doubt who he'd choose.
Tsunade is instantly incensed. Come second to a demon fox? "Between me and the Fox who is responsible for his misery? I don't think the answer would be so clear." She sneers.
Kyuubi responds quietly, but there is amusement plain to see. "Naruto and I didn't have a choice. But you did . . . and you chose yourself, didn't you?"
"Kyuubi. Please." Kushina interrupts gravely. Kyuubi growls at the impertinent girl, but subsides with a gentle snuffle, resting his head on his paws.
But the very fact that he'd have to choose would sadden Naruto and Kurama was fond enough of the boy not to do that. Instead he said, "Naruto wouldn't spoil my fun, nor would he take away one of the few people who can converse normally with you."
"You call it normal." Kakashi chuckles gently.
"You don't converse. Conversations don't usually carry an agenda, a motive for each word." Tsunade retorts.
Kurama shakes his head. "So young . . ." he murmurs sorrowfully. "Pray to your grandfather every night for creating this stable world you live in— I expect you wouldn't have made it past childhood in the Clan Wars."
Tsunade's upper lip curls, but she holds her tongue. "You've come for something Kurama?" she prompts, propping up her head with a fist.
Kurama hums, blinking slowly, and eyes opening none too fast either. "There is a stirring in the land. Things are moving quickly and neither I nor Naruto have the time to adequately address every situation as we'd like."
Tsunade's brow furrows. "Is there talk in Konoha—"
"I said a stirring in the land chit." Kurama cuts off, giving Tsunade a disapproving look. To his delight her eyes light up with anger. "Konoha isn't my concern, at all. That's your priority. Mine is—"
"Yourself I bet!" Tsunade snarls.
Kyuubi smiles. "You really want to jinx yourself? We all know how you are with bets."
"Yourself?" Tsunade jabs. Kurama tilts his head and makes a 'tut, tut' sound that riles Tsunade further.
"Yes." Kurama replies simply. "I look after mine. I look after myself. And the way things are, ideals and comforts held dear to myself are going to be compromised. You need to fix that."
"You," Tsunade says it like it needs to be drug out just in disgust. "Are none of my concern."
Kurama shrugs, uncaring. "The child's idea of helping to hide the jinchuuriki. It holds merit. He will, of course, need freedom of movement and opportunities to seek out the jinchuuriki and help them. As well, there's a slight problem we'll have to fix . . ."
"That problem is?" Tsunade asks.
"None of your concern." The lofty, yet outright refusal sets Tsunade's teeth on edge. "I just need to know that you won't barricade Naruto out of some pathetic attempt to make up for past misdeeds."
"Past misdeeds?" Tsunade hisses, just about ready to skin Kyuubi. It wasn't a terribly large room, she'd catch him eventually.
"What are trying to say?" Tsunade snarls, the Kyuubi getting dangerously close to being pulverized, even if in the very back of her mind she knew that she could never even hope to touch the demon.
Kurama sighs, as if aggrieved. "And you are Hokage? A straightforward brick like you . . . oh, how I long for the subtleties of the olden days! The finesse, the cordial threats and poisons laced in the finest wines. Your enemies treated you better than your own allies back then. And here you are, asking me what I'm trying to say." Kurama shakes his head, as if the matter can't even be thought about anymore. "Tsunade, do brush up on your political intrigue."
Tsunade snarls a low, rough sound that might be akin to a cat whose caught sent of a dog. Kyuubi returns the threat with bared teeth of his own.
"Goodness, I can only imagine the hostility when Naruto is born." Minato speaks loudly enough in the tense silence to startle them, and though the joke is weak it breaks up some tension.
Tsunade grinds her teeth, but she keeps going forward because somewhere at least the damn fox will show her a clear trick, a helpful hint to perhaps figure out the rest of this. If it concerns Naruto then she would do it, even at the expense of furthering the agenda of a shady bastard like him. "You say it like I can just magically convince the hidden villages with jinchuuriki still to just hand them ever and trust us."
Kurama taps his foot against the floor, once. "So make it that they can trust you."
"How?" Tsunade presses testily.
Kurama sighs and taps his foot against the floor twice. "Are you a child to be led by the hand?"
"You have to admit you're being a little vague here." Kushina points out.
"My mistake." Kyuubi admits dryly. "I'd thought myself in the reasonable company. Perhaps I should start practicing toning down the clever wit for you all."
"You should make your piece with God before I kill you!" Tsunade shouts.
Kyuubi grins, bloodthirsty and willing. "God and I have little to do with each other. Besides, that should be my line."
Tsunade slams her hand against the desk, the wood creaking ominously. "You make no! Fucking! Sense!"
Kurama's only response is a pitying look. "You are quite the fool. Ah . . . now I regret killing Minato, even if I wasn't totally to blame for it. If he were here, I could leave Naruto in capable hands but I just can't trust any of you."
"Well thanks for that, at least." Minato mutters, sending Kyuubi a look that is slightly amused. Kyuubi's eyes brighten with dark amusement in reply.
Tsunade smiles grimly. "As if you are trustworthy? You'd sooner tear out Naruto's throat if you thought the bargain was better."
"Now that isn't fair." Kushina's voice is soft, and she doesn't notice the slightly wide-eyed look from Kyuubi who stubbornly glares at a wall. "Kyuubi I'm sure cares a great deal for Naruto." To be more specific, I'm sure Kyuubi loves Naruto.
Kurama smiles, a trace of bitterness in it. "There's no better bargain."
Tsunade narrows her eyes, seeing the bitterness as just another reason to watch out for Kurama, and to carefully assess any undue influence coming from that Fox to Naruto.
"How mean of you two." Obito sighs dramatically.
Kurama slaps his knees and rises with a sigh. "Tell you what. I'll do this as a favor to the person my host cares deeply for. I'll rummage around and offer up some opportunities to place tabs on the jinchuuriki but you must be able to spot them right away! I can't do all the work for you child."
"I'm not a child." Tsunade mutters.
"Your temper speaks otherwise." Kurama dryly counters. "Oh, and please . . . find a way to redirect those damn Root somewhere else. It gets cumbersome even for this one, to have to continually create genjutsu that makes it seem like you're talking with Jiraiya about the Akatsuki. Incidentally, if Danzo starts getting suspicious of how much Jiraiya is in the village even though his spies probably pin him somewhere else . . . well, you deal with that."
Tsunade grimaces, sending a searching gaze to Kurama. "How do you know about Danzo? And Root? And just how are you going to create these chances if you have to stick by Naruto?"
Kurama shakes his head, a proud tilt to his lips. "I don't have to stick by Naruto. Naruto doesn't need to use my chakra . . . It's just a better insurance policy to stick around him. Plus, my little host has such fun— I can't bear to be away from all the excitement!"
Kurama disappears in a column of fire that surprisingly does not create a whole lot of heat but rather a warm glow as if sitting a respectable distance away from the hearth. Tsuande sighs, rubbing her temples. Where was Shizune with her paperwork?
The door bursts open at just that time to present a flustered Shizune bustling in with a stack of paperwork from hip to chest, one hand covering the top to keep papers from fluttering. "My apologies Tsunade-sama, but there were some strange problems at the offices below. Somehow the paper was multiplying by itself, and it took us ages to figure out that a seal was being used! We had to call in Naruto-kun, lucky he was around picking up things for his own assignments later today."
"Ah? Are you proficient with fuuinjutsu already Kyuubi, or did you pick things up along with Naruto?" Minato enquires.
"Mm . . . bit of both I'd say." Kyuubi allows.
"Any idea where the seal came from?" Tsunade asked idly. She could take three guesses and all would be right.
Shizune shrugs, a wry twist to her lips. "Either Jiraiya-sama or Naruto-kun but I doubt either would give each other up without the right incentive."
Tsunade hums in agreement, "You're right about that—"
The door bursts open, much more wildly than when Shizune came in, to reveal a panting form that she could identify as one from the Courier Office.
"And so the Week from Hell is off to a fine start." Kakashi waxes poetic.
"Hokage-sama!" he shouted, panting and stumbling into the room. "Urgent news from the Daimyo! A . . . A Ghost Army approaches!"
Tsunade bites back a groan, and reaches for the scroll the nin carries.
"Thus ends the chapter, and therefore the day for us. Let's eat and go to sleep!" Rin chirps, dropping the book and standing up to stretch.
"Mm, I could really go for some ramen." Kushina agrees.
"Well since you've gone so long without it and haven't complained, I'm sure we can all agree on that for the menu." Minato obliges her. "And for you Kyuubi?"
"That watermelon will be fine . . . and a steak, if we've got it, well done." Kyuubi answers, not unkindly.
So ends the thirty-sixth chapter in our saga. Reviews are going to be even more welcome than usual, i've only gotten a trickle of them since my brief departure from here. See you all either on the 26th or the 2nd of November! :D
Love,
Bloody Mad~3