Okay, so I gave this another shot. This was a difficult chapter to write, and by the end of it I didnt know if I felt worse for Reid or for Seth :(

Hope you enjoy, if you're still reading.

xxx

The blissful void didn't last.

Spencer came to slowly, his eyelids leaden and his arms aching.

With a pained moan he shifted to escape the sensation -or tried to at least. The pain only intensified, a brutal sting that went through his whole body as metal dug into his left wrist, cold and unrelenting.

Spencer's eyes snapped open, drowsiness cut in half in an instant. Handcuffs...around a bed frame. The motel bed...

Their motel room.

...Seth.

No-

He gasped for air like a drowning man, feeling the waves of anguish and terror he'd so desperately tried to escape wash over him yet again and leaving him shaking. The past, all of it, every gruesome, shattering detail...the horrible, horrible present...

No. No, no-

Without thinking, he began to struggle to get free, clawing at the restraint with his free hand, but his whole body felt just as heavy as his eyelids, making every movement a great effort, leaving him with cold sweat on his forehead and his pulse rushing in his ears, chased by a frantic heartbeat.

Breathing hard, he pressed his eyes shut, trying to force himself to still, to think...to not give in to his overwhelming emotions but- it hurt, everything hurt...he felt like he was being crushed-

"No," he could feel the metal tearing at his skin but didn't care, "no, no, nonono-"

"Don't." Steps, then the mattress dipped by his hip and there were hands on him, stilling his trembling arms. "You'll rip the bandages."

The voice went through him like a knife.

Through the black spots dancing in front of his eyes, Spencer stared up at Seth Gecko, into eyes that had once meant his world and that were now burning him like hot iron.

A mere second he was frozen- then instinct kicked in and he reared back, thrashing to get out of the man's grip, to get away, another string of sounds gushing from his throat.

NO! It was all he could think, all that comprised him at that moment, his whole being a single guttural scream.

It was no use. Of course not, he knew as much and yet he fought with all his strength anyway.

Seth leaned over him, solid as a wall, gripping his hands more tightly and pushing them down, making him feel even more trapped-

"Spencer-"

It was too much, enough to snap his last bit of control. He fought, fought desperately, trying to shake off the feeling of being suffocated, crushed, fought against the sobs trying to claw their way out of his throat, against the panic that threatened to swallow him whole...

No. He'd been so, so afraid of this- of Seth not letting him go, tearing him back into this hell- forcing his presence on him, a scorching reminder of his agony.

He'd tried so hard to get away, to make things right, to make the pain stop, to get away-

Seth's hand on his skin felt like a branding iron, searing pain down to his bone...

"Let go," he wheezed, the world around him a blur, "let go, let me-"

Seth didn't move a finger.

His hands stayed in place, keeping Spencer's bandages in place and him from ripping open his slashed wrists, protecting him, like the cruelest of jokes.

...

He didn't know how long it was until the world around him regained any form.

Through screams and crying, his own or that out of memories he couldn't tell anymore- he thought he heard another voice, talking, calming words...so far removed, so insignificant.

'-let it out...alright...understand...just breathe...focus...here...'

It did nothing to bring him relief, to ease the drive to get away from it all, from the memories, from his touch.

In the end, the only reason he finally stilled was because his body had no more energy left to obey his mind. He ended up lying there, trembling and aching, his throat sore, still trapped, trying hard to catch his breath...eyes pressed shut he did the only thing he could, trying to block out the metal, and Seth's hands, and everything.

Breathing in and out sharply, he fought for any kind of mental shield to put up, fought to shut it all out...

But he couldn't. He was just too exhausted, too broken...he couldn't get away, even mentally...couldn't even shut out the pain, the panic-

"Take them off," he choked out, hating the way his voice sounded desperate, pleading, "take- stop it, just-"

Tears were blurring his sight but he refused to let them fall. Not that Seth wouldn't see anyway. Not that it would matter to him...after how much crying Spencer had done in the past.

"I can't do that." Seth's voice sounded almost regretful from above him, for a moment so soft, so familiar that they almost managed to belie his words' meaning. He actually sounded sorry. Spencer wanted laugh at that. For all he knew, somewhere in that man's warped brain he was, and thought that it mattered.

Calloused fingers trailed over the inside of Spencer's wrist briefly -lightly- Spencer pulled away and their grip tightened. Seth drew in a breath, his fingers flexing tensely.

"I know I pushed you, Spencer, and shocked you...that it was hard, remembering..." his voice was losing the pseudo-soothing tone it had had until then, anger slowly bleeding through, "But how could you- You tried to fuckin-"

For a moment Spencer thought he hadn't heard right, so shocked that he almost snapped out of his ever building panic attack. Had he just-? Was Seth actually angry at him for-? He choked on a laugh, aware that it sounded more like a sob. Insane...the man was insane...he was just going on like nothing had changed...like he wasn't the villain, clear for everyone to see.

"I broke down the door. A minute longer...and you would have bled out."

Spencer stared at a point on the wall, not reacting outwardly. On the inside, he could feel nothing but cold disappointment. Just one more minute...he'd come so close to escaping...

Strong fingers suddenly gripped his jaw, forcing his face around.

"Bled out!" Seth repeated the words, close to yelling. His eyes were blazing, his expression now nothing but a porous mask atop the storm brewing underneath.

Spencer breathed in sharply, immediately trying to pull away but Seth stilled him, making him look.

It was like a punch to the gut, breaking through any shred of control he'd been trying so desperately to reassemble over the past minutes. Seth's eyes were no different than any other time he'd looked at him, deep and rich and full of emotion. Anger, yes, but also betrayal, and regret, and fear, and helplessness, and pain -sharp and real and devastating.

Spencer felt his chest constrict, in that moment torn between two very clear reactions. Breaking down in tears at the sight of his last beloved ghost -or feeling furious himself.

For the purpose of self-preservation, he chose the letter.

Those emotions...they were his to feel. His. He was the one betrayed, the one whose heart had been crushed, who'd lost everything. Not Seth. How dare he- look at him like that? How dare he throw what he'd had to do in his face, like he had any right to his anger, like it wasn't all his fault-

He didn't try to fight the rage welling up inside him for a second, latching onto it like a lifeline.

"You should have let me die then," he hissed at Seth. He hoped that his eyes conveyed all the hatred and contempt he felt for the man in that moment even when his voice couldn't carry the emotions properly.

Seth winced, looking pale for a moment before his eyes flashed and he snarled at him. "What?"

Spencer stared at him, unmoved, unblinking, feeling the shift in the room. He was almost glad to see the man's true nature now instead of this charade he seemed to try to hard to keep up, that pretense of care, of gentleness. It made it easier in a way.

There would be no more illusions between them now, at least, he would make sure of it. If Seth thought for a minute that stopping him from dying a second time would change anything about the future-

He didn't know what exactly Seth thought, if he thought he could fix them, make things go back to how they had been somehow, if he thought he could make him forget the truth somehow if he just pushed long and hard enough...

He'd done it before, after all, ripped him away from death's door...refused to let him go...But he wouldn't now, not again. This situation, this horrid reflection of the past, Seth taking control over everything, taking and taking, tearing him down piece by piece...it wouldn't play out like that again.

Spencer knew now.

"I thought it was obvious. I did it to get way. From you." How could the man not realize that? "Because I would have rather bled out on a cold, dirty bathroom floor, alone, than to have to spend one more second looking at you!"

Seth seemed to pale at his harsh words, actually hit by them, shocked -Spencer hoped they hurt. He had no idea how Seth had deluded himself into thinking anything else until now, but no more.

"You don't mean that."

Seth's face twitched, his expression flickering somewhere between pain and anger once more. His grip tightened, until it was bordering on painful. He was beginning to seem more and more unhinged, more and more like the impulsive, poorly controlled person Spencer had met him as.

Spencer found he didn't care. What could Seth do to him, really, no matter how angry he got?

"No? Take these off and I'll show you just how much I mean it."

God, how he wished to get his hands on a knife or gun right now.

He sat there, slightly breathless from his outburst, staring and waiting for Seth to snap, to finally get it was over and drop the act, to lash out at him. For a moment that seemed like an eternity, he watched the multitude of emotions warring on Seth's face, fighting for dominance.

In the end though, Seth's grip loosened, and the man relaxed forcibly.

"You think that now," he said, eyes clouded, back to that disturbing determination, "but you won't always. But you'll be glad I stopped you once you've-"

"No. Stop it!" Spencer couldn't take one more word of it, "Let me go, right now!"

"Why?" Seth snapped, his thin layer of calm immediately cracking, "You tell me you want to hurt yourself and you think I'm gonna let you?!"

He shook his head, "That's not gonna happen, Spencer," He leaned back, looking around the room as though searching for something, or maybe just to break eye contact for a moment. When he turned back his expression had finality to it. "You're gonna stay like this until you've come to your senses and until I can be sure you're not a danger to yourself anymore."

The statement was so outrageous and ridiculous that Spencer didn't know whether to laugh or cry some more.

"Right. Because it's me we've got to worry about. Kind of funny with how often you've threatened to personally slash my throat, don't you think?"

How far gone did that man have to be to actually think he would be the one to keep Spencer from harm...and that Spencer would still want him to now?

His words made Seth freeze a second time. He was motionless for a second before the last bit of anger on his face shattered, along with his determination.

It was replaced by that terrible, regretful expression again. Spencer would have clawed his own eyes out if it had meant not having to see it on Seth's face. It was too convincing... almost enough to believe...it almost made him want to believe that Seth was doing this because he loved him, worried for him.

"Spencer, I-"

The fingers that had still been clutching his chin, relented fully and moved up, reaching out almost gingerly to cup his face.

Spencer jerked away, cringing like the touch might burn him. Or worse, crack the wall of anger he'd built around himself, let his heartbreak shine through once more-

Seth's face crunched up at his reaction. His eyes fell shut for a moment, his features a grimace of pain. He didn't pull back though, merely reached out his other hand to trap his face, and then leaned down, staring at Spencer imploringly, and so honest that it drew the air out of his lungs.

"I would never hurt you", his voice was just barely steady, "How can you even think that after everything-?"

"Don't," Spencer felt tears burning in his eyes despite himself, hot and traitorous, "Don't you dare, not after everything-"

How could Seth be doing this to him? It was worse than anything he could have done. Talking, acting like he cared about him, like he was still the man he'd pretended to be, like the man Spencer had loved wasn't gone, ripped away from him like a cloud of smoke...like he wasn't some lowlife, homicidal psychopath who had intentionally taken advantage of his every weakness-

He wanted to throw in his face that he wasn't scared of him, that he was nothing to him, less than that-

The truth was though, he was terrified.

There wasn't a single thing that Seth could do that wouldn't hurt him, he knew, not when even looking at him ached this much.

He shook his head, laughing, "You have hurt me and hurt me and hurt me from day one and in every possible way there was! You took everything from me, broke me- You think I'm afraid of you?! I tried to kill myself, what else can you do to me?! How could you hurt me worse than you already have?!"

"Spencer, I know that what I did was- but you have to understand why I-"

"No!" he was shouting now, not caring about the wetness on his cheeks, "I don't want your explanations, or your apologies! I know enough...enough to know that I never want you near me again...you think, what? That you can tie me up here until I get it? Until I somehow understand why you-" his voice almost broke. He chocked down a sob, "Until I forgive you?"

He stared up at Seth, breathless and trembling, searching his face for any reaction, anything other than- but there it was, plainly visible. That was exactly what Seth wanted.

Spencer felt himself grow cold, his eyes hardening as he spoke the next syllables, slowly and clearly so Seth wouldn't miss them.

"I will never forgive you."

He didn't know why Seth would want forgiveness in the first place -either he actually was deluded enough to think that what they'd had was a real relationship, or he really just wanted to have it easy again, like before, for Spencer not to make it difficult fro him to get what he wanted, to just roll over like- He shook himself, disgusted. Never.

He kept looking at Seth, just long enough to know he'd gotten it, to see his resolve crumble. It almost felt like it might make up for the reaction he was sure would follow soon.

Seth would lose it.

He closed his eyes, trying to hold on to the indifference he felt about that. It had been so long since Seth had ever done anything to physically hurt him, and even back then- but he was capable of it of course.

Maybe it would help. Help draw a clear line once and for all. Help Spencer to stop aching on the inside like this.

"You think I don't know that?"

He almost blinked in surprise when Seth merely kept talking, controlled, even as his voice didn't show it anymore, "You think I don't know how you feel right now, that I don't hate myself for it?"

Gods, no, he sounded so sincere, so torn...

"You can hate me if you want to..." he'd never heard Seth so shaken, so desperate. It was disturbing. "But I won't leave you alone with this. I will get you through this...I was, you know I was, I was helping you through the nightmares, and the loss...I was helping you get your life back tog-"

"I don't have a life!" Spencer suddenly snapped, unable to listen anymore, to let this go on, "Everybody I love is dead or has given up on me! Because of you!" He ignored Seth flinching. "All I have is this sick charade-"

"It wasn't a charade, Spencer, I meant everything I-"

Again, Spencer stopped him, eyes blazing with tears, voice shaking as he screamed, "You meant it alright! You meant it when you promised you'd kill everyone I cared about if I didn't comply, you meant it when you promised to rip me away from my life and chain me up until I lost my mind, until I became some puppet for you to f-"

At that, Seth finally, finally snapped, along with Spencer. He lurched forward, grabbing him again and shoving him back onto the bed, knocking the air out of him before he could finish his sentence. He was breathing heavily, his eyes shining with fury and hurt, aggression.

Spencer just laughed at him and the pain. Finally. That had taken long enough.

"Go ahead," he spat, "What's the point of pretty words anymore? We both know what you are, what you are capable of. You can keep me tied up here as long as you want to. Do whatever you can come up with -it won't change anything. You'll still be a monster. I will still hate you and I'll still do anything to get away from you. I'd rather be dead than with you."

He watched with sickening satisfaction as the words ripped through Seth, lessening his own pain just slightly, watched him fall apart. Seth was shaking atop of him, his heavy muscles tensing, ready to press down on him further, to retaliate, he knew- he watched the darkness dawn in the other man's eyes, so startlingly different and yet so familiar from a past lifetime; he watched Seth Gecko reemerge.

The man's eyes were black as night as he looked down on him, the muscles in his jaw twitching. "You'll change your mind."

Spencer watched as his weakness, everything that could be attacked, was pulled back behind a shield old cold and hardness, the way it had always been. He refused to let it terrify him, even as his chest constricted and instincts kicked in, he reminded himself: Seth couldn't hurt him anymore than he already had.

He might as well hurt himself trying.

Okay, so I hope this wasn't too triggering. And that neither of them were too OOC. Reid too aggressive and Seth too soft, but well, it's a difficult situation for both of them. I shall see how to get them out of that :)

Please review, thank you.