THIRTY-THREE: FRIGHTENING (259 days)

Merlin took a deep breath as he entered the familiar chambers. He hated to admit it, but Arthur was right. He did know Kerenza quite well, despite not knowing her for very long. It was frightening to realize that he cared so deeply for someone that he hadn't known for very long, but avoiding her wasn't going to help anything. Avoiding her hadn't helped him sort through his feelings.

Looking around the room, Merlin only saw Gaius, leaning against one of the tables as he mixed up a tincture of some sort. The old physician looked at him. "Please tell me you've come to make things right with Kerenza."

Merlin frowned slightly. "It's nice to see you, too," he muttered.

"Of course I'm happy to see you, my boy. I hardly ever see you anymore."

The young warlock sighed. "I know. I need to work on that." He knew he shouldn't put off visiting his old mentor. His age was beginning to catch up to him. Merlin could see it in his guardian's slower movements, and the fact that Kerenza was now responsible for the majority of Gaius's duties. As much as he hated to even think about it, he knew that Gaius wouldn't live forever. His time would come, sooner rather than later. Merlin should have been spending as much time as possible with his former guardian.

"Talk to Kerenza first. She's been moping."

Merlin arched an eyebrow. "Kerenza? Moping? I can't imagine that."

"It's rather disconcerting, to be honest. She does her job well and without complaint, but as soon as she's finished with her work, she goes into her room and sulks. She's been doing it nearly every day for a week now. Whatever has happened between the two of you, you need to remedy it."

Merlin sighed again. "Where is she now?"

"In the lower town. Seamstress Ariene's middle son, Doran, broke his leg. Kerenza went to tend to him."

The sorcerer nodded. "Thank you. I'll come back later today to see you."

"Just make sure you've resolved things with her first!" Gaius called, as Merlin left the chambers.

Merlin made his way out of the castle and toward the lower town. When he reached the home he was looking for, Ariene was outside, tending to her small garden. She smiled when she saw him. "Good afternoon, Lord Emrys."

He frowned. "You know who I am?" He knew who she was, of course. She was one of the most skilled seamstresses in Camelot. Her skills were rather famous. Everyone knew of Ariene. But he couldn't think of any reason that she would be able to recognize him.

She laughed, her grey eyes twinkling. "Everyone knows who you are by now. What can I do for you?"

"I heard that Kerenza was here."

"Yes. Little Doran was being his usual self and managed to break his leg this morning. But thanks to Kerenza, it's as good as new."

"Is she still here?"

Ariene nodded. "The boys have taken quite a liking to her. Neale won't let her put him down, and Vaughn is flirting shamelessly, despite the fact that he's only twelve."

Merlin grinned. "So you're saying that I may some competition for her affections?"

"My son is quite handsome."

Chuckling, Merlin pointed to the house. "Do you mind if I join her?"

"Of course not. Take your time, please. The longer my boys are distracted, the happier I'll be. I've been trying to clear all the weeds from this garden all week, without success."

With a nod, he entered the small home. Kerenza stood in the middle of the main room, a child no more than three years of age on her right hip; that would be Neale, Merlin assumed. Another boy, about eight, was lying on a small bed, looking upset about something. The oldest boy was proudly showing her a wooden he had apparently carved for his youngest brother. That could only be Vaughn, which meant the boy in bed was Doran.

Merlin leaned against the doorframe, content to just watch her for the time being. She had a way with children. She seemed to be making faces at the toddler she was holding, if Neale's responses were anything to judge by, while reminding Doran to stay in bed and giving Vaughn praise for his whittling skills.

Any lingering doubts he had fled as he watched her. He loved her. He was more sure of that now than he had been before. And he did know her. He might not have known everything about her, but he knew enough. He knew what kind of a person she was.

Besides, it wasn't as if they had to get married. Not yet, at any rate. For now, it was enough to simply be courting, to simply spend time together and to get to know each other even more than they already did.

Vaughn was just launching into a tale of some racing feat he'd accomplished when Kerenza finally noticed Merlin in the doorway. She gave a startled little yelp, but her hold on Neale never faltered. "Merlin. Hi."

He smiled. "Hello," he said softly.

The oldest boy narrowed his eyes, his hands going to his hips. "Who are you? What do you want with my lady?"

Kerenza chuckled, using her free hand to ruffle his hair. "Vaughn, you are such a charming young man. I would love to be your lady, but I'm afraid that you're simply too amazing for me. I'm intimidated by your strength and skills."

The boy puffed out his chest proudly at that.

Still grinning, Kerenza passed the toddler to him. Neale didn't seem happy about it, but he went to his older brother. She looked over at Doran, pointing a stern finger in his direction, and instructed, "Stay in that bed for the rest of today, young man."

"But -"

"I mean it. Your wound may be fully healed, but your body still needs rest. And behave for your mother. All of you."

Then she left the home, pulling Merlin along with her. They walked in silence. Merlin let Kerenza lead the way. He didn't care much where they went. She guided him out of the city, into the meadow they had used to practice their routine for the festival.

"So," she began, dropping his hand. "Are we done avoiding each other now?"

He sighed, scratching the back of his neck. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have acted the way that I have been for the last two weeks. It's just…You said that you love me, and I…I let my own doubts make things awkward between us."

She groaned in frustration. "I knew it," she muttered, as she began pacing. "I knew it was too soon. I shouldn't have said it. Now I've scared you away. And you probably only said it back because you felt like you had to. I've ruined everything, haven't I? Oh, I can't believe I was so stu-"

"Kerenza," he said sharply, cutting her off. He gripped her shoulders, forcing her to stop pacing, and turned her so she was facing him. He looked directly into her eyes as he said, "You did nothing wrong. I just needed to sort out my own feelings, and make sure that what I'd told you was real. I needed to make sure that I really do love you, and that I wasn't just saying it because you said it."

She bit her lip, her eyes darting away from his. "And?" she asked, her voice barely a whisper.

Grinning, he pulled her closer to him. He leaned down and pressed a soft, chaste kiss to her lips. "I really do love you."

When they pulled apart, she leaned her cheek against his shoulder. "Are you frightened? Of…loving me? Because of what happened with Freya?"

"A little, yes. I don't want to lose you like I lost her. It's also frightening to…to love you so much. We haven't known each other for very long, and these feelings are quite a bit more intense than I ever expected so soon. I'm sorry I started avoided you. I just...We shouldn't have made a game out of our feelings, even if Arthur did deserve it. We shouldn't have been playing with our hearts like that."

"I know what you mean. I didn't expect to fall in love with you so quickly. I've never been in love before you. I'm terrified, Merlin."

He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "We'll figure it out together."

Arthur sat at his desk, pouring over the documents in front of him. He wanted to make sure that he finished all of his paperwork before his upcoming trip. He knew he would have more to do once he returned. As long as he didn't have any when he left.

He'd already spoken to his most trusted knights - Leon, Elyan, Percival, Gwaine, and Mordred. They were all coming as well, and were looking forward to the chance to get out of the castle. They hadn't gone on any trips since...Well, since Merlin had been kidnapped by Morgana. Obviously, Merlin hadn't actually been traveling with them that time. He would be this time. It would be just like old times.

Except, of course, that it would be nothing like old times.

This time, the servant coming with them wouldn't be the ever cheerful Merlin. It would be Rolan. Rolan, who would undoubtedly remember to pack everything he was supposed to pack. Rolan, who never insulted Arthur. Rolan, who actually fulfilled all of his duties well and on time. Rolan, who was probably much more skilled on a horse. It would be…strange and interesting to have Rolan serving him and the knights on this trip, rather than Merlin.

And even though Merlin would be coming along, he would be there as the Court Sorcerer. He would be there as an equal, as he should have been all along. He wouldn't be cooking for them, or setting up camp for them, or any of the other things that he usually did.

Arthur knew it wasn't possible, but he half-hoped that this trip wouldn't be any different than any of the others he and his friends had taken together. But that was a ridiculous hope. This trip would be entirely different. The roles had changed. It would never be exactly the same again. Hopefully, it was different in a good way, though. Hopefully, the changes were good ones.

He didn't look up as the door opened and somebody entered the room. He could tell by the footsteps that it was Guinevere. She placed something on the table - most likely lunch, as it was nearly noon - before approaching him. She leaned against his chair, running her fingers gently through his hair. "Take a break, Arthur. You've been working on those all morning. Your eyes are crossed, so I know you can't possibly be able to focus on them properly."

With a sigh of agreement, he stood up. He gave her a brief kiss. Then, together, they sat at the table.

"This trip will be good for you," she stated, as she began cutting her meat.

"Why do you say that?"

She smiled warmly at him. "You get anxious when you've been trapped inside too long. You need to get away from the castle for a little while."

He nodded. She was right, of course. "These walls can feel a bit…small after a while." He studied her. He knew that she could feel just as stifled by the castle sometimes. "Will you be all right? We will probably be gone for a few weeks. I want to visit as many of the outer villages as I can."

"Arthur, I will be fine. Gaius and Kerenza have insisted that it would be best for me and the babe if I don't travel, not for that length of time this trip will take. I will be all right staying here."

The last thing he wanted was to put Guinevere or their son at risk. He nodded.

"Just promise me one thing, Arthur. Be safe, and come home to me."

"I promise."

To mersan123: I know! That boy doubts himself way too much.

To xxxLeanniexxx: Obviously Cupid Arthur could never be wrong. :)

To Juliana Brandagamba: I did consider having him tell Arthur about Freya. But I think that would make Arthur feel incredibly guilty, and Merlin wouldn't want that.

NerdGirlAlert: I'm so glad it didn't feel forced.

SisterOfAnElvenWannabe: Yeah, the second to last line was one of my favorites from that chapter. And oops about the mistake. Dangit. I don't always catch all of my slip-ups, and I hate it when I miss one as obvious as that. And I'm pretty sure Arthur would hate himself for killing Merlin's first love.

Okay, I know that not much is really going on in Camelot right now. There might be a hint of something in the next chapter. And there will definitely be some unrest in the chapter after that. Hopefully the lack of action isn't driving anybody crazy yet.