Rated M due to language, violence and/or adult subject matter.

Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans, Dream Theater or any lyrics.

Chapter 36: Panic Attack

"All wound …/ …afraid to die" -Panic Attack, Dream Theater

Rachel might not admit it to anybody, maybe not even to herself, but she was glad her friends knew her secrets. They've been wonderful. They're there for her but not to the point of being smothering. Of course, there were many moments of awkward, embarrassed silences, times when nobody knew what to say. It was almost as if she was new to the group but she slowly began to feel normal again. Even her queasiness had passed. Rachel wondered if it was because of her nerves. Keeping that secret inside her was not healthy. Now that her friends knew, she didn't have to keep it bottled up. That said, she hardly ever talked about that night.

Rachel's so relieved the pregnancy test was negative. She didn't know what she would've done if it said she was pregnant. She's thankful she didn't have to worry about that. Maybe Richard was right? Maybe the stress of everything messed her up? While things aren't one hundred percent perfect or even near it, she was feeling better. She regretted that she scared Richard that day. She didn't mean to do that.

After school one day, the re-acquainted friends were trying to figure out what to do. Rachel's guidance counselor came up to them, interrupting their conversation. "Excuse me Rachel, were you planning on taking driver's-ed this summer?"

That question caught Rachel by surprise. "Um, I don't know. I'll have to talk it over with my dad."

"Okay, let me know as soon as you know. Of course, it's too late for this semester. The cut off date for sighing up for the summer classes is coming up and they're filling up fast. If you'd taken the class in the fall, you'd be driving by now."

Rachel forced a smile on her face. "Um, like I said, I'd have to talk to my dad about it. I'll get back to you."

"Well, I just wanted to let you know. I didn't want you to miss out."

"Okay, thanks." Rachel rolled her eyes as the guidance counselor left. Why couldn't people mind their own business?

"I did not know you had a birthday recently and you could now drive? Is it not exciting being sixteen? When was your birthday? How did you celebrate?"

"It's not a big deal. And I can't drive because I haven't taken driver's-ed."

"Birthdays are a big deal," said Gar, "You can get a lotta loot."

"It's nothing important."

"Nonsense, birthdays are delightful and joyful."

"Not always," muttered Rachel. "Can we just forget it, please? I-I don't want to talk about it. Did we want to see a movie?"

Rachel's reluctance to speak about her birthday raised Richard's suspicions. He knew Rachel's attack happened near New Year's but he didn't know when her birthday was. About four months ago, she pushed them away, so her birthday could be any time during that time period. "Rachel, did something happen on your birthday?"

Vic and Rachel were the only ones who understood what Richard was asking. "No, nothing happened," said Rachel as she avoided making eye contact. How embarrassing to admit that nobody cared about her birthday. "That's just it, nothing happened on my birthday. It was forgotten. Even I almost forgot about it."

"So, your father and stepmother did not remember?"

Rachel shook her head. "Nope. I think they were out of town or something."

"Oh, how horrible."

"Kori, like I said, it's no big deal. Nothing to get excited about. It's just a day like any other."

"No, it is not. You must have a celebration for your special day. You must celebrate the sixteen years you have been on this earth."

Rachel sighed, "It's done, and it's over. Can't we just move passed it? I have, I'm okay with it. Besides, I wasn't really in the mood to do any celebrating at the time."

"When was your birthday?"

Rachel sighed again. She didn't like talking about her birthday. "It was last month, the beginning of February. Can we please change the subject?"

"Of course, I am sorry. I did not mean to upset you," said Kori

"Did we want to get a bite to eat before the movie?" asked Vic, "We could try out that new place or …"

Rachel became quite as they discussed the plans. She was glad they were off the subject of her birthday. She never liked that day, at least not since she started junior high. Often, she felt like a disappointment and didn't deserve a celebration.

A few days later, Rachel quickly unlocked the back door. She still had trouble doing that. There were too many memories connected to that horrible night. As she entered the house she asked, "Are you sure your uncle won't be upset if I spend the night?" She went to the refrigerator and offered Kori a bottle of water.

"It is not a problem," say Kori, accepting the water. "Uncle Galen is always pleased to have MY friends over. Besides, Cami is almost never home anymore so you do not have to worry about her. She is off with her miscreant friends. You are coming to my house, correct?"

"Kori, I already said I'd come over."

Kori wondered, "Your father is not upset about it. I would not want to get you into trouble."

Rachel shook her head as if it wasn't an issue. It wasn't as if she'd ever get in trouble for something as simple as that, even though she had. "He's away on a business trip or something. I don't know, maybe he's somewhere with Laura. She's also out of town" She shook her head again, "I don't care as long as they leave me alone."

"What about your job at the café? I am sure that takes up some of your time so you do not have to be around your father." After her first encounter with Trigon, Kori didn't like Rachel's father. Now, after knowing what Rachel's been through, she didn't want her friend around that negativity.

"Um, I don't work there anymore."

"Why not? I thought you liked working there."

"Well, things happen. When I stopped going, I kind of lost the job. Don't worry, I'm okay with it."

"What did your father say when you lost your job?"

"Uh, he doesn't know." A shadow of fear crossed Rachel's face, which she quickly hid. "I don't want to find out what his reaction would be, so I pretend to go to work. That way I can get out of the house for awhile."

"If you do not mind me asking? Where do you go?"

"I just wander around some. Usually, I hang out in an old cemetery. He'd never find me there. Don't look at me like that. It's not that creepy. It's kind of serene."

Kori shuddered, "You might find it so, but please, come to my house. I do not want my friend hanging around a creepy old cemetery."

"I don't want to take advantage of your friendship and just intrude on your life. I'm okay with how things are now. It's warming up so it's not that bad."

Following her friend up the stairs, Kori repeated, "My uncle is pleased to have my friends over so it would not be a problem. Please say you will consider it. I do not like to think of my friend sitting in such a depressing place even if you think it is peaceful."

To please Kori, Rachel agreed to think about it.

The two friends entered Rachel's room. Stunned, Kori stopped. "Oh Rachel, your room, it is …"

"Sorry, it's kind of a mess." She hastily moved aside clothes, papers and books. As she did that, Kori looked around her friend's once orderly room. It now resembled a college frat room. Not only did the already mentioned items litter the floor but also there were food wrappers and art supplies.

Kori gasped seeing an empty vodka bottle on the floor. Following the redhead's gaze, Rachel slowly and carefully progressed through the clutter on the floor. She picked up the bottle and dropped it into the ironically empty wastebasket. "It's been a rough couple of months. Don't worry I DON'T like drinking. I've only done it a few times. Sometimes, I get so …overwhelmed. But the bottle wasn't full, so I didn't drink ALL of it."

"I am truly sorry you have had to go through all of this by yourself."

Embarrassed, Rachel avoided eye contact. "I-I could've, I should've said something sooner."

As Rachel gathered some things, Kori sadly looked at Rachel's repainted wall. It worried her how dark and angry it was. She scanned the things on her friend's bed. Kori picked up a sketchbook. With a furrowed brow, she studied the drawing. It was a good drawing but Kori didn't like it. She didn't like the depressing feeling she got from it. "Rachel, why would you draw such a thing?"

Rachel took the sketchbook away. "It's just a drawing. It doesn't mean anything. Like I said it's been rough. No one knew what happened and I needed to express my feelings without letting anyone know something was wrong."

"Okay, as long as you are certain you are doing better."

"I hate that you guys know what happened to me but …at the same time, I guess I'm a little relieved. I don't know, maybe that doesn't make any sense." A reflective silence hung between the two girls for a moment. Rachel grabbed her bag, "Okay I'm ready. Let's go."

"I am truly worried about Rachel." Kori talked of her concerns about Rachel to the guys. Rachel had a study group so she wasn't there. "When I went to her house the other day, her room was a mess."

"That's no big thing," said Gar. "My room's always messy. Nothing I do changes that."

Vic muttered, "You could try cleaning it."

Kori shook her head sending her long ponytail swaying around. "No, it is more than that. Rachel is not a neat freak but she is not that untidy. She had so much stuff scattered around. It was as if she didn't care about those things, things like her books and art supplies."

"That doesn't sound like Rachel."

"She had repainted her wall of delightful, fanciful, shimmery swirls with black and red paint and hate."

"That sounds depressing but you don't know it was done with hate. Although, I probably wouldn't blame her."

"She had the word 'hate' scrawled in red across her new dark walls. I am worried about her."

"Do you know when she did that? Maybe it was just after it happened? Of course she'd be upset and depressed."

"I do not know. I did not ask. Like I said, I am worried about our friend. Even though she tries to act like things are normal again, I think she is still depressed."

Vic said, "Her father, then that bastard, put her through hell, she gonna have some dark days."

"I understand that and that was what I thought but then I saw her artwork. It was most alarming in its subject. It was a drawing of a heart but not like the kind of heart you or I would draw. It was not like a heart that would be on a valentine card." In the air, with her fingers Kori drew the outline of a heart. "It was a realistic heart, with veins and everything. Only this one looked as if it was coarsely stitched together with dark thread. In the center of the heart is a sizeable gaping hole. It was dripping black blood, although it was a pencil drawing so perhaps that was why it was black. It was truly chilling. It looked like the heart was shot. It was drawn well but it was quite grotesque."

The guys agreed, that didn't sound very good. They wondered what more they could do to help their friend. They were sure Rachel wasn't seeking any therapy. However, they were afraid of forcing Rachel to talk to a professional. That could do more harm than good. They remembered what happened when they forced the issue of abuse. Forcing Rachel to do something like that before she was ready could push her over the edge.

Ready to be alone in her room, Rachel sighed when she heard the front doorbell. She peeked out the side window. Seeing who it was, Rachel rolled her eyes. Wanting to ignore the visitor, Rachel turned from the window. Maybe if she was quiet she'd go away? That didn't work because the girl outside the door spotted her. Repeating the doorbell along with knocking and calling her name stopped Rachel. Reluctantly, she opened the front door. "What are you doing here?"

The blonde looked passed Rachel into the house. She let out a low whistle, "Wow, you've got a nice place. I don't know why you were always grumbling about things. I'd be happy if I lived in a place like this."

With her arms crossed, Rachel tried again, "What are you doing here?"

Terra pushed passed the now entirely raven-haired teen, entering the house. "Can't I stop by to catch up with an old friend?"

Rachel's dark blue eyes narrowed. "We were never friends. Now tell me what the hell are you doing here?"

"True," Terra's blue eyes flashing with disdain, "we weren't friends but I was wondering about my friends. You know, they were mine before you came along. You didn't push them away, did you?"

The fact that Terra hinted at that surprised Rachel. Terra wasn't around when Rachel pushed their friends away. Even though she was startled, she hid it from Terra. "What do you care what I do? If I did distance myself from them, wouldn't that make you happy? Didn't you just say they were your friends first?"

"You're right; I don't really care about you. I hope the others are doing alright but I'm really wondering about Gar. We were getting pretty close and I was just wondering how he's doing." Rachel didn't like or trust Terra but she could sense the blonde's sincerity. Rachel wasn't sure about how much she should share. Terra voiced Rachel's thoughts, "I know we don't like or trust one another but please, Rachel, I just wanna know he wasn't upset."

"Really? You don't want to hear he just fell apart knowing you left?"

Terra's eyes were full of concern. "Gar was really that upset about me leaving?"

"No," said Rachel even though she didn't know. She'd pushed her friends away just after Terra left. "He was quiet, kept to himself for a few days but that's all." Again, Rachel didn't really know that, she was just assuming.

"Oh, well, does he …talk about me much?"

Rachel suppressed the overwhelming urge to roll her eyes. "No."

"Oh…" Terra leaned back against a table. She didn't want Gar upset but it hurt hearing that he didn't seem to notice her absents anymore.

"Where did you go anyway?"

Terra shrugged. "I just needed some time to figure things out."

Rachel heard the rumors that Terra ran off with an older man. She didn't know if that was true but she inwardly shuddered at that thought. "Ok, well, you got what you wanted, didn't you?"

"Yeah, I guess I did." Rachel held open the door. "Um, thanks, I guess."

"Sure. Bye." Rachel closed the door before Terra could say any more.

Outside, Terra sighed. "Bye." She rolled her eyes. "I can't stand her."

Inside, Rachel said, "I can't stand her."

Rachel was fidgety after seeing Terra. She didn't know what she was up to or why she was here. For some reason she couldn't explain, Rachel didn't want be in her house. It was too confining. She paced around the kitchen. What should she do? Where should she go? She knew she could go to one of her friends but Rachel didn't want to do that.

She decided to go for a run even though she hated running. Maybe that would help her clear her mind? Grabbing her phone and mp3 player, Rachel went out into the warm afternoon sunshine.

Rachel ran to nowhere in particular. She just needed to get out of the house. Every time she thought she had a control of things, something came up and she was agitated again. She ran for a few blocks, until her lungs and legs were burning, begging her to stop.

Terra entered a small apartment. The man sitting at the table never put down the newspaper that he was reading. He simply said, "Well …"

The teen was nervous. She hoped she did things right. "I did it. I did what you wanted," she said looking for his approval.

"Good, where did you put it?"

"Um, well, you see, we don't really like one another and she doesn't trust me, so I couldn't go too far into her house."

He put down the paper enough to glare at the girl. "Terra, where did you put it?"

"I put it on the underside of a table in the front hall." He was quiet as he remembered the last time he was in that house. His silence worried Terra. "Did I do alright? I couldn't go further into her house without making her suspicious. Like I said, we don't like or trust each other."

"It should be all right. I should be able to hear what I want."

Terra furrowed her brow. "Why do you wanna listen to Rachel? What's your deal with her?"

"I don't have a 'deal' with the girl. I want to listen to her father." He lied, "It has to do with business."

Terra sighed, "Good, because it wouldn't be right for you to be obsessed with Rachel."

He ignored Terra's comment as he turned on his computer. Connecting to the listening devise, he heard nothing. "Are you sure you did it right? I don't hear anything."

"Yes, I did it just like you told me to. You probably don't hear anything cuz no one's there. No one else was home and I stuck around long enough to see Rachel leave the house." Terra hoped she didn't screw up. She hated when he got angry. He had a horrible temper. Although, sometimes, that temper made some things more exciting.

Rachel arrived home a few hours later. Her body was a little sore but for the most part, she felt all right. She felt better about Terra's visit. She didn't really know what Terra was up to. Maybe it was just as she said? She was wondering about Gar. All Rachel knew was she hasn't missed Terra.

She kept her music on as she went through the house. Knowing that her father's at work and Laura was somewhere else, Rachel felt like she could be herself. Feeling hungry, Rachel realized she hasn't taken care of herself for a while. Being with her friends has helped. They made sure she ate. Maybe it was because she got some exercise but that was the first time she'd really felt like eating in a long time.

Focusing on the song that was loudly playing through her earbuds, Rachel dug through the refrigerator for something to eat. She pulled out an apple and a bottle of water. As she pushed the door shut with her hip, she wondered if there was any peanut butter left. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a large figure standing in the kitchen. She screamed and dropped her snack and mp3 player.

Rachel's heart raced. She remembered her fingers frantically trying to pry HIS hand off her mouth. "Please, go away! Don't hurt me!"

"Rachel …" said the male voice.

Struggling to stay calm but unsuccessful, she searched for a way out. "Please don't hurt me! I'll give you anything I can but please don't touch me! Don't hurt me!"

"Rachel. Rachel. It's okay. It's me, Vic. It's Victor."

Finally hearing his voice, Rachel blinked several times. "Vic-tor." Her hands flew up to her mouth and her eyes were wide with alarm. "Omigod! Vic, I'm sorry." Visibly shaking, she continued to apologize, "I am so sorry. I didn't know it was you. I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean what I … I-I thought I was alone. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm …"

"Rachel, it's okay. I'm the one who should be apologizing. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I thought you heard me knock and come in."

Shaking her head, still stunned, her voice was slightly shaky. "Sorry, I didn't hear you." She indicated to the discarded mp3 player on the floor. Music still seeped out of the earbuds. "The music, I'm sorry, the music was too loud."

Rachel was still trembling and Vic noticed that. "Hey, you okay? I didn't just scare you, did I?" He slowly put his hand out to soothe her but she backed away. "I sent you back to that night, didn't I? Rachel, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to do that."

She wrapped her arms around herself trying to calm down. "It's okay. I'm fine."

After Terra left, he turned on the computer. There was some interference but he heard a female voice, it was Rachel. "I'm fine," she sounded irritated. He heard a sigh, then Rachel said in a calmer voice, "I'm fine. Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you."

"It's okay, I scared you. I didn't mean to do that," said a male voice. He sounded young, like he was Rachel's age. He wondered who it was. It didn't take him long to find out.

Rachel said, "Vic, you didn't scare me. You just startled me. I thought I was alone. What are you doing here?" He narrowed his eyes as he listened. She sounded like she was comfortable being around this guy. He must be one of her friends. He didn't like that she alone with guy at her house. He wondered if she was now promiscuous. That thought intrigued him but he didn't want her with other guys. He didn't like the idea of anybody else with her. In his mind, she belonged to him.

"I came to check on you earlier but you weren't here."

"Oh, that must've been when I was out on a run."

"You? Running? I didn't think you were into that kind of thing."

"I'm not, but Terra was here and after she left I guess I needed to burn off some nervous energy."

"Terra was here? What did SHE want?"

"She said she wanted to know how you guys were doing since she left. She seemed specifically interested in Gar."

"What'd you tell her?" He tuned out for a moment. He wasn't interested in their teenage gossip.

A few minutes later, he turned his attention back to the listening device. The voices were getting louder, they were coming closer. The subject's changed, they were talking about Rachel now.

Vic said, "We're just worried about you. Have you ever thought about talking to somebody?"

"I don't need to talk to anybody. I'm fine."

"Rachel," Vic said softly, "you've been hurt. Not just by your father but also by that bastard, he violated you. Your trust has been broken." He grinned, so she's told some of her friends what happened between them. That meant her guy friends probably looked at her as if she was damaged. They wouldn't want to be with her. "I just think it might help to talk to someone."

"Like I said, I'm fine." Rachel sounded frustrated. "I understand you guys are looking out for me and I appreciate that, I really do."

"But you don't like us hovering."

"It's not that you're hovering, I just don't want to keep bringing it up." He heard her sigh deeply before she continued. "There are times when I don't feel it, I don't think about it. It's as if it never happened, then something happens, something's said or a movement made and a memory seeps in.

"It's kind of like when you hurt your back. At first, everything hurts then gradually you're not in constant pain. You almost forget you hurt you back. But every now and then, you turn or reach for something and a sharp pain freezes you in place. That's how it is for me, only it's memories that stop me. I don't like them and I don't want them. I-I don't have them that often and I want to keep it that way. Th-that's why I-I don't want to talk to anyone."

"We're just concerned about you. We wanna make sure you're alright."

"Thanks for looking out for me but I-I'm okay." His grin broadened. Rachel said all the right things but he could hear the unsteadiness, the uncertainness in her voice. She told her friends she was okay but she was still afraid. He wondered how he could see her again.

"Before I leave, I should mention the other reason why I came over. After Kori heard about your birthday, she got an idea. She wants you to have a party."

He heard Rachel groan. "No, I don't need a party. I don't WANT a party."

"That's kinda what I thought but she and Gar got excited and they wanted to throw you a surprise birthday party."

"No! I don't want a party, especially a surprise one."

"Don't worry, Richard and I talked them out of that idea."

"Good."

"But we couldn't talk 'em out of a party."

"Vic, I can't have a party." He heard Rachel almost whine. She sounded like she was starting to panic.

"It wouldn't be here, it'd be at Richard's place. It would just be a few friends." She must've had a panicked expression because her friend quickly added, "It could just be the five of us, no one else. It wouldn't be big, like I said, just us, cake and ice cream, maybe some gifts. It's just Kori's way of showing her friendship. If you really want me to, I can tell her to stop."

"N-no, it'll be okay. As long as it's as simple as you say it'll be."

"It'll be okay. What about Saturday? We could meet up the Grand View. We could eat there first, then go to Richard's." Rachel must have nodded because her friend continued. "Don't worry. It's at Richard's place so no one will bother us. You know I'd never let anything happen to you."

"Yeah, I know, thanks. Tell Kori not to go overboard, to keep things simple. It's not that big of a deal."

"She mostly excited about the decorations. She wants to make it special for you. Knowing Kori, she's probably bought out half a party supply shop."

"Only half the store?" He heard Vic's hearty laugh before he left.

"Well, it looks like I have some planning to do if I want to see her Saturday."

Rachel checked her phone, there was still time. The others weren't late, she was early. They were going to do something for her birthday. Even though she told them she was fine with her birthday forgotten this year, Kori, Gar and Vic insisted that they do something. Not wanting to disappoint them and needing a distraction, Rachel agreed to something small and simple.

At the moment, Rachel sat at an out-of-the-way table in a busy restaurant. Her school books were scattered on the table. She worked on her homework while she waited. With all the drama and stress of the past few months, her grades were slipping. If she was going to get into a good college, AWAY from her father, she'd need to get better grades. Rachel knew others often looked at her strange but she took every opportunity to study.

Rachel checked her phone again. Ten or fifteen minutes was enough time for her to finish this assignment. The background noise of the other patrons talking and utensils clanking wasn't distracting. The sounds were more likely white noise to the studying teen.

As she feverishly wrote in her notebook, a cup of hot steaming liquid was set beside her. "I'm sorry," said Rachel without looking up, "I haven't ordered anything yet. I'm waiting for my friends."

A deep voice said, "Thought you might want to try coffee again, this time with sugar and cream."

The dark-haired teen froze. She knew that voice. Her skin began to prickle. He wasn't there. He couldn't be there. She raised her eyes without moving any other muscle. Please let her be wrong. Please let her be wrong.

An audible gasp escaped from the teen's lips. No. He couldn't be standing there in front of her.

"Hello, Rachel." Her face blanched when she realized he had her cornered. Go away! HE pulled a seat out, causing Rachel to shrink away from him. HE took a seat across from the terrified girl. Why was he sitting down? She didn't want to talk to HIM. She didn't want to be anywhere near HIM.

"I haven't seen you in a while. Hope you are well. Are you adjusting to things?"

"Things?" Rachel's voice was small and thin. What did he mean by things? What he did to her wasn't just something. It was horrifying, violent and repulsive.

"What I mean is, are you adjusting to having a stepmother?"

"Go away or I'll scream," she whispered. Rachel didn't want to whisper. She'd wanted to sound brave and strong but she couldn't find her voice. She was too terrified.

His low laugh could barely be heard. How she hated him. "You'll do no such thing. You don't want to cause a scene. My dear girl, haven't you learned, there's nothing you can do to stop me."

Go away! Go away! Go away!

Rachel's breathing was now shallow. Her eyes wide with fear, scanned the restaurant. Why didn't anyone notice her fear? The fear completely consumed her. Somebody had to sense it. As she scanned the restaurant, Rachel refused to look at HIM. She did not want to see him.

Why had she picked the back corner of the restaurant? Originally, she'd thought she wouldn't be bothered as much. But at the moment, Rachel wanted someone, anyone to come up to the table. With her back to the wall, Rachel felt trapped.

He noticed how frantic she was, that she seemed to be searching for a way out. "Claustrophobic are you? I didn't think you were the type. With how much you stay in your room I would have pegged you as agoraphobic." Ignoring her fear, he continued, "It's probably good that you have Laura in your life. Trigon mentioned something about you going through something."

What! Blue eyes shot to him. Her father told HIM what happened to her? Did her father have any idea that he was talking about THAT to her rapist?

That's when Rachel noticed he wore an eyepatch. She remembered scratching his face but had she hurt him that bad? It wasn't bad enough because he still hurt her.

Slade continued as though nothing was wrong. "Your father mentioned that but I thought we had an agreement. Our secret was supposed to be just between us."

"I-I-I didn't mean to say anything. It, it just came out."

Go away! Go away! Go away! Go away! Go away!

"Well, you might want to be more careful. You wouldn't want to accidentally blurt out any other information. As I understand it, you also told your friends about what happened."

How did he know that? Was he spying on her? Rachel's stomach churned. She didn't want him watching her. She wanted nothing to do with him. "They, um, they knew something was wrong. They wouldn't let up, so I had to tell them."

"You could've made up something but you were a good girl for not mentioning me."

"My father and friends know what happened to me but no one knows that you're the one who did it to me."

"What," a sly grin appeared, "exactly did I DO to you?"

Rachel stared at him in horror and amazement. She hated that grin. She hated everything about him. WHAT did he do to her! He knew what he did to her. He ruined her life. "You raped me," hissed Rachel.

"That's such an ugly word," he scoffed, dismissing her anguish. "As I see it, it wouldn't have happened like that if you weren't so defiant. However, I can see how you'd be confused. It was your first time and I tend to like things rough." He reached out to her.

Rachel pulled away from him. What happened that night wasn't her fault. "Don't blame me. You did it. And it wasn't just bad sex. It was rape. You raped me. I tried to scream no but you wouldn't let me. I tried to fight you off. I …" She stopped. She remembered his words from moments ago: THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP ME. That realization shocked her. "You, you were …you were going to do it anyway. It didn't matter where or when." Rachel visibly trembled, afraid of what he'd do now. Obviously, he wasn't afraid of a crowded restaurant. What if he made her leave with him? She knew he could easily overpower her.

"I'll acknowledge," that grin never left his face as he studied the panic-stricken teen sitting across from him. "I wondered what it'd be like to be with you. I watched you grow to become such an appealing young woman. I used to dream about what your soft skin would feel like." Rachel shuddered. He was sick, disgusting, a grown man interested in a teenaged girl. "Now, I don't have to wonder. Admit it, you dream about our night together. You can't stop thinking about it. You can't hide it. Your face is flushed." His grin broadened. "You're thinking about it right now, aren't you?"

Tears welled up in her eyes, threatening to fall. She hated thinking about that night. She wished she'd never remembered. She hated the memories that attached her. "Just leave me alone."

"Wasn't it fortunate that your father hired me to scare you? If he hadn't, we wouldn't have our special little secret."

Rachel glared at him with fear and contempt. He was lying. Trigon might have hated his daughter but Rachel didn't think he'd put her in that kind of danger.

As if reading her mind, he explained, "You don't think he'd do something like that? You know how your father is. Men like your father, or me for that matter, want, need control. You defied him at every turn. Somehow, you got the authorities involved and he had to regain control. That's why he hired me. Your father could've gotten anyone to scare you, but he knew no one could do it like me."

"You're lying. My father would never do something so monstrous."

"Wouldn't he? Think about it for a moment. He never gave a second thought about beating you. Why would this be any different?"

"Go away. Leave me alone." Deep down, Rachel was afraid HE was right. After all, her father had said that he'd kill her if word of the abuse got out. He didn't directly kill her but he'd destroyed her life.

"You're really upset about this, aren't you?" He just noticed that? "Maybe you shouldn't have told anyone. I'm sure it's hard knowing that some people, especially your father, know that you gave into desires like that."

"No. I didn't give in to anything. I didn't want any of it. I hated everything, every moment." Tears spilled over her lower lashes. "Go away. Leave me alone."

He reached over to wipe away her tears. Rachel couldn't get away from him and flinched at his touch. "Leave me alone."

"I'll consider it. Even though you've told some people, you've been fairly good, so far." Slade leaned forward. Rachel leaned further back in her seat. He seemed threatening. "Don't tell anyone else or say anymore than you already have. And don't think of going to the police. I'd hate for something to happen to one of your friends."

Rachel's fear changed. She wasn't just scared for herself but now she was scared for her friends. Rachel was so terrified that her tears stopped. She was too scared to cry. "Leave them alone. No one knows about you. No one knows about how much of a monster you are."

"Relax." He said that that night, didn't he? "I'm not going near anyone unless I'm given a reason to do so."

Go away! Go away! Go away!

"Go away."

He pushed back his seat. "I can't wait until our next encounter." He walked over and stood beside her. "Next time, things will be more private." He rubbed her arm. Rachel cringed.

"No!" Reacting, she pushed against the table, spilling the now cooled coffee.

"Let me help you, hon." A waitress cleaned up the coffee. Where had she been? Why didn't she show up sooner? "School a little frustrating?" The waitress sighed as she continued to wipe up the spilled coffee. "I was never any good studying. There was always too many distractions. But I admire your focus. I wouldn't be able to work on anything in a noisy restaurant. It probably works for you because you're alone."

But Rachel wasn't alone, at least not the whole time. Still terrified, she scanned the restaurant. There was no sign of him. Other than that coffee, there was no sign that he'd been there. Otherwise, Rachel would've thought she'd imagined the whole horrible thing.

"Hey, Rachel." The teen jumped. She was so focused on what had just happened that she forgot about meeting her friends. She told herself she had to calm down. She couldn't let on that he'd been there.

"Didn't know you drank coffee. Though you liked tea."

"I-I don't drink coffee. I didn't order it."

"Then why do you have it? Are they giving away free samples?"

"No, I …" Rachel stopped. Was he watching her now? Did he have people, like that waitress, spying for him? How was he watching her? She nervously looked around. She couldn't do anything to raise any suspicions. She couldn't risk making him angry. She couldn't risk her friends' safety. "It was a mistake." She tried to smile, "They brought over the cup but I was so into studying, I didn't notice right away. Guess I forgot about it and knocked into it, spilling it. It, it was just a simple mistake. Nothing serious."

"So, did you want to stay here and eat first or did you want to go?"

"Go! Let's go!" The others gave her a questioning look. Rachel's eagerness to leave surprised them. "I'm just tired of sitting here," Rachel tried to explain, "I'm ready to go somewhere else."

As Rachel gathered her things, she nervously glanced around the restaurant. How was he spying on her?

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Rachel rode with Vic while the others went ahead to Richard's place.

Vic glanced over and saw how tense Rachel was. She seemed to be absentmindedly toying with her backpack. But she was thinking about her encounter with Slade. "Don't worry, it'll be okay."

Rachel jumped slightly hearing his voice, "I know, I know. I don't know why I'm so anxious. It's just a simple party, right?"

Vic entered the penthouse first. Outside in the hall, Rachel was lost in her thoughts. What was she going to do? How did he find her? How did he know she'd be at that restaurant? She rarely went there. Was he watching her? Was he following her? She couldn't go home if he was watching the house. Trigon and Laura often weren't home. She couldn't believe home alone if he was watching the house. What was she going to do? Where could she go? What should she do? How safe was she if he could get to her so easily? How could she keep her friends safe? They were starting to convince her that things would be okay if she went to the police. Now she could never do that. Should she run away? Should she try to go to her mom? What should she do? What should …

"Rachel?" Vic called from inside, "We're ready."

Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly, Rachel tried to get ready for her birthday party. Opening the door, Rachel was hit by the sight of tons of decorations. Balloons and streamers of every color were all around the room. There was also a large banner reading HAPPY BIRTHDAY! It looked as though they were standing inside a rainbow. Her friends were excited and smiled broadly. Kori held a cardboard tiara that said birthday girl.

"Happy birthday, Rachel!"

"Welcome to the festivity to celebrate the anniversary of your birth!" said Kori.

She wanted to be excited. She thought she would be excited. Instead, Rachel was overwhelmed by everything. Tears formed. Shaking her head, the belated birthday girl backed away from her friends. "No."

Four smiles disappeared. They never expected that to be Rachel's reaction. "Rachel?"

"I-I'm sorry. I-I can't." Rachel went out the door and pulled it shut.

The four friends looked at one another. What just happened? It wasn't exactly a surprise party. Rachel knew there was going to be a party. They knew better than to spring something like that on her. So what happened? Maybe they shouldn't have had her come in on her own?

Out in the hallway, Rachel berated herself for ruining their party. They were just trying to be nice and she ruined it. No. HE ruined it. HE ruined everything.

"Rachel?" Richard cautiously tried to get his friend's attention. He didn't want to startle her. He didn't have any luck. She still jumped at the sound of his voice. He felt bad for her. "Rachel? What's wrong?"

She shook her head. "I'm sorry, guess I don't like parties."

"It's more than that. I can tell. You seemed excited."

"I thought I'd be excited but …" She turned away from her friend.

"But what? What's wrong? I can tell something's wrong. You were on edge even at the restaurant."

Rachel shook her head again. She couldn't tell him what was wrong.

"Let's go back inside. We don't have to have the party. Maybe you'll be more comfortable sitting down?"

Rachel shrugged and nodded. She hated disappointing her friends. She seemed to be good at that. Following Richard through the door, Rachel saw the other three looking concerned and nervous.

Kori quickly hid the cardboard tiara behind her back. "We are sorry for upsetting you. We only meant to have a celebration and festivities. Our intention was to make you happy. We are very sorry to have not succeeded."

"No, I'm sorry for messing up things. I was excited but …" Could she tell them about HIM, wondered Rachel. Richard's place was safe. HE couldn't get to her here, could he?

"Rachel?"

"I …" If she told them that she saw HIM, he wouldn't have to know. No one there would tell him. She was safe with her friends. But were her friends safe with her?

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Hello?

Is anyone reading this?

It seems that in order to get the much needed, much craved reviews every writer desires, I must to beg for them. Nothing I do seems to get me more than "good job" and "update soon". I suppose I should be happy with that and I am but I only seem to get few of those. Some chapters, I don't even get that. I get views but very few reviews. Do people just glance at my story, get bored and move on?

I want reviews so I can know why someone does or doesn't like this story / chapter. I might have most things planned out but I still want to know suggestions. Who knows, maybe I'll use some of those suggestions? I've done that in the past.

I don't know, maybe I've fooled myself into thinking I'm a good writer. Some have said I've improved as a writer. Maybe I have? Maybe it's this story? Maybe it's wrong? Is it too similar to the original version? Should I have done something completely different? Are you bored with this story? Is it too long? Should I just wrap up things in the next few chapters? Suddenly, everything's okay, nobody has any problems and everyone lives happily ever after. I don't think that would be a very good ending to this story. At least, not yet. But maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive and close to it? I've worked for a long time writing this. When my original version was derailed, I scrambled to write this version. I've neglected my other stories so I could get back to the same place or further with this story. Was it all away waste of time and energy?

I know there are more important things than my silly story. I understand that everyone's busy. I just wish some or most of my chapters would get some real feedback. I don't need every one to be a thousand word review, just something with some substance: "I liked / didn't like _ because …" or "I wish _ would've / didn't happened …" or "I can't believe that …"

*sigh* Sorry for another rant. I can't promise it won't happen again but I'll try not to rant anymore. I will continue to write. Maybe this story is just meant for me? Sometimes, writing is an outlet for my emotions. Sometimes, I get excited writing it. Maybe that should be enough? Anyway, I'll probably finish Musical Expressions Reflected but I might not update right away. Gradually, I will update. Someday, if you're still interested, you'll have some questions answered and learn the satisfying ending.

I'll update when it feels right. Thanks for reading.

-Drea Leigh