{Chapter Thirty-Five: Idiot}

It'd been a close call.

If he'd arrived any later, Leopold would've died.

But it wasn't over. There was still a very good chance the senior soldier would die, along with all the rest of the badly injured and most of them.

Ghoul was sitting away from everyone else, hiding behind a small shack that he guessed was once used for ammunition-storage before the wall was broken through. He was on the outer edge of the wall, knees pulled up to his chest and toes hanging off the edge.

How many people had died thanks to his suggestion? How much had he been thinking when he said that? He couldn't expect them to have the same survival skills as him. They were the sort of people who needed protecting, not driving.

Ghoul settled his chin on his knees, lower face hidden by his arms hugging his legs. The moon was almost at it's peak, a waning gibbous moon watching the lot of them. But he wasn't watching the sky, rather the patch of forest not too far from the wall. Even from up here, he could see the breeze caressing his skin was also gently swiping the leaves back and forth.

"Tempting, huh?"

Theresa had found him, and she sat quietly next to him, dangling her legs over the edge. Ghoul didn't answer.

"... There'll be more Titans in the morning. Perhaps we should circle everyone around to the north and then go on foot from there. I saw some of Zoë's notes that said the brunt of the Titan-concentration was in the south." the amber-blonde suggested.

"Mm."

"Should I tell Erwin that?"

Ghoul shook his head.

"What's wrong?"

The ravenette heaved a sigh, lifting his head to stare at the moon. "I'm an idiot." he said softly.

Theresa made a noise of confusion.

"How many of us died... trying to follow my stupid suggestion...? How many died heading for a fake safety that will be more dangerous to leave with every passing second? How many people's blood do I have staining my hands?" Ghoul shivered, biting his lip and fiddling with his ponytail.

Theresa was quiet for a minute. Looking down, directly down the face of the wall, she replied, "How many more would have died if you hadn't made that suggestion? We were surrounded by flesh-eating monsters that are hard to kill or evade. There was nowhere to go. If we'd just tried to lose them, can you imagine how many we'd have left? Like... You, me, Erwin, Levi, Eren, Leopold, and anyone with an enormous amount of luck. Like Mikasa. Any suggestion was a good suggestion. And hey. Worst come worst, we'll all jump down this side, and you and I will teach them how to be outsiders."

Ghoul lowered his gaze, turning his head to face his friend of five years. She looked up, smiling confidently. It wasn't cheeky or impish, like normal, but it radiated a sureness that comforted Ghoul to some extent. He returned it with a small, timid smile as she put a hand on his elbow.

"So you understand? You're not an idiot?"

He shrugged.

"Whatever. Just don't run off, okay? You look like you're thinking about leaving us. Come sit on the other side, y'know, where we can see you."

"I'm fine."

Understanding that he wanted a bit of time alone, Theresa retreated back to everyone else. This area of the wall was lit up with the lanterns, everyone trying to be cheerful despite the situation. Nobody wanted to think about what they'd do in the morning, but nobody could sleep for the dread of tomorrow coming.

The amber-blonde wove carefully between the groups of soldiers, heading for the cadets. They welcomed her with smiles and questions of how Ghoul was doing.

"I think he's considering running away." she replied as she laid down on her stomach.

"Huh? Why would he do that?" Sasha asked.

"He feels like an idiot for putting us all here, and feels like anyone who died has blood splashed on his hands. He most likely won't, but the way he's just sitting at the edge staring out at the world, he looks like he wants to run away from all this." Theresa reassured.

"... You two could take all of us outside and teach us how to survive." Eren murmured.

Theresa laughed, saying, "That's what I said!"

"Don't give the suicidal maniac ideas, please." Jean said flatly, making the amber-blonde giggle and reach out to smack his thigh.

Across the circle of cadets from Theresa, Mikasa said, "None of this is Ghoul's fault. He shouldn't be beating himself up over it."

Theresa was quiet, watching Mikasa's face carefully. "... Before we even left, Ghoul had a gut feeling something would go wrong. Even ask Reiner and Bertolt. But other than us three, he kept it to himself. I think he feels like he should've told more people, warned them. But at the same time, he felt like no one would believe him, and that's why he kept quiet. He's naturally not optimistic, but if he says something'll go wrong, it's been my experience to listen up. But really, he's clammed up ever since we got him back. He just doesn't talk any more."

"It could be that he was scared. I mean... The MPs couldn't possibly have been angels to him." Connie pointed out.

"Apparently, an incident did happen. Dok said that some of the guards tried to go after him while he was asleep. He didn't tell us about the other thing, but I assume it happened again." Theresa nodded.

"Anyone with his past would become quiet after that." Armin shivered.

"Anyone without his past would be too. It's not exactly a happy thing." Ymir half-growled.

The group fell silent. Theresa's chin rested on her folded arms as she stared gloomily at the lanterns they sat around. Everyone else was sitting up, but they were seriously considering lying down themselves. It was late, and dawn would be coming within the next six hours or so.

"... If you two did take us outside, how well do you think we would survive?" Eren asked.

"Hm. Ditch the gear, learn how to hunt, learn how to sleep with one eye open, find, trade or make weapons for all of you after we lose the gear... I dunno. A lot of it has to do with will and skill, Ghoul says. So... Probably okay. You'd last longer than an MP, anyways!"

It wasn't encouraging, but it wasn't discouraging, either. In a way, it was just... there.

"Theresa!" Erwin called, stirring them from their thoughts. With speed that'd've given any other person whiplash, Theresa sat up to stare in the commander's direction, eyes wide. He beckoned to her, and she scrabbled to her feet and tripped over to him. "Theresa, where's Ghoul?"

The amber-blonde pointed to the shack. "Behind there, moping because he feels like he's doomed us." she said casually.

"Hmm. We are run into a bit of a corner, though..."

"Well," Theresa started before anyone at the commander's circle could say anything, "I know neither option is exactly ideal, but I suggested we could move along the wall up to the north, then move on foot from there— I saw some of Zoë's notes saying that the Titan-concentration is greatest in the south and lowest in the north— or Ghoul and I could lead everyone outside."

Everyone at the circle was quiet.

"You're not serious on that second one, I hope." someone commented after a minute.

"I am. It'd be tricky with such a big group, but take a look down on the outer side of the wall. There's no Titans in sight anywhere on that side. I'm not saying we could teach you to live out there forever, but it'd be a place to recuperate briefly while we worked our way... somewhere. Wherever we're going next."

Again, everyone fell quiet, and Erwin gave Theresa's shoulder a gentle pat. She nodded, understanding that she was dismissed. Standing about halfway to the cadets' circle, she paused and looked at the storage-shack. Swaying back and forth on her heels, she bit her lip indecisively.

Making up her mind, the amber-blonde jogged lightly around her peers and back to the shack. But the soft smile on her face melted away as she swung around the corner.

Ghoul was gone.