An experiment- I have tried to cut out all of his swear words! Hope it still makes sense. He tends to stretch a word's use to cover nouns, verbs, adjectives…
yeah you –ing murderer of –ing free –ing speech!
Dear journal,
! I'm in prison again! I'll tell you the story.
Ok if you hadn't figured it out by now, I confess it was me that killed Mabel. I know you agree that Aragorn absolutely deserved it. I suppose Mabel did too, for associating with LOSERS such as Aragorn. Even so, I feel slightly bad about it. I mean, I'm not dumb, so how did I forget that fish can't breathe air like I can?
I guess I was just upset at the time. The problem is nobody's ever going to believe me when I tell them I didn't actually mean to kill the bloody fish. That's cos nobody trusts me even though I'm cuddly and loveable and honest. I mean, it would have been cool to chop its head off but that's kind of disgusting. I mean, I'm not some kind of sicko. So I thought it would be kind of funny for it to be all flapping around and swim under his pillow, but apparently it was all limp and clammy and dead. I mean she.
The funeral was yesterday. I had to attend. I'm still living at Aragorn's house. it is getting difficult to pretend to be sympathetic and interested. I mean for 'S SAKE! HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU HAVE TO SPEND ON ONE BLOODY GOLDFISH! I don't care about its tail feathers or whatever, it looks like a goldfish to me. I'm here on sufferance; I have to be very good. No more loud Nirvana at three in the morning. I'm only here 'cos they think I'm troubled and Arwen's mother feels guilty for breaking my nose. I think the new shape is more manly. Anyway, I'm an elf, I'll heal.
The real shock was when I next saw Arwen alone and I was expecting her to be impressed with my fish trick. I mean, she's got a good sense of humour on her that girl (that's not the only good thing she's got on her) and I thought she'd be pleased that I'd, erm, removed the only competition for Aragorn's devotion. But no. Oh no. it was all, 'how could you do that to poor Aragorn? You must be a very disturbed young elf'. Voice sweet as saccharine and dripping with poison to choke me.
She's got her mother's evilness and temper, but she hides it well. 'You must feel so brave and manly, taking on something so threatening, I bet it made you feel so much better, doing so constructive.'
But sarcasm I can live with. I'm just glad she didn't hit me.
Her reaction was disappointing. We made out anyway. She can't resist my charm. That's how I know I really am attractive. Mostly its guy's twenty dollar notes that Arwen can't resist.
I'M TURNING EIGHTEEN IN EXACTLY THREE MONTHS! Or is it seventeen?
Anyway, me and Arwen weren't talking to each other (even though speech would have been impossible anyway) and later, over dinner, Aragorn goes, 'where did you get those bruises, Leggy?'
(Leggy .I ask you. He deserves all bad things
Me: oh, um…. school
Aragorn then said: really? That's strange. Arwen said you got them from mum, and to ask you why.
(Mum? Yuk, it's practically incest, except Aragorn is so cluelessly gentlemanlike)
Everyone's carefully not telling Aragorn who accidentally killed his fish. The theory is he trusts me and they don't want to disillusion the poor little orphan about life anymore. He's close to the edge. Whatever. I've survived more suicide attempts than school dinners (and the two are closely related). Aragorn's only problem is that he's not getting anyway. And seeing as he lives with Arwen 'two minutes' Evenstar, that really is a serious problem…. halitosis?
One thing lead to another. until, as you do, I found myself jumping on the table, one foot accidentally sending Arwen's mother's horrible nut roast onto the floor (ew that's the only vegetarian meal she knows how to cook and it tastes of sawdust and it's impossible to wash up) throwing a fork at Aragorn, and screaming ARWEN DOES IT FOR FREE! (hoping he wouldn't ask me for details on what she does for free, though I'm sure I'll work it out, given time), so he chucked his chair at me, quite losing control (which it's easy to make humans do) and incidentally also shocking Arwen's parents considerably (Aragorn is only Head-Prefect-Tropical-Fish-Breeding-Orphan-boy to them, they haven't seen him take orcs apart (or play rugby against St Cuthbert's) or they'd be less surprised at his accuracy at throwing furniture.)
Then I remembered that bar fight we won with a table against three St Cuthbert's boys who were also underage in the Farmer's Arms one Saturday, and thought, I'd better not lose to a mortal. So in pure self defence, I retaliated by chucking a handful of nut roast at him. It hit him in the face, and he screamed 'my eyes… they're burning…' which was quite funny 'cos it was lukewarm, and Arwen's mum got insulted and started yelling at Aragorn instead of both of us. Elrond was going: 'now, please, you two, this is really disappointing behaviour…' so I started laughing and Aragorn quite unfairly punched me while I was distracted, god it hurt, right on the nose, which I can only assume broke again as its now back to it's original shape. So of course I hit him straight back, and then Arwen's mother grabbed me by the ear (fucking PAINFUL) and him by the hair, and had us both out on to the street. We kept going, but I can't remember the details.
The last bit I remember is that we got picked up by the police, for being drunk and disorderly, about three blocks away, half an hour or so later. I was almost glad to see them. I mean, I really wouldn't even wanna contemplate losing to a mortal, but he's so much tougher than I am.
They're like: 'Bloody hell, stupid teenagers. ALRIGHT YOU TWO! HOP IN! YOU'RE GOING DOWN TO THE STATION!'
Me: again? (Aragorn is utterly horrified, oh what have I done, oh the shame on my adoptive parents who have been so good to me, etc etc, but at the time he was too drunk on fighting-ness to even stop hitting me).
Policeman 1: oh bloody hell it's that mad elf kid, remember to take his shoelaces.
other policeman: maybe he should go to hospital first, looks like he's got a broken nose.
Me; (a bit shrieky) WHAT? The hospital? But I'm too pretty to go to hospital!
They sniggered, and one of them was like, pretty? Son, you look like your face had a fight with a bulldozer and lost.
Me: RIGHT! AND THERE'S THE BULLDOZER! I remember thinking this was incredibly funny at the time. Aragorn took another swing at me, missed and fell over. They chucked him in the back of the police van. I stood there laughing hysterically, blood running down my face, then one of the policemen showed me a mirror and I fainted.
AND THE TWO FACTS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH EACH OTHER!
Yours in high security, ok at least middling security,
Legolas (convicted criminal and fighter extraordinaire)
PS: oh god we are in the same cell. Cannot live with this, Aragorn is in depths of guilt. Banging head against the wall. Was all set to write on scraps of toilet paper and smuggle it out but no, they just gave me my journal and said I posed no threat, except to Aragorn and myself, neither of whom they cared about. Insulted. Also incredibly boring and claustrophobic with Aragorn- hope I don't have to spend time with him when we're older. Cannot trust him. Or more accurately, he cannot trust me. A compliment.
PPS strangely, do feel more kindly disposed towards him now though. Wanker that he is.
surviving suicide attempts. Kinds of defeats the purpose. Hmmm. Maybe I'm doing something wrong? Is it down the road or across the street?