Chapter 35: Dantooine: Tell All the Truth but Tell it slant….

~Phoenix~

I proceeded to walked to the council chamber to see Master Zhar.

You can't have both, Phoenix, I warned you. Yet, you kissed Bastila and you made love with Carth. You will lose both of them if you do not choose.

I sighed, apparently my dark voice had returned again in full force, and I muttered to myself, what do you know? You're just some disembodied voice that doesn't even know who or what you are. And what do you know of love?

I am a part of you so I know you. I may not know who I am, but I know you. As for love…

The voice paused a moment and there was a light chuckle in the voice. You have had a really bad habit of going for messy romances in your past.

I frowned. Wait a minute, you said you didn't know who you are and you say past. I snorted, are you lying to me?

The voice laughed. Ahh you are learning. What is truth? What are lies? In the end does it matter? I am a part of you, so if I am lying, you are only lying to yourself.

I snorted, cryptic. I hate cryptic, you sound like one of the masters.

Perhaps you are a master of the Force, Phoenix and you do not know it.

WHAT? Who are you?

As I said, I am a voice that will not be denied and I am a part of you.

I muttered to myself, you're giving me a blinking headache.

The voice laughed, that means your mind is working. As for love…you had a choice in the past.

So you know me, what choice did I make before?

The voice sighed; you wish to know….very well. Although you may not like the answer you hear.

Stop evading me, tell me….

Your heart was cold, you thought of love merely as a means to an end. Love was a shrewd way to bind you to alliances and power. And that is not love, Phoenix.

What alliances? What power? This sounded like a bunch of bantha poodoo. A lie, it had to be a lie. The voice admitted that it could be untruthful. My last love was Sorran Naberrie, my third cousin. He's still on Naboo, last I checked. We broke up. He did not approve of my smuggling life. He wanted me to settle down, wanted me to rebuild my life with him. I couldn't do it. My heart was restless and I ached from the death of my family.

The voice laughed. Sorran, oh dear old Sorran Naberrie, another broken heart. At least you are consistent when it comes to breaking and twisting hearts to your will. You made a choice. You chose to be a smuggler. And that is not love either. Amusing that you think I am lying, Phoenix Star. Have you considered the fact that I may be telling you the truth? But then again you may be right, I maybe lying...

The voice laughed before disappearing altogether and said mockingly, Tell all the truth but tell it slant….The truth must dazzle gradually or every man be blind….

I felt sick and my head was throbbing, this damn voice wasn't helping. It was just as bad as my bond with Bastila. I should have figured the voice was lying; it was after all of the Dark side. Forget the council. I felt like my head was going to split open. I managed to make it to the med section in the Enclave.

"Ahh…..apprentice….you do not look well."

I looked at Master Jax. "Please Master Jax, my head. It hurts."

She frowned. "I heard you had your trials given to you."

I nodded and she said calmly, "Did you complete them?"

I nodded and she said. "It sounds like you have over extended yourself, perhaps a bit of over excitement over the fact that you are now a Padawan. It happens. Lay down and I will help you."

I lay down on the bed and the healing master looked at her scans from my bed. She frowned at me, "Hmm…"

I frowned. "What?"

"Oh nothing….just a bit of a deviation from your last medical scan. The pleasure and emotional centers of your brain seem to be over stimulated, quite highly actually. One could think…you've been on stims."

I looked skyward and gave a long sigh. "Ummm….that could be because…."

"Because of what padawan…."

I wondered how much I should say. "I….well….there's this Republic pilot….and..."

Jula chuckled at my words. "Ahh….I see….padawan, that would explain much for the levels of brain activity I see. They seem quite all over the place"

I turned a deep shade of burgundy red and Master Jax laughed. "Your secret is safe with me, padawan. You're not the only Jedi to have sought out company and companionship in a soldier's bed."

I suddenly glared at her. "Carth is not some ordinary soldier….Master Jax."

She bowed her head. "Forgive me, I did not mean disrespect. Perhaps I should have been more tactful. What I meant to say is you're not the only Jedi to have a relationship. There was Nomi and Ulic, and that was a tragic tale of love. It is probably why the Jedi are not into relationships because relationships plagued those two members of the Order, but love shouldn't be feared, padawan." She paused and she said quietly. "But do not let the other Masters especially the council know I've said that." She sighed. "I too have loved and lost…."

I looked at Master Jax. "Really?"

Master Jax nodded. "I lost my husband during the war with Exar Kun. He chose Exar, over the Order and even over me. There is no love on the Dark Side, padawan. If such a thing exists, it is a mockery of what once was held dear. The pain love causes can hurt, but if I had to do it all over again padawan, I would do it once more. I am an old matronly woman now, and many of the padawans and knights no longer hold much respect for me, because of my past. I live a quiet life and spend most of my time here in this little corner of the Enclave."

She sighed and then pulled a packet of herbs and quietly mixed them with hot water in a cup. She smiled softly and a few minutes later she handed me the tea, "Here child, drink this. This will ease your headache."

I nodded and slowly drunk the tea.

"Master Jax….may I ask you a question?"

She nodded. "You may ask."

"Why did you stare at me that first day?"

"I told you the Force is strong with you. You remind me of so many Jedi I've seen in the past."

"Did you know Revan and Malak like the other masters here?"

Jax sighed. "Yes, I knew of them. They were friends. Some say more than friends. Hard to tell with those two, especially Revan. I think Malak wanted more than friendship, yet Revan rejected him for someone else."

I frowned. "Who?"

Master Jax shook her head. "I believe you heard the name before, padawan."

I frowned. "I have?"

"Yes, padawan….Liam Mandrel, the Jedi who was exiled for following Revan."

"So Revan chose another Jedi over her friend, Malak…."

I cringed a bit, my head was throbbing. "Master how does one refuse….well like Revan did with Malak?"

"Easy….you say no."

"And if they still insist."

"Well…..you find a stronger way to say no."

I finished the tea and handed Master Jax the cup and then I muttered. "I bet Revan didn't have to deal with a damn Force bond, driving them crazy."

"Ahh Force bonds. You obviously speak of the bond you have with Padawan Shan, don't you?"

I nodded.

Master Jax smiled softly. "There is a way to keep a bond from driving you padawan."

"How?"

"Pazaak."

"What? I don't understand."

"I do not speak of the game, it is the cards themselves. You can block out many things by thinking of other things. It is just that your focus must be fully concentrated on it. You have a pazaak deck, do you not?"

I chuckled. "Of course."

"Then use it. Count the cards. Other things work as well, padawan. Count ticks in the hyperdrive, list things in your mind, I am sure this will help you."

My headache was finally gone. "Thank you, Master Jax. You conversation has been very helpful."

She smiled softly. "Of course, padawan. Oh one more thing, please do not mention my conversation with Padawan Shan. For some odd reason, she does not like me very much. As I said, the knights and padawans have little respect for me anymore because of my past. I chose love and as you see I have not fallen. Perhaps I am a bit too shadowy and gray for their liking. They would rather a Jedi fit into a nice little hole of conformity. I do not and I am an anomaly. Yet, I am a good healer. The council and Order needed me during the war with Exar Kun and they need me for this war as well. So many wounded Jedi and my skills are not without a price. I feel pain and suffering on a daily basis. Healing deals with empathy. Empathy is close to compassion, which is close to love."

Jax gave a long sigh. "Anyway you don't wish to hear the stories of an old healer woman. Go on….get out of here padawan. Try not to see me again so soon. It is better to keep in good health than to find yourself here."

I nodded and left the healer and her section of the Enclave. I sighed at least she gave me some ideas on how to keep Bastila out of my mind and perhaps resist the influence of the bond she had with me. I decided to try it. I pulled out my pazaak deck and began counting the cards. The card drawn is 10 the next card drawn is 5 equals 15. The next card drawn is 6. That's too high as the total is now 21, a minus 1 card from my side deck and the total is 20 that is pazaak. New card drawn…the card drawn is 2….

~o0o~

Master Zhar smiled at me. "So you have completed your trial and redeemed Juhani from the grove. Congratulations….appren….no I should say Padawan. You are now officially a member of the Jedi."

"Master….do I have a knight to guide me? My readings of the Order state that I usually have a master or a knight assigned to train me."

Zhar sighed. "The numbers in our Order are sadly….dwindling, Padwawn. What knights we have are stretched to breaking across the galaxy and there are so few masters. I have finished guiding you padawan that now I must train another. This takes time. We now sadly must resort to having older more experienced padawans teach other padawans. You will be assigned to Bastila, Padawan. She will be a good example to you."

I cringed a bit.

"Oh you do not agree."

I sighed. "Master I mean no offense but we are too clos…."

Zhar interrupted me. "Your Force bond is the reason for this, padawan."

I frowned, I felt like I was being fostered upon Bastila whether I liked it or not. I sighed. "I understand….then the decision who I am assigned to is not mine."

"You and Bastila share a special link. You cannot deny this, padawan. She is the one the Force has ordained to you. The council feels that together you will accomplish much against Darth Malak."

I shook my head. "I see…."

Zhar then said. "Come Padawan….let us dress you the robes of a Jedi and not the robes of an apprentice and there is the matter of your padawan braid. It is a solemn ceremony. If we were in times of peace….we would have more of a long drawn out ceremony, as it is...the ceremony has been curtailed to one of necessity."

My eyes brightened. "Master Zhar….may my friends join me in this ceremony of necessity."

He nodded. "It is good to have the support of others around you, so yes….they may come."

~Mission~

This was big. I couldn't believe it; one of my best friends was going to be officially a member of the Jedi Order. I wished I had something better to wear than the Echani armor that Nix passed onto me. She basically stated that because she was going to be Jedi, she could no longer wear the armor. She polished it up till it gleamed. After Taris, Nix was the closest thing I had to….well to a mother, nah…not a mother. She was way, way too lax to be like a mother. More like an older sister. Shoot, I was glad I got Carth and her together. Those two deserved to be with each other, even though they could use a good room.

The Hawk was way too small not to know everybody's business. I didn't even want to think what was going on with the Ebon Hawk cockpit door locked earlier. I hadn't meant to umm…pry I just…well…I wanted to congratulate Nix on finishing her trials. I went up to the cockpit and…it was locked good and tight. I thought about slicing the door open because no one keeps Mission Vao out. However, Zaalbar pushed me away from the cockpit area and said that humans in a mating ritual shouldn't be bothered. How the heck would he know a mating ritual was going on? Course, wookiees have a really good sense of smell….maybe…nah…that's disgusting.

I even got Zaalbar to take a bath in the refresher. Yea, no kidding, because getting a wookiee to do that sort of thing, a sun might as well go nova. Yet, despite all his protests and moans about how wookiees don't take baths, and don't dye or brush their fur. I managed to convince him to do it for Nix.

"Big Z….let's get going. I know Nix is waiting for us. This is a big moment in her life and we don't want to miss it."

I also motioned for T3 to come along with us, sure he was a part of this crew just as much as anyone. The droid beeped in a joyful exclamation and rolled forward.

~T3-M4~

I rolled over to the Hawk's central nets and plugged in…

Accessing….Look up human mating rituals. Human reproduction in conjunction with human behavior.

All the organics on the Ebon Hawk were talking about this from Phoenix and Carth. Confused? What is this thing that Phoenix was taking part with Carth?

The nets gave me a mountain of information, some of it was what organic based lifeforms would call pornography. I beeped a rather confused query and kept searching process of reproduction, Carth and Phoenix were going to have smaller units, well that is what the nets said. How long did that take? I did another scan on the nets. Nine standard sub-cycles. I beeped joyously at this news. Finally there would be smaller units that would be smaller than me. I would no longer be the smallest lifeform unit on this ship.

I beeped away pleased at my discovery when Mission asked me to come with them. I beeped a query as to why?

When I didn't roll along with her she paused. "Nix is becoming a Padawan, T3. You're part of the crew here too. So come on let's get to the Jedi Enclave."

Nix? Oh….that was what Mission titled Phoenix. I beeped affirmatively and rolled along with Mission.

Phoenix, a Jedi, a padawan? That was a new development. I wasn't sure how this would change things around the Hawk. Yet, the human female Bastila and now Phoenix seemed to put a great amount of concern on it, therefore this was important.

~ Canderous ~

I didn't really want to go, but I had been invited by Phoenix. The girl deserved respect. There was something about her that didn't strike me as Jedi. She was a strong capable girl that had a warrior's gleam in her eyes. I couldn't put my finger on it but what I did know was that I had to follow her. Whatever path lay with her and the Jedi it was worthy of my focus and my skills. I couldn't ignore an invitation to some mystical Jedi ceremony. Phoenix would have been insulted if I didn't come. Plus, I knew this girl would be no ordinary Jedi. Heh….I heard her and that damn Republic pilot moaning, groaning, and rooting around like a couple of kath hounds in heat. Course I wasn't surprised that everyone else had found about it as well. The Hawk was a small ship. It would be hard to hide anything like that. I laughed as the wookiee, shooed the blue twi'lek away from the cockpit area.

Phoenix was definitely not your normal Jedi. That had to be a plus as far as I was concerned. She was a lot better than that damn Jedi princess Bastila. How in Concord Dawn did those two get thrown together? They were like fire and water. Phoenix tried to defer herself to Bastila. I could tell Phoenix struggled and chaffed at Bastila's will. I had a feeling one of these days, one of them would dominate the other. My bet was on Phoenix. Her personality, her strength of will was far stronger than miss prissy Jedi Princess Bastila.

I had to admit Phoenix had a strange sense of nobility about her. She decreed that her fight with Sherruk was not honorable combat. Maybe she was right. She had a stubborn way of butting in and finding fault with Mandalorian ways, scolding them and condemning them. Any proper Mandalorian would probably try and kill her for her chastisement by saying she was an outsider and knew no better. However, I didn't want to admit it but she was right in many respects. How could the Mando'ade be reorganized if all of its warriors insisted in combat to the death or requested to be killed for failure? Maybe Phoenix Star had the right idea. It was time to consider her ideas a bit more carefully for the sake of survival.

I polished up my armor and made sure my hair was properly combed I proceeded to the Enclave. I ran into Carth as he walked to the Enclave as well. I poked him a bit in the side. "Nice going, Republic. Congratulations on your conquest of a fine woman."

He nearly paled. "Does everyone know suddenly about me and Phoenix? I ran into Mission and she just grinned at me and Zaalbar patted me on the back like I am some sort of mighty wookiee hunter."

I laughed. "Carth it's a small ship. It's kind of hard to hide the fact that you two made enough noise to be like a couple of kath hounds in heat. If you want to hide the fact that you two are making love, you really need to find a better place to do it. "

Carth sighed. "I'll keep that in mind, Canderous."

~Carth~

Did everyone know me and Phoenix's business? I felt rather embarrassed that everyone knew that Phoenix and I had made love to each other. Although in all honesty Canderous was right. The Ebon Hawk was a small ship and it was sort of hard to hide things from others on that ship. I needed to talk to Phoenix about this, how were we going to have a relationship if it seemed that everyone knew exactly when we were sleeping with each other? This could be a definite problem, particularly with Bastila around. Bastila seemed to take no small pleasure in bugging Phoenix about her and me. I seriously needed to talk to Bastila and tell her in no uncertain terms that Phoenix and I were going to pursue a relationship whether she liked it or not.

We entered the council chambers, the smell of incense wafted through the area. Standing in the middle of the room was Phoenix as well as Bastila. Upon seeing me, she winked at me and then focused her attention on the Masters.

~Phoenix~

I stood in the middle of the council hall, dressed in the brown robes of a Jedi. Master Vandar spoke calmly. "Kneel down on the floor Apprentice Phoenix Star…."

I knelt calmly on the floor. "Today we welcome a new padawan into our Order. Normally, the padawan would have a knight or master take her for training. However….these are difficult times and the Order does not have enough knights or masters for Apprentice Star to have a master or a knight take her on for training. Instead, we assign Padawan Bastila Shan to guide her friend and fellow padawan in the Order, to strength her and help her in the ways of the Force."

"Padawan Bastila Shan, do you accept this responsibility in watching and guiding your friend and fellow Padwan in the Order?"

"I do Master Vandar…."

"Apprentice Phoenix Star, Padawan Bastila Shan has willing accepted you as a friend and fellow padawan into the Order. She promises to help you understand the ways of the Force and to train you in what she knows. Do you promise to uphold the Jedi code, honor and respect what teachings and guidance Padawan Bastila Shan can give you and respect the teachings she can give you?"

I nodded. "I do Master Vandar…."

Vandar nodded. "Bastila….please braid Phoenix's hair into the padawan's braid."

Bastila nodded and I watched as she went to the side of my hair and carefully began to braid one particular area of my hair into a padawan's braid.

"Apprentice Phoenix Star, the padawan braid represents your connection to the Force, to the Order and your own standing among the Jedi. The day you become a knight, your braid will be cut and you will stand among the Order as a knight."

Bastila finished doing the braid and Master Vandar spoke. "Both of you should remember that this is an experience of growth, and should teach you both."

Master Vandar came over and placed his clawed hand on my shoulder. "Padawan Phoenix Star, rise, you have taken your first steps into a larger world."

I arose and took a deep sigh; this was a lot to take in, I felt a deep sense of responsibility. I lightly fingered the new braid that now seemed to connect me to the Order and to the Jedi.

My friends smiled and Mission came over and hugged me. "Congratulations Nix…errr Padawan Nix."

I laughed lightly. "Padawan Nix….umm….Mission you really ought to call me Phoenix. You know what Padawan Nix sounds like…."

Mission shook her head. "No…but I have got a feeling you're going to tell me."

I grinned. "It sounds like I've been washed out. Geeze…Mission, talk about cursing me before I even start my first assignment as a Jedi."

Mission sighed. "Okay…okay…I don't want to jinx ya Nix. So if I call you Padawan, I'll call you Padawan Phoenix or better yet….maybe PP."

I groaned. "Never mind….I think I can live with Padawan Nix. PP is a horrible alternative that sounds even worse."

Mission chuckled. "Gotcha there didn't I?"

A/N All thanks goes to Emily Dickenson for the title for this….perhaps Emily was part Sith Lord or at least the fact that her poem fits perfectly into this plotline about lies and deception. Plus it honestly sounds like something Revan would say.

I also hadn't considered making Revan's other past love interest the Jedi Exile till I remembered my Chapter 28 chapter that Phoenix responds in a manner that makes her remember the exile and Bastila's response about Master Jax taking an incredible risk mentioning the Jedi Exile. I started writing and I remembered that and it just sort of clicked as to why Phoenix responded the way she did in that chapter.