Chapter Thity Four: Freezer
Disclaimer: I do not own Shaman King, Warcraft, Naruto, nor the Naruto fans.
Secondly, the name of the chapter will have nothing in common with the content whatsoever. I just didn't have any good ideas for the name.
- And now the news! Yesterday, the blond man who married a lizard was arrested after the police discovered eighty gigabytes of child and animal porn on his computer. It appears that the man has been collecting pictures of boys of the age between 12 and 14 and selling them at ridiculously high prices. The man was also found to be a former pedophile, the perpetrator or the hideous crimes three years ago with the little French girl and her older brother in New York, as well as the thief who stole a crocodile and two monkeys from a New York zoo only months after his act of pedophilia. The case is going to begin next week and I certainly hope that the man is found guilty for his crimes and sentences for life…
Silver switched the TV off. Hao, Machi, Ashil and Peyote were standing behind the Priest, utterly dumbfounded.
- See what happens when you keep shit like that on your computer? – He asked angrily. – I told him to erase all that shit, but he just didn't listen!!
Hao raised a questioning hand.
- Ugh… how is any of this connected to bringing Yoh back?
- It isn't. – Silver shrugged with a smile. – But now we'll have to get on with the more serious things. Here you stand and ask me how to get your twin brother back to this Universe, right?
Hao nodded.
- It's actually very simple. All you have to do is this: Gather eight shamans with Furyoku amounts greater than 45,508, but less than 81,277…
EIGHT HOURS LATER
- …and then you skin the cat, blow the dog whistle, feed the macaroni to the giraffe and slap your hands six times, all at the same time, and there you have it: a portal will open right in front of you that will lead you straight to where your brother is!
Silver expected an applause or something, but there was only silence. Probably because the four shamans in front of him were dazed off to some different dimension of their minds. Hao was the first one to snap back.
- Ugh… yeah… right, of course. But is the boiled egg and the decapitated Naruto fan really necessary?
- Of course! – Silva was shocked. – How do you expect to open a portal without spilling the blood of a Naruto fan!?
- Well… I don't know... Nah, whatever, you're the specialist here. – Hao forced a smile on his face after listening to Silver's gibberish. Of course, Ashil was the only one who doubted the awesomeness of Silver's portal summoning abilities. He murmured:
- I can't possibly imagine how an insane plan like this will get Yoh back!
- You have to believe! – Silver raised a finger majestically. – Belief will do anything!
- Yeah, right… - The boy murmured gloomily.
- So you guarantee that this will open a portal that will send us to the dimension where Yoh is? – Peyote inquired.
- Absolutely! – The Patch Priest answered.
- …I used to believe that my girlfriend would have sex with me every day, but I was dead wrong… - Ashil was murmuring under his nose, but no one was paying attention to him.
- Your hearts must be resolute in order to fulfill this task! – Silver continued dramatically.
- …And what do I get? Nothing. All she does is complain about shit…
- However, you must all prove your resolution to me, before beginning your mission!
- …Yeah, I believed it, alright, and what did I get for believing? A foot up my ass. Literally… To think about it, is there actually any reason for me to live?...
- You must leave all of your belongings here.
- …I don't have any fans to support me… My Oversoul sucks and I actually suck at everything I do… I didn't even exist in the God-damn manga… I was supposed to be a filler character for the crappy anime who would get killed by the fuckin X-Laws and then be completely forgotten… damnit, why does the whole world hate me?...
- You must leave your money, your valuables, your weapons, even all of your clothes here, and then dance in a circle and yell 'Ha-Uuuh-Haaaah Majutaaaah' thirty times. Only this way you can prove your resolution in fulfilling your quest!
- ...Just believing does shit. Actions are important… - Ashil suddenly snapped back and screamed: - SAY WHAT?!
- SAY WHAT!? – Hao and the rest screamed as well.
- Why are you so flabbergasted about hearing my conditions? – Silver inquired seriously. – It is the only way, I tell you!
Hao and his underlings scowled at Silver. Their suspicion grew with every second listening to him. First of all, why was he helping them? Wasn't he Yoh's cousin and a Hao-hater? Weren't the Patch allied against Hao and determined to hinder him in every thing he tried to achieve? And didn't that guy run away from Patch several chapters before, while screaming like a little girl? How did he come back? Was TheArchon really that demented to continue writing this story and changing the time-continuum. Did he enjoy distorting the universe so much!? Furthermore, Silver's plan already seemed too crazy and now this 'resolution proof' just went too far.
- Ashil, Peyote, Machi, get him. – Hao ordered his minions calmly. His underlings lunged at the Priest, beat the crap out of him and tied him to a pole. The Asakura left the whimpering Patch behind and ordered his minions to move.
- Where are we going now, Hao-sama? – Machi asked.
- To Patch library, of course. – Hao answered impartially. – This is where all of the information of this village is stored. There we should find a way to get my brother back.
They entered the library and were not surprised to find it empty. They walked around the corridors and looked at the shelves.
- What are we looking for exactly, Hao-sama? – Machi inquired while looking through one of the lower rows of a shelf.
- 'Time and Dimensions Travels' – Hao answered and started looking through the shelves himself. Five minutes later he left this shelf and looked at his minions. Ashil was looking for the book, murmuring under his nose again, and Peyote was busy reading a magazine. Hao glared at his idle minion. He got even angrier when he noticed that Peyote was reading a Playboy.
- Peyote! – Hao roared and snatched the magazine out of the Mexican's hands. – The hell are you doing!? Didn't I tell you to look for the damn book!?
- I was, Hao-sama, I really was, I swear! – The Spanish justified himself and waved his hands. – I saw this magazine and I thought it was suspicious-looking, so I took it and…
- Shut up. – Hao ordered. – I do not want to listen to your lame excuses anymore.
He leafed through the pages, then stopped in the middle of the Playboy and burbled out with a nose-bleed:
- Boobies…
Just as Machi was about to scold her master, a page from an old book fell from the Playboy. Hao closed the magazine and looked at the page. He picked it up and read it carefully.
- What is it, Hao-sama? – Ashil muttered and got closer to him.
Hao's eyes widened in amazement and astonishment.
- This is it! The information we've been looking for! – He exclaimed excitedly.
- What!? Just one page!? – Machi babbled out in surprise.
- It's the page we need! Here it is described how to open a dimensional portal! It's right here…
He read it.
After that he lowered the page.
There was no expression on his face.
He raised the page in front of his face and read the content again.
He lowered his hand and dropped the page.
Then he screeched in anger, fell on the floor and started pounding it with his fists. Ashil picked the page up and read it. His face twisted in shock and bafflement.
- What the hell!? – He exclaimed while Hao was making holes on the floor. – Those are the same requirements that idiot Silver told us about!
Peyote's jaw hit the floor.
Minutes later, they were out of the library and heading back to the Patch Priest. They untied him, sincerely apologized to him and begged for his forgiveness.
- Just don't ever doubt my word! – He stated gloomily. The Priest removed a hair from his face and exclaimed:
- Let us begin!
In the meantime, in a distant dimension far away from here, Yoh, Tamao and Faust were running for their lives from a tribe of hungry trolls.
- Faust! – Yoh yelled. – What the hell is this place!?
- Our new home! – He gabbled out happily.
Yoh and Tamao burst out in tears.
And in another place, Anna, the Ice Queen Bitch of Hell, was planning her return.
And so was Timmy…
From the Author: Mwahahahhah… Prepare… Timmy returns! Review after reading, please!