Acknowledgements: Characters belong to Himaruya Hidekaz and not me. Only the plots are mine (such as they are).
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A day in the Life
Chapter 36 - Once Upon a Time…Part II
"Oh God… boring old Austria," Poland muttered.
"Is anybody going to help me with my luggage?" Austria called. He looked around.
Latvia was stood staring at him, her mouth in a big 'o'.
"Well?" he asked her.
"Probably not."
"Well, this isn't very good service."
"You're not at the Hilton," Poland told him, emerging from the kitchen.
"Why are you here?"
"Why not?"
"Well…" Clearly Austria didn't know what to say to this.
"Your suitcases look older than you," Poland pointed out.
They did.
"My valise belonged to Emperor Ferdinand!"
"He was an old fart as well," Poland said with his hands on his hips.
Latvia had still not said anything, she just gazed at Austria wide-eyed.
"Is anybody going to take my luggage to my room?" Austria repeated, glaring at Poland. "And where is my host to welcome me?"
"Mr Russia has gone for his afternoon nap," Lithuania explained, picking up the luggage.
"It's 11 am!"
"Yes," Lithuania nodded.
Lithuania led Austria upstairs to the room they had just decorated. Paint dripped on Austria's head. It smeared his glasses. He frowned. "Too bright!" he said, looking at the white paint.
Lithuania sighed and led him to the spare room next door to Russia's. "Too noisy!" Austria exclaimed as they heard Russia's snoring - which sounded like a chainsaw.
Lithuania led him to another room, at the back of the house. It was dark, dingy. There were cobwebs on the ceiling. "This is just right!" Austria declared and almost smiled.
He opened the wardrobe and Lithuania slammed it shut quickly.
"What's wrong? Can I hang my clothes?"
"Nothing! We er… we don't hang clothes in this house… In Soviet Russia we don't hang clothes!" Lithuania said quickly. And began tapdancing to distract from the sounds of Hell coming from the wardrobe.
"You're very peculiar, Lithuania."
"Isn't that the gateway to Hell?" Latvia blurted out as she came in.
"What?" Austria frowned.
"It's the new radio station in Leningrad. A subversive radio station. Set up by er…" Lithuania struggled to think. He was not a natural liar.
"Subversives," Latvia added for him.
"Yes." Lithuania almost fainted with relief when the sound of the Bee Gees dissipated. "Perhaps you'd be better off across the hallway. It's next to the bathroom."
"You only have one bathroom?" Austria looked appalled.
"With a lock!" Latvia added.
"What are you? Cave people?"
"How many bathrooms do you have?" Latvia asked, agog.
"I've never counted!" Austria replied airily.
"He's too rich to count them," Estonia muttered to her.
"Sixteen," Poland answered, coming into the room, grimacing at the dark wallpaper. He was still carrying his cocktail - which had a rude name.
"How do you know?" Latvia asked.
"I lived with him for a bit."
"He didn't 'live' with me," Austria told her. "He just lived with me."
"It's the same thing, honey." Poland told him and winked at Latvia.
"It absolutely is not."
"Anyway, this house is creepy as hell so it'll suit you," Poland said.
Austria ignored him, "Well can I have some privacy please so I can change?"
"Change into Hungary? She's way more fun!" Poland said bitchily but was turfed out by Lithuania.
"Out, Pol! And you Latvia!" Lithuania said, dragging her with him.
"But he's so dreamy!" Latvia breathed.
"Yes, if dreamy means fusty and old! I bet he's claiming expenses even though he's staying here at Chez Psycho's!" Poland said.
"Pol? Don't you have somewhere to be?" Toris asked. "Before Mr Russia gets up and finds you're still here?"
"Not really. Anyway, I have a funny feeling you'll need me before the night is out."
Later...
"But I want to go to the ball!" Latvia wailed again. For the sixteenth time.
Lithuania tried to ignore her. He was dressed in a very very old tuxedo. So old in fact that he was sure he had worn it to one of the Austrian Hapsburg Emperor's coronations. Perhaps even Emperor Ferdinand's.
"Ed?" she asked her brother.
"You can't, Latvia. We told you. We're only going to keep an eye on Mr Russia."
"You're only going to make money!" she told him accusingly. "I saw you with your briefcase! Are you going to sell someone some timeshares again?"
He hurried past her. "I need to tie my bow-tie."
"Don't worry, Latvia, sweetie. I'll keep you company," Poland told her. "Seeing as I'm not allowed to go as well!" he gave Lithuania a 'look'.
"Pol! You're not even supposed to be here!"
"We know our place, don't we?" Poland said, putting an arm around Latvia.
Latvia stomped her foot. "You're all so mean!"
"To keep you occupied, you can both decorate the basement," Lithuania said. He thought he was being conciliatory. He knew how much Poland loved decorating.
"You're awful!" Latvia threw herself out of the room and stomped upstairs, almost running over Austria in the meantime.
"Well!" he said as he entered the kitchen. "I see you can't get the staff!"
"Oh, my ponies! What are you wearing?" Poland shrieked in utter delight.
"I'll have you know, that this cravat belonged to Charles VI."
"He was weird as well," Poland said. "Big-chinned imbecile," Poland told Lithuania.
"I know! I was there as well, remember?" Lithuania replied.
"Oh yes, honey!"
"So this ball we're going to…" Austria began to say.
"A masquerade ball," Lithuania explained.
"Shouldn't someone wake the boss?" Estonia asked.
"Does this mean we have to wear masks?" Austria asked.
"To wake the boss? Good idea. Then he won't know who woke him…" Estonia said.
"No, I mean for the ball."
"That's generally the idea, honey," Poland said. He was still drinking. In fact, he had not stopped and was now half way down Russia's emergency bottle of vodka.
"We should toss for it," Estonia said, pulling a dice out of his pocket.
"I don't think so. Your dice are always loaded," Lithuania said.
"Remind me never to gamble with you two," Austria sniffed.
"I'll wake him!" Poland exclaimed and drunkenly, and quite camply headed for the door.
Lithuania pulled him back, "Not you! Are you trying to give me a heart attack? Do you want to be annexed again?"
"I remember that well…" Austria said, trying on a variety of masks that were scattered on the table. (Estonia had got them from who knew where?)
Poland glared at him, "You should a wear a mask all the time, Austria. It's an improvement."
Austria looked about to retort with something, probably something scathing and bitchy. But didn't. Mainly because they heard a yell from upstairs and Russia came bounding down the stairs two/three at a time.
"Who kissed me?" he shouted. "Someone woke me with a kiss!"
"None of us here!" Lithuania said and then realised he implied that it could be someone else.
"Well it certainly wasn't me! I can assure you of that!" Austria said, affronted. "I'm deeply insulted that you would think I go around kissing strange men!"
"Unless you're married to them!" Poland pointed out and hiccuped.
"Why is he here?" Russia asked Estonia.
"Which one? Poland or Austria?"
"Both."
"Poland was here decorating and hasn't left yet," Estonia gave much emphasis on 'yet'. "And Mr Austria is the diplomat, remember?"
"I thought that the diplomat was a proper human person," Russia said. He looked disappointed. He was disappointed. He had actually hoped it was going to be a 'human woman'. He still didn't know who had kissed him.
He was glad it wasn't Poland.
However, Russi-cat came strolling in, looking pleased with himself.
Austria jumped and almost stuck to the ceiling, "Aaargh! What is that? I don't like cats!"
"He's a Siberian Forest cat," Russia said, picking up the huge 20 pound cat and stroking. "Boris? Did you kiss me?" he asked wonderingly. The cat purred.
They stood in the driveway looking at Russia's Volga car...
"I call shotgun," Russia said.
"Where did you get that word from?" Lithuania asked.
"Amerika! He says it all the time! That and 'come on men' and 'yo'. I thought I'd try them out."
Lithuania sighed. It was going to be a long evening.
Estonia drove them to the ball. Austria was still complaining about cat hairs on his 'expensive' jacket, which Lithuania thought was grotty enough. Russia seemed to be in very high spirits, despite the fact there was no 'human woman lady person diplomat' - his words - that he could dance with. Estonia seemed quietly pleased about something. Lithuania didn't want to know what.
In the house...
"I'm always left behind!" Latvia wailed.
"I know hun. So am I," Poland said.
They were sat in the basement, drinking vodka and not doing the cleaning.
"Except you're not are you?" Latvia answered.
"No not really. I just thought I'd make you feel better."
Latvia sighed. "I never get to go to the parties."
"There is never any parties, sweetie."
"I know… but it would be nice to go to the one that they do have!"
"We'll sneak in!" Poland said and promptly fell off his pink glittery beanbag as he said it.
"But how?"
"Oh sweetie! I'm always sneaking into places. Do you honestly think I get into all those embassy parties by being invited?"
"Erm..?"
"Of course not! Be serious! I mean of course I'm so bloody fabulous. But I'm also gayer than Sweden in pink lycra pants at an ABBA concert. So do you honestly think I get there by invitation?"
Latvia didn't know what to say.
"You shall go to the party, hun. You leave it to me. All you and I need are disguises!"
"Yes but… I mean… it's a masquerade so…"
"Exactly! We'll wear masks…"
"But they'll still know who we are!"
"Not if we swap genders!"
"What?"
"What?"
Latvia found herself sat in Poland's chic red hire car wearing the largest ballgown known to man. (She was wearing the gown, not the car, that would be weird.) She'd been amazed at Poland's ingenuity with a little sewing machine (that he always travelled with) and some spare curtain material.
"I could hide you under here, Poland!" she said, flapping the skirt of the dress around.
Poland looked dashing in a smart black tux and actually for once - normal trousers.
"Well… I don't normally wear stuff like this…" Poland said, looking down at himself. He was wearing a spare tuxedo found in Russia's wardrobe and a pair of Estonia's trousers.
"What do you mean?"
"Male attire."
So the gender swap had turned out to be Latvia 'turning' into a girl and Poland being a man…
"They'll never expect me to be a man or you to be a girl. I must say, Latty-sweetie, you rock that gown. Not as much as me though…Those socks down your bodice don't look very realistic, honey," Poland told Latvia, looking at her bosom.
She sighed. She almost said, "Those aren't socks, you bozo!" but didn't. Pol was the biggest gossip ever.
"And you need to not talk, honey."
"Why?"
"Well, sweetie, you sound so obviously like a guy! You'll give the game away!"
Latvia just raised an eyebrow.
"Perhaps I should drive," Latvia said.
"Why? Because I insulted you?"
"No, because you're drunk!"
So Latvia drove, her size 6 trainers barely reaching the pedals, but she couldn't be bothered to adjust the seat. Poland sat in the back, talking to Vasili III. He'd drunk so much Russian vodka, he could now see the former Grand Prince of Moscow.
"He says he's the father of Ivan the Terrible!"
"Well that's nothing to write home about," Latvia muttered. "Hey! Isn't that Sweden there? Rocking up in pink lycra pants?"
"Hey Swe?!" Poland yelled earsplittingly out of the window. "Where you off to?"
Sweden grunted something back.
"ABBA…" Poland told Latvia and waved at her to continue.
"This is so exciting…" Latvia said, her eyes shining.
"It is, hun… But we have to be back for midnight!"
"Aw! Why?"
"It's what they always say in the films!"
"This is rubbish, there is no-one to dance with," Russia said grumpily.
He stood with Lithuania in the grand ballroom of the Austrian Embassy in Leningrad. The orchestra was playing Strauss. The chandeliers glittered and dripped crystals. Champagne flowed. Women in beautiful gowns swept by him - quickly. He glowered around. "There is no vodka!" he said.
"Sir, you're supposed to wear your mask. It's a masquerade ball. Why don't you ask someone to dance?" Lithuania said.
Russia stared at him as if he'd just grown another head. "Ask someone? Suppose they say 'no'?"
Lithuania was about to say 'wear the mask and they won't know it's you' or 'don't wear the mask and they'll be too scared to refuse' but he didn't. Instead a lady approached him and said, "Can I interrupt you for a dance?"
Russia gaped as Lithuania was whizzed away across the dancefloor by a 'real lady person'.
Estonia was nowhere to be seen. (In fact, Estonia was in a private room drumming up business for his timeshare enterprise and doing a roaring trade in selling apartments that had yet to be built.)
Instead, Russia stomped over to Austria who was talking to the orchestra. "Yes yes… I mean I personally met Johann at a recital. I did suggest some amendments, but he didn't want to know."
The conductor was trying to ignore the Austrian.
"If you want me to take over conducting…"
"You mean like a bus conductor?" Russia interrupted.
Austria turned and glared at him.
Thankfully as Austria was wearing a mask that partially covered his eyes, Russia could not tell that Austria had given him such a death glare, otherwise the conductor's baton would have had to be removed from Austria's windpipe.
"Yoohoo!" Poland waved at Lithuania and sauntered over.
"Pol! What are you doing here?"
"It's a party, hun. Of course I'm here!"
Obviously, despite the masks, they had recognised each other straight away. Lithuania was amazed to see Poland was actually wearing normal men's clothes.
"Dance?"
"Well… won't it look odd, two men dancing together?" Lithuania said nervously.
"Well there's Russia and Latvia dancing together…"
"Oh right, yes of course."
Latvia stood in the middle of the ballroom and saw Austria. She smoothed down her curtainy dress, almost tripped over it, adjusted her mask and headed towards him. She had an opening line made up. (He would never know her from her voice, surely?) But suddenly Russia leapt in front of her.
"Will you dance with me?"
"Erm…" she hesitated. Then realised she wasn't allowed to talk and he would know who she was. Shaking her head seemed too rude so she nodded.
Russia grinned broadly, grabbed her by the waist, took hold of her hand which appeared tiny in his huge paw and set off around the room.
She tried to catch Austria's eye as she went around. But couldn't. The idiot Austrian was too busy berating the orchestra.
"Honestly! Call that A sharp? When was the last time you tuned your instruments? Give me that violin! I once had to tune Bach's piano. And he was grateful!"
Russia saw her looking at the Austrian. "He calls himself a Count. I don't think he is a Count. The only way he is a Count is that he counts… his money!" Russia thought this was very funny and laughed to himself.
Latvia frowned.
"No Vasili, don't be silly of course Latvia's not here!" Russia hissed at somebody/something over her right shoulder.
Latvia almost jumped out of her skin.
"Sorry!" Russia said but was then distracted by a commotion on the balcony. He frowned and a purple mist appeared around him. "Excuse me! I have to go sort out something…" he said and hurried off.
She turned to her right shoulder and hissed, "Vasili, if you're bloody there, bugger off! If you don't I will make your death a real misery. I will ensure that you are shoved into the gateway to hell for all eternity… or at least until next Tuesday."
Russia meanwhile had roundly punched a man who had sneeringly called Toris and Poland a 'couple of poofs'.
He skidded back to stand in front of her.
She jumped in surprise.
"Sorry! I had to hit someone. They were being homophobic to my friends. Well one of them is my friend. The other isn't." He said this quickly and then looked around. "Where's Vasili?"
Latvia shrugged.
"I'm not gay!" he added quickly and then they danced again.
Latvia wanted to say something but obviously couldn't. She found that actually Russia was quite a good waltzer. Thankfully they weren't doing anything faster or she was sure she would have battered toes and, despite her misgivings, she soon forgot all about Count Roderich Hapsburg Von Edelstein or whatever he called himself.
Before she knew it, a clock somewhere had begun to chime.
She was about to tell Russia that she had to go when Poland whistled her shrilly.
She nodded at him, gently extricated herself from Russia's hold (which she had quite enjoyed) and hurried off.
"So you're just going to powder your nose? You're not going to climb out of the window?" he called after her.
As the clock chimed midnight, she ran down the steps with Poland, fell over her gown, jumped up and leapt into the car, losing a trainer in the process.
Poland, of course, thought the whole thing was a 'hoot'.
Much much later...
"Well, I personally think I've seen better bands on a cigar! That orchestra was awful…" Austria was moaning as soon as he, Russia, Lithuania and Estonia entered the house.
"Did you have a nice time?" Poland asked, as he greeted them.
"No!" Austria growled and stomped off upstairs.
"Yes!" Estonia said, patting his briefcase and making mental notes as to how much he'd made in timeshare deals.
"Kind of…" Lithuania said, frowning, thinking of the poor man who'd had to be carried out on a stretcher after being hit by Russia.
"Yes!" Russia said, weirdly clutching a trainer. "But… no…" he held up the footwear item. "Are you sure she was wearing this, Lithuania?"
"Yes! I told you." Lithuania said and then seeing Poland's alarmed shakes of the head, changed it to: "Actually no, not at all.. I'm sure…"
Russia wasn't listening, "I will find her!" he said mysteriously and disappeared upstairs.
"Oh well.. Whatever that was about…" Poland said airily. "Come on Toris, carry me upstairs, I'm exhausted!"
Latvia was dancing around her attic bedroom, humming the Blue Danube to herself dreamily.
The next morning…
"What in the name of Denmark's underpants are you wearing, Austria?"
The speaker was Poland and he was laughing. Hard.
And so he should. Austria was wearing some kind of nightshirt. Complete with a tasselled nightcap on his head.
The Austrian looked more grumpy than normal. "I've had a terrible night. The worst night's sleep I've had since… since… since I lost my wallet at Italy's house!"
"Oh dear!" Lithuania looked concerned.
Poland was laughing. "Really?"
"Yes! And do you know, the bed I slept on was so lumpy! It felt as if the mattress had a boulder in the middle!"
Poland smirked and whispered to Lithuania, "I put that bag of peas under there…"
Lithuania shook his head, "I'm so sorry, Mr Austria."
"Who do you think will fit this shoe?" Russia announced loudly, barging into the room, waving aside a coffee and a big bowl of porridge and throwing the trainer onto the table.
"No idea…"
"Dear Lord, no! Honey, you would not see me dead in that!" Poland exclaimed.
"Why?" Austria asked, blinking at the rest of the room.
"Well honey, I only wear Prada." Poland answered with a sniff.
"No, I mean why does he want to know?"
"Well Mr Russia thinks…" Lithuania began to explain.
"Whoever this shoe fits will be my wife!" Russia announced dramatically.
Austria almost fell off his chair.
Poland snorted his coffee through his nose.
Latvia, who had been about to enter the room swiftly exited again.
"Sir, I don't think it works like that," Lithuania told Russia.
Poland was laughing, "Give it to me… let's see…" he attempted to squeeze his size 9 foot into the tiny size 6 trainer. "Bloody hell, who's shoe's this? She must have been a munchkin!"
Russia snatched it from him, "It was the love of my life!" he said defensively. "Whoever it is, I will shower with… love and…er…"
Poland laughed, arching an eyebrow.
"…The crown jewels from upstairs!" Russia said finally, glaring at Poland. That'll show him, he thought.
Austria jumped up, grabbed the trainer, wrinkling his nose a little with disgust and between thumb and forefinger, tried to cram his foot into it.
"Not you!" Russia yelled.
"You said 'whoever'!" Austria protested.
"You're not a lady!" Russia yelled at him, "I know you act like a girl, but…I'm not marrying you… besides I don't think Hungary would be pleased! Or my sestra."
Austria looked a bit put out, flung the trainer at Russia and stomped off. "Plenty of people have been more than happy to marry me!" he shouted over his shoulder as he headed upstairs.
"He always used to get married to get out of situations," Poland said.
"Well he's not marrying me," Russia said and then went out the door with his shoe. "I'm going to find the woman I'm going to marry!"
Six hours later, Russia was being escorted back to the house by the KGB, having been found on the subway forcing women to try on shoes.
"I don't have a foot fetish! Toris, tell them!"
"Erm he doesn't… he's just…"
"Special. He has special needs," Poland said, utterly delighted.
Russia nodded enthusiastically at this. "I'll find her, Toris, you just wait." He said to Toris as the door was slammed shut on the KGB guards' faces (some of whom looked a little battered and worse for wear).
"Shall I tell him he danced with a boy or shall you?" Poland whispered to Lithuania.
"Oh God!"
But before Lithuania could actually say anything else there was a huge crash upstairs.
"Please let that be England and Scotland again!" Latvia said and ran upstairs before anyone (mainly Russia) could question her.
It wasn't.
The person who had fallen out of a wardrobe was Austria and he was covered in streamers and balloons.
"Well!" he managed to say when he saw his fellow Nations stood looking at him with arms crossed.
"Have you been to a party?" Poland asked in disbelief as a balloon that said 'Party-time' on it popped over his head.
Austria nodded. "How long was I gone?"
"All day," Russia growled.
"Well, I'm okay… you can stop searching for me," Austria said. He looked exhausted.
"We didn't," Russia said.
"Where have you been? What party?" Poland asked. "Why wasn't I invited?"
"Pol… you really don't want to know," Lithuania said.
"They said it was sixth circle of hell! A leaving party for someone or other…" Austria looked confused. He had to sit down. His skinny white legs showing under his nightshirt. Latvia had to look away.
"No! I wanted to go to that! They promised me they wouldn't have it until I got there!" Russia said and stomped out. Clearly the day was ruined for him as he hadn't been invited to a demon's leaving party.
"The music was awful. I told them. And there was no nibbles," Austria moaned. "They threw me out because apparently I'm boring!"
Poland stared at him, "I really think you're losing it, Roddy," he said finally and walked out.
They waved Austria off the next day, after six hours of diplomacy talks with Russia sulking, Austria with his head in his hands with a 'dreadful headache' and their respective bosses trying to ignore the weirdness of their respective Nations.
"Bye then! I'm glad you're still alive!" Lithuania shouted as Austria's hire car left the driveway.
"Well that went well. We didn't injure another diplomat. Nobody got lost on a bus. Nobody was paralysed and nobody got skewered by Belarus," Russia said, quite pleased. "I just need to find the lady who's shoe this is." He held up the trainer. He'd hung onto it for the last 24 hours and Latvia was now worried she'd have to buy a new pair.
"Right, I'm going, bye then honeys! It's been fun! Call me!" Poland yelled as he backed his car down the driveway.
Lithuania slammed the door shut, and leaned against it, wiping his brow. "Thank God that's over!"
Or was it?
The phone rang and Estonia went to answer it, "Yes? Oh? We did a good job at hosting the diplomat so we can host another?" he asked.
Lithuania fainted…
Author's Note:
Did you spot all the fairy tale references?