Chapter Thirty-Five:
"I wasn't really sure what you would be in the mood for," Patrick said as they each sat on their own double bed in the hotel room.
Robin smiled and looked at the plate in front of her.
"It's perfect, but do you mind if I sit at the table?"
He realized the bed was still her enemy.
"Of course. I'll sit with you," he moved the food to the table in the room.
"You don't have to," she said softly. "I mean, you don't have to spend all this time with me. If you want to go, I'll be okay alone."
He sighed and took a drink of his beer.
"I'm not going anywhere. I wish you understood that."
She looked at him and he could see she was trying to figure something out.
"I understand, I guess I just don't know why."
"What do you mean?"
She rubbed her eyes and looked at him.
"I don't know why you want to help me. I don't know why you're here. I don't know why you care."
He got a little angry at her words.
"Seriously? You don't know why I care? Robin, we were married. We have been together for years. We have a daughter together. What the hell kind of question is that?"
"People who are divorced don't have that connection anymore. People who are divorced aren't the ones who are there for each other. People who are divorced aren't each other's "person" anymore. It's a legitimate question."
"If we were divorced because the love was gone, then I would agree. Our divorce came from hurt and lies and anger. It was never about wanting to be without each other."
"Really? You are making it sound like this divorce was a mutual decision. It wasn't. It was your choice, your idea and your doing. You can wax poetic about the big bad reasons we didn't work out, but don't act like this came from both of us. It didn't," she said, her anger brewing.
"So you had nothing to do with what happened? I was just supposed to wait for you forever?" he asked, matching her anger.
"Yes. Yes you were. You should have waited for me because I was helping a friend. You should have waited for me because I wasn't going to be gone forever. You should have waited because I needed help and I had nobody to turn to. You never asked how I was. You never wanted to talk about what I went through. You asked me to have another baby and that was less than a week after you left your almost wife. You should have been more patient and understanding. This wasn't about hurting you, Patrick. This was about me needing you."
"I needed you, too. I needed you to trust me and I needed you to let me in. You couldn't do that and I did what I thought I needed to do," he took a long drink of his beer and stood up, walking to the dresser in the room. "Now we know what was really going on and I am asking you to let me in. I'm trying to be make up for things."
Robin sat back and glared at him.
"Since when have you become so dogmatic about things? Because you say so means that's the way it is? You've decided that the divorce was for reasons you didn't mean and therefore I should just let it go? You make the decisions about everything and I should just go along with it? I should just forget walking in on you sleeping with Sam because you were angry? I should just let go of the issues when I came back and you stayed with Sabrina because you were confused? I should just forget that you left me alone when I begged for help because you simply didn't know any better? Because the great and mighty Patrick Drake feels one way, I should follow? Sorry but life doesn't work that way. I am not that woman, Patrick, and I am not the woman who can simply love you again."
"So that's it? There is no trying to figure this out or work through things if possible?" he felt his voice catch in his throat as he looked at her.
"I don't believe you," she said simply. "I don't believe you want me anymore. I feel like a second or maybe third choice, Patrick, and I have too much pride for that. I lost three years of my life and I know how precarious my time is. I won't waste another minute pining for you or wishing for something that simply isn't real. I owe our daughter a better example. I owe you the right to move on without any hold ups. You're here because you don't ant to be alone. My coming home ruined your budding romance with Sam and now that she went back to Jason, you're looking to me. I can't be that kind of woman. I deserve more."
"You're full of shit," he said simply.
"Excuse me?" she took another sip of her beer, needing to calm her nerves.
"It's typical Robin. You're stating the facts that suit you so the blame is all on me. It's shit."
She smirked at him and crossed her arms.
"Typical Robin? That's a new one."
He shrugged.
"You keep throwing things in my face and I get it, but you're acting like all of this happened in a vacuum. It's like you were the one making all the right decisions and I was the horrible husband who couldn't hack it. Life isn't so black and white."
"I know that," she said. "But you sleeping with Sam is."
He spoke and paced.
"So that's it? I slept with Sam and that means I never loved you? You've just decided that and now we have no chance of ever moving forward?"
She got up and walked to face him.
"You know there are a total of three men in my life who I have slept with; Stone, Jason and you. Stone was my first and it was fun and sweet and then gone. Jason loved me but used Carly for sex because I was terrified to be with him after my diagnosis. It took so long for me to be comfortable enough to be with him and what happened with Carly and Michael and that stupid cottage really turned me off from any relationship."
Patrick hated where this was going.
"But with you, it was like I was enough. I wasn't the virginal schoolgirl who went after the bad boy. I wasn't the girl with no future who took whatever she could get because that's what I felt I deserved. I was an adult in an adult relationship with the man of my dreams. You looked at me like I was sexy and desirable and not damaged. You challenged me to want more out of life and you pushed me to believe I deserved it. You made me laugh and dream and when we made love, I felt like I simply found where I was always meant to be. I couldn't imagine another man touching me or kissing me or loving me. I never wanted anyone else to see my body come alive or to hold me while I gave everything I had. I ached to love you and now I know you moved on twice and it kills me. I can't get past it because it makes me know that what I feel is not what you feel."
Patrick was furious by her allegations and he knew it couldn't be farther from the truth.
"If you truly loved me the way you say, you wouldn't have left me the way you did. You left me nothing, Robin. You lied and lied and when I finally figured out the truth, you cut me out. I am a brilliant surgeon, but more importantly, I was your husband and someone worthy of your confidence. For fucks sake, I could have helped. Instead, you left and walked into a trap because you didn't trust me to help you. You chose leaving over figuring out another way. You chose to walk away from me and you left me with no way to find you. It wasn't the first time and I would not allow it to happen again."
He stared at her as he continued.
"Then my son was born premature because of a car accident that almost hurt me and Emma. I needed you to come home and help me and you said no. You refused and it broke something inside of me. Once again, you chose someone else over Emma and me. I was done. I couldn't allow you to hurt me again. I cut you out of my heart because I couldn't breathe."
Robin watched him as his anger flew out and her own breath caught in her throat as the weight of all that happened sat on her chest like an elephant.
"I'm sorry," she said breathlessly. "I'm so sorry about that."
He wiped his face and shook his head.
"I don't need you to be sorry. I need you to stop assuming you know what my motives were. I need for you to stop looking at our relationship like it meant nothing to me. I need for you to see that I love you and I needed you and you chose someone else. I understand you needed to help Jason. I just don't understand why I couldn't help you."
"Victor would have done something if I didn't go with him. When you and Sam came to Crighton Clark, he was watching my every move and I had to get you both out of there. He had so many men there who were armed and wouldn't hesitate to kill you in front of me. I needed you to leave and I knew it made you hate me, but I had to lie. Then, when Jason woke up and we were going to escape and come home, I was so happy. I knew I would get to see you and hold you and tell you everything and I prayed you would understand. I thought of watching Danny as he was able to be with his dad and then you and Emma and I could move forward with our lives."
She paced and then turned to him.
"And then I dropped Jason off and went to find my mom and Helena was there. She took me and she handed me the divorce papers and then she let me skype with you so you would know I was alive. That was my last hope. I knew you would see that I needed help, but when it came time to try and help me, you turned away. Even though I hurt you, I never believed you would turn your back when I was so alone," she said. "You and my mother left me to Helena. You never tried to help me."
Shame colored his face as he nodded.
"I know, but I felt like you turned your back when I needed you to help with Gabriel. I begged you to come home and you refused."
"I had no choice. Victor threatened me. I would have given anything to be here with you and Emma," she said tearfully.
"I didn't know," he said softly. "I thought you once again chose someone else."
They both looked at each other and were quiet.
"So what's next? Where do we go from here?" Patrick asked to break the silence.
She took another drink of her beer.
"We move on with our lives."
"Alone?" he asked brokenly.
"Yes. It's the way it needs to be."
"Why? Because you say so?"
Robin sighed and sat back on her chair.
"Because it's what I want and therefore it's what will happen. I hope to find love again one day, Patrick. I hope you do, too."
"No. I don't accept that."
She was exhausted and a little tipsy from the beer as she walked back and sat on the chair.
"I really don't care. I'm tired, Patrick."
He walked to the bed and sat down.
"I know. How about we watch a movie and just try to relax?" he knew he had pushed her a little too far and he didn't want her to completely shut down on him.
She looked at him and ran her hand through her hair.
"How did you and Sam get together?"
"What?"
"I have been wondering. How did it happen?"
"She was there for me when Gabriel died. She helped me figure out who ran me off the road and when I was fired, she and I investigated who paid Rafe off."
Robin was stunned.
"You were fired? Why?"
He sighed.
"Because I thought about killing Rafe while he was on the table. I almost did it, too. Obrecht found out and fired me."
"She fired you for thinking about it? How did she even know?"
"It's such a long and messed up story. Someone overheard me telling Sam I thought about it and went to the press. It became a big deal because I lost Rafe on the table and there was doubt."
"Doubt? Patrick, your record speaks for itself. How could anyone doubt your abilities in the OR?"
He smiled at how passionately she believed in him and then he shrugged.
"I considered it. I looked at Rafe and I saw all I had lost. I considered it."
"I understand that, but I also know you. You have never taken your talent and power in the OR for granted. But Patrick, you're human. You suffered such a profound loss that I can imagine exactly how it happened. You saw him lying on the table and you began to debate with yourself. You probably had an entire conversation about it in your head."
He was floored at how she knew him.
"I couldn't do it. He was just a kid who was messed up and Victor took advantage of him. I couldn't do it."
Robin smiled sadly.
"I know that. I'm so sorry. Victor went after him because of me. I'm so sorry."
Patrick moved to the edge of the bed and sat facing her, their knees almost touching.
"It isn't your fault. You did everything Victor wanted and he still went after me. You did nothing wrong."
She looked up at him and her eyes were swimming.
"I did everything wrong. I ruined everyone's life and I just don't think I should be here. I think I was meant to die there and now everything is so hard and painful."
He was caught a little off guard at the break in her walls, and it was probably due to the beer, but she was suddenly confiding in him and he went with it.
"Listen to me right now," he reached and held her face in his large hands. "You were meant to live. You are a survivor, Robin, and you always have been. You are meant to be here."
She started to cry and he went to hold her when she stood up and moved.
"I'm okay. I'm sorry I got a little emotional. I'm okay."
"You're not okay," he said softly.
"I'm fine," she said adamantly, her tears gone.
He sighed.
"Then sleep in the bed. If you're so fine, get into the bed and sleep there."
She glared at him and walked to the bed and sat down.
"See? I'm fine."
"That's not exactly what I meant."
She pulled the covers back and got in as he watched her. He walked to his bed and sat down as she began to shake. He got up quickly and went to her.
"Robin? What is it? Hey, it's okay," he went to touch her and she scrambled out of the bed and fell to the floor.
"I can't do it," she cried. "Oh God, I can't do it," she said in a pathetically small voice. "Please don't make me do it. Please don't make me," she said over and over and he knew she wasn't talking to him.
"Okay," he moved to gather her in his arms and he walked to the couch in the room, sitting down and holding her as she shook with fear.
"You're going to be fine," he whispered. "You are safe and you are going to be fine."
"How could you move on? How could you sleep with another woman so soon?" she cried as he held her and his own tears fell. He knew, for all of his words and her fears, what he did by sleeping with Sam destroyed her.
"I'm so sorry," he said as he held her.
"I'm really trying, but I don't know how to stop loving you. Can you show me how you did it?" she looked at him and he shook his head.
"I can't show you because I never stopped. I love you now more than ever and I know what I did makes you believe otherwise, but I have never loved another woman the way I love you."
She shook her head and moved away from him, grabbing the blanket and huddling on the couch.
"Please leave me alone."
He watched her and got up, walking to his bed and lying down, staring at the ceiling.