Hi guys!
Thanks for everything, you would never imagine how happy I am that you all continued to read this fic. Soooo...the storm is nearly over :-) I Hope I didn't disappoint too much of you. Some of you asked me a few questions, I hope this Chapter will give you the answers you were looking for. Edward isn't in a good place right now so please don't hate him..be gentle. You may come across some typo's because this is another unedited chapter...I uploaded it because I know you guys don't want to wait. Just a heads up, I am going away for a couple of days so I may not be able to update until early next week. In the mean time, please share your thoughts. his story is almost over...I'm heading for about forty chapters. If there are any questions, please feel free to ask. Remember, this is my first story. I will definitely make mistakes and my imagination will obviously differ from alot of you guys.
BUT...thanks again! You are all amazing. To Elise, I miss you! :-)
DISCLAIMER: All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.
Chapter 3
EPOV
Music blaring, young girls staring and everything is blue.
Tonight, if I can recall correctly, the assholes I call friends decided to bring the after party to my house. I agreed, because come on? I am officially on my own and I can do whatever the hell I want to do. I fucking own this town.
The sports rally went according to plan I guess. After all the babbling and happenings, the annual event had to come to an end. My night ended the moment I walked away from Bella.
Tanya spread the word that my parents are leaving for Spain, so at midnight all these douchebags started rocking up at my house.
The booze started flowing, girls started swimming in the heated pool, and now I am having fun.
I am sooooo fucking happy.
I'm sad, heartbroken, bent, wrecked, alone.
As I am sitting under the thatch roof covered bar we have at the pool area, thoughts of Bella still linger. My wounds of heartbreak are fresh, but I need to forget. I tried everything tonight, to the point of almost locking my phone in my car.
She wants time so I'll fucking give her time.
I can't keep up with her games anymore. Because loving a brown eyed girl so much that you can feel it driving you insane, isn't fucking normal. I decided to switch off my phone, hoping that I could maybe forget about her for just one night.
My pocket has never felt heavier.
"Bro, are you okay?" Jasper lifts my thoughts back into reality as he catches me staring into my almost empty glass of Jameson.
"Ahuh. Why…Whatsup?" I ask, speaking louder than what I usually do because the music is so damn loud. If we didn't live at the end of a beach road, I am sure the cops would have being here a long time ago.
"You look pissed is all." Jasper scratches his head then begins again, "I'm gonna head home, Bro."
"What the fuck?" I say, standing up infront of my best friend. "No fucking way am I going to allow you to leave. This party just started."
Jasper smirks and shows me thumbs up, reassuring me that he will stay even though I know he will leave.
The truth is I need my friends. I need them here because if I am alone, I will think of her. Then I will go to her, and I will forgive her. I will beg, beg, and beg some more because I have no other choice. I am tired of hurting and tired of loving so hard. It's Bella's chance to give me time.
So when I spot long blonde hair on the other side of the pool house, I smirk, and sneak up behind her, covering her eyes with the palm of my hand.
"Who is it?" she whispers, covering my hand with her own and attempting to break free from my snitching.
"Take a guess?" I whisper into her ear, feeling all kinds of guilty because this isn't the girl my heart is designed to be with.
"Edward?" Tanya turns around and the smile on her face is bigger than ever. She thinks I chose her and that I made up my mind. The amount of hope this girl possesses will forever amuse me.
But I'll use and abuse because love fucking hurts. Maybe this is the only way to ever rid Bella from my thoughts.
Suffocated because of her penetrating gaze, I smile politely and shrug, opening my arms as if to say that she had guessed correctly.
"How could I not know that sexy voice?" Tanya tries to sound appealing even though the music has become loud, loud, loud and I am not really interested in what flows out of her mouth.
Looking around, I watch as my friends get shit faced and out of control. Jake is playing foosball and a couple of my teammates are playing pool. I am blessed with the best but I am still unhappy and that isn't fair.
Emmett appears to be consoling Rosalie for who knows what. She seems to be the only one besides me who isn't enjoying themselves. Waving over at the biggest guy on my team, he lifts up his glass as if to say cheers.
With dancing figures and connecting bodies, my mind convinces me that I cannot be alone right now. I need someone to numb this pain that I feel all the fucking time. I need dimpled cheeks to just vanish from my thoughts.
So, frustrated and alone, I ask Tanya, "and why is that?" Because flirting makes everything better.
"Well…that voice sounds like all the times you would whisper in my ear as you came." Tanya bites her lip and trails her hands along my bicep, positioning her body close, close, close.
Guilt begins to smother me.
"I must have forgotten that." I play dumb.
"Well…why don't we go up to your room so that I can refresh your memory?" Her hands are now trailing along my sides and it's doing nothing to me. Just the site of Bella gets me hard and heavy. And here, with a willing blonde who looks a lot prettier than the average woman, my body rejects because my heart keeps winning.
So, I shove my tongue down her throat, desperate to feel something other than love and hurt. And again, I feel fucking nothing. No accelerating heart beats, no anxiety inducing perspiration and definitely no action from the guy below my belt.
And that, I guess is enough evidence that I am just a guy ruined because of love. I cannot function, focus or even pretend to want another when Bella is the reason that every girl isn't.
So, I pull away from Tanya and I apologise for my advancing behaviour. Disappointment flashes in the eyes of Treehaven's number one cheerleader as she realises that she will never get through to me. I step away, one-two-three, and she calls me back.
I don't listen.
Why would I?
Instead, I walk away and act like that didn't just happen. I drink some more, party some more, and pretend some more. The surrounding guests would find me cool, calm and collected. But I am afraid that once they all leave, I'll have time to catch up with all things real.
The truth is that Bella and I are no longer together. We done-over-nothing, because it is what she wants. So I decide that the sooner I face her absence the better it will be and the faster I will heal.
Moments later I find my best friend with his tongue down Kate's throat. "Jake, get all these fuckers out of here." I say, taking another gulp of my drink while swaying a little. I have lost count of my alcohol consumption, but I am at a point where I just want to be alone. I want to feel sorry for myself and come to terms with the fact that Bella will no longer be in my life until she fucking decides what she wants.
Checking my watch, I see it is just after three in the morning. People are finally wasted and don't look like they will be able to leave anytime soon.
"Why?" Jake asks, laughing.
"Nevermind." I say, walking over to the stereo to turn the music off. Everyone looks at me in question, asking with their eyes what the fuck is my problem. My problem is that I am miserable and I wish I never ever met Isabella Swan. But I won't say that. Instead, I walk over to the pool table and lift myself up.
"Hey! Can I have all your attention?" I call out, speaking into my hands that cave my mouth. "The police are on their way. Get the fuck out of her." I smirk, and then I stumble as I watch everyone gather their shit as fast as they can.
Within a couple of minutes, everyone has fled my house. It appears as if no one was ever around. With littered bottles, chip packets, and garden lanterns lying around, my back yard is smashed.
Jake remains behind, but Jasper the pussy left a long time ago.
"Cullen…I gotta hand it to you Bro." Jake raises his arm, offering a hand shake.
"Enough is enough." I say, walking over to the back entrance of my house. Obviously, best friend follows, because he wants answers.
He knows without knowing that I am definitely not okay.
"Where is Bella?" Although I am drunk, the sound of her name knocks the reality back into me. Because where is Bella?
"I don't know. I'm done with her shit man." I admit, feeling guilty because maybe I am far from done.
"What do you mean?" The concern in Jakes voice is evidence of his new found worry.
"What does it matter? Isn't that what you wanted to hear?" I ask, walking into the kitchen to begin fixing myself and Jake an early morning snack.
"No. No its not. You know, earlier this evening I saw Bella. I like really saw her and I looked at her as just a person. She is fucking beautiful Edward. I can tell she is even better from the inside. I was dick lastnight. But the truth is I will support you know matter what."
"Thanks man. But maybe it's too late. Maybe it's good that we've both lied and kept everything a secret…because look how things turned out."
Jake doesn't say anything further. He finally understands. He stays behind because that is what best friends do. They comfort, ease, and are just there.
In the early hours of the morning, we eat our food, and then make our way upstairs. Jake ends up smoking a joint while I continue playing FIFA.
I dose off for just a bit, and when I wake up, I am alone on the cold wooden floor with the Xbox control in my hand. All feelings of restlessness depart as my painful thoughts surface.
Right now I only have my feelings as a companion. I can finally breathe and grieve again. So, in my sleepy state, I walk over to Esme's medicine cabinet and swallow down two sleeping pills. My unnatural attempts to numb the pain and help me to forget for just abit, is all I need right now.
Slumping myself onto my bed, I close my eyes and smile as images of Bella are manifested in my dreams
Because sometimes it takes an out of reality moment to feel closer to someone than you could ever in fact be.
And just like that…darkness is welcomed.
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"Edward, wake up." Feeling drained and fatigued, I slowly open my eyes and blink several times, possibly still groggy from my little sleeping pill rant. Maria stands at the side of my bed, teary eyed and shaken. Concern automatically hits me, so I abruptly shift and display a questioning look.
"Oh Edward, I have being trying to wake you…" Maria says as she begins to wipe her tears. Before she can continue, I shield my eyes to prevent the intrusion of sun as it shines through my open drapes.
"What's going on, Maria? Why are you crying? What time is it?" I grab onto her shoulder, demanding answers as my voice begins to shake.
"Edward you need to go to the hospital…there was an accident" Maria squeezes my hand and tries to maintain her failed strength.
Everything just goes blank. Before I know it, I am shuffling around, grabbing the closest shorts I can find. I throw on my hoody and search around in a hysterical state as I cannot find my car keys. Maria is following behind me, trying to send soothing words in an attempt to grab my attention. But it doesn't matter because I cannot hear her.
"Fuck…where the fuck is my keys." Throwing around all my shit, I finally locate the soccer ball key ring lying beside my bed.
"Edward…please just listen to me?" The increase in Maria's tone brings me to a stop as I realise I don't know what I am doing.
"What happened? Tell me! What happened?" Thinking something might have happened to my parents, to Bella, I rest my hand on my desk and wait in horror as the woman who raised me begins to explain.
"A girl named Alice called the house. She said she was trying to phone you. There was an accident. You need to listen to me carefully…please…"
"What? What do you mean an accident? Where's Bella? Where is she?" I shake Maria with more force than I intended.
Beat, beat, beat.
Because where is Bella?
In a state of denial, I realise that I am not in the here and the now. I feel drugged, drained and intoxicated by the very presence of this day.
"All she said was that Bella was in an accident…" Maria looks down and cries in terror.
Before I know it, I begin to cry too. I cry hard and ugly because I can't feel anything. The severe stabbing pain that I am feeling emotionally, blocks out all physical awareness.
I cannot see.
I cannot hear.
I cannot taste.
I cannot smell.
I cannot touch.
Because my terrified emotions has polluted every single sense in my body. My heart has utterly and completely taken over my consciousness.
Without saying anything, without thinking or feeling, I rush out of my room and run as fast I can to my car. Climbing in, I start the ignition when Maria comes rushing out after me. She runs over to the passenger door and opens it to slide in.
"Let me come with you. I am so sorry Edward."
Driving as fast as I can, I ask, "Is she at Treehaven Hospital?"
"Yes. Please slow down before you kill us both."
I ignore Maria. I beg her not to tell me anything further because I am afraid of what she will reveal. Looking at the time next to the speedometer, I realise that it is only 9 a.m. With the medication still possibly lingering in my system, I wipe my eyes and force them to stay open.
I am physically exhausted, mentally fucked up and emotionally heart broken. But that doesn't mean anything, because I am a couple of minutes away from seeing my girl.
Maria sits in the passenger seat with her rosary in her hand, praying loud in Spanish as she rocks back and forth. I yell at her to keep the fuck quiet, but she continues.
We pull up at the hospital within the next five minutes, I don't give a fuck so I park in the emergency bay and rush out without even checking to see if I closed my door.
The familiar smell of hospitals and everything surgical breathes into my now functioning senses. I know this place well, because my father was fucking chief of this hospital until he began opening up his own private practices.
Rushing over to the reception, there are two women conversing infront of the desk as the receptionist speaks on the phone.
I walk up beside them and wait, wait and wait some more.
My growing anger and impatience leads me to blurting out loud, "Hurry the fuck up."
Appalled and dismayed, the receptionist ends her conversation and the two women beside me shift over. The evidence of my state of panic brings attention as all eyes are now on me.
"Isabella Swan, where is she? She was brought in here last night! Tell me where to go?"
The receptionist nods and begins typing on her computer.
"Sir, Miss Swan was in the trauma unit but she has being moved. Right now there is no indication of where she may be. Please if you would give me a minute, I will page her recent physician."
I nod. Because that is all I can do. I didn't realise that Maria came up behind me and placed her caring hand on my tensed up shoulders. Drumming my fingers against the wooden desk, I wait for answers that I am afraid to hear.
I don't even fucking know what day it is.
Taking deep breaths and now tapping, tapping my foot on the tiled floor, I wait.
I wait because it gives me time to know less than more. It gives me hope that maybe she was discharged and is okay.
The receptionist gets off the phone and says, "Doctor Jackson is on the third floor in room 119. Take the second lift and you will come out…" I don't listen any further because I rush over to the nearest elevator all the while Maria is there for me. Helpful and reassuring me that everything will be okay.
Watching the elevator hit the first floor, then the second, and then finally the third…my heart beats of knowing.
I know that once these doors slide open, my life will change forever.
And when it does, all I see is emptiness and devastation. Rene stands in the middle of the waiting room with her head tucked into a tall man's shoulder. Her shoulders are shaking and her cries are loud. Alice is sitting on the floor with her head in her hands, with Jasper hovering over her.
Jasper?
I see random other people. Shocked, terrified, crying.
And that is when I know…I know that I am out of time.
The feeling that overwhelms me is something I never felt before. It is a feeling I wouldn't wish upon my greatest enemy. It's a feeling of being afraid and alone. It's a feeling of realising that your heart just stopped beating.
But that doesn't stop me. It doesn't stop me from storming into the waiting room in tears, screaming and demanding to know where my girl is.
I don't see any faces, but I know I have caught their attention. Rushing over to Rene, with Maria pulling me on my arms, begging me to resist-accept and just breathe, I rush over to the woman who gave birth to my hearts keeper.
"Where is she? Where is she Rene? Tell me where she is!" I cry, I pull and I demand. Rene, turning around, stares into my eyes and shakes her head. Her tears fall down her red eyes, unkept and deprived from sleep.
Someone is pulling me on my arm, demanding my attention but all I see is Rene. She's my answer. She knows the truth therefore she will have to tell me the truth.
At the back of my mind, I hear my name being called, but I am small and needy and the sound of Rene's voice will make everything better.
Right?
But she doesn't speak, she doesn't listen or hear. All she does is cry. Walking up to me with open arms, my hearts life giver grips onto my arms and she cries. She cries and shakes her head.
Drawing away from her, I plead, "Is she okay? Please tell me Bella is okay."
I know.
I know she isn't.
"Edward…b…b…Bella, she…"
"Tell me!" in this moment, all I need is their confirmation to accept the worst outcome.
"Bella…she…she was unconscious. We got a call early hours of the morning. They just rushed her into surgery because she experienced a cardiac arrest. My baby girl is in there dying!"
Without even attempting to process Rene's words, I sink down onto the floor.
"Fuck!" Pulling at my hair, and pressing my hands into my chest, Maria, Alice and Jasper all try to comfort me.
I don't see Rene, but it doesn't mean I cannot hear her cries.
My girl, my heart, my every living reason, is in a hospital bed fighting for her life…and it's all my fault.
"Shhh…Edward…da girl would need you to be strong." Maria's soothing words are only making everything worse.
Because the truth is…within my eighteen years, it took me four months to fall hopelessly, completely and permanently in love with just a girl.
An innocent girl who was once misunderstood. A girl who loves hard and fierce and who taught me that it is okay not be perfect. Bella taught me the true meaning of a just a smile. My girl taught me happiness…but she also taught me pain. The best thing is, she taught me how to love.
And now she is dying and I don't know what to do. In my helpless and traumatized state, I cry into my hands not giving a shit that people now know the truth.
I am the secret. The guy who has always being in the background. Bella was always so busy trying to get into my life, that I never ever stopped to think how it would be fitting into hers.
So, as everyone is crowding me in my state of panic, their soothing words and actions come to an end.
Step by step, the sound of boots hits the floor. Looking up, all I see is a white coat, fresh out of surgery. And without knowing I still have strength in me, I jump up and rush towards him. So does Rene and everyone else.
The label on his coat reads Doctor Jackson. There is no emotion on his face, a total flat-affect of the knowledge and understanding that he is about to reveal.
"Miss Swan?" He whispers, motioning for everyone to stay behind. I don't listen to his dismissal as I grab Rene's hand and finally look up.
She nods; allowing me to remain by her side…and then without a beat, Doctor Jackson begins to explain.
"As you know, Bella was in a car accident. She experienced a drastic impact to her head as she collided with an oncoming truck. Luckily, the paramedics got to the scene on time. Bella has being out of consciousness for fifteen hours, and her condition is deteriorating. She is in and out of cardiac arrest…"
"Please just tell me my baby is okay? Tell me that she will survive?"
Doctor Jackson, now looking concerned continues, "due to her head trauma, Bella experienced damage to her reticular activating system, a part of the brain that's responsible for arousal and awareness. This entails that there is no blood flow to the major parts of her brain stem. She also experienced a great loss of blood accompanied with swelling of tissue. At present, we cannot operate due to the increase in swelling and loss of blood. She is on life support, and her condition remains critical. Without medical assistance, your daughter cannot survive Miss Swan. We have tried our best. I am so sorry."
"What does that even mean? Just tell me! Get it fucking over and done with. Is Bella going to die?" Rene yells at the doctor and grips onto my arm. I stand shocked and incapable of moving. I don't know how to feel…or where to go. My heart, small-needy-empty, cannot beat, beat, beat…because it's reason is wrapped up on machinery.
"Right now Miss Swan, her condition is critical and that can either lead to permanent disability or an inability to gain consciousness again. The prognosis for a coma varies with each situation and like being said, there is hope for positive change. If the problem can be resolved, people often return to their original level of functioning."
"That's not answering my question. Please Doctor Jackson, is Bella going to survive?" Rene pleads once again, terrified and heartbroken, she collapses into my arms.
The truth is, I am too weak to hold us both up, so as we use eachother as shields from the truth, Maria comes up behind me and holds Rene. Jasper grabs onto my arm and pulls me into a hug as I cry. My best friend, without knowing, understands.
He gets what this love is about because he might be experiencing it too.
Doctor Jackson finally clears his throat and then says, "Isabella's condition is becoming more severe. Her body is relying on life support right now. Without that, she will not survive. The medical policy gives a grace period, but if her condition exceeds that time limit, decisions need to be made."
"How long?" I whisper, because I get now that Rene cannot speak.
"Well, the health official policy allows a ten day period of life support, Sir."
"And if she doesn't wakeup after ten days? Then what?" I cry between words.
"And then family members need to take matters into their our own hands."
"So…so you saying that you need our legal consent to pull the plug?" The tall man standing behind Rene, questions.
"Yes Sir. Bella will come out of the operating room shortly, once she is located into an intensive care unit, only significant others will be allowed to go see her. As hospital policy, we forbid the presence of children under the age of twelve to enter the ward. And I ask that you all remain silent. Because of your daughter's critical condition, you will not be allowed to touch around her face as it may disturb the machines…" the doc continues, but I walk away and slide down next to Alice.
She is hysterical, crying and taken aback. I pull her into my chest and hold her tightly, never taking my tear filled eyes off the door of the exit to the operating room.
About twenty minutes later, a nurse comes by and announces that Bella is on the second floor in the critical intensive unit. We all flock like traveling birds and rush to the nearest elevator.
I know that Rene will go inside first, but when she approaches the door to Bella's room, she turns back and connects her hand in my own.
I hold on tight and close my eyes as my girls nine month carrier and I step into the cool air conditioned room that keeps our hopes, dreams, and everything.
Taking a deep breath, and trying my best to block out the sound of my beating heart, I open my eyes and there she is.
My girl, laying closed eyes in white sheets, is unrecognizable. Her face, swollen, bruised, cut and harmed, rests on her back with tubes running from her mouth and nose.
The machine indicating her weak heart beat beeps every other second. Her exposed arms are as equally cut and bruised.
And that is it. My Undoing.
Afraid to touch her peacefulness, I stare and stalk, praying that this is all just one fucked up really bad dream.
But it isn't. I recognize the pain within me. I feel it and I wish I wasn't in love with this girl.
My fighter, my warrior and best friend is in a prolonged state of unconsciousness. Her condition is sporadic and unpredictable. She is alive, but looks like she is dead. And she cannot wake up.
The site before me is the true definition of surviving, not living.
And again, I cry and cry and cry.
Because I will never be able to survive if Isabella Swan doesn't wake up again.
Our time was never supposed to stolen so quickly and permanently.
Bella cannot leave this world not knowing how I feel about her. How even though my last words to her were anger-filled and terror-giving, I didn't mean a thing.
When Bella told me that we needed time apart, I believed her. But it doesn't mean I was going to give up on her that easily.
How can anyone ever give up on a love so strong and powerful?
So I glance at her unconscious state one more time, not wanting to remember her this way. Rene sits beside the bed, crying into the hands of her only daughter.
The images before me are sick. It is heart wrenching and pure thoughtless-uncaring-selfish.
I leave.
I don't just leave the room, I leave the hospital.
And I don't come back. I go home and lock myself in my room. And I cry so hard that I my chest begins to hurt.
Maria walks into my room, with a phone in her hand, begging me to take the call. I place the phone to my ear and listen. "Edward, we heard what happened. Your father and I will return tomorrow. Be strong baby. I am sorry." Esme's voice reveals genuine concern.
I don't say anything, I don't ponder on how my parents could have possibly found out. Instead, I turn on my phone and I am welcomed with message after message.
I type Bella's name into the text search, and find I have seven missed calls and one voice message that were all sent lastnight.
Lying with my eyes staring at the ceiling, I wait, until I listen to the only voice I ever need to hear. Her voice message was sent just after 7 p.m lastnight.
"Edward? Please answer your phone? I realised that no matter what, I will never need time apart from you! Please meet me somewhere? I really need to see you…I acted this way because I was confused. I felt that if I left you for a while, everything would become so much easier. But the truth is, it's not easier because no matter what, you and I were always meant to be together. I am so sorry. My intentions were never ever to hurt you. I won't give up on us Edward…We were supposed to be amazing."
There is a long pause with her cries in the background, until she continues, "please just understand? Please just…I love you. I am in love with you Edward Cullen…"
The phone call ends with a loud bang. And this is when I realise that it really was really my fault. If I had to answer my phone the first time none of this would have happened. If I had to fight for her there and then, Bella would be alive and well and not relying on life support to supply her with her next breath.
She loves me.
Again, I walk over to Esme's medicine cabinet, and this time I take three sleeping pills. I need to be numb. I guess it is the only way I will ever survive this day.
Because Isabella Swan admitted that she is in love with me seconds before her life was almost stolen from her.
I lay in bed with my phone placed against my ear as I listen to her voice message on repeat, until my eyes close and welcome darkness.
"I really need to see you"
"You and I were always meant to be together"
"We were supposed to be amazing"
"I love you"
"I am in love with you Edward Cullen"
In my dreams, I hope to never wake up. Because nobody is strong enough to live with this regret.
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I wake up to feel of gentle hands running through my hair.
Over and over and over again.
Images of Bella automatically come to my mind, because this is what she always used to do when I woke up next to her.
I squeeze my eyes shut and wish I can go back to darkness, but it is too late. When opening my eyes, blinking one-two-three, it is dark outside. My grandmother sits beside me, soothing and caring. Marcus is at the edge of my bed busy on his ipad.
"Ssssh…It's going to be okay." My grans comforting voice sounds like it is about to crack.
"Is she awake?" Is the first thing I ask. By now, Marcus places his ipad down and walks towards the other side of my bed.
Shaking her head, Elizabeth says, "there is still no improvement Edward. Your grandfather and I were at the hospital this afternoon."
I don't ask how they found out, but gran will understand. She knows the love I feel for Bella. She knows that her only grandson is dying just as much as his everything on life support.
"I love her grandfather." I jump to defence before Marcus can say anything. The last thing I need is his disapproval.
Looking all kinds of sincere, my father's father nods, and then says very softly, "we will discuss this all another time."
"You can't keep me from her! I won't leave her." I say breathlessly.
"Son...I am so sorry to hear about this. Why don't you clean yourself up and then we can take you back to the hospital?" Surprisingly, Marcus is concerned and caring, trying to make matters better. I realise that he is now in on our secret too. He wouldn't dare to complain right now.
I can't help but think that his unusual display of kindness is because he needs me to get over this future ruining distraction.
So with the presence of my grandparents and Maria, I eat and shower and we make our way back to the hospital just after 8 p.m.
The drive to the hospital is filled with silence and emptiness. Elizabeth sits at the back of the car, and her hand remains enfolded in my own. From time to time, she gives it a light squeeze.
Walking into Bella's hospital room, the same cold air touches my skin. I don't look at her.
I can't.
By now, Bella has being unconscious for twenty four hours. Rene remains in the room with Alice fidgeting in the background.
I stand in the doorway and take a look at my girl for just a second. The stabbing pain that her presence brings to my heart is unbearable, so I look away. Her bruises look worse, blue-purple-red makes my girl unrecognizable.
I don't look at Bella again, instead I stare at Rene who remains in the same position, never giving up. I turn around and watch as Marcus and Elizabeth are having a serious conversation with the doctor in the waiting room.
Alice comes up and pulls me into a big hug. Best friend cries into my arms, but I blink away the tears because she needs me to be strong.
Again, I cannot feel. The after effects of my numbness leave me functioning in limbo.
The hospital room is filled with flowers, and I wonder who already knows. The beeping sound of the life preserving machine, gives me goose bumps. I wonder if the power will switch off and how fast the generators would take to kick in. I fear that somebody might trip and fall, and pull the plug out by mistake. I fear that my girl will never regain consciousness.
But just as quick as those thoughts intrude my mind, they disappear. Because I have hope that Bella will survive.
She has to, because I love her.
The flowers that occupy the window frame distract me. Everything distracts me from looking at the only person I am here to be with.
For someone who was always judged, her hospital room sure indicates that she is well loved.
"Edward, are you okay?" Ally pulls away and stares into my eyes. Her puffy red eyes are fucking eating me alive.
But I nod anyway, and then I shake my head because lying will get us nowhere.
It was because of our lie that my girl is lying half dead.
And I hate myself.
So as my tears reappear, I walk away.
"Edward, do you mind coming over here for a second?" Marcus calls me over as he watches me leave Bella's ward.
Walking over, he stands alongside my grandmother and the doctor.
"Yeah?" I ask shaky, wiping my tears with my fists.
I feel out of touch with reality, like my steps and actions appear seconds before it actually happens.
"This is Doctor Gibson. She is the hospitals number one psychologist. She is willing to help you speak about a few things. Your grandmother and I fear what you must be going through, and we cannot bear to see you this way."
Immediately, I feel angry. I welcome my heated mood because it's an emotion I feel beside sadness. "Are you fucking kidding me? My girlfriend is dying right now and you worried about me? Screw you Marcus!" I yell. Because I am all kinds of hurt.
Doctor Gib… or whatever the fuck her name is stares at me in disgust, probably internally coming up with all kinds of reasons for my sudden outburst.
But who gives a shit?
"Listen to me Edward. If this doesn't end well we need you to be prepared." And just like that, I knew it. Even if Bella is to stabilize, Marcus will never approve. He won't say it right now, but I know he will sooner or later.
"No! I don't need a fucking shrink! I need Bella back! Don't you get it? Yeah, we were a secret. She is a Slummer, but I love her! Get it through your thick skull Marcus. No matter what, dead or alive, Bella is it for me!" I shriek, walking over to the nearest seat. Running my hands over my face, Maria comes out of nowhere and rubs my back.
And then I cry again. Because this is all too fucking much!
"It's okay Edward. God is with her. Just pray and she will come back to all of us." Maria whispers, strong to her faith.
"I need her Maria…she is all I need."
Maria, true to her word, stays by my side. I don't go back into Bella's room. Alice and Rene don't leave the room. But I wait by the door, and whenever nurses rush by or doctors enter and exit the door, I die just a bit more…because either death awaits or life looms.
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It's been five days since Bella was in a car accident, and five days since she is surviving on life support.
No sleep, no chance, no need.
Today, they will remove the orotracheal ventilator to determine whether or not my girl is able to breathe on her own.
I make sure that I am at the hospital every day. I haven't being to school this week, and I missed my very first soccer friendly. Carlisle and Esme are worried about me, and so is everyone else. I don't go home to sleep, instead I stay at the hospital, and when they threaten to kick me out, I go back to Bella's house and sneak into her empty bed. With the smell of her sheets and the help of sleeping tablets, I close my eyes and rest.
Rene knows I've been going to her house every night, she doesn't say anything. She is strong. The woman doesn't cry anymore, but she is at the hospital all day, seated beside her only daughter.
Apparently rumours are spreading around at school that Bella and I are an item. I deactivated all my social networks and when I receive a call or a message, I reject it immediately. Jake and Jasper have being here for me and that is all that matters.
I still haven't looked at my girl, but I am there, waiting and watching from a distance.
Love doesn't allow me to care for anything else.
Jasper has being to the hospital again, and so has Jake. They don't mention anything else. I'm pretty sure my father disowned me, because he doesn't come to the hospital, and neither does my mother.
I don't know if I was hallucinating, but I am almost sure I imagined Charlie standing in the hallway the other day.
The night after the accident , my parents rushed home from Spain and tried to convince me that what I am feeling isn't love. Esme cried, shocked that her only son has fallen for a Slummer. I don't give a shit.
It is just after 8 a.m on Thursday morning, and I am stepping out of the shower, getting ready to go to the hospital. Alice has being bringing me my homework and handing it in. The teachers and coaches understand my absence because my parents got them to believe that I am suffering from depression.
Because my father is a doctor, he wrote a formal subscription without really asking me what the fuck my problem is.
But truth be told, I am weak. I feel like I am dying inside while a contaminated needle pierces through my heart with every breath I take.
I am no longer living, but surviving on what little Bella has to offer.
My parents and grandparents keep pleading for me to talk to a professional, but I can't. Nobody will understand because this isn't their love to appreciate. I hardly eat, because I don't have an appetite. I have no desire to play soccer or even do school work, and I cannot sleep without the help of pills.
Jogging down the stairs, my life givers block me as I make my way to the front door.
Carlisle is all kinds of white suite and briefcase, saying, "Edward, your behaviour needs to stop. This girl would want you to carry on with your life."
I ignore, but he continues, "If you're going to continue to fucking act like this all revolves around you, then I'm going to take your cars away from you. I will discontinue your allowance."
Laughing sarcastically, I say, "Be my guest doc. Take all you're fucking shit. I told you that I am not giving up on her."
Groaning, my father walks up to me and forcefully places his hand on my shoulder, preventing me from exiting. "A girl Edward. She's just a girl! You are throwing your fucking life away and dying along with her. We did all we could do, we paid for her medical expenses like you asked, we were patient with you. We didn't question you because you have being lying to us while fucking a Slummer…"
And before I know it, my fist connects with my father's cheek. Without being able to control my aggression, I hit him again, until he shoves me away.
"Stop! Edward stop it!" Esme screams with all kinds of fear.
My father, stronger than me, manages to restrain me because I resist. Emotionally, I am so fucking weak and vulnerable. The girl that I am in love with is going to die and I don't know what to do.
"Edward! Listen to me! Look at yourself…" Esme pleas in-between cries.
"Why the fuck can't you be happy with who I am? Why!" I yell, pulling at my hair. "I am fucking dying inside! You know what Carlisle? Deep down I hate you! I hate this life and I hate this pretence! Bella makes everything real. She allows me to just breathe, and I cannot live without that. I don't expect you to understand but I will never leave her! I will give up everything but her." I cry.
"Son, this is not who we are." Carlisle tries to explain.
"Then who are we? Tell me? Who even made up this fucked up rule that we cannot be with Slummers? I love her and that is all that matters."
"Then just get the fuck out of here please. Go ahead!" My father yells.
I brush past my father and our shoulders connect forcefully. Before I can finally leave, my mother pulls me towards her and begs me to stay.
"Edward, please allow us to help you."
I leave. I don't look back…because I knew this would happen from the very beginning.
Walking to my car, Esme rushes after me, "Edward, please wait."
"What?" I yell.
"He's just mad. Give him time. I understand, Baby. I believe you." My life giver grabs my hands and kisses my knuckles.
"I don't wanna come back here, Ma." I whisper, pulling away.
"I'm so sorry." Cries escape an elegant woman as she watches her only son silently say goodbye.
"Don't you get it Mom? I am not the one who needs help. I am breathing without a fucking machine keeping me alive. Bella…she isn't. She can die any minute and it will all be my fault."
By now, Carlisle stands on the porch with an ice pack placed on his cheek. He looks angry but he dismisses my reactions, most probably claiming that I am mentally unstable.
"Let him go Esme. We did what we needed to do. He isn't welcome back here. Not with the attitude he has." He says sternly, shaking his head.
The smug look on my father's face is the last thing I see. I don't say goodbye or even look back at my mother, I leave…because Bella needs me.
Climbing into my car, I rush to the hospital.
The familiar route up to her ward has become effortless. Without even looking, I walk into Bella's hospital room and the bed is empty.
No flowers, no sheets, no body.
Beat, beat, beat.
And then like never before, I panic.
Because my girl isn't in the room she was in lastnight.
Without any strength in me, I rush over the nurses' station and demand to know where they moved Bella.
"Where is Bella? She was in room 207 all week!" I say as my tears begin to surface in my throat.
"Edward, I suggest you wait for the doctor."
Without knowing what to do, I immediately call Rene.
"Edward?" Rene's voice is empty, but with a hint of relief.
"Where is she? They moved her!" I yell in panic.
"Yes. They removed the machines…"
"What? Why? And you allowed that? Where are you!" Confused and alone, I stand in the hospital room that vacated my girl.
"We're on the third floor in room 302. Come along."
Confused, and so fucking scared, I jog up stairs to the third floor.
When I walk into the room, my heart melts with all kinds of relief.
Because there are no longer plugs keeping my girl alive.
Instead, she lays closed eyes, but she breathes.
On her own.
And that is all that matters.
So this time, I cry in hope and walk over to the girl I am meant to love forever.
When Rene sees me, she leaves Bella's bed and walks towards me to pull me into a hug.
"She's still in a coma but she can breathe without those machines Edward. My baby girl is fighting."
Watching Rene, and then averting my gaze to Bella's bed, I stare at her from across the room, still too afraid to go any closer. From where I stand, the bruises on her face are lighter, but she still has cuts and a few scars.
But I can breathe now.
Because Isabella Swan is going to survive.
I hug the woman who I hope to call my mother in-law someday, and then I whisper, "I think I need to be with her alone."
Rene smiles genuinely, knowing I haven't touched her daughter in five days. I was always around, but from far, not close.
As she walks out of the room, I take a deep breath and watch as my beating heart survives on the air that the world breathes.
Walking up to her bed, one-two-three, tears of frustration run down my cheeks.
I would do anything to see the colour of her eyes again.
Open, pure, innocent, guiltless.
Pale, bruised and out of reality, my girl lays with her arms on each side, exhaling the softest breaths.
I take a seat where Rene was occupying, and I gently touch her hand.
Her soft, colourless, gentle hand.
Immediately, the wave of electricity I felt in the very beginning, when I was naïve and cared what others thought regarding Bella, intrudes my senses.
My heart beats uncontrollably, and I smile, just abit.
"Bella…I gave you a whole week to wake up. You're late." Sniffing my tears away, I finally fold both of my hands over hers. "You need to wake up so I can love you forever. Please? Just wake up. I didn't ever give up on you. I was here, everyday, I just couldn't bear to see you with plugs everywhere." I wipe my nose, as my tears moisten my face. "Guess what? I watch Napoleon Dynamite and I sleep in your bed every night. Please don't hate me because I don't pull your sheets strait." Now, allowing myself to laugh between tears, I continue… "If you don't wake up I'm going to untidy your room real bad. I didn't put the seat down after I peed." Still, she doesn't blink, move or even breathe faster.
"Everyone knows about us by now. Can you believe Rosalie brought you flowers? You should see how many people were here to see you baby. Please just wake up. I promise I will be the best person I can be. Wake up." My tears are running down my cheek but I am too afraid to move my hands away from Bella.
But that's okay.
I stay in her ward and talk to her some more, until Rene returns. Before I leave, I take a picture of her heartbeat on the screen, and walk out with hope.
The next day, I return to school. Students, teachers and coaches don't question me. They all know, they know I, Edward Cullen, is in love with a Slummer.
And guess what? Nobody says anything.
Because they wouldn't dare.
Love does that. Loves gives way when we continue to hope.
I don't give a shit what my friends think, because Jasper and Jake, my true friends, remain by my side. Many people haven't spoken to me and I feel like my presence isn't appreciated anymore. Nobody crowds my car as I pull up at school, my team seemed to have lost respect for their fucking captain, and half the school unfollowed me on Facebook.
But again, fuck that.
Even though I am happy that Bella's condition is slowly stabilizing, I fear what will happen when she does wake up. I am terrified that she may be brain damaged, physically disabled or even have amnesia.
But I guess that's a matter of time. Until then, I will continue to have hope.
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It is now three weeks since the accident and my girl remains in a coma. It is early October and winter has almost arrived. I am back to the swing at school, attending my soccer practices and playing my heart out. But nothing stops me from coming to see Bella every night.
I don't give up. And something tells me neither is she.
So eventually, days burn into weeks, wind is replaced with rain, and time continues to tick, tick, tick,
I breathe.
I live.
I follow.
Because Isabella Swan will survive. Maybe not today, tomorrow or the next day, but she will wake up.
I had her heartbeat tattooed across my chest, her room is now my own, and her mother is more like a mother to me than anyone else.
My parents stopped speaking to me, and Carlisle sold my Mercedes.
But fuck that, I have love.
Love is enough.
So when I slowly stroll into Bella's hospital room, chewing on candy and staring into my phone, I experience the best moment of my life.
The sound of my girls laugh.
Bella is sitting slouched up, being spoon fed by her life giver, is awake.
I don't know what is happening, but I drop my phone and I stand frozen at the door.
My girl surprises me, because she smiles.
She smiles big and real.
And nothing spells love more than my name leaving the lips of my only reason.
"Edward?"
A/N She lives! Are you guys happy? Now...we gotta battle these life givers. Please share your thoughts :-)