But I needed to Fall Cannot Have it All

"Oh my God! Marie! Marie! Call 911! I'll go check on them."

Marie fumbled with her cell phone but somehow managed to dial the three numbers that she desperately needed to call.

"Yes… We need an ambulance and… Umm… I think we need the police as well. There's been an accident…"

"Ma'am? Ma'am… Are you okay?" Marie's husband, Vince, asked one of the drivers of the two vehicles involved in the accident.

"Eye-zzz oh-key," she slurred with the scent of Peppermint Schnapps overpowering Vince's senses.

"Shit! Marie! She's drunk!" He called over his shoulder as his wife relayed the information to the Emergency Services on the phone.

While Marie was speaking with the call taker on the phone, she moved around the car in front of their own towards the other one that had been struck by the drunk driver.

"Oh… My… God…" she gasped. "Vince! Vince! It's Addy's car!" She shrieked while completely forgetting that she was still holding her phone to her ear.

"Marie? What did you say? Please I still need your help," the call taker implored.

"It's… It's Addy…" She mumbles without actually paying attention to the question.

"Marie… Who is Addy?"

After having the question repeated to her numerous times, Marie finally heard the woman on the phone speaking and before she could properly answer, she started to cry uncontrollably.

"Marie… Please, take a deep breath. Please? I know this is upsetting, but I still really need your help here. Can you do that for me Marie?" The Emergency Services' worker continued in an attempt to keep Marie on task.

"Sorry… Sorry…" Marie finally apologized. "It's just… It's Addy…"

"I'm sorry; does that mean that you know the victim? Can you tell me her full name?"

Marie had started crying again and was finding it hard to speak. "Marie, please stay with me. Just keep taking deep breaths. The best way that you can help your friend right now is by keeping me up to date, okay? What else can you tell me about what's happening there?"

Marie sniffled back her tears and replied, "Yes… Okay… I'm sorry… Her name is Addy, well Adelaide Jones… And she's… She's pregnant… Oh God… The baby…"

"Addy? Addy! Are you okay? Can you hear me?" Vince called from the passenger's side after he had broken the window because he couldn't open the locked door.

"Vince? My… My side really hurts…" I managed to reply.

"Okay… Don't move. Help is on the way. Just hang in there."

Although I had heard Vince's warning, I instinctively tried to unlatch my seatbelt so that I could try to survey the extent of my injuries. The majority of the impact was to my side of the car, so my left arm was rendered completely useless. I could feel pain radiating from practically every inch of my body, but my mind wasn't clear enough to focus on any precise locations for the source of the pain. I then foolishly kept trying to move until I eventually slipped out of consciousness.

"Ma'am? Can you hear me? Ma'am? The patient is unresponsive!"

"Quick! Get the Sawzall over here! We have to get her out of there!"

"Say again Mrs. Everett? How far along did you think she was?"

"CLEAR!" I could feel a sharp pain in my chest, almost as if someone had punched me with an electric fist. "We have a pulse. It's very faint, but it's there."

"Stay with us… Come on keep fighting Addy…"

Cold air hit my face, but I couldn't feel the elements on any other part of my body. I told my eyes to open, but they remained glued shut. It felt like the stretcher I was on was being pushed through a noisy corridor, but none of the voices sounded familiar anymore.

"OR 3 is open."

"Her pulse is still very weak and her heart rate is falling fast."

"Stay with us…"

When I woke up, the room was blindingly bright. As I moved my right hand to shield my eyes, I could feel the undeniable pull of an IV needle in the back of my hand. I looked in the direction of this obstruction and saw a heart rate monitor along with a nearly empty IV bag and some other machines that I didn't recognize.

Shit! Okay… You're in the hospital. Think… What the hell happened to get you here? I thought to myself while feeling like I had woken up from a drunken stupor.

As I turned my head to the left, my hand brushed against someone's head that was resting on the bed. My left arm was devoid of any obstacles, so I gently ran my fingers through my companion's hair. I hadn't meant to disturb his slumber, but he slowly lifted his head and tried to focus on me through sleep deprived eyes.

"Lay? Lay! Oh my God! You're awake!" Dean nearly shouted as he jumped to his feet and lunged at me to pull me into a hug. "We were so scared! I thought I had lost you too."

"Sorry… I guess this means that I've ruined our chances of having a peaceful visit with Bobby this weekend," I replied while I rubbed his back with my relatively free hand.

He pushed back out of his embrace so that he could look me in the eye and questioned, "Visit with Bobby? What…?" We stared at each other with mirrored looks of confusion and then Dean's eyes went wide with recognition. "Oh… You… You don't know… Lay, you've been out for almost two months."

"Two months? So we missed having Christmas and New Year's together? And our birthdays?" I asked as tears started to fall.

"Shh… It's okay," he replied attempting to console me with another hug. "That's not important. Now, stay still and I'll go get the doctor okay? Just try to keep calm."

He passed me a tissue, kissed my forehead and then turned towards the door to run out and retrieve my doctor. I rested back onto my pillows with my eyes closed as I blotted the tears from my face. I continued to take a few deep breaths and soon my breathing was steadied, but I kept my eyes closed and rested my free hand on my stomach to further force myself to calm down. I must have still been quite dazed because I hadn't once thought to worry about the child that was growing inside of me while I started to rub my stomach absentmindedly as I continued to focus on my breathing.

"Ms. Jones, you had us all worried there for a while," Dr. Wingren announced as he walked over to the machines beside my bed to check my vital signs.

Dean wasn't far behind the doctor and he found a place at my left side again. He immediately picked up my hand and held it tightly but remained silent while the doctor continued his preliminary examinations.

"Your vital signs are looking very good… Actually they are surprisingly strong, but I still think we should do a CAT scan to double check on everything. That way we'll see how your leg is healing, not to mention those poor ribs of yours. We'll be keeping you for observation for a while, but we'll try our best to get you home soon."

Dean leaned in and kissed my temple. I could feel him smiling against my head while he maintained a strong hold of my hand.

"A CAT scan? But Dr. Wingren, I thought you said that we couldn't do that while I was pregnant," I questioned in a perplexed tone.

Dean and the doctor exchanged worried glances before Dr. Wingren nodded at Dean to speak on behalf of both of them.

"Lay… There's… We've… Got some…" Dean was searching for the best way to tell me something. I knew that whatever it was, it wasn't going to be good because as he tried to speak, tears sprang up into his eyes and his forehead crinkled with the tell-tale sign of bad news.

I pulled my hand away from his grip, but before I could question him about anything my left palm hit my now flat stomach again. This time when I rubbed it, I was conscious of the fact that I was no longer feeling the small life that had once occupied that space.

Through tear filled eyes I looked over at Dr. Wingren who offered a solemn "I'm sorry Addy" while shaking his head.

Then I turned my gaze to Dean who had silent tears falling from his eyes.

"No! NO!" I screamed. "NO! He said we would have a baby! NO! It's not fair! NO!"

"Lay! LAY! Calm down!" Dean implored while trying to get a grip on my shoulders.

"NO! Cas promised! He PROMISED!" I cried out.

As I continued to thrash in near hysterics, the doctor pulled out a syringe and plunged it into my upper right arm. After the clear fluid mixed with the blood in my veins, I started to become more subdued. However, my tears continued to flow freely.

"No," I continue forlornly. "He can't be gone."

Dean started to stroke my hair and he rested his forehead against my temple. "I'm so sorry Lay… We almost lost you too."

He had once again taken my left hand into his, so I gently removed it from his grasp as I curled into the fetal position with my back facing Dean. He of course wouldn't be dissuaded from showing me his affection as he continued to stroke the back of my hair. He then leaned in to once again rest his forehead against the back of my head while whispering words of comfort and encouragement.

"Dean?" I managed to question through my sobs after a while.

"What is it Lay?" He replied softly. "What can I do for you?"

"Could you… Could you leave me alone with Dr. Wingren for a minute?"

Dean looked wounded for the briefest of moments then he smiled anxiously and nodded slowly. "I'll be right outside if you need me, okay?" As I nodded, Dean kissed my head and quietly left the room.

Dr. Wingren pulled up a chair beside my bed and I sat up so that I could speak with him. Despite my best efforts, I couldn't stop the flow of tears falling from my eyes which impeded my ability to speak.

"You wanted to talk with me about something Addy?" Dr. Wingren questioned feeling incredibly awkward.

I sniffled back my tears the best that I could then asked, "I need the truth Doc… The whole truth. What happened? Not just to… To…" I broke down too much to finish the thought, but the doctor nodded in understanding then moved closer to my bed and held my hand.

"You were hit by a drunk driver that ran a stop sign. The driver's side of your car took the brunt of the impact and they had to use the Jaws of Life to extract you from the car. When they brought you in, you had extensive injuries to your ribs, abdomen and leg." He nodded in the direction of my left leg that was still safely encased in a cast. "You had a compound fracture that required surgery to reset the bone. We also had to use some screws to help keep it straight, so you'll have to be extra careful when going through airport security." I know that he joked at the end to try to ease his own feelings of uneasiness before approaching the topic he knew I really needed to discuss, but neither of us wanted to get into just yet.

I offered a weak grin in an attempt to show him my appreciation for his honesty and stammered as I said, "Dean hates to fly, so no worries there. But… What about…"

When I broke into sobs again, Dr. Wingren passed me the box of tissues beside the bed along with a glass of water. "I'm so sorry Addy. The surgeons and I did everything we could, but there was just too much damage and she wasn't developed enough to endure the blood you lost… Not to mention the trauma. I'm so sorry… I wish I had better news."

He allowed me to cry almost violently until I could ask, "We were going to have a girl?" He nodded as he pulled some tissues from the box and dried my cheeks. "Does Dean know?"

He nodded again and answered, "We… We needed a name for the Death Certificate… He said that you two had chosen one together."

I knew it was just standard protocol, so I tried not to focus on the words 'Death Certificate' the best I could. Although I couldn't help but feel worse because I couldn't imagine how hard that must have been for Dean to have to do all alone. Then after a bit, I chuckled softly to myself through the tears that continued to flow.

"Addy?" Dr. Wingren questioned with fear overtaking his previously concerned tone.

"Sorry Doc, but you said 'she'… That means that Dean won our bet. I was sure that we were having a boy."

He finally allowed himself to crack a smile and he let me cry a little while longer without interruption. Then he walked over to a counter by the door and picked up a small paper cup with two white pills in it. He brought it back over to me and sat down again before saying, "Addy, these will help you to sleep. This is a lot to take in all at once and you need to rest to keep healing, okay?"

I nodded and took the pills from him, but before swallowing them, I asked, "Before I take these, can I ask something of you?"

He guided my hand to my mouth replying, "It can take a while for them to take effect, so I'll promise to answer any questions you have if you take then now."

I complied with his wishes and then opened my mouth to prove to him that I had in fact swallowed them. He smiled softly and then I blurted, "I can't go through this again Dr. Wingren…"

"Again?" He interrupted worriedly.

"Yes sir… I didn't tell you… And I know I should have, but I had a miscarriage months before this last pregnancy after I was… (My voice unconsciously dropped to a whisper) Raped. I went to a doctor out of county because I felt so ashamed…"

"Oh Addy…" he sighed, obviously at a loss for words.

"I know… I should have told you, but Dean and I worked through it and then everything was fine because we were going to have…" I broke into a sob momentarily before I could for myself to regain composure. "So… I can't… Not again."

The doctor hung his head and I saw him take a slow, deliberate breath before his tear-filled eyes met my own.

"I think I understand what you are saying Addy. I was going to wait until later to tell you this, but the damage to your body… Darling, it was so severe that we don't know if you will ever be able to conceive again. I'm sorry."

I started to hyperventilate, so Dr. Wingren stood up and help my hand as he held my eyes in an even stare. He was just about to speak when I asked, "So… I'll never have to go through losing…"

As I continued to hyperventilate, he uncharacteristically pulled me into a tight hug and said into my hair, "Addy… Sweetheart… As horrible as it sounds, no, you shouldn't ever have to go through losing another baby."

I wrapped my arms tightly around his torso and choked out a heartfelt, "Thank you."

When he stood up straight, Dr. Wingren shook his head sadly then finally instructed somberly, "Adelaide, you should rest now. I'll go get Dean and…"

"No! Please… Not yet. I just… I just need a moment alone. Please Dr. Wingren?"

"Sure Addy, you rest and then we'll run a few tests, go for that CAT scan and then we'll see about getting you home, okay?"

I nodded as I sunk deeper into my hospital bed as I pretended to try to sleep. Once the doctor was convinced that I was trying to rest, he slipped out of the room almost silently. After I heard the door click shut, I hesitated for a moment because I expected Dean to force his way in against Doctor's orders, but when that didn't happen I started to cry with a renewed vigor. I didn't try to stop because I knew that I needed to grieve, for so many things. I needed to grieve the loss of my baby girl (again) and for the hope of a normal life. I should have known that 2.3 kids and a white picket fence was never the life meant for me, even though I knew that that was what I had wanted to have with Dean.

So I cried, heartfelt tears, like I had never cried before. Somewhere between the unending waterworks and my choking sobs, Dr. Wingren's sedatives kicked in and I finally did fall asleep.

When I awoke, the room was still blindingly bright and I raised my right hand to shield my eyes. As I rubbed my eyes, I took in a deep breath. From what I could smell, I was still in the hospital, but my right hand moved without the previous restriction of my IV.

"Adelaide?"

I ceased the motion of my hand and lowered it to my side. As I slowly opened my eyes I said, "So… I'm dreaming and that's why the IV is gone."

Castiel nodded and walked closer to my bed. "Yes Adelaide, you are dreaming."

"And even in my dreams I can't get you to call me 'Addy', huh?" I commented with a chuckle. I slung my legs over the edge of the bed and rubbed my left leg that was no longer in a cast and said to myself, "Yep… I'm definitely dreaming."

"Adel… Addy… I can't stay long, but I heard you calling me so loudly… What is it that you need?" The angel questioned as he stepped forward to stand in front of me.

"I need you to fix it. For you to put everything back like you did last time," I explained flatly, my tone strangely devoid of emotion. I surprised even myself that I was asking this of him.

He shook his head softly and replied, "I am not able to do that."

Castiel turned to walk away from me, so I jumped off the bed and grabbed his arm to force him to turn back and look at me.

"Excuse me? You are 'not able to'?" I questioned with a bite. "So nearly a year ago, we were in this very hospital and you were more than happy to re-impregnate me because I was 'supposed' to be carrying Dean Winchester's child. So what's different now? I lost my baby girl and all you have to do to put things right is to lay your hand on me!"

He cast his eyes to his feet and quietly stated in his monotone, "I am not able to do that Adelaide."

"Why not?" I asked as the volume of my voice raised to a near shriek.

"I should not have intervened then and I cannot change what has happened now," he explained calmly. Then he raised his head and quirked an eyebrow as he added, "You know… Free Will and all…"

Before my brain could stop me, my right hand flew up and slapped the angel across the face. "Fuck you Castiel! How dare you throw that back in my face?"

I know that my striking him didn't hurt, but the angel still raised his left hand to his face to rub his cheek with a look of disbelief. He then took a step forward and as he towered over me he commented in a low, stern tone, "It is not the role of angels to intervene in the matters of man, therefore I will not change what has happened."

We both held our ground as he stared down at me with his unyielding, piercing blue eyes. After several seconds, I reached out my left hand and gripped his trench coat tightly and slammed his back into the wall behind him. Before he could react, I thrust what I what I had been told was called "the Sword of Lucifer" so that its tip was touching the underside of Castile's chin.

His eyes went wide at the sight of it and he stammered, "Where'd… Where'd you…"

"MY dream, remember?" I responded with a sneer. As I held him in place I explained, "We've done everything you have ever asked of us… EVERYTHING! And we've lost practically everyone that we love while fighting for you and your kind… And now… NOW you won't intervene? Well FUCK YOU Castiel! You and your Father! If you EVER come near me and my family again, then you won't just be feeling this during a dream sequence."

I released his coat and turned away while saying, "Now I need to rest, so just get the fuck out."

"Adelaide…" Castiel started to say repentantly.

"Get out!" I yelled before turning back towards him. "Get out! Get out! GET OUT!"

"Lay! Wake up! Please wake up!" Dean was shouting over my screams as he shook me gently. "Please Lay… Wake up!"

I opened my eyes and met Dean's terror filled eyes immediately. Before either of us could speak, I threw my arms around him and cried into his chest.

"She's gone Dean and he isn't going to fix it," I told him through my tears.

He held me close as he sat by my legs. He didn't seem to know how to respond to what I was saying to him so he just held me close and softly stroked my hair.

When he didn't reply, I pushed out of his arms and repeated, "Dean… Castiel isn't going to do anything to fix this."

Dean seemed to be stunned momentarily and then he pulled me into his chest saying, "It's alright… We'll get through this together. Now, you just lay back and try to go back to sleep, okay? For me?"

I nodded against his chest and then he lowered me back onto my pillows.

As he started to stand up, I grabbed his arm and pleaded, "Stay with me? Please?"

He nodded then I moved to the right side of the bed to create an open space for him. After he awkwardly climbed onto my bed, I rolled onto my left side and hid my face in his chest while I continued to cry.

"Shh Lay… It's going to be alright," he repeated over and over as tears started to fall from his eyes until I fell asleep. "It's going to be alright."