What's up, everybody? So, as you can see, we're back, and this time we're getting into the good stuff! Now that we've properly transitioned to Bilgewater, the action can begin! But, ah, I'm afraid that Helios won't meet up with Illaoi this chapter. I just realized that I haven't gotten a proper grip on how to do her character yet. So, listen up: I NEED YOUR HELP WITH THIS. If there are any Illaoi fans out there who know how to put her personality down, then PLEASE HELP ME! I want to make a good interaction with her for this arc. I'm actually debating on making this arc a little shorter, just so we can get to the three-part battle against Noxus. I'll have to include a buttload of pirate references if I do. NOW, SHALL WE?!

I decided to name my dinghy the SS Banana Roast.

I have my reasons. Mock them if you want, but the name was fabulous. I even found some yellow paint to write the name on the side.

It was actually pretty big for a dinghy. It had sails, a small bed belowdecks (even if it looked a little cramped), and oars for when there wasn't any wind. There was even a steering wheel, looking like the tried-and-true cliché stereotype expected of it.

And, since it was absolutely mandatory for such an occasion, I whistled the Sailor Mickey theme to myself while spinning the wheel as I sailed down the canal, which didn't actually do anything. The canal water was flowing in one direction, so I actually just stood there while I messed around. But hey: who ever complained about an opportunity to mess around?

I was honestly a little nervous about meeting with Illaoi. The woman's intense, even by my standards. She can't help but be unnerving, from what I've tried to figure out. Her eyes just give off a vibe that freaks everyone out, and somehow she can make a great white shark wet itself just by looking at it. She also carries around a purse with tentacles in it. Thank gods she never used her phone, or else the Trial of Nagakabouros would've gotten really weird, really fast. For those of you who don't know what I mean, don't worry about it. Not important. In theory.

But, strangely enough, she hooked up with Gangplank for a while. I never really took the salty dog to be one for women, especially someone like Illaoi. But, it happened, and I was watching when it did. I have desperately tried to erase the images from my mind numerous times, but due to my memory it's proved to be impossible. Illaoi's muscles just made the whole thing weird, on so many levels.

But on the other hand, there is one good thing about Illaoi:

She THICC, BOI.

EXTRA THICC.

...I watch way too much TV in my spare time.

(And Raka just smacked me in the back of the head for the reference. What, miella? You know that you're the kind of thicc that I prefer!

She's blushing now. Score.)

Anyways, once the canal finally ended, I found that I had entered the bay I needed to be in. The Temple of Nagakabouros is all the way at the top of the waterfall above it, but there were a few creaky wooden stairways that made it possible to climb up. The temple was surrounded by tall walls of interlocking stones, which happened to look like the fanged mouth of a leviathan when looked at from afar. If you don't know what a leviathan is, Google it. I'm busy narrating, I don't have time to give biology lessons.

Plus, Illaoi'd been meaning to invoke the Trial of Nagakabouros on me for a while. I wasn't entirely comfortable with having my soul sucked out. It was fairly new, too. However, despite all the things that made me uncomfortable about Illaoi, she loved food, she loved fighting, but most of all she loved kicking ass.

Which made her awesome, as far as I was concerned. Maybe there was more than one good thing about her after all.

I found a little dock to anchor my dinghy in, and began climbing up the stairs leading to the temple. They creaked and shuddered under my weight, and I gulped in response. I hated these kinds of structures. Why couldn't people be bothered to build something adequate? It was either that or Illaoi just wanted to see if anyone was feeling brave enough to try. Applause...kinda.

I yelped as I was around halfway up, when a board suddenly collapsed under me, taking my leg with it. I felt down until my leg was all the way through the hole, my arms grabbing along the sides of the staircase for support. I had a fine jumble of curses to offer in response to that particular predicament, I can tell you. Illaoi had a habit of taking this trial thing a tad too far. I was going to chew her out once I established her as my unpaid intern. And oh yes, she was not going to get a paycheck like the others did! (I actually started paying Leona, Pantheon, etc. fees for their service once I affiliated myself with Demacia. I got super rich afterwards, so I was good for it)

"I swear, if that happens one more time..." I muttered to myself as I managed to get a firm grip on the railing, hoisting myself up.

And promptly falling down again, this time getting all my limbs stuck through the stairs.

"Screw this." I growled, banging my head down on the wood. It splintered and crumbled from the impact, throwing me into freefall. I yanked my axe off of my back, then thrust it into the cliff as I fell. It bit into the rock, slowing my descent until I came to a complete stop. Once I did, I grabbed onto the cliff with one hand, using the other to sheathe my axe. Then I began to climb, scaling the cliff at a far faster rate than climbing the stairs.

Damn acolytes with their damn outdated architecture... I thought to myself. Which was funny, because I could barely hear myself think over the roar of the waterfall.

I threw an arm over the edge of the cliff upon reaching the top, and heaved myself over, grunting with effort. When I looked up, I found another acolyte wacko staring down at me, a few inches away from where I was perched. He was a serpent caller, if I recalled correctly; acolytes that specialized in calling down the power of Nagakabouros to defeat their enemies. He was wearing a vestment made of ropes, varying in thickness and width. Faded kraken ink, coupled with the altered sizes, gave the impression that he was wearing tentacles on his chest. His face was covered in disturbing black tattoos that depicted a leviathan's maw. What is it with these people and tattoos? Maybe they should get Draven over; his tattoos were weird enough, he'd fit right in.

"Hello." I said. "I hope you don't mind if I climb up."

"You did not take the stairs." The old man rasped. "Why?"

"Oh, gee, maybe it's because they broke with every step I took?" I deadpanned. "Besides, I don't mind a good climb. Keeps the blood flowing."

He grunted. "Nagakabouros shows intrigue to men of your nature. The Truth Bearer will wish to test you."

"I already know my heart's desire." I rose to stand upright, towering over him. "I don't need the criticism of one of my employees. But yes, I'm here to see Illaoi anyway. Where is she?" If he was confused by my statement, he didn't show it. I can't say I was very surprised at his lack of response. Acolytes tend to be creepy like that. It's part of the reason why I always tried to prevent the Solari from turning into a cult. Yikes.

"She is not here." He informed. "The Truth Bearer is tending to her duties in Buhru. She will not return for some time."

I swore. "Come on, really?" I groaned up at the sky. Of course. Ooooof course. Ofcourseofcourseofcourse. Why just make it easy on me, ah? Things could be sooooooo difficult instead, and everyone else would have a good time watching. Why not? Doesn't matter what I have to say on the issue, does it?

"Do you at least know when she'll be back?" I pinched the bridge of my nose with a sigh.

"She will return when her business is concluded." The serpent caller replied.

"That isn't-" I huffed. "That isn't exactly helpful."

"Why do you require the presence of the Truth Bearer?" He asked. "Have you come to seek the truth of Nagakabouros?" Oh, boy. Here we go again with this "truth" nonsense. Illaoi's religion treated Naga like she was the only viable god in Runeterra. Any others were "false" gods, which didn't really make sense. Unfortunately for most, followers of Naga were rather stubborn, and didn't take no for an answer.

"Something like that." I confirmed. I'd have to play along if I was gonna get what I wanted.

"Then come." He gestured to the temple's entrance. "Nagakabouros will show you the truth."

"She'll just...show me? Just like that?" I tried to sound skeptical.

"No, child ." He snorted. "Not just like that. We must first perform the ritual."

Yay, rituals. As if that wasn't totally expected.

Believe me, standing in a circle while the acolytes muttered their mumbo-jumbo and beat their chests like gorillas wasn't exactly entertaining. Sure, some people might think that these kinds of things are cool, but as landlord of the gods I really didn't see what all the fuss was about. Why would you even need crazy dances to appease a god? Wouldn't a bucket of fried chicken and some Coke suffice? Personally, I'd enjoy that way more. But sadly, I was just gonna have to suck it up and deal with it. Oh, the divinity of it all!

And so, as the brainless minions did their thing, chanting "Nagakabouros-buhru-uluk, Nagakabouros-buhru-uluk, badda bunga boo badda gee ga yee, badda bunga boo badda gee ga yee (I'm kidding on the last part)," I waited in the center of the glowing blue circle they'd drawn, near an idol of Naga in the center of the temple.

"Step forth, wanderer." The serpent caller said, in a not-scary-at-all Magic Voice. Yawn. "State your heart's desire."

I rolled my eyes. If I didn't have to humor them, I'd have left a while ago. "Uh...hi?" I waved awkwardly. "Nagakabouros? Listen, I need to talk to you. It's really urgent, and so far you're the only one who can help me. Could you lend me a hand- er...tentacle here?"

The acolytes immediately stopped chanting, the circle disappearing from view. "Foolish child!" One acolyte said. "Nagakabouros knows you seek to speak with her! You must state your heart's desire for your life! A mere petty want will get you nowhere."

"Petty want?" I raised an eyebrow. "Is it not acceptable here for someone to speak to one of their employees?"

"You place yourself above Nagakabouros?" The serpent caller rasped incredulously. "Are you touched in the head? You place yourself above a god?" Well, I was said god's boss, so...yeah, why not?

"Enough!" The Hierophant (some higher-up within the religion, not important) snapped. "If you will not accept the truth of Nagakabouros, then you are unworthy of our god's company." He pointed to the door. "Leave!"

"No thank you." I replied with a frown. "I think I'm going to sit here and wait, thank you very much."

"Wait for what, exactly?" He asked. "Nagakabouros will not answer your call; you are not in motion." That was their slogan for weaklings, right there. They said that to just about everyone they didn't like.

Then, a deep rumbling shook the room, bits of stone falling down from the ceiling. The floor cracked, and jagged lines appeared on the ground, zigzagging towards the idol. It began to glow an ocean blue, eyes flaring with energy. Oh, yeah! Who's the smart one now, huh?

Tentacles made of sapphire light snaked their way around the idol, which began to levitate off the pedestal it sat upon, then began spinning rapidly in the air. There was a flash, followed by a loud crack.

And well, dang. There she was.

The idol had morphed into the head of a monstrous kraken, its head covered with barnacles and hardened skin, almost like armor. Huge bristled hairs stuck up underneath its massive mouth, giving the appearance of a beard. A lethal beard. With bits of fish and seaweed stuck in between. Ew. The mouth itself was filled with teeth the size of my whole body, an awful stench emanating from within the throat. The eyes were pure blue, staring at me intently. But then there were the tentacles themselves. Dear gods, they were enormous. It was a miracle they even fit inside the temple, which was pretty big to begin with. Each one was thick and muscular, huge suckers on the bottoms of each one, serrated with teeth (she don't play with her food). At the tip of each tentacle was a massive barb, almost like a giant spear.

"The Mother Serpent graces us with her presence!" Every acolyte immediately assumed a cowering position, bowing down on the floor with their heads between their arms.

The tentacles slowly slid closer to me, waving and swaying almost hypnotically. They got closer and closer, until they were almost caressing my face.

And, just as it looked like things were about to get ugly (with me looking like I was about to be strangled by an angry kraken), I spoke.

"Yo Naga, wassuuuuuuup?" I grinned, spreading my arms invitingly. "You look well."

The kraken bowed her head respectfully. She didn't really talk all that much. She didn't really need to, either.

"Come on, gimme some tas-SEL, girl!" I raised a hand to a tentacle, and we began our super-secret handshake that only the two of us knew. It was also incredibly difficult, since Naga had tentacles instead of hands. It was full of all the typical maneuvers, plus a few that we'd made up ourselves. I won't tell you what it looks like, because Naga has expressed her wish that it remain private. And who am I to argue?

"Man, you have no idea how glad I am to see you!" I said. "I've been trying to find my other pals for hours, and I've had absolutely no luck! Care to lend your boss a hand?"

Nagakabouros nodded. A tentacle found its way to my forehead, and the bladed tip ever-so-delicately poked the skin over my skull. A few fleeting images flashed through my mind, all of them of Graves and Tobias. The two of them were in a bar not too far from where I was, drinking and gambling their sorrows away, as per frickin' usual. Naturally cowboys would want to drink and gamble. And oh yes, they won't be escaping my stereotypical shenanigans. We were gonna have a rootin' tootin' fun time making fun of their accents!

"Thanks." I smiled. "That's really all I needed. I'll let you get back to business."

Naga hummed, which sounded like a whale on steroids. There was a flash of light and a pop, and then she was gone.

What? Expecting something more dramatic? Naga's a bit more focused on getting her job done than most other deities. She doesn't really have time to come up with elaborate entrances and exits like I do.

I turned around to see the acolytes open-mouthed and wide-eyed, trying to figure out what had just happened in the few minutes that it did. I guess it wasn't every day that their mascot showed up for a few minutes to chat with some random guy.

"Right. So, here's the thing..." I pointed down at the ground. "Kneel before Zod."

I was in one of my moods, sue me.

They didn't actually kneel, if that's what you were wondering.

They, ah...they didn't react at all.

I think I broke their brains.

So, y'know...I kinda just left them there. I didn't want to deal with Illaoi when she got back to find that she was the only functional member left of her cult. That would not have turned out well for me. I just figured that the most I could do was continue on my way and recruit Graves and Tobias. That sounded better than having my head crushed like a soda can.

The bar itself was in better shape than the first one I'd been to. At least, when I docked, it didn't have as much grime and gull crap on it. The name was actually visible too, although The Salty Dog sounded strangely familiar. And cliché. But hey, it's a pirate town, and pirates don't think too much.

Peering through the window, I could see Graves and Tobias with drinks in a corner booth, laughing their asses off while playing cards with the local mooks and flirting with the local chicks. And you'd better believe that Bilgewater has the best women around (except for my offspring and girlfriend, of course). I don't know what it is about the place, but they just appear to pop up out of nowhere. They can hold their liquor, too. They'd get along with Freljordian chicks just fine.

I moved to push open the door, but I realized that it was too drab of an entrance to execute. I needed something crazy. Something dramatic. Something stupid.

And I knew just the way to do it.

"EVERYBODY FREEZE!" I kicked open the door, making finger guns and pointing them randomly around the room. It was unexpected to the point where everyone actually raised their hands over their heads, except for Graves and Tobias, who looked stunned, but ultimately decided to cringe.

"See, now this right here's a stickup, y'all!" I put on the worst, most cringeworthy accent I could muster. I could practically see the goosebumps crawling up the Outlaw's spine. Tobias had an accent himself, but it wasn't as evident as his partner's, so he proceeded to regard Graves with a shit-eating grin.

"Y'all are under arrest!" I said. "By the Fun Police, for gettin' drunk outta y'all's minds and actin' like a bunch of salty hillbillies!"

People slowly began to understand that I was putting on a show, and drew flintlocks in response, pointing them at me.

"Well, blow me down, I've been mutinied!" I switched to a pirate accent. "I was only having a laugh, lads! No need to feed me to the sharks!"

They weren't laughing.

Graves sighed, then fired a round into the ceiling with his shotgun. The bar's occupants jumped. "Settle down, now." Graves said, readjusting his cigar in his mouth. "He's with us. Just drunk outta his mind, 's all."

Graves is a wanted man, but he's got a big enough reputation that Bilgewater's lowlifes (read: everybody) respected him to some degree. Or rather, the ridiculously large barrels of his gun. If you've seen what just one shot can do to somebody's head, you would understand. We're talking Hateful Eight levels of Ew.

"Well, howdy 'pardner." I drawled, sliding into a booth across from him. "Mighty fine day, wouldn't y'all say?"

"Goddammit, Helios, I ain't in the mood for 'yer yappin' right now, so shut it." Graves replied with a sneer. "If 'yer here to talk, talk. Or get 'yerself a drink and play some cards. Fate's been itchin' for a good game for a while."

"Says who?" Tobias snorted. "I'm pretty satisfied with my winning streak. Keeps money in my pocket, and I've never lost a game."

"Never played a fair one eith-" The Card Master whipped a finger to his mouth, gesturing to the men seated around us at the table. Each one was looking at me curiously, expecting me to finish my sentence.

"Er, I mean...you've never played a losing game." I horribly made an attempt to recover. "You're the best, after all."

Tobias glared. The message was pretty clear: I was blowing it.

However, the idiots amongst us totally bought it. They shrugged and went back to their game, which mainly involved skimming their eyes over their cards and shifting restlessly. Boooooorrrrrriiiiiiiinnnnnng.

I thanked the waitress as she brought me a rum, although the wink sent in my direction (and she looked like the flirty type, if you know what I mean) made me uncomfortable. "So, got any good scores lately, boys?" I asked. "Or was that one time with Gangplank the best one so far?"

"Yeah, we got a few good ones." Graves grunted, taking another puff. "Nothin' too serious, though."

"Oh, and smoking is bad for you." I replied, somewhat randomly. I snatched his cigar out of his mouth, and crushed it in between my fingers. "I strongly advise against giving yourself lung cancer."

"Again?" Graves's shoulders sagged, and his head drooped. "Gragas can have his beer, and Camille can have her attitude, but I can't have my damn cigar?"

"Afraid not." I said, taking a swig. "That's just how memes work."

"Why don't they have ones for 'yer hat?" He asked Tobias. "Or 'yer gamblin'? Why's it gotta be me that gets all the heat?"

"Maybe because I don't have an accent as stupid as yours." Tobias smirked. Graves didn't really have an answer for that.

"Now, down to business." Tobias leaned forward, putting his elbows on the table. "If you're here, and at our fair establishment (I snorted), then that means you want somethin.' Somethin' we can do business on."

"Observant as ever, I see." I replied. "Got any interest in a war with Noxus?"

"Hell naw!" Graves laughed. I silently cheered at the way his accent had warped his response. "We ain't suicidal! Stupid, sure, but anythin' but suicidal."

"I'm not one for open fights." Tobias agreed. "I ain't interested either."

"I'll pay you a helluva lotta cash if you help me." I replied.

"We're in." They simultaneously said.

I rolled my eyes with a smile.

"Y'know, you should talk to Sivir sometime." I suggested. "She was kinda economically bipolar herself. I think she'd get along with you two pretty well."

"We'd been talkin' 'bout that a little, actually." Graves grinned. "She's got a talent for lootin', and we figured that she might be interested in our little enterprise. She ain't decided yet, but we figure we can be patient."

"Well, maybe I'll invest a little in your business, just to smooth things along." I winked. "So long as nobody innocent dies, I can turn a blind eye to a bit of mischief."

"Has anyone ever told you that you're doin' a terrible job of bein' responsible?" Tobias asked.

"Surprisingly, no." I frowned thoughtfully. "I guess people just forget the fact that I'm the sun really easily."

"And how fortunate that is for you." He concluded. I shrugged with a smirk, and we briefly clinked our mugs together in a toast, taking a swig after. "So, about the job offer..." Graves started. "What exactly would we need to do?"

"Exactly what you'd expect." I replied. "Kill Noxians, defend Demacia, win. You get paid extra if you look badass while doing it."

"That, we can do." Graves agreed, raising his mug in another toast, because they're really fun to do. "To the stupidest damn job we'll ever take, and gettin' rich doin' it!" And with that, we drained our mugs, wiping our mouths dry with a satisfied gasp. You know, the ahh sound. For some reason, people do that every time.

"Hah." Tobias smirked, laying his cards down on the table. "Straight flush, boys. I win. Pay up."

"What-!" One guy looked down at the cards in disbelief. "There's no way you could've won! You must've cheated!"

"And what exactly were you doin' lookin' at another man's cards?" Tobias scowled. "That's against the rules of the game, if you didn't know. Sounds to me like you're just tryin' to get a cheap win." Of course, he actually had cheated. I saw him exchange his cards under his coat sleeve with new ones that gave him an advantage; the only reason I'd seen it was because my light-speed could keep up with his fancy hand tricks.

The other guy looked like he wanted to protest further, but with all the disapproving glares being sent his way, he had to suck it up and take the wound to his pride. And no, I didn't feel particularly bad about letting Tobias get away with cheating. It wasn't like the people in the bar didn't deserve to have a little money swiped away from them every now and then. The honest, hard-working people are the minority in Bilgewater. Everyone else is either a pirate, bandit, or just plain scum. The money they lost was probably stolen from someone else, anyways. Yes, it's true, Graves and Tobias have robbed honest people too. But as far as outlaws go, they're pretty fair about it. They won't steal everything you have; just enough to satisfy them. If you just comply and go along with it, you won't actually lose enough money to make a drastic difference on your life. The people who are that unfortunate, however, typically have it coming. When they rescued that Noxian heir a while back, took the reward money and the guy for ransom, nobody other than their employer really cared. He was a pain in the ass anyways. And when they broke into the Clockwork Vault in Piltover, they emptied it, sure, but it's where all the rich, stuck-up folks keep their cash.

If you're rich or stupid, it isn't going to end well. But if you're smart, you might actually like them. They aren't bad people; just don't like the rules much.

Hey, wait a second! It's been a while, and nothing dramatic's happened yet!

But don't worry, my sense of timing, coupled with the way the story's going, has you covered.

The door swung open, smacking against the doorway with a bang as it was nearly thrown off its hinges. "MALCOLM GRAVES! TWISTED FATE!"

"Oh, gods." I groaned. "Who'd you two piss off this time?"

I turned around to see a bunch of pirates standing in the doorway. At least, I assumed they were pirates. To my disappointment, they didn't have any of the typical gear (eye-patches, bandannas, etc.). They were pretty well armed too, for a bunch of rats. Their weapons looked like they'd been well-maintained, but they'd been better taken care of then the men themselves. As far as I could tell, they didn't shower much. Loose coats, torn hats and faded boots kept most of their filth hidden, but Nidalee had taught me a lot of things in Kumungu. What things you could tell by scent alone, for example.

"Oh. Them." Tobias smiled sheepishly. "They're what's left of the Wharf Kings. After Sarah offed most of 'em, anyways." The Wharf Kings were a faction of Gangplank's old crew, back when he was still the most terrifying pirate around (he actually keeps a pretty low profile outside the League; he wants it to be a surprise when he returns). Sarah's own crew had manipulated them against another faction, the Rat Town Dogs, and it hadn't ended well for either side.

"And?" I silently gestured for him to continue.

"We might'a...swiped their loot, after cheatin' 'em at cards." Graves finished.

I facepalmed. "You just said that in front of everyone else."

And sure enough, our "companions" now had flintlocks raised. "So, I'm just tryin' to get a cheap win, am I?" The guy who'd spoken earlier said. "Sounds 'ta me like you're the one lookin' for a cheap win. By cheatin' us."

Great. We had the latest victims of the Dynamic Duo and Gangplank's pirates after us. Because apparently things are never easy. Who exactly came up with the idea that hard stuff was cooler, and why are they running the show?

Graves sighed, pulling out another cigar and lighting it, taking a puff. "Boys, we could settle this like gentlemen, y'know."

Their aim didn't waver.

"Excellent." He grinned. "For a second I was worried I wouldn't get a good brawl in."

He looked at me. "Up for a round, Helios?"

"A bar fight, Graves?" I asked, replicating his grin. "You spoil me!"

I then took my empty mug and swung it into the nearest guy's face, shattering the glass on his skin. He screamed as the shards embedded themselves into his flesh, drawing a hefty amount of blood. Graves fired a smoke canister from his shotgun under the table, creating a cloud of smog that shielded us from view. The assorted pirates and gamblers began firing wildly into the smoke, but by then we were already gone, due to Tobias's signature card.

In fact, we were behind the lot of them.

I cracked my knuckles.

I'd always wanted to do this.

"Over here, boys." I said.

I glanced toward my companions. "Shall we leave guns and cards outta this? The old-fashioned way sounds really fun."

"Why the hell not?" Graves replied.

We lunged. All three of us tackled the opposition, and the scene quickly dissolved into sweet, sweet chaos. I elbowed one guy in the chin, then followed up with a punch to the gut. I flung him over the bar, and the bartender yelped as he went flying over his head. He knocked over several mugs on his way down, landing on the ground covered in spilt drinks and shattered glass. I ducked underneath the fists of another, then yanked his leg out from under him, and once he was down, finished him off with a kick to his head. Graves caught a guy charging straight at him, then used his momentum to smash him into a table. It split in half from his weight, and as he fell, Graves grabbed a Wharf King by the neck, and slammed his face into the booth, then the downed gambler.

Tobias himself was doing just as well. He'd always been slippery, and his cards didn't change that fact a bit. He ducked and weaved around his opponent's strikes, going for jabs to the ribs, waist and neck. He even used his hat as a distraction at one point, before introducing his attacker's face to his knee. Graves locked his arm around another Wharf King's neck, then hurled him over his shoulder and out through the window.

I noticed a gambler attempting to clock me out from behind, and in reply I swung a chair into his groin. Then, taking his face in both hands, I head-butted him as hard as I could, knocking him out cold.

Tobias slammed another gambler's face down on the bar, and dragged him across the wood, smashing assorted mugs into his face and flinging him off the edge.

Graves broke the rules of honorary combat and fired a round into a Wharf King's knee with his shotgun. As he cried out in pain, Graves swung the barrel into the wound, causing him to buckle, then rammed the stock into his forehead. I'd say I disapproved, but damn it looked cool!

I grabbed two of their heads and slammed them together, then threw both of them into the remaining idiots, knocking them over like bowling pins.

"DOOOOOOOOOOG PIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLE!" I yelled, and the three of us jumped sumo-style, straight into the tangled mess of limbs and clothing.

We landed on them with a whump, and without further ado, our fists started flying. I took the leg of a broken table and used it as a club, splinters scattering through the air as it connected with face after knee after ribs. Sounds strange, but basically it went in that order every single time I did it. Graves charged like a rhino, catching a gambler and ramming him into the wall, where his face was repeatedly acquainting itself with Graves's fist, until he slumped to the floor, unconscious. Tobias, on the other hand, decided that he preferred using his cards after all, and began teleporting all over the bar, using his cards like paper shuriken of death. I don't know where he gets them sharpened, but apart from Ryze, he's got the deadliest paper around. Or is it cardboard? Something in-between? Ah, whatever. Doesn't matter.

And in case you were wondering, the rest of the bar had gotten into a brawl too. They didn't even have a reason for beating the crap out of each other. They just wanted to. Bilgewater's funny like that.

"I call dibs on the last one!" I called out, as I punched a Wharf King in the crotch, then grabbed his arm and punched him in the face with his own fist. Why was he hitting himself, I wonder? Honestly, who does that? It's hilarious, sure, but I've been told it hurts.

"Damn it, Helios, that ain't fair!" Graves replied. "You didn't let me have my damn cigar the first time!"

"Shut it, Graves, you've already got another one!" I yelled, whipping my fist back to knock out another pirate, action movie style. "Besides, I'm the main character! I get all the good stuff!"

"Hell naw!" Graves scowled. "I'm takin' the last one." He smacked a gambler in the face with the barrel of his shotgun, then rammed his foot into his face once he was down. "You probably kicked alotta' ass on the way here!"

"Only a little!" I protested, as I knocked a gambler out with a mug. "It's kinda expected of me to do all the ass-kicking, you know! I'm in the spotlight, after all!"

I realized that we'd taken care of all but one of the brawlers, who was now available for a beatdown. Splashing rum into his face and pants (to make it look like he wet himself, thus humiliating him in front of the ladies for all eternity) and throwing him through the door (not out the door, just wanted to clarify that) sounded like a good idea. Graves looked like he was having some pretty good fantasies of his own.

Unfortunately, Tobias had already taken care of him, flipping a card in-between his fingers as he admired his handiwork. Judging by the various cards sticking out of his rear end, Tobias had gone for the ass, which was a prime target, in my opinion. However, this intrusion upon my and Graves's competition to get to him first, swiping the opportunity out from under us, made him a-

"Cheater." Graves and I said, unamused. The bar fight was still going on, but everyone else was too busy foaming at the mouth and punching to give us any notice.

Tobias smirked. "Cheater's just a fancy word for winner."

That's all :P

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