Sorry it's been so long, here is the next installment. I did have other stuff in mind to write about but am unsure whether to carry it all in with Ian's Smile or start something else so any thoughts would be awesome! Thanks for continuing to read what is essentially my scrambled thoughts put into a kinda coherent story :)
Lip's ringtone blared into the silence of the room. "Shit," he huffed quickly, fumbling with to get his phone out of his pocket. "Sorry," he scrambled, waving a hand at the rest of the people present, "I'm just gonna..." he continued, raising the hand with the phone in it to gesture to the other room. "Yeah, so..." he mumbled as he accepted the call without looking away from the tense crowd, "I'll just... Ummm..." Raising the phone awkwardly to his ear as he slowly turned toward the kitchen, The scruffy haired boy muttered a quick "As you were," before scarpering into the safety of the other room.
"Yes Fi... I know... Yes, sorry... Well went to Ian and Mickey's place... Because you were busy... Look, there's no need to worry... No it's all good... Yeah I know... No Fi, it's fine... I know... I'm sure we he was gonna ring you... No we didn't leave a note... Because we kinda just left... Well the good weed was here... Because if we brought it back there then Carl would try hogging it... Don't be naive Fi... Well anyway, even if he failed you and Vee wouldn't... Yes I know... I'll tell him... Yes... Jesus Fi... Yes, I just said so... Look I gotta go... Because I gotta go... Fi, no... Fi, I'm going now... FI, I gotta go... Fi, I can't hear you... Losing signal... Going through a tunnel Fi, can't talk now, batteries dying... No hablan Ingles... HANGING UP NOW FI!"
"God damn it," Lip sighed tiredly as he hung up the phone and slid it into his pocket, turning slowly and walking back into the living room. He stopped, frozen in the doorway as his eyes searched the other occupants of the room, all still stood silent and tense, most of them now looking straight at him. "Oh," he said clumsily, "This still going on?"
Mandy scoffed as Ian groaned and Joey and Iggy cursed. Mickey though, Mickey sighed and stood from his seat on the table. "Look, just say what you gotta say, do what you gotta do. I'm here and I ain't gonna fight back..."
Without word or hesitation Jamie stepped forward and swung a punch that caught Mickey square in the face. No sooner had his fist raised before Ian was rising from his own seat, Mandy throwing herself forward from where she was stood and Iggy propelling himself toward his hate filled sibling. Mickey pushed Ian back down, Lip darted at Mandy and held the furious girl back and Joey clamped his hand on Iggy's shoulder to halt his progress. Jamie raised his fist again as Mandy fumed and swore and threatened death from where she was being held by a nervous and struggling Lip. Ian was biting back his own murderous desires, but just barely, nearly biting a hole through his lip through want of hurting the man who was hurting Mickey. The red-heads hands were gripping the chair beneath him so hard he felt like his fingers would break from the tension, his eyes bulged out and staring murderously ahead of him, unblinking and desperately angry. Iggy, understanding why Joey had held him back but not liking it one bit, wanted nothing more than to stand and fight on Mickey's behalf but instead, he kept his seat and he kept his calm.
3 hits, 4 hits, a fifth caught his jaw but nothing much else, a sixth landed solidly below his ear. Mickey didn't blink, didn't retaliate, didn't go down. Jamie was swearing the whole time, his shouted words barely intelligible over Mandy's hurled abuse and Ian's gritted and grinding teeth. Eventually it was Tony who stepped forward and grabbed onto his control-less brother, gripping his shirt and yanking him back. Jamie swung again and missed, before turning to push Tony away from him. Once free he immediately stepped back up to Mickey, one fist clenched and raised and ready, as the other held firmly onto Mickey's shirt to keep him in place. Mickey didn't try to move though, didn't try to back away, didn't quiver or plead, didn't blink. But the contact of the primed and ready fist never came, Jamie stood before his queer brother for what must have been minutes. Fist aimed and ready. The two boys stared straight into each others eyes as Jamie breathed heavily in a bid to control his surge of anger. Tony approached again, slowly this time, cautiously raising his hand to tap on Jamie's shoulder and with the touch the spell was broken. Jamie pushed himself away from an emotionless Mickey, releasing another string or curse words as he swung around to lean against the back of the sofa for support, erratic breathing finally drowning out Mandy's wavering threats.
Mickey closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, a cut and bruise forming above his eyes and a trickle of blood from his nose. He'd had worse beatings than that, worse from Jamie even, his brother had been holding back.
"We used to be your fucking family!" Jamie shouted into the silence. Mickey tilted his still closed eyes to the ceiling. "What the fuck happened to that huh?" Jamie continued, turning to face the tattooed ex-con again, but making no move to advance on him. "What the fuck happened to us being your family?"
Mickey eyes slowly opened as he let out a dry, and angry, laugh. "Are you fucking kidding me?" he all but whispered, "I chose this?" He yelled back just as loud as his brother had shouted to him, he gestured between them as he took a small step forward.
"You chose HIM!" The other boy declared scornfully.
"Over dad, not over you!" The ex-con declared angrily.
"We were part of that choice!"
"Well we shouldn't have been!" Iggy shouted back before Mickey could respond, The dirty-haired boy stood from his seat and spun to face his two bigotted brothers determinedly.
Jamie looked desperately between the three brothers in front of him, obviously fighting to understand how the hell he was in the wrong here. Eventually the troubled boy sighed and all but growled out his frustrations. "Right or wrong," he said looking to the floor, "He knew what would happen. He knew how we felt and how we would react and he still chose him." He finished with a quick look towards Ian, who was still sat with his back to the room, unable to turn around when the desire to deck the asshole was still so strong.
"Jesus Christ..." Mandy exclaimed from where she had stilled in Lip's hold.
"Over US!" Jamie reaffirmed, snapping his eyes to his seething sister. "He chose that person, over us. Gay... Straight... Who gives a fuck! I have never chosen a girl over my fucking brothers!"
Ian scoffed incredulously, but Mickey's eyes softened and he felt remorse overcome his anger.
"No ones ever made you choose," Iggy argued desperately.
"So? I still know I'd pick family. Real fucking family. Every single fucking time!"
"Ian is family," Iggy proclaimed gently, gently but proud.
"No, he's fucking not!" Jamie yelled back defensively.
"Yes, he is," Joey answered boldly, standing and facing his ferocious siblings without an ounce of doubt. "And you know shit about who you'd choose. You think you know, but you can't know." Joey had thought the same thing when he first found out about Mickey, he'd been hurt and determined that he would have been able to always put family first. But the time spent around his younger brother and the man he loved, the time spent watching them just be together unapologetically but with a longing that even being together couldn't seem to fully sedate, the time spent watching them apart and seeing two halves of the men they are together, this time showed Joey that he really didn't have a clue. He'd never loved like that before, probably never would, didn't know if he was even brave enough to try, didn't think he even wanted to be. But if that sort of love did come along then he has no doubt that there wouldn't even be a choice. That choice would have been taken out of his hands the minute he looked into the eyes of that person and saw the hurt they'd experience if you left them. If Mickey left Ian, chose his siblings, chose his old life, it was crush the red-head, as it would crush Mickey. Beyond recognition. What kind of option is that?
"What fucking difference does it make?" Jamie retorted, "So what? I didn't have to choose... Mickey did... He knew he'd lose us but he did it anyway..."
"Christ Jamie," Iggy all but whined, frustrated beyond belief that the other boy seemed unable to comprehend anything but the black and white.
"No, he's right," Mickey interrupted. His voice was tired and resigned, his eyes were focused on the carpet beneath his feet and his mind was wandering the depths of his memories, filling with regret at every missed opportunity to show his brothers how much they meant to him. "I knew it," he confirmed sadly, "Didn't wanna think about it. Tired to convince myself it wouldn't happen but I knew it would and he's right, I chose Ian anyway."
"Yeah and I get that Mick, I get why and I don't fucking blame you," Iggy protested earnestly.
"Doesn't mean he has to feel the same," The raven-haired boy sighed. "Doesn't mean he even has to try. I get it, I'd be angry too..."
"Remember that kid who used to hang around the house all the time? Billy or Brady... Bobby, or something?" Tony piped up out of nowhere.
All eyes shot to the previously silent boy. Mickey inhaled again and nodded with an uneasy half smile, kinda just happy to have one of them talk without hatred in their voice. Mandy's face darkened immediately at the mention of that particularly person.
"You guys were like best friends for ages, till Mandy got jealous and accused him of touching her up."
"Hey fuck you," the Milkovich girl spat.
"What, he didn't fucking touch you," Jamie agreed cockily.
"Yeah and you tried to tell us that," Tony continued, talking directly to Mickey once again. "All we wanted to do was kick the shit out of the guy, didn't really care if it was true or not. He was your best friend, but you chose us that time," the older said simply, "What's different now?"
Mickey rolled his eyes sadly, unable to think of any feasible way to explain. He groaned and shuffled his feet, looking to the ceiling again before shrugging desperately and looking back to the lesser hostile brother. "I can't fucking explain it man, it's not like I wanted to lose you guys. I just always figured we'd be OK in the end, ya know. Like, we're the fucking Milkovich brothers, no shit can break us, not really. Before, with Billy, it didn't fucking matter. I mean he didn't fucking matter, I figured we'd lose touch eventually anyway so what was the problem ya know?" Mickey reminisced with a shrug, not even trying to push his point anymore, just explaining as simply as he could. Mandy had dropped the fake affronted stance at the accusation, mostly because it was true, and turned to her brother with an apology in her eyes that she realised he wasn't even looking for. Ian finally turned around to face the room, eyeing Mickey warily to make sure he was OK, longing to touch and hold and kiss but keeping his distance and settling for listening to him speak openly.
Jamie's face was still hard and cold but he was listening and Tony was holding him back from any interruptions with a hand latched to his shoulder.
"But this is Ian," he laughed dryly. "Ian fucking Gallagher." Lip scoffed at the incredulous tone Mickey's voice had taken, even Ian smiled slightly, looking at his toes for a moment i n order to hide a blush and the recognition of his importance to the other man. "I didn't want him to matter, to be so damn important. I didn't wanna be this fucking person. God knows I pushed him away, kept fucking pushing him away. But he just kept coming back, or if he didn't then I'd fucking pull him back without meaning to or wanting to or even knowing I was doing it..." Silence once again reigned as Mickey tried to collect his thoughts and no one else dared to interrupt.
"Fuck..." The frustrated boy growled, running his hands down his face and willing the words to just spill from his lips already. "I could't get away from him, I couldn't fucking stop it, and eventually I stopped wanting to."
Jamie's scowl intensified at that but Tony's hand clamped harder onto his shoulder and so neither said a word.
"It felt so fucking good, better that I deserved, man, I didn't even know if it was real half the time. Then dad walked in on us and it all went to shit."
Ian tensed and Mandy slumped. Lip lost all sense of superiority and Joey and Iggy instantly filled with something akin to regret. Mickey continued.
"He walked in and went fucking ape-shit. I thought he was gonna kill me, but that was fine, I just had to make sure Ian was OK, that's when I knew, ya know, that's when I realised there was no going back. When dad walked in and I could give a shit what he did to me as long as Ian got out OK, and he did. And I agreed to everything dad wanted. I was gonna marry some bitch and knock her up and live the perfect little apple-fucking-pie life and everything would be fan-fucking-tastic. That's the choice I made Tone, give up Ian and keep my family. But I didn't make it for the same reasons I did with Billy. I made it because that was the only way to keep him safe from Terry."
Mandy was all but crying at the thought of the suffering their father had inflicted on all of them through the years, Lip was angry for the past struggles of his brother, struggles he'd been too preoccupied to help him deal with. Joey and Iggy were shocked, hearing the depth of the truth for the first time and having whatever regret they held for not being there for Mickey intensified with every word their brother spoke. Jamie's anger had no dissipated, but a new emotion had started to creep into his eyes, a sort of confusion that could mean either good or bad things for Mickey, so the ex-con pressed on honestly, knowing there was no backing out now.
"Until it wasn't. Terry was gonna kill him, he paid the bitch he was forcing me to marry to spy on him, to tell him when Ian was alone at the shop and when he was Terry went round there and he was gonna fucking kill him. And when I realised what he was gonna do, I'm sorry Jamie, Tone, I am, but I wasn't thinking about you, or Joey and Ig, or Mandy or anyone else. All that mattered was stopping Terry from killing Ian cause nothing made sense with Ian gone. I fucking love him, OK, and I'd die before I let anyone hurt him. Just like I'd die for any fucking one of you. So I did what I had to do and I told Terry to go to hell and he took the choice away from me but you know what?" Mickey said, voice suddenly louder, lighter somehow. "I don't regret it, I don't fucking regret it on bit. I wouldn't change what I did, I wouldn't go back if I had the chance and I expect you to understand but it wasn't for nothing. You gotta know that. I didn't wanna lose you guys, but I did, I get that but it wasn't for nothing, it wasn't for fucking Billy, some kid who's just gonna disappear someday. This is Ian, he's it for me, we're it. This," he motioned between him and the stunned but smiling red-head, "This is real and its forever, its gotta be, cause its everything. Do you understand what I'm saying?" Mickey was pleading now, he knew he was but he felt no shame because he knew how his brothers worked, knew if it hadn't been for Ian he would be exactly the same as them, so he knew it was him who need to beg and he loved his family so begging is something he'd do in a heartbeat if it fixed even a tiny part of what was broken.
When the silence that followed lasted for more than a handful of seconds, when Mickey's shoulders started to slump in defeat and Mandy's eyes started to well with desperate tears and Iggy had to bow his head to avoid all the emotion in the room. When Joey held his head in his hands for want of anything more he could possibly do and Lip instinctively tightened his grip on the vulnerable girl in his arms in a bid to distract himself from the overwhelming scene before. When, still, Jamie and Tony stood without moving or softening or speaking and Mickey's eyes started to close themselves off from the loss of his loved ones, that was Ian finally broke. Fuck it, he thought, fuck pussy footing around two bigoted homophobes, fuck letting Mickey suffer alone, or fight alone, or fall alone. Ian threw himself forward into Mickey's space and swung an arm around his shoulder, he then lowered the arm to rub at his back as he leaned into his lovers space and whispered into his ear that he was here, that it was forever, that he fucking loved him enough to outweigh any and all loss of family.
It wasn't Ian's break that got a reaction, it wasn't wasn't the physical contact between the red-head and their brother, it wasn't the whispering or the light touch of fingers. What set the two outcast brothers into reacting didn't have anything to do with the younger Gallagher at all in fact, and had everything to do with Mickey. Because as soon as Ian broke through his boundaries, as soon at the taller man touched him, spoke to him, invaded his space, all the tension seeped from Mickey with natural ease. He breathed deeper, focused his thoughts, he even managed a small, barely there smile. And that smile, despite everything that was going on, everything that was at stake, that smile was what brought the brother's back to life.
Jamie stepped forward harshly, one step, then another...
"I get it," Tony all but shouted, stopping Jamie's advance instantly. "I mean I don't get it, get it," the older boy mumbled, waving his arms about awkwardly. "But I guess I get why it doesn't matter to Jo and Ig," he compromised.
Jamie spun around in disbelief, staring at his brother like he'd grown another head. "What?" Was all Tony managed before Jamie had all but growled and stormed out of the house.
Mickey let go of a deep breath he had been all too aware he was holding. His every nerve was tingling with the hope that what Tony had meant was what Mickey had hoped he'd meant. As Jamie left the house some of that hope left with him but Mickey held on desperately to the fact the Tony was still there. Silent and contemplative, but still there.
No one dared move or make a sound, too frightened to break whatever delicate balance seemed to have been reached in this latest silence. Everyone was nervous, everyone was confused, everyone was quiet and worried and desperate for any sort of indication. But nothing came, Tony didn't move and no one else seemed to so much as breath.
Jamie stormed down the steps, shaking his head violently to rid himself of the thoughts he'd been having since the day he'd found about Mickey being a disgusting pervert. A selfish prick. A disgrace to the name. The thoughts that asked him whether Mickey was really any of those things, because in his head Mickey has all been the best of them. The strongest and the bravest and the most willing to die to protect the rest. So much of his anger had stemmed from the fact that his head was torn between which thoughts were right. Those which Terry had instilled there that said Mickey was vermin, less than street scum, no longer their brother. And those thoughts which he'd gathered himself, the ones made up of memories of Mickey and his brothers, always being there, always fighting side by side. The Mickey in that house was both of the Mickey's in his head, he was the one who took bullets for his family but he was also the one who Terry reviled as filth. How was such a thing possible unless Terry's version of filth was wrong, was different to his? But Terry had been his only source of education on the subject, only source of experience. How could everything he had ever learned be wrong, but everything he thought he knew about Mickey be right?
Jamie growled as he paced up and down the path to leading to the house. He punched his hands against his head in an attempt to unjumble his mind. He scrunched up his closed eyes and pulled at his hair.
No he knew the truth. Terry was a lot of things but he was still a man. His father. And he was right, he had to have been right about this one thing. This life lesson that all of the Milkovich's lived by. The rest of it could be figured out later, the hows and whys and what nexts. This one thing that he knew for sure, this one certanity in a sea of grey, this is what he knew. So with a renewed determination, and a clear idea of what to do, for the first time in a long time, Jamie turned on his heal and stormed up the steps of his brothers house, that may as well have been a strangers place to him. He charged through the door to the still silent and unmoving room and walked straight past everyone who stood in his way. He pushed past Joey when he tried to block his path, he shoved of Tony's hand when it tried to pull him back and he maneuvered around Ian when he tried to get in the way. Mandy yelled something at him that he was too stubborn to hear, to set in what he had to do. He marched up to Mickey and punched him one last time, not holding back this time. He knew this punch would hurt, felt the crunch beneath his fist, but before Mickey could fall backwards or react in any way, Jamie grabbed a hold of his brothers shoulders and pulled him into himself. The hug was fierce and angry, over as quick as it began, Jamie pushed away from Mickey to yell so that everyone could hear.
"I'd never chose a chick over my family, I'm not fucking wired that way, didn't think any of us were. So this doesn't mean you're forgiven because fuck you for ever being willing to lose us! But Terry's right, there is only one thing we get to know for certain and that's what we've worked out for ourselves. Every other fucker lies and cheats, including him, but I know what I know and I know what I remember. Gay or straight, it doesn't fucking matter, you're Mickey. You're my fucking brother."
Without any other words or eye contact with any other person in the room, Jamie then pushes himself away from Mickey and turns to leave the house. Mickey stands frozen in place for all of a second before he charges after his wayward brother and slams him into the front door of the house.
"Fuck you for ever thinking any different!" He shouted ferociously, before slamming himself against the volatile boy in another brutal sort of hug. When Mickey pulls back he holds onto Jamie's shoulders and tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not a Milkovich because Terry is his father, he is a Milkovich and always will be because They are all his brother, because Mandy is his sister and he fucking loves them, unconditionally and unwavering, and if he's not forgiven yet then that's OK because one day he will be and on that day he'll buy a shit tonne of weed and a shit tonne of whiskey and they'll smoke and drink and catch the fuck up and all will be forgotten.
When his rant is over Jamie looks slightly taken aback, he takes a moment to collect himself then smirks a truly mischievous type of smirk and mutters cockily, "OK, so go get the whiskey, I'll get the weed, the stuff you get smokes like shit."
It was at this point that all hell broke loose. Mandy kicked Lip in the shin in order to get free of the stunned mans grasp. She hurled herself onto Tony's back and proceeded to strangle him from behind, albeit in a loving way with a smile plastered on her face. Jamie jumped up to simultaneously punch Jamie (affectionately) on the shoulder and smack (also affectionately) a still struggling to breath Tony round the back of the head. Iggy, on the other hand, ran straight to Mickey and jumped onto his back, rubbing and Jamie's head with his fist as Mickey tried in vein to throw him off. The once silent house was full of noise, awkward but honest laughter, sibling banter (insults) and choruses of "Get the fuck off me". Lip slumped against the door frame and pulled a much need cigarette from his pocket, knowing he ought to test Fiona to update her of the situation but, for the life of him, not even beginning to know how to explain it.
Ian, who'd been standing stock still through out the whole exchange, slowly inhaled a lungful of breath, having barely released the air he had forgotten he was holding in. He breathed deeply for a few moments, desperately trying to collect the few coherent thoughts he could string together. He slowly walked backwards until his legs hit the edge of something, he hoped it was a chair because he immediately fell back into it. He landed heavily on the the love-seat in the corner of the room and exhaled another large breath. A familiar laugh reached his ears and he immediately looked to the source. On the other side of the room Mickey had successfully shook Iggy off, Mandy was not attacking Jamie who was apparently defending himself by trying to tickle her to death. Iggy and Joey were all out wrestling on against the wall and Tony was awkwardly offering is hand to a still shaken Mickey by way of making up. Mickey looked at the proffered hand for a second or two before laughing outright and hysterically, Tony looked nervous by the reaction and immediately tensed when Mickey shoved the hand away and embraced his brother eagerly. Relief washed over Ian like a tidal wave when he saw Tony slowly relax into the contact, the big built Milkovich's face eased of its tension and he slowly raised his arms to pat, a little awkwardly, at the top of Mickey's back. Mickey laughed again as he pushed away from his brother and Ian couldn't contain the smile that eclipsed his face at the thought of Mickey finally having everything he ever wanted.
Ian wanted nothing more than to go over to Mickey and join in on the reconciliation, there was absolutely no part of the other man or his life that Ian didn't want to share with him, but he held himself back and allowed the man he loved to have this moment with his family, this moment he's been longing for and praying for since the day his brothers found out about him.
Jamie left to pick up the weed and Mickey honestly didn't think he would be back, thought the whole thing had played out in his mind and now Jamie had left the spell had been broken and things would return to how they were. But Jamie did come back. And it was awkward. conversation was awkward and stilted, even with the alcohol and weed loosening their tongues. Ian and Mickey were awkward, not knowing when to touch and when not to, in fact Mickey had more physical contact with Lip than Ian. Jamie and Tony knew they were holding back, they all knew it, and it was an elephant in the room that no one dared bring up. Iggy demanded a tour of the house for the new arrivals, just to give everyone something to focus on. Lip got another probing phone call from Fiona, he had to actually threaten, and then bribe, and finally all out beg her to not come over when he let slip the events of the evening. Tony kept accidentally making gay jokes, or what could vaguely, almost, slightly be misconstrued as gay jokes if a person was feeling particularly snarky, but blowing the apology completely out of proportion. Mandy was the most unperturbed by the awkwardness, seemingly going out of her way too push her brothers buttons, making comments and digs as often as possible, referencing the fall out of the actions of each sibling and pitting them against each other in as very unhelpful but comical way. For their part Tony and Jamie tried to act normal, asked questions and answered them, took an interest in the safe topics, topics such as work or guns, or films Ian and Mickey may or may not have seen. Unsafe topics, such as relationships or family, the topics Mandy brought up as often as possible, were strictly avoided by everyone else. Then the night, ended just as stiltedly as it had progressed, unsure handshakes and uncertain promises to 'do this again soon'. It was possibly the best night of Mickey's life.
Everything was finally in place. He had his family back, everyone that mattered, on both his side and Ian's. He had a reason to hope, from one day to the next. Terry wasn't coming back for a long time and he could finally breath a sigh of relief and let that sink in. There were no obstacles between him and Ian anymore, no tensions or reasons for resentment in the future. Nothing lost, everything gained. He laid down next to the man he loved that night, in their house, that all 4 of his brothers had now offered to help fix up, they were alone and everything was peaceful. The fucked, they made love, they laughed and they joked, then they fell asleep on the sofa curled up together, impossibly close and unapologetic about it. For the first time in his life Mickey wasn't even waiting for the other shoe to drop, he couldn't be bothered to worry about potential possibilities, content as he was just finally just live in the moment. Because the moment was not fucking perfect.