Title: Journey
Disclaimer: Everything that's part of the Harry Potter world belongs to J. K. Rowling, especially the excerpts from Harry Potter and the Halfblood-Prince.
Pairing: SS/RL, implied one-sided SS/LP, implied one-sided RL/NT, implied AD/GG
Author Notes: Hey, I spent a few great days in Disneyland with my sister and now I'm back with new energy and some panache! Pity Remus a bit, yes? Btw. I am always really scared of hitting the Delete Story button, am always very careful not to come to close to it ^^.
Kiraling: You are saying something there that has been on my mind for quite some time too, Severus just being horrible to Harry even though he's actually a good person ... he really has some bad sides, he is horrible to others too, Neville for instance. But there really are such teachers, I think we have all seen it ... And Remus doesn't like it either, you will see. There are also teachers like Slughorn and I really don't like him because I had a similar teacher who didn't know what really mattered and just ignored those who were't his favourites, well ... Much romance to come btw. :D
Guest: I hope you know that it is you I mean, since there was no name ;) Thanks for reviewing, I feel flattered and am glad that I could make you review my story, that gives me new confidence. Happy that you are reading!
Resevius: In fact, I quite liked that quote myself because it describes so well what Sev is doing, keeping everything inside, making it hard on himself :) And I'll read your Wormy, I'm really interested, just tell me when it's up ;).
Service
What with Remus's departure and Potter's insolence in the first lesson of term Severus's mood could do with some improvement. Severus hadn't exactly been looking forward to the Defence Against the Dark Arts sixth-year NEWT course, but he had prepared an introduction speech, like the one he gave the first-years – had used to give the first-years – in their first Potions lesson. It felt better to give the students an understanding of the subject (or rather of how little they knew and how much he did) before plunging into work. When he stepped into the corridor in which he had fled from Remus all those centuries ago he felt awkward and strange, scowling down at the queue of sixth-years who were waiting for him and fell silent immediately upon seeing him.
"Inside," said Severus and stepped back to let them pass him in a goose march.
He watched in satisfied amusement as the students settled down, looking around uncomfortably at the pictures on the walls. When he let his eyes sweep over the students he noticed Granger who was already reaching inside her bag to take out the book she had probably already learnt by heart. Severus wondered why she even carried her books around with her, uncreative, copying know-it-all.
"I have not asked you to take out your books," said Severus when he closed the door and the girl dropped the book back into her bag with a start. Severus moved to his desk and turned to face the students. "I wish to speak with you and I want your fullest attention." Severus looked around at them all as they were staring up at him, gaping and silly and so clueless. Severus let his eyes linger for a moment on Potter who was glaring hatefully back at him, the foolish boy. He had better take some advice from those who were more experienced and more powerful than him.
"You have had five teachers in this subject so far, I believe. Naturally these teachers will all have had their own methods and priorities. Given this confusion I am surprised so many of you scraped an OWL in this subject. I shall be even more surprised if all of you manage to keep up with the NEWT work, which will be much more advanced."
Severus started walking round the classroom, lowering his voice so that he could be sure the brats needed to pay attention to hear him. He noticed with amusement that they craned their necks desperately to keep sight of him, obviously uneasy with having him walk around behind their backs in the creepy darkness of the room.
"The Dark Arts are many, varied, ever-changing and eternal. Fighting them is like fighting a many-headed monster, which, each time a neck is severed, sprouts a head even fiercer and cleverer than before. You are fighting that which is unfixed, mutating, indestructible."
Severus paused, feeling much more at ease in this classroom which Remus should be occupying, without the fumes seeping into his clothes and his skin, speaking about what he knew first hand, good and bad, and unforgivable. He raised his voice a little.
"Your defences must therefore be as flexible and inventive as the Arts you seek to undo. These pictures," Severus indicated the respective pictures when he named their content, "give a fair representation of what happens to those who suffer, for instance, the Cruciatus Curse, feel the Dementor's Kiss, or provoke the aggression of the Inferius."
"Has an Inferius been seen, then?" asked Patil in an annoying shriek. "Is it definite, is he using them?"
Severus restrained himself from rolling his eyes. "The Dark Lord has used Inferi in the past," said Severus, calling his master the Dark Lord in front of the children quite automatically, and hoped they wouldn't notice that he had used a Death Eater name for him, "which means you might be well advised to assume he will use them again. Now …" Severus headed back towards his desk, the students' eyes following him. "… you are, I believe, complete novices in the use of non-verbal spells. What is the advantage of a non-verbal spell?"
Severus felt strange, really asking a question he expected an answer to, and thought that he was doing rather well. No snapping, no bullying, proper teaching instead. Remus would be proud of him, Albus would not be displeased. Hopefully. But when Severus looked around the room to see if anyone could answer his question and he only found Granger's ever present hand in the air he thought it would be very hard to continue this good balance. He left the others some moments to make up their minds and relieve him of the know-it-all, but he found that those dunderheads were just as empty-headed as he had thought and left him no choice.
"Very well – Miss Granger?" he said, bracing himself for the usual.
"Your adversary has no warning about what kind of magic you're about to perform, which gives you a split-second advantage."
"An answer copied almost word for word from The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 6," said Severus dismissively and was slightly taken aback by Draco's snigger, "but correct in essentials. Yes, those who progress in using magic without shouting incantations gain an element of surprise in their spell-casting. Not all wizards can do this, of course; it is a question of concentration and mind power which some," Severus paused and gave Potter a very obvious look, sure that the boy would fail dismally at such subtle magic – the wizarding world had much to worry about, "lack."
Potter stared back at him, unyielding, and still his mind was open and he was just as insensible as he had been when Severus had been trying to teach him to close it for his own sake. Severus wanted to win this staring match, but he had had enough of this green gaze and he was unwilling to bear it any longer, so he looked away and continued, "You will divide into pairs. One partner will attempt to jinx the other without speaking. The other will attempt to repel the jinx in equal silence. Carry on."
What the students showed him was worse than dismal, Severus had a lot of work ahead of him. Some actually thought he wouldn't notice that they were whispering the incantations while trying not to move their lips, others almost suffocated in the attempt to press their spell from their brain to their wand and out of its tip. Only Granger managed to cast her spell without speaking and Severus ignored her stubbornly. He took much more pleasure in mocking than in complimenting. So, he moved on and lingered with Potter and Weasley. There was always something or other to criticise with the two of them.
Weasley was already turning purple with the effort of keeping his mouth shut while simultaneously trying to speak. Severus moved forward. "Pathetic, Weasley. Here – let me show you –" he said and turned so fast that Potter had no opportunity to concentrate on non-verbal spells, thinking 'Impedimenta!'
But Potter reacted more quickly than Severus had expected and shouted "Protego!", knocking Severus off-balance with the force of it. He stumbled against a desk and the noise caused everyone to look around. Severus dared them all to laugh, just one tiny little snigger and they would pay! He straightened up, furious, and scowled down at the insolent boy.
"Do you remember me telling you we are practising non-verbal spells, Potter?"
"Yes," said Potter stiffly.
"Yes sir," retorted Severus irritably.
"There's no need to call me 'sir', Professor," the boy shot at him and Severus saw how a split second later he realised what he had said and regretted his lack of control. Well, had he only listened to Severus before, he would have been spared detention. A few people gasped at his impertinence, and Severus would not let him feel a great hero for showing Severus cheek. Oh, no!
"Detention, Saturday night, my office," said Severus as levelly as he could while boiling inside with the anger Potter's disrespect always incited in him. Who did Potter think he was? Oh, but of course, the Chosen One. How much more inflated could his head get? "I do not take cheek from anyone, Potter … not even the Chosen One."
It left Severus fuming and at the same time satisfied for having given Potter his first detention in the first week of term. The Hufflepuff second-years and Ravenclaw third-years that followed the NEWT course were all terrified by the end of their lessons, casting paranoid looks over their shoulders as they hurried out of Severus's classroom. Severus felt slightly more confident. But when he descended to the dungeons he found the corridors smelling like licorice, and tea, and moist soil, ensnaring him as he stumbled down the narrow staircase, his senses alive with Remus's scent, his eyes searching for the werewolf who must be standing around a bend no doubt, waiting for him.
But when Severus had turned the last corner there was to turn he had arrived in the Potions corridor without having seen Remus at all, there was no werewolf to be found even though his scent was stronger than before. Severus sank against the wall, disappointed, feeling foolish for having been lured down here by Slughorn's Amortentia like a rat by the Pied Piper of Hamelin. He heaved a heavy sigh that turned into a frustrated outcry halfway. A severe mistake.
"Hello?" said a voice from within Severus's old classroom and before Severus had a chance to recover from the knee-weakening influence of Remus's scent, Slughorn shot out of the door faster than Severus would have expected him to be with the huge walrus belly he was carrying around with him. But Slughorn always loved a chance to force himself on everyone who couldn't get away quickly enough. "Ah, Severus, what a pleasant surprise!" he cried, his enormous belly vibrating, and Severus straightened up as fast as he could. But Slughorn had already noticed his undignified posture. "Has my Amortentia attracted you? I rather like to keep it around, it is much more pleasant to smell than explosion fumes, don't you agree?"
Severus jerked his head and inhaled deeply, despite himself, relaxing at first, then tensing again because he hated having the scent to smell, but not the man to touch. "Let me guess …" said Severus slowly, "pineapple?"
Slughorn laughed boomingly and the droning sound of it echoed deafeningly through the corridor. "Quite right, Severus, quite right!" he said and closed the door behind him, approaching Severus who was still rooted to the spot, appreciating and cursing the gradual dissolving of the smell. "And may I ask what you smell, m'boy?"
Severus was turned by Slughorn's hand on his shoulder and couldn't quite find the strength to resist Slughorn as he pushed him forward and back into the direction he had come from. "You can ask, but must not expect an answer," said Severus stiffly, even though the combined ingredients that made Remus's scent would have told Slughorn nothing had Severus listed them separately. No one had any business knowing what he smelled when Amortentia's fumes reached his nose. What did Remus smell? Did he possibly smell Severus? Was that pleasant?
"Still the same, still the same," repeated Slughorn cordially and Severus rolled his eyes. Insolent. He didn't know him at all. "You know, Severus, today was my first lesson with Harry Potter!"
"I'm sure there was not only Potter in your class?" replied Severus lazily, tired of all the people who loved Potter for his ridiculous fame.
"Of course not, Severus, but, you know, Harry Potter," said Slughorn in a caught-in-the-act chuckle, "it must have been quite an honour to be referred to as Potter's teacher!"
"I take pride in being referred to as Potions master," growled Severus, not really believing that Slughorn would think that James Potter's son could give him a feeling of honour. But then again, Slughorn had never really paid attention to his less popular students.
"But it is such a pleasure, teaching the boy!" said Slughorn, nudging Severus as they ascended the stairs to the Entrance Hall.
"Personally, I always found it a nuisance," said Severus, and remembering that Potter was still in his classes he added, "I still do."
"Oh, well, I shouldn't be surprised," said Slughorn thoughtfully, "you were always hard to impress."
They walked on in silence for a few moments, until Slughorn, who appeared to be struggling with words that seemed too impolite to utter, noticed that they had almost reached the Entrance Hall. He stopped Severus and lowered his voice as if speaking to a dying person, casting furtive looks up and down the staircase.
"You know, Severus," he said in almost a whisper, giving him a grave and ridiculously confidential look, "I always wanted to tell you, I never believed in the rumours that were spread about you when He Who Must Not Be Named disappeared, I always thought it was outrageous that they arrested you!"
Severus raised an eyebrow and allowed his eyes to wander a bit before returning to Slughorn's face. Uncomfortable. "Is that so?" he asked skeptically, imagining Slughorn already giving an interview to the editor of the Daily Prophet about being a Death Eater's teacher.
"Well, of course! I've known you for such a long time, I never believed that you could … I mean, boys make mistakes, don't they, but …" Severus twisted his left arm while Slughorn was searching for the right words, feeling exposed and uncomfortable with the whole conversation. "I knew that you were innocent. Placing you in court! Outrageous, indeed! I know you, after all!"
"Do you?" said Severus quietly and continued up the stairs ungratefully, leaving a startled Slughorn behind. He didn't like it when people declared that they knew him. Because they didn't. And it wasn't very tactful to mention Severus's courtroom experience. It hadn't been pleasant. Nothing had been pleasant back then. Severus slouched into the Great Hall to dinner, having completely forgotten that he didn't want to have dinner at all. In fact, he had wanted to get into his rooms to wait for Remus's Patronus. If the werewolf was still capable of waving a wand. Severus's treacherous stomach churned. Why worry about someone who had chosen his own fate knowingly? Because … Severus fell into his chair and almost bent the fork when he waited for dinner to appear. Because you need him.
But Severus's care was not rewarded. There was no Patronus waiting to be received when he returned to his rooms after dinner, and all night, though Severus waited, Remus didn't send word. Severus tried denying for a few hours that he was in absolute distress, then he gave in to horrifying images of Remus's severed head, sent in a parcel to Dumbledore. And if the shock didn't kill Albus, Severus would strangle him. He had asked for being killed, after all, surely he wouldn't be too disgruntled at being killed a little earlier.
But neither did Albus receive a parcel with an extraordinarily handsome head in it, nor did Severus receive a Patronus. He swore to himself to slap the werewolf as soon as he had him in reach again, and knew at the same time that he would need all self-control not to hug him. Severus tried to distract himself by watching Draco, who was paler even than usual and always glancing around him as if to make sure he wasn't being watched – not very effectively. But Severus did not have the impression that he was doing anything forbidden yet.
More than in any other year, Severus felt separated from the other teachers, especially when Slughorn was around. For a while he could forget what only Albus and he knew, but his thoughts always moved that way at a certain point. And looking into the others' faces seemed harder than ever, now that he had a secret to keep that was more horrible than any of them – or Severus himself – could bear and that he could not tell, even though could barely keep to himself. Severus was surprised that in Remus's presence it had up to now proved relatively easy to keep it to himself, because Remus asked no questions and was careful to avoid giving him the feeling that he was curious.
"Severus."
Severus looked at his hands, wishing he knew, he were convinced that the purpose was worth the sacrifice. The sacrifice of being loathed, despised, eyed like a criminal once more. He didn't care about the Order or anyone else, really, maybe a bit about McGonagall, but what really made him plan mutiny was a werewolf who was hopefully still in possession of his head. It would be a pity to lose such a very becoming head.
"Severus?"
Severus snapped out of his thoughts and looked up at Albus, who was standing before him with an inquiring twinkle in his blue eyes. Surely he had as many different twinkles as Remus had smiles. "Yes?" said Severus a little less harshly than he had meant. Albus sat down and surveyed him over his glasses.
"Are you thinking of pleasant things?"
Severus gave him a startled look. Since when was Albus so bad at reading expressions? He glanced at Albus's shriveled hand. "Is there anything you want?"
"Yes, indeed," said Albus briskly, "I heard that you have already given Harry detention?"
Severus glared warningly up at him. "Yes, and he deserved it! I shall not allow him to run away unscathed after having been cheeky and disrespectful!"
Albus smiled. "Oh, no, I don't want to tell you to take it back, I want to tell you that this Saturday is slightly inconvenient …"
"Meaning?" asked Severus suspiciously. "Does he have an interview with the Prophet that day? You will forgive me, if I do not care."
Albus chuckled. "It is not a reporter that Harry is going to see on Saturday. It is me. I am going to start his lessons."
"Oh," said Severus, leaning forward, "and will you tell me what you are going to teach him?"
Albus averted his eyes. Curious. "Well, just what he will need for the future."
Severus scowled again. "I see, well," he said jerkily, "but I shall not allow Potter to skive off his detention!"
"Of course not, Severus," said Albus, shaking his head. "But if you would be so kind as to postpone it, for a week, maybe? Next Saturday will be just as unpleasant to Harry as this Saturday would be."
Severus huffed and waved a dismissive hand, looking out of the window over the dark grounds. His thoughts drifted immediately back to Remus. It would be the full moon next week. He wondered what the werewolf would be doing then. He would soon find out.
"Forgive me, Severus, I couldn't get away sooner and you were right, they get angry if you use your wand too much."
"What have they done to you?"
Severus had opened the door to his quarters after a very frustrating Friday had finally come to an end, only to find a werewolf sitting on the back of his sofa, robes dirty, shoulders hanging, eyelids drooping, hair disheveled, cheek bruised. Badly bruised. An ugly shade of dark blue. He smiled nonetheless, his customary smile, the one that was plastered on his face whenever he should actually be weeping. He waved a scratched hand at Severus, as if he wanted to wipe away his worry.
"I'm fine," he said and winced when his smile threatened to reach his eyes. "I thought you could heal this for me."
He pointed at his cheek and Severus wondered whether it might be broken. He stepped closer and gripped Remus's chin to tilt his face up and take a look at it. Remus winced again and his weak hands seized Severus's robes. "Have I not told you to keep your mouth shut?" snapped Severus, taking out his wand. "You provoked a fight, didn't you?"
"I did no such thing …" replied Remus quietly, though not quite convincing even himself. "I think …"
Severus snorted and tapped Remus's cheek with the tip of his wand. "They are unpredictable," he muttered as he watched the bruise on Remus's cheek shrink and disappear. "And while you are on holiday in the forest, getting yourself punched, I am sitting here, alone among morons."
Remus chuckled, rubbing his cheek tentatively. "And now you aren't?" he asked jokingly holding out his scratched hands to Severus.
"You are an unreasonable dunderhead," said Severus, tapping each of Remus's hands in turn as the werewolf gave an ironic bow. "But as you are the only one …" Severus trailed off when Remus took his hands into his and looked into his eyes. The gold that was swirling within was as hypnotising as ever, giving Severus the feeling that he was falling forward into its warmth. He averted his eyes and stared at their hands. It was dangerous to let himself fall. He tried to free his hands from Remus's, but the werewolf held them tightly.
"The only what?" asked he quietly. "Please tell me, I want to know."
"Don't be silly," said Severus, his harshness deserting him treacherously. "You know what."
He let his eyes wander awkwardly, never looking into Remus's face. Out of the corner of his eye he could see the werewolf smiling. "But what if I don't?" he pressed on. "What if I leave and don't know what you wanted to say?"
Severus grumbled and turned away from him. For a moment he had had the feeling that Remus was trying to get something completely other out of him. Something Severus wouldn't say, even though he felt the urge to say it more and more, even though he felt like an unreasonable dunderhead himself. He realised he had never even told Remus that he enjoyed his presence. Especially when he was coming up so close behind him and his arms were encircling Severus's waist. And because Remus knew him he said, "Maybe I just let someone punch me so I could come to you and let you heal my wounds."
"There's no need for that," muttered Severus, "I … it is a pleasure to me when you …" He stopped talking when Remus squeezed him affectionately and found it just as difficult as on the first day to tell Remus about his feelings. And for a second or so he threatened to choke on the secrets that were crawling up his throat, ramming their tiny claws into his flesh. "You are the only one I want to have around me."
"Really?" asked Remus softly, letting go of him. "I wouldn't like to think that you are feeling uncomfortable at Hogwarts."
"That's nothing new," muttered Severus, turning towards him. Remus was making himself comfortable, shedding his robes to fall onto the sofa, undoing the topmost buttons of his shirt. Severus joined him and let Remus take his hand very willingly. "McGonagall keeps smiling at me!"
"How impertinent!" said Remus sarcastically.
Severus grumbled. "Slughorn told me that he never believed I was guilty when they arrested me!"
"How could he?" said Remus in a mock scandalised voice but couldn't suppress a grin.
"Everyone wished me luck with my new post, and they were being sincere!" concluded Severus and Remus already made to make another reply but chuckled instead and shook his head in confusion.
"That sounds as if everyone is treating you very nicely this year, Severus," he said. "I don't understand what you are trying to say."
"It isn't real," said Severus matter-of-factly. "They look at me but don't see me. Slughorn might actually believe I was innocent, McGonagall just sees that misled boy in me, unknowing what I've done … and the rest of them are absolutely ignorant of who I am …"
"Would you like them to know you?" asked Remus quietly and Severus wasn't quite sure if Remus thought it a good idea or a bad one. Even though Remus was the one who was always trying to convince him that he was a good person. How hard would it be on him to find out that he wasn't? Was there no other way than to make Remus believe that? Remus would … it was no use to think about it. Albus had made up his mind.
"No," said Severus, "I've merely realised that only you can look at me and smile and … it doesn't annoy me … because you know …" He looked at Remus who was watching him intently. He met his gaze for only a few seconds before looking away again. No, not even Remus knew everything now, not even with him could he be honest. He hated Albus, hated him for taking away …
"I know you," said Remus, "I know who you are. Is that why you only want me around?"
Severus heard the slightly disappointed tone in Remus's voice and he felt oddly cornered. "If that isn't enough for you, I might add that you are quite acceptable company," he said drily, glancing at the werewolf who laughed softly. The vibration of his chest made his shirt slip and Severus's eyes were drawn to the exposed skin. He raised his hand to touch it but when Remus spoke he stopped in his tracks, ripped out of his trance.
"I'm glad that you think so," said Remus, raising his own hand to Severus's forearm. "You don't have to hesitate, as long as you weren't planning to slap me."
Severus scowled at him. He had thought about it, earlier, but – "I would never –"
"I know," assured Remus quickly, smiling his sweetest smile. "I know you."
He leant into Severus whose hand moved automatically to Remus's cheek and they kissed a little less tenderly than Severus had expected. But just a year ago he would have given anything to know that Remus was longing for him. His soft hair was brushing against Severus's nose, his knee was rubbing against Severus's and he gave Severus that familiar shiver. But there was still more on Severus's mind. He pulled back and was much too pleased when Remus followed him to bring their lips together again. Severus allowed them both to indulge in each other for a few minutes but when his mind threatened to drift off he pushed Remus away, avoiding his questioning eyes.
"Will you tell me what you want to do on the full moon?" he asked, straightening his collar, while Remus ran his warm hands over his chest. "Or have you only come here to enjoy my services?"
Remus smiled and Severus stared at his lips anticipating the sound of his voice. "I thought I would act as if I stayed and Disapparate in the last moment …"
Severus was forced to look up at such stupidity, such recklessness. "Such a plan from you?" he said harshly. "Are you out of your mind? Not only could they notice your disappearance, you could also Disapparate too late or just transform too soon."
"But I cannot stay, Severus," replied Remus urgently, "you know they bite people when they are transformed, I cannot join them!"
"When you've got the Wolfsbane … you could," suggested Severus, feeling irrationally jealous that a bunch of werewolves should see Remus's transformation when Severus was not allowed to. "You could fetch it here."
Remus shrugged. "I don't know if I want that … transform there, I mean. I wouldn't feel safe. It isn't that I don't trust your Potion, but who knows how strong the pull of the pack would be even on my relatively sane mind … I thought …"
"You thought it would be easier than this?" supplied Severus, refraining from saying 'I told you so!'
Remus smiled apologetically. "Yes," he admitted and Severus envied him for his ability to admit everything, "I was convinced I had thought it all through. But … I'm not used to how they're living, they sleep on the forest ground and sometimes they eat rare rabbits or deer, can you imagine? And Greyback is just vile, his voice, his views and, Merlin, his manners. I feel like a spoilt prince that has been kidnapped by vagabonds." He paused and chuckled extraordinarily mirthlessly. He waved a hand and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'll just have to get used to it, I suppose."
"You don't," tried Severus, "you could just come to your senses and withdraw from this moronic –"
"I appreciate your worry, I really do," interrupted Remus, "but the answer is no. Someone has to keep an eye on him …" His kind features darkened at those words and his hand on Severus's leg balled into a fist.
"Greyback?" asked Severus. "I still don't know how you can stand in his presence without killing him."
Remus glanced at him. "Well, my weapons are words, not actions," he said casually, rubbing his cheek where it had been bruised and Severus counted one and one together. "He wasn't pleased by my words, though."
"And he didn't throw you out?" asked Severus incredulously. "He preferred to break your cheekbone instead?"
"I suppose he found it sufficient punishment," smiled Remus.
"Primitive," spat Severus, ignoring the fact that he had thrown Potter to the floor rather roughly half a year ago.
"Well, yes, he's not as sophisticated as you … I would probably have come here crawling on all fours if he were," said Remus, patting Severus's leg. "But as it is, I came here to be treated gently."
Severus glanced at him, raised his hand into the back of Remus's neck and was a little surprised when Remus took that as an invitation to drop his head on his shoulder and his body against his. The werewolf seemed oversensitive to any act of even the smallest gentleness. Of course that made Severus a much more desirable partner. It set him at ease for the moment.
"My bones ache," said Remus in a whine that Severus knew was only applied in his presence. "I wish I could take your bed to the forest with me. With you inside it."
Severus snorted and picked a tiny twig from Remus's disheveled hair. "I'm afraid I cannot leave Hogwarts …" he muttered. "But my bed will be delighted to see you again tonight."
"Oh, you tempter," said Remus tiredly, "I cannot decline that offer. It is harder to be alone than it was before."
Alone. Severus knew why Remus felt that way. Because he hadn't been alone in over a year. Black had been there, Black had been confined to Grimmauld Place and Remus had seen him more often than he might have wanted. At least that was what Severus liked to think. But ever since Black's will had left Remus's possession, not a word had been spoken of the late mutt. Not even in the urgently hesitating voice Remus usually applied when talking about Potter. And though Severus rather liked to believe that Remus had forgotten him, he knew it couldn't be.
"Don't you miss him?" he asked casually. Maybe too casually because Remus lifted his head off Severus's shoulder to give him an enormously guilty look. He knew immediately what Severus meant.
"Do I make that impression?" he said softly, his eyes searching but not finding Severus's.
"Well," said Severus slowly but was relieved of the effort to answer by Remus's hasty explanation.
"It's not as if I weren't feeling the loss," he said, "it's just that … I'm too busy missing you. I'm too preoccupied with … oh, I'm a terrible person! There was never a day that passed without me thinking of them all before I came here to teach, but ever since then I …"
He trailed off and waved his hand as if grasping around for a tiny fish in a muddy pond. Severus stopped his hand and looked at it, imagining that the misery Remus had been in had been just as intense as his own. He didn't wish it on him. No, he was fine with the fact that he made Remus forget it. It was a compensation for the pain he had to cause him in the future. Severus felt some strange kind of withdrawal at that moment, and when he looked into Remus's face without meeting his eyes he knew why.
"You aren't terrible, you silly werewolf," muttered Severus, his eyes wandering over Remus's greying hair. "You are good enough to sacrifice yourself to the well-being of this wretched Slytherin."
Remus chuckled and Severus felt him relaxing like he hadn't relaxed in months. He leant in, taking Severus by surprise and captured his lips much more tenderly this time. "But, Severus, you aren't wretched. And everyone who has treated you kindly might have glimpsed what I see right now."
Severus thought that Remus's skin felt softer and his scent was sweeter on the silken sheets of his bed when he pondered those words, running his index finger over Remus's spine. And he felt so recreated that he found the strength to smirk at the image of Potter sorting out Flobberworms in his detention.