A Day in the Life
Well done to Ted Hankey for winning the World Masters Professional Darts Championship! (Yes, I do watch darts. It's the people's sport - and also the sport of procrastinating university students. XD)
Now I don't often do this, but Chromde wanted to see the repercussions of Sasuke being a jerk. I think Sasuke might just be able to provide... ;)
March 30th
Uchiha Sasuke. Reporting for duty. Wearing my full metal jacket and ready to unscrew your head and shit down your neck.
True fact.
I am Uchiha Sasuke, Chief Operating Officer of Otogakure Enterprises, the most successful and most innovative medical and pharmaceutical company (which semi-secretly trades in experimental bio-weapons) on the continent. Sometimes, I think people forget this, and it is almost always to their detriment.
You may remember a conversation I had with a twelve year old girl back in January. You may remember that that girl was Kurenai's little sister. You may also remember that she was extraordinarily rude to me and that, in self-defence, I retaliated with a few well-placed verbal barbs of my own. You may remember that when I had finished with her, she ran from the room, snivelling, at which point I permitted myself a mental victory dance before turning to matters more important.
Well, I didn't. I forgot all about it. That was until Asuma sent me a most amusing email last week.
----
To: Uchiha Sasuke (practicallyperfectineveryway at otogakure-enterprises . org)
From: Sarutobi Asuma (chainsmokingbeardedpimpdaddy at konoha-suna . org)
Subject: Trouble Brewin'
Hey dude,
Just want to clear something up because we've been having some trouble with the in-laws. Kurenai's little sister Suri has been saying you told her she was a freak and a mistake at the wedding because ma- and pa-in-law had her pretty late on in life. She shut herself up in her room for ages and wouldn't come out, but when she finally did, she told her parents all about it. They're pretty pissed.
Only thing is, Suri is kind of known for making shit up, so I said I'd ask you if it was true or not so they don't try to take it out on me and dad. If it is true, then man… I fucking salute you. The girl's a pain in the ass – a real spoiled, little princess. It's about time someone took her down.
Asuma.
----
When I read his email, I had a brief "huh?" moment as I cast my mind back to the wedding, trying to recall the day's events in full, before I grinned a truly evil grin, the memory of my victory surfacing bright and clear against the hazy backdrop of love-triangles, dancing, silliness and angst.
Immediately, I hammered out a reply.
----
To: Sarutobi Asuma (chainsmokingbeardedpimpdaddy at konoha-suna .org)
From: Uchiha Sasuke (practicallyperfectineveryway at otogakure-enterprises .org)
Subject: Re: Trouble Brewin'
Asuma,
It was me, and I am unrepentant. You want to know why I said all that stuff, though? Because I bet you this month's pay-packet she never said a word about this.
She came up to me and asked me if I was going out with the boss. I said yes and she started saying that it was gross, that it was unnatural and that she hated all gays and that it should be made illegal (never mind that I'm actually bi.) She also asked if I "had buttsex". I'm telling you, Asuma, it was really embarrassing. I was just angry, I guess, and I sort of retaliated. I may have overdone it a bit.
Sorry if I got you and Kurenai into trouble. I'll apologise to Kurenai next time I see her, but there's no way in hell I'll do the same for Suri.
Sasuke.
----
Job done, I sat back in my big, evil overlord chair at my desk and sipped at my coffee. I remember the coffee because one of the underlings who was on the coffee run brought some in. I didn't even have to ask for it – it was simply delivered to me. Very good it was, too.
Nothing much else happened for a few hours. I had a meeting with Karin, Kabuto and the boss; I went to the Staff Lounge for a chat; finished a report; shouted at a few people, that sort of thing. By the time I had finished, I was a little weary and was ready for an end of the day coffee before going off to find the boss and go home. Upon my desk, my coffee was waiting (my underling really is very good) and I sat down and checked my emails.
Imagine my surprise when I found this little gem in my inbox.
----
To: Uchiha Sasuke (practicallyperfectineveryway at otogakure-enterprises. org)
From: ~*Suri Sexsu*~ (c4mwh0rehawt4u at hotmail. com)
Subject: Fuckin gayboy
yeh im talkin 2 u Uchiha u fukin homo!
i herd wut u sed bout me an I red evrythin cos Asuma left his comp on lol he iz a fukin moron so who haz da last laugh now eh??????? me dats who cos i haz like 7000 friends on myspace an we r so gunna fuk u over gayboi!! ur gunna wish ud nevah ben born u piece of shit!! its u an not me who iz da MISTAKE and da FREAK!! i fukin haaaaaaaaaate u so much i want u to DIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!
well later u fukin turd. i hav better things 2 be doin than spendin my time talkin 2 a lowlife liek u.
----
I laughed so hard, I cannot tell you. At the end of it, my sides were aching tremendously and I had to take one of the man-sized tissues from the box on my desk to wipe the tears of hilarity from my eyes. I had never before received hate mail, and had always thought, had I been sent any, that I would have reacted quite differently. With anger, perhaps; indignance, most certainly; and with a definite liberal helping of genuine hurt feelings. I mean, even though it would have been highly unlikely, being generally well-liked as I am, I had prepared myself mentally for such an eventuality. Little did I know my first real hate-mail would send me into fits of hysterics at the emptiness of threats contained within.
Little did I know, however, that little miss Suri intended to make good on her threats. Hindsight is both a blessing and a curse.
I swear to you, not minutes later, emails started coming in thick and fast from all over the place, their obnoxious subject lines roaring:
"SMALL PENIS? DON'T LET THEM GET IT SOMEWHERE ELSE! INCREASE YOUR LENGTH AND GIRTH BY 25 PERCENT"
"Earn £££s by working from home!"
"Thank you for registering with hot housewives. To get your free daily pics, click on the validation link below"
"Cute Kittens! Cute puppies! Your details UCHIHA SASUKE for Daily Cute!"
"3000 free mp3s if you click on this link!!"
"This is not funny, it is a true story and it really happened to me, so please please please pass this on if it gets to you…"
"HA HA HA FUNNY PICS AT FUNNYPICS . COM!!"
"Thank you for registering with fetish . com!"
"Account details for Fat Fucks: hottest fat chicks on the planet here and exclusive."
"¥300 a week will sponsor a poor child in Sunagakure. Make a difference today."
"Thank you for joining the Countryside Alliance Rare Breeds interest newsgroup."
Seething, I could do nothing but watch as my inbox filled with hundreds of spam emails, my alert pinging and pinging and pinging until I had to fight the strong urge to throw the damn monitor across the room. Once I had stopped swearing, I picked up the phone and dialled Amachi.
Within five minutes or so, he appeared at my door and came and stood over my shoulder, watching the spam emails steadily appearing one by one, accompanied by the irritating little ping of the alert feature. He quickly established that I had been spam-bombed and asked if it was at all possible I knew anyone who would have a reason to do such a thing. I showed Amachi the email Yuuhi Suri had sent me earlier and he snorted with derision. Then he asked me if I wanted some quick and dirty revenge.
"Is the boss mental?" I said, by way of affirmation.
Amachi sniggered and said, "Right. Leave this one to me."
To cut a long story short, Amachi found her MySpace profile, hacked into it and managed to retrieve the majority of the emails from everyone on her contacts list. He had already programmed a spam-bomb (something to do with a conflict on the He-Man forums – don't ask) so he sent that to everyone on Suki's list. The icing on the cake, though, was the really nasty little virus he had pre-written (a pimped-out version of Manaical Magistr, or so he said) and attached to an email he sent to her from her boyfriend's account.
It wasn't long before we received another angry email. I say "we" because Amachi had become irrevocably involved at that point and wanted to see how the war was progressing. He takes a lot of pride in his work. The message read:
----
To: Uchiha Sasuke (practicallyperfectineveryway at )
From: ~*Suki Sexsu*~ (c4mwh0rehAwT4u at )
Subject: none
i bet u think ur so fukin smart gayboi. i bet u didnt no id jus go on anuvr comp since u WRECKED mine!! i no dat wuz u who sent out dat virus cos my bf wud NEVAH do a ting liek dat 2 me cos he luvs me unlike ur GAYASSS bf who is prbly screwin dat dude wit da white hair AND da dude wit teh specs cos every1 sez hes a total manslut EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! but yeh am gonna git u for dat u fukin sonofabitch. am gonna git u cos i no guyz who can do dat shit 2!! oh yeh! bet u didn't expect dat you fukin piece of SHITTTTTT!! only thing iz i dunno how u did dat cos ur so fukin STUPID u wouldnt no how 2 do viruses an shit so I bet u have friends an if u do then they must B desprate 2 B hangin bout wit u cos u suck an i hate u u think ur so fukin gr8 it makes me SICK.
ur gunna regret dis an im not jokin.
eat shit an DIE u FUKTAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRD!!!!!!!!!!!!
----
Job done, Amachi and I shook hands, and we walked out of the office together, parting ways at the little pathway that forks one way to the higher ups apartment block, and the other way towards the boss's house. I was still giggling by the time I kicked off my shoes at the front door. Walking into the little TV room, I met Naruto, Jiraiya and Kiku. Kiku was lying flat on her back on the sofa with her head on Jiraiya's lap, and they were watching some anime where a scruffy guy with a bucket hat and clogs was fighting some orange-haired kid. I decided that my day was a lot more interesting, so I grabbed the remote, pressed mute, and proceeded to tell them about my war with Yuuhi Suri.
Turned out Kiku knew her from the Academy. Well, she knew of her, which is more telling, I suppose.
"Oh my god, Sasuke, I totally know her!" she exclaimed, trying to sit up and failing miserably. Her now massive bump has all but taken over her tiny five foot two inch frame. I have suspected for a long time that it might be an alien.
"She was a couple of years below me at school, and I'm tellin' you, Sasuke, she is a total slut. She's only twelve, right, and she's got this webcam thing going where she charges guys through to see her creaming her panties. Then she can buy all this cool, expensive shit and she walks around the Academy like she's better than everyone else," then Kiku turned to Jiraiya and said, "and she totally started rumours about me when I started going out with you, babe. She must've seen us at that café. She was just jealous cos I had an older boyfriend who treated me right. And because I'm not a nasty ho'bag like her."
I asked her whether she approved of my war against her and Kiku nodded fervently.
"Hell yeah!" she squeaked, punching the air. "Take the bitch down, Sasuke!"
Unfortunately, things started to escalate the next morning. At five minutes to nine, the boss came stomping into Amachi's office and demanded to know why his internet wasn't working. Amachi had not yet turned on his own computer, so he powered up, only to find that he, too, could not access the web. After a series of preliminary checks, in which everything seemed to be working as it should, he tried to access the company website via the backup server. It was down. Suspicious of foul play, he called me up and asked me to come over to IT.
For what felt like the longest time, though it was less than five minutes, I sat on a beanbag chair, nibbling at my nails, as Amachi clicked and clicked and did computer geek things that are beyond my understanding (I believe the word netstat was involved in his explanation, though he was talking more to himself than to me.) Eventually, he confirmed the worst. Otogakure Enterprises was being subject to a sustained DDoS attack and that someone had rigged the thing so that the company's own computers were doing the attacking as well as ones from outside. Instantly, we knew who was behind it. Turned out that she did have some basement-dwelling friends. The little bitch probably flashed her tits at them for money. Pathetic.
We dithered for a bit, panicking, wondering what to do – but there was nothing for it. We had to call the boss and tell him everything.
Amachi made me make the call because, and I quote, "He won't fire you, Sasuke. You're bullet-proof. Just be extra nice to him for the next couple of days or something."
So I phoned and said that Amachi had found out what was behind the crash. The boss thanked me and said he would be round in five minutes. Right on time, he stalked into the room, his expression ominous. He sat down on the chair in front of Amachi's desk, steepled his fingers and said, "Explain."
Stepping rather heroically into the line of fire (if I may say so myself), I began at the beginning with a hesitant, "Well you see, Orochimaru-sama…" as I related the tale of what happened at the wedding, the email from Asuma, the spam bomb, and the retaliatory super spam bomb and virus, which resulted in the current DDoS attack. The boss wished to know what a DDoS attack entailed. Amachi explained. The boss then pressed him for information on how much he would expect to be billed for excessive bandwidth usage. Fidgeting, Amachi found it hard to look him in the eye when he informed him that past cases with big companies numbered in the millions.
The rage blazing in the boss's eyes was terrible to behold. He gripped the arms of Amachi's chair so hard that his long, perfectly manicured nails left raggedy holes in the cushioned leather. Cringing, I prepared myself for a severe bawling out, but it never came. Instead, the boss took a deep breath and smiled a nasty smile.
"Sasuke-kun," he commanded, making me spring to attention. "Yuuhi Suri is a nasty, little whore, though more importantly, an underage whore. Am I correct?"
I said he was indeed correct.
"Then I want you, Amachi, to find out who is behind this. After that, you will rake around in their hard-drives for incriminating evidence. If you find none, put some there and call the police. In the meantime, you will have Yoroi and Mizumi work on ending this distributed denial of service attack immediately."
Amachi nodded and bowed deferentially, before scurrying out of his office along to the IT labs. For a while, the boss and I sat in silence (I cannot lie to you, I was quite terrified) before he looked up at me and said, "You underestimated her popularity didn't you, Sasuke-kun."
"I did," I said, quite truthfully.
"Show me the emails," he demanded. I logged onto my inbox using Amachi's computer. As the boss perused them, I saw his expression grow darker, and by the time he had finished, he looked none too pleased.
"Loathsome little worm," he snapped. "A loathsome little worm who is going to cost me millions in excessive bandwidth usage. A loathsome little worm who is going to be in a whole world of trouble. Give me your phone, Sasuke-kun…"
Without protest, I handed it over. The boss snatched it up and dialled Kabuto. "Kabuto," he said, "I— what? Yes, it is about the DDoS attack. We have located the instigator and are working to trace the perpetrators. I want you to do something about the instigator. Drop whatever you are doing, I don't care how important or interesting it is, and get over to IT immediately."
He ended the call and shoved the phone at me. Then he smiled.
"I think you're going to like this, Sasuke-kun," he said. "I do revenge very well. Especially when it's personal."
And he was right. It was pretty personal. I never thought of it before, but she had trash-talked the boss as well as me. Pity for her, since the boss is downright malevolent and has a vast wealth of resources with which he may be as malevolent as he wishes. Hell, he could have done anything. He could have hired a hitman. Instead, he did something that I think is possibly nastier. He called Kabuto up and ordered him to hack into her computer, collect any slutty webcam videos, chat logs, and all of her incriminating emails and send them to every pupil and staff member at the Academy. He also requested a copy to be sent to her parents and for any videos to be posted on RedTube (that last one was Kabuto's suggestion).
Revelling in the prospect of doing something petty and vindictive for the sake of the company, Kabuto left Amachi's office with a spring in his step, ready to get to work. In all honesty, the boss chose well. I know no one who can do sheer vindictiveness as well as Kabuto. A couple of hours later, Amachi popped his head round the door, saying that they'd managed to trace some of the guys behind it and they had "found" incriminating evidence.
"Then I think you should call the police, Amachi," the boss said smoothly. "Tell them you have discovered the main culprits of a sustained DDoS attack on Otogakure Enterprises and that I specifically request the seizure and inspection of their computers and any other hardware. Feel free to namedrop. In fact, I insist you do so."
Amachi grinned and said he'd get right on it.
The result of all this? Complete and utter annihilation of our foes.
The next morning, all hell broke loose – for Suri, that is. Amachi, Kabuto and myself were afforded the pleasure of lounging around in the boss's office, drinking tea and waiting for the inevitable phone calls. Sure enough, round about ten am, Kin knocked on the door and informed the boss that there was an urgent call for him from Sarutobi. The boss told her to put him through, and he put the phone on speaker and gestured at us to be silent.
"Orochimaru," I heard Sarutobi's familiar voice rumbling.
"Sarutobi-sensei!" the boss said effusively. "What a pleasant surprise!"
"Drop the act, Orochimaru," Sarutobi replied brusquely. "Is this line secure?"
"Of course it is. Speak freely."
"Young Suri is in quite the state. I read the carefully prepared email and attachments that were sent not only to my inbox, but to my son's, daughter's nephew's, Suri's teachers and classmates'. Five young men have been arrested on suspicion of possessing child pornography and cyberterrorism – all related to Yuuhi Suri. Were you behind it?"
"Now why would I do a thing like that?"
"Your name was mentioned in the emails. As was Sasuke-kun's."
"What if I was? Could you prove it?"
Sarutobi sighed, exasperated, after what had no doubt been a long morning that was only going to get worse. "No, we cannot. God knows the police have tried. Suri is yelling to anyone who'll listen that Sasuke-kun was behind it, though there is no evidence to connect anything with you, or your business."
"Are you proud of me, Sarutobi-sensei?"
"Perversely, I must grudgingly admit. I'm only glad you covered your tracks well enough to avoid your own charge of child pornography."
"I did not make the video."
"You didn't?"
"No. I ordered it made and had my instructions for its distribution carried out. She insulted me, Sarutobi-sensei, and my Sasuke-kun. Not only that, her quest for petty vengeance has cost my company a rather large sum of money in excess bandwidth usage, not to mention that every single computer in the north base will have to be inspected for the attacker software and completely reinstalled and upgraded. It has caused me no end of trouble."
A pause. Then, "Are you going to press charges?"
"What?"
"I am asking you to drop the charges."
"And why, precisely, would I do that?"
"Because she is only twelve years old, Orochimaru. You have already ruined her life by publicising her private doings – and Sasuke-kun too, because I have no doubt he is involved in some capacity—"
"What are the charges?"
"Cyberterrorism."
"If she's only twelve, then there's no need for her to worry. She'll get let off with a slap on the wrist. Possibly a fine or open custody if she's unlucky. She won't go to prison."
"Orochimaru, she will have a criminal record. One undeserved, since I have no doubt she was not physically involved in the attack. That, and Mitarashi Anko has threatened to defend her in court—"
"Fine. The charges are officially dropped. I have absolutely no desire to get involved with that mad bitch again. I shall have Amachi withdraw his statement. You can tell the Yuuhis. Won't they be pleased?"
"Thank you."
"Instead, I will settle for a personal apology…"
So it was a week later, the Yuuhis arrived at the boss's ridiculously large and imposing home, chauffeured there from the airport by the boss's driver, Zaku. Kurenai and Asuma were there, as was Sarutobi, looking grim. The boss deliberately held his audience in the fancy reception room – the one with the mini-dias and the big, wooden throne of doom he uses when he really wants to terrify people (yes, he actually has a big, wooden throne of doom. The boss maintains it's just an ornately carved, high-backed chair, but I know it's a throne.)
Both the boss and I dressed to intimidate. He sat on his throne-chair and I stood at his right shoulder, looking beautiful, haughty and disinterested as the boss bade me. He beckoned Suri forward, and she shuffled towards us, sulking.
"What do you say to me?" the boss said, the ghost of a smug smile lurking at the corners of his mouth.
"I apologise, Orochimaru-sama, for my actions and for causing you and your business so much trouble. I hope you can forgive me," she replied, doing a damn good imitation of sincerity.
"And what do you say to my Sasuke-kun?"
Suri took a deep breath, gritted her teeth and said, "I apologise, Uchiha-san, for my actions and words that were beneath me. I hope you can forgive me."
I reacted exactly as the boss and I had planned.
"Whatever," I said nonchalantly, rolling my eyes, "I don't care," before stepping down oh-so-gracefully from the mini-dias and walking out of the room. As soon as the door closed behind me and I no longer had to be dignified, I cantered around the dining room like a mad thing, leaping, punching the air, doing fist-pumps – you name a silent expression of victory, I performed it in spades. It was magnificent. It was glorious. It was a taste of absolute victory I never thought I would experience.
It was fucking great.
Not only that, the boss managed to turn it round by suggesting to the Yuuhis that he orchestrate a cover-up of sorts by asking the Konoha Times to print a story saying Suri was the victim of an elaborate hoax, so that her admittance to higher educational establishments in later life would not be jeopardised. He also offered their daughter a coveted internship at the South Base facility and insisted she get through university with intent to work for him. That might sound odd, but the boss later explained that truly conniving and manipulative people like Yuuhi Suri don't come along very often, and that he had a hunch she would be good for the company. Plus, he said, that way he could get his money's worth out of her and she could repay her debts.
At any rate, the offer was gratefully accepted. Kurenai and her parents now think the boss is the best thing since sliced bread and thanked him repeatedly. The boss now officially owns Yuuhi Suri's soul. She cannot lift a finger without prior permission from the boss. Personally, I think that's nastier than hiring a hitman. Serves her right.
It was also announced that the young men who had been found in possession of videos of Suri would not be charged with possession of child pornography, since it had transpired that a program called NetBus had been used to control their computers. Probably just some script-kiddies out for revenge, since the guys all belonged to some hacker group that hung around on the chans. They would, however, be charged with cyberterrorism.
The Yuuhis didn't have a clue what the boss was talking about (and I had the funniest feeling he had been scripted by Amachi or Kabuto earlier on himself) but they lapped it all up. By the end of their stay, they were thanking the boss for his kind generosity and hoping they would see him again soon. In their eyes, he was Saint Oro. I still have no idea how he managed to turn it around like that. He really is very good at manipulating people. I found it very attractive, so after the Yuuhis and Asuma and Sarutobi had left, I pounced on the boss. He was flattered and quite pleased by my reaction. It is rare indeed that manipulation and subtle machination of that despicable level is praised, and I think he was secretly thrilled.
Kiku was also pleased by the events, as it meant she got to have a little chat with Yuuhi Suri. She appeared at the table one night, all pregnant and ever-so-happy with Jiraiya, her older boyfriend, who was hilarious and really fun and clever and had lots of money to spend on her (though the last was more hinted at than explicitly stated because Kiku doesn't care much about material wealth). I think Kiku may have learned something from the boss because, strange as it sounds, she was being rather subtle in getting her digs in at the little bitch from hell who had started poisonous rumours about her in high school. Meanwhile, Jiraiya was being deliberately hilarious, fun and clever just to show Kiku's rival that, yes, she had done very well for herself, thank-you-very-much.
I don't mind telling you that I felt proud.
Speaking of Kiku, her alien is due any time soon. If my memory serves me correctly, sometime… in the next week or so? Yes. That sounds about right. Jiraiya has arranged for them to travel back to Konoha for the birth because he's oddly insistent that his kid be born in Konoha. They're going to stay at Teuchi-san's house until Kiku goes into labour and Naruto has offered to drive them there and back in his big, stupid tour bus.
I'm glad we're not going to be involved, that's all I'm saying. Work has been mad this week, and I'm looking forward to a relaxing, well-earned weekend off tomorrow. Ahhh… DVDs and wine. Lots and lots of wine. It'll be magical.
March 31st
Picture this:
Kiku: "Babe, I don't feel so good."
Jiraiya: "What's up?"
Kiku: "My back… it hurts like… like woah."
Jiraiya: "Don't worry, sweetcheeks. It'll be over soon."
Kiku: "No, seriously. It's way sore. Feels like I'm havin' a fuckin' period or something but it's like ten times worse than normal. Can ya get me some of them painkillers, babe?"
Jiraiya: "Wait… what d'ya mean a period?"
Kiku: "Just feels like major cramps. Damn… that's it. Get me a cushion or somethin'. I'm gonna lie on the floor again."
Jiraiya: "Okay, babe. I'm just gonna phone Tsunade and ask. It's probably nothin', but I wanna check…"
A few minutes later, there was a clatter as the phone hit the floor in the other room. I swear I could hear a faint rumbling noise, growing louder and louder, before Jiraiya came crashing through the door, his hair a-tangle and his eyes a-fire.
"GET IN THE FUCKING BUS!" he roared. "GET IN THE FUCKING BUS RIGHT NOW! YOU'RE HAVING THE KID!"
"What?" Kiku said faintly, from her prone position on the carpet. "What, like, right now?"
But Jiraiya was already distracted. He turned to look at me. It was scary. I swear I could see steam billowing from his nostrils. "Where's Naruto?" he demanded.
"H-He's playing some stupid online game with Kabuto," I stuttered, alarmed at Jiraiya's sudden and ferocious turn of efficiency. "I-In… Kabuto's… room…"
Jiraiya had already sprinted halfway out the room before I finished. Skidding on the polished floor, Kiku and I heard his bare feet pounding down the corridor as he bellowed, "NARUTO! KABUTO! GET DOWN HERE NOW!"
For a brief and surreal moment, Kiku and I were left alone in the TV room. We exchanged a bemused glance before I said, quite calmly, "Want me to get someone to pack some stuff for you?"
"Yeah, sure, Sasuke," she replied, strangely subdued. "That'd be awesome. Thanks."
The model of composure, I headed off in search of an underling. Having found one, I requested that some things be packed for Kiku and be delivered to the bus because she was about to have the kid. At that, the underling hurried off, wide-eyed with concern, snaring another underling as she went, and they disappeared, presumably up to Jiraiya and Kiku's room. Job done, I went back to the TV room to tell Kiku that everything would be cool, only to find that Jiraiya, like a general, had marshalled everyone together. Naruto was there, jigging excitedly from one foot to the other and jingling the bus keys. Kabuto, too, was there, looking sullen. The boss was also present, Jiraiya still gripping his arm where he had obviously dragged him out of his study and downstairs. The boss's expression was rather hilarious: a mixture of shock and hurt dignity I had never before seen him wear ("What did you do that for? I would have come in my own time.")
Jiraiya eyed everyone like a wrathful eagle.
"Good, everyone's here." He turned to me. "Uchiha! Did you ask one of those girls to pack some stuff for Kiku?"
"They're… they're bringing it to the bus," I replied, squirming a touch under his gaze.
"Good. Right then. Everyone onto the bus. Now!"
Like dutiful, obedient troops, we all filed out, Naruto running on ahead to get the bus started. Behind me, I could hear the boss complaining in a petulant tone.
"Remind me again, Jiraiya, why I have to come along?"
"Because you know sciencey stuff, Oro, that's why."
"You have Kabuto-kun…"
"Look, just shut up, Oro and get in the fuckingbus! I need you around as a back-up until Tsunade's not a hundred miles away, okay?"
And so here I am, sitting once again on the upper deck of the bus, speeding along the freeway between Otogakure and Konoha, trying my best to keep out of the way and not catch Jiraiya's attention. With each turn of the wheels, I am being driven further and further away from my peaceful weekend filled with wine and DVDs. Naruto is at the wheel, going hell for leather and honking the horn when anyone tries to overtake us or pull out in front. Jiraiya keeps stomping downstairs, demanding he go faster, but the bus has an upper limit of 80mph, so there's not much Naruto can do. Not that he's bothered. He's just sitting there, foot on the pedal, whistling and singing a stupid song he made up about cute babies from outer space. What a moron.
The boss is sitting across from me, also keeping a low profile. He keeps glancing with trepidation towards the bunks, where Kabuto is tending to Kiku, giving her painkillers and assorted happy pills. I don't think he wants to be here at all. More accurately, I don't think he relishes the thought of potentially having his head anywhere near Kiku's coochie area. Especially not when there's a slimy, screaming head coming out of it.
Ewww… That's proper gross. I mean, of course, I do realise that I, too, was a slimy, screaming head protruding from my mother's coochie area at one point, but I prefer not to think about it. The image may very well give me nightmares.
Thankfully, though, I don't think it'll come to that. The boss was on the phone to Tsunade and she said since it's Kiku's first time, it'll take ages to get past the first stages of labour. Round about seven or maybe even ten hours. This revelation calmed Jiraiya down, at any rate. Since it's seven o'clock in the evening, the freeway is pretty clear, and when it's clear and you're driving flat out as Naruto is, it's possible to get to Konoha in four hours. Add to that another twenty minutes to get into the centre of town and to the hospital. Forty-five or an hour if it's busy.
One hopes Kiku's snatch is not especially stretchy…
LATER:
7:50pm
Oh, lord…
See, this is why I never intended to be involved in the whole birthing process. Women always harp on and on about how wonderful, how emotionally fulfilling, how natural and how beautiful birth is, blah, blah, etc., etc.
No. It is none of those things. Let me tell you why.
Now, given that I am of the XY persuasion, I may only lay claim to the impartiality of an outside observer. From what I have gathered, however, the birthing process is stressful, painful and most certainly not beautiful. Case in point: Kiku, feeling understandably anxious, decided that having a little walk around on the top deck was more conducive to easing her increasingly severe back pain. She took to walking along the corridor between the beds, then down and back up the stairs. At that point, the boss and I had given up on being helpful, and were happily watching Ninja Scroll in the top deck lounge. Just as the blind samurai looked like he was about the chop the good guy in half, there was an ear-piercing shriek from downstairs, most likely in the bathroom. It was Kiku.
The boss and I exchanged exasperated glances, and he got up, twitched the curtain aside and tiptoed over to the stairwell. Pausing the DVD, I followed and stood right behind him.
"Kiku, my dear…?" he ventured, somewhat reluctantly. "Are you well?"
"Like, oh my god, what the hell is that!?" we heard her shout, her voice unnaturally high and trembling upon the verge of hysteria. "It's… it's… it's… hella gross!"
From down below, Kabuto's voice answered calmly, "It's nothing to worry about. Your waters are breaking and the mucous plug has come away. Perfectly normal…"
The boss's lip curled in an expression of revulsion. He turned to me and said, in a manner that betrayed his strong wish to be somewhere else entirely, "Mucous plug, Sasuke-kun?"
Feeling slightly queasy, I held up a hand. "Ugh. Don't talk about it. I don't want to know. It sounds disgusting and I will have nothing to do with it. If it's something that needs cleaning, then Jiraiya can do it. That's what he's here for."
So we're back watching Ninja Scroll, but I feel my enjoyment of it has lessened somewhat, since I keep thinking about mucous plugs. I mean, I know Kiku was afraid and all, but did she really have to share that one?
LATER:
10:07pm
Okay, this is getting serious.
Kiku is pretty much ready to drop the kid. She's crawling around on the floor on the top deck, groaning, and the boss is yelling at Jiraiya, saying he's a damned fool for letting his rather snobbish obsession for his offspring to be born within the confines of Konoha lead to this high-speed stupidity. It is snobbish, apparently, because what was wrong with letting the child be born in Otogakure? The boss's parents were both from Otogakure, after all. These were the boss's words, not mine.
This did cause Jiraiya to turn round to his friend and start yelling in his face, informing him that they had to go to Konoha because that's where the OB was, to which the boss did respond with a characteristically caustic comment, and the two fighting morons did forget about Kiku, who did crawl across the floor to Kabuto and did moan and beg for more painkillers. Sasuke, however, did keep resolutely out of the way, and did jog downstairs to ask Naruto how much longer to Konoha, and Naruto did answer, "Another twenty minutes, dude. We're just hittin' the centre of town," and Sasuke did answer, "Thank god. I don't think I can take much more of this. Do you think I should call the hospital and tell them we're arriving or something? I have no idea what the etiquette is, seriously." And Naruto did reply, "Dunno, dude. Maybe they'll just take her in. I mean, they must deal with this shit everyday, right?" And Sasuke did agree with Naruto, and sat with him up front.
God… this is a nightmare. I'm finding myself resenting the kid already. Imagine having the temerity to come early like that! How dare it ruin my weekend off?
Fucking baby.
I might just reconsider buying it something from the hospital gift shop now. That'll teach it.
LATER:
10:42pm
We're at the hospital. When I say 'we', I mean the boss and I, Naruto, Kabuto, Dan, Ayame and Teuchi-san. Jiraiya is obviously present for the birth and is hilariously stressed. Tsunade arrived with Dan not long ago and she marched up to the ward, since she agreed to be Kiku's birthing partner, whatever the hell that means. Dan is just hanging out here at reception with the cool kids, since Tsunade had two glasses of wine before she came here and couldn't drive over herself.
I had forgotten how intensely uncomfortable the seats here are. Whoever first conceived of these toxic blue, ergonomic disasters should be crucified for crimes against product design. Ten minutes on one of these things and you feel like you've had an epidural, your arse is that numb.
At any rate, Kiku got here safe and sound and has been clothed in one of those paper gowns. Last I heard, she was waiting for stage two to start. I have no idea what stage two means, but from what I gathered from Tsunade and Ayame, it involves a lot of screaming. What larks she has to look forward to!
I really feel like a coffee. It's late, and I'll keel over if I don't get a shot of espresso or something, though I don't fancy the dish-water crap the hospital canteen are peddling. Maybe I'll do a coffee run to Starbucks? There's one open twenty-four hours down next to the art gallery and it's only ten minutes away.
Yes. I'm feeling charitable. I'll do a coffee run.
LATER:
11:40pm
I wish I'd never asked. I passed round a square of paper I ripped from a notebook and everyone jumped on it, even Tsunade, who had oh-so-conveniently come down for a brief break just as the list was circulating.
The orders:
Myself – short black x 2
The boss – green tea in a large cup x 2 and a fruit salad bowl
Naruto – large hot chocolate with whipped cream and extra marshmallows, an almond biscotti and a cheese and ham toastie
Kabuto – Americano and a cheese and sun-dried tomato panini
Dan – regular cappuccino and a half tuna baguette
Ayame – small skinny mocha latte and a cheese and ham toastie
Teuchi-san – green tea in a large cup and a sushi roll box
Tsunade – large black coffee x2 and a cheese and sun-dried tomato panini
The cheek of them. I mean, really! Taking advantage and ordering a shitload of food when I was clearly being nice by offering to go on a coffee run. Did you hear that? A COFFEE RUN! Not a food and coffee run!
Bloody ingrates.
At least they've put in some cash. If they hadn't, I would've kicked off big-style – and I don't care if it's a hospital and the sick and wounded need rest and recuperation, I would've TORN SHIT UP!
Oh well. Best be heading off. By the time I'm back, the kid'll be born, it'll take that bloody long to bring all this stuff back. Wait a minute? How the hell am I going to get all that stuff back?
April 1st
12:21am
It's almost an hour later, and I'm back with the food and beverages. Everyone lunged for the boxes as soon as Naruto, Sakura and I set them on the table, balanced upon a tide of tatty magazines. In case you're wondering, I brought Naruto and Sakura along with me in order to solve the logistics problem. Sakura turned up not long before we left for Starbucks, apparently, because Kiku had texted her while we were still in Otogakure (I have yet to verify the truth of this statement, because I know Naruto texted her too).
The three of us had a bit of a time getting there and back. Having not been out on the razz for rather a long time, I forgot it was Friday night, and you have to cross Fun Fun Street to get to the Starbucks next to the Art Gallery. There were queues to get into random clubs spilling out onto the street and there were drunk people everywhere, staggering about. It was not fun, especially when we were walking back with boxes of coffee and bags of food, being shouted at by pissheads, asking us how much the paninis were and if we'd give them one. Silly arseholes.
Because it was late on a Friday night, there was a small queue of clubbers at the Starbucks counter when we arrived (what are the odds?) and Sakura almost got into a fight when this girl in a glittery mini-skirt skipped in front of us. The tired and apathetic student cashier glared at us when we handed him the enormous list and asked us if it was a joke. I said no and that we were willing to pay. Still, it took them half an hour to get everything ready. Then we had to walk back.
I don't care how appreciative everyone is – I am not doing that again.
LATER:
12:45am
Ha. Jiraiya just came rushing down to reception, did a funny, agitated, little dance, muttered, "Shit, I don't even know why I'm here," before disappearing back along the corridor. Seconds later, he reappeared, stopping beside Teuchi-san and Ayame and said, "Err… yeah. I remember now. Was supposed to tell you. It's err… all happenin' now. Shouldn't be too long."
Ayame gasped and her hand flew to her mouth. "Oh my god," she whispered. In the background, Kabuto casually flipped a page of a glossy he found lying around, sublimely uninterested. "Are you okay, Jiraiya? Is Kiku okay?"
"Shitting bricks, but I'm holdin' up," Jiraiya said ruefully, letting all assembled know that it was indeed the case by punctuating his statement with a manly sniff. "So don't worry about me. Kiku's… well… Tsunade and the midwife said everything's normal, so I suppose that's okay. I gotta go, though. I'll be back down in a bit. Maybe. Hey, is that coffee?"
LATER:
1:54am
I am so bored. Seriously. I am still at a loss as to why I had to be here. It would have been perfectly reasonable for Jiraiya to at least take the boss along and leave me behind. There is no need for me to be here. I have contributed nothing save a sole coffee run, and even then it was partly for my benefit. Instead of playing Sudoku wars with Kabuto, Dan, Teuchi-san and the boss at stupid am in a hospital reception (we found some Sudoku puzzles in the backs of magazines and a Sudoku war is basically a race to see who can solve theirs fastest) I could easily be in bed, ready to take the call from Jiraiya announcing the birth of his first child at a reasonable time. Let's say at some point after midday.
Instead, I have been beaten three times in a row by the boss at a ridiculous game that would not have otherwise been invented but to stave off incredible boredom. I have also been watching Naruto and Sakura. Sakura has conveniently fallen asleep on Naruto's shoulder, and Naruto keeps staring at her with a strange, wistful look in his eyes. It's as plain as day that he still has feelings for her. I guess Sakura was right. There is no way in hell, however, that I will be playing match-maker – tonight, or any other night. They are grown adults, and if they wish to do something about it, they can bloody well sort it out themselves. Besides, I am cold, tired, probably smelling of hospital, and my arse is killing me because of these stupid blue chairs.
Jeez… the boss wants to play Sudoku wars again. I would rather eat my own testicles. Fortunately, Naruto has requested I accompany him to the hospital gift shop, having laid Sakura down gently so as not to wake her. In a heartbeat, I accepted. I never thought I would be so glad to go to a hospital gift shop. I never thought I'd ever be bored enough to be glad to go to a hospital gift shop.
LATER:
At 2:12am on the 1st of April, Kylie Noir Moon was born, weighing eleven pounds nine ounces. Kiku is absolutely knackered – and it's no wonder, having had to squeeze out that monster loaf child. Fortunately, birth weight is not a reliable gauge with which one may measure potential future obesity. I checked. Teuchi-san told me that Ayame was also a fat baby – was born with rolls of the stuff, apparently (which earned him a dig in the ribs from his daughter). Ayame is now what I can only describe as svelte, and her gene pool looks pretty good figure-wise, so I'm guessing Kylie will take after her mother and her aunt.
What is rather fascinating, though, is that within the space of a few mere hours, numerous family connections have been made – some new, some existing and reinforced, and one revealed that had been hidden for a long time. News of the latter I'm still trying to take in, if I'm being honest, but it's made a lot of things fall into place.
It all came to light when I went to the gift shop with Naruto and the boss, who, being informed of an alternative to Sudoku wars, chose to tag along. We were hanging around the section with the stuffed toys and I was looking for a suitable, unisex, plush animal that had no rogue bits that could be chewed off and choked upon. I was at the point of deciding between the cute, blue elephant or the equally cute, grey hippo when Jiraiya appeared in a flurry of worry and angst, looking as though he'd freshly emerged from a wind tunnel. Ignoring the boss and I completely, he barged past us and headed straight for Naruto, grabbing him by the shoulder and spinning him round.
"Naruto…" he muttered, still breathless from the sprint he had no doubt made from the maternity ward, "Naruto, c'mere a minute. I need to tell you something. It's important."
Naruto, not being the quickest on the uptake at the best of times, surpassed even his stunningly retarded reputation for taking a goddamned hint. He whined, "Dude, I'm trying to choose a present, here! It's really hard. I can't concentrate when I'm talking to you!"
"Naruto, I'm not kidding. You really need to listen to this…" Jiraiya said, his eyes darting around the room suspiciously.
"Dude, it's cool, really. I'll talk to you in a sec. Go see Kiku or something."
From our vantage point over at the stuffed toy section, the boss and I could see Jiraiya becoming increasingly agitated. To anyone but my bone-headed best friend, it was obvious that Jiraiya was about to reveal something very personal and potentially momentous, and that it was taking a lot of his courage to make the attempt. The boss, therefore, took pity upon him. Striding over to Naruto, he picked up a soft, fleecy blanket from a bargain bin along the way, looped it over Naruto's head and garrotted him with it. While I chuckled, Naruto choked and Jiraiya protested, the boss leaned over and whispered in Naruto's ear, "If my intuition serves me correctly, my incredibly dense, young friend, this will be about your mother and father. So I suggest you listen, and listen well."
Immediately, Naruto stopped struggling, and the boss released him, shoving the blanket into Naruto's unresisting hands, before coming to stand next to me once again at the stuffed toy section. Close enough to hear what was being said (vital, because let's face it, we're both terrible gossips and love to be first in the loop) and far enough away so we could escape if there was any fall-out. Utterly fascinated, I watched them from my safe distance and listened as everything fell into place.
Now, I guess for any of this to make sense, I'll have to tell you what little I know about Naruto's childhood. The first time I ever met Naruto was when I was standing outside the Academy gates with my mother, waiting for Itachi to come out. It was a nice day; the last week before the schools closed for summer, and I had an ice cream. I remember laughing and yanking my hand away from my mother's to run a few paces away and peer over the low wall and through the railings. I was excited, since I knew it would not be long until the bell rang and Itachi would appear in his crisp white shirt and black shorts and backpack. With our mother following just behind, we would walk home together, then we would get changed and go down to the woods to paddle in the stream. That was how it had always went.
Not that day, though. For as I rested my chin atop the warm sandstone wall, I felt a foreign presence to my left. Perturbed, I turned to find a boy standing next to me. He was blonde-haired, blue-eyed and wore a bright orange t-shirt (orange has been Naruto's favourite colour ever since I can remember.) He was also staring at the ground. Puzzled, I stepped away from the railings and looked down to see what the fuss was about. Finding nothing but my red hi-tops, I said, "What're you looking at?"
Naruto grinned and said, "I like your shoes. Wanna play?"
I turned back to the railings and said, "I can't. I'm waiting for my brother."
Undaunted by my negative response, I saw Naruto stand up on tiptoe beside me and loop his arms through the railings. "Is he in there?"
"Yup. He's the best in his class!"
"What's his name?"
"Itachi."
"Oh. That's a kinda weird name. I bet he looks like a weasel!"
"He does not look like a weasel!" I said, indignant.
"I've seen a weasel before, you know! It was light brown and it was really long and thin and big – and fast! It ran away just before I got to it, but I knew what it was! It was definitely a weasel!"
"Oh yeah? How do you know it was really a weasel?" I asked, deeply sceptical of what I viewed as unaffirmed evidence from a strange boy I didn't know.
"Because…" Naruto ventured, screwing up his face as he poured all his energy into forming a coherent explanation, "because… because it was weaselly!"
"Oh yeah?" I retorted, ever the antagonist. "Then where did you see it?"
"Down in the woods behind the row of big houses near Hokage mountain."
"That's where I live!"
"Then I'll prove it! Meet me there later on and we'll find the weasels."
"What's your name?"
"Uzumaki Naruto. What's yours?"
"Uchiha Sasuke."
"Then I'll meet you at the woods later, and I'll prove to you that there're weasels!"
"Fine!"
"Fine!"
And so I met up with Naruto, the strange, blonde boy with the orange t-shirt, as planned. For reassurance, I brought Itachi along with me, and since he was quite interested in the prospect of seeing weasels, he hadn't needed much in the way of persuasion. For reassurance, Itachi had brought along a book he had found about weasels and a video camera. Itachi quizzed Naruto on where it was he had seen the weasel and from Naruto's account concluded that it was likely there were weasels since, according to his weasel book, they lived in the mountains or in woods near water. Naruto nodded, pleased to have been thus vindicated, and yelled, "Come on! Let's go on a weasel hunt!"
And so the three of us ended up weasel-hunting until the sun hung low behind the trees. I don't think we would've found anything if Itachi hadn't been there with his Big Book o' Weasels to keep us right. While Naruto and I bickered and shoved each other, Itachi was constantly telling us to keep quiet while he looked for weasel poop. Once he believed he had detected said weasel poop (how he could tell, I have no clue) he made us climb up a tree and sit quietly. Down below, there was a lot of deadfall and wood-brush – the perfect place for a weasel to look for food, now that I think about it – and before long, our silence and patience paid off. We saw not only a weasel, but a hunting weasel! There was a big bug sitting on a fallen branch. Silently, the weasel stalked its prey – and then it pounced, crunching the bug gleefully between its sharp, little weasel teeth. Then, when it had finished, it did a bouncy victory dance. Itachi had the camera rolling and caught every minute. It was great. Once the weasel left, we climbed down the tree. Naruto was all puffed up and pleased with himself.
"See!" he yelled, prodding me in the chest with a finger. "I told you there were weasels!"
"Yes," Itachi mused, contemplating the video footage. "You were right, Naruto-kun. There must be lots of weasels down here. I wonder if we could find a den?"
"You could make weasels your summer project!" I suggested.
Itachi pondered for a moment, before he smiled a rare smile. "That's a very good idea, Sasuke. I think I will. I could be an animal behaviourist."
"What's that?" Naruto asked.
"An animal behaviourist is someone who studies how animals act with each other."
"So you get to watch animals all day?"
"Yes."
"Wow, that's awesome! Can I be an animal behaviourist too?"
"I want to be one too!" I added, thrusting my hand into the air, not keen on being left out.
"You two can be my research students."
"What's a research student?" I asked.
"Young people who are training to be animal behaviourists who help out the older animal behaviourists."
"Oh," I said. "Then that's us! We want to be animal behaviourists! Don't we, Naruto?"
"Yep!"
"Then we can all meet back here once school finishes," Itachi said, placing the video camera back into its case. "This Monday coming. Is that okay, Naruto?"
"Yeah! I'll be here!" Naruto said happily. "What time at?"
"One o'clock, after lunch. If you can't make it then, just come down and find us."
"Awesome!" Naruto said, grinning all over his face. "Well, see you guys later!"
Itachi and I did meet up with Naruto again, as planned, and for every day throughout that first summer we knew each other. I never noticed it initially, but Naruto was always there first, was always waiting for us to show, never the other way around. One day, when we were setting up white sheets to attract moths (Itachi had since widened his scope to include a variety of our local woodland fauna), I asked him why he always turned up first. Quite without shame, he replied, "I live at the orphanage not far from here. We get lunch early, and there's no other kids there the same age as me, so no one'll play with me."
"You live at the orphanage?" I asked, genuinely curious, since I'd never met anyone from there before.
"Yep," he said briskly, tying a tight knot onto the tree branch so that the white sheet hung stiff and secure between the two trees.
"Does that mean you have no parents?"
"I did have them, but they died."
"How did they die?"
"Dunno. No one knows. I tried asking Tanaka-obaa-san, but she just smacked me on the butt with her brush and told me to get out her way."
"Then how are you going to the Academy?" I asked, since Naruto had bragged to anyone around to listen (i.e. Itachi and I) that he would be going to the local, fee-paying school. "You can't have a scholarship, like me and Itachi! You're dumb!"
"Am not!" Naruto retorted, leaning forward on the branch and trying to take a swipe at me. "But this drunk old guy called Jiraiya came into the orphanage one day and said he'd sponsor me. How lucky am I, eh?"
"Hmph, yeah, lucky," I said, pretending to be all macho, but I was secretly happy that my new friend was going to be attending the same school as me, and that I would already have a friend to play with on the first day while everyone else was still scared and getting to know each other.
And so it was that Naruto and I walked to school together on the first day, behind Itachi, Shisui and Ayame. It was their last year as elementary students, and the next year, they would walk through the gates on the other side, to the building where the juniors had classes. On our very first day, Iruka-sensei asked us what we had done during the holidays, and when it was my turn, I told Naruto to get up too so we could tell the class about the weasels and all the other animals. Iruka-sensei was so impressed with our summer jobs as research student animal behaviourists working under the eminent Uchiha Itachi, that he gave us the first gold stars of our educational career. At break, Naruto and I went out to play on the jungle gym and a girl came up to us. Her name was Haruno Sakura, and she wanted to know all about the weasels. Despite us informing her, in no uncertain terms, that girls were gross and that we'd never play with girls, she persisted until we caved and let her come sit with us.
The rest, as the incredibly overused saying goes, is history.
As we went through school, Naruto stayed with us all the way – even through university, I can only assume Jiraiya paid his fees – until we graduated and went to work for Konoha-Suna. I had met Jiraiya a couple of times before stepping out into the world of work. The odd parents' night at school, and once in our second year at university, when we were having a drunken night out with Ino, Shikamaru and Chouji, and Jiraiya appeared next to us at the bar with Kakashi, the man who would turn out to be our future boss. The whole night, Jiraiya insisted on buying us drinks and he quizzed us on our future plans. Sakura had wanted to be a doctor, Naruto, a tattoo artist (his career paths veered wildly in different directions every few weeks or so at that time) and I had no clue what I wanted to do. Jiraiya suggested we come work for Konoha-Suna. We didn't think much of it and sort of dismissed his very practical suggestions, until we saw him again at the after graduation party. As the three of us were standing in the cloisters, begowned, with plastic glasses of champagne in hand and worrying about the future, Jiraiya appeared in the midst of the crowd, head-and-shoulders taller than everyone else, and came and stood by us. Grinning, he said, "So, how about those jobs, eh?"
It was strange at the time, but that was then the realisation really hit me. Throughout our lives, Jiraiya had always been there, whether at a discreet distance, as when we were much younger, or right in our faces, offering us jobs, in our early twenties. For Naruto, the connection was even stronger. Jiraiya had brought him out of poverty, gave him a crack at a brilliant education, paid his way through university and offered him a excellent job that cleverer and more qualified people would have chewed off their own arms to get. I had always wondered what there was between Naruto and Jiraiya. At one point, I had entertained the rather silly notion that they were father and son, but rejected that outright when I realised they looked absolutely nothing alike. Still, I knew something was there. And it was in the Konohagakure General Hospital that I finally found out what.
For a while, Jiraiya just stood there, one hand on Naruto's shoulder, looking around the gift shop. I think he was beginning to realise he had a small audience. There was a young couple over at the fridge, who had taken time out choosing drinks to watch and there was the little old lady who ran the shop having a good, long, unabashed stare, as well as the boss and I. Jiraiya sighed and shook his head.
"If you wanna know, kid, then let's go somewhere more private. I don't have much time, so I've gotta make this quick."
"Yeah… sure," Naruto said, strangely compliant, as Jiraiya steered him out of the gift shop.
For a moment, I was rather disappointed, assuming I would not be party to the great revelation, until Jiraiya called out over his shoulder, making me start, since I was not expecting to be included, "Are you two coming or what? Don't try and pretend you weren't listening."
"I- I wasn't trying to listen!" I spluttered, lying through my teeth.
"Sure you weren't, Uchiha. And the Daimyo lives in luxury in the great cavern of my arsehole."
I rolled my eyes at Jiraiya. He can be so crude sometimes.
"Anyway, I figured first thing Naruto'd do would be to run off and tell you, so I'm cutting out the middle man," he continued. "Last chance, Uchiha. If you're coming, you're coming. If you're not, you're not."
The boss gave me a mysterious wink and followed after Naruto and Jiraiya. Shrugging my shoulders, I, too, trailed after them and ended up at the deserted waiting area outside the dermatology section. To my chagrin, they had the same insufferable, goddamned blue chairs. In protest, I decided to sit on the floor, cross my legs and frown. The boss took the seat directly behind me, and I shifted slightly so I could rest my head against his legs, at which point he started stroking my hair with the very tips of his fingers. I felt quite relaxed, and it made it much easier to simply be quiet and listen.
"Naruto…" Jiraiya began, in a graver tone than I have ever heard him use. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just gonna have to come right out and say it…
I'm your godfather."
For a heartbeat, Naruto stared blankly at Jiraiya, before he creased up and started howling with laughter, beating his fist on the linoleum floor.
"You for real, Darth Vader?" he said, giggling, as tears streamed down his cheeks. "Cos if that's true, I should be all like, 'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!'"
Jiraiya's face was a picture. Clearly, this was not how he imagined things would go.
"Ha-dee-fucking-har," Jiraiya replied curtly. "Very funny, Naruto. But you got one thing wrong. It wasn't, 'I am your godfather.' It was actually, 'I am your father', though the presence of the dumb, blonde kid hanging over a fucking precipice is pretty accurate – and if you don't shut the hell up right now and be serious, I'll be throwing you off the damn thing!"
With Naruto cowed and silenced via the medium of mortal peril, Jiraiya cleared his throat and went on.
"That's better. Now shut up and listen to what I've got to say, because this is important. So, like I said, kid. I'm your godfather. See, I knew your dad really well back in the day. I was his boss for a couple of years. Took him in fresh from university, trained him up, taught him the ways of the world. Pretty soon, he was making a name for himself. Minato was a good guy, a real good guy. Decent, hard-working, talented, and always looking out for the little people. Your mom, Kushina, man, she was a feisty one. Red-heads always are. Took your dad ages to convince her to go out with him, but once she took the bait, she was hooked for life. So was your dad. They were really good together. Wasn't long before they got hitched, found themselves a little place in the suburbs – right next door to where Oro was born, in fact – and then you came along.
I totally wasn't expecting it, but they asked me to be your godfather when I dropped by one day not long after you were born. I wasn't too keen on the idea itself, but I was kinda attached to you, since they named you after a character in one of my porn novels. So I said, yeah, I'd do it. I mean, I figured I wouldn't have to do much, since your parents would be around and stuff…"
For a moment, Jiraiya trailed off and sat there in silence, his head in his hands.
Suddenly, I knew why it was so hard for Jiraiya to tell Naruto about his parents. As memories of being in the boss's gigantic attic, raking around for photographs with Jiraiya swam into my mind, I had a creeping moment of realisation. I knew Namikaze Minato. I had seen his face several times, since he featured in the photo album I made for the boss during our first Christmas together – the grinning, blonde bloke with the good-natured face. The grinning, blonde bloke who was gunned down by the Mizu mafia not long after.
My heart sank.
As Jiraiya continued to struggle, cautiously, Naruto prompted him, "So… so what happened?"
Taking a deep breath, Jiraiya answered, "Just before you were born, your father got promoted. He was in charge of expanding and developing the company in new areas. Unfortunately for him, he set his sights on Mizugakure. The place has always been filled with the scum of the earth up there, and he did his best, but the local businessmen didn't like the thought of Konoha muscling in on their territory. They sent him an ultimatum – pull out or be wiped out. Your father ignored it. Thought he could discuss things round the table, since he was a decent, civilised, human being. Unlucky for him, the Mizu lot were cold-hearted bastards and didn't give a rat's ass about human decency.
You were only weeks old when it happened. Some hired men pulled up outside your house in a black van. They had guns, and only one thing on their minds. They broke into your house and shot your mom at point blank range. Then they came after your dad and got him too. I guess he must've heard the shots and had just enough time to hide you, because the forensics guys found you alive and crying in the attic the next morning. They brought you to me, since I was your godfather…"
Jiraiya had begun to choke up, and Naruto laid a hand gently on his arm. "It's cool," he said, smiling. "Just keep going. I wanna know the story. Please."
Wiping his eyes with his sleeve, Jiraiya smiled a rueful smile and went on. "Well, and god forgive me, Naruto, but I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to do. I was a mess back then. Totally unfit to look after a kid. I was out all night, every night, chasing women, and if I wasn't chasing women, I was necking bottles of bourbon with Tsunade, or jetting out to River Country to go to some mad coke party with Oro. Hell, if I'm being honest, I shouldn't have even been working. After a couple of days, I knew I couldn't hack it, so I called the social and said I was unfit to look after you. They agreed and they came and took you away. Just like that. But before you left, I swore to you I'd look out for you. That even though I couldn't do all the dad stuff, I'd make it up to you in other ways."
At that moment, another tear escaped and slid down Jiraiya's cheek. He caught it angrily with the back of his hand. "Jeez, this is embarrassing," he muttered. Then he turned to look Naruto straight in the eye and said, "But yeah. That's what I wanted to say. That I'm sorry, and that I should've been there, but I wasn't."
For what felt like a long time, Naruto just sat there on the floor, staring at his bright blue trainers, appearing to ponder upon what he had just heard. Then he looked up, his eyes glittering intently, and said, "I've got one question."
"Whatever it is, I'll answer."
"Who did it?"
I swear I saw a flash of hesitation in Jiraiya's eyes before he replied, "They… they never found out. I'm sorry."
Naruto nodded, and then he stood up on stiff legs, stretching out his arms all the way to the ceiling. Then turned to Jiraiya and smiled a huge smile.
"That's cool," he said. "I'm just glad you were there, is all. And don't say you weren't, cos you were! You did loads of stuff for me! You took me out for ice-cream when I was a kid, and when I was grown up, you bought me drinks and taught me about girls. If you didn't get me into the Academy, I wouldn't've met Sasuke and Sakura-chan. You did loads of things, dude! More than you think, probably. And I don't mind that you couldn't look after me. I guess it was best that way, anyway, since you were a coke-head, or whatever—"
"Whoa, it wasn't me who was the coke-head," Jiraiya felt it pertinent to add, holding up a finger. "That was Oro!"
"— and you would've probably forgotten about me or left me somewhere in a park when you were drunk and then… ooooh, and then some aliens would've found me and raised me to do weird cross-breeding experiments with inter-galactic, big-titted, blue alien slaves! Or a creepy paedo would've found me and chained me up in his basement and then I would've been one of those feral kids who can't speak that Kabuto told me about one day, but all the scientists apparently love them cos they don't come along very often and you can't get funded for that shit nowadays."
"Errr… yeah," Jiraiya said exasperatedly, scratching his head. "That's the general idea."
"But it's cool, cos it didn't happen, cos you did the right thing, I guess."
The edges of Jiraiya's mouth curled into a wry smile. "I guess. Thanks, Naruto."
When Jiraiya pulled Naruto into a manly, one-armed hug, I felt it safe to tilt my head back and look at the boss. He was watching them, shaking his head with amusement in his eyes.
"You think we should go?" I asked.
"I think Jiraiya should go," the boss answered, raising his voice so that there was no doubt his old friend would hear him. "After all, the arrival of his first child is imminent, if I am not mistaken."
Instantly, Jiraiya's eyes widened, and I saw all the fear and apprehension come flooding back. Releasing Naruto, he stood up and looked at the little black clock on the wall. Realising the time, he let loose a string of expletives and said, "Shit, I've gotta go! I promised Kiku only five minutes. C'mon, move it!"
We raced back through to the main reception area (the boss walked at a leisurely pace), only to find a rather angry Tsunade standing there, waiting impatiently, her foot tapping, and her hands on her hips. She zeroed in on Jiraiya right away.
"WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?" she yelled, grabbing Jiraiya by the arm and propelling him down the corridor. "THE BABY'S CROWNING AND I COME DOWN HERE TO FIND OUT YOU'RE IN THE GODDAMN GIFT SHOP?"
"But, Tsunade, I can explain—"
"I MEAN, I CAN UNDERSTAND IF YOU'RE BORED, JIRAIYA—"
"WHAT THE HELL? I'M NOT BORED! YOU JUST WON'T GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO EXPLAIN—"
"SHUT UP! I DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOUR LAME EXCUSES—"
"BUT— OWW! SHIT… JEEZ, TSUNADE, THAT HURT!"
The boss, Naruto and I were left standing there, looking bemused. We could hear them arguing all the way along the corridor until the big fire doors slammed closed behind them. Shrugging his shoulders, the boss swept over to re-join the group. I was left with Naruto. He was staring into space and frowning slightly.
"Naruto…" I ventured carefully, in case I broke some sort of fragile spell that was holding him together, "are you okay?"
I needn't have worried. Out of concern, I had momentarily forgotten that Naruto is profoundly retarded, and has the memory of a very stupid fish.
"Shit, dude!" he said, his eyes widening. "I still need to choose a present! I totally forgot! Back in a bit!" he called out over his shoulder as he tore across the carpeted main reception area, leaping clear a row of blue chairs, before disappearing down the corridor towards the gift shop."
I could do nothing but shake my head and sit down. I swear there is some sort of hyperactivity disorder lurking within Naruto, undiagnosed.
At any rate, it wasn't long before Tsunade reappeared, this time with a smile on her face, to call Ayame and Teuchi-san upstairs to meet the newest addition to their family. The boss wanted to head over to the hotel round about then, since the kid had been born and there was nothing left for us to do, but Tsunade said Jiraiya wanted us to meet the kid too, so for a little longer, we were obligated to forgo sleep. Ten minutes later, the boss and I were summoned, and Tsunade led us up to the maternity ward. Peering round the doorframe, I spotted Kiku sitting up in bed, holding what appeared to be a small bundle of white fabric in her arms. Her hair was a mess, her face was all red from exertion and she had a severe case of panda eyes from where she had misguidedly applied mascara and eyeliner before giving birth, but she was beaming. Jiraiya was sitting on the bed next to her, gazing down at his firstborn, also beaming, but his beam was one of pride – a pride that said, "See this right here? I made this!"
It was Jiraiya who spotted us first, and he stood up and came charging over to the boss, who could do nothing but cringe and ready himself for the unavoidable bear-hug. With a whoop, Jiraiya picked the boss up and swung him around the ward, singing, "Oro! Oro! That's my kid over there! That's my kid!"
"Human, I take it?" the boss managed to comment once Jiraiya had finally deposited him upon solid ground once again.
"Oro, even your cynical bullshit ain't gonna bother me right now, because I'd like to introduce you both to my daughter: Kylie Noir Moon!"
There was a brief moment where the boss and I looked askance at each other, secret smirks passing between us. During this secret moment, I also caught the eye of Teuchi-san, who shrugged and shook his head ruefully. Somehow, I don't think he approved of the name, either.
"Kylie what?" the boss said blankly, doing his best to keep the sniggers under wraps.
"I let Kiku choose," Jiraiya said happily, returning to his place perched on the edge of the bed beside his girlfriend.
"Yah," Kiku added, her voice faint and croaky – presumably from all the screaming. "I named her after my favourite pop star and the two guys from my favourite TV show."
"How are you, Kiku?" I asked, very politely and considerately.
"I'm fine, Sasuke," she croaked, giving Kylie a little jiggle. "But oh my god, I am, like, so tired. Having a baby is, like, the most tiring thing I've ever done and I used to teach pilates. I dunno how I can explain it."
"You could perhaps liken it to pushing the universe through the eye of a needle," the boss suggested.
"Wow… that's way deep," Kiku breathed, wide-eyed at the boss's contribution. "But yeah, it's exactly like that. It took ages."
I smiled.
Then Kiku's voice dropped to a whisper and she said, "You know what the worst thing is, though, Sasuke?" and she beckoned me over, obviously not wanting to discuss this matter in front of the boss. Intrigued, I wandered across to her bed side, leaving the boss there to absorb the great, crashing waves of Jiraiya's enthusiasm. Pulling up a chair, I sat close enough so she wouldn't have to raise her voice. Then she leaned over and said, "You know what the worst thing is, Sasuke? Oh my god, you're not gonna believe this, but I totally farted."
My eyebrows shot towards the ceiling and, slightly shocked, unsure whether to snort with laughter or sympathise, I sought clarification. Kiku kindly elaborated.
"Well, I was pushing and pushing and pushing, right? And the doctor's all like, "Nearly there, nearly there. Just one big, final push! In three, two, one…". So I, like, did the only thing I could do and I pushed as hard as I could and I totally farted in his face. It was massive, too. Real loud, and his face was right in there. Oh my god, Sasuke, I was, like, so embarrassed."
I couldn't help myself. I laughed my goddamned head off. Now, I don't know whether it was because I was sleep-deprived, or because there was a general aura of infectious happiness in the room, or because the two double espressos I had earlier were driving me insane, but I laughed. Oh god, did I laugh. It wasn't long before Kiku started giggling too, even though she said it hurt like hell to do so, and then Jiraiya and Teuchi-san asked us what the big joke was, we told them, and then they were falling about laughing. The boss rolled his eyes at the crudeness of it all and made to leave, but Jiraiya caught him by the arm.
"Wait, Oro. Just for one sec, I promise you, and then you can go."
The boss sighed in a put-upon manner. "If you want coffee, then you can damn well go downstairs and get it yourself."
"It's not about coffee, you moron. Jeez, I just want to ask you something."
"Then what is it?"
"Will you be Kylie's godfather?"
Before I could catch myself, I gasped, and turned to the boss. He stood in the wide, white-framed, spotlessly clean doorway, his hand upon the frame with his back to the room. It was rather tense, since the boss really seemed to be thinking it over. In all honesty, for a wild moment, I thought he was going to refuse. My brain was already concocting a host of desperate, peace-keeping plans in case I had to break up any fights. Instead, the boss turned ever so slightly, with a ghost of a mischievous smile playing at the corners of his mouth, and said, "I shall consider it."
"Good," Jiraiya said. "Cos Tsunade's already said yes to Kiku."
The boss said nothing in reply, but instead, for my benefit, called out, "Are you coming, Sasuke-kun? I am fairly certain you would love nothing more than to fall asleep in the big bed at the hotel. I intend to inform them right this minute of our arrival."
Even though there was a darling newborn child present in the room, it was the thought of the big and ridiculously soft and comfortable bed at the hotel that tugged at my heartstrings. Perhaps my intense longing to once again become acquainted with said bed became apparent on my face, for I did not need to answer. Grateful of the prospect of sleep, I stood up, offered my congratulations to Jiraiya, Kiku and Teuchi-san, and went back down to reception with the boss. We briefly parted ways at the desk – the boss borrowing my phone to let the hotel staff know we were arriving (he had misplaced his), as I headed outside for a bit of fresh air.
Outside, I saw Ayame standing next to a potted plant, leaning against one of the artfully placed concrete pillars. She spotted me, smiled and waved me over. Glad to have a chat with her (because she's always good, sensible company) I went and stood by her.
"I'm an auntie now, Sasuke," she said, by way of opening.
"Yeah. Must be weird."
"It is a bit," she replied, folding her arms and shivering a little against the spring chill of the night. "It's not like being a sister. I remember the very day Kiku was born, and this doesn't quite feel like it."
"What does it feel like?"
"I don't know. I remember my parents saying, 'This is your little sister. You have to take care of her' and I remember thinking, yeah, I'm gonna beat up anyone who calls her names! It was like, a kid's reaction to responsibility, I guess, and I didn't really know what I was thinking. But now I'm the grown-up, and I suppose I've just begun to realise what it means to take care of someone, to protect them." Ayame laughed and shook her head. "Do you get what I mean, Sasuke, or did none of that make any sense?"
"No, no, it made perfect sense," I replied.
There was a lull for a moment in conversation while we looked up at the night sky, listening to the thundering rumble of buses going about their business, the distant roar of cars and taxis, the raucous shrieks of random clubbers, the wail of a lone siren. Then Ayame broke the silence, saying, "Do you think Itachi remembers when you were born?"
I must confess I had never given thought to the possibility. I shrugged and said, "I'm not sure. He probably does, though, since he was five when I was born."
"I'm sure he remembers."
"Well, he's never said anything about it. Not that he would. Stuff like that freaks him out a bit. Funny you should mention him, though. I was thinking about him earlier on."
"Really? When was that?"
"Round about the time I learned my best friend is named after a character in a porn novel."
"What?"
"Don't ask," I said, waving my hand in dismissal. "But do you remember the weasels at all? The ones that lived in the woods down behind our house?"
Ayame let out a shout of laughter and clapped her hands. "Of course I remember the weasels! Itachi used them for his summer project in elementary school. It was really good. He had videos of the weasels dancing and playing with each other and hunting and doing weasel stuff, and our teacher said it was the best summer project she'd ever seen."
"Yup. That's Itachi. And those were the weasels."
"Yeah, Itachi took me down to see them one day after school, and when we walked back, we found a big clump of irises. Itachi wanted to cut some and press them in a book so he could study them later, but I told him not to, that it was better just to let them grow. I bet he sneaked out later, though, and did it anyway."
"He did," I said, smirking. "I helped him."
"You Uchihas are disgraceful," she said, giving me a playful cuff on the shoulder.
"Yup. That's us!" I said, grinning cheekily. "But hey, listen, I'd better go in. The boss is phoning the hotel staff to let them know we're coming, god help them, and he's probably looking for me. It was nice talking to you, though. And congratulations!"
"See you, Sasuke!" Ayame called out. I could see her reflection waving as I jogged through the automatic glass doors, grateful for the warm blast of air the overhead heaters provided. At reception, Kabuto was sitting waiting, ready to go, and Naruto was saying goodbye to Sakura. Since the boss hadn't materialised yet, I figured I had a few minutes, so I sat down and took a load off. Out of the corner of my eye, I happened to spot the boss's phone lying, half-buried under a pile of magazines. Being considerate as I am, I picked it up, thinking I would be kind and return it to him. With the phone in my hand, I decided to search go in search for its owner, when it vibrated once, and then again.
I frowned, wondering who would be texting my significant other at this ungodly hour. When I was certain no one could see me, I opened the text and read it.
'That's wonderful news, Orochimaru-sama. Give my congratulations to Jiraiya and Kiku. I very much look forward to your return. Kimi x"
Orochimaru-sama, however, would never find out just how much Kaguya Kimimaro looked forward to his return, because I deleted the text. Then I announced to Naruto and Kabuto that I was going to the bathroom, took his phone into a disabled toilet, locked myself safely inside, dropped the phone on the floor and stamped on it repeatedly until the screen cracked and the circuit board lay exposed and ground into the tiling. Pocketing the sim card, I disposed of the rest of the evidence in a nearby bin and walked out, cool as you like. When the boss asked later if I had seen his phone, I smiled, linked my arm through his and said no.
I think I might buy the boss a little present. A new phone would do nicely. Maybe one of those cool, new iPhones? As a bonus, I'm considering pre-programming in a few numbers. As a safety measure, I will have certain ones blocked. Yes. I find that a wonderful idea. I shall drop in at the Apple store tomorrow before we head out to Otogakure. I'm sure the boss will love it, and will thank me for being so considerate.
AN: The kid has officially been born, and already it moves in illustrious circles. Imagine having Oro and Tsunade as your godfather and godmother, respectively. Heaven help the poor thing. :P I hope it doesn't soak up any of their characteristics. Now, I know I said to a few folk that Naruto's parents wouldn't come up in the story. What can I say? I changed my mind. This chapter seemed like the perfect time to bring it up... so I did. XD
I have also been watching the anime, specifically, episode ninety-one of the Shippuuden filler arc. Though it is shaping up to be fairly dire (though nothing can beat Tony/Mizuki the Tiger) there was a rather awesome scene. I shall describe it the way I described it to pikagirl. It is the bit where Oro is all "MUAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HA!!!" while he was about to inject a random guy with some weird shit - the random guy who was strapped to a steel stretcher and screaming "Noes! Don't inject me with your weird shit!" It was really quite creepy. I watched that part three times. XD I think we need more of that in the manga. No one else oozes pure evil like Oro does. I am not at all convinced by Pain as a villain.
The next chapter should be quite fun, since it sees the return of the Akatsuki mob.
Now onto the thank-yous! :)
uberhaxxor of pwnage (Don't be too disappointed that Kimi didn't get one over on Sasuke. He's biding his time. I'm not saying that it will definitely happen, but watch this space. ;))
NayanRoo (Ha, I'm glad you liked Sasuke's ass-kicking episode. I think The Sauce would've been only too glad you join you in your butt-wiggle dance. XD And weddings... oh my god. I've not been to that many, but the gossip was the one thing I picked up on. Especially all the women getting together. "Oh, lookit the size of 'er arse in that dress!" "There he goes, away up to the bar again." Yup. Gossip central. As for the Lion King stuff? Oh my god, I had a *sporfle* moment on the bus home from uni when the idea very inconsiderately popped into my head. How dare it make me look like a sniggering nutcase?)
Kokura (Hey, don't worry about missing a review or two. Just glad to know you're still reading! I came out with thirty-five pretty quickly after thirty-four, though, so I don't blame you for being caught off-guard. XD I'm glad you liked thirty-four, though. I loved writing that one. Loved it to death. I think Kimimaro is a little more poetic than Sasuke, where Sasuke is the more caustic, formal and eloquent. But that's why we love him!)
Nozomi-sama (Got it in one! It was, indeed, a reference to 'Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.' I don't know why, but I knew I had to start it out with that. Must be the beginning of a custom of famous, pop-culture lines as intros. XD And yeah, I do the horror and angst as well as this stuff. Thanks for the reviews for my other Naruto stuff, btw. It's much appreciated. :) Don't know if it's so much skill as schizophrenic tastes in reading material, lol.)
NaruGuru (I am actually with you on the Sakura thing. I do think she has had some sort of feelings for Naruto for a long time, but just hasn't realised it because Sasuke, the pretty boy, was there, and she believed that because he was so wonderful that she should like him. Now that he's gone, she can see just how great Naruto is and she can act on it. She's not bitchy, like Oro and Sasuke, she's just doing what she thinks is right.)
R.O.S. (Oh my god. You're totally right. Mallory hasn't made an appearance in a long time. I have had something in mind concerning the dear, fluffy one for a long time now, but since it's not quite time for it to happen, I guess he's been sidelined a bit. Fear not. I'll update you next chapter!)
Michiru(Yay! A new reviewer! Though not a new reader, it seems. Thanks for taking the time to write one. It's always much appreciated, and I like talking to you guys. The ADitL Sasuke is most definitely not canon Sasuke, but you're right that he has elements of his personality, lol. As for Kimi... yeah. I'm with you on that all the way. I do feel really sorry for him. His obsession with Oro has driven him a bit mental. He really, really loves him, but it's a crazy, jealous sort of love. Not so good. As for Sakura, I think she sort of had feelings for Naruto before, but was blinded by Sasuke's very obvious, flashy, pretty-boy brilliance - the person she sort of convinced herself she should like. Now that he's gone, she can see Naruto for how great he really is. Unfortunately for her, Hinata saw it from the start (don't worry too much about Hinata - I won't let her be too scarred. :) )
Luna-Lunak (Oh, how you wish for more OroSasu romance. I think I can give it to you, but perhaps not in the way you'd expect. Watch this space. Maybe three chapters from now. You know, though, I love that you're rooting for the OroSasuKikuJiraiya family unconventional family unit. I only invented Kiku as someone to be Jiriaya's much younger girlfriend when the thought of Ino being with Jiraiya just did not sit well with me. And she'ssort of become a little star in this fic! I love her to pieces now. She's matured quite a lot too, I think.)
Ladyrouge214 (Ahhh... I should've noticed the 214 in your name. Or checked your profile. That might've helped. XD As far as the SakuNaruHina triangle goes, you'll just have to watch this space. In fact, I think... yes! It'll all be resolved in the next chapter.)
Bri (Hey, that's okay. Don't worry about missing a review or two. I updated pretty quick last time round and I think I caught a few people off guard. If you were shocked about a twelve year old knowing about sex in the last chapter, then I cannot imagine the horror you must feel after this one. XD It's not as rare as you think. I knew some pretty wild twleve year olds myself. The Lion King thing totally made me giggle as well. It just popped into my head one day, and I was like MUST WRITE!! Poor Kakashi. :P As for Itachi, it won't be long before you see him. Next chapter, actually!)
YoungSasuke (Y hello thar, YoungSasuke! Thankye for the compliment. I blush a deep and furious red. And yes, Kimimaro-kun did, indeed, get PWNT, but he will be back...)
Neko Oni (Yay! A new reviewer! Thanks so much for taking the time to let me know you like ADitL. It's always much appreciated. And you're not the only one who doesn't like OroSasu but seems to like this fic. Maybe it's because it's an AU and because the stuff they get up to sometimes is so deliberately ludicrous, it doesn't grate? Who knows! XD Also, wow... you have a co-worker hooked? That... is fantastic. I must say when I read that part of your review it really made my day, because I've always wondered if this fic could stand up on its own without a reader knowing anything about Naruto - and I guess it does. :) I'm going off to squee now! XD)
Sehpi (I do apologise wholeheartedly to your dog for freaking it out by proxy. XD And I did like that first line as well. I think I might be starting a tradition of pop-culture intro lines for the openings of chapters. I wonder what I can come up with next time? Glad I made your day better, and hope you liked this one.)
Cyaniona (Hello again! Yes, I like doing these thank you sections, because the way I see it, without your readers, you're nothing. So I take the time out to thank people for reviews. Keeps the balance going. Oh, I'm glad you liked the Lion King bits. I just about died when the idea popped into my head. I was like LULZ! MUST WRITE! Also, yes, Oro can be quite charming and sweet when he feels like it. Though you've got to watch out for him, because he can be VERY nasty too. I get the funniest feeling we'll be seeing that other side of Oro. You've seen bits of it already, but that's nothing. ;))
Kutsushita-Socks (Oh lulz... XD I understand your woe. I was actually on the bus on the way into uni when I thought of that Scar from the Lion King thing. I had to fight really hard to stop people from thinking I was a total, sniggering nutcase.)
Chromde (Seriously, man. You should go look up that video if you haven't already. It's called "Jabdah" by Koto. It'll give you a good laugh if nothing else. XD Yeah, and you gave me an idea for the opening of this chapter. I don't normally do that (because everything is planned out) but I had a wicked idea and I just had to use it. So yeah, thanks for the prompt! As for the Lion King stuff... gah, it made me giggle as well. Worse still, I was on the bus at time time when it popped into my head, so I had to fight to keep a straight face.)
fiore777 (Hey, don't worry about missing a review or two. I know you're really busy and stuff, and I think I caught a lot of people off-guard with the magically fast updates with thirty-four and thirty-five. Because, let's face it, I usually write at a snail's pace. XD Yes, after the Hidan and Kakuzu honeymoon period, they just had to go and revert to a filler arc (in which Oro is very badly animated, like wtf?). But that part with Oro being all mad-scientist like was gold. More of that please! :D)
BMIK (I'm glad you liked the switching of perspective earlier on. I was halfway through writing thirty-five when I had one of those horrible 'ohshit...' moments when you know, you juts know, something's missing. Then I realised that even though Kimi was there, the threat of him being there wasn't convincing enough, and that I couldn't do anything about it from Sasuke's perspective. So I switched for a bit. But man, I loved writing thirty-four. Kimi is more poetic, I think, than formally eloquent like Sasuke, and it was nice to shake things up a bit. Also, shades of grey ftw. I hate black and white good guy, bad guy set ups.)
metal-mako-dragon (Another new reviewer? Double yay!! :) Thanks so much for taking the time out to write a few reviews. It's much appreciated! But you know what? As soon as I read your second review, I thought, "Yep. This one's from the UK." Then I checked your profile, and I was right. You know why? Because British people always spot the Toblerones in mini-bars. Either that, or the triangular menaces bloody well follow us all over the place! There is a mystery there that needs solving, I feel. Also, liquid chipboard. Hee! XD)
Kokura (Aieeeee! -runs for fire extinguisher and puts out the blaze- There. Can't have you burning to a crisp now, can we? There are no third-degree burns in the ADitL universe. XD It seems, though, that you are very perceptive. I am definitely easing the drama into the story, rather than thumping it down onto the table and saying "How about that for a beauty, eh?" I think it's more convincing that way, because Kimi is more of a subtle game player - and besides, he has a tough opponent in Sasuke. But yes. Glad you're still liking it!)
Beqs (Hi again! Don't worry about missing a couple of reviews. It's just nice to know you're still here and reading. Besides, I think the lightning fast update speed between thirty-four and thirty-five caught a few other people off guard too. Normally, I am a slow-ass updater. XD The many tenses and context-changes don't sound like much of a selling point to me. XD I remember talking to a Finnish guy in second year and he said Finnish has fifteen cases. Fifteen! What do they do with them all? Seriously. There is no need for fifteen cases! Glad you liked the last chapter, though, and I hope you liked this one.)
chibibaka1 (Y hello thar! Always nice to see your name cropping up on the review boards. And I totally agree with you on Sasuke. His cockiness is indeed astounding. As the story's progressed, it's got worse and worse. I don't think being with Oro has helped him much on that front. What Kimi said about Oro indulging him isn't far off the mark. And hey, you're pretty perceptive too. I think you're right that Sasuke's lashing out at Kurenai's little sister was born from insecurity about Kimi. Even though he brushes Kimi aside (and underestimates him) he still has that little niggling doubt in the back of his mind. It shows itself at the end of this chapter, actually. So yeah. Good eye!:)
Roxanne Morinaka (Wow, another new reviewer! I'm doing well this time round. XD Thanks so much for taking the time out to review, btw. I like to know whether people are digging it or not, and they're always very much appreciated. :) And you read all thirty-five chapters at once? Wow! XD How long did that take you? This fic's getting hella long. Must've been a couple of hours at least. You won't have to wait long for Itachi, he's coming up next. As for Madara? Watch this space...)
insomniac owl (Okay, I have to say that when your name popped up on the review boards, I did a little NayanRoo style butt-wiggle dance, because I rather like your OroSasu stuff. In fact, scratch 'rather like'. It's more like, 'OMG LOVE'. I definitely agree with you that Kakashi is not at all well characterised. As I said to you earlier, I've just never really been able to capture the Mysterious Essence of Kakashi. He's actually a hard character to write. Or maybe I just didn't devote enough time to studying him. I can't do anything about Sasuke in this fic, though. XD He's the humour mill that drives the story, and if I changed him, it wouldn't be half as funny. But bloody hell, how long did it take you to read all of it? Must've been ages! So, so glad you're liking it, though. It's made my day, really it has. :))
juju138 (So many yays going out here, because it seems I have myself another first time reviewer! Though not first time reader, it seems. But that's okay, because I just like to know that people out there are enjoying ADitL. Thanks very much for taking the time to review, btw. It's always appreciated. :) I definitely agree with you about the importance of the AU setting. If it had been anything else but, the story definitely wouldn't have worked. It needs the office environment and the humourous, everyday, little things to keep it going.)
Oleve (And another new reviewer? Man, this is really making my day! :D Seriously, though, thanks for leaving a review. I like talking to my readers and saying thanks, because without them, an author is pretty much nothing. Kimimaro is definitely a little disturbed. He has latched onto this idea of Oro as The Perfect Person and no one else comes close. I think he has been blinded by Oro's charisma and charm, and it's made him a bit mental. But sure you can be creative! I'm sure you're really good. I guess you just have to bring yourself round to the fact that some characters are there for a purpose and that you have to make sure they serve their purpose. All characters are, in the end, slaves to the story.)
Well, thanks again guys! Hope you liked this chapter.
Next up? The return of Akatsuki...