And now, the inside of Virges more stable side of his head.
...
Virge's (Derek?) POV
"Hoorah, bitches! Hoo fucking rah!" Donut said.
"Yeah, suck it Blues!" Simmons said.
"The next one's blowing your armor clean off!"
"Or it will just hurt you a lot! You know some of us realize that's enough. Why do you keep making it weird?"
"I'm pretty sure it will blow the rest of the body to bits." I said.
"Nice shot. Hit 'em again, Simmons."
"Roger."
"Did we hit 'em?"
"I don't know. Hard to tell."
"Missed, bitches!"
"I think we missed." I said.
"Ah, dammit."
"I have a plan. We need to use stealth."
"Alright, I'm in!" I said. I'm a master at stealth.
"Ok. Let's try this. Sir, you lay down some cover fire. Simmons, the two of us can sneak around their backside and slip on in."
"That's what she said!" I said.
"Ok. Just saying stealth was enough, man. We don't need to expand on good ideas. Especially after other people have already agreed to them."
"Sounds good, sir. I mean wait. I'm the sir. But we should do that. Make it so."
"Hey, Reds. Yo. Hold on a second. Cease fire."
"Unless your bringing a white flag, I'm gonna shoot you anyway." I said.
"Wait a minute, Virge?" Goddammit!
"I'm Derek! Your The original Church, of the blue team, my enemy. Remember your role." I said.
"You fucked everything up." He said.
"It was like it when I got here. If you have any problems, go back to that blue recruit, Caboose. Otherwise, I'm gonna shoot you." I said. He left.
"What was his problem?" Sarge asked.
"Rounding error." I replied.
...
Caboose is sort of the reset button for this alternative reality. If he wants stuff fixed, he needs him to do it. I take it he did have a problem, because I woke up on that same morning, an hour later. God time travel is confusing.
So I guess he has some problem. I decided to see what I could do to change them, but I only got Grif to become (somewhat) lazy. Simmons was unchanged, since he was programed by himself. He was the one that programmed the Reds, so I know he is the key to fixing the Reds. I don't know how to fix them though. I just increased Sarge's aggression, Made Grif Lazier, Donut less manly. (I wish I didn't have too.) The only reason I keep doing this is because Church keeps making me adjust them.
...
"Suck it blue!" Simmons yelled.
"Yeah, suck it blue!" Donut said.
"Are they dead?" Sarge asked.
"Missed bitches!" Tucker yelled.
"I think we missed." I said.
"Dammit!" Sarge yelled.
"Aright, I'm going to flank them. Donut, your with me." I said.
"Yeah. Let's slip through their back ends." Donut said.
"That's what she said!" I said. I'm pretty sure the only reason I'm Derek in here is because he was thought to be me by West before she was proven wrong after the church was released.
"Hey, Reds. Yo. Hold on a second. Cease fire." Oh for gods sake.
"If you don't have the White flag, I will shoot you." I yelled.
"Who is that? Is it a blue? If it is, shoot him now!" Sarge yelled.
"It's one blue." I said.
"By himself. He's fucked." Sarge said.
"Of coarse he is sir." Simmons said.
"That guy is gonna get fucked!" Donut said.
"That's what she said!"
"Hey guys, hold up. Can you hear? Hello?" I shot him in the leg. "Ow! Jesus! What the hell?! Cease fire man, it's me!"
"We know. That's why we're shooting you." Sarge said.
"I just wanna talk for a second."
"Why would we talk to you. We aren't at any semblance of anything other than mortal enemies right now." I hope he understood that.
"What? Oh. Right. Crap, I just fucked up." Church said.
"Let's see if he has anything worth listening to." I said.
"Ok. Something is wrong. You guys still aren't right."
"Really? It's how I remember it. Sarge is a respectably ranked shotgun wielding, blue hating, Grif despising, aggressively mediocre leader. Grif is a lazy, worthless, authority disrespecting orangish–yellow fatass. Donut is the pink guy who says stuff that make it easy for me to make my jokes, make him sound gay, and look stupid." I said.
"Yeah. Wait, what?" Donut said.
"And there was never anything wrong with Simmons." I said.
"It's not Simmons I'm worried about. Where's sarge's southern accent. Why does the car have rockets. Where's Lopez. There's stuff that's missing." Church said.
"Does it really matter. It's just a memory." I sort of paused the place. "It doesn't have to be perfect."
"You don't understand." He said.
"Your becoming just like him. That's why I put her here. I know who your becoming. And you aren't going to find what your looking for. You never will." I said.
"Not if you don't help me." He said.
"You know what. I'm going to let you do it. See if I care." I let the thing play, but now Derek was thinking for himself. I was watching over everything, sort of like Vic.
...
"Okay world, do your fucking worst! 'Cause I sure as hell just did mine." Church said. I appeared next to him.
"Well, I'm glad you finally learned your lesson." I said. Suddenly, the sky broke open. Caboose was there.
"Uh—I see him, he's in there. He is okay!"
"Oh my God, Caboose is God!" Derek Yelled.
"What? Let me see? It's a bunch o' circuits you moron!"
"Oh my God, SARGE IS JESUS!" Derek yelled.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Sarge yelled.
"It's not the end of the world, it's you being saved from it." I said.
"NO!" West walked over.
"Hey, I see him. Well, I do have an AI, so I see computers itself different though. Maybe having 3 AI in his head left him like that." She said. "Let's get him out, and get this thing off Virge."
"No, no, stop! Leave me here!" Church yelled.
"Too late." I said.
...
West's POV
Virge began laughing hysterically once he got up. I don't know what happened in that unit, but it seems like the funniest thing that he saw in his life. I have never seen him laugh this hard. He was choking on his own spit. I didn't think that was possible.
"U- saving you. Y-we found you in the place where they were keeping you and we traveled a really really long way to come to this place, and fought a bunch of people, and then fought a bunch of more people, and then we got you and took you and saved you, the end."
"But why would you do that? Why?!"
"Besides draining Virge's brain activity to keep the Unit running since it's different from normal AI units, we also had the best living freelancer forcing us to do it." I said.
"Hey, we are clearly taking fire out here." Grif yelled.
"Who're you- who're you talking about, Tex? The real Tex?" Church asked.
"I said living freelancers. No, we got some one worse." I said.
"What? The Meta?" He said.
"No. His first victim." I said.
"Hey there, Alpha. Been looking for you for a long time."
"Oh no."
"Wait, she's alive!" Virge said, ceasing his laugher.
"Now that I've found you, you're gonna help me do what I should have done years ago: you're gonna help me kill the Director."
"Aw crap." Virge said.