November 7th 1895: Christine
I had expected that the children would never be able to go to sleep, just a few hours after hearing the exciting and possibly also worrying news that they had a sister they hadn't known about. Yet to my surprise, just the contrary was the case. Antoinette seemed to have burned all her reserves by asking countless questions for the rest of the evening, and Philippe, who had let his sister do the talking and hadn't said all that much himself, was obviously tired after the long day with his father.
Only about half an hour later than usual, the children were fast asleep in their beds. I had just thrown a last glance into Antoinette's room and was about to close the door when I was joined by Meg.
"How did it go?" she asked in a concerned voice. "I mean, if you want to talk about it… You don't have to, of course…"
"It's all right," I assured her.
I was touched by the effort she made. She really seemed to have understood something. Yet now that I didn't have to, I felt that I wanted to talk, though perhaps not about every detail. But I wanted to prove that my decision to tell the children what they needed to know had been right.
"It went rather well," I said. "I simply told them the truth, and they accepted it. Antoinette had a thousand questions, as you can probably imagine, but that's normal for her."
"Questions? What about?" Meg asked. "About Erik and you?"
"No, fortunately not," I replied. "I wouldn't have had any idea what to say about that topic. No, her questions mainly were about the flat we'll have. Will she have her own room there? Will it be as big as her room here? Will there be enough space for her to practice dancing? Will the flat be close to the opera?"
"And what did you tell her?" my friend wanted to know.
"The truth," I answered simply. "I told her that I didn't know what kind of flat we'll live in, but I'll try to bear her wishes in mind."
Meg frowned.
"And was she content with those answers?" she asked.
"No," I said with a little laugh. "You know Antoinette. She won't be content until she has picked the flat herself. But I'm afraid it'll be money that has the final word. We won't be able to afford the kind of splendour she's used from this house."
"If there's anything Jean and I can help you with…" Meg started, but I interrupted her.
"No," I said firmly. "I'm grateful for all the things you did for me, but I can't accept any more help from you. We'll get by. Raoul gives me enough money. We won't have a flat with twenty rooms, like your little palace here, but Antoinette will have to get used to it."
Meg looked at me with a very strange expression on her face.
"You're really doing this," she muttered, sounding half surprised, half awe-struck. "You're really doing this."
"I have to," I told her. "I've been relying on others far too long. It's time to live my own life."
Silence followed my words. Meg and I turned away from the door of Antoinette's room and made our way down the corridor, towards the nursery. It was our usual evening routine. I had sometimes considered it a little boring to do everything in the same way. Today, however, it made me almost wistful. I wondered how many times I'd still be doing it. Ten times, maybe only five? How long would it take me to find a flat and leave Meg's home for good? I was looking forward to living alone, I really was, but… I hadn't quite grown used to the thought yet.
"When will you tell Erik and Raoul?" Meg asked, putting an end to my pondering.
"Actually… I wasn't planning to tell them at all," I admitted. "The children can do it. I guess Antoinette will tell Raoul the moment he comes to pick them up the next time, and Philippe will tell Erik. It's not that I don't want them to know where they can find me," I added hastily, seeing the sceptical expression on Meg's face. "I just… don't want to see them."
"But you will tell them about Clarille, won't you?" my friend wanted to know. "Won't you?" she repeated when I didn't reply right away.
"Actually…" I said again. "I've changed my mind about it. Now that there's a new woman in both their lives…" I shrugged, trying my best to sound casual. "They wouldn't want me anymore, with or without the child."
"What do you mean?" Meg gasped. "Raoul has…?"
I had completely forgotten that I hadn't told her about it yet. But it didn't matter either way. Briefly I outlined what I had seen last night.
"So you have to understand that I couldn't have possibly told him about Clarille," I finished.
"But maybe it was not the way it seemed," Meg argued, her eyes shiny with curiosity. "Maybe the woman really was who her said she was. It's not impossible, is it? If you's just go to him and – "
"No," I said flatly. "I don't want to. He has his life, and I have mine. If he wants to change that… well, he'll know where to find me. The same goes for Erik."
"But don't you want to meet him?" she asked. "I mean, really meet him, just the two of you?"
I stared into space for a moment, barely aware that we had reached the door to the nursery. It was such a tempting idea, Erik and I talking alone, without that Marcella to distract us. But then…
"What would be the point?" I muttered, my high spirits evaporating as quickly as they had appeared. "Even if he agreed to meet me alone, which I'm not sure he would, it wouldn't change a thing. It wouldn't make the girl vanish. She's there, and they are in love with each other. Talking would only tear open old wounds."
Meg opened her mouth, then closed it again.
"It's your decision," she said after a moment. I could hear how hard it was for her to utter those words. "So you won't tell the men about the child. I can understand that. But what about everyone else? I mean, people will be bound to notice that there will be one child less in this house and one child more in another one. Are we supposed to tell the neighbours that Clarille simply disappeared? And how will you explain that she's with you?"
I turned around to face her, realising that we couldn't enter the nursery before we had discussed the matter. Our loud voices would wake up the little ones. Fortunately, I had already given the problem some thought.
"I'll move into a part of Paris where no one knows me," I told her. "It has been such a long time since my name was in the newspapers. The chances of someone recognising me after all those years in which I haven't been on stage are remote. And who will care whether a woman no one has ever seen before has two or three children? I don't know what we'll do about this neighbourhood, though…"
I glanced at my friend hopefully and instantly hated me for it. Hadn't I wanted to do everything on my own? Why was I asking for help yet again?
Yet Meg didn't seem to mind. She gave me a warm smile.
"We'll find a solution," she promised. "It can't be that difficult…" She screwed up her face in concentration. "Yes, that could work," she muttered after a few moments. "We've never taken the little ones outside too often, have we? So it will hardly make any difference to the neighbours if I let Michel stay inside from now on. I'm sure they won't grow suspicious as long as they see Clarille and Michel every now and then, and that could be done when you come to visit us. They'll never know that just one child actually lives in the house."
"Good idea," I praised her. "It's just like Erik arranged it for the time of his absence."
"That is where I got the idea from," she admitted. "It worked well for Erik, so I thought it would work for us, too. It also has the advantage that it involves no lying."
"That is always good," I commented. I didn't have to tell her how tired I was of lying. Then a new thought sprang to my mind. "What about your servants, though? They'll notice Clarille is gone."
"Well, I guess we'll have to fill them in on the secret, at least on the part they need to know," Meg replied with a little sigh. "But I'm sure they won't tell anyone. Marie has been with us since she was fourteen years old, and Mme.Bajard… well, she's more loyal than she looks. Besides, she knows that she wouldn't find another job at her age… at least not one that pays so well."
"I'll have to tell Larisse, Marielle and Gabriel, too," I mused aloud. "But they all know how to keep a secret. Some of them will have to look for new positions, though. Jacqueline and Larisse will come with me, of course, and maybe also Marielle, but I don't think I'll still need a coachman. I probably won't even have a coach."
"We'll find a solution," Meg repeated kindly. "A good coachman like your Gabriel will easily get a new job. There's just one more thing…" She threw me a sad glance.
"Yes?" I asked in a small voice. What else had I overlooked?
"I'll miss you when you're gone," she said softly. "You'll always be my best friend."
"I'll miss you, too," I whispered, pulling her into an embrace. I knew that no matter how far away I'd move and how many other things would happen to me, I'd always remember this moment of perfect friendship.