Chapter Thirty-Six: Stepping Stone—Day 220
(Shared POV)
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Bo's POV
"I can't believe I passed out," I laugh into my pillow, my mouth sprouting words that my mind is not fully aware of. Sorta like when you're in that half-awake, half-asleep state and suddenly you think the sleep situation is real so you start replying to your dream convo.
I breathe in and her scent is still fresh on my pillow, God I love waking up to that—or going to sleep to it—I'm not picky. Rolling my eyes at myself I turn onto my side staring at the wall. The room still nearly pitch black, guess I didn't pass out as long as I thought. Feeling a chill I pull the comforter up, I wish it was her arms around me but I'm used to it not being her embrace—well that and now it is kinda hard considering baby bump.
"What happened to your big talk about not being tired?" I ask softly and wait for a response—but get none. Pfft. Light-weight. I laugh to myself before rolling onto my back; I reach out for her-to find nothing.
Sitting up a sense of panic spreading through me I look down and she isn't there. I take a breath and try to remember if it was a dream. Did I dream her coming here? Did I dream what we did? I look down at myself, naked with the exception of the comforter. A huge hickey on my breast, just above my nipple, and another one on my shoulder.
Well, I didn't give myself them so obviously not a dream.
Sighing I push myself from the bed, she isn't in the room or bathroom. Pulling the door open I walk into the hall, nope. Walking along passing the temporarily empty kid's bedrooms, passing the guest bathroom. Walking half way down the stairs into an empty apartment—loft-whatever the fuck it is.
Snorting at my own stupidity I take a seat on the steps and stare at the screen of the television.
I swear I have to be the stupidest person ever. Like I really have to take the cake. Like on a list of dumb-asses I am number one on the ALL TIME list.
How do I keep falling into this? How? HOW? It's the same thing over and over and over—it's like the merry-go-round from hell. And I keep having chances to get off—in fact I bring the damn thing to a stop, have one foot on the grass but then BAM, I somehow begin on the ride again.
Maybe I need therapy—maybe I should go see that Emily chick. Maybe we'll all get a discount, three for the price of one.
What the hell am I supposed to do now?
I did, I felt a change. I put my foot down—it was working. Then BAM she does something and we're right back to where we started. I should have been a wolf, then at least I could hide behind that one person, one love, one—blah, blah, blah, eternity, forever, blah, blah—CRAP.
I mean yeah, succubi choose mates or whatever but I mean I don't really think it's the same. I'm territorial over sexual things and people flirting and shit like that—that's when you can see mine. Apparently with other Fae it's different. With wolves they become pathetic and felines become Bi-Polar.
Sometimes being Fae sucked.
Always so many rules and laws and stipulations. I mean we couldn't be together because she was human and I wasn't. And yeah I'm now Dark Fae whoop-de-do-da, but if I wasn't again we couldn't be together because she is. There are even rules about how we fall in love a.k.a. mating.
Honestly who sat around coming up with all of these rules?
Running my hands through my hair my eyes dance over the floor, to the coffee table where the, 'Best Baby Names Of 2020's' lays. Me and Lauren weren't—correction aren't exactly talking so we are now over five months with no baby names, none even thought of. I figured the book would help, thought maybe she'd want to look through it with me—HA.
After all Ethan Patrick and Charlotte Isabeau were already taken, her picks for names and my family names. Now what? Maybe we could name them after her parents? Have no idea what their names are but considering she is from money I'm sure they're nice. Although I couldn't do the super-rich names like Thatcher or something like that. Can't do it, my children apparently come out like her so their self-defense skills will be little to none. I can't have them being beat to death on the playground.
I could say it would be different since I will be in the picture this time but let's be honest, Kate's been around since they were seven, if she couldn't get them fighting there was nothing I could have done there.
Jennifer—Jason-Justin-Jay-Jake-Isaac-Isabella-yeah I only made it as far as the Js. I never imagined kids; I mean I did a few lives ago. Way back when I was a country girl living a human life—I barely remember that now. I know I imagined a wedding and kids then but I can't remember anything else about it. When Lauren mentioned she wanted kids she said what names she wanted and that was going to be them, plain and simple. I never thought about kids with Dyson—not in the terms of planning them out. Point is I never planned on having two kids let alone four.
What am I doing?
I'm sitting here naked on my stairs alone in a loft that I don't want mentally debating baby names for the second set of kids I'm having with a women who apparently can't manage to spend the night in my bed with me after showing up for a random succubi-booty-call.
This has to be a new level of pathetic. It has to be.
Lauren's POV
What am I doing?
I keep my eyes shut; leaning against the wall I had been leaning against for fifteen minutes. What was I doing? I didn't sort anything out—well I have but not to the point where she needs me to be. She needs me to be so absolute in my choice and honestly I normally need myself to be absolute in everything I do but these past few months—I'm lucky if I can choose a breakfast and stick to it.
I don't even know what my hesitation is anymore. I just keep circling the wagon for what? Honestly what was I getting from stringing the two of them along? Nothing—a headache? A guilty conscious? I thought when I began ignoring religion that, that overpowering guilt would have gone away, apparently not.
I'm not even sure why I went to her last night. I mean obviously I was aroused and wanted her but that isn't a big change from my everyday life. I just—I needed her. I needed to see her, to feel her, to be near her. Just like every time before logic and resolve melted away
I wish I had the strength to walk away from her-I wish I had the courage to commit.
Taking a breath I force my eyes open and walk the two steps to the door, grabbing the handle with my free hand and pushing it open.
"This is—interesting to say the least." I let out in an awkward chuckle, kicking the door shut with my foot. I know I'm making a face but then again it's not every day you walk into your—um-walk into someone's house to find them sitting naked on the stairs looking as if they are trying to solve world hunger.
"Lauren?" she stares at me as if I'm a ghost.
"Were you expecting someone else?" my brow raises, my hand holding the wall as I kick off my shoes.
"You weren't here,"
"I know." I walk to the island-divider thing; dammit I forgot to look up what that was called. Oh well. Letting out a yawn, I set down the cardboard cup holder with a half drank, extra-large moca fappe and hot chocolate before the bag from the bakery. "You fell asleep and I had a serious craving. You didn't have any more pregnant Lauren friendly food around so I wasn't left with much of a choice." I continue to talk taking off my jacket, tossing it on the couch.
"So you didn't run,"
"Bo I'm the size of a beached whale, I'm not running anywhere."
"I meant-"
"I get what you meant," I lean against the couch and stare at her trying to ignore the fact she is naked. Not half naked or three-fourths but entirely naked. "I was just hungry."
"You should have woke me, I would have gone."
"You were tired."
"That doesn't matter, you're-"
"Pregnant? Yeah I know Bo, I've been here before where I didn't have anyone even wanting to go out for my things. I can take care of myself,"
Bo's POV
"You know maybe if you didn't remind everyone of that every ten seconds, then maybe you could actually let someone get close to you."
"Someone?"
"Yeah. Me—Kate-I don't have another name." it always sounds better when you have three point but oh well,
"I'm sorry when did you and Kate become BFF's?"
"I don't like her, but the fucked up thing Lauren is that you've put me and her in the same boat. You've tossed us both in this tiny raft and threw us out in the middle of the ocean—in the winter—in the freezing cold—with no blanket—or extra clothes—or-."
"I get it."
"Do you?"
"I think I liked it better when you just wanted to kill her," she gives that annoyed grin she gets as she shakes her head at me, looking down toward the floor.
"Why can't you just be honest?"
"I'm beginning to think I should have went-"
"Home?" I ask, eyes narrowing. "Lauren, where exactly is home for you now? It's not the house you had with her. It's not Evony's loft. And apparently it isn't here. So tell me, where is home?"
"My home is where ever my children are, luckily two of them are currently attached." she chuckles and I know she is trying to move the conversation into lighter territory but it just doesn't work.
"Nothing has changed,"
"That's not true, I think this is the first time we've had an argument where you were fully naked."
"This isn't an argument Lauren." I shake my head, a cold laugh escaping as I grab the railing pulling myself up ignoring the shooting pain in my thigh. "Having a discussion you don't like doesn't make it an argument, it just makes it an adult conversation."
"You want to lecture me on the requirements for adulthood?"
"Someone has to," I glare, eyes meeting hers for several seconds so I know my words sink in before I turn around and head back up the stairs.
Lauren's POV
I don't bother to watch her walk away; I know this game, we both play it very well. She is going to walk away thinking that I will watch her, feel bad and then follow her like a lost puppy. Well you know what? I don't want to play this game. I'm tired and hungry, plus the ridiculousness of having her turning this into some sort of fight over—what?
Walking to the counter I pull my drink from the holder and start sipping it, I'm fully aware I'll probably end up throwing this up later on but then again nearly everything made me throw up at some point now.
I just don't know what she wants from me? What? I'm here; I am trying the best I can. I don't understand why this is so hard for her to deal with; I spent the entire first three years of knowing her dealing with her indecision.
Dyson. Me. Dyson. Me. Ryan. Dyson. Me. Tamsin. Whoever else walked by.
Don't I deserve the same leeway?
Apparently not, since she decided to finally apply a little thing called maturity to her life. I slam the cup back down with a sigh suddenly not in the mood for a delicious snack.
Why was this so hard? Was it supposed to be this hard?
I mean I could discuss anything with Kate and it didn't have to turn into a fight but with Bo it was like a minefield. I had come back. I was here. I didn't run off—I could have, but I didn't. I was trying—why couldn't she see this.
Sighing again I roll my eyes at myself and do the very thing I swore I wouldn't do, I track her down to our—her bedroom.
She is in shorts and a t-shirt now sitting propped up against the headboard, looking down at her ipad.
"Stephanie and Lucas"
"That is a weird way to start an apology."
"Who said I'm apologizing?"
"I know you; you'll apologize without actually saying the words." She flicks the screen with a little excessive force.
"I found the post-it in the baby book down stairs; ask Lauren the names of her parents."
"Oh," she nods, swiping her finger over the screen again refusing to look at me. Sometimes I miss the fight—I hate this passiveness she has acquired. I guess because it makes me feel like the ass. "Do you like those names?"
"Not particularly, I mean they are fine names I just don't want to name my children after them."
"Well, then I guess I'll keep looking."
"Did you have one you liked?"
"Nope."
"There has to be one you favor?"
"Lauren I could care less if their name was Bill-Bob one and two, I'm going to love them the same, and I'm not good at this stuff. You picked out two excellent names the first time,"
"Then why the book?"
"I thought it would be nice for us to look through it together," she looks up, features beyond the point of being tense. "Stupid me."
"Bo,"
"Lauren I keep living in this fantasy and thinking about movies and playing situations out in my head about how they should go, how it should be but it doesn't happen that way. I got the damn book cause I thought it would be a nice bonding thing for us to do, even involve the kids. I watch these stupid youtube videos on parenting so that I don't seem so stupid when talking to you. I have seven different parenting books on my Ipad, all of which I have read. I've been shopping online for cribs and strollers and changing tables but I don't buy any because I think that is something we should do together."
"We still have time,"
"You're over five months Lauren, I'm no genius but in three months they are going to be coming out and we have nothing for them. We don't even know if they're going to live here or are you getting a place—or hey crazy idea, are WE getting a place? Are we even a we?"
"It's back to this," I clear my throat I look down at her Ipad rather than into her eyes.
"No. I just want to know some answers Lauren because if you don't start making an effort with me then I am going to start making some decisions without you. Ones that aren't just whether or not I am dating someone other than you for a night."
"Such as?"
Bo's POV
I stare at her, fingers nervously tapping the back of my Ipad. I keep my jaw clenched because I know if I don't she will see right through me and I refuse for that to happen. I refuse to fall right back into where I was, a personal doormat.
Yeah, we had sex—fine. It can be just sex—I'm a succubus—it can be JUST sex.
"Such as-whether or not I will remain here in London."
"What does that mean?"
"Let's not pretend you aren't Einstein Lauren, you know what I'm talking about. I've been bringing it up for months now, this isn't my home. I came here because of Dyson, I came here in yet another life I've out grown. I look around and I see nothing but pain and misery. I see places I went with him, places that remind me of him—of what I did. I see places that remind me that you and the kids were living here without me for years. I look around and nothing feels real here, this isn't my home. This is a life for someone else, someone I had become because I lost myself."
"So you're just going to run?"
"No, leaving is not always running. Maybe you need Emily to explain that to you. I've made peace with everything, from Dyson to Kate to who I became. I'm okay with that and in being okay with that—I know what I want."
"Is that supposed to be some dig at me?"
"Yes," I admit. It wasn't a dig in the traditional sense that I said it too hurt her, but it applied to her as much as it did to me and I need her to see that. "Lauren, let's be real, you not choosing has nothing to do with me or Kate anymore. It's all about you."
"I'm not doing this," she snorts shaking her head at me, with that little eye roll she gives—most times it's cute, not now though.
"Did you know that me and Kate had a beer together the other night?"
"Excuse me?" her eyes narrow and had I not known her I would have thought that she may have actually wanted to hit me.
"Yeah, it wasn't a date. God help me if that ever happened, but I was having a drink and she came in and turns out after a pitcher—or three she can have a decent conversation. As it turns out you're being just as stand offish with her, you're playing us both like you're more interested in the other. I remember coming here and sobering up fixating on why you would do that and then I realized that—it's all about keeping us on a string waiting for you."
"Yeah, you're absolutely right. I get my rocks off hurting the people I care about." She snorts, nostrils flaring as she leans more of her weight against the doorframe.
"No, I just think you're being indecisive and aren't realizing that sooner or later we're going to walk away."
"Is that so? I put up with your bullshit—"
"Spare me Lauren! We've all heard it! You are scared. You are afraid. I get it, but you aren't alone. You don't have to be alone. I am here, I am trying. I will die for you, I will live for you and I will march into hell for you—but I will not be a stepping stone for you. I cannot do it again, I can't."
"So what are you saying?" her voice breaks, I know that break all too well. I know the tears are coming, I know she is trying to control her breathing to hide the fact she is hurting to the point where she feels in physically. I want to jump up and hold her, I want to kiss it all away but—I can't.
"I'm saying that I'm beginning to make peace with the idea that me and you as an us, may be another life that is going to be in my past."
"So easy for you, just to leave me still."
"Easy?" I snort tossing my Ipad onto the bed, taking a large, deep breath to remind myself that I can't yell at her. "Every day you were gone I thought I was dying, I thought it was the worst feeling in the world. I made it through life as a zombie, letting little pieces of myself fall away until I was just a shell of myself and it was okay because the best part of me was gone. Then I find you again—taking our children out of this—I find you again and it was like I could breathe again. It hurt with Kate—it hurt almost as much as not knowing where you were."
My eyes lock with hers, and I swear I feel my heart breaking. I know the feeling well by now—I'm just surprised there is anything left to break.
"This though—your indecisiveness over fear—over an inability to let go-it feels like someone is ripping my heart out of my chest over and over again all the while I am forced to watch it happen."
"Bo," she sighs and takes three steps forward but by the way I sit up straight she knows it's not welcome.
"With Kate, I know she loves you and the kids. I know you had a life and I would concede because I would know you were happy. If you were to tell me just to fuck off, that I've hurt you too much for there to ever be an us—then I would concede because I know how bad I've hurt you. But this-? This I can't understand,"
I stare into her eyes and wait for a replay—wait for her to say something but instead after several minutes of silence she just takes a seat at the edge of the bed, back to me.
I wait to see if she is okay—wait to see if she is thinking—wait to see if she is trying to get the courage to say something.
But she just leaves me waiting in the wings as so many times before…..
…...she just doesn't understand this will be the last time.