Unequally Rational and Emotional

by OverMaster

A retelling of the Mahou Sensei Negima storyline with some major changes. The young Negi Springfield is assigned to live with two of his students... Hasegawa Chisame and Hakase Satomi. Rated M for some future chapters.

36. Lesson 31: The Naked Spy

Again! 2814 Girls Fake Name Roll Call!

Asuna= Kanda Akemi

Chisame= Shimura Yumi

Haruna= Ishige Sawa

Setsuna = Kobayashi Yu

SCM's A/N: Not much of me here, as I was rigorously trying to pass Ancient Belkan 13– long story.

OverMaster's A/N: Just to make a few things clear:

The Joker is Tsukuyomi's father in the 2814 continuity, but not the Unequally one.

SCM actually wrote a good chunk of this chapter.

There's actually a good explanation for Eishun, regarding this chapter's ending. Don't jump on conclusions on him yet.

...

Unequally Rational and Emotional

by OverMaster

Lesson 31: The Naked Spy or Nostalgia.

Disclaimer: Mahou Sensei Negima and all related elements and characters are the property and creation of Akamatsu Ken, and the authors of this humble piece has made no material profit from it, and never will do.

Ah my Goddess! and all its characters were created by and are the property of Fujishima Kosuke.

Mai Hime and all its characters belong to Sunrise.

Fate/Kaleid Liner Prisma Illya is written by Hiroyama Hiroshi, and owned by Type-Moon.

Sailor Moon belongs to Naoko Takeuchi.

Batman and all related elements and characters belong to DC Comics.

All other characters mentioned also belong to their respective copyright holders.

Unequally Rational and Emotional created by OverMaster.

The 2814-series created by Shadow Crystal Mage.

Warning: This fic contains unholy levels of crack, crossovers, awesome, madness, crossdressing and slight amounts of Christmas Cake. Try it, it's very good cake. Very sexy cake. The cake just wants to beloved! The cake is not a lie!

...

Na na na na na na- Unequally!

Previously, on Unequally Rational and Emotional...

Joker: Last time we saw our heroes, Negi and Chisame had been rattled by the shocking revelation of their being half-siblings!

Negi & Chisame: Say what?-!

Joker: Meanwhile, with only two weeks left to live, Kuro looks for the Thousand Master, hoping to kill him before he can stage the dreaded return of David Hasselhoff to music!

Asuka: What's wrong with David Hasselhoff?

Joker: Kuro starts coughing blood and guts just as she's confronted by the first of the Thousand Master's elite minions, the feared Hibiki Dan!

Dan: SAIKYOO!-!

Kuro: Hey, I'm supposed to be the one giving the misleading recaps here!

Joker: Commissioner Gordon turns on the Bat-Signal, but the valiant Dark Knight is unable to answer! While he was tired and reeling from the combined attack of his worst enemies, including the handsome, sexy, polite, awesome and humble Joker, Bane broke into his house and his back!

Harley: How comes I didn't get that memo?

Joker: With Bruce W— sorry, Batman, down, young and plucky Tim Drake must fetch newbie hero Jean Paul Valley to assume the mantle of the Bat over other qualified and trusted candidates, while Dick Grayson sits aside eating nachos!

Haruna: Wait a minute, this is the plot for Knightfall!

Deathnote: Tim Drake isn't even Robin in this continuity!

Joker: Can a neophyte Batman claim Gotham back? Or will the forces of darkness prevail? Don't miss the answers in this pulse pounding chapter of Unequally Rational and Emotional!

Erebus: This is supposed to be a Negima fanfic!

Kuro: Damned Joker Immunity!

Calculator: Half siblings? Really?

...

Prologue: Twilight of the Goddesses.

Fifteen years ago.

The black haired boy looked up in awe. The skies had grown as red as blood, and there was a glow in the extremely distant horizon, over the sea, in the south. He wasn't even registering how icy cold the windy air was, or even how his little sister bawled, clutching him and shaking. He could only think of how beautiful those lights were.

There were screams of terror far behind them as well, coming from the village, but again, he wasn't listening anymore.

"K-Keiichi-nii...!" His sister pounded her tiny fists against his chest. "Let's go home...!"

Absently, he put his hands on her shoulders. "Just two minutes more, Megumi-chan..."

Then there was that feminine voice, somehow familiar despite being completely unknown. An even, slow and controlled voice, yet laced with a somber air about it.

"Listen to your sister, boy."

They turned around and looked at the tall woman with dark skin, green eyes and long, wavy, silvery-white hair. She was clothed in deep blue and black, and glared down at them with an expression that was nearly impossible to describe, much less by two little children.

Big Brother instincts kicking in, Keiichi hugged his sister protectively. "Who are you? You aren't from this town."

"No," the woman mused, looking at the big light in the horizon. "I'm far away from home. I lost my way, and I'll never be able to return. But the same thing shouldn't happen to you kids."

"We're okay. We aren't that far off," Keiichi said. "We come here all the time to play..."

"This isn't a time like all the others, Keiichi," the woman told him. She extended a hand to them. "I'll take you back home. Everyone's worried about you."

Megumi seemed ready to follow her, nodding with a tearful smile, but Keiichi held her firmly in place. "How do you know my name? We aren't going with a stranger who's as suspicious as you."

The strange woman blinked, then smiled after a bout of silent outrage. "Good boy. Always the same no matter what. Of course you'll protect your sister. Okay then, I'll step back," she held her hands up. "But go back right now. Children shouldn't be out during times like these."

Morisato Keiichi frowned, but ended up nodding and rushing back for the small coastal village, almost dragging his sister with him. Mom had been exhilarated to no end as soon as she saw them back. Dad said nothing, only hugging them tighter than he ever had before.

Weeks later, Keiichi had heard it all had been because of some weird incident in the South Pole. He hadn't minded it much then, but he thought it was almost a shame he never would see such beautiful skies ever again.

He never saw the dark skinned woman again, either. Although, thinking about it, she was fairly similar to the woman he had met days ago, at Negi-sensei's office. The mother of that Rainyday girl who was juggling several balls right now.

Now.

Keiichi continued dozing off at his train seat, trying to ignore the chattering schoolgirls all around, even those who were whispering about him and Sora and giggling. He had the feeling it'd be for the best to try to ignore them for the trip's duration as long as he didn't have to actually look after their safety. Most of those girls looked like trouble. And those skirts were far too short. Last thing he needed was a misunderstanding damaging his reputation and legal profile forever.

Was that tiny girl actually whispering to her blushing twin sister what he thought he was hearing her whispering?

Definitely better to block it out, he decided.

...

Prologue 2: The Big Summoning.

Night fell over F City, in the Fukuoka Prefecture. It's a simple group of nine words, but it holds a lot of activity.

Yes, I'm sure you've heard something like that somewhere before.

"BWAAA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAAH!" a hyperactive young blond woman clothed in light green marched through the dark streets, swinging a huge curved sword in one hand. "Obliterate! Eliminate! Lord Il Palazzo told me so! Genocide! Manga artist-cide! And an order of homicide to go!"

However, none of the activity featured in this chapter will have anything to do with Secret Organization ACROSS' attempt to assassinate any famous manga artist.

"What?-! NO!-!-!"

Instead, we move the focus of our attention to a huge, majestic, not particularly decadent manor in the city's outskirts, where a tall, attractive young blond woman looked down at her research.

You know, Japan has a lot of relatively tall young blondes for being, well, Japan. But we digress.

Luviagelita Edelfelt, magus, felt a large, disturbing smile creeping up her face, and she welcomed it. To think she'd be part of the Fifth Holy Grail war! Hah! She'd show that bitch Rin. A Servant, yes, she'd finally get a Servant, a real Servant and not just a maid, and as soon as she did, the first order of business would be to get it to kick the Japanese bitch's ass!

Second order of business would be kicking Kanzuki Karin's ass. And then Tenjouin Saki's. And Adilicia Len Masters'. Oh, and don't forget Jinguji Kuesu. Yes, it was going to be a busy month...

She felt an evil laugh bubbling up and didn't even try to suppress it as she threw back her head and made like Neil Patrick Harris in a Joss Whedon production. The shade of the lamp next to her shifted ominously…

The even younger Miyu Edelfelt, in her room, looked up in concern as the sound of her employer's laughter echoed through the mansion, sighed, and went back to cuddling her pillow. It felt like something was lacking there, though…

Meanwhile, in London, one Illyasviel von Einzbern shuddered. Had she just felt arms around her...?

...

One Froggy Evening… I mean, Day.

Natsuki kept on watching the tall woman in the maid outfit sitting in front of her.

Neither of them had made any move or sound for the last few minutes. Their breathing was barely perceptible as well.

With her hands on her knees, Natsuki fought the urge to twitch her itching nose. Somehow, it looked like the creepy gigantic maid would jump on her if she made the slightest sudden motion.

At the same time, Roberta waited for the train to stop with the patience of a sniper on the prowl. She could feel something odd about that girl and her overall stance and attitude, despite the fact she was doing nothing at all. Still, exactly what that was, Roberta couldn't put her finger on it.

She carefully put her umbrella on her lap just in case.

The excited chattering sounds from Class 3-A could be heard from the next car, supplying all the background noise there was. The passengers around the two quietly staring females were too intimidated, for some reason, to make any sounds of their own, except for the small bunch of little girls sitting off by themselves with a blank-faced teenager and being occasionally checked up on by a chaperone.

Natsuki cursed inwardly. The stupid Chao had promised to put her in a car apart from them all...!

Roberta sighed inwardly with sweet relief, even though her face betrayed no change. Oh, her Señorita sounded like she was having so much fun...!

"GET OFF THE BRAT ALREADY, IINCHO!"

"I'M JUST TALKING TO HIM IN A PERFECTLY NORMAL MANNER, YOU DIRTY MINDED APE!"

"THEN WHY ARE YOU RUBBING HIS HANDS THAT WAY, HUH?-!"

"HE JUST TOLD ME HE WAS COLD! I ONLY ATTEMPTED TO WARM HIS FINGERS, WHICH ARE A TEACHER'S LIFE!"

Yes, the Señorita seemed just as lively as ever...

Natsuki, meanwhile, looked at her wristwatch. Dear God, they still weren't halfway there...!

...

"Oh!" Negi said as he returned from the bathroom, finding a large number of the girls playing some sort of card game. "That looks fun! What kind of game is it?"

"It's Overpowered," Yue explained. "It uses thinly veiled, barely legal versions of real-life superheroes and supervillains in duels against each other."

Haruna grinned, holding a few of her cards up. "They've gone way up in price too since an angry Black Adam blew up the company that produced them! I was lucky to buy my full deck the week before!"

"Ah, I see," Negi sweatdropped.

"Ah-hah!" Sakurako told Madoka. "My Salomon Grande depletes all of your Tarantula-Man's hit points! I win!"

Madoka groaned. "I knew I shoulda brought my PSP."

Well, at least they aren't playing Baseball Jaken again, the young teacher told himself before moving on, giving a dozing Evangeline a brief concerned look. Sitting beside her, Chachamaru smiled at him. Relieved, Negi walked back to his seat next to 'Nelly' and tried to relax.

"Tea?" 'Nelly' offered from the thermos he had. "Your favorite."

"Oh, thank you," Negi said, accepting the little cup. Girls watching twitched in jealousy.

"My Sailor Planetoid kills your Asgardian Champion!" Yuuna slammed a card down before Haruna. "How's that, Fangirl?"

"Agh! My faith in the mighty Stormbringer hammer, shattered!" Paru cried. "But you just wait! I still can bring two extra heroes into play with all the points I've amassed! You'll see," she looked into her purse, "... because I have the most powerful card of them all right here—"

Nodoka blinked. "Aren't you suppose to play cards from your deck?"

Then a big, fat green frog jumped out of Haruna's purse, landing stomach-first on her face. "BLERGH! I HATE REPTILES AND AMPHIBIANS! GET THIS THING OFFA ME!"

Fuuka blinked before laughing out loud. "Bwa ha ha! Good one, Misora-chan!"

The pseudo-nun-in-training scowled. "... I'll never shake off this reputation, will I?"

Fumika scowled back, showing her own purse, which had a terrifying jack-in-the-box coming out of it.

Misora shrugged. "Yeah, well, I did that one, but I don't use or manhandle animals! It goes against my principles! Plus, frogs give me warts."

"That's just a baseless superstition," Akira said. "And it's supposed to be toads that give warts, not frogs."

Yue shook her head, noisily sipping from a large glass of juice with small marshmallow pieces floating in it. "How childish. Haruna, really, that's no reason to overreact like—" She recoiled as a smaller, darker frog popped its head out of her drink, making her spit out what she had in her mouth immediately. "Gross!"

Asuna raised an eyebrow. "Another one?" Then she felt something crawling through her hair, ringing her bells softly. "Eh, I have one on me, too!"

Kazumi yelped, shooting up to her feet and patting her bum several times. "I-I think I've got one in my underwear!"

Eva opened one eye and mused, "Well, those animals like perpetually wet places."

Asakura frowned, still trying to get the unwelcome presence out. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Sensei, do something!" Fumika shrilled. "They're everywhere now!"

"They're in the bento box..." Satsuki observed calmly, looking down at one of the frogs. "On the plus side, I know a few good recipes for their legs, but then, they're so cute it'd be sad..."

"Cute? Like hell these things are 'cute'!" Misa shook a pair of obese frogs that had made their way on her left arm. "Ewww!"

Negi looked in all directions, trying to find a source for the intruders. "Okay, everyone, calm down! It's no big deal! I'm sure there's a perfectly logical reason for it—"

"Magic," Erebus muttered under his breath, only audible to the mage, as he tried to clear frogs out of the overhead bin.

"Biblical Plague!" Natsumi's teeth chattered.

"Haruna, they're going to punish us for your sins!" Fuuka cried. "Next our firstborn will start dying!"

"Excuse me? I'm not the one fooling around with a sister! And you've got your order of Plagues all wrong!" the tall librarian protested.

Negi persevered, running from side to side as he and Erebus tried to gather as many frogs as they could. "— and if we just keep our heads cool and work together, we'll have them all caught in no time!"

Kaede huddled in a corner, breathing in and out of a paper bag, her usually calm voice cracking painfully. "All over me! All! Over! Me! Slimy! Cold! Mommy, help me! The long tongues! The huge vacant eyes!"

"... Nagase, is that really you?" Chisame asked.

"That's Kaede-nee's weak point," Fumika sighed. "That's why we haven't watch The Muppet Show since we moved in with her..." A pause. "Gonzo hasn't married the hen yet, has he?"

"For the last time, Sis, that show ISN'T a soap opera!" Fuuka said.

...

Asuna, aka Twilight Red, napped serenely as frogs jumped all around them.

"This is actually pretty complicated," Yue said conversationally, ignoring the frog on her head. "Even for an Eastern spell. To summon so many Shikigami without giving them some kind of prepared physical vessel to inhabit, in such numbers and from within sealed places like drinks and bags is actually quite a feat. I have more respect for this Amagasaki woman's talents now inretrospect."

"They're pretty cute," Konoka giggled, holding a cute litte tree frog in her cupped hands. "Can you make something like this, Set-chan?"

"Too complicated for me, Oujo-sama," Setsuna said, carefully taking a few off her lap. "I only know the basics, as well as a few specific tactical measures. Though if taught, I might manage it."

Kuro stomped past, kicking frogs roughly out of her way, hands opening and closing like she wanted to e holding a blade. "Stupid oriental Onmydou," she muttered savagely as she tried to keep order. "Why do they have to fuck around with frogs? Give me a good fireball any day…"

"You can't do fireballs, Kuro-chan," Asuna said, eyes still closed, ignoring the frogs around her. "You keep saying you're a swords girl."

"I'll learn," she growled.

Chisame sighed as she typed, her maids keeping her relatively frog-free. "I'll never understand supervillain logic. This goes right up there with the guys who use million dollar robots to rob banks and convenience stores."

...

"Leave the frog catching to us, Sensei," Keiichi-san asked, with a cringing Sora, a determined Ku Fei, a scowling Asuna and a serene Akira standing behind him. "You'd better attend the rest of your students. I think a few of them are... down."

"It's not only the students, either..." Chisame monotoned with an unconscious Shizuna's head on her lap.

"Chisame-sama, could you please drop that worryingly MILF head on someone else's lap?" Matoi asked her.

"I'll take care of her," 'Nelly' volunteered. "I know basic first aid. Chisame switched with him, to Matoi's relief, the stalker nodding gratefully at the mage.

Negi breathed in and took charge. "Okay, thanks, Morisato-san! Iincho-san, please go bring water for those who fainted! Asakura-san, call the train officers and tell them to send someone here to help! Health Rep-san, attend to—"

"The Health Rep's down too!" Nodoka said, fanning a spiral-eyed Ako.

"I'll sub for her!" Matoi offered, always eager to show off before Chisame. "I took nurse training while DEEP LOVING Itoshiki-sensei's doctor brother!"

"Okay, Tsunetsuki-san," Negi nodded. "I leave that in your hands then."

"You're trusting our health and safety to a 3-Fer?" Fuuka said doubtfully. "Isn't that like driving Jewish children to a Nazi daycare center?"

Chisame rolled her eyes. "It's only a bunch of frogs hopping around! Not like we're falling from Ebola!"

"Are you sure you don't mind doing this, Akira?" Asuna asked while she and the swimmer gathered as many of the slippery animals in bags as they could.

Akira nodded quietly. "I'm perfectly fine with this. I always liked frogs, and all animals who live near water. As a matter of fact, I had a few pet frogs while growing up."

"YOU AREN'T HUMAN!" Kaede cried frantically, dramatically pointing her finger at Akira

In a distant, decadent universe, Akira sneezed.

"It doesn't mean you have to stop to pet them, though," Yuuna observed.

Akira blushed charmingly while stopping caressing a bull frog's head. Yuuna's face betrayed no change, but the basketball player swooned inside. "Sorry. I just got carried away," the tall girl apologized, getting back to work.

"I can sympathize," Chachamaru offered.

Chamo hopped in Akira's direction, making small croaking sounds and pouting his mouth up for kisses, but Misora slammed a foot on him before Ookuchi noticed him.

...

Roberta was actually rather used to have frogs on her head. Back when she served in the guerrilla, she often had to spend half a day or more submerged in swamps, waiting for a chance to strike, with tadpoles swimming between her legs and their parents croaking on top of her wet scalp. It never had been a big deal for her.

Still, she knew most young girls in this country were far more sensitive than she was at their age, so it was a bit surprising to see the girl sitting opposite her remaining so calm and expressionless even when there were amphibians crawling and croaking all over her.

"Don't they... annoy you?" the maid asked.

"I'm well used to slimy annoyances," Natsuki replied, keeping a stoic face.

Roberta nodded, understanding. She kept on listening carefully to the voices from the next car, especially her Ojou-sama's. She wouldn't reveal herself unless there was an actual need for it.

"Th-There's one inside of my skirt now!" Ayaka yelled.

Roberta's grip on her umbrella and the gun hidden inside of it tightened. Only a frog, only a frog, only a frog, only a frog. No need to blow my cover, no need to blow my cover, no need to blow my—

"Aiiieeee!" Ayaka shrilled. "Wh-Where are you putting your tongue?-!"

"Ah!" a Rina Sato-sounding voice cried out in warning. "Be careful Iinchou!"

Natsuki saw Roberta's face shifting to a few interesting shades of different colors. "Are they making feel you bad? We could try getting rid of them ourselves, instead of waiting for—"

"No," the tall woman clenched her teeth. "I'm okay."

Natsuki only nodded, although her eyes remained fixed on the way the maid's big, strong looking hands, oddly callous for a domestic servant, looking more like a veteran shooter's hands, gripped her umbrella as if about to snap it by half.

Foreigners...

...

"There are just too many of them," Yue panted softly, holding a basket full with squirming frogs, keeping its lid pressed closed to preven them from escaping. But far too many others hopped all over the car. "No matter how many we catch, more of them keep on appearing."

"Maybe it's some kind of black magic or voodoo curse," Natsumi dreaded. "Juliet-san from Class 1-A told me about this once..."

"Come on, that's ridiculous!" Asuna laughed stiffly. "Everyone knows magic doesn't exist!"

At that, Ayaka lifted an eyebrow. She knew Asuna well enough to know when she was lying through her teeth. And badly, at that. And she had been spending a lot of time around Sensei lately, for someone who claimed to hate children.

Yuuna exhaled in defeat. "This is a lost cause. Let's just ask for a relocation...!"

"Can't we just coexist with them until we've arrived?" Akira asked, fully covered by frogs and not minding a bit.

"HELL NO!" Kaede shouted. "Die, slimy demon spawn of no genitalia and disgusting chins!"

Fuuka gave her an odd look. Just what happened to you, Kaede-nee?

"I don t want to talk about it!"

Then Kazumi stormed back in. "Sensei, guys, I brought a specialist from the train crew! I guarantee this fellow can take care of this in no matter at all!"

"Oh, really?" Evangeline said indifferently.

"A SAVIOR...!" Kaede screamed melodramatically.

"Oh, please," Madoka and Chisame said at the same time.

Without any warning, a tall and bald black man appeared behind Kazumi, wearing a black jacket and blue jeans, and holding a machete in a hand and a net in the other.

"Enough is enough!" he said, in a trashed American-accented Japanese. "I have HAD IT with these motherfuckin' frogs on this motherfuckin' train! Everybody strap in! I'm about to open some fuckin' windows."

3-A, Negi, Sora and Keiichi stared on in wide eyed silence.

"What, there were no big-lipped alligators available?" Chisame finally commented.

"ANIMAL ABUSE!" Akira stole Chamo's catchphrase unwittingly.

Keiichi closed his eyes and seemed to mutter something about reading some script beforehand next time, or something like that.

...

Interlude: Sayo.

Mahora.

"There," Kurosaki Ichigo said once Sayo had managed to cram herself inside of the tiny big headed doll with the adorable face, the old fashioned school uniform replica, and the long white hair. It had taken her a lot of coaching. She had to stop thinking of herself as having a body mass, and truly accepting she was only a spirit who could fit into any space, no matter how small it was. "Now try to walk."

Rukia and Kiri watched on, wide-eyed, as the doll took its first tentative step, then another one. Then she fell on her face. "Oh!" she cried. Rukia helped her back to her feet, and Sayo continued trying stubbornly, making Kiri coo and Ichigo to smile vaguely under his stern countenance. It took her more than one hour of attempts, but by then, Sayo was walking all over Itoshiki's desk in Classroom 3-F, in an utterly adorable way.

Kiri and Rukia broke into applause.

"That's incredible, Sayo-chan!" the hikkikomori said.

"You've made a lot of progress very quickly!" Rukia nodded.

"Unlike some other people..." Ichigo muttered. Without missing a beat, Rukia kicked him on a shin.

"Eh heh heh," Sayo said, floating out of the doll with a hand behind her neck. "Thank you. But I couldn't have done it if Kurosaki-sempai hadn't bought me this doll! It's even made in my image! Where did you find it, Kurosaki-sempai?"

"Find it? I had it custom made!" the former shinigami made clear. "It cost me a fat buck with that Urahara creep!"

Sayo's eyes went blank. "Oh, oh dear! H-How much did it cost you? I-I'll pay in any way I can!"

Ichigo waved a hand. "Never mind. Consider it a payment for taking good care of this useless girl's body while she's hunting." He jabbed a thumb in Rukia's direction. The short haired girl snorted.

"Then, with this, she'll be able to wander out of campus without having to hijack Kuchiki-san's body?" Kiri asked, examining the puppet carefully.

"That's right," Ichigo said. "Urahara said he had it made with ultra rare materials brought from Mount Osorezan in Aomori. Given enough time, he also could make her a full-sized human body, like this one I'm using, but it'll cost a small fortune."

"How much?" Rukia and Kiri chorused, reaching for their wallets.

"Idiots!" the boy cried. "Don't you worry about that! Only I should have to deal with that man, you hear me?-!"

"As stubborn as always, Ichigo," a manly voice came from the floor. That made him jerk back in alarm, hands reaching for a sword he belatedly remembered he didn't have anymore.

"It's... you!" Kurosaki yelled.

A surprised Sayo, Rukia and Kiri looked down as well, to see one of the cats Sakurako had left for the trip's duration, the black and thin one, sitting there looking up at them.

"The cat... The cat talked?-!" Rukia gasped.

Sayo shrilled, hiding behind Kiri. "It came for me! It's an Egyptian Netherworld Guardian cat like those we learned about in class come to take my soul to the other side! Save me!"

"Oh, don't worry. I don't reap souls anymore," the cat spoke reassuringly, making Kiri and Rukia wince, and Sayo tremble wildly. "It's been a long time, Ichigo. How's your family doing?"

"That's no freaking business of yours!" Ichigo replied sharply.

Kiri looked at him in a frankly stupid way. "Do you know this cat?" she asked, also in a frankly stupid tone.

"I helped to train him to become a Soul Reaper. In retrospect, I should have done more," the cat informed.

"Shut up!" Ichigo barked. "What the hell do you think you're doing here?-!"

"I'm living here for the time being," said the cat, conversationally. "Only for a few days, until my Master returns..." Then she found herself grabbed by Kiri, who lifted her up high and looked straight between her hind legs. "Not that I really mind, but next time, please ask first before doing that, okay? Or at least ask me out first. I'm easy but not THAT easy…"

Kiri blinked. "You aren't a tom. So why are you talking with a male voice?"

"That's one of the many things about her you don't want to know!" Ichigo held his hands up warningly. "Just trust me on this, will you?-!"

"A cat trained you?" Rukia asked dryly. "One hundred percent for real?"

"I don't talk about it unless the world is in danger, I'm under official inquiry, or it's my sisters asking. And you are definitely no sister of mine," Ichigo answered curtly.

...

Chao goes Bananas!

With most of the frogs captured, Erebus now had a pretty good idea of what would happen next. He slid to Negi's side, pulling him aside from Asuna, who was tending the unconscious Ako, and asked him in a whisper, "Do you still have the letter?"

"Huh?" he asked, but it was clear his confusion was feigned.

'Nelly' shook 'her' head, wondering if he was that bad a liar. He probably was. "I'd know, wouldn't I?"

Negi laughed. "Yeah, of course. Sorry, I forgot it in the heat of the moment. But don't worry, I have it right here..." He pulled a corner of the envelope out into sight.

Erebus gestured for him to push it back down. "No!" he said. He knew what would happen next; a swallow would swoop in, snatch the letter and fly away, leading to a very painful misunderstanding...

Then the luggage rack right over his head flew open, and a chimpanzee jumped out and landed on Erebus' head, squealing while reaching quickly to snatch the letter off Negi's hands. "Hey!" the younger teacher yelped.

Erebus blinked, seeing the chimp bounce down to the floor, briefly taking its tiny fezz off and saluting before hopping the hell away down the car, scaring several of the girls. He blinked, mildly stunned. That didn't look like one of Amagasaki Chigusa's pet monkeys. It was wearing a green vest, and had a strange black glove on its hand, connected to several tubes poking out of it and linking to the back of its neck. "What...?"

The other Negi already was running like wind after the animal. "Hey, you! Give that letter back, please!"

"The more the things change, the more they stay the same, no, Aniki?" Albert crawled up to Erebus' shoulders. "Aren't you going after them too?"

Erebus frowned, pondering, before shaking his head, and picking up the White Wing badge that had been dislodged when the monkey had landed on him. "No. I don't think I need to. I'm confused, though. Why an ape? It should be easier for a mage to catch than a fake bird. Something doesn't add up here..."

"Well, if I remember right, monkeys were her theme…" Albert said.

...

Negi chased the fleeing ape down the train, wondering just what was happening here, exactly. Out of all the ways he had thought any renegades could have tried to steal the letter, a trained simian was the last thing that could have ever come to mind.

He could have caught the animal easily with a minor magical boost of his own speed, but in a car surrounded by shrieking students, doing that wasn't an option. Still, he stubbornly closed the distance between them, not minding too much about the letter anymore, being more concerned with his students' safety. An adult chimpanzee is far stronger and faster than an average adult man. He didn't even want to think about one of them running wild into one of his pupils.

So, naturally, that was what happened right then.

"Chao-san! Watch out!"

"Huh?" Chao Lingshen looked up from where she stood with Satsuki, fanning an unconscious Shizuna. She tilted a thin eyebrow as she saw the fleeing primate running towards them. She had believed her classmates had still been shrieking about the frogs, but how hadn't she noticed the ape's sounds? Was she slipping again?

Also, a chimpanzee?-! No matter the iteration, it always had been a bird, and it always headed Setsuna's way!

Still, that hardly mattered now. A new top priority kicked into her head: Protecting Satsuki. She stood right in the ape's way, making it to screech to a scared, frantic, panting halt.

"Chao-san, be careful!" Negi stopped right behind it. "Step aside! That animal is dangerous!"

She held a hand up, calmly. "It's alright, Negi-bouzou! I have a special gift with animals-ne?"

Chisame peeked warily from where she had stopped behind Negi. "Dammit, Chao, this isn't exactly a puppy! It's King Kong's underfed cousin!"

The Chinese girl laughed. "Chisame-san, don't blow things out of proportion! This is only a poor beast out of its habitat-yo. He's more scared of us than we are of him."

"You've been watching too much Animal Planet!" Yuuna warned. "Just look at the teeth of that thing! It could rip you apart in seconds!"

"It stinks," Makie pinched her nose.

"Chao, don't be imprudent!" Hakase gasped. "You cannot possibly perish before we have finished Project X!"

"... Project X?" Misa asked.

"Yes," Satomi nodded. "It is an ultra-secretive assignment directly from our liaisons with the Japanese govenment, but I suppose I can share a few specifications on the subject with y—" she was about to go into Out Of Control expo-rant mode again, but Chao silenced her abruptly.

"Hush! Don't be so noisy, or you'll startle him into—"

Then the ape waved his hairy arms, and jumped for Chao, teeth bared and potential Ebola at the ready. "Oook oook oook!"

"— attack," Chao sighed, quickly falling into a fighting stance, swiftly sinking a palm into the animal's solar plexus, sending him back and against the floor.

"Chao-san!" Negi moved in to help, but Ku Fei held him back by an arm. "Ku-san, why are you?-!"

The dark skinned blode waved a finger. "No, don't do it, Negi-bouzou! Trust Chao's skills, yes? You'd only get in the way and be hurt!"

"B-But—!"

"I told you, I'll be okay!" Chao smiled, somewhat beginning to enjoy all the eyes placed on her as she wiped her nose with a thumb, moving back and forth in her stance, and the chimpanzee growled, working back to his feet. She hadn't indulged herself into showoffish grandiosity in a while. It felt as good as ever.

"B-But—!" Negi repeated.

"Ook! Oook Ook Ak!" the primate lunged for Chao's throat again.

Again, she avoided the strike easily, ducking under the jump, grabbing an arm and using a flawless technique to slam the animal down. The schoolgirl crowd went wild.

"Kaede-nee!" Fuuka said. "Why don't you ever fight rampaging monkeys?"

"Hey! I fought that bear who attacked our camp last month, remember?" Kaede told her.

Fuuka 'hmphed'. "Bears are so last year..."

The ape rose back immediately, now even more furious, slamming his fists up and down. Sakurako began to take bets. Misa, Kazumi, Haruna and Matoi began a crescendo chorus of "Woo-Woo-Woo-Woo!", while Misora flicked a lighter on and waved it high.

"Professional help... please...?" Negi called out.

The ape clenched his teeth, drooling madly, bulging eyes fixed on Chao. The girl, not even breathing hard, only made a clearly Bruce Lee 'come on' gesture.

Most of the girls swooned, and hard. Matoi turned and sternly reminded herself she was in DEEP LOVE with Chisame-sama.

Springfield charm, after all.

Once more, the chimpanzee attacked with a plethora of savage grunts and growls, his hands reaching over but managing to grab nothing. Chao jabbed him twice in the face, her only effort coming from trying not to hurt him too much. Then she slammed a palm into his chest and roughly pushed him back to the floor.

The animal lay there panting and coughing.

"Is it over already?" Fuuka sounded disappointed.

"It doesn't look like it's getting back up," Madoka said.

"Chao, you're incredibly efficient as always!" Hakase put her hands together.

Sakurako made a muffled jealous sound. "... Adequate." Darn it, since when has Hakase been so popular!-? I swear I had no competition when I asked her out!

"I want your children," Fuuka whispered under her breath.

"Nee-chan!" Fumika punched her in an arm. "Share!"

Then, however, with a twitchy motion, the ape punched a button on the glove he was wearing. And a strange greenish liquid began pumping out of the glove, through the tube attached to it, and into the back of the animal's neck.

"What the deuce?" Chisame babbled.

Instinctively, most of the class backed away. Evangeline only yawned and relaxed on her seat, closing her eyes. Chachamaru frown in concern. Negi got his staff ready. Ku Fei rubbed her chin. Chao's smirk widened. "How interesting..."

"OOK! OOOK OOOK AK-AK OOOOK!-!-!" the beast yelled insanely, as his muscles seemed to inflate and bulge impossibly, drool escaping his mouth in all directions. His eyes grew as red as blood. "OOOOK OOOKKK OOOOOK!-!-!"

"Okay, now I've seen everything," Kazumi actually was stunned enough to stop taking photos.

Sakurako took a deep breath before announcing, "The betting pool starts again...!"

...

"What's going on back there?" Valkyrie Black asked as she cautiously opened a can of Bloodberry-Lime-Cherry-Maple juice and checked it for frogs before taking a sip. Calculator felt her blood sugar rising just by looking at it.

'Nelly' flopped back onto an empty seat. "The other me is fighting a monkey."

Twilight blinked. "A monkey?"

"It looked like some kind of cybernetically augmented supervillain monkey," 'Nelly' said. "Either Gotham or Metropolis, though there's a chance it's from Central City too."

"Ah," Twilight said. "No Onmyoudyou bird?"

"Nope," 'Nelly' said.

"Shouldn't you help him?" Twilight asked.

"Nah, Chao's got it handled," Deathnote said as she walked up to them, plopping on to another empty seat to. "Her badass is showing. Though it seems kinda unbalanced that she's beating up a monkey."

"Ah, the prodigal daughter returns," Yue said. "Tired of being disturbing with your soulmate?"

"She's not my soulmate, she has a boyfriend," Deathnote said.

"Wow," Chisame said dryly. "She beat you to it!"

Deathnote gave her an annoyed look. "I thought you weren't a comedian?"

Over at the peanut gallery, there was a series of loud 'OOOOK's whose pitch changed with every word.

"Ah, definitely a supervillain monkey," Deathnote commented.

...

"Be careful, Chao-chan!" Fuuka shouted.

"Chao-san, stop doing that! Allow the staff to subdue that beast!" Ayaka asked, genuinely concerned.

Lingshen calmed her down with a gesture. "Easy, Iincho. Easy. I know what I'm doing. I'll have him down before you know it-ne!"

The ape growled and snorted, advancing towards her again, lunging ahead for a bite. Chao kicked him in the mouth, but the animal barely flinched this time. He clawed at her leg, leaving a red mark on it, before the girl's other leg swung in an arc and hit him across the jaw.

"Chao-san!" Negi still tried to stop her. But it was too late; Chao gave a chop at the back of the ape's neck, finding it felt as thick and tough as bricks. Venom. The super steroid used by several underworld figures to enhance their strength and endurance. Highly addictive, and forcefed into an animal with already existing strength to spare. No wonder it had driven him mad.

She hooked an arm around the tube pumping the greenish liquid into the chimp and tugged it off, making him yowl and bite around savagely, almost getting her. She could see her classmates making disgusted faces as the beast trashed around, forcing her to hop two steps back.

"Hey, Chao, want a hand there?" Ku Fei asked.

She shook her head. "Maybe if it starts flinging feces."

Asuna and Chisame groaned at the horribly bad pun.

With his supply cut, the chimpanzee began to tire out quickly, although his last movements only made him more desperate and dangerous. He swung his arms for Chao's midsection, putting her on the defensive and making her strike back mostly with kicks, never straining herself too much. Negi was impressed; he knew Chao was a martial artist, but hee'd never seen her actually fighting before.

The hairy animal mostly burned himself out to exhaustion after that, rather quick. Before long, it had collapsed at Chao's feet, closing his eyes before whimpering and falling unconscious.

The whole class but an impassive Zazie, a yawning Eva, a nodding Chachamaru and a gawking Chisame broke into cheers.

"That... That was so wonderful, Chao-san!" Negi approached her with huge deer eyes. "But-But are you okay? Weren't you wounded or anything?"

"I only had a surface scratch, Negi-bouzou!" she laughed, patting the back of her own head with a hand. Then she picked up the letter the monkey had been carrying from his vest, much to Chamo's puzzlement. How had she known exactly what and where to look for? She offered it to Negi, "Is this yours?"

"Oh! Oh, yes, thanks!" he tried to grab it, but she snatched it back with a giggle.

"What is it?" Chao teased. "A love letter?"

Negi's eyes bulged out. "WHAT?-! O-Of course it isn't!"

"Who did send it to you? Or who are you giving it to?" Chao continued as if she hadn't heard him, smirking deviously and waving the envelope just out of his reach.

"It's... It's from my cousin in Wales!" he had to lie. "Please give it back!"

Ayaka blinked. His cousin in Wales. The girl she had sent Wilson-san to investigate on. Most likely a mage as well. If that knowledge fell into anyone's hands, Negi-sensei would be ruined...

So the Class Rep stepped in and yanked the letter out of Chao's hands. "Honestly, Chao-san! Act your age! Can't you see you're psychologically hurting him, separating him from a family memento? Shame on you!"

The blonde turned to Negi, smiling very lovingly while giving him the letter back. "Here, Dear Sensei. Never mind my classmates' rudeness..."

"It's Iincho's love letter to Sensei!" Fuuka sing-sang.

"IT'S NOT!" Ayaka roared at her. "Oh, and Asuna-san..."

"Yes?" Kagurazaka asked.

"Next time, make sure your cousin here stays in his seat!" Ayaka pointed at the felled ape.

"Okay, now that does it!" Asuna growled and jumped for her despite Negi's warning to stay back.

The fight that ensued was, in all fairness, more impressive than the chimpanzee one.

...

Interlude: Yoruichi.

Classroom 3-F:

"But how were you able to teach Ichigo how to fight?" Rukia asked Yoruichi. "No offense, but... you're a small, four-legged animal. How could you go beyond the theory in teaching him how to move?"

"Are you implying I'm not a good teacher because I can't move like you humans do?" the black cat questioned.

"Well, you have to admit, it's hard to imagine someone your size being able to do much more than advise in a fight..." Kiri pointed out as politely as anyone could while using those words.

Over at Akagi Ritsuko's apartment, Luna sneezed. Artemis sneezed in Aino Minako's bedroom. At Sakura Kyoko's now empty bedroom, Kyubey didn't sneeze, but his nose itched.

"Well, I wasn't his only teacher," Yoruichi recalled. "And I didn't always use this form..."

For some reason, Ichigo's right eyebrow began to pulse like a seismograph. "Don't."

"Don't what?" Yoruichi asked innocently.

"Don't do what you're about to do!" the boy growled.

"Do what?" Rukia, Sayo and Kiri found themselves asking at once.

"I don't know. I guess he's afraid I'll show my true form. Do you girls want to see it?" the cat asked casually.

"Does it look like a giant tentacled beast with multiple eyes and fanged mouths spouting hellfire?" Rukia asked, making Sayo shriek. "Oh, sorry, Sayo-chan! I forgot you're sensitive..."

"I don't look like that at all," Yoruichi said.

"A-A-A being of pure darkness made of five dimensions, with a bowler hat on top of your head?" Sayo guessed next, gasping.

"Not at all!" Yoruichi snapped.

"Rosie O'Donnell?" Kiri asked.

An icy deadly silence fell over the classroom. Finally, Yoruichi could hiss, in a very strained tone, "I hadn't been that insulted in centuries..."

"Ah! Sorry, sorry, I'm very sorry!" Kiri bowed quickly, with manners perfectly copied from her classmate Ai-chan.

"No matter what, don't do it!" Ichigo angrily warned the cat.

Yoruichi seemed to shrug her shoulders. "Very well. I won't." And she only looked aside indifferently.

After a few moments of staring at the feline with distrust, Ichigo relaxed only a little.

Then Yoruichi's body suddenly glowed with a blue light, and vapor began to spread quickly around her, as her form stretched abruptly, a long mane of purplish hair sprouting from her head.

"DAMMIT, YOU LIAR!" Ichigo covered his eyes with his hands very quickly, although Rukia noticed he was still looking through his fingers. What…?

Like in an episode of Manimal, Yoruichi's limbs grew longer, two of them becoming hairless, brown skinned arms, the other two turning into slender, succulent bare female legs. Her whiskers disappeared. Two of her paws changed into feminine, yet strong hands; the other two became bare feet. From her chest popped out two big breasts, and from her posterior, a very fine derriere. Rukia's Breast Envy sense began to tingle madly.

And then she was standing before them like a glorious goddess, keeping her green eyes down on them, smirking confidently, hands resting at her sides. Ichigo had been reduced to a sputtering mass of nerves.

"You're... a girl," Sayo noted stupidly.

"I'd have preffered the tentacle beast," Rukia muttered darkly, resisting the urge to do ANYTHING even vaguely involving her breasts. Damned busty cat!

"A naked girl," Kiri snorted, not as impressed as the other three of them. After taking classes with Maria, she was too used to seeing dark skinned people running around with no underwear on. "Put on some clothes, you hippy!"

Yoruichi just laughed it off. "Oh, you know you love it, you dea—" A split second later, she had some of Kiri's shirts and shorts tossed straight into her face, forcefully closing her mouth.

Ichigo blinked, changing from an impressed and panicky tone to a merely impressed tone. "Wow!" he told Komori. "It's the first time I see anyone tag her!"

Kiri shrugged, not making much of it. "I'm unbeatable in closed spaces, I guess..."

...

"Well, once you start stripping, that's my clue to get going," Ichigo hurried to turn around and walk for the door.

"I'm putting on the clothes right now," Yoruichi observed while pulling Kiri's shirt on her body. Kiri grew annoyed as she saw her shirt didn't quite fit the brown skinned woman's generous chest.

"Still going! Got things to do!" Ichigo waved a hand around. "Oh, and Sayo..."

"Yes?" the ghost asked.

"Sorry for not bringing that puppet before. I knew you'd have liked using it for your class trip. But that stupid Hat and Clogs-man couldn't have it ready before today," the boy grumbled.

"Kisuke is a good guy, really..." Yoruichi opined.

Sayo smiled sweetly. "It's okay, I don't mind! I'm very glad to spend my time here with all of you!"

Ichigo nodded slowly, before rasping and going out the door. "Well, sure, whatever. Have fun doing whatever you girls do for fun. Rukia, I'll call you if there's another Hollow attack."

"Sure thing. Bye," Kuchiki waved him off weakly.

Once the four of them were alone again, Yoruichi chuckled and pulled her shirt off again, chest bouncing up and down. "What are you doing now?" Kiri frowned.

"Isn't it obvious? I get more comfortable," the dark skinned beauty stood up, pushing her shorts down. "There aren't any boys around anymore, so why to bother with modesty?"

Rukia grimaced. It wasn't that the sight was bad at all... but somehow, that made it worse... "You aren't fond of clothes at all, aren't you?"

"No. That's why I prefer spending my time as a cat. At least people doesn't freak out when I'm pantsless then," Yoruichi sat bacck down, in a lotus position. "What if you try it too?"

"No thanks," Rukia's voice snapped.

Kiri seemed to ponder it. "What's so great about it?"

Yoruichi shrugged. "It's... liberating. Maybe you can't step out of this room, but you at least can feel free in some other way. I'd say you should take advantage of the school being deserted right now; you might not have a chance when classes start again..."

Rukia snorted. "As if we would—"

But then she saw Kiri starting to unbutton her white shirt. "Oh, for the love of God, Komori-san!"

The hikkikimori looked down sheepishly. "I don't get to do new things too often..."

Floating between them, Sayo looked at her school blouse curiously. She began tugging it off, growing marveled as it slipped off her, revealing her old style brassiere. "Wai! I can take my clothes off! I never had tried...!"

Rukia sighed and stomped for the door. "See you guys tomorrow!"

...

"Hello, what can Mc Ronald's do for you today?" Ichigo droned, standing behind the counter, wearing a stupid paper hat and a sour expression.

Stupid human need to pay the stupid bills. He was Soul Society nobility, damn it! He'd die of shame if anyone saw him working there!

But in the end, a very small part of him told him, it was worth it, after seeing Sayo's thankful smile.

He needed to look into it. It wouldn't do, to... feel so much sympathy for a dumb Plus. He was too kind, that's what he was. He needed starting to take Renji's advice and grow more callous.

Yeah. He'd do that.

Right after getting enough money to buy a human sized body for Sayo from Urahara, of course.

At least, no one from Soul Society would ever look for him there...

"A Big Rad hamburger for me, Kurosaki-kun," a softly smug male voice told him, snapping him out of his definitely-not-daydreaming-dammit. Ichigo stared at the vaguely smiling face with glasses before him now.

"Ishida."

Ishida Uryuu nodded at his classmate. "Good to see you've finally started remembering my name, Kurosaki. Do you think you can remember my order long enough for me to eat it?"

God, he yearned to punch that face.

At least, no one from Soul Society would ever come there...

He was reassuring himself that when the next customer came in. He had to look way down at her. It was a very short little girl. "Hey, kid. What can Mc Ronald's do for... you..."

The little girl lifted her way smugly smirking face up to meet his stunned gaze. She had blond hair made in twin girlish pigtails.

"Hiyori," Ichigo growled.

...

Later that night, Yoruichi, in cat form, returned to where Felicia and Blair, Sakurako's two other pet cats, rested about to sleep.

"I told them my secret today," Yoruichi cuddled down between them.

"Ah!" Felicia yawned cutely. "Not ours, right?"

"Not yet. They aren't ready yet. Step by step," Yoruichi replied.

Blair hummed and closed her eyes. "Flashed them silly, didn't you?"

"I think I may have converted Kiri-san," Yoruichi purred.

Felicia patted her back with a paw. "Good girl, good girl..."

...

Destroyer Duck.

The Edelfelt Manor, in F City

"OOHHH HO HO HO HO!"

The loud laughter almost made Miyu fall off her bed. It resounded all through the building, slightly cracking a few windows and making some beautifully kept, delicate potted plants wither and die. "I HAVE DONE IT! I HAVE SUMMONED HIM! I— HAVE—" her master's voice weakened abruptly, cracking in an almost painful to hear whimper, "—what?"

Then, only silence.

Miyu opened her eyes and pulled her head up from under her pillow. "Luvia-san?" she asked.

Of course, there was no answer. The question had only been rhetorical anyway.

The young girl got up and carefully tiptoed her way to her mistress' quarters. Broom firmly in hand, ready to whack at discretion, just in case. Oh, if only she had a talking magical instrument of power to help her fight, or something like that...

No.

That was simply ridiculous.

In another universe, Magical Girl Prisma Miyu Kaleido Sapphire sneezed.

She could hear the beginnings of something horrible gurgling from her mistress' throat. She didn't have to look in to know Luvia-san was clenching her fingers, gritting her teeth, tensing her whole body, ready for an explosion...

And then she heard a male voice asking Luvia, "Are you supposed to be my Master, little girl?"

Miyu finally looked in, and saw, standing before her employer, surrounded by dark smoke in the middle of a huge crater that had swallowed almost the whole room and had even made the ceiling cave down, a duck. A big duck in a black cape, a hat obscuring most of his face, a thick black mask, and bright yellow clothes that gave him a rather threatening aspect despite how silly they should have looked in practice. But still, a duck.

Luviagelita's whole face was twitching. "What... What kind of... creature are you?"

The duck (a duck!) chuckled evilly. "I am the most fiendish terror that flaps in the blackest night. I am the shadow that sticks to your back as soon as you turn the lights off. I am the Stephenie Meyer movie you can't unsee! I am..." he flapped his cape around dramatically, "THE DESTROYER!"

Luvia slammed both hands on her own face. "A Destroyer! The most destructive, unruly, undisciplined class this side of Berserkers! Why a Destroyer?-! THERE SHOULD BE NO DESTROYERS IN THE CLASS SYSTEM!"

The duck rolled his eyes around. "I can see this is gonna be a long, long War. And not the kind of long War I like. Which is an achievement in itself, girl, because I tend to like anything long and violent. Congrats," he snarked. Then he noticed the black haired girl spying at the door. "Hey, kid. You're the one who'll help me and this airhead siphon Mana from the townsfolk, right? I'll give you a list of what you need to gather. First, a good quality chainsaw—"

"We aren't going to do that!" a scandalized Luvia shouted.

The duck gave her a deadly icy glare. "I'm not sleeping with you for Mana, Toots."

Luvia growled and punched him between the eyes.

Why hadn't this crap happened to that Rin bitch?

Somewhere, Rin sneezed. Like you didn't see that coming.

...

Interlude: The Audience.

It wasn't the first time Akagi Ritsuko stood naked before an inquiry of her superiors who were sitting hidden in the shadows, high above her. In her prior life, SEELE had used an identical tactic to demoralize and humble her while questioning her on the subject of Ikari Gendo's activities. When it came down to it, divine beings and humans weren't that different at all.

Well, Ritsuko hadn't broken down back then, and she wouldn't now.

"Sailor Pluto," said one of them. "The fact you have neglected to stabilize the current temporal instability has been brought to our attention."

"We don't need to remind you all of existence is under extreme risk of collapsing in on itself, or do we?" another High Being asked. "The continued activities of time travelers have resulted in a merging of realities and a change in paradigms we have barely been able to cope with. Yet, the possibility of travel through time still exists. Why have you not fully sealed the Gates of Time yet?"

"Sir," Ritsuko said, arms at her side, unfazed by her own nudity, speaking as evenly as if she had been giving an academic lecture in full garb. "The process is a long and complicated one, and I'm not as experienced as Meioh Setsuna was yet. Plus, I have to supervise other developments on Earth at the time. Two new Senshi have just woken up, for instance. And guiding them down the correct path is going to be extremely difficult..."

One of the voices seemed to hum. "You raise a valid point there."

"And then there's the upcoming Grail War…" Ritsuko continued. "And the possibility of a HIME Festival at Ohtori..."

"I have my money on Saber," one of the deities commented.

"Are you crazy?" another one argued. "Berserker is the one who will claim victory this time!"

"Berserkers always lose!"

"In case you have not noticed, all rules of reality changed this time around! Except the "Death and Taxes" clause and the Twilight Sucking corollary!"

"Ahem!" a commanding female voice coughed, imposing silence upon everyone. "Regardless, Lady Pluto, please do try to hasten your duties. Keep in mind this is an extremely important matter. Well, that's all for today," her tone grew considerably less solemn, chipper and brighter, as the lights went on, revealing the figures sitting above. The fair skinned, dark haired Peorth, the one who had dismissed the session, clapped her hands. "Any final questions for today, Lady Pluto?"

Ritsuko's right eyebrow shook violently. "Why... Why are you all naked as well?"

Peorth shrugged. "Well, it'd have been horribly unfair to have you there naked while we sat here as if we were any better than you, don't you think? The eternal rules may state all mortals have to stand testimony the same way you were when you arrived to the world, but we're gods, not monsters. Well, Azatoth, Khorne, Tzeentch, Slaanesh and Nurgle aside, of course." Five annoyed grunts came from the other side of the tribunal. "If you're going through it, the least we can do is show solidarity... er, so to speak"

"This wasn't my idea, I swear," the god– er, Overlord of all CRACK! said.

"Ah," Ritsuko said flatly. "Thank you so very much..."

The Spectre nodded sagely from under the confines of his dark green cloak and nothing else. "And millennia of wearing those tight underpants can get infernally uncomfortable eventually..."

"But of course," Ritsuko said, silently wishing for some Brain Bleach. "May I dress up and head back home now?"

"Sure you can, chere!" Peorth chirped. "But before you do, don't you want to play some Twister with us?"

A mortified Skuld pressed her hands over her own crotch. They really needed Belldandy back...

Death lounged next to her, heedless of her nudity, her top hat still on her head. Nice as she was , no one made her ditch the hat. "Has anyone seen Taxes lately?"

...

The Threat of DEEP LOVE.

Nitta-sensei fumed angrily, arms crossed, standing before the assembled students just out of the train in the Kyoto station. Behind him, Suzushiro Haruka, Discipline Officer for the combined classes of the trip, stood with her arms crossed behind her back.

"Well, Tsunetsuki-kun? What do you have to say in your defense?" he finally asked.

"I did it for love!" Matoi replied dramatically. "You cannot stand in the way of love! Love might be patient, love might be kind, love might not envy, boast, or be proud, it might not dishonor others, be self-seeking, easily angered, keep no record of wrongs, it might not delight in evil but rejoice with the truth, but it always protects! Always trusts! Always hopes! Always perseveres! Love never fails! When every star in the heavens grows cold, and when silence lies once more on the face of the deep, three things will endure! Faith! Hope! And Love! And the greatest of these is Love!"

Her listeners swooned, and Chisame blushed in mortification, looking embarrassed and covering her face. Negi and Erebus s eyes sparkled, entranced. "That was beautiful…" they chorused. Both Harunas frantically took notes.

"Kill me…" Chisame muttered. "Kill me now…"

Misora frowned. "Give me back my Bible! I borrowed that from Cocone-chan!"

"That's the same thing you said when you bugged the clinic of Itoshiki-sensei's brother!" the stern man barked.

"The police never proved it was me! I wore gloves!" she challenged.

"You just admitted it..." Yue droned.

"Don't explain the joke, Yuecchi..." Haruna put a hand on her head.

"And then you hid yourself in Aoki-sensei's car!" Haruka added.

"I wasn't going to lose to a third-grader brat!" Matoi protested.

"Last year, you followed Suzumiya-sempai to Hawaii! While you were supposed to be in Hokkaido!" Nitta looked about to pop a vein off.

"Now that was a mistake," Tsunetsuki conceded sadly. "Haruhi-chan used me and then tossed me away so cruelly when it turned it we couldn't do sacrifices to the volcano anymore..."

Chisame twitched. "Used you...?"

"Never mind, Chisame-sama, I'm a new woman now, reborn through your love. That used woman is dead and buried now..." the stalker promised.

Nitta and Haruka gave Chisame a pointed glare, and to some lesser degree, so did Sora. Haruna and Kazumi snickered. Negi blinked, unsure of what to say, or if he should say anything at all.

"I didn't do anything to encourge her, I swear!" Chisame claimed.

"Just checking," Nitta huffed, tacitly admitting most of Tsunetsuki's crushes were fully unrequited. "Still, Tsunetsuki-kun, you need to be punished over this. Your parents will be called immediately, and you will be sent back with them..."

The he noticed Matoi had started looking up at him with huge doe eyes.

Nitta gulped. "T-Tsunetsuki-kun...?"

"Ahhh, you're soo-ooo right, Nitta-sensei...!" she cooed. "Thank you for showing me truth with your wise, commanding words! I'm so impressed with your unerring discipline, I regret all my misdeeds! Please, do call my parents right now! So I can tell them I've found the One True Love Of My Life!"

The capitals were plainly audible to all listening.

Haruka did a wild take. "W-What?-! What was all that talk about love just now?"

"I like my men with decision and determination!" Matoi declared grandly. "I like men who never back away on a decision! The second they change their minds, I lose interest on them! But as long as they stay on the right path, just like you'll always do, admired Nitta-sensei, I'll never stop having them treasured in my heart!"

Nitta cringed. "No, seriously, what are you—"

Jiiiiiiiiiiiii...

Nitta sweatdropped. "Tsunetsuki-kun, if you think you can—"

Jiiiiiiiiiiiii...

The teacher looked towards Takahata, Shizuna and Seruhiko for support, almost desperately. All of them just looked away piously. Judases. Darn it, why did she have to be irresistible to young, hot girls NOW, and not twenty years ago? Was be becoming one of those Memetic Sex Gods?

Jiiiiiiiiiiiii...

Finally, Nitta deflated with a weary sigh. "I see I have been far too strict with an obviously mentally unstable person. Please accept my apologies. You can stay for the trip's duration, as long as you don't get near scissors, knives, or anything else that can hurt others or yourself."

Matoi looked disappointed and looked away. "Oh. You're just like all men..."

But, as Negi led Class 3-A on their own way along Kuro, Sora and Keiichi, Matoi immediately clung to Chisame's arm again, gleefully. "The power of love triumphs again! True love and false love working together create wonders!"

"You realize he just called you insane to your face, don't you?" Chisame groaned.

"To be fair, everyone but him had realized it already," Misa observed.

Sakurako put a finger on her mouth. "So we finally found his weak point! To get something out of him, we must pretend to like him?"

"I'm not enough of an actress," Natsumi mumbled.

"There are things we never could do, no matter the reward," Kaede mused.

"No reward in the world is big enough to justify that..." Ku Fei crossed her arms behind her neck.

...

Finally!

"Kyoto! Kyoto! We're finally in Kyoto! It seems like it's been months since we were told we'd come here, and now we actually are here!" Makie pumped a fist up and down, prancing around like a child high on sugar with Fuuka and Fumika, who looked even more so. Ayaka sighed, thinking at least she mostly seemed to be over her depression by now. Ako and Yuuna, on the other hand...

"I think this is the Kiyo Mizu temple, right?" Misora unfolded a travel guide and read up and down it. "The place from where you're supposed to jump off to have good luck?"

"I wonder what would happen if Sakurako jumps off?" Fuuka asked herself aloud.

"Hey, Sempai," Haruna called in Matoi's direction. "I'd bet your Sensei would have loved to come here and take that jump, wouldn't he?"

The stalker shook her head. "The survival possibility is 85.4%. That's too high for his liking. He isn't happy with anything below Golden Gate Bridge levels of risk."

"Is there any way to survive THAT fall at all?" Akira asked.

"He did," Matoi replied with a shrug. "Twice. It's off his list."

"That's that famous bridge in Australia, right?" Ku Fei questioned.

Yue finished sipping her carton of Black Mercy Extract and pointed to their right. "This is the famous Kiyo Mizu stage. It's used for dancing and staging Noh plays in honor of Kannoun-sama, the Buddhist goddess. It's even been declared a national treasure. There were 234 recorded cases of people jumping from here during the Edo period, but now it's prohibited by law."

"Wow, you sure know a lot on the subject, Yue-dono," Kaede smiled.

"Yuecchi's an avid reader of anything related to Buddha statues and shrine paraphernalia," Haruna explained.

"The part after 'anything' wasn't really necessary," Misa observed, with a small chuckle.

"The view from here is amazing!" Negi marveled, standing between both designated drivers, Chamo perched on his right shoulder. "I think I can see the whole city!"

"Yeah, and the weather's just great, too!" Fuuka enjoyed the breeze on her face.

"Now, now, don't get too close to the edge, okay?" Keiichi-san asked. "These barriers don't look that strong..."

Fuuka looked at him, paused, and nodded before stepping back to her sister's side. "Chisame's brother-in-law is a real worrywart..." she whispered into Fumika's ear.

"Brother-in-law?" the other twin whispered back.

"They study together, they came here together, they're the same age!" Fuuka struggled to keep her devious tone low. "It's obvious they're a couple! I'll bet they'll take the first chance they get to slip aside to do naughty things! And that's our chance to escape away and have fun, too!"

Fumika's face took on a worried expression. "I don't think you mean the usual 'Escape away to have fun' here, Oneechan..."

"Oh, that too, if you want. But I'd like to explore this city without chaperones breathing down my neck!"

"Ah, I just remembered something else," Ayase spoke again. "Going further from here, there's also a fortune telling place for your love lives. It's very popular with the tourists and local ladies."

Now that caught everyone's attentions. Everyone but Negi's, who still was enjoying the cool wind, with his eyes closed.

"Eh?-!" Makie's eyes widened.

"Love fortune telling, you say?" Ayaka asked.

"Tell us where!" Fuuka, Makie, Misa, Sakurako and Misora said all at the same time.

"And disaster comes galloping on the fastest horse in town..." Chisame muttered.

...

Your Future is in Your Hands!

Deathnote perked up at those words. "Ooh, love fortunes! We should totally have those done, girls!"

"Oh, is there someone you like, Sawa-chan?" Haruna asked.

Chibi-Nodoka and -Yue perked up a little, morbidly curious despite themselves. Did their Haruna in fact like someone? After all, if she did, statistical probability said that person was most likely Negi… or Emiya-san… or Yuuno-kun… or Nanoha-chan… or Yue herself… or—

Actually, there were a LOT of choices…

Deathnote laughed. "Eh, I don't have time for something like that, Paru-sama! I have to work on my manga, world domination, and my sideline as a magical girl! Romance just complicates things. So doth it sayeth in the Most Holy Scriptures!"

She pulled out a vellum-inscribed copy of the Evil Overlord List, complete with the amendment articles for henchmen, mad scientists and evil queens.

The other two (out of four) Ala Alba librarians facepalmed.

Haruna nodded solemnly. "Ah! Truly you are verseth in the ways of ebil…"

Deathnote turned to the others. "Well?"

Yue took a breath to say they had no time for such silliness, that it was unofficial United Magical Girl Association Policy to not try to do any divination regarding anyone else in the group (spawned not by an incident involving Negi, but rather that time Hayate caught Sailor Pluto trying to time-scan Yuuno– and yes, Negi too…), that they should be planning on looking for whatever it was that had Evangeline singing like a bird… and deflated. "Eh, why not? It should be interesting to see how spot-on they are…"

Twilight and Calculator looked at each other and shrugged. "Eh, it's not like we can have a riot with so few people," Chibi-Asuna said.

"Let's go!" Maga Alba cried, dragging AngelGARd behind her.

"Have fun, Yu-chan!" Matoi called to Chibi-Setsuna. "May the DEEP LOVE be with you!"

The apparently-older-but-actually-younger Chisame blinked at her in surprise. "What, don't you want to know what your fortune is?"

"I don't need to," Matoi said, and glomped her. "MY FORTUNE IS TO ALWAYS BE WITH CHISAME-SAMA!-!-!"

Hakase's eyebrow twitched. Sakurako's did so as well in response.

Evangeline sniffed. Her nose went 'TSUN'! "Idiots and children, all," she said derisively. There was a beat. "Wait for me!"

Erebus smiled. It was nice to see the master enjoying herself. She deserved it.

Now, if only Chachamaru were here…

...

Back in Mahora…

"Achoo," Karakuri said. "Excuse me."

The local Evangeline stared. "Did you just sneeze?" she asked, blinking.

"In order to better simulate humans, I have made a program to randomly make me sneeze. It helps authenticity."

...

Negi, the drivers and 3-A had gathered at the supposed fortune teller's, which was actually a rather big stand, but seemed tiny with so many people crowded around it. The young teacher recognized several artifacts and magical implements (most of them of Celtic origin) that hung around the girl running the stand, which actually seemed to be a legit one. It briefly made him wonder how was Anya doing in London.

"Good afternoon, everyone!" the girl greeted her new clients cheerfully, speaking in a heavy Kansai accent with a hint of English that made Negi feel nostalgic. She was rather pretty, with relatively short brown hair, bright blue eyes, and glasses. Over her typical Japanese clothes, she wore a black cape and pointy mage hat, not unlike those used at Merdiana. Negi noticed a tiny pin on the girl's chest. It was the symbol of another magical Academy in England. "My name is Honami Takase Ambler, and for a ridiculously low fee, I'll tell you everything you need to know about your future love life! Step closer, don't be shy! I've trained under the best masters of both Eastern and Western fortune telling! Who will be the first one to—"

"Me! Me!" Makie made her way to the class, almost jumping on the young half-foreign mage. Misa, Misora, Ayaka and a few others groaned their protests; but it was too late now; laughing easily, Honami-san grabbed Makie's left hand and began examining the palm. Negi noticed she was very careful and exact while doing so, as much as Anya or Konoka when she practiced with her classmates. She surely knew what she was doing.

"Wow, what a spirit!" Miss Ambler said, smiling and keeping her eyes fixed on the lines of Makie's palm. "I can see you'll be quite an effusive lover without even—" Her voice trailed off uncomfortably, and she blinked. "— even looking at your— your—"

"Something wrong?" Makie asked, a bit concerned.

Honami forced a grin and shook her head. "N-No, it's nothing wrong, it's just... just..." Her gaze wandered around the confused 3-A, finally settling on Yuuna. "You! Let me see your hand, please?"

"Eh? Me?" the basketball player asked. "But why? I'm not interested in—"

"Just let me, okay?" the fortune teller grabbed her left hand as well, and stared at it intently. Her face quickly went first white, then red, finally purple.

"... What?" Yuuna's hand squirmed free.

"No way," Honami-san gasped. "You, over there! Excuse me, please!" the girl actually stood up from her chair, made her way to Ako, and read her palm as well. "..." she said. "…!-!-!-!-!"

Then, without missing a beat, she went over to analyze Ayaka's palm. "Now, I demand to know what is your—!" the heiress protested.

But just as soon, the livid fortune teller dropped her hand, moving over to Keiichi's. Then, just as quickly, Yue's. And Nodoka's, where she did a spit take. After that one, Chisame's. Asuna's. Fuuka's. Fumika's. Kaedes. Chao's. Satsuki's.

When it was Chachamaru's turn, Honami-san only blinked at the featureless surface of her hand. "There's nothing to read here..."

"I'm an artificial mechanical life-form," Chachamaru informed her dutifully.

"Oh..." Too rattled to care, Honami read Sora's hand, followed by Mana's. At that point, she decided it was just better to cut through the middle men and go straight to the perceived root of the problem. She grabbed Negi's hand and read it more carefully than any other before.

Her jaw dislodged itself momentarily.

"What? What? What?-!" Ayaka demanded.

Honami-san returned to her seat and slammed her hands down on her desk. "What the hell's wrong with you people?-! Get out of my business!"

"... What?-!" Ayaka yelled.

"Hey, what about my hand!-?" Haruna held a palm up.

"I've read enough by now to know I'll have a stroke if I read yours!" the fortune teller said.

"... Mine?" Misora offered shyly.

"I won't tell you anything, you-invoker-of-threesomes-with-little-girls!" Honami shook a finger threateningly. "I hope the Vatican sends the Iscariot Order after you!"

Misora paled. "... Cocone-chan?"

Elsewhere, blue light flickered again in Cocone's heart...

"Out, out, out!" Honami began to push them out. "And I'll call the cops if I ever see you again, freaks of nature!"

Ayaka was about to shout an indignant retort in her face, when the stand's door was slammed almost on her nose. She stood, open mouthed, index finger raised, in the middle of the street.

"Let's sue her," Matoi suggested. "Kaere-chan knows some excellent lawyers."

Haruna chuckled. "Why would we? We got a free consult! I learned all I wanted to know!"

"But we didn't actually learn anything..." Madoka said.

"What was implied only makes it all better than if it had been spelled out for us!" Haruna laughed.

"She's surely only a charlatan," Natsumi shrugged.

"And a crazy one to boot," Fuuka nodded. "Hey, let's go for some ice cream and kaiseki!"

Inside her booth, Honami Takase Ambler huffed to herself, puffing up and down. What a bunch of creepy, sinister, terrifying and abnormal people...

Then a sudden hideous realization hit her.

She looked at the palm of her own left hand and grimaced horribly, cold sweat covering her face...

...

There was a knock on the door some time later. Cautiously, Honami opened the door, her left hand covered by a bandage so she'll never accidentally read it again. On the other side were several little girls, and a strangely blank-faced teenager. "Yes?"

"Um, excuse me, but how long will you be closed?" asked a cute one who kinda reminded her of that white-eyed ninja girl from that manga.

Honami looked around, and breathed a sigh of relief at not seeing those… those… those… ugh, she couldn't think of anything bad enough to call them, and 'Twilight-fans' seemed overkill. "Ah, I suppose I can open back up now. Come in, come in…"

"Yay!" the little pink-haired one cried, dragging the Hinata-alike and an orange-haired girl inside. "Come on, let's get your fortunes!"

Calculator frowned. "Huh, deja vu… doesn't this girl kinda remind you of Hayate-chan?"

Twilight Red tilted her head. "A little… except, you know, without the obsessive Magic Knights and wheelchair…"

Evangeline casually walked into the store behind them, trying not to be noticed.

"All right!" Honami said, "Who's first?"

Both Yue and Haruna pushed Nodoka forward. Honami blinked.

"She's shy," Yue explained.

Honami nodded in understanding and took the girl's trembling hand. After a moment, she pried it open. "Ah, let's see… you clearly already have someone you love in your life… oh, and you're so young too, that's unusual… but to be with him, you'll need to be able to control great fear… help him deal with long-standing anger issues… you'll need lots of patience and…" She blinked in confusion. "Protect the Earth from an army of Super-powered space zombies?

"Hah, that's funny, onee-chan!" Haruna said, dragging a blushing and slightly confused Nodoka back and shoving Yue forward. "Do her next!"

"You make it sound so sordid," Yue grumbled as she reluctantly proffered her hand.

Honami took it a bit shakily, deciding she might have misread that last. After all, 'protect Earth from super-powered space-zombies' was a lot like 'direct a summer blockbuster hit'. She focused on the next girl, deciding to be more vague and brightened. "Ah! Interesting… you will have many lovers…"

"I DON'T HAVE A HAREM!" Yue snapped out of reflex.

Honami blinked.

"Sorry, please continue," Yue said, blushing deeply.

"Ahem," Honami said, wondering if she'd made a mistake opening up again so soon. "Anyway… you shall live an interesting life, balancing love and career… your lovers shall be famous people all, international celebrities! Ooh, no messy celebrity divorces or big public breakups, that's good to know… your most devoted lover shall be so close to you they'll be able to read your mind like an open book… but your most ardent lover shall always love you unceasingly, even if they don't seem like it and are going all Tsundere on you… and your love life shall be known thousands of years into the future, spawning many books, movies and historical AU fanfics!"

"Th-that's hardly appropriate to tell a child," Yue said twitchily. Haruna had her evil cat-smile on, and was chuckling malevolently.

"Ooh, me next, me next!" Konoka cried, bounding forward and holding out her hand.

Honami smiled at the girl's enthusiasm, trying to shake off the weirdness of the last two predictions. "Okay, let's see… oh, you already have someone who likes you!"

Setsuna blushed.

"And you like them back!"

Setsuna blushed deeper.

"I see a wedding!"

Setsuna started twitching.

"But you'll have a rival!"

Setsuna grew still.

"This rival will be unrelenting, determined to take them away from you! And… oh my! They will succeed, and part you from your loved one with death, and you will not be able to stop them, for your rival shall have power over life and death, and cannot die, the black hand of entropy itself, with madness in their blood and the devil's own protection from consequence!"

Setsuna gasped.

Honami, perturbed herself, peered at the hand. "Or it could mean you'll live happily ever after. I always get that one confused."

"Happily ever after!" Setsuna gasped, pulling Konoka back from any more fortunes.

Konoka laughed. "Okay, your turn, Set-chan!" she said, taking Setsuna's hand and holding it out to Honami.

Grimacing at whatever fresh weirdness this will bring, she gingerly looked at hand. Someone likes you, likes you back, wedding, rival, parted by death by rival with devil's own protection… no, too similar! She needed something different, lest they think she was just repeating herself! She focused harder… "Ah! You shall find your true love before your despised nemesis does, and lie with them before they do, engaging in wild hot monkey se—" Honami barely stopped herself in time, realizing to her horror who she was telling this to.

Setsuna, meanwhile, was grinning. "YES!" she cried, punching the air. "SUCK ON THAT, YOU BIG-BREASTED NOIHARA CAT-SLUT! YEAH! CROWS RULE, CATS DROOL!"

Konoka blinked, staring as she usually did whenever she found new evidence Setsuna wasn't as all-together as she appeared.

As the still-maniacally laughing swordsgirl was dragged away by Mint and Chitose, Evangeline stepped forward, holding out her hand. Honami blinked, frowning at her.

"Same school, different section from those weirdoes, I swear," Evangeline said.

Honami shrugged, taking the hand, which felt cool to the touch. "Well, let's see… oh, you're going to live a long time…"

Eva smiled bitterly.

"And you're going to be a successful teacher, respected and well-loved by your students, and world-famous to boot! And… oh my!"

"What?-!" Evangeline demanded.

Honami was blushing hard. "It says you will engage in an affair with one of your students which will last the rest of your life!"

Evangeline raised an eyebrow.

"And it will be a very young student, but also your most talented!"

The other eyebrow went up as well.

"But… oh my! It looks like you will be betrayed, for he will also have an affair with your maid, his secretary, your best friend, your roommate and… a Karakuri doll? That doesn't sound right…"

Eva's face became very smooth. "I think that's enough. That was the most ridiculous drivel I've ever heard. You sure you're a fortune teller?"

"I'm starting to wonder myself," Honami said dazedly.

Asuna and Chisame were dragged forward by Haruna, who both resignedly held out their hands. Honami took Chisame's hand first.

"Okay, let's see…" She cast about for specifically love-related and as close to normal things as she could. "Ah… you shall meet someone soon… and they'll be just like your sibling's lover…"

"I'm an only-child," Chisame said.

Honami racked her brain and the hand. "Well, 'sibling' in this context can mean twin, or someone you're really similar to… ah, I see you have someone like that, excellent. Anyway, this person you meet will be very devoted, loyal, a little weird, very worldly, and will like you for who you are. Also, they'll be good at photography. And though it will be hard to open up at first, with some sitcom-esque misunderstandings and situations, you two will eventually grow very close, your union blessed by the creator and the universe itself!"

Chisame and Honami both blinked at this. "That's… really normal."

"I know," Honami said, wondering how this perfectly normal girl got mixed in with these weirdoes. She really didn't seem the type to be friends with them.

Surprisingly for both of them, Chisame gave her a hug. "Thank you!" The hacker cried.

"W-what for?" Honami asked.

"For telling me I'll grow up normal and this is all just a phase!" Chisame cheered, actual tears in her eyes.

Evangeline made a disgusted sound and pulled her away.

Confused but gratified, Honami took the last girl's hand and perked up, deciding to stray a little from strictly 'love' fortunes. "Ah! Oh, let's see… you will live a long life and travel to interesting places and meet interesting people… you will have many friends who care for you… oh! You already know of the man you're destined for!"

"Oh? Who? That sexy reporter Clark Kent? Bruce Wayne? Neil Patrick Harris?" Asuna asked eagerly.

"Asuna, he's gay, get over it," Yue said tiredly.

"NEVER!"

"Ah, there will be many obstacles to your union," Honami continued. "You will need to learn to control your fiery, bloody-minded temper, lest you get a heart attack—"

"Done that!" Asuna chirped.

"And learn to embrace and control your passions," Honami said, blushing slightly. "Of which you have a lot of… oh my… and, um, the two of you will grow to care for each other deeply, but you will need to make the first step."

Asuna nodded solemnly. "Any clue as to who it is?" she asked eagerly.

Honami peered closely, ignoring the signs that said 'protect Earth from super-powered space-zombies' which she still insisted meant 'direct a summer blockbuster hit' and which all the girls had. She couldn't be repetitive, after all. "Ah! It says here they will be your first kiss! Isn't that romantic?"

Asuna paled. If this were an anime, she'd have suffered Color Failure. She started to tremble.

"And that he will be the first person to sleep with you!"

Her legs started to shake.

"And… oh! He'll treat you like a princess. Isn't that nice? And… AH! He will always be there for you, will put your safety and happiness before his own, will never toy with your heart, is a perfect gentleman, will DEFINITELY never have sex with his mother, will be a highly respected teacher and internationally famous, and will genuinely care for you. Oh my! You lucky, lucky girl. What do you say?"

Asuna fell to her knees, throwing back her head and shaking her fists at the sky. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!"

...

Itoshiki Nozomu looked up. "What was that scream?"

"It sounded like Asuna-san," A modest red bikini-clad Ai said. "But isn't she in Kyoto?"

...

As everyone cleared their eardrums and Honami stared at the girl's reaction, Mint and Chitose dragged the hysterically crying girl away.

"Me next!" Haruna cried.

Now deeply disturbed, Honami took her hand and peered at it. "You will be loved by your friends," she said in confusion.

Haruna waited eagerly.

"That's it," Honami said.

Haruna paled. "That's it? That's all there is?"

"All there is," Honami confirmed.

"No more?"

"No more," Honami nodded, not bothering to mention the palm-reading equivalent of a 'gone to lunch, will come back to this some other time' sign.

Haruna fell to her knees, throwing back her head and shaking her fists at the sky. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!"

...

A skimpy green bikini-clad Harumi looked up. "What was that scream? It sounded like Haruna!"

"Yes, it does, doesn't it?" Itoshiki commented, digging a hole below the tide line. "There seems to be a lot of that going on today…"

...

As the sobbing Haruna was dragged away, the door opened, and a dark-skinned woman entered. "There you are. Come on, we're moving."

As the girls filed out with varying degrees of reluctance, Kuro glanced at Honami. "Love fortunes?"

The stressed-out fortune teller nodded.

Kuro held out her hand.

Hesitantly, Honami glanced at it and drew back in horror. "Have you no decency?-!" she shrieked. "Your sister… and your brother… and those twins! And… GET OUT OF MY STORE, YOU INCESTOUS, DECADENT DEGENERATE!"

Kuro grinned. "Thanks for the treat!" she chirped, blowing the girl a kiss.

Honami threw herself to the floor, dodging it with a whimper. Alcohol. She needed alcohol…

...

Love is Blind!

"Let's just hope this works out better than the fortune telling..." Misa grumbled while Madoka sighed and tightened a blindfold around her eyes.

"I don't guarantee anything," Yue warned. "But the locals say, if you can make it from this rock to that rock over there without opening your eyes, you'll surely find success in love."

"Ara ara, what a lovely custom," Chizuru laughed softly as she put a blindfold around Natsumi's eyes. "I'm sure you can do it, Natsumi-chan! You've got excellent coordination!"

"Do I?" Natsumi asked.

At the same time, Yue began doing the same to Nodoka. Ayase and Naba looked into each other's eyes while helping their respective friends, and very briefly, a small sparkle flew between their eyes, as the air around them grew tense. Mana noticed it with an amused half smirk, while Setsuna shook her head to herself.

"I'll go first!" Misora chuckled, pulling her blindfold tight before giving two tiny hops forward. "The trick is going fast enough in a straight line, so you don't stray away! And that's a piece of cake for me! Just watch and weep!"

Laughing, she dashed off, going straight for the second rock down the street... but running directly into a wall instead. "Ow!"

"Yeah, I do feel like weeping," Chisame snarked.

"I must admit that was a good one..." Fuuka conceded.

"It's only twenty meters! Even a baby could do it!" Ayaka blindfolded herself, keeping a confident smile. "I'll teach you how it's done!"

Quickly, she marched ahead, clearing her mind and focusing on the rock before her. She remembered her martial arts training, to feel her surroundings rather than seeing them. Yukihiro Ayaka's 'Mind's Eye of Love' Technique!

"Target acquired! I'm going for it!" she laughed, charging ahead. Not so subtly, Yue and Chizuru pushed Nodoka and Natsumi forward, making them gasp before following Ayaka as best as they could.

"It's like watching drugged hens chasing each other," Asuna commented.

"But Iincho's got a quite good course!" Sakurako said. "She's almost there now!"

"Iincho, you're cheating! You're looking, aren't you?-!" Makie whined.

"Ho ho ho ho! Don't be silly! How could I look with this around my eyes? This is only the result of my skill, and my love for that person who—"

Then, just as she was about to reach the rock, the ground under her feet collapsed, and she fell into a pit trap filled with hopping frogs. Stumbling right behind her, Natsumi yelped and fell on top of her, both their panties showing for everyone to see.

"W-What?-! What's the meaning of this outrage?-!" Ayaka screamed.

"Ah, more frogs!" Makie cringed from above. Kaede gulped and rocketed up the nearest tree. Mana smiled and took a photo. Now that would be a lovely memento...

"Not fair...!" Natsumi sobbed as a huge green frog made itself comfy on top of her head. "I was so close...!"

Meanwhile, Nodoka somehow made her way around the hole, reaching the rock and touching it with trembling hands. "I-I-I did it!"

Haruna and Yue clapped. "You're the man, Nodo-chan!" Haruna cooed.

Misa pulled her blindfold off and looked at the pit, while Chizuru, Negi and Satsuki helped Ayaka and Natsumi out. "And you owe it all to Team Rocket, apparently..."

"Are you all right?" Negi asked, concerned.

"Nothing hurt but our pride, Negi-sensei!" Natsumi laughed it off with a soft blush.

"Is it safe now?" Kaede poked her head out from the tree's foliage.

While Ayaka, Keiichi and Sora gathered the students back around and headed for the next site, Chamo urged Negi to stay behind, whispering into his ear. "Hey, Bro. Haven't you noticed someone was missing while everything happened?"

Negi nodded. "I don't see Chao-san anywhere around... I'll go look for her!"

"I don't like the way she sticks to the shadows!" Chamo said. "There's something very suspicious about her!"

Chao was in a nearby alley, whispering something into a cell phone. "— Yes, okay, tonight at our Inn. In the baths, at the agreed hour, neh? I'll be there. Yes, I have what you want..."

"Chao-san?" Negi looked into the alley, lured by her voice. "Oh, here you are! Why did you stray from—"

"Oh, Sensei!" she turned around with an apologetic giggle. "Sorry! I was sight seeing, and I lost my way!" She hid the phone behind her back. "Thank you for finding me, I was very scared! Come on, let's go back with the others!"

She grabbed him by an arm, laughing, and pulled him along back to the group.

"Hey, look!" Fuuka pointed. "Sensei and Chao just came from that conveniently darkened alley, arm in arm!"

And all hell broke loose…

Again.

...

"Wow," Chibi-Nodoka said, watching the local her reach the stone as the other unfortunate members of the race were pulled out of the pit trap. "It's hard to believe I was ever that silly."

"Was?" Evangeline sniped, leaning against a pillar. "You mean you think you actually grew out of it? Because I seem to recall—"

"Oh, let it go, Eva-chan," Asuna said, brushing her blonde-dyed hair out if her eyes. She blinked, eyeing Evangeline. Or more specifically, her souvenir bags. "Eva-chan, is it just me, or do you have even more cheap crap with you now?"

Everyone looked at the half-dozen bags at Evangeline's feet, full of tourist knick-knacks ranging from little sculptures to t-shirts that read "I went to Kyoto and all I got was this lousy t-shirt".

Evangeline sniffed. Her nose went 'TSUN'! "What I do with my money is my business."

"Is this a love-charm?" Haruna asked, peering at one of the bags.

Evangeline snatched it away. "Stay out of my bags!"

As the hole was cordoned off, Nodoka casually said, "I wonder if I can still make it to the other end like I did before…"

The air seemed to thicken slightly, although there was apparently no change in mood.

"Aren't you guys above such silly things?" Chisame said.

Nodoka, Yue, and Evangeline looked thoughtful, while Haruna grinned like a cat. Setsuna blushed as Konoka giggled.

Asuna raised her eyebrow at the hacker, who sighed. "Never mind," Calculator said.

...

"All right!" Chibi-Konoka said, clapping her hands. "Everyone start with their hand on the starting stone. At Asuna's signal, we all head for the other one. First one there wins!"

"This is so air-headedly insipid," Evangeline drawled.

"Then why are you playing?" Calculator asked.

"Shut up, you!" Evangeline said, her hand on the stone.

"Ready…" Twilight began. Everyone got to ready positions. "Set…"

They closed their eyes.

"GO!"

...

"Move along," Kuro said, only half-alert, waving to members of 3-A that seemed too far away. "Move along. Stay together. Nothing to see here."

"We're on a field trip, Kuro-san, not crowd control."

Kuro turned find Erebus smiling at her, adjusting his White Wing pin in his hair. "Shouldn't you be with your fiancée being all lovey-dovey?"

Negi winced. "Can people stop joking about that?"

"Never," Kuro said immediately. "We'll keep hammering at it, the way we always poke at Setsuna for officially calling her Zanmaken Ni-no-Tachi 'In Celebration Of Her First Kiss With Konoka Strike', my brother for constantly restating the obvious, and Nanoha for shooting people in the face with Starlight Breaker. You wouldn't want to be left out, would you?"

Negi sighed. "Have you seen the others?"

"Last I saw them, they were over at the love stones," Kuro said, pointing…

… at a crowd.

They listened momentarily.

"Evangeline-san!" came Ayaka's scandalized cry. "Please, behave yourself! Just because this is your first field trip…!"

"GO SAWA-CHAN!" a Haruna cried. "Win one for the Kipper!"

"YOU CAN DO IT, YU-CHAN!" Matoi encouraged Chibi-Setsuna. "For photography and DEEP LOVE!"

Erebus and Kuro exchanged a look as Shizuna and some of the other students turned to look. Then they ran to see what the heck was going on.

They reached the backs of 3-A, and Kuro loudly called out, "Move it, chaperone coming through!"

Chizuru and Natsumi made way, the latter eyeing 'Nelly', who didn't notice. They got to the front and stared.

Evangeline was walking, eyes closed, to the other stone while Chibi-Haruna clung tight to her waist, trying to pull her back as Evangeline tried to push her off, swearing violently, and as a result moving in a wavering, circling path. Just as blind, Nodoka and Yue were both trying to push each other forward to a chorus of "You go first—", "No, you—", "No, really, you can—", "No, that's all right—", while Setsuna, blushing so furiously Erebus felt inclined to set up an appointment for her to get her blood pressure checked again, slowly maneuvered towards the opposite stone. This was complicated by the fact Konoka was being less methodical in her approach and was leaping around randomly, making Setsuna instinctively turn to follow her voice. To the side, Chibi Twilight Red, Chibi Calculator and her maids watched in bemusement.

"Times like this I'm inclined to think Vita and Chrono might be right about Earth-people being crazy," Kuro muttered.

"Ah!" 'Nelly' waffled. "Everyone! Please be careful! There's still a big hole there!"

"Yes, be careful!" Negi echoed. "Evangeline-san, don't be so forceful! You might hurt Sawa-chan!"

"There are still frogs in the hole," Mana commented.

Kaede yelped and ran back to her tree. Mana made a languorous, happy smile and took more pictures.

In the end, Konoka wandered off to a booth selling candy and led Setsuna astray, Nodoka and Yue wouldn't touch the rock, insisting the other go first, and Evangeline fell into the hole and had a traumatic flashback of when Nagi cursed her…

...

Love is Drunk!

"Hey, Negi, whatcha doing back there?" the local Asuna called out with an easy laugh, Konoka next to her. "We're about to hit the Otowa waterfall!"

"Oh... Oh, yes!" Negi nodded and followed them quickly, even as Chamo kept on whispering into his ear.

"I tell you, Bro, something's definitely fishy about her!"

"I'll ask Erebus-san about that later," the boy whispered a promised. "Okay?"

They reached the place where 3-A had gathered around three streams flowing from the Otowa temple and into a small pool. Erebus waved to Negi, who joined him. The girls were grabbing glasses and jars, taking places around the water eagerly.

"Having fun?" Negi asked.

Erebus nodded, trying to keep the wind from whipping his hair in his face. "Yes, definitely! Though I have a strange feeling I'm forgetting something…"

"Hey, hey, Yue!" Misa called over. "Which one is which here?"

Sighing, Ayase took her mouth off her carton of Wakandan strawberry juice and pointed up. "From right to left, they are for Health, Career and Studies, and Marriage."

Ako immediately placed a cup under the Health one, and Akira did the same for Studies, but the rest of the girls had other plans.

"The left one! The left one!" Fumika chanted, making it there first and taking the first big gulp.

"Ah, I want some too!" Makie ran to her side.

"Makie-san!" Ayaka stormed in next. "Hold on there! We should all form a line! We—" She was all but stepped on by Asuna, who took the third place in the strange sudden competition. "ASUNA-SAN!"

For Takahata-sensei! Asuna smiled to herself and drank avidly before deigning to answering the Class Rep. "What's your problem, Iincho? If we start taking numbers and debating who'll go first, we'll spend the whole day here! You only want to fix this so you drink before anyone else!"

"I-I-I have no interest in... In...!" Ayaka gasped, scandalized, before Asuna grinned deviously and offered her the cup she had just drunk from. After a brief moment of hesitation, Ayaka scoffed and drank from it as well.

"Indirect kiss," Matoi said quietly, between sips of her own cup.

"Shut up, Sempai!" both rivals barked at her in perfect unison.

"Mmm, it has a strange taste, but it's so delicious..." Sakurako licked her lips. "Try some, Satomi-chan!"

"Sure, why not..." the genius shrugged and drank.

Yuuna, who by now was very wary of drinking anything with an unusual taste, quickly pulled back her own cup and discreetly poured it until only about three drops of liquid remained before drinking anything.

"Hmmmm..." Madoka frowned a bit, finding the taste too overpowering. But if it helped her to get Kyon-sempai...

"You drink too, Sora-nee!" Fuuka held a full glass up for the older Hasegawa.

"M-Me?" the shy college student gasped. "Oh, no! I mean, I don't have anyone to—"

"Come on...!" Fuuka urged her, winking and lowering her voice deviously. "A woman your age must have her eyes on someone..."

Sora almost scowled. "W-What was that supposed to mean?"

Fuuka giggled, just a bit oddly. "Well, you know... Don't you have any boy you like? Like Morisato-sempai?"

Sora blushed bright red, her glasses almost falling off her face. "S-Sempai? Oh, no! No! W-What I mean is, there is... someone else at Nekomi... but..." She drooped moodily. "I'm nothing compared to him..."

Fumika's smile turned more benevolent, almost comforting, but she still kept on holding the water at Sora's direction. The young woman took a very deep breath. "Okay. You win, Narutaki-san," And she drank.

Nodoka, her cheeks red with embarrassment, doubted it would do any good, looking at the cup in her own small hands. But then she looked at Natsumi, who was drinking after gathering as much courage as she could, and she followed her example.

"It's so good...!" Misa made a satisfied sound. "I want more!"

"Yes..." Ayaka nodded twice, gaining a spaced out look in her blue eyes. "I already can feel something running through me... Is this the flavour of a miracle?"

"Maybe it'll be more effective the more we drink!" Ku Fei hiccuped.

Yuuna lifted an eyebrow. "Negi-sensei? I think something's wrong here..."

"No joke," Chisame grimaced, seeing how Asuna and Ayaka were leaning on each other while gathering more water to drink, their arms over each other's shoulders. "I don't think this is normal water at all."

"It's sake," Kaede explained calmly while sipping a tiny glass of her own.

"EHHHH?-!-?-!" Negi, Yuuna, Chisame and Keiichi gasped aloud.

Erebus paled and facepalmed. "Ah, now I remember…" he muttered.

Yue gave the ninja an inquiring look. "How can you be so sure?"

"Father and Auntie Miko have given me a few sips here and there to build resistance. A nin— I mean, a modern woman must be ready and prepared for anything-de gozaru. There's nothing wrong with an occasional glass with moderation..."

Mana looked dryly at their classmates. "Well, there's no moderation at all to be seen here..."

Kuro frowned, reached over with a finger at the questionable falls and licked the moisture on it. "Yup, alcohol all right. I've heard of water to wine, so rice wine isn't much of a stretch…"

"Ara, ara!" Chizuru put a hand on her right cheek, while helping a staggering Natsumi to remain on her feet. "But Natsumi, you only drank a cup!"

The actress babbled, shaking her head. "A cup? I feel like I just drank a barrel... I'm also feeling like I'm in that car with Leigharch-san again... My head is shooting itself off my shoulders..."

Fuuka giggled and slurred, grabbing Fumika by the lapels of her jacket. "Ne, Fumika-chan, why wait...? Let's just give Negi-kun a good show right here an' now..."

"Shounds good, Nee-chwan..."

"Think of what you're doing!" Chisame slapped them across their heads.

"You're an uncouth trash tawkin' monkey, but your not ugly, Ashuna-san..." Ayaka chuckled, her face uncomfortably close to that of her enemy. "Ya know, when you graduate, why don't you move in with Sensei and me, to be our maid...?"

Asuna burped on her face and shook her head. "No way I'm workin' for you and the brat, Iincho... I WANNA LIVE LIKE A PRINCESS AGAIN! JUST LIKE NEE-CHAN, WARRIOR PRINCESS!"

"Eh?" Yuuna's frown grew. "Since when has Asuna had a sister?"

Negi tried to laugh. "P-Please, Akashi-san! They're drunk, they obviously have no idea what are they're saying!" And he moved in to help. "Girls, girls, please! Straighten up and get a hold of yourselves! The other teachers will see us!"

Then Makie jumped onto his back, nearly toppling him over. "Negi-kuuun! Why don'tcha drink shome wit' us two? You're alwaysh so worried, sho mature, so bored... Live a lil! You'd be even cuter then..."

He tried to put her down as gently but firmly as he could, but she was surprisingly strong in her grip. "Makie-san, please, control yourself!"

"Be careful, Makie-san!" Erebus warned. "You might fall off the edge!"

"Negwi-kuuuun..." Makie whimpered, ignoring 'Nelly'. "Ya know, I'd bet you're even better kissin' than—"

"MAKIE!-!-!" Yuuna screamed. "LISTEN TO YOURSELF!"

Makie giggled dumbly, giving Yuuna a clumsy come hither look over her shoulder, making Chisame, Yue and Mana wonder. Keiichi shifted around in place, strangely uneasy, before moving on to help the near barfing Sora. Then the pink-haired girl stuck her tongue out. "Nyah! I don't wanna talk to you now, Yuuna-chan! I prefer to use my mouth f'r shmting ewse!"

"Makie-san, now, please..." Negi sighed, shaking his head, right before feeling something closing his mouth for him. His eyes grew gigantic.

Makie had just titled her head down, landing a big wet kiss on his lips.

Everyone stared in shock.

After a beat, 'Nelly' ventured, "Hey, get off my cousin?" That was how Meilin did it, wasn't it?

...

Interlude: Uranus and Neptune.

A private plane flew over the Pacific. Inside, a rather cute face was pressed against one of the windows, looking down at the ocean with huge, childish blue eyes.

"Oh, look, Red! I think that's a corpse floating down there!" Harley Quinn cooed.

Pedro stared piteously up at the passing plane. "My sexy wife! Wait for me…!"

"Fascinating, I'm sure," Poison Ivy yawned, stretching her arms and legs while a vacant-eyed flight assistant with a green hickey on her neck served her drinks. "No, really, I mean it. Don't you agree, Devlin?"

The forty-something blond man sitting next to her stuttered. J. Devlin Davenport, playboy millionaire. As a socialite, second only to Bruce Wayne. Since a few hours ago, a mindless puppet. "Whatever you say, Ivy," he said in a mechanical way.

"You sure I can't eat him?" the towering Killer Croc asked from the back of the airplane.

"You'll eat enough when we arrive, Waylon," Ivy chided. "And besides, Devlin might be our cheapest ticket back home when our business there is done. You'll continue helping us, won't you, Dev darling?"

"Whatever you say, Ivy," the illustrious prisoner repeated, his eyes nailed on nothing at all.

"Well, at least ya got us a decent set o' wings fer dis gig," the Scarface puppet grumbled, once again perched on the quiet Ventriloquist's right hand. Behind them, two hulking goons, a man and a woman, both black haired and remarkably similar to each other, sat silently. "How long 'til we finally get dere, anyways?"

"An hour at most, I assume," Ivy shrugged. But then she paused, frowning. "Waylon? What's that I'm hearing?"

"Nothin'," Croc's voice replied hastily.

"You aren't eating another flight attendant, are you?"

A very long pause. "... No."

Ivy looked over and groaned. "Waylon! We're running out of them already! Keep it up, and I'll make you serve my martinis!"

...

For the Sake of Everyone!

You could have cut the silence in the extremely tense air with a knife as Makie finally pulled her lips apart from a stunned Negi's.

Then, as expected, all mayhem broke loose.

Again.

"Makie-saaaaan!" Ayaka roared, her feet staggering clumsily for her, her hands grasping for air to strangle. "That hash been a complete violashion of our rulesh! I'll have to punish you...!"

"C-Calm down, everyone!" Negi asked, still reeling from the shock. "Don't fight! Makie-san, why did you d-do that?"

The gymnast giggled and fell sitting on the ground, supporting herself with her arms. "You taste so good, Negwi-kun! Even better than—"

At that moment, Ako 'accidentally' tripped and fell on her. "Woops, sworry!"

Makie giggled again, hugging her and making her groan. She had only wanted to silence her, not THIS! "Awwww, Ako-chwan, you're so sweet! You care after all!"

"Izumi, as your group leader, I order you to keep your wits!" Chisame forcefully helped her stand up with Akira's help. The swimmer was, all in all, completely sober despite having drunk a far larger share of sake herself. "Akashi, help me with this!"

"R-Right! On it!" Yuuna purposefully steered away from Makie and Ako and tried helping Ayaka instead. "Easy, easy, Iincho. Better just sit down and rest..."

"I'm perfectly okay, Akwashi-san!" Ayaka refused the help, shaking her off. "Gwo hewlp your girlfriendsh instead, okay?"

"D-Don't be ridiculous! Of course I don't have any girlfriends!" Yuuna stammered, horrified.

Ako and Makie snorted, but said nothing.

Asakura and Haruna, who had drunk nothing, shared a glinting, intrigued look.

Somewhere in the crowd, watching over Ayaka with binoculars, Roberta shivered impotently. Oh, someone was going to pay for that...

"I want a kiss two, Negwi-kun!" Fuuka said.

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" Fumika repeated.

Misa chuckled and slurred, wrapping her arms around Negi's neck from behind. "You're two late to the pawty, girlsh. Negwi-kun'sh lipsh are awready all mine, okay? Go screw each othew and weave men for those who can appreciate 'em..."

She then pouted her lips for another kiss, but Chisame pushed her away from him. "Away with you, Jezebel!"

"Yeah, what she shaid!" Matoi nodded, placing herself right behind Chisame, supporting herself on her. "Ahhhh, Chisame-sama... I love when you chow y'r authority off..."

Misa grunted and readied her fists. "Your gonna fight, Hashegawa? Fine wit' me! Your been askin' for thish f'r a long while! Let's settle it woman to woman! Without your leech lover wit' you!"

Matoi's eyes went narrow. "Leech...? Yer callin' me LEECH, lil' girl...?"

Sora stumbled in between them, despite Keiichi's best attempts to hold her back. The short woman was surprisingly strong her in her drunken stupor, which made her normally sedate mood to swing wildly. "AWRIGHT, YOU, PURPLE HAIR! YOU WANNA GET MAH SISTER, YA FIGHT ME FIWST, OKAY?-!"

"Sora, please...!" Keiichi urged. "We're the adults here, remember!"

The woman shook her head. "I'm a sishter firsht, an adult later, sempai! Evewyone says I look like a middle schooler anyway!" she sobbed loudly. "Might ash well act as one! Aoshima-sempai will newer notishe me anyway!"

"I feel yer pain, swister!" Natsumi nodded energetically, sobbing as well. "Bein' short, flat an' freckled ish suffering!"

Sora ran to hug her. "Finally! Someone who undewstands! Let's be fwiends, Sakuwako-chan!"

"I'm Natsumi...! I think," she hiccuped. "I'm Natsumi, right, Chizu-nee?"

"Right now, no," Chizuru had to drone.

Misora and Nodoka had leaned on each other, faces dangerously close.

"I never notished, but your weally cyute, Honya-chan."

"Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-You a-a-a-awe vewy pwetty y-yourself, Misowa-san..."

They drew closer for a kiss, but just as soon as Negi noticed, yelped and tried to interfere, they both fell onto their respective backs, snoring. Actually, in Nodoka's case, she fell into an expectant Yue's arms.

Ayase sighed. "Thank God," she whispered.

"Ayase-san, why didn't you stop them sooner?" Negi asked.

"I really wanted to, Negi-sensei..."

"But...?"

She was about to say, "It was so cute...!", but ended up saying, "I guess I was just refusing to believe it was happening..."

...

Interlude: Love Hina Again!

At the same time, in Okinawa.

"Blue sky! White clouds! Golden sands! And pretty girls in swimsuits!" Kafuka summed up happily, prancing around Itoshiki in her light pink bikini. "Ah! Isn't this enough to make you happy, Sensei?"

"The blue sky is far too sunny, the white clouds are being replaced by grey ones over the East, the golden sands are too hot, and the pretty girls in swimsuits are my underage students, so no, I'm not particularly happy," the tall thin man sipped his icy drink while fanning himself with a small paper folding fan. He was wearing blue trunks, a straw hat, and an open light jacket over his bare bony torso.

The shapely, gorgeous young woman with long light brown hair running the stand they were at scowled for a moment, her two hair ahoge twitching, before turning around to Sakura Mei and whispering, "I didn't believe it before now, but yes, he's just like you said, Mei-chan."

Mei, clad in a frilly orange bikini, sighed and nodded sadly. "You get used to him after a while, Naru nee-chan..." she whispered back.

Urashima Naru gave her a sympathetic look before calling over, "Hey, everyone! Stop fooling around with the clients and help me here, will you?-!"

Ignoring her altogether, a micro-red-bikini sporting Kimura Kaere still was burying Keitaro-san under a mountain of legal threats. "—And walking on me in the dresser! I'll sue you for sexual harassment, you satyr! I'm going to leave you in the street!"

"I knocked, a-and you didn't answer!" the young man with glasses excused himself nervously. "I had to clean up there, that's my duty!"

"Those are only excuses!" the loud blonde shouted. "I know your type far too well!"

Aoyama Motoko was sparring all across the coastline with Touko-sensei, chatting amiably about Setsuna's progress while their attacks raised considerable explosions of ki and sand in all directions.

Kaolla Su and Maria laughed as they soared through the sea in a giant turtle shaped motorbike, the illegal immigrant hugging the blonde's waist, young dark skinned sweaty flesh pressed against young dark skinned sweaty flesh.

Otohime Mutsumi and Abiru sat under a beach umbrella talking about the best ways to bandage critical wounds.

Konno Mitsune and Harumi were engaging in a watermelon smashing duel. Mitsune, maybe-annoyed (it was impossible to tell with her), had started thinking it had been a bad idea to bet against that insanely athletic high schooler.

Maehara Shinobu stared aghast at her cellphone, wondering who had started sending her threatening messages. Sitting a few feet away, Meru pressed key after key in her own phone, smiling a cute, tiny smile.

Itoshiki extended an empty plate over to Naru. "Urashima-san, would you happen to have some badly cooked fugu, please?"

Naru was starting to feel tempted to dust off the old Naru Punch now. "Sensei, I've told you nineteen times already, we don't offer suicide services here!"

...

Oh, for Pete's Sake!

As Keiichi, Chisame, Konoka, Chachamaru, Chao, Satsuki, Haruna, Yuuna, Akira and Yue attended to the drunken students, and Setsuna, Evangeline, Zazie, Mana and Kaede stood around really doing nothing but keeping the crowd intimidated and away with their mere presence, Negi climbed up to the temple's roof, finding a large barrel of liquor attached to the water suppliers.

"This... This is sake!" he gasped aloud. "Who could have done such a thing?-!"

"Indeed, it is!" Kazumi popped out right behind him, taking several pictures. "Whoo-hoo, this is gonna be a monster exclusive! I'll bet there are some very naughty monks here!" And then, she paused. "Wait a minute, Sensei. How do you know this is sake?"

"Well, other than what Kaede-san said, it's written right here," Negi pointed to the barrel's label.

"Oh. Of course," the reporter said. "Anyway, we must learn the truth about this! Who knows, maybe they are trying to get us drunk to take advantage of our firm young bodies!"

"Stop saying such crass things before a child!" Chisame shouted from below.

Negi and 'Nelly' blinked. "What does—?"

"DON'T THINK ABOUT IT!-!-!-!-!-!" Chisame cried.

"Negi-sensei!" Keiichi called out. "We'd better report this to the local authorities! Whoever pulled this prank has to be found and caught!"

"I'll go!" Sora jumped back to her feet clumsily. "Yesh, I know mah way around copsh! Den I'll team up wit' 'em an' dere'll be a big big car chase! An' Bang-Bang, and Steven Seagal-sama will kick shome bad guysh in the face!"

"You go, Morisato-san," Chisame asked flatly, holding her sister down.

Keiichi nodded. "Definitely," he pointed to the rented tour bus, "Meanwhile, carry them over there, let them rest and give them some actual fresh water to recover. I'll come back and drive you to the hotel as soon as I finish."

"What will we do when the other teachers arrive and see them like that?" Yuuna asked, pointing at a hiccupping Ayaka, who was trying to make herself heard and obeyed over her own loud involuntary unladylike sounds. The fact a good half of what she was saying revolved around how pretty Asuna was wasn't helping her case. Asakura was taking extensive pictures and grinning about Freud and UST.

"Yeah, we'll be suspended, and the trip will be cancelled," Yue was concerned.

"It's okay, I'll explain everything!" Negi said while helping Asakura down. "They drank without knowing it was liquor, so it was only an honest mistake. I'm sure no one will hold it against them."

"Are you sure Nitta will buy that?" Kazumi questioned.

"Yeah! We need to think of a good excuse!" Haruna began to rub her chin...

Ten minutes later, Nitta-sensei arrived, followed by Seruhiko-sensei and an intensively scowling, note-taking Suzushiro Haruka. Nitta sniffed the air. "What's this? I could swear it smells of sake..."

"It's the frog repellent we started using after the train!" Haruna said.

"I wasn't aware frogs hated sake," Seruhiko said indifferently, looking at the bus. "Why are all those classmates of yours sleeping in mid-day?"

"Insomnia," Yue replied.

"Exhaustion," Mana added impassively.

"Bad food," Zazie whispered.

"They... They'll be okay after a little rest..." Negi promised.

Hakase burped in her sleep, then swung an arm around Nodoka and pulled her against herself. Absently, a snoring Sakurako half-punched her in the head.

Shizuna and Takahata approached as well. "And where's Morisato-san?" the woman asked.

"Ah... Well, you see..." Negi began.

The local police station:

Keiichi slammed a hand against his cell's bars. "For the last time, I *wasn't* confessing I got those students drunk! I just said I thought someone else did it!"

"Do you think he's really saying the truth, Sergeant?"

"I'm still not sure. I tell you he has the typical generic face and stereotypical black spiky hair of a standard H-Game protagonist... Let's see if he cracks and confesses before we let him go."

...

"Maybe we should have warned them about the sake," Yue commented as she took a drink from the Career and Studies spring.

"Nah, they're big girls, they can take it," Haruna said, drinking of the same.

"Still, maybe we'd better help?" Nodoka suggested, before Yue passed her cup over. She took a drink.

"Nah, that'll be suspicious," Kuro said, swigging back the whole cup she was holding. "You're all supposedly too small to be able to help."

"Aren't you a chaperone?" Chisame said pointedly. "Shouldn't you be helping?"

"And why are you drinking from Health?" Asuna asked. "What have you got to worry about? You've got a magic healing sheath Noble Phantasm."

"Hey, so far I've had my heart ripped out, stabbed repeatedly, had my arms cut off and I'm pretty sure I've met Death of the Endless too many times to be healthy," Kuro said, refilling her cup. "I need all the Health I can get."

...

Theoretically, it should have been a quiet trip back to the inn. Thankfully, the theater and the waterfall had been the last thing on the agenda, which meant the class was free to sleep things off. Unfortunately, not everyone had passed out.

Matoi hadn't passed out like the others, something Chisame regarded as very unfortunate. She'd finished her 'happy' drunk phase, gone to 'clingy' as Chisame tried to get her into the bus, moved to 'lustful' when Chisame tried to get her to sit down, progressed to 'philosophical' as they'd waited for Keiichi, proceeded to 'overly friendly I-Love-Yous' as Negi went to explain things to the police and, now that they were on the move, had proceeded to 'weepy'.

"— and Tisame-tsama probabwy doesn't really wike me anybay," Matoi sobbed. "Avta ahl, she got Haka… Haga… big foreheag, sho where do Ich fit in? Ib hush a flat-sheshted, skwany, weird, abboying loosher!"

"Now that's not true, Matoi-san," Chibi-Setsuna consoled her, patting the girl's hand. They had gotten surprisingly close over the past few days. Who knew she'd have so much in common with a stalker? "I'm sure she cares about you. Chisame's just not the type to show it, that's all. You know how tsundere she can be…"

"Hey!" Chisame and Calculator protested quietly, trying to be indignant and not wake anyone at the same time.

...

Interlude: Joker.

Somewhere else in Kyoto

Cinema Town. A place where tourists and entertainers alike strolled around clothed in the most outlandish ways, regardless of age or gender. It was an unusual break from standard Japanese properness, almost an eternal Rio Carnival.

Finally, a place where The Joker could be himself in this forsaken country.

He sat there, sipping his iced tea, thanking the passing costumed bystanders who congratulated him on the perfection of his cosplay. He even agreed to take photos with a few of them. At one point, a guy in a homemade Batman costume approached him asking for a 'dynamic battle pose' that consisted of them both standing in front of each other, fists balled up, as if ready to fight. Moron. The only reason, other than that annoying need for secrecy, Joker didn't shoot him was because it was funnier to just slip him a delayed-effect Joker Venom-coated copy of the picture. Someone was going to have a very unpleasant final night in a few hours.

Finally, his contact arrived.

"Boss," she said in a perfect, if rough, English. She looked like a she, at least, even if a butch one with a manly thick voice. "You look good."

"Hi, Bruno," the pale man nodded, tapping his cane twice against the cafe's floor. "You too. Finally got yourself a boyfriend?"

"No."

"You been looking around here?" the clown chuckled, waving a gloved hand around. "Men here are the kind you like. Small, weak, submissive, easy to break... well, except the Yakuza. And the sumo wrestlers. And that Nabeshin fella in the movies... But let's stop talking about those closest to you, and talk about those closest to me! How are things shaking in Old Gotham?"

"The Bat ain't been seen in almost two weeks now," she lowered her voice as much as she could.

"Oh, he does that. I'll bet he's gallivanting around the world with Ra's little minx. Or maybe... he's come after me," his eyes sparkled devilishly. "Oh, how I wish it's the latter."

"You're weird, Sir."

"Duly noted, Marcie. Ah-duh!"

She lowered her gruff voice again. "Miss Harley just escaped the bin again, with Ivy."

He made a dismissive sound. "Like I care! That wacky chick's yesterday's news!" He pulled a thick manila folder sealed with a smiley face pin. "This chick's the one to keep an eye on now."

"Hm?"

"I want you to deliver this to the girl in this note." He put a small piece of paper into one of her breast pockets. "You have her cellphone number written here. You'll tell her the message written in that note, and that's it."

"That's it?"

He grinned evilly. "For now, at least. After that, you'll report back to me and I'll tell you what to do next on this Decadent Habit-esque little side-plot! As if there weren't too many already…"

"Fair enough," the mannish big woman shrugged, not really understanding and tucking the folder into her black leather briefcase. "You been having fun here so far?"

"Not yet, Bruno, but it's always sweeter after a wait. Yes, always sweeter then..." he mused. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to prank call Urobushi!"

...

Interlude: White Rabbit.

"I'm late. I'm late, I'm late, I'm late."

The young woman with long, cascading red hair muttered to herself while walking down the streets of Kyoto, heading for the train station. Since she muttered in English, no one she passed by knew exactly what she was saying, but she looked like a complete lunatic all the same. Everyone only chalked it up to loony gaijin tourists being loony gaijin tourists.

She wore baggy pants and a white shirt with a large bunny face on its front. An almost comically oversized purse hung from her right shoulder. Additionally, she held an old watch in a hand, which she checked constantly while talking to herself.

It was already late, indeed, when she finally reached the small police station she was looking for. Just like she had been told, it was a time right between changes of guarding. Timing was key. She looked at the watch again, smiled, and pocketed it.

"Good afternoon," she said casually in clumsy Japanese, as she walked into the tiny building. There was only one cop there, sitting behind a desk reading a magazine. God bless the Japanese and their ridiculously low crime rates. They made their cops like kittens waiting to be shot in a box. In Gotham, such a place would be swarmed with coppers at any given hour.

The big, young, black-haired policeman gasped as soon as he noticed her presence, hastily hiding the magazine. The woman with the white rabbit shirt thought she had glimpsed its title, though, in huge Western letters over the kanji. Loli-looking Teen Idols in Slightly Transparent White Bikinis. Ishihara Approved, the Hypocritical Bastard!

Sicko...

She wondered what he was doing later…

"G-Good afternoon, Ma'am!" he greeted her, trying to sound as professional and definitely not perverted as possible. She could read the 'Nakajima Ken' name tag on his shirt. "What can I do for you?"

She bowed. "Good afternoon. I have come for an animal that escaped me during a train trip from Mahora. I'm a certified animal trainer," she held up her perfectly doctored credentials, "and I'm willing to pay for any damages my prized chimpanzee may have caused."

Nakajima Ken looked at the credentials, scratching his chin. "Well... It's good you came just now, Ma'am. We had called the Kyoto Zoo, and they were going to send a representative for your pet early tomorrow. You'll understand you'll have to fill up a lot of forms, and possibly face a lawsuit from a prestigious Academy. It seems your monkey attacked some students; everyone was just lucky no one was wounded..."

She smiled. "Money isn't a problem. We'll be willing to compensate those children as generously as possible. May I see Koko now?"

"Sure, but until we get an official authorization, I'm afraid you can't take him away. Follow me, please," He guided her to a back room. "Here, as you can see, he's in perfect shape..."

He only had started to point at the small and tight cage where the ape shook and complained, barely able to move, when she put a dart gun on his back and fired.

One second later, he fell on his face, snoring loudly.

"I'm late, I'm late, I'm late..." she repeated, walking over him. "Be thankful you aren't. In Gotham, we wouldn't hold back so much."

Expertly, she forced the cage's lock open, with the skill of a seasoned criminal. She smiled as the ape jumped into her extended arms, making loud contented sounds.

"Glad to see you again! The Boss has missed you all day long." She patted his head. "You did well. Now it's time to go back to Wonderland."

...

Shadow of the Bat.

Somewhere Else In Kyoto Yet Again

The big man with the square chin and the black hair finished filling his registration papers.

"Well, have a nice stay here, Mister Malone," the attendant told him, with a very brief and Japanese polite nod.

"Thank you very much," he replied in a flawless Japanese with only the slightest American accent. "You have a very nice inn. I'm sure I'll love being here."

Not that he would be there for long. He would find the Joker as fast as he could, and that would require him to spend as much time out as possible. Terrorizing the local members of the Washimine family had pointed him in that general area, but he knew Joker never stayed quiet in the same place for long.

As Bruce Wayne followed the young assistant to the stairs, he passed by next to a bunch of schoolgirls headed by a young boy with dark red hair, carrying a wooden staff. There was an obviously drunk girl with short black hair clinging to the back of a shorter girl with long light brown hair and glasses, slurring, "Tisame-tswama... We're goinw ta sweep in th' shame woom, ain't we...?"

Wayne nearly shook his head to himself. Children nowadays.

...

Interlude: Birthday Gift

Deep within Professor Tomoe's Laboratories.

"The Professor says my treatment's going okay again," Hanyuu Mimi-sensei whispered, looking down at the small pink creature inside of the heavily sealed containment unit. "The usual stuff, it barely hurts anymore. I only have to relax, avoid stress, you know, all of that. I'm sure we'll find a breakthrough soon enough. You only need to be patient."

"Eudial and the others? Yeah, they're bitches, but I can endure that. Now that Testarossa woman, she's a real pain in the butt, but it isn't going to work without her. So what choice is there?"

"You know she has started calling us the Witches Five, right? It's infuriating, how she mocks us like that. If she didn't put so much effort into the actual work, I'd be sure she's just waiting for us to fall. But of course, we wouldn't be ant use to her in that state."

Although she knew they indeed would still be useful for testing if it ever came to that. The creature before her was living proof of that.

No, not a creature. She needed to remind herself that.

"You're my only friend ever. I promise I'll bring you back, one way or another. Even if it means sucking up to that bitch forever. Then everything will be like before."

No, another lie. It had been years since that. They'd never go shopping together again, or talk about boys the same way. They never would return to those days before her friend fell ill.

"Yes, I know what day is today. That's why I brought you this. The :Professor says it won't hurt, just this once." She slipped the small piece of cheese down the feeding conduit, smiling as she watched the small creature (that denomination again—) gorging on it.

"Happy birthday, Charlotte-chan," Mimete said.

...

Clothes Make The… Man?

"I've told you, it doesn't count as crossdressing," Vigilante argued.

"You're wearing my sweaters. A girl's sweaters!" Rin shot back.

"I like wearing sweaters. And yours fit me," he told her. "True, red isn't really my color, but these still are very unisex. There isn't anything wrong with that!"

"Maybe we should just see if we can fit you into some kind of disguise and take you out to buy your own sweaters..." Sakura suggested, not for the first time.

"Too risky, like I've told you!" Rin shot the idea down again. She put a finger on Vigilante's beak. "There's no way to hide this with any kind of mask! Not to mention the feathers all over his body!"

"Then don't complain about your sweaters. I can't be wearing my fighting clothes all day long," Vigilante replied. "It would ruin my style!"

"Actually, I wouldn't mind the sweaters that much if you started wearing pants with them," Rin admitted. "As it is, it's kinda creepy, seeing my clothes right over someone's bare lower body."

"It isn't bare!" he quacked.

"Feathers don't count as actual coverage in my book!" Rin claimed.

"But Oneesama, you don't mind when I—" Sakura began.

Vigilante held a hand up. "I thought we all had agreed you wouldn't ever talk about that in my presence!"

...

"Hey, Sensei," Chisame said as she finished tucking a soundly snoring Matoi under the covers of her futon. Ako and Hakase were similarly asleep by now, and Akira and Yuuna had gone to bathe before hitting the pillow. "Now we finally can discuss things over, what's the deal with everything that happened today? First all those crazy animals in the train, and now this..."

"Well, you know, the strangest accidents often happen during trips," Negi feigned innocence. "Often, even things that would seem completely impossible—"

Glare.

Negi gulped. "— Happen, and weird as they may seem, it's only a string of amazing coincidences—"

Glare.

"B-Because, well, as the old saying goes, truth is stranger than fiction, and— and—"

"Brat!" Chisame barked.

"Aie!" Negi covered his head with his hands. "I don't know anything! I'm not hiding anything! I'm not suspecting anyone!"

"It's all that darn Chao's fault!" Chamo clenched a paw into a fist.

Chisame stopped pinching Negi's cheeks to drag an answer from him, and Negi stopped sobbing in turn. "Eh?" they chorused.

The ermine fumed from his spot next to the door. "I'm sure that whole stunt with the monkey was staged, to lure you into a false sense of security, Bro! No way they have hoped that animal succeeding on getting away with the letter; not like he could fly outta the train, and he was too big and noisy to escape unnoticed. I'll bet that was arranged beforehand! No, no way the monkey just happened to casually run straight into her allowing her to make her big scene! And didn't you notice the way she looked at the letter? I'm convinced she knew about it!"

Chisame had finally snapped enough out of the wall of text to ask, appalled, "Which letter?-! The one she taunted you about being a lovey-dovey thing from Nel— er, Springfield-san?"

"Which else?" Chamo snorted.

Negi, helplessly, held up an envelope. "Yes, this one. The Dean gave it to me for delivery to the leader of the local magic association, and he asked me to keep it a secret, but—"

"I'm your partner! Don't you trust me?" she huffed.

"I-I-It isn't that!" Negi said. "It's just I didn't want to get you involved in this if there's no need for it! I know you value your normalcy so much..."

"Feh, it can't be worse than the Evangeline thing. Both of them." Belatedly, Chisame realized how foolishly she had tempted fate, but it was too late to go back on it. "Anyway, like my life can be normal at all with you two around. But going back to the problem here, why would Chao do such a thing?"

"How much do we know about her?" the ermine asked. "We have no idea who her relatives are, or how she got her money."

"I understand she's an exchange student from China, just like Fei," Chisame shrugged. "It's no wonder her parents can't come here."

Chamo waved a stubby finger. "I keep track of the backgrounds of all potential partners for Negi-Bro, and after a bit of deep research, I found, while Ku-chan's family is legit, Chao's relatives are all fake!"

Chisame was too startled by the startling revelation to mind too much about Chamo's blatant privacy violation. "No way! You DID THE RESEARCH? Unbelievable!"

"Are you sure, Chamo?" Negi swallowed hard.

"Yep!" the familiar nodded. "Don't you think it's strange? How has she amassed her small fortune? I bet she's in cahoots with those misfits from the Kansai association Gramps warned us about! When someone is that smart, athletic and hot, she must be hiding a dark and hideous secret!"

Negi's eyes had turned into spirals. "That... That can't be! There must be a logical explanation... Chao-san can't be an enemy agent!"

Chamo pointed at his own nose. "My intuition and magical smell never fail! I can feel something dark and sinister about that girl! She's destined to become your enemy, I'm very sure of it!"

"Since when did you have 'magical smell'?" Chisame crossed her arms and sighed. "If you're so worried about it, why don't you—"

"I'll ask Erebus-san! That's it!" Negi bolted up. "I'm sure he can tell me if Chao-san is trustworthy or not!"

He ran for the door, but stopped when Hasegawa grabbed him by a shoulder. "Chisame-san?"

She spoke very seriously. "If you're involved in a mess again, use the cards to call me to your side, okay? Most of us are too drunk, true, but I'm still able to help you, and if it's too big for us, we also can contact Chachamaru and 'those guys'."

Negi nodded, moved by her offer, eyes gigantic. "Thank you, Chisame-san..."

She released his shoulder. "Now go, and good luck."

"Yes!" With renewed vigor, he ran out, Chamo in tow, racing past a returning Yuuna and Akira. "Good night, girls!"

"Oh, good night, sensei," Akira waved at him.

"Where's he going to in such a hurry?" Akashi asked Hasegawa.

"The toilet," Chisame returned to her standard dry tone. "Now, let's settle some rules for sleeping here, okay?" the group leader instructed. "If any of you see Tsunetsuki sneaking into my futon while I'm asleep, you'll hit her in the head with this frying pan here." She held up a battered frying pan with several Matoi's-head-shaped dents on it. "If I'm called out for an emergency and am gone for several hours, don't worry, that's perfectly normal, and no, I can't explain it. If Hakase rolls into my futon, she may do so, it's just normal for her, and there's absolutely nothing gay about it at all..."

Hakase rolled around mumbling, reached up for Chisame's waist, and tried to pull her down to herself.

Chisame's eyebrows quivered. "Not gay in the least, I repeat..." she reassured both Sport Girls.

Akira and Yuuna shared a brief perplexed gaze.

...

"And…. done!" AngelGARd declared as she slapped the protective ofuda onto the door. "This won't keep out determined intruders, but it'll discourage random people and inn staff popping in to check on us."

"About time," Twilight Red said, stretching in her natural form, though her hair was still dyed blonde. "Using age-change pastilles for that long feels kinda weird."

"I didn't notice anything," Calculator said, for once not tapping away on some computer or other but enjoying a massage from one of her maids.

"That's because you were in loli form practically the whole trip through Mundus Magicus," Deathnote pointed out as she and the other librarians began to chow down on the staple foods of class trips: instant noodles, canned sausages and Chachamaru tea. "I swear you've developed a loli fetish."

"That's completely unfounded!" Chisame retorted.

"I've seen the pictures on Chiu's hompage, Chisame," Haruna smirked. "You and loli-you? Self-cest much?"

"Don't think about it!" Asuna snapped.

Everyone stared at her.

"Oh, sorry. I thought Negi was in the room." She frowned. "Where is he, anyway?"

"Rooming with his fiancée," Haruna drawled, chuckling evilly. "Oh, the money I'll make off those scenes in a doujin… the sales from the Senshi alone…!"

Yue poked her with her chopsticks. "Only you would want to sully our own reputations with those things. I'm surprised Superman-sama still talks to you after you did that one about him and Clark Kent."

"Hey, not my fault if Supergirl can't hide her own yaoi manga," Haruna said primly.

...

Interlude: Joker Again.

After learning Urobushi had been put into a protection program because a lot of pissed off people wanted to kill him for a certain Magical Girl anime, he decided to see if— gasp!— he could find something fun to do without killing anyone, or at least not where it would be noticed. And maybe find some porn for Quarty and Ruri.

Ruri sniffed. "Idiot. The internet is ninety percent porn."

Then he was approached by a very pretty, tall and lively young girl, rather busty, with long, light brown hair and a nice, warm smile. "Excuse me!" the girl said.

The pale foreigner looked at her with some casual interest, pushing the hat obscuring his face up just a bit, enough for his sharp green eyes to focus on her, now fully visible. "Yes...?"

The girl held up a stuffed animal resembling a badly scorched lion with its guts hanging out. "Our company is promoting the new Zōmotsu Animal toyline with free samples for people who looks like they could appreciate the value of true entertainment! And you look like one of such unique people!"

He chuckled, amused at the strange sudden appearance. He liked something about the girl. Exactly what, he couldn't put his finger into it, but...

"Well, thanks for the kind words, cutie!" he chirped, yellowed teeth flashing a dangerous grin. He gave the doll a better look. "Very pretty thingy, as well! Avant garde, tres chic, and the attention to detail is lovely". He tugged at the hanging guts with a single playful finger. "Just like a real gutted lion!"

"His name is Burnt Alive Lion!" the young woman said, still just as happily. "You'll give him a good home, won't you?"

"Oh, there's always a room for someone with his guts out at my home!" the man joked.

"Tee hee hee!" she giggled. "Oh, you Americans are so funny!"

"Is my accent that obvious?"

She put a finger over her dainty pink mouth and guessed, "Star City area, right?"

A chuckle. "Gotham, actually."

"Oh, Gotham! Silly me!" she knocked a fist down on her own head and poked the tip of her tongue out. "Oh, just look at the time! Gotta go! Bye-bye!" she ran away clumsily, the bag full of dolls she was carrying swinging from her right arm.

The man looked at her go and smiled almost fondly under the flesh colored makeup he had put on before leaving Cinema Town. Then he decided to call it night and headed back for their flophouse, tucking the doll into one of his pockets. He liked the little horrible thing.

He took a deep breath of the cold nocturnal Kyoto air. He was already growing fond of Japan.

...

On the Issue of Chao Lingshen.

Negi Springfield, currently masquerading, to his shame and mortification, as Nelly Springfield, was wondering who thought it was a good idea for Nelly to room with her cousin Negi. After all, given how 3-A had chattered about it, even the other teachers and chaperones now knew they were supposedly fiancé and fiancée, and yet they still let them stay in the same room together. He was pretty sure you weren't supposed to do that. He was a bit sketchy as to how or why, but he distinctly remembered Tracer-kun's teacher Taiga (quite a memorable woman, very loud) mentioning it when they'd been invited to Medea-san's wedding. Something about pre-marital something-something.

As he carefully put away his suit in preparation for sleep after slipping into the rather frilly pink pajamas he'd been saddled with, there was a knock on the door. Quickly, he looked himself over, satisfied and sorta depressed his disguise was in place. "Come in," he said, femininely.

The door slid open, and the younger him walked in, still in his suit. Negi breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, it's you," he said, closer to his usual voice. There wasn't much of a difference. "Are you hungry? Chachamaru-san sent over some tea and some sweets she said the master didn't want because they were taking up too much space in her bags."

"I'd love some," the other Negi said, and Erebus poured some for him.

"Candy!" Chamo cheered as he unwrapped one of the sweets.

As the two sipped companionably, the younger asked, "I need to ask you something, Negi-san."

Negi-san raised an eyebrow. "What about?" he asked cautiously.

The younger squirmed uncomfortably. "It's not that I'm suspicious of anyone or anything…"

Negi stared at himself from the outside, slightly morbidly fascinated. Am I REALLY that bad a liar?

"…It's just that, well, things have come up, and I'm worried for my students' safety…" the younger continued to hedge.

Negi sipped tea, nodding to keep the conversation moving.

"… I wouldn't ask you otherwise… I mean, you've all made it obvious that our worlds are different, not even considering that you technically come from the future…" the younger hedged.

Chamo facepalmed. "We need to know everything you know about Chao Lingshen!" the ermine cried.

Negi took a sip of tea and was immensely proud of himself for not choking, twitching, sweating wildly, or randomly blurting out suspiciously specific denials. The past year of dealing with politicians on the terraforming project– which had been complicated by the sudden reawakening of the remnants of the long-dead Queen Beryl's experimental 'Imperium' infiltration troops and their assault on Earth– had apparently taught him more than he'd realized. "What exactly do you want to know?"

"Everything!" Chamo declared. "You can level with us, Erebus-Bro! Chao's actually some kind of supercriminal bent on conquering the world in your universe, isn't she? Like Lex Luthor, only with a hot ass!"

"Chamo!" the younger Negi said, scandalized at the accusation.

"It makes sense! How else could she be so filthy stinking rich!" Chamo said. "She must have all sorts of black market contacts! She's probably the head of all the Yakuza in Mahora! She's totally an enemy, right Erebus-Bro?"

"Nope," Negi said.

"Aha!" Chamo said. "I knew it! She's totally evil and we should… wait, what now?"

"Chao-san was a very complicated person," Negi said carefully. "And I really can't speak for what her motivations may have been, since we never really talked all that much, or what they might be in this world. But out of everyone in the class, she's the person least likely to wish you any sort of ill. I can say that much."

The younger Negi frowned. "'Was'?"

Negi nodded. "She is… no longer with us in my world," he said wistfully.

The younger Negi paled. "N-no longer…"

"She went back home," Negi assured him hastily. "Not… the other thing. I can't say for sure, since we've lost touch, but when we saw her off, she was healthy and happy."

The younger Negi sighed in relief.

Chamo frowned. "Still, how come she's so rich? I mean, Iinchou's rich too, and so is Chizuru-san–"

"She is?" the younger Negi asked in surprise. Negi nodded.

"– and Makie's mothers make decent money–"

The older Negi boggled at that. "Makie's mothers?"

"– and I hear Haruna-nee's got some kind of rich aunt or something, and of course Konoka-san's grandpa is the Headmaster, but there's no explanation for why Chao is so loaded!" Chamo finished.

"That's no big secret, Chamo-kun," Negi said. "Chao-san is the primary investor for Chao Bao Zhi, even though Satsuki-san is the owner. You've seen how well they earn. Chao's also been shrewdly investing her money over the last two years, allowing her to make an even larger profit. It's all hard work on Chao-san's part."

"Well, what about her non-existent parents?" Chamo demanded, playing his trump card. "I've checked her records, Erebus-Bro. Her 'relatives' and home address are all fake!"

Negi was silent for a moment. "How much do you know about Mundus Magicus, Chamo-kun?"

The Ermine blinked. "What's that got to do with anything?"

The younger Negi's face brightened in comprehension. "Oh! She's from the Magical World, isn't she? That's why she has partially falsified records! She was never born on Earth, so her birth certificate, legal records and such would be useless."

Negi nodded. "Indeed. You've hit it all exactly, mou hitori no boku. All of Chao' apparent inconsistencies can be explained away if you take into account that she's from Mundus Magicus. Everything about Chao, actually, revolves around that fact."

Chamo frowned, but couldn't fault the logic as the younger Negi sighed in relief. "Oh, I'm so relieved. I knew there was a good explanation for everything. Thank you, Negi-san. You've put my mind at ease."

Negi managed to keep the twinge of guilt off his face. "No problem," he said. "By the way, have you tried the baths around here yet?"

The younger Negi blinked at the abrupt change in subject. "The baths?" he said, slightly distastefully.

Negi leaned over conspiratorially. "They're all hot springs baths… and it's not like you actually have to bring soap with you…"

The younger Negi brightened at the thought, and they shared the mischievous chuckle of boys doing something their mothers– or in their cases, mother figures who will someday lead to a really complicated and rather Freudian complex that's going to take a lot of therapy to fix– would disapprove of.

"That sounds like a good idea, Negi-san." the younger Negi said, beginning to get changed and fetching a robe. "Wanna join me Chamo?"

"Huh? Oh, sure…" Chamo said, still a bit distracted and frowning.

As they left for the baths, Negi let out a sigh and sipped his tea contentedly. It was turning out to be a perfectly normal, peaceful night. The sight-seeing, the inn, the springs, the quiet… honestly, it was like being on vacation…

He froze as a Green Lantern-chan-sounding voice bubbled up from the depths of memory.

There is no such thing as a vacation for a superhero OR a magical girl, came Green Lantern's voice. We're going to run into something here, and there'll be a fight, and there goes your vacation…

And then there'd been the thing Superman had called the Vacation Law…

Wordlessly, Negi put on his wand-ring, tucked his Pactio Cards into his robes, kept his mask in his pocket, and determinedly returned to enjoying his tea…

Idly, he wondered what his Chamo was doing…

...

Suzushiro Haruka blinked at the rodent in her bag, one of her panties in its mouth and screamed

As the other Chamo made a run for it, panties in tow, he reflected this would probably not be good for the inn's star-rating…

...

On the Issue of Konoe Konoka.

Konoka whistled pleasantly to herself as she undressed for bed. Haruna had snuck out with Nodoka and Yue in reluctant tow to get some nighttime reference shots of Kyoto. Asuna had gone to check on the other Asuna— the two had become quite close in the process of wailing on each other for training— and Setsuna had gone to check on Tsunetsuki-san. Konoka supposed the girl was likeable enough when she wasn't proclaiming her love for this world's Chisame from the rooftops, but she wasn't sure she liked her influence on Setsuna. Konoka was the quirky one in this relationship!

…

On the other hand, the idea of Setsuna secretly taking pictures of her…

Shaking her head, Konoka continued getting changed. Yawning, she looked around for her bottle of water, but frowned in disappointment to find it empty. Darn. She supposed she'd have to get another one from the vending machine. Darn it, she should have asked Chisame to get her some when the hacker had left to go to the toilets.

She frowned. She really didn't feel like taking age-change pills again just to get some water. Rifling through her back, she drew a set of disguise glasses, flicking them open with a practiced motion as she slid the door open.

The woman on the other side of the door was just putting the giant monkey-head part of her costume on as Konoka opened the door, making the woman turn in surprise.

Konoe Konoka and Amagasaki Chigusa stared at each other, the glasses dangling halfway up from Konoka's hand. The older woman blinked in surprise. For a moment, they just stared at each other. Konoka felt her surprise showing on her face, just as Amagasaki's was, and saw the woman registering the surprised, the dark comprehension setting in…

Konoka slammed the door in her face, darting back as she reached into her sleeve, drawing out her wand. She cursed, having aimed for Setsuna's Card, be she didn't drop the wand, instead leveling it at the door. "Set-chan Alba Curaga Set-chan Amora Justi–" she began casting.

The sliding door burst apart in a spray of paper and splinters, its crack sounding strangely echoey. A spell to contain the sound, Konoka realized as she threw up a hand to protect her eyes. "LUX!" she cast back, pouring power into the spell.

A silent, brilliant burst of light erupted from the wand's tip, and Amagasaki let out a yelp as she was abruptly blinded. Konoka threw her wand in her face. None of the combat spells– either of them– would be of any use in such an enclosed space, especially in a wood and paper building. Still, that didn't mean she was helpless. She was, after all, a librarian, even if people tended to forget that. She dove for her blanket on the floor, finding the end and with several practiced flicks of her wrist twisting it into a rat tail. Flicking it like a whip, she snagged the older woman's leg and heaved.

Amagasaki yelled as she dropped to the floor on her ass, and Konoka spun as she had in practice, aiming a kick as Amagasaki's head. The huge monkey headpiece absorbed the blow however, and Konoka immediately changed tack, flicking the blanket still partly wrapped around one of the woman's legs looping it once around her neck. Amagasaki had time to look wide-eyed in shock before Konoka tugged, cutting off the woman's air with her makeshift strangling cord. Amagasaki gasped, trying to stand up on her one free leg, but Konoka was easily able to kick that out from under her. If she could keep this up, the woman would fall unconscious and then…

Konoka never saw the wave of monkeys that slammed into her from behind…

...

Negi and Chao.

"Ahhh..." for once, Negi was happy to be taking a bath. The warm water relaxed his tense body and washed his worries away. The fact no one was rubbing his scalp with shampoo which got in his eyes, or soaping his crotch, helped. It was only him, sitting in the springs, with Chamo on his right shoulder. "Paradise, paradise..."

"Huh?" the ermine said.

"I understand that's what you're supposed to say in these situations," Negi answered.

"Oh. I dunno, it isn't a paradise if there aren't bathing girls as well. Talking about girls, by the way, still unconvinced about the evil genius, Bro?" Chamo needled him.

"Let it go, Chamo," the boy requested. "We have absolutely no solid proof against her."

"But Erebus-Bro's words didn't exactly deny there wasn't anything wrong about her, right? If you ask me, he sounded like he was hiding something," the critter insisted.

"You're reading too much into it."

"No, I'm not! Satomi-nee told you once Chao could use magic, right?"

"She hinted at that, but I never thought it was wise to press the subject," Negi scratched his chin.

"You should have!" Chamo chided. "Now, we have no idea of how good a mage is she, but we saw she's as formidable in hand to hand combat as they come. She could beat you silly before you get to hit her or call on a partner."

"Hey!" Negi said indignantly. "Did you miss all the fast-casting training I've been having?"

"Oh, right. Sorry. Maybe one shot…"

"HEY!"

"Sorry."

A beat.

"It certainly would be a problem if I had to fight her..." Negi pondered.

They spent a long while in contemplative silence under the starry sky, until they heard soft chattering from the women's side. Chamo's ears perked up, naturally. "Who could it be so late? Shizuna-sensei finished long ago, and all girls should be in bed by now..."

"Maybe it's only the staff doing some late cleaning," Negi opined. He stepped out of the water. "Come to think about it, we should be leaving too..."

"No, I think I recognize those voices!" Chamo hopped to the wall of rocks separating both halves.

"Chamo, come back here!" Negi urged with a hiss, rushing after him. "I've told you to stop doing that!"

But the ermine was already peeking over the rocks, his flesh noticeably pale even under the white fur. His small mouth hung open, and the shock was enough to make Negi forget he wasn't supposed to look either. He followed Chamo's gaze down at the female side, and he gasped upon seeing...

Kuga Natsuki, the biker girl who had helped Negi, Chisame and Asuna the day Asuna got her Pactio. Renegade truant and delinquent, wearing a black rider's fullbody suit and a jacket over it was standing on the edge of the women's bath. She was talking to Chao, who had her arms crossed on the pool's edge, lying on her stomach, her smooth bare back and perky, small, firm butt exposed for Negi and Chamo to see even under the clear, shallow water, lit by the silvery moonlight. Chamo's nose exploded in a fountain of blood.

Negi gawked, averting his gaze and sweating, heart beating faster as the old mark on his neck began aching again. He should get it examined one of these days.

"I'm staying in the inn across the street," Natsuki was saying in a low voice Negi had problems hearing. "I'm still supposed to look after your teacher, right?"

"Right," Chao said back, in the same tone. Even, professional, very unlike her routine self. "But always from afar. Never interfere unless absolutely needed, and with that, I mean his life, and everyone around him, is in dire danger."

"Bro, that's the girl who hates all mages!" Chamo whispered into his ear, forcing him to look back down. Negi tried to keep his gaze only on Kuga. Really. Come on, this is NEGI, remember! "So what's she doing talking with a mage? This must be a conspiracy from the inside! A betrayal in the system!"

Negi put a hand over the ermine's mouth and continued listening.

"In trade, here you are. All the data I gathered on the local branch of the First District." Chao gave Natsuki a small disc she took from her nearby discarded clothes. "But be very careful. The Kyoto First District has strong links to the Washimine family."

"The Washimine family?" Negi wondered. "Who are those?"

"Yakuza!" Chamo hissed from between his fingers. "I saw them in them news! This keeps on getting even worse!"

"The Japanese Mafia?" Negi gulped. "I can't believe one of my students is involved with that world..."

"Got it. I can look after myself." Natsuki pocketed the disc into her leather jacket. "Don't worry about the kid. I'll make sure he makes it out of here unharmed."

"Believe me, I know he will, but it always pays to have a little insurance on the side," Chao returned to a more playful tone, splashing the water next to her with a hand. "In the meanwhile, why don't you join me here, Natchan? The water's just delicious!"

"No, thanks," the young biker huffed, turning around for the door. "I have better things to do."

"Aw, that's a real pity. Good night!" She waved her off, giggling a little, but her giggles stopped as soon as Kuga had left. She stood up, giving Negi an even fuller sight of her body and making him gulp. She'd better leave immediately, she told herself. Negi's little incident with Setsuna would be happening any moment now...

Then, too shocked to have his full attention, a panicking Negi tried to go back down to his side, only to slip on the rocks, losing his balance and stumbling headlong into the water of the women's side. A yelping Chamo fell in right behind him, making a smaller splash.

Chao turned around, eyes wide, instinctively falling into a fighting stance. "Who's there?-!"

Then she saw two pairs of small bright eyes in the darkness, rising from the water.

Great, some of Amagasaki's monkeys had wandered off into her bath. She would have to shoo them...

Chao charged. "Aiiiiia!-!-!"

Negi and Chamo let out twin shrieks of terror. In Chao's defense, they did sound a lot like scared monkeys.

Negi ducked into the water, holding his breath, as Chao ran practically over him, stifling a curse to herself while feeling the 'monkey' trying to escape between her legs. Normally, she would have allowed the animal to go, but after today's train incident, she knew Chigusa's pets were more dangerous in this iteration than ever before. No way she'd let it go to possibly run into any of her weaker classmates.

She raced after the small humanoid form, noticing, for a monkey, it was rather big in size. Probably another augmented chimpanzee! Who knows this one might be a cyborg monkey with laser eyes!

Negi, meanwhile, ran like hell, trying to stick to the shadows, hoping to find some way out and fast. It took him a few frantic seconds of that to notice Chamo was missing. Where had he gone to? Instinctively fearing for him, Negi paused his run very briefly, but enough for Chao to jump at him from the darkness, reaching over with a bare foot and connecting a solid kick against his face, which sent him flying to the other side of the women's bath. "ERK!"

Hm, Chao told herself. It sounded almost human, too. She tried to reach for a nearby torch to toss some light on the beast, but it ran away before she could do it. Clever little thing, as well; although obviously panicky, it was slippery and hid itself in the shadows well. Still, she could easily track it by the sounds of his splashing in the water.

Negi breathed hard, sweating copiously. Okay. He had tried to avoid a direct confrontation, but he saw no choice now. He had literally ran against a wall, and he couldn't run to either side without placing himself into Chao's direct line of sight, making him a perfect target. To have a fighting chance, he would need magic. He had left his wand in his pants at the other side, but he could call on his staff from here.

"MEA—!" he began, but the shout gave away his exact location, and he found a naked blur moving on top of him. A small, surprisingly strong hand grabbed him by the throat and slammed him against the wall.

It was only then Chao realized that final word had been, well, an actual word. And now she found herself staring at two terrified, huge and wet brown eyes.

Ah.

Funny.

Normally, this happened to Setsuna...

"Can't... breathe..." Negi choked.

"Sensei..." she said, loosening the offending hand before it caused a self-destroying temporal paradox. Well, at least she hadn't done what Setsuna always did and touched his...

"..."

Well, the less divergences to the timeline, the better, after all...

"Ah!" Negi gasped then with a full body shiver.

Chao quickly pulled the other hand back, looking back and feigning innocence. "Sorry! My hand slipped!"

Negi whimpered, his face bright crimson, covering his crotch with both hands as Chao looked away innocently. "You... You touched me down there..."

"I told you. Accident-ne?"

"B-B-But—!"

"Don't complain. I could have, I don't know, squeezed tightly thinking you were a pervert spying on me, or something like that," Chao said, playing along.

Somewhere, Sakurazaki 'AngelGARd' Setsuna sneezed.

"I-I-I'd never—!"

"Oh, yes?" the eccentric genius said, all the while frantically wondering where was Setsuna now. "Then what were you doing here, Negi-bouzou?"

"I... I was taking a bath in our own side, and then...! And then...!" he heatedly wheezed, debating inwardly if he should tell her or not about...

Then Chamo popped out from behind a rock to say it himself, an accusing paw pointed straight at the girl. "WE SAW AND HEARD EVERYTHING! YOU WERE CONSPIRING WITH CRIMINALS TO DESTROY THE MAGES!"

Chao blinked a few times, doing her damn best to look bewildered. As a Springfield, it came naturally to her. "Negi-bouzou...! Your... your weasel is talking!"

"Hah! I know you're too smart to know I'm not a weasel!" Chamo laughed with no humor. "Stop playing the fool, Lingshen! We know you're a mage!"

Chao sighed, rubbing her forehead with two fingers. This timeline was a total dud. Maybe she should try a premature rest jump after all. "Fine. Okay, so maybe I know a few things about magic. That's no reason to accuse me of high treason!"

"What about that discussion with that Kuga girl?" Chamo pressed on.

"What about her? Can't I have friends from outside the class?" she retorted.

"You were conspiring together!" the ermine insisted.

"Was not!" Chao huffed, finally bothering to wrap a towel around herself. Negi had been too busy muttering to himself about what an awful failure of an English gentleman he was to notice it had taken her that long but he definitely noticed when Chao put another towel in his hands. "Here. Not that I mind the view, but you could catch a cold..."

He yelped and covered himself very fast.

Chao chuckled. "You truly are still only a child, Negi-bouzou..."

"Well, yeah, but I'm not as naive as him!" the ermine familiar continued. "If you weren't conspiring with that girl, what were you doing?"

"I'm an ally of Justice!" she said, a hand over her heart. "I'm only helping her to find those who wronged her so grievously!"

"Her... Her mother's killers?" Negi blinked.

Chao nodded solemnly.

Negi grew moved, despite Chamo's groan of incredulity. "Chao-san!Please forgive me for doubting you! I even spied on you! Tell me what can I do to help your noble cause!"

"Well, for starters, you could put on some pants..." Chao began.

But then a loud, anguished scream tore through the night.

"That's Konoka-san!" Negi cried, recognizing the source immediately. Chao cursed silently.

A flop of epic proportions, this timeline. The only one that she could remember being just as bad was the one where Eva bit everyone and made them sparkle in sunlight...

...

Legends of the Dark Knight.

The current inhabitant of Room 52 in the Inn was getting prepared for a night out in town.

He adjusted his belt, which made a loud metallic clicking sound while being secured in place.

He pulled a black cowl over his head.

He stood on his window's edge, pulling out his grappling gun and aiming it at a building at the other side of the street– forget that fact he was only on the second floor. This was how he did things, damn it! Tonight, he would find Joker for sure and drag his demented, sick, vile and sorely beaten near-carcass back to Gotham, to rot in Arkham forever, for good this time, never to escape ever again to hurt the innocent...

Yes. Despite everything, Bruce Wayne was a hopeless optimist deep down.

Right when he was about to shoot, he heard a female shriek coming from a lower story. A local, judging from her intonation. Most likely around fourteen. Truly panicked. He seemed to recognize her voice from the group carrying the drunk girls earlier that day. The chatty one with black hair, most likely.

He exhaled a brief frustrated sigh. Joker would have to wait.

The dark caped figure swung down from the window, and tossed himself through a lower window of the Inn, feet first.

...

Interlude: Natsuki.

Natsuki fell on her back onto the bed of her room in the inn. It was amazing, how Chao's contacts had gotten her a room of her own without anyone asking any questions about her age or her lack of guardians. That troubled her, actually.

She knew almost nothing solid about the girl who had recruited her one random day a year ago, claiming to have an interest in being 'her benefactor'. At first, Natsuki had thought she was only another eccentric admirer and played along. Self-proclaimed geniuses were often weird like that.

But as time passed, Chao Lingshen grew to be more and more of an enigma, almost as big as the death of Natsuki's mother. Why was she apparently so interested in helping her? Was she playing her for a fool? Was her interest in the kid teacher only a crush, or was there something deeper about it?

Natsuki wasn't any closer to the answers yet. That angered her.

A lot.

Still, what could she do about it for now? Nothing, that's what. The little weirdo called the shots until further notice.

Natsuki covered her face with an arm and closed her eyes, trying to get some much needed sleep.

So naturally, after a few minutes of troubled dreams, involving Shizuru, that Chizuru girl, her freckled roommate, Orihime-san, her also named Chizuru classmate and a disturbing amount of onion leeks, her cellphone rang.

Despite her exhaustion, the girl was actually grateful to be awakened. That had been to disturbingly erotic. She picked up the phone. "Hello?"

A distorted voice, thick and gruff, answered. "I want to meet with you. We have some information you want."

Natsuki curved her thin eyebrows.

...

You Shouldn't be Looking There, Negi-kun.

"Mea Virga!" Negi summoned his staff to his hand quickly, before running in the scream's direction. "Konoka-san! Are you okay?-!"

Chao blinked as she saw him leaving, even forgetting to pick up Chamo. Or put on some clothes, for that matter. Briefly, she pondered just turning around and going back to her room, lest the sequence of events grow even messier. Surely Setsuna would show up at any moment now to help Negi. There was no need for Chao herself to follow him, after all.

Konoka would be okay! Nothing bad ever happened to her so early in the continuum!

Well, except for that one time in Loop 48...

... and Loop 187. Ugh, that one had been messy.

And Loop 300...

Oh, and that one with Fran Madaraki…

And that one with all those contracts with Kyubey…

Chao sighed and ran after Negi. "Sensei! Wait for me!"

Honestly, she told herself, she was way too soft-hearted for a mad scientist... Damned Springfield DNA…

She caught up to him very soon, as they both stormed into an inside hallway. They burst in together, shouting in perfect unison, "Konoka-san! Are you—?-!"

And then a blur slammed into them from behind, seemingly not even noticing their presence until it stumbled into them, also shouting at the top of its lungs. "KONOKA OJOU-SAMA!"

All three of them, quite naturally, collapsed into a mess of tangled limbs on the wooden floor. Two towels flew up before falling away with twin floppy sounds.

An angry Sakurazaki Setsuna recovered first. She lifted her seething red face, propelling herself up on her unsheathed sword. "You two! Get out of my wa—!" She broke with a strangled squeak.

The white bathrobe tied with a cloth belt she was wearing loosened a bit.

Chao blinked several times from her now-sitting position, looking at Setsuna's suddenly embarrassed face and wondering why—

Oh. Oh, no.

She looked down, to see how Negi's face was stuck between her legs, his eyes as wide as discs. "P-Pink..." he gurgled, staring straight into the sight he had just been forcefully offered. "S-so... Pink..."

In a distant, decadent place, a Negi Springfield sneezed. His mother didn't find it a mood-breaker…

"GAH!" Chao backed away as fast as he could, recovering her towel. She couldn't help turning to Setsuna and barking to her face. "Where were you?-!"

All the answers a recovered Setsuna would have given were pushed aside as the swordsgirl ran past her and Negi, going deeper into the darkened hall. Negi himself stood back as well, clumsily tying his towel back on. "S-S-Sorry!" he apologized to Chao before dashing after Setsuna. "Sakurazaki-san, wait!"

Chao grumbled to herself, rubbed her hair with a hand and began walking in the opposite direction. Well, Setsuna was there now, and surely Asuna would show up shortly as well. They could take it from then on. Not like they'd need her help. It was unlikely Chigusa herself would show up yet, much less with any reinforcements, and even so...

Then Konoka screamed again.

Chao breathed in and out, slammed a hand on her face, and spun back on her bare heels, following Negi and Setsuna's trail while cursing her genial soft heart.

Honestly, not befitting a mad scientist at all...! Damned Springfield 'Honor Before Reason' genes!-!-!-!-!

...

Chigusa vs. Batman.

The dark cowled figure moved swift and silently through the halls of the Inn, his long black cape flowing behind him.

Diminutive monkeys scurried away in all directions, making threatening sounds at him, yet keeping their distance. Occasionally, one of them would jump on him and try to bite through his suit, but a quick backhand would dispatch them easily enough.

Finally, he saw three cleaning ladies walking in the same direction as him, with their backs turned to him. There was something unnatural about their mostly normal steps, he decided. A vaguely stilted spring to their feet's motions. "Excuse me..." he spoke in Japanese.

"Go back to your room, please," one of them said, none of them looking back.

"I just heard a scream," he said. His right hand reached for a Batarang in his belt.

"Everything is under control," another woman said.

"We only had a little accident," the third one added.

"Go back to your room, please," the gray haired one repeated.

He could see it now as he walked closer. They all had small chips attached to their hair bands.

"Tetch," the Batman growled.

That made all three women turn around at once, with haunted, wide eyed expressions fixed on their faces. "The Jabberwocky!" they chorused, before lunging forward like feverish beasts, swinging their brooms at him.

Disarm with minimal contact. Knock out with minimal damage. What ensued was not a fight. It barely lasted a few moments. The man in the bat suit brought the women down in quick succession, knocking them out with precise strikes to key points, making sure they would only wake up after a few hours with minor bruises. They were puppets only meant to delay, and although they couldn't buy more than seconds, maybe that was all they needed.

The monkeys came next. After the women were down, they turned more aggressive, jumping on him from all directions. Almost swarming on him, coming everywhere, biting cruelly. He didn't hold himself back so much now. Especially after noticing his punches broke them in half, literally, turning them into shreds of paper floating down harmlessly. Interesting trick, certainly. Perhaps the work from that Abra Kadabra criminal from Central City...

Moments later, what was left of a sliding paper door fell off its track, monkeys sent flying back in all directions squealing and waving their limbs. The Batman stormed into the room the scream seemed to have come from, stopping with his fists ready before the tall figure standing next to the large window.

Small pieces of a kimono and female underwear ripped to rags as well as a few random knick-knacks littered the floor, a few monkeys chewing on them. On top of the mess, an imposing, even if horribly goofy looking, tall form in a giant brown monkey costume stood, with a naked and unconscious young woman with long black hair in its arms.

"Ah. The Batman from Gotham City," the person in the costume spoke, with a refined, cultured, sensual voice and a thick Kyoto accent. "A bit far from your usual stomping grounds, I'd have believed. Have you come here only for us? I must admit I feel mildly flattered. People do talk highly about you."

"Put the girl down…" he ordered.

The kidnapper's laugh was slow and measured, as she lifted her head up, allowing him a glimpse of the face peeking out of the giant monkey mouth. It was a beautiful, pale face with big round glasses.

"You are out of your element here, little man," she said. "Go back immediately and we'll forget this unfortunate encounter ever took place.

"Last warning," the Dark Knight said. "Let her go. No tricks."

"No tricks? I'm sorry, but that's what my whole life is about. Here, let me show you," she extended an arm forward, keeping the naked girl firmly embraced against herself with the other.

An actual fight ensued.

...

Generation Gap.

"Stop following me," Setsuna growled.

"No, you go back to your room and leave this to me!" Negi insisted, trying to catch up with her and then leave her behind, to little success. "I'm the teacher here, and it's my duty to protect you all!"

Chao sighed to herself while running after them. No matter what else changed, his Chronic Hero Syndrome never did. Even that time hecwas the consort of the evil queen Chiu of the evil empire! Why, God, why?

"It's your duty to protect everyone else! Protecting Konoka Ojou-sama is mine!" Setsuna hissed.

Chao asked what would be expected from her role. "Whoo-hoo! What's with the 'Ojou-sama' treatment now-yo?" she teased.

"That's no business of yours!" Setsuna said. "Now just go—" she screeched to a halt, frowning as two big men stood in their way. Managers for the inn.

"Please go back to your rooms," one of them said.

"Running through the halls so late is forbidden. You're also breaking our dress code," the second one said. Chao scowled, looking at their heads. They had strange colored bands around them.

"S-Sorry," Negi replied. "But we heard one of our friends scream..."

"That has been taken care of," the first man said.

"Your friend slipped in the toilet. She has been carried back safely to her room," his partner added.

"We want to see her," Setsuna demanded.

"No."

"Go back to your rooms."

Setsuna breathed in, then ran between them, pushing them aside. The men roared and tried to reach for her, but Chao jumped on them from behind and nocked them out with twin strikes to the backs of their necks.

"Chao-san!" Negi gasped. "You'll get us in serious trouble with that!"

Chao sighed, taking one of the bands off its bearer's head and holding it up for Negi to see. "Sensei, this has a mind control chip attached here. We've done animal experimenting with this in the labs..."

Negi facepalmed. "I told Satomi-san not to bring her work here...!"

Chao sweatdropped. "I don't think this is Satomi-chan's handwork, Sensei. She'd have gone for something far more destructive..." she said, with a perfectly straight face.

"You're right," Negi nodded with the same kind of face. They actually looked related right then. "Well, you should take Sakurazaki-san's advice and leave! Whoever is behind this, I'll—"

"Why don't you call for help?" she asked him.

"NO! I can't endanger..."

Then his face sunk down, as he remembered Twilight Red's stern advice. "I can't put them at risk... but..."

Chao's head tilted aside. "Who?"

"Chao-san, I must admit something, now I know your secret as well. I have made Pactios with a few other students...!"

"Don't tell me...!" she feigned surprise.

"Yes. I'm the worst... I've dragged them into..."

Again, the memory of Twilight Red's lecture kicked his brain from the inside.

"What?" Chao asked.

"N-nothing," he said.

Chao smiled and held his face between her hands. "Want another Pactio partner? Can't do it with the ones you have?" she pouted her mouth playfully.

"N-NO!" he backed away. Just as expected, but somehow, Chao still felt a bit of pain at being turned down so quickly. What was wrong with her? It was like she was some kind of decadent, incestous pervert.

In a distant, decadent place, nearly everyone by Saotome Haruna, Tsunetsuki Matoi and those Ala Iridia Weirdoes sneezed…

Hiding it, she smiled again. "Well, why don't you call them now?"

"B-B-But..."

"I swear I'll keep your secret," she held up a hand. While crossing her other hand's fingers behind her back. "There's no bigger emergency than saving a classmate's life, is there? Don't hesitate! Each wasted moment could cost Konoka dearly!"

He gasped, terrified. "I-I'll do it immediately!" Then he noticed he had left his cards in his clothes, and gulped. "Or maybe not...!"

"Ahem," a voice coughed from his feet.

Negi saw Chamo had just arrived there, holding up Chisame, Asuna, Sakurako, Misa, Hakase and Misora's cards. Chao lifted an eyebrow as she saw the boy grabbing the Pactio cards, thanking the ermine profusely. "Thank you very much, Chamo! You think of everything!"

"It comes with the territory of a genre-savvy comedic animal sidekick Bro!"

Negi looked through the cards quickly. All of his girls but one surely weren't in any condition to fight yet. He was left with only one choice, other than dragging Ala Alba into it and risking a major incident.

I'm so sorry, Chisame-san.

He brought his first ever Pactio card to his forehead and whispered, "Telepathia."

...

Two Chisames, One Destiny.

Hasegawa Chisame, aka Chiu, aka, the Calculator, was pretty much resigned to her fate of being permanently unable to wash her hands of weirdness. Stupid robots who kept dragging her back in. Stupid Mage brats who didn't have enough common sense to fill a thimble. Stupid Magical Girls who had her number.

She'd learned to deal with it. Having nearly Chachamaru-grade robot maids to keep her from getting hurt certainly helped. And even though she wasn't privy to everyone's secret identity the way the Tomoeda trio did, she certainly knew enough to feel relatively important in the grand scheme of things. Being able to order some of the most powerful Magical Girls on the planet certainly helped too. And unlike some people, she had a highly attuned survival instinct she actually bothered to listen to.

So when she saw the first sign of monkeys in the hallway, she ducked into the nearest darkened room. Inside, the twins— Chisame twitched at how indecently intimate they were intertwined, especially considering what she'd seen on the way to Evangeline's a few days ago— and the cheerleaders, all drunk, passed out and happy, lay on their futons. Good. She drew her Pactio card and pressed it to her forehead. "Telepathia," she murmured softly. Sensei? You there?

After a moment, the reply came. Here, Chisame-san. What is it?

Do you know there are monkeys in the hallway?

A beat. So there are. I guess Amagasaki-san is making her move a night early.

Chisame put an ear to the door. How do you want to play this?

There was a thoughtful pause. Perhaps it would be best to let them handle this. After all, we managed to handle this, didn't we?

Sensei, the other you's most reliable backup is me, Chisame pointed out. And she's hardly a powerhouse. Think back and try to figure out how many times you'd have died if it weren't for Asuna's convenient Magic Cancel.

Oh come it, it wasn't that bad… well, maybe there were one or two times… okay, more than a few…. That time with the Master, certainly… uhm…

An even more thoughtful silence.

How am I not dead? Negi said, bewildered.

Now, Chisame pointed out, consider that all the other you's Ministra but the other me is drunk and can't wake up. Exactly how pivotal was Asuna's anti-magic to your first fight with Chigusa?

A very thoughtful silence.

I'll contact the others, Negi said. Have them surround the building and keep an eye on anything that happens. Can you call Kuro-san?

Will do. I'll stay where I am now, see if I can get my maids to you if you need them. Should we tell Evangeline-san?

They both paused and considered Evangeline's reaction to being bothered for such a 'trifling' matter. It involved ice spells and hell.

Let's let her sleep, they decided

...

Chisame woke up to the annoying feeling she had whenever her Pactio card was being used by Negi to call her. The buzzing at the back of her mind.

She opened her eyes, and looked under her pillow. She fished the card out and placed it against her forehead. Hello? she thought. This better be good.

I'm sorry, but no, it's bad! Very bad! Negi's voice told her, flashing into her mind. We've heard Konoka-san screaming, and the inn managers attacked us, and Chao-san... Uh, never mind that now, but—!

Wait, you're with CHAO now—?-! Chisame screamed through the telepathic link.

... Yes.

Facepalm. She has learned you're a mage.

... Yes.

Chisame's fingers squeezed her own face. You really like the idea of being an ermine, don't you?

I DON'T! Things keep escaping my control! Please, Chisame-san, come to help us! I'll transport—

NO! NO! I mean, wait! I'm in the room with the girls! They're all sleeping, but someone could see! I'll go outside, transform, and then give you the okay. Understood?

He sounded relieved. Thank you, Chisame-san.

The girl tried to stand back up, only to notice there was an arm wrapped around her. She cringed, seeing Matoi had rolled into her futon and was now clinging to her in a tight hug, hips humping randomly. At Tsunetsuki's other side, Yuuna slept uneasily with the frying pan in hand. So much for help...

Chisame carefully worked out of Matoi's grasp, quickly putting her pillow and a bundle of her blankets in a hastily made sort of dummy she stuffed into the stalker's arms. Matoi twitched, but after sinking her cheek against the pillow, she smiled, pleased with the soft smell she was feeling, relaxing back with a coo.

Satisfied with her own ingenuity, Chisame slipped out the door.

Only then Akira fully opened her eyes.

By now, she could sort of feel magic in the air whenever she was close to it. Artemis had said she had more sensitivity for it than Minako did, much to Minako's chagrin.

And she had just felt a strong pulse of magical energy coming from Chisame.

Now that had been a surprise.

A Super-Deformed Minako appeared in a thought balloon over her head. "Remember, Akira-chan! Anyone in the Academy, even your class, could be a servant of the Dark Agency in disguise! If I were you, I'd be worried about that Satsuki girl. No one can ever be that nice in real life..."

Akira didn't like the idea of distrusting her classmates, but the last few weeks had made her very willing to accept almost anything no matter how ludicrous it seemed. Well, except that Twilight might be a nice read. She was just more convinced it was an evil plot by the Dark Agency to drive the Earth insane.

And Chisame had always given her a few antisocial, dangerous vibes. She often looked like the kind of shut in with no friends who would take a knife and go into a rampage at nights...

Akira, naturally, tended to discard those notions as soon as they entered her mind. But now, keeping her eyes half-closed as she saw Chisame pressing a strange card against her forehead, and then leaving in a hurry, she couldn't help but wonder...

The swimmer got up, walking silently past the blissfully asleep Ako, Satomi, Yuuna and Matoi, and approached the door. She opened it only a tiny bit, peeking out. Chisame stood at the other end of the hall with her back turned to her, lifting the card up in her hand. "Adeat," the hacker whispered, and the dark hall was briefly lit by an intense light emanating from her.

Akira's eyes grew wide.

Chisame's clothes vanished for a moment, showing her bare, smooth back and butt before a frilly, fancy pink dress appeared on her. A heart shaped staff popped into her right hand. Then she touched her forehead with the card, muttered something, and vanished from sight in the spot.

Akira bit her tongue before it could form a yelp.

Then she made her mind up. Agent of Evil, rival Magical Girl or possible ally, she would have to find Chisame and have a serious talk with her. She walked out, closed the door behind herself, and said, "Mercury Power, Make Up!"

Once transformed, she wondered what to do next. She had no way of knowing where had Chisame gone. She only could wander through the Inn and hope Chisame hadn't left the building...

Then she heard a faint cry in the distance. It sounded a bit like... Konoka?

Well, that was as good a clue as any other. And if Konoka-san needed her, she'd be there for her...

Akira began running in the cry's direction.

...

A Return to Those Days.

Tsukuyomi was, despite her love for battle, a patient girl. She could bide her time and restrain herself as long as she had a clear reward at the end of the road. Otherwise, she'd never have made it far as an assassin. She'd gleefully jump into battle as soon as her objectives were reached, but she had enough self control to never botch a job before it was her time to strike.

This particular time, however, it was difficult for her to do so. Because it was personal.

Somewhere, hundreds of 80s and 90s action stars sneezed…

They got in earlier than initially planned, because of a tip 'from above'. Chigusa-han and Sextum-han often got those mysterious messages from 'upstairs'. Tsukuyomi had no idea exactly who sent them, but she never cared as long as she was paid and she got to have her fun. If anything, breaking in earlier only meant she'd get to see Hime-sama sooner than expected, so she had been delighted.

Regardless, Chigusa-han and Hatter-sama's contacts inside the Inn told them where to strike. And Chigusa-han had instructed Tsukuyomi to watch the perimeter while she got changed; coming all the way with the heavy costume on was a bother, after all. Tsukuyomi didn't understand the need for the costume at all, but we all have our quirks, don't we? Still, it was regrettable Chigusa-han was planning on wearing something so un-sexy…

But now she was taking too long. Tsukuyomi grew impatient. Always melding into the shadows with the skill of a silent killer for hire, remarkably well despite her outlandish choice of clothes, she started gravitating towards the room of Hime-sama's quarters more and more often, wondering when Chigusa-han would finally act.

Break in there yourself, make her yours, make her yours, her mind chanted. You know you want to. Do it yourself, now, now...

No. She was, despite everything, a woman of her word. She would wait as planned, and then the reward would be that much sweeter...

Then, during one of her rounds, she saw that precious angel leaving the toilet, yawning oh so cutely, rubbing her sleepy eyes with the back of a hand, in a light kimono that made her as adorable as ever. Tsukuyomi's heart raced. It was just like in the old days, when the three of them played together, and she wanted it so much, to go back there, to be with them, to grab those small hands in hers and never ever let them go...

To hell with Chigusa-han, she decided.

Konoka thought she heard a rustle of clothes as she slowly walked back to the bedroom she shared with the other librarians and Asuna. She wasn't even halfway back yet. "Who's there?" she yawned. Maybe a sleepwalking Negi-kun? Haruna had told her he sleepwalked into the girls' futons during that whole Library Island affair...

Someone walked into her sights. Definitely a girl, smiling brightly, dressed very elegantly. Glasses framing her shiny clear eyes. She looked oddly familiar.

Then she spoke, and the memories came back in full earnest.

"Good evening, Hime-sama!"

And Konoka smiled happily, her face lit up. "Ah! Ah, it's you...!"

"Please forgive me, Hime-sama. This won't hurt," the girl said, snapping her fingers.

Then tiny monkeys poured in on Konoka from all directions.

...

Batman vs. Chigusa, Continuation.

He threw a Batarang at the hand holding those paper charms she had just whipped out, making her drop two from her fingers, but still clutching the other two. The woman in the monkey costume hissed in pain, but the costume had absorbed most of the impact, and her hand was in perfect enough condition to toss the charms into the air, where they caught on fire, falling quickly at the Batman's feet, where they lifted a wall of fire at the woman's cry of "Charm-san, Charm-san! Shield me from my enemy!"

Dashing back quickly, the vigilante pulled a small sprayer out of his belt, putting the fire down with its contents.

"Oh, a concentrated formula," the woman observed, already with a foot on the window's frame. A rope wrapped around her wrist, pulling her back into the room, making her grunt. "A resourceful little man, indeed!" She dodged under the punch he tossed, countering with a hand shove to his chest. "Begone, insect!"

He reached for a few small metallic balls and tossed them at her eyes. Blinding flares. The woman cried when her vision was wiped off by a flash of intense light, and then she felt the man tugging at the naked girl's legs, quickly pulling her back with him. She growled while regaining enough of her eyesight to look back at him, now carrying Konoka in his arms. "Flying rat! Stay out of this!"

He backed away for the door, repelling her with a kick. But before he could reach the corridor, she pulled another charm out. "Charm-san, Charm-san! Hold my enemy for me!"

With that, the paper pieces formed a few invisible strings in the air, wrapping themselves at amazing speed around the ankles and wrists of the caped man, twisting around with Killer Croc-esque strength, forcing him to drop the girl onto the floor, where she stirred and blinked before falling asleep again. The Batman tugged on the strings with all his might, but despite how thin they seemed, he just couldn't snap them no matter what.

"Oh, ho ho ho!" the woman laughed, picking Konoka back up into her arms. "Then you are nothing but a human with fancy weapons, after all! What a disappointment! You're nothing to even the lowest of mages!" Then she reached up with a hand, tenderly stroking his square chin with her fingers while hugging Konoka against herself with the other arm. "Perhaps I should knock you out and carry you with me as well, though. You'd be a nice toy for Tsukuyomi, and some people would also pay generously for your head..."

He headbutted her, making her yowl and stagger back.

The magic user screeched. "Forget Tsukuyomi. I'll tie you up in my basement and break you piece by piece!"

"I don't put out on the first date," Batman deadpanned.

Right then, however, a small figure in a towel appeared in the doorway, aiming an old wooden staff at her. "You, there! Let Konoka-san go immediately!" the little boy growled with ferocity unfit such a young man.

Two teenaged girls stopped behind him. One of them had brown hair and wore a pink dress similar to Tsukuyomi's. The other one had her black hair made into two white buns, and also only wore a bath towel around her body.

Chisame looked at Batman up and down, strangely. "... I really hope this is only Open Cosplay Night."

"Ah," the woman's eyes glinted. "You're this class' teacher, aren't you? The western mage..." her words dripped venom. "Negi Springfield! And anyone in the world of magic knows the Springfield name!"

She opened her arms, paper charms floating all around her. "I'll get to be the woman who defeated the son of the Thousand Master!"

Then she paused, picked up a robe on the floor, and threw it at him. "Put something on first! When I defeat you, I do NOT want there to be any misunderstandings in retelling as to how I did so because you're naked!"

Negi blinked as he caught the robe. "What does that have to do with–"

"Don't think about it and put the damned robe on!" the girl in the frilly dress said.

"Do you have another one of those things?" the girl with the hair buns asked.

...

Tsukuyomi vs. Sailor Mercury.

Akira was starting to think she had lost her way through the labyrinthine corridors of the inn when she saw the disturbing trail of small shreds of clothes.

The Sailor Senshi raised an eyebrow. It was as if someone had been ripping their clothes off and tossing the pieces aside as they advanced down the hall. And then there was those soft repeated sounds coming from ahead, way into the darkness...

Oook-ook-ook oook oook ook-ook...

Breathing deeply, she marched ahead, telling herself it was what Minako-san would do. Or Joker-chan. Or...

Akira briefly took a mental note to start looking for saner role models, but kept on marching.

Then she began to see tiny monkeys prancing all around, chewing on the ripped clothes and playing together. They took notice of her very quickly, and jumped for her, trying to strip her as well. She shrieked and shook them off, but they jumped on her!

"Mercury Bubbles!"

Much to her own shock, the bubbles pulverized them very quickly into pieces of paper. They weren't real animals, just like the demon crows she and Venus had been eradicating around Mahora. Well, then she wouldn't have to hold back on them.

"Mercury Bubbles! Mercury Bubbles!"

Soon, she made her way to where a petite form carried another one in its arms. The standing figure wore a dress similar to Chisame's, but it was too short to be her. Maybe an ally of sorts? Was Chisame, after all, an enemy? The only thing clear now was this person was kidnapping someone.

That person was speaking. It had to be a young girl. Her voice was playful but with a deranged edge, soft and tender but with malice dripping from each word. And above it all, it had one of the heaviest Kyoto accents Akira had ever heard.

"Everything will be okay, Hime-sama..." she was whispering. "Like in the old days. We'll play together all day long, Hime-sama, but I'll also teach you this wonderful game I learned, with all the stabby-stabbity, and the beautiful red everywhere. I'll bet you'll look so pretty, caked in red. And Oneesama too..."

"Halt!" Akira cried.

The mysterious girl stopped. Slowly, warily, she craned her head back to look at Akira. It was a very cute face, like that of a doll, despite the eerie glow in the green eyes behind her glasses. The hat on her head didn't obscure enough of her features to make them unrecognizable, but enough to make them look very sinister despite her beauty.

"Oh, look, Hime-sama. Our first pretty toy to break together," the whispering voice cooed. Arika cringed when the new angle the kidnapper had taken allowed her a sight of her captive. It was a very naked and unconscious Konoka. "Who are you, my dear?"

Regaining her self control, the Senshi remembered Minako's lessons. She stood confidently, aiming a finger at the evildoer, posing like a true champion of Justice. "I'm a Sailor Senshi who fights for love and fairness! I'm a protector of the weak, savior of those in need! Warrior of Water, Sailor Mercury! And if you don't unhand that girl safely, I'll punish you... in the name of Mercury!"

Ugh, so cheesy! Akira told herself. Thank God Mom and Dad can't see me now...

"Punishment?" the creepy voice sounded delighted. The girl licked her own pink lips. "Oh. I love punishment. But right now, I'm on an errand. Well, both an errand and a mission of love... I fight for love, just like you! Why don't you come to my place? There, you can punish me as much as you want..."

"W-What?" Akira scowled. She had faced several monsters and villains by now, but none of them had ever suggested dirty things to her. Surely those stories Minako told her about touch-happy demons had been only exaggerations...

She couldn't feel anything supernatural about this girl, and yet, she was scarier than any monster she had ever encountered before.

"Or... I could punish you..." the girl giggled, a short sword popping out of her left sleeve and into her hand. Akira backed away, afraid the girl would try to cut Konoka if she tried something. Much to her relief, however, the mysterious meganekko put Konoka down on the floor with the utmost care. "Of even better, we could punish each other..."

Akira gestured for her to calm down. That sword was much smaller than Setsuna's, but still looked very lethal. "Just don't hurt Konoka-san. Yes, that's it, leave her right there, walk away from her like that... Yes, much better."

The girl smirked. "My name's Tsukuyomi," she said, actually stepping further from Konoka, finding herself a better strike angle. Another sword found its way into her other hand. "And indeed, this is much better..."

She lunged for Akira.

"There's nothing better!"

...

Ookuchi Akira had always hated fighting.

Her parents had taught her to be a peaceful, kind girl ever since they noticed how tall and strong she was bound to be. She had been raised to be polite and well behaved no matter what, and although she never became as feminine and demure as her family had hoped for, no one would ever mistake her for a violent tomboy.

Although she always would put her foot down to defend others, or her own honor, she never would resort to violence as anything but an absolute final resource. Even when fighting along Sailor Venus, she always would try to incapacitate her enemies as humanly as possible, instead of destroying them.

She never would aim a deadly attack at another human being.

Unluckily for her, she was fairly sure all of her attacks would be lethal for any humans.

She barely had dodged the Tsukuyomi girl's first sword strike thanks to her augmented Senshi agility, but the blade had cut the air dangerously close to her stomach. She swung a kick, aiming for a quick knocking out blow to the head, but the much shorter and faster girl dodged easily, giggling maniacally as she did so.

"What do you want with Konoka-san?" the Magical Girl asked, trying to distract the swordsgirl out of focus.

"Words don't suffice for explaining that," was the only reply, other than an expert swing of the smaller sword, cutting up in a perfect curve, slicing the surface of Akira's left knee, making her wince as blood jumped out. Forcing herself to ignore it, she threw a fist at the girl's face, but it only grazed one of her cheeks. Akira was very strong, even more in that state, and while the hit obviously hurt the adversary, she still absorbed it remarkably well.

"You're very strong, but you have no skill," Tsukuyomi cooed, her blades looking again for Sailor Mercury's stomach. Akira had to move from one side to another to avoid being skewered. "Won't you be my friend? I can teach you how to actually fight..."

"I befriend no monsters," Akira backed away, cursing her lack of experience. This was the first time she ever fought alone, and against an actually trained enemy to boot. She had a strength advantage over the thin girl, it seemed, but her best trump cards were things Artemis had warned her would kill a normal human in a single strike. True, she was starting to seriously doubt that girl was a normal human at all, but why to take a risk?

Then she remembered a power Artemis had told her about recently. Yes, that could do it. Not like she had many options now...

Akira memorized the lying Konoka's position carefully, standing back and placing herself in a straight line for her. As Tsukuyomi charged for her, swords ready, she thrusted her hands ahead, almost pushing them against her face, and shouted, "MERCURY AQUA MIST!"

Immediately, a huge and very thick layer of mist covered the whole corridor, making Tsukyomi cough and stumble back. With the element of surprise on her side, and having memorized Konoka's position, Akira made a run for her, jumping over her fallen enemy and going for the barely visible form on the floor.

However, Tsukuyomi's confusion only lasted a moment. While she was blinded, it meant little to her. She only closed her eyes and remembered a few of her earliest teachings at the Dojo. Tsuruko-san would often blindfold her and her Oneesama before practicing. She'd say a true fighter would rely on all their senses, never on a single one.

Tsukuyomi gained focus, forgetting the frenzy of blood for a few moments. She only listened amidst the blinding mist, reading Akira's hasty steps like an open book. The girl had covered actually a lot of ground in such an impossibly short span; she was fast, Tsukuyomi had to admit it. A single moment more, and she'd reach Hime-sama and run away with her, out of reach...

Good. Tsukuyomi only needed to act faster.

She lunged back, reaching up with the hand that held the longer sword. The blade felt its way up to its target.

Akira felt a sharp pain in her stomach, and lost balance, falling on her side on the floor, a couple steps away from the still unconscious Konoka. She took a hand to the bleeding wound in her flesh, panting quickly, trying to quantify the damage. And then, between the quickly dissipating mist, she saw Tsukuyomi standing over her, with a sword poised to strike down.

"Bad girl, bad girl..." the accented voice cooed playfully. "Looks like I'll have to punish you after all..."

As the sword came down, Akira tried to kick up, to get the girl off herself before it was too late. But just as the leg was in mid-way to the girl's abdomen, something else stopped the blade before it found its target.

It was another sword.

Akira looked back at the direction of the figure holding the sword and saw...

"Yo," Kuro greeted. "Sailor Mercury. What a wacky contrived coincidence to find you here…"

...

Twilight Red looked down at the monkeys and sighed. "Ah, memories…" she said drawing out her card. Hey, Negi…

Yes, I know about the monkeys.

Ah. Good. So, what's the plan?

...

Tsukuyomi vs. Kuro.

Kuro scowled at Tsukuyomi, her plain sweater and skirt clashing badly with the black sword in her hand. "Buzz off, girl," Kuro said. "I'm the depraved bisexual loli swordsgirl around here!"

Akira stared at the tall, rather flat-chested woman who had come to the trip as a chaperone, a rather loopy part of her thinking that there was no way one could call the woman a loli. Tsukuyomi didn't let such philosophical matters derail her, slashing out with the blade in her other hand. Suddenly a white sword was in Kuro's hand, intercepting the blade. Weapons whirled, and suddenly the air above Akira was a blur of clashing blades, sparks flying to the sound of ringing metal. Akira held very, very still as the weapons swing above her. Tsukuyomi was obviously still trying to kill her, and Kuro-san was just as obviously preventing that. She could tell that much, despite them fighting almost to fast for her to follow.

Something imperceptible changed in the battle, and abruptly Tsukuyomi drew back, out of sword range on Konoka's other side. A faint, barely perceptible cut was on the tip of her nose, barely outlined by minute droplets of blood. "Oh my…" she sighed. "Such a surprise! I wasn't expecting someone of this caliber here except for Setsuna-Oneesama."

Akira could HEAR the heart emoticon at the end of that sentence. She felt cold. After weeks of Tsunetsuki-sempai in their class, she knew a creepy stalker when she heard one. Something told her this girl didn't have the 3-F girl's redeeming qualities.

"The world throws us curve balls," Kuro said. "Deal with it."

There was a pop, and a brief puff of smoke, and suddenly a little dark-skinned girl was standing in the now-oversized sweater and purple skirt.

"Exhibit B," the now smaller, higher-pitched-voiced Kuro said, her deadpan voice just the slightest bit exasperated.

"Ahh…" Tsukuyomi said. "Now the loli comment makes sense."

With a smooth movement, Kuro cut herself out of the sweater and let the skirt fall around her feet. Akira was disturbed to find she was naked underneath, even her underwear oversized and drooping around her hips, ready to fall off. Her chest was topless, but she seemed unconcerned about her nudity, seemingly more worried about being tangled up in her clothes. She stood completely at ease, as if the swords in her hands were all she needed as she cut off the drooping panties as well, now completely bare.

Akira realized she was staring at a girl who had just completely stripped herself naked and averted her eyes, blushing. Tsukuyomi merely raised an eyebrow. "Oh… no way to tell if you dye your hair yet, I see."

Up in Skuld's station, alarms rang. "WARNING! FANSERVICE LIMIT REACHED, TOLERANCES AT MAX!"

Skuld sighed as she frantically worked controls. "This never happened when Belldandy was around…"

"Step away from the girls," Kuro said, swords in a ready position.

Tsukuyomi smiled. "No."

Kuro scowled. "Hey! Defiant one-liners are supposed to be MY thing! You're supposed to say something about how ignorant I am and how I can't stop your plans! Do things properly, darn it!"

Somewhere, Kitsu Chiri sneezed in the middle of sharpening her shovel, as was proper.

Tsukuyomi just smiled… and blurred as she suddenly attacked Akira again. Kuro countered in commando, and they clashed continuously in a cacophonous cadence of complex kata and competent coordination. The pain in Akira's side reminded her she was bleeding, and she struggled to get out of the way. There was no hope of reaching Konoka now, but drawing back was possible. As injuries go, blood loss was pretty serious, and while she had been hurt before, it had usually taken more than a mere sword. The naked Kuro danced around her, seemingly not affected by her crawling past leaving a trail of blood on the floor.

Tsukuyomi cried out something, and suddenly a curving ripple in the air flew at Akira, flying past Kuro. The dark-skinned girl— Akira found herself wondering if she was still a chaperone— cursed and suddenly blurred in front of Akira, performing some kind of counter before it struck the Senshi.

In a flash, Tsukuyomi had sliced a window off its hinges, suddenly snatching Konoka's still form and leaping into the night. Kuro swore, but didn't pursue. Instead she let her swords drop and knelt by Akira, still heedless of her nudity, and began to examine her wound. "Darn it. It's not deep, but unless it's treated soon, you're going to drain out." She reached for the remains of her sweater and quickly folded it up, pressing the impromptu bandage against the wound. "Hold it in place. Pity. It was a good sweater too."

Akira complied. "You're… a little girl."

"I prefer 'loli', thank you very much," Kuro said. "Keep applying pressure." She drew out a cell phone and dialled. "Calculator! I need a medic. I've got a blood loss injury here that Avalon's overkill for and too slow besides. No, it's not for me, it's for the local Sailor Mercury." Kuro drew the phone from her ear as a voice strangely familiar to Akira erupted from it. "No, it's not her. Apparently, there's a different Mercury here. They got away with Alba too. You better tell AngelGARd. Yeah, okay."

She put away the phone. "Help's on the way. Stay still." Kuro reached for the skirt and slipped it over her head. Twisting its waistband around her breasts, she managed to make a serviceable dress. Apparently, she wasn't as lacking in modesty as Akira thought. She studied Akira as she settled on her heels. "You're a 3-A girl," Kuro said after a moment.

Akira's blood ran cold.

"I think your magic is trying to make me not think about it…" Kuro said. "But I'm stubborn that way."

"You know about—" Akira cut herself off. "Oh, of course you do. Why should I be surprised? After all, Chisame is some kind of Dark Magical Girl. Why can't our chaperone be a magic loli exhibitionist?"

"Wannabe sex fiend," Kuro said as if correcting, holding up a lock of Akira's hair. "Black hair. That narrows it down. I've never heard of the Senshi transformation changing hair color. Gender maybe, but not hair color—"

Akira paled. "G-gender?"

"— except for that crappy Sentai show that the Senshi thought was hilarious and Pluto sued out of boredom," Kuro continued, "so that rules out you being Ayaka. You're not stacked enough to be Chizuru—"

"Gee, thanks," Akira said sarcastically.

Sweat had started beading on Kuro's brow. "— and anyway, she's a redhead and has a more terrifying 'Nice One's aura than you. Konoka's just been captured, you're too pale to be Tatsumiya, definitely not Setsuna, hair's too short to be Yuuna, too sane to be Haruna—"

"Gee, thanks," Akira said again, more sincerely.

"Hakase and Chao are out…" she trailed off, growling. "Stupid identity magic. Okay, not Sayo, not Asakura, not Asuna…" She began listing down all the members of 3-A's roll. "…not Ako, not Ak—" She paused. She stared intently at Sailor Mercury. "No…" she said slowly. Sweat was now flooding from her forehead, and she shook slightly. "No… not not Akira… tall. Long dark hair, public speaking problems, modesty, suicidal self-sacrificing courage, so-so breasts—"

"HEY!" Akira said indignantly.

"Ookuchi Akira…" Kuro said slowly. The shaking vanished at the words. "Class 3-A. Swimmer. And now, Sailor Mercury."

Akira stared. "I-I don't know what y-you're talking about! I'm definitely not Ookuchi Akira! Though I hear that she's awesome."

Kuro rolled her eyes. "Is everyone in 3-A such a crappy liar?"

There were heavy footsteps, the shrieks of monkeys and plods that sounded like someone shooting off confetti. A moment later, three girls rounded the corner. One wore full-body black plate armor with wings on the back, holding a small wand. Another wore white with a bunny backpack, a knife in her hands, slashing at monkeys and turning them to paper. A third wore a black dress, a book floating in front of her, surrounded by her own metal, mechanical-looking monkeys. All three wore masks.

"Wow, no tentacles?" Kuro said dryly. "Someone call Lois Lane."

"Shut up, you," dark-dressed girl said easily. She glanced at Mercury. "Why is Mars wearing Mercury's stuff?"

"Long story," Kuro said, offhandedly backhanding a monkey that tried to sneak up on her. It exploded into paper. "Black!"

"Here," the armored girl said, waving her wand over Akira and muttering some nonsense words followed by what sounded like Latin. Immediately, Akira felt a tingling at her side, almost but not quite an itch, and then a lack of pain. She looked down at her side. Though blood stained the slash on her sei fuku, the wound had closed up, leaving a small, tender line of flesh where it had been.

The armored girl grunted. "There. Best I can do. Maga Alba's our healer."

"Speaking of whom, you just missed her," Kuro said, jerking a thumb at the open window. "Some girl in an Eva-esque dress and swords kidnapped her and jumped out the window."

The dark-armored girl swore. "Tsukuyomi!"

Kuro raised an eyebrow. "That's who that was? I heard she was crazier."

"I'll update Erebus," the armored girl said. "AngelGARd can go after her." She gave Kuro a look. "Could you please put some clothes on?"

As the armored girl put what looked like a card against her forehead, Kuro glanced at Akira and winked. Then she made a gesture with her hands. Light burst around her, crackling arcs of it weaving around her naked body as the over-sized skirt fell away. When it faded, red cloth, black leather and armor covered the girl's form, still barely covering the essentials and definitely accentuating what wasn't covered. Her pale hair was now pinned up in the back as she grinned at Akira, then bent over and pulled something out of the pocket of the fallen skirt, putting it on her face. When she straightened, she wore a black domino mask, and Akira could feel some subtle magic around her face.

The Senshi gasped. "I know you! A couple of nights ago… those monsters… Black Archer!"

Kuro winked at her again, and Akira HAD to wonder how the hell she managed that while wearing a domino mask. "Magical Girl Black Archer, at your service, Mercury-chan. And these are my friends, Valkyrie Black–" the armored girl waved vaguely, still holding the card to her head, "– Psycho Purple–"

"H-hello!" the white-clad girl said as she executed a smooth circling slash with her knife, cutting several monkey out of the air and turning them back into paper.

"– and Kira Deathote Paru-sama," Kuro finished.

"Yo!" the one in the black dress said, directing her own monkeys.

Akira paled. "Killer Deathnote?" she repeated.

"Yeah, she's pretty evil, but thankfully, she's on our side," Kuro chirped, helping Akira back on her feet. "She's devoted to using her evil for the cause of good. And yeah, we don't get it either. But she's loyal to her friends, and that's what counts."

"Don't spread that around!" Deathnote admonished. "You'll ruin my rep!"

Akira stared at the three girls. "You're all… Magical Girls?"

"Yup!" Deathnote said.

Behind the crowd of monkeys, another girl appeared, clad in what could only be called a heavily plate-armored loli goth dress. "Go!" she cried. "I'll take care of the inn! Erebus will meet you outside!"

"Thanks Twilight Red!" Kuro said. She turned to Akira. "Come on. Let's get that girl back!"

...

Setsuna and Tsukuyomi.

Sakurazaki Setsuna had managed to shake off Negi and Chao from her trail even before Chisame joined them. After Ojou-sama's screams stopped, she had found it hard to locate their source. Especially since the screams seemed to have come from two different places. She correctly guessed it had to mean both her Ojou-sama and her counterpart had been attacked.

Still, she had a general idea both attacks had happened in that general area of the building. To make their escape, presumably with their prey since Ojou-sama was too important for anything but keeping her alive (at least, so Setsuna desperately hoped), they'd have to come out through that same side.

So, trying to keep her cool, and her mind as analytical and logical as possible despite the screams of 'PANIC PANIC PANIC!-!-!-!-!' in her head, she jumped out of the nearest window to the ground floor, quickly hid between some bushes, and kept a careful watch, ready for the first sign of an exit from any window, door, or even the rooftop, Yuunagi firmly in hand.

She had her reward moments later, when she saw a short girl in a long dress jumping out into the night, carrying a naked Ojou-sama in her arms. For a moment, Setsuna could make their figures out clearly under the direct light of the moon, and she gasped aloud.

"You!" she hissed, then began running down the street, after the surprisingly fast kidnapper. Fortunately, it was very late, and the area was deserted at the moment.

The girl she was chasing was as fast as ever. Still, Setsuna felt confident on still being her superior in every area. She would be catching up to her in a few...

Then Setsuna noticed a second Setsuna running next to her, almost leaving her behind. She had to be have been monstrously quick, since Setsuna hadn't even felt her coming. The second Setsuna wasn't in her Chibi form anymore, but her still-dyed hair and the costume complete with mask she was wearing made it hard to identify her, even for someone who was basically herself. It took Setsuna a few seconds to be sure she was, indeed...

"Sakurazaki-san!" she shouted. "What are you doing here?-!"

"What do you think?-! The same thing you're doing!"

"Back off! That's my Ojou-sama, and it's my duty to rescue her!"

AngelGARd blinked, looking more carefully at the fleeing forms. As a matter of fact, the Konoka being carried away looked too young to be the Ojou-sama she had devoted her own life to. Darn it! Apparently Kuro hadn't been able to get a good look at the Konoka that had been kidnapped…

AngelGARd began to slow down, torn between saving that oh so perfect looking lookalike and trusting her friends to handle the situation with her Ojou-sama until she could rejoin them, and leaving the other Konoka to be saved by her younger counterpart. But then her mind froze when she heard the other Setsuna scream, "TSUKUYOMI!"

Wait. What? How? She hadn't ever met Tsukuyomi until the day her Konoka was first kidnapped...

Tsukuyomi stopped abruptly, Setsuna slowing down behind her. A confused Sakurazaki followed suit.

Without turning back, the kidnapper said, "Onee-sama."

"Onee-sama?" AngelGARd echoed, frazzled. Okay, the just sounded so wrong on so many levels…

The girl with the light long hair turned around, smiling innocently. "Forgive me for dropping by without visiting you, Onee-sama. But I was sure you'd eventually come after us anyway! I just didn't expect it'd be so soon. Ehhhh, my Oneesama outdoes my expectations, like always! You're so genial and great, Setsuna-Oneesama...!"

"You... You know her?" Sakurazaki, distaste on her face.

Her younger alternate self nodded, keeping a deadly serious face.

"Oh, I see you brought a lovely friend, too! With good fashion sense, even!" the giggly girl cooed. "Are you aiming for a double date?" She bowed to Sakurazaki. "Pleased to meet you! I'm Aoyama Tsukuyomi, Setsuna Oneesama's half sister!"

Only the intense physical and emotional training she had undergone, not to mention the general weirdness of the past year and change prevented AngelGARd from fainting in horror and disgust right then and there.

...

Natsuki and Konoka.

The black-haired teen walked into the dark and smelly alley confidently, her hands hanging near her hips, separated enough from them to make clear she wasn't reaching for any hidden guns, but also close enough to guarantee she could reach for them if she had to.

Just in case.

"I got your call," she called out evenly. "Show yourself."

Strong steps in the alley's darkness. A deep, manly voice spoke, powerful Germanic accent pronouncing the words in perfect, if rough, English, with a slight Gotham tinge. Natsuki was a delinquent and a slacker, but she was a smart girl. She had studied long and hard on everything needed to carry her vendetta, and English was a must when researching the First District. "Are you Kuga Natsuki?"

"Yes."

"You came alone?"

"As agreed."

The voice chuckled gruffly. "A huge risk to take, isn't it?"

"You must know I wouldn't have come without taking precautions. And really, I'm not important enough to merit an ambush from anyone, am I?" she asked. "Show yourself. I'll be gone in three minutes."

"Hasty, hasty." The voice was amused, even as the tall figure stepped into sight. It was a very tall woman with a powerful muscular build and a large chest, her blond hair short and cut in a military style. Even the black clothes she wore were reminiscent of a combat uniform, giving her a strong Neo-nazi look. Still, her voice was clearly that of a man. She produced a thick manila folder, offering it to the young woman. "My name's Bruno. My employer wanted you to see this."

Natsuki still didn't accept it. "Why?"

The Aryan chuckled with no humor. "You'll only understand it when you read it."

"Where did you get it?"

"Let's just say the people I work with has had contact with the First District."

"And how did you know my number?"

A sinister smile. "I was told they got your insider. Relax, while he's leaving a widow, they actually got him because of other, much worse missteps…."

Natsuki paled visibly, but finally reached for it and took it, briefly congratulating herself on wearing thick biker gloves. The envelope had a small smiley face pinned on it. "I have no reason to believe anything that comes from... a mystery man?" she tersely said. "For all I know, this is nothing but fabricated junk."

"Ask Konoe Eishun about it later, if you want," 'Bruno' almost laughed. "See if he has the guts to deny it."

Natsuki scowled with a thoughtful air around her. Konoe Eishun? Oh, yes. Konoe Konoka's father. She had read on him while researching on the local mages and their associates. Was he involved in her mother's death? All the reports on him said he was squeaky clean, but then again, those often are the worst ones.

"What do you have to gain from this?" she asked again.

A disturbing smile crept up Bruno's face. "My employer likes... making people happy. And seems like he has taken a particular pity on you."

That made her snarl viciously. "I'm not a thing to be pitied."

"We're all things to be pitied," the large thug replied, with a half philosophical, half grimly-amused tone.

"Speak for yourself," Kuga huffed, keeping her eyes on her. Or him. Whatever. Gah, damned Americans!

The Aryan turned around with her hands in her pockets. Or his. "See you around, Honey."

"We'd better not," Natsuki said, seeing her (or him) disappearing down the alley.

She waited, perfectly still, for a long time.

Then she walked back to her motorcycle. The girl put the driving helmet on, and ripped the envelope open before turning the machine on. She should know better, but she couldn't help it. She had to know, immediately.

Her eyes grew wider.

The first copied paper she saw was an old photo of her mother, along with a young man with black hair and glasses. They stood together, smiling and holding hands as they posed for the camera.

Natsuki felt it like a punch to the stomach.

...

Tales of Mundus Magicus, Part 4- Tosaka.

He kept on walking, leaving the noises of the arena behind.

He breathed in and out slowly, feeling the ground under his feet becoming slightly colder as he approached his personal quarters.

The cold was nearly unbearable by the time he reached his door. Still, he knocked on the terribly icy door, ignoring the intense pain of near-freezing on his knuckles. He was well used to pain, after all.

To Pain and Panic.

The two diminutive, grotesque figures opened the door from the inside, scurrying away quickly while muttering hushed welcomes. He said nothing as he walked past them, ignoring the way they stared cowardly, murderous daggers at him when his back was turned on them. Instead, he kept his eyes fixed on the huge, broad shouldered figure in black sitting on his favorite chair, facing away from him. The air was hot as Hell itself now. And with good reason, though that had always intrigued him, this strange dichotomy of hot and cold.

"You wanted to see me?" he asked.

There was a chuckle, an amused one.

"I wouldn't waste my precious time being here otherwise, would I?"

"I guess not..." the man humbly admitted, lowering his face.

"Oh, Tosaka. Tosaka, Tosaka, Tosaka. Why so... gloomy?" the much taller, sinister figure rose from the chair, his shark-like grin showing up as he twirled his head around to look at him. Sharp yellow eyes. Bony hands armed with long sharp fingernails. An eternal green flame dancing actively on the top of his head. Pale, blueish skin. "You thought I'd say 'serious', didn't you? I bet you did. But you know, I'm more Woods than Ledger..."

Tosaka didn't understand that last part at all, but then again, much of what his visitor ever said was a mystery to him. "I haven't had a good day," he replied truthfully.

"I can say..."

"What can I do for you?"

The visitor rubbed his long chin thoughtfully. "Oh, I don't know. If you've been having such a bad day, perhaps I shouldn't bother you with my requests, my good Tosaka. Maybe I should look for someone else..."

"No!" the black haired man gasped, quickly trying to regain his composure. "I mean... you know I'm never too busy for you."

"As it should be, since I wasn't busy for you when you needed me," the visitor nodded, pleased. He ran a strong arm over Tosaka's shoulders, reminding him once more of the contrast between those skeletal hands and the rest of his body, besides just how scorching his skin felt on contact. He had made a nearly literal deal with the Devil. "Don't fret, my friend, I'm not going to ask anything huge from you. When have I ever abused our friendship, Tos?"

"Never," he said.

"That's the right answer!" Affably, the visitor patted his back a bit too hard. Tosaka was a hardened fighting veteran, and yet that casual pat was almost enough to topple him down to his face. The figure in black walked across the room, arms crossed behind his back. "I just need you to hold someone for me for a while. Someone who should be a nice attraction for this Arena of ours, so you'll even get a good profit out of it! Am I a good dealer, or what? Of course, should she happen to escape..." His eyes fell on Tosaka, burning bright red, "... I wouldn't be pleased."

"Why... Why don't you just hold her yourself the—"

And then he was towering over him, looking down at him, his shadow blanketing him. "I have my siblings' eyes on me every day, you silly flesh thing! I don't want them learning I have this person under my control! But here, in this world, this neutral ground, they won't be able to come for her even if they wanted to! And that's more of an explanation than you deserve!"

"... I understand..."

Again, he smiled benevolently. "Good. Sorry about that outburst. I've been having a bad day, too. Thanks for being so understanding."

His steps skipped lively as he led Tosaka further inside the quarters, Pain and Panic scurrying behind like worms.

"She's a lovely person. I'm sure she won't be any problem. The only thing I need from you is an agreement you won't let her go, and you won't let... anything bad... happen to her. So hold those two lustful friends of yours away from her, okay? She's a person of great importance, after all. A real hot commodity in the power struggles Down Below... Hah! I'll show Grim and that bitch Mandy…"

There was a young looking blond girl sitting on Tosaka's bed, sporting a blank expression. She had pointy ears and red eyes, and was wearing a tight black dress and high heels. Busty and shapely, with fair skin, several large guns hanging from her hips.

Tosaka blinked. "Lord Hades?"

Hades chuckled raspily. "Isn't she just adorable? You can call her Rozalin."

...

- To be continued...

...

Sailor V Says

"Hello, ladies and germs! This is The Joker in a Sailor V outfit!"

"And I'm Hoshino Ruri in a Sailor Mercury outfit. If you happen to feel Squicked now, please remember, at least you are not standing right next to him."

"You're just jealous my legs are nicer. Either way, since Minako and Akira are still recovering from last chapter's session with Panty, we'll be handling today's segment!"

"Yes. The moral of the chapter is 'Learn to trust your friends'."

"Right! Because if Negi had just trusted one of his prized students just a bit more, right now, he wouldn't have his boys crushed!"

"... His boys?"

"Ruri Ruri, you're just too innocent!"

"I thought they had crushed his testicles. I was unaware he had any children of his own. Isn't he still far too young for that?"

"... Oh, youngsters nowadays! When you think you can corrupt them, TV has already done it for you!"

"I assure you I watch as little television as possible. The internet is ninety percent porn, remember? Regardless of that, dear public, you should always trust those close to you, even if those loved ones later try to reveal magic to the world, leading you to be accused of treason, putting you in risk of being turned into an ermine, and then fighting you atop a dirigible."

"Heck, other than the whole magic and ermines part, that's the whole basis of my friendship with Batman!"

"My only friends were the doctors in the bioengineering lab. They put needles into me once every twelve hours and forced me to watch Tron."

"Enough with the sympathy ploys, Ruri Ruri!"

"Sorry."

"Other than Batman, my friends include Lex Luthor, that invisible goblin who takes only one sock away when you aren't looking, my favorite whoopie cushion, the Devil, Torgo from "Manos: The Hands of Fate", and several writers for Venezuelan soap operas."

"Over Master would like to send a announcement this hasn't been a comment on the quality of the network programming he's often forced to watch, by the way."

"Of course not. Then, boys and girls, learn to love and trust your friends, and also always follow Haruna's advice and rope them into being friends with benefits!"

"Are we allowed to give two morals per episode?"

"Screw the rules, I have a gun and the writers' pet puppy kidnapped somewhere."

"Ah." A pause, and then a whisper. "Idiot."

"I heard that!"

...

From the files of Chao Lingshen, Temporal Renegade, not to be confused with Chao Lingshen, Time Traveller:

Full Name: Konoe Konoka

Known Aliases: Maga Alba, "OJOU-SAMA!", That Crazy Healing Girl

Alignment: Neutral Good

ECL: Combat Rank, Librarian-Level threat; Healing Rank, "Anything short of your head squashed like a tomato".

Sexuality: possibly bisexual, confirmed Negi-sexual (but who isn't?)

Family: KonoeKonoemon (grandfather), Konoe Eishun (father), Aoyama Motoko (paternal second degree aunt), Aoyama Tsuruko (paternal second degree aunt), Aoyama "The Joker's Daughter OH SHIT!" Tsukuyomi (paternal third degree cousin), The Joker (via Tsukuyomi), Konoe Kaoru (maternal 6th degree aunt).

Affiliations: Mahora Academy, Ala Alba, the United Magical Girls (and Boys) Association (Medic Division), the Mahora Academy Library Explorers Club,

Background: Konoe Konoka has been best friends with Kagurazaka Asuna since they met in school. When Negi Springfield became her roommate, she remained ignorant of his abilities and activities for an an unusually long time. She was also ignorant of her own latent magical abilities.

All these things came to light for her during the school trip to Kyoto, where she was kidnapped by dissident Amagasaki Chigusa for her power in an attempt to summon a demon god. She became one of Negi's Ministra and soon began learning healing magic.

During Mahorafest, she acted as a healing station for anyone hurt during the 'festivities'. After Mahorafest she assisted with the training of Negi Springfield in physical combat and was a founding member of Ala Alba. She also further developed her healing magic, and appears to have developed her disturbing healing fetish/obsession around this point, as well as her fondness for meido outfits— or more specifically, Setsuna IN a meido outfit.

The incident at the Megalomesembria City Gateport led to her being teleported to a distant part of Mundus Magicus with Nagase Kaede, where they survived by taking bounties. They later encountered Asuna and Setsuna before they traveled to Ostia.

In the end, she, like the rest of Ala Alba, was instrumental in the defeat of Kosmo Entelekhia. Things, however, did not settle down. She, also like the rest of Ala Alba, was drawn into the incident known as the 'Book Of Darkness and Yet Another Reason To Stay The Hell Away From Earth (Unadministered World #97)' case.

During the Wolkenritter's attack on Mahora, she was occupied providing healing. She was also one of those who responded during the Invader mass-activation incident at the end of the 5th Holy Grail War in Fuyuki city.

Observers have detected a similarity to her personality and Daidouji Tomoyo. Handle with care.

Powers and Abilities: Konoka is a trained librarian, and thus skilled in rappelling, unarmed combat, small arms combat, ropes, knives, the Dewey Decimal System, library and wilderness survival, spelunking, book repair, finding the smutty books intentionally misplaced in the shelves by students trying to keep them all to themselves, locking, and trap identification and disarmament, among other skills. She is also a classically trained Mage, having learned healing magic under the Dark Evangel.

Her elemental specialty is light and fire magic, but knows only two basic combat spells, having concentrated on healing. She has a habit of pouring too much power into her spells. While this is fine for healing, it does not bode well for fire spells. She has set so many buildings on fire, second only to Servant Assassin, that she is now forbidden from combat.

...

From the files of Akagi Ritsuko, Sailor Pluto, Senshi of Time, Second Guardian of the Gates of Time:

Full Name: Jonathan Crane.

Known Aliases: The Scarecrow, Irving Diedrich, Alan Rance.

Alignment: Chaotic Evil.

Religion: Raised a Baptist, but has scorned religion after reaching adulthood. Currently an Atheist.

Sexuality: Heterosexual, although his sadistic, murderous leanings have rendered him mostly unfeeling for actual romantic desires. He seems to derive more pleasure from psychological torture than any sort of sexual activities.

Family: Gerald Crane (Father, deceased), Karren Dove (Mother, deceased), Olivia Dove (Maternal Grandmother, deceased), Marion Keeny (Maternal Great-Grandmother, deceased).

Affiliations: Crane prefers acting as a solitary criminal, but he sometimes acts with small gangs of three or four henchmen. He also has allied himself with The Joker and Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot, alias 'The Penguin'. Currently employed under a false name by Professor Souichi Tomoe in the Mahora College Area.

Background: Born in an impoverished family of Georgia farmers, Jonathan Crane was abandoned by his father at a very young age, and his mother neglected him after marrying another man. Crane was mostly raised by his fanatically strict, sadistic great-grandmother, growing to be a lonely boy who only found solace on books. During his formative years, he was scorned and abused by his classmates, who nicknamed him a 'scarecrow' because of his lanky, extremely thin physique.

After his great-grandmother's death, Crane was the victim of a public humiliation in high school, caused by the captain of the local football team Bo Griggs and his girlfriend Sherrie Squires, a young woman Crane himself had an interest on. Weeks later, after the graduation prom, the car Griggs and Squires were in crashed under strange circumstances, killing him and rendering him a paraplegic.

Crane moved to Gotham City, and his knowledge on psychology and chemistry granted him a brief internship working at Arkham Asylum before moving to teach Psychology in the Hamilton Hill University. While there, he quickly grew infamous amongst his colleagues for his unorthodox teaching methods, most of them revolving around practical applications of fear, which he believes the main motivator of human behavior. He was fired after an incident where he shot a gun in an auditorium to prove a point to his students.

Looking for revenge, Crane was inspired by the recent masked exploits of Gotham's vigilante, the Batman, and cat-burglar Catwoman, to make a costumed secret identity for himself. Donning a straw-packed tattered costume inspired by his childhood memories, he called himself the Scarecrow and murdered the senior faculty responsible for his dismissal. Afterwards, he contracted his services to Gotham's crime families as a killer for hire, particularly the Falcone family. This crime spree came to a halt when the Batman himself captured Crane and sent him to Arkham Asylum.

Crane has fought Batman and his sidekick Robin several times. Recently, however, he was sprung from Arkham by shady benefactors, who also arranged a new teaching job for him at Mahora University. I have a solid idea of how this will end. Sadly, despite my best intentions to make up for my past, my non-interference limitations prevent me from acting in situations not directly threatening to the timeline's stability.

Meioh Setsuna's post is a harsh one. I can't save everyone.

I mustn't.

Powers and Abilities: Crane is a human being with no superhuman powers or usage of magic, although he recently has been informed about its existence. However, he has trained himself in the Crane Style of Kung Fu, using his limber and long limbs in a bizarre self-made fighting style he calls 'violent dancing'. He is skilled with the use of scythes as weapons as well, and is a good shooter.

Crane's most infamous weapon is his fear gas, a concoction of his invention that makes his victims hallucinate about their worst fears, rendering them docile and unable to fight back. Prolonged exposition to this gas will cause cardiac arrest and death. He also has learned hypnotism, and can use sonic ultrafrequences to induce panic fits when his fear gas is not available.

Years of experimenting with his chemicals have rendered Crane immune to them, and generally unable to feel fear. He claims Batman himself is the only thing that can scare him now.

In most prior temporal iterations, Crane has also been, at some point or another, the selected host for the Yellow Power Ring of the Sinestro Corps in Space Sector 2814.

...

Next Episode: … Is actually a filler one, since we have a few loose pieces we will use to post all together between proper chapters to make your wait shorter. Take a glimpse into several alternate possible different aspects and outcomes of the Unequally in this 'All What-If' chapter! What If Unequally had been a Zombie Story? What if Asuna had been replaced by Shiori from the start? What if Ami was Sailor Mercury? And a lot more!

And the Episode after that: … The story reassumes, and the Kyoto arc kicks high! Even if Negi survives his encounter with Chigusa and rescues Konoka, he'll still have to face the threat of Asakura Kazumi's research! And a double confession from Nodoka and Natsumi! Plus, Ichigo and Hiyori do some spiritual bonding the rough way! And the Joker meets a girl after her heart… literally! It's everything from naked Shizuna-sensei to Kampfers to an even bigger secret family revelation in a chapter we call… The Scoop Chase! Be there, and be good!

...

Please review, C&C welcome.

Until next time, this is Shadow and OM, signing off.