AN: You can kill me later. Seriously, I know that I totally deserve it right now. You don't even know how sorry I am, but I was just swamped! I had exams last week, meaning that the few weeks before were filled with projects and essays. So I am seriously so sorry. Hopefully this post will kinda make up for it? And for all of you asking about Kai; the next two posts are going to explain everything and whether or not he's gone for good or making a return!
Disclaimer: As always, I do not own VA. Richelle Mead does!
I woke up the next morning surrounded by brilliant red walls. I stretched out under my thick covers feeling all of my muscles relaxing, the smell of aftershave still crisp and fresh. The events from last night began to
play out like a movie in my mind, and I was comforted by the memory of Dimitri embracing me. I could practically still feel his fingers wiping away my tears. I also took comfort in what happened after. It was
nothing overly spectacular but it was sweet and…normal. And normalcy was something my life was seriously lacking.
After his words of confidence he sat on my porch steps with me, holding me close as we stared out at the blazing sun. It was a tender moment that had a sense of déjà vu, forcing me to think back to when we sat
atop the roof of the resort in Idaho. We said nothing but instead sunk into the comfortable silence.
I hadn't let my mind wander then. Partly because I only wanted to savour the moment while it was happening, but mostly because I was afraid of what it would stumble upon. I just wanted to hush all of my thoughts
and I did, but not that I was awake and alone, there was no way to silence them. They were screaming at me.
What did this mean?
I never used to be one of those girls. Never used to overanalyze everything and try to find the deeper meaning. Hell, I used to pity those girls and now I was one. It was annoying and frustrating but I couldn't stop it.
I needed and wanted to know what he was thinking and what all of this meant. A part of me actually debated asking him and just being up front and blunt, while another part thought that I should just brush it off
and forget about it. Always the inner tug of war – always the constant battle, I groaned and pulled the covers over my head.
After an acceptable period of wallowing and self-pity, I crawled out of the protective fort of pillows and blankets, forcing myself to take a shower. I was still a leader and I still had a job to do, I needed to push all of
my raging problems with men out of the way, and focus on more important things. I could continue over analyzing and finding alternate meanings later.
I stayed in the shower until the water began running cold, and then I jumped out and put on my guardian uniform. I tossed my damp hair into a messy bun and didn't bother with makeup. I hurried downstairs into
my awesome kitchen, my stomach grumbling the entire way, but then I remembered that I didn't have any food and I was in desperate needed of almost all necessities. So instead of stopping in my kitchen I just
grabbed my keys, phone and wallet before setting out towards the café near guardian headquarters.
On the way there I began going through some of the messages that I ignored last night. I had a received a few more, but none were from Kai but I did have lots from Lissa, Adrian and Christian. A voice in the back of
my head continued to nag me all the way to the café as I scrolled through my messages, and it continued to whisper that I didn't have any messages from Dimitri either.
I tried to shove all of the thoughts about Dimitri and Kai out of my brain, but it was practically impossible. Everything around me continued to remind me of the two, and I was ready to pull my hair out because of it.
No men. I needed no men in my life. They just complicated the hell out of it.
I sighed in exasperation as I opened the door to the café and was instantly engrossed in the smells of teas and pastries, and my mouth instantly began to water as I approached the front counter. I pointed at the
double chocolate éclairs and told the barista two of those and a large chai tea.
I had just paid and was waiting for my tea when I felt someone crash into me, and arms wrap tightly around me. I tensed at first, my fighting instincts kicked in until I realized that it was Lissa. Her thin pale arms
were in a death grip on me and she was murmuring things were to low and quick for even my ears.
"Whoa, whoa Liss," I told her, smiling as I slid out of her grip and looked into her wide green eyes. "You need to slow down, and explain in an appropriate decuple what is going on."
"Why didn't you answer your phone?" She asked, eyes narrowing as she studied me. Apparently I had worried her when I didn't pick up last night, and now that she saw I was fine, she was pissed. It was still so
strange that I could pick up on her emotions so quickly, even without the bond. I guess that's what happens when you're as close as sisters.
"I was really tired, and needed to get away from everything for a while." I shrugged, not wanting to tell her about Dimitri. I hardly knew what was going on with that, how could I possibly explain to someone
something that I hardly understood? "Sorry that I worried you."
She slender arms across her chest, tilting her head so that her blond hair fell away from her face, and pursed her bubble gum lips. She was trying to detect whether I was lying, so I tried to keep my face neutral so
that my expression wouldn't give anything away. After I kept her in the dark about the bond between me and Kai, and the dangers that followed I had a feeling she was a little wary about trusting me. She would
never admit it, but I had a feeling that she suspected I was still hiding a lot from her.
"It's fine. But if you need to be alone at least text me to tell me, that way I'm not freaking out." She chided, after a moment when she obviously decided I wasn't hiding anything. I just nodded my head and made a
crack about her acting like a mother.
She ordered a coffee and we sat down at a small table in the back corner of the café, and she leaned in closer as she began providing me details of what happened yesterday after I left the clinic.
Apparently, Lissa was unable to stop the guardians who came for the girl. She had made a big scene, yelling and shouting at the guardians to leave the girl alone. Eddie, Christian and Adrian had apparently jumped in
too. But even combined they weren't able to stop the guardians from taking the girl over to the feeders building.
I pinched the bridge of my nose and shut my eyes, inhaling deeply. This morning when I had forced myself out of bed, telling myself that I had responsibilities to take care of, I hadn't meant this. I was thinking more
along the lines of paperwork and maybe even talking to Mikhail, not that either of those sounded overly pleasant, it was better than dealing with this. I mean, I knew it was my responsibility, but how could I fight the
Queen on this?
I had to figure something out. I needed to find some way to help this girl out. It was my fault she was at court and in this situation. I was being selfish when I burned the house and ignored calling the alchemists.
Tatiana had pointed out earlier that this was my fault, that by dismissing protocol I had put so many at risk, and now this human girl was paying the price.
"We have to help her Liss." I sighed, opening my eyes and seeing concern written all over my best friend's face. She was sympathetic towards the situation and I could tell that she wasn't completely comfortable with
the thought of this girl being a feeder forever either.
"I know," She nodded her head, her jade eyes boring into mine. "But how? Tatiana is set on keeping her here." I bit my lip, and nodded my head. How the hell was I going to rescue this girl? It seemed useless for a
minute, but then I felt an idea spark in my mind.
Lissa sensed the ignition in my brain, and watched as the fire of an idea began to burn, and all the pieces fell together.
"What is it and how do I help?" She asked, and I grinned at her. Having her ready to jump into whatever crazy and impossible plan I thought up made me beyond happy. A felt a warmth spread through my body,
tingling my fingers and burning the soles of my feet. This was friendship.
"We need to compel the girl to forget about everything. We need to make her forget about our entire world. You need to make sure she forgets all of this" I explained, lifting my arms and gesturing to everything
around us. This was probably our only hope, we needed to make the girl forget and somehow convince Tatiana that this was the best option.
I didn't have a damn clue on how we were going to convince the queen that compelling someone – which was against moroi law – was the best option, but we had to do it. I had a feeling I was going to be enlisting
the help of the misfits.
And that's how I ended up standing in my new kitchen, surrounded by my friends who were all wearing determined expressions. I had just explained the poorly thought out plan to them, hoping that they would all
agree to play a role in this crazy attempt to rescue the human girl.
Lissa was standing beside me, and continued to shoot me glances during my entire explanation of the plan, and throughout my friend's silence. It was obvious that she was nervous. She knew that regardless if the
queen dismissed this idea than we would do it anyway, and if that was the case then it would be treason. Of course, this wasn't the first time I roped Lissa into high treason, she had played a pivotal role in breaking
free Victor Dashkov all those years ago. Something that has remained top secret for years, no one outside our circle and Victor knows that we were behind his diabolical escape from Tarasov.
"I'll do it." Eddie nodded, standing as he turned to look at me, his hazel eyes were so serious. Everyone in the room was watching him, but the only person he was focused on was me. Somehow I knew he would be
the first person to agree to this, maybe it was because he was a guardian, or because he had also been a part of Victor's escape. But I think it was because of Mason, and it was because of how close we were now. He
had once told me that he would do whatever I asked, no matter how incredibly insane. He said that I saved his life twice and he owed me.
I just nodded my head, my throat constricting as I thought about how much we had been through. He would always jump in, doing whatever crazy task I asked. I was so thankful to have a person like him in my life.
"Me too," Christian nodded, standing up and taking a few steps over to Lissa, pulling her in tightly. He smiled at her briefly, before his icy eyes focused on me and he subtly nodded once more. Christian would never
pass up something like this, he would want to be involved in whatever crazy, Rose Hathaway stunt that were planning, especially if it meant going against the Queen and the royal rules.
"You're going to need me, I guess." Adrian sighed, but had a smirk on his face. He really was newly reformed, I thought as he rolled his eyes at whatever snarky comment Christian made. I once remembered a time
where Adrian swore that he would never be a part of this kind of thing, that he didn't want to be included in my delusional plans. Hell, that he didn't want to be included in anyone's crazy or delusional plans. He just
wanted to do his own thing, he didn't care about politics or Strigoi or really right and wrong. He just wanted to smoke his clove cigarettes, to drink his scotch and go to parties. Now, he was willing to join in on the
madness.
"Of course I'll help." Tasha said, and I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I didn't exactly want her help, or want her in my house at all actually, but she would be useful. That didn't mean that I still didn't want to
karate chop her in half though.
"We will too." Mia smiled, signaling that both she and Jill would help out. I smiled at everyone and Lissa gave my hand a squeeze, our team had been assembled. One part of this insane plan was done, now we had to
move on to the trickier parts, but I was feeling way more confident about it. We had two Guardians, six moroi – two of which were spirit users and the rest being trained in defensive magic – we were set.
I was grateful that no one bothered to mention the three unspeakable men in my life – Dimitri, Kai or Mikhail. I think they all understood that each of these men and I were having problems, and no just average
problems but the kind that make you flee court and breakdown in the basement of guardian headquarters. Although, these three guardians could be a tremendous help I couldn't use them, there was too much
personal problems going on to include them. Not to mention that one of them was on an indefinite leave of absence.
"That's as much as we can do tonight. Everyone go home and sleep, but be here early tomorrow to go over the final details." I nodded, while everyone stood and chatted a little more, before saying their goodbyes
and exiting in small groupings.
I was just shutting the door behind Lissa and Christian, when I turned and headed back to my kitchen, only to see Adrian sitting on one of the stools around the island. I put my hands on my hips, tilting my head and
studying him as he grinned up at me.
"What are you still doing here?" I asked, curious as to why Adrian had stayed. Although I loved him as a close friend, and trusted him (ignoring that he betrayed my trust with snooping around in my things) he and I
hadn't really been the same since we broke up all those years ago. I loved him and I knew he loved me, but we didn't really have these alone moments anymore. We had never really just spent time in each other's
company after we broke up, minus a few spirit dreams here and there. But those weren't the same. They weren't like being around him in real life.
"Thought I would hangout for a little while, figured you could use a friend." He shrugged, playing with the edges of a bright place mat. I nodded my head and took a seat on the stool beside him.
"What makes you say that?" I asked, my voice softer now. This was one of the few times that Adrian and I had meaningful conversations without all the sexual innuendoes and sarcasm.
"Well, mostly because Peters picked up and left, leaving you all alone in this town house." He started, his emerald eyes looking deeply into mine. "And because although you won't admit it, things are still rocky with
you and Belikov, regardless of your awkward friendship. And because you told Mikhail about Sonya, he freaked like expected and you blame yourself." I found myself gawking at Adrian in stunned silence. How the hell
did he figure all that out? I mean Kai leaving was obvious to everyone, although no one will really come out and say it, but the Dimitri thing and the Mikhail thing? Few knew about either, and I doubted that Lissa or
Kai would've told Adrian about the whole Dimitri thing.
"When did you become so observant, Ivashkov?" I asked and Adrian's smile broadened. I continued to stare into his non-glossy green eyes, taking pleasure in the fact that they weren't blood shot and that he didn't
smell like alcohol. He really had changed.
"I always have been. I just kept my observations to myself, besides the smoking and the alcohol inhibited me from actually expressing them sometimes." He shrugged with a small smirk, but then his face turned
serious, and his eyes seemed even more intense. "It wasn't hard to figure out Rose. Anyone who cares about you can tell what's happening, and although you put on a strong act, we know that it's hard on you." I
just bit my lip and nodded my head in silence. Anyone who cared about me? So basically all of my close friends understood what was happening, but none of them would say anything. I was actually grateful for that.
"It's really that obvious?" I asked, my voice a half whisper as I ran my fingers through my dark hair. Adrian just gave me a sympathetic smile and nodded once. "Can we not talk about it?" I asked, not wanting to say
the dread that I was feeling. I was already feeling pathetic, and I did not want to share my misery, even if he already knew about it.
"Sure." He told me, and I just nodded my head as we sat there in silence. But after a moment he added something, making my heart swell and a small smile break out on my face. "But just so you know, we are here
for you, all of us. If it was possible to carry the world on your shoulders, then you would be the best bet to do it. But it can't be done, and that's why we're here. We want to help you carry everything, and we want to
be a part of all your crazy, stupid schemes."
I mumbled a thank you, leaning my head against his broad shoulder, as he wrapped his arms around me. We sat like that in peaceful silence for a while, and I remembered how much I actually missed Adrian's
company. And secretly, I wished that I could have loved him like he wanted me to all those years ago. I wished that I could've just been with Adrian, because although there were complications with our relationship,
they were nothing compared to the complications I had now. I wished that I could love him like he loved me.
Dimitri's Point Of View
Incredible.
That was the only word that could come close to describing last night. Nothing overly amazing happened, but sharing a moment with the woman I loved was amazing. Just being with her was a blessing to me, but
being able to hold her and sit with her, gazing up at the sky? It was practically a miracle to me.
Whenever I spent time with her, or watched her it made me realized what an idiot I was for letting her go. I was being a coward back then, and I didn't truly understand the implications my words had. I regret them
every day, and I regret how badly they affected her. I never wanted to hurt her, it was actually the opposite, I wanted to help her.
She never should have been involved with me from the start, back at St. Vladamirs when I was her mentor. But I eventually got over that, my love for her was too strong. Right and wrong didn't matter as long as I
had her in my life. But then when I was awakened and then restored, I knew our relationship was too wrong to work. Although I still loved her, she deserved a lot better and she was meant for greater things. She
deserved someone who wouldn't hurt her or let her down. She deserved someone better than me.
But just like how it had been at St. Vladamirs, my love blurred the lines between right and wrong, and what she deserved. Sometimes I thought that I was being selfish, by loving her so much, by not putting what
she deserved first. But my love clouded everything over. Making it impossible to decipher what was good for her and what wasn't.
But then I had to remind myself that Kai Peters was still in the picture, and that he too loved Rose very much. I knew they had a bond and that they were close, but I didn't know if it was a platonic relationship or if it
was something more romantic. I mean, she was crying over him last night, and about how he abandoned her.
I guess that was a running theme in Rose's life. That all the men who entered her life walked out at some point, either that or they disappointed her. Mason Ashford, Adrian Ivashkov, Kai Peters and me. At some
point we have all let her down or walked way, whether it was intentional or not it still happened and she didn't deserve it.
I will stay. If she wants me around then I will stay, and I will do everything in my power to make it up to her. I will correct all of the disappointments that I have caused her. If she wants me to stay, then I will stay.
I made my way over to her townhouse, unsure of what I would say once I got there. I wanted – needed – to see her and fix what I broke all of those years ago. I needed to tell her that I will stay.
I was just coming up to the large white building, when I watched the door open and Rose stepped out. Although I had seen her just last night, I was still struck by her beauty. I had once compared her to an avenging
angel, and it was true she was heavenly. She had the ability to bring destruction and chaos with her, but did it with such an effortless grace.
I was so consumed in her beauty that I almost didn't notice Adrian step out behind her, smiling broadly as he hugged her tightly. I stopped walking and watched there embrace for a minute, knowing that I was far
enough away that they wouldn't notice me in the misty shadows of the rising sun.
I assumed that Adrian was just leaving. I decided that I would wait patiently for him to do so before confessing my love to Rose, I really didn't need an audience for this. But he didn't leave. Instead he lingered on her
porch, laughing and tugging on her hand. There was a part of me that desperately wanted to hear what they were saying, and was tempted to edge closer but I realized that I was already invading her privacy and
needed to stay back.
I watched as they laughed and smiled at one another, until Adrian finally walked down the porch steps and turned back to Rose. I figured he was leaving when I saw Rose turn and walk back inside, until I saw her
emerge moments later, locking the door behind her. She was leaving with him, and I realized that my chance to tell her tonight was also leaving.