Gilmore Handbook Rule 35

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you cows, milk 'em.

Luke had offered yet again to lend his usual five hours of handiwork for Lorelai's birthday. Lorelai hadn't milked him like she should have that first year. She knew she'd have to make up for it for the rest of her birthdays. Forget the giant pizza, as great as it was… she had Luke to do whatever she wanted him to do on her birthday.

When the thought popped into Lorelai's head, she added a 'dirty' to it, but then thought better of it. He was Luke, after all, and no matter how many hours she went over, he wouldn't charge her. In fact, he never did charge her. Not after the broken window, not after the countless bookshelves, lawn mowings, and not after any of the other miscellaneous projects he'd done.

"Luke!" Lorelai said, opening the door and adjusting her tiara. "List."

Luke took the list. "Fix porch rail. Didn't I fix that already?"

Lorelai shrugged. "One of the little thingies came loose in the corner."

"So specific," Luke replied. "Fix dryer. Something's wrong with your dryer?"

She sighed, digging into her birthday cake and ice cream she held in a Scooby Doo plastic bowl. "Yeah, it doesn't turn on."

Luke moved on to the next item. "Fix stove. What's wrong with your stove?" he asked.

"It sounds like it's going to blow up every time I turn it on. I don't want to see a mushroom cloud above Stars Hollow, that's not such a great idea," Lorelai explained.

Luke skimmed the rest of the list. "I can do all this for you, they seem like they're easily fixed. Where should I start?" he asked.

"Hmm," Lorelai pondered out loud, "I'm thinking the attic needs new insulation."

Luke looked at the list. "It's not on the list."

Grinning, Lorelai pointed to her sparkly tiara. "Birthday? Me? Present? Luke," she said, starting to pout.

"Fine, fine, that can be done," he consented. "But I'll have to stop by the hardware store for that, so I'll finish that tomorrow, that okay?"

She nodded. "Very okay. Thank you," she replied.

Luke got to work on the stove as Lorelai watched from the fridge. "So what's that tool? I mean, I know your basics, but what's that?"

"What's with the third degree?" he asked.

She shrugged. "It's my birthday, I'm bored, Luke. Rory's not here… I'm sad," she said with a sigh.

"Does this sadness go away?" he asked, slightly frustrated.

Lorelai nodded. "If you take me to the ceramic place," she added.

"The ceramic place?" Luke confirmed.

"Yeah, the place that you can choose your plate and paint it and make it all pretty and then you get to take it home!" she said excitedly.

Luke rolled his eyes, debating whether or not to take her. It was her birthday, after all, he could agree congenially instead of rudely. He'd do it for her just this once. "All right. Then we should bring some things home for you to paint so you can be outta my hair while I fix this stuff for you!"

Lorelai hugged Luke. "Thank you, Luke, I'll go get my coat!"

Grinning, Lorelai recalled making the plate. "I still have my Luke plate."

"I thought I fully repressed the fact that you made a plate with a picture of me that you painted on it," Luke muttered.

She shook her head. "Apparently you didn't, buddy. You aren't very good at repression."

"Who died and made you Freud?" Luke asked.

"I'm not Freud, I'm Lorelai Gilmore, expert analyzer of stuff."

"Expert analyzer of stuff?"

"Yes. I analyze things. A lot. Almost as much as I milk things."

Luke rolled his eyes. "You milk things a lot?"

"Yes, I'm very Greg Focker, I milk cats," Lorelai teased.

His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "Huh?"

"Meet the Parents?"

Luke shook his head. "Never seen it," he insisted.

"Well, that's about to change. Next movie night, that's the one," Lorelai said. "I'll milk my free rental card."

"Free rental card?" Luke asked.

Lorelai got the mail from the mailbox and sorted through it. "Bill, bill, junk, In Style… must read that later… bill, bill, Rory we want to to join the coast guard… ooh! Video store stuff!"

Lorelai tore the letter open, and a plastic card dropped out. She smiled when she read the letter. "Dear Ms. Gilmore, we are pleased to give you one free rental as a token of our gratitude for your business. As one of our most valued customers, we appreciate your business and we look forward to seeing you again!" she read.

"Who's sucking up to you?" Rory asked, coming out of her bedroom.

"Ah, it's the video store, I got a free rental card, and it never expires," Lorelai said.

Rory smiled. "Cool, can we rent and mock the Brady Bunch movie tonight? I need a break from midterms."

Lorelai nodded. "Absolutely, kid. And while you're at it, let's rent one of the independent and obscure movies, they haven't gotten some Gilmore love in awhile."

Rory kissed Lorelai on the cheek. "Be back in a few minutes," she said.

Lorelai sorted through the mail and flipped through the magazine while Rory was out. She was reading about the best nail polish color to complement her complexion when Rory came back.

"Apparently there's some flaw with this card," Rory said.

Lorelai pouted. "You had to pay for both?" she asked.

Rory shook her head. "Even better. I paid for neither. Because it never expires, I rented both for free, seeing as how Kirk gave me the card back. You'd think it would keep the number in the computer, but noo! I got halfway back before I decided I wanted to try Blair Witch Project again, and Kirk asked me for the card again. I gave it to him, not thinking it would work, but it did!"

Lorelai took the card. "It's like wishing for unlimited wishes from a fairy godmother!"

"Or better," Rory replied.

Lorelai nodded. "That's so true. I love this card, his name is Curtis. Curtis the movie card."

Luke took the card that Lorelai handed him and inspected it. "Don't you think that everyone who works there by now knows you have this card?"

"Well, I use it on the new kids. Once. Then I use it on Taylor when he's in a hurry, or Kirk when he's not paying attention. Then I rent the others properly. I don't want my card to be cut up," she said, whispering the last two words.

"Why'd you whisper 'cut up'?" Luke asked.

Lorelai gasped. "He can hear you!" she hissed.

Luke rolled his eyes. "Ah, jeez," he said.