Hello & good morning my lovey readers! Hope everyone had a good holiday and had fun ringing in the New Year. I apologize that this did not go up sooner, however all the madness of the holidays has had me working overtime on the weekends and today is the first time in about three weeks that I can finally pull my head above water. Shout out to Valerie E. Mackin for giving this a read through. As always, comments & reviews are welcome, please PM me with any suggestions you may have. Also, we're getting down to the final chapters of this story so if you would like to see a continuation, now is the time to let me know.
Chapter 34
"Keep that up and I may never let you go home; Murphy will be down a brother and the city will be down a Saint." My head started falling forward towards my chest as Connor kept brushing his lips against my neck, occasionally sucking on my earlobe or nipping at the flesh between my neck and shoulder. His thumbs rubbing the pulse points in my wrists, relaxing me even further into the chair I currently occupied.
"It's a very tempting offer but I still have a job at da plant ta work. Killing da bad guys doesn't exactly pay all dat well unless dey leave dere cash lying around. Dere is dis one t'ing dat's been kind of eating away at me fer da past couple of hours. If da F.B.I. has been looking fer ya fer a couple of years now under one name, how is it ya made it all da way ta Boston and you were able ta get a job and go ta school without raising suspicions?"
"How about you go back to making me lose myself in you and I'll answer whatever leftover questions you have in the morning? Like you said the other day, how about you take care of me since I'm going to be stuck taking care of your brother for a while; at least until he's able to go back to work next week. Nothing you do has to lead into sex, what you're doing now is just fine."
"I suppose I could do dat, but I still want my questions answered before I leave fer work in da morning. You go on back ta yer drawings and I'll come get ya when I'm ready fer ya. Sound good?"
I nodded in agreement as he stopped and let me go, leaving his lips to linger on my neck just a little longer than previously; it seemed like a fair deal to me on the surface. I watched him disappear from the kitchen and heard my bedroom door open and shut. Underneath all of that though, I was pretty sure that Connor had some ulterior motive that would eventually lead to me going to bed with him. I was serious when I told him his actions didn't have to lead to sex. If he wanted the same opportunities that Murphy was getting he would have to learn that lesson eventually; my sex drive does not control my life, although the voice of that kinky little bitch inside my head likes to think otherwise. It was more enjoyable if it came as a natural response to the environment that brought it on as opposed to it being a forced act. That's not to say it couldn't be as pleasurable, but when something happens naturally it just feels better.
It was another one of those things that proved to me that Connor and Murphy were their own beings even though they were twins. Connor's mind was almost purely geared towards sex or something sex related while Murphy's mind tended to wander making him almost impossible to read or pick-up a vibe from.
With Murphy it was a natural progression; he took his time to make sure I was comfortable with what he had in mind but at the same time he could be spontaneous. He proved that to me earlier today while he was talking and I was cleaning, we got on the topic of how many languages he could speak and which ones. He told me that when they were in school, he really struggled to get the hang of Russian and German but he finally took the time during the weekends to sit down with a tutor until he didn't their help anymore. During their last year in school when they had to go to the government offices and get tested for their fluency exams, he impressed everyone there not only by getting every question on those exams correct but he also accepted offers from every University in the country that offered degrees in foreign language interpretation. He told me that he eventually decided against going to University altogether when things started getting tough at home, which is why they came to the states. The diversity of jobs that were offered plus better pay; they could live in cheap housing and send money back home in an effort to provide for their Ma after their Da left them.
The small story itself wasn't all that spontaneous, but surprising me and coming back with lunch was. My best guess would be that he probably went to the diner while he was taking the garbage out and I simply lost track of the time when I failed to notice that he hadn't come back yet. It wasn't that far of a walk, maybe 20 minutes roundtrip and if they weren't all that busy then it would've taken no time at all for him to order.
Connor on the other hand liked to live vicariously through his movies. He idolizes movie stars such as John Wayne, Charlie Bronson, and Clint Eastwood; I can't say that I blame him for picking such iconic stars but his ideas come from watching too many of their films. He enjoys a more fast-paced lifestyle that always involves a plan where things come together (sounds like Hannibal from the A-team, right?) In general, it's not a bad thing, but when I have spent one on one time with him he always comes up with a plan to get me out of my clothes. He's admitted that he doesn't fully work out the details beforehand but he has the basics laid out before I get there. This generally means he plans on getting me drunk and divesting me of every article of clothing I walked in with. As Murphy hinted at earlier this evening, spending Valentine's with Connor was just one of the many occasions in which one of his hair-brained schemes ended with the two of us having sex. Not that I'm against being wined and dined, but he could've just skipped all of that and gone straight to the theater. Though, I think, my idea was better: have sex, go to the theater, come back home, and have more sex. Connor told that under any other circumstance that he'd agree to that but with it being Valentine's he wanted to make it a little more special.
From what Connor's told me though this evening about their first hit as the Saints, he came up with the bright idea of crawling through an air vent and somehow a bunch of rope was supposed to come into play. I was more than impressed that they were able to pull that off without killing each other, but there is more than one way to skin a cat if you're going to take someone out. I probably shouldn't have put my two cents in when I offered up a few ideas that would've come straight out of the horror movies. More than likely they would've been scenes that were left on the cutting room floor because of the amount of gore that went with that kind of territory. The bug eyed look he had and his jaw silently opening and closing at the loss of words was the reaction I received when I relayed one story of a murder my ex committed out in the caves that I was a witness to. And that was one of the more humane, quick murders he committed; usually they'd be drawn out so the person would have to suffer until that moment when they drew their final breath.
As I poured myself over the pages of another sketch book my attention was drawn back to Connor who emerged from my bedroom with a bottle of my favorite lavender lotion and my bathrobe. I cocked an eyebrow and watched him as he approached the table again, setting the items down on the table across from me and returning to the seat that he previously occupied. I hadn't moved much during his absence and was starting to get a bit of a crick in my neck so his warm hands on my neck and shoulders were nothing short of a blessing in disguise.
"C'mon, got a bit of a surprise fer ya I t'ink yer gonna like." He whispered as he continued to dig his fingers into the sore muscles.
I carefully got up from the table and winced when my elbow locked up, finally popping as I reached my full height. It was the first time it had ever done that when I was around either of them and it was nothing short of painful.
"What da fuck was dat? Sounded like a bottle rocket going off. Might be a bit of a stupid question, but does it hurt when dat happens?" he asked, draping the robe over my shoulders and leading me into the bathroom.
"That would've been my elbow and yes it hurts like a motherfucker when it does happen which, unfortunately, is quite often. If I had to guess, I'd say it does that at least three or four times a day. If it's not my elbows popping, then it's most likely going to be my knees. Think of it as cracking your knuckles but the sound that's produced is amplified and so is the pain. What's behind door number one?"
"It's yer surprise. Not'ing special but as ya reminded me a little bit ago, I did say dat I was gonna take care of ya while yer taking time out of yer day ta play nurse ta me dumbass brudder. Figured after everyt'ing dat's happened dat dis would be a way ta get back inta yer good graces and when yer finished I t'ought I could send ya off ta bed more relaxed den ya've ever been in a long time."
He opened the door to the bathroom and flipped the switch on, illuminating the darkened room. It was nothing fancy or romantic, but it was certainly special and thoughtful. The bathtub was filled steaming water and smells of sandalwood, chamomile, and lavender filled the room. Connor may not have known that the smells and effectiveness of the oils dissipated with that much steam rising out of the tub but it was the thought that mattered. Today was rough on all of us and if this was Connor's way of trying to make it up to me then I'd certainly take this over make-up sex any day of the week.
"Just stay in dere fer about 10 minutes or so and I'll be back ta get ya out. Scout's honor, I will not do anyt'ing ta yer books in da kitchen. I don't like da fact dat yer keeping yer ex's stuff but since he's dead I'll lie ta meself and say it's just fer da sentimental value since ya don't have much of anyt'ing else ta remember him by."
"Connor," I waited until I had his undivided attention, "it's true I wanted those books for sentimental purposes, but this is the present not the past. I think you need this bath more than I do. Strip down and climb in, you'll feel better when you get out. Don't argue with me, just do it. Even though technically this isn't a house it is my place and my rules." I added, wrapping my hand around his arm.
When he finally turned to face me after letting out a heavy sigh, I reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled it up over his head, tossing it in the sink. There were countless times that I've taken this man's shirt off and tossed it elsewhere, but tonight was the first time that I started taking in the smaller details. Both him and Rocco were telling me different stories of some of their hits and the use of an iron being used as a means of cauterizing their wounds. I let my fingers wander over the vast surface of flesh and muscle, tracing the outline and holes the hot iron left behind, letting my curious mind wonder what caused the various injuries that marred and maimed him.
Next I worked on getting the belt through the loops of his jeans and finally the jeans themselves until they were pooled around his feet. Again, I caught sight of another iron impression. Connor mentioned the first time they had ever been shot at was by an old man who got him in the leg. He was almost certain that the bullet was still in there. Once more, my curious mind wanted to find out for sure if the bullet was in there and there was one of two ways that I could think of to find out: take a trip to the hospital for an x-ray or look for an exit wound when he turned around. Since Connor is one of the Saints, going for an x-ray was out of the question so I guess looking for an exit wound was going to be the way to settle my curiosity.
Stepping behind him, I gave him a small shove towards the bathtub and waited until he got in before I left the room, gently closing the door behind me. No iron marks on the back of his leg, no exit; I guess that bullet is still in there somewhere. I knew he meant well with his actions and I really did appreciate the gesture but he was the one in need of some TLC tonight, not me. Afterall, it was my fault in the first place that everything has happened the way it has in the past couple of days. He seemed to be more than a little frustrated with me that I was putting him before me, but this was just another one of those quirks I had about me. I'm more than certain my sister told them that; it was something that I couldn't help. I'm just the kind of person to put everyone else's wants and needs above my own. Honestly, I'm not even sure my wants and needs have a place on the list. If I was being completely honest though, I do know what I want and I do know what I need; I've had that figured out for a while, long before I met the twins. My wants and needs are just too messed up to be brought to fruition.
I retreated back to the kitchen, opened the fridge, and took out the bottle of Jack that I always kept in there for nights such as this when I just felt like drinking and reminiscing. I probably would end up crying myself to sleep tonight over these memories but the alcohol would at least numb the pain. Glancing up at the clock that hung just above the stove, I saw that it was now 12:19 in the morning. At least I wouldn't have to worry too much about work for a while. Once news broke out about my arrest, Charlie left me a voicemail saying he packed what little things I had at the office and would drop them off in the morning; he'd also be collecting my security badge at that time. He ended the call with "I can't be friends with a felon." Maybe if Connor is still here in the morning, he could make the exchange so I don't have to see Charlie. It was best to start weeding those kinds of people out of my life as quickly as I could.
There is a big difference between those who call themselves your friends and those who are really your friends. Those who call themselves your friend will kick you to the curb the first chance they get; those who are really your friends will have your back no matter what. In this case, I was more than lucky to have met Connor, Murphy, and Rocco when I did otherwise I'm not sure what would've happened to me. Sure they were doing what Smecker told them but it was just a good feeling to have them believe that I didn't do any of the shit that I was accused of.
"Hey Red? Can ya come in here real quick?"
Glancing back up at the clock it now read 12:32 am. I scooted the chair back and got up once again with my joints locking, this time it was my knee that popped as I hobbled through the hallway down to the bathroom. All mannerisms aside, I cautiously opened the door to find Connor still standing right where I left him dry as a bone and the water virtually untouched. What the hell could he have been doing in here the past 13 minutes?
"What's up?"
"I've been t'inking, maybe we could share da tub?"
"And you've been thinking about this for the last 15 minutes, is that right?" I asked with a smirk, cocking a brow and folding my arms across my chest.
"Had a bit of a problem I needed ta take care of before I asked since yer trying ta convince me dat my actions don't always have ta be sexual driven."
"From the looks of it, it wasn't a small problem you were dealing with, was it?"
Connor stood on the rug that I had laid out in front of the tub sporting a half-hard cock that continued to drip onto the rug; he held a dark blue hand towel in one hand that was balled up in his fist and his chest heaved just slightly. It was just a shame that I was not invited to the show.
"It was a rather large problem but I handled it meself ta best of my abilities. Now about sharing dis tub?"
"If it was that big of a problem, you should've let me know; I would've helped. You do realize that this tub will barely allow you to stretch your legs out, right? I mean you're what, six feet tall or something."
"We're 5'11" ta be exact short stuff. I did dis just fer you and yer trying ta get out of it by turning everyt'ing around ta make it seem like my needs are greater den yers. Let's just call da whole t'ing off and share da tub."
He brought his hand up that held the wadded up towel and aimed for the laundry basket that resided at the other end of the enclosed space. I watched as he released the towel, sending it flying over my shoulder and falling just short of basket's opening.
It can wait until tomorrow.
"Alright, you win; we'll share the tub. It's going to be a tight fit though. By the way, it's not nice to make fun of someone a whole 7" shorter than you are. We short girls know how to cause more mayhem then a pair of Irish, gun-toting twins." I told him, dropping my arms down to reach for the bottom of my tank top.
"I don't doubt dat, look at all da trouble ya've caused in da span of a day." His voice was light-hearted as he said it, but I knew I caused a fair amount of trouble not only for him and Murphy but for a multitude of other people as well.
Connor stopped me though, stepping into my space and pulled the garment off letting it drop to the floor somewhere by our feet. He rested his cheek against mine and started whispering into my ear what I hoped to be terms of endearment in Italian. Pressing his chest into mine, I felt his fingertips dance along my sides until they reached around my back trying to unhook my bra. I couldn't help smiling as he cursed under his breath about the number of hooks mine had and unable to understand why I wore one with so many.
"Because I like to watch your face as you struggle." I said, pulling away from the warmth that his body offered and reached around with one hand to unclasp the offending fabric.
"Show off." He laughed, using one hand to pull it down my shoulders and tossing it in the sink on top of his shirt that I had thrown there earlier.
His hand found its way to the small of my back, fingers splaying across the expanse of flesh, drawing me closer than I was previously. The other hand gently slid up my spine until his fingers found the rubber band that held my hair in place, giving it a slight tug. When my hair was finally released from its bindings, Connor used his fingers to spread it out carefully across my neck, shoulders, and back. The tip of his nose brushing lightly against my ear as he inhaled the strawberry scented perfume that was my shampoo and conditioner.
Gradually, he worked his hands towards my neck. Fingers working in tandem to relieve the painful crick that had developed from being hunched over earlier in the evening. A pair of thumbs swept back and forth over my lower jaw. I couldn't stop myself from closing my eyes and allowing my head to fall forward once again, this time using Connor's shoulder as a headrest. A soft chuckle interrupted the flow of foreign words he continued to whisper in my ear.
In a moment of detached thought, I brought my hands up to encircle his waist, drawing him impossibly closer. His thumbs seize their movements, stopping just shy of my chin; lifting my head from his shoulder to gently cradle my face. I kept my eyes closed, allowing the steam that rose from the tub to immerse the room in a haze of fog and Connor's scent. His lips barely touched my forehead before disappearing.
Connor's hands slowly slipped from my neck and jaw, sliding slowly downwards to my shoulders. Once they were settled in place, I could feel the muscles in his fingers digging into my flesh. I pulled my head back further, allowing a bit of breathing room between us. His arms twisting slightly, silently asking me to turn my back to him. He pulled me back into the heated plane of his chest, lightly dragging his short nails down the length of my arms stopping at my wrists. Taking a gentle hold of my wrists, he brought my arms up to his neck. Instinctively, my fingers ensnared the hairs at the nape of his neck before moving them to bring his face down to my neck. Yet again, he continued whispering unknown words in several languages in my ear as my head continually fell back onto his shoulder.
The slight movement of his jaw unhinging and his teeth scraping against my neck had a sigh escaping past my lips. The feeling of relaxation that Connor was causing me was interrupted momentarily as his jagged nails ran down my sides; the goosebumps springing up instantaneously in their wake. His hands came to rest at the hem of the sweatpants, thumbs hooked on either side of the waistband that sat on my hips. His voice quietly in my ear asking something in one of the many languages that I could not understand.
"If you're going to ask questions, please do so in English."
"But it's okay fer you ta show off yer own linguistic skills, huh? It was French; was asking if I could finish undressing ya. Da heat of da water won't last all night."
"That was an accidental slip of the tongue earlier, you weren't supposed to know that I speak Irish, but since the cat's out of the bag I guess you should know that I speak Spanish too."
"Yer just full of secrets, aren't ya?"
"I am and you may finish what you started."
Connor worked the sweatpants and the panties off my hips ensuring that the closeness that had developed between the two of us remained intact. I was forced to release the light hold I had on his neck as he moved around to face me. His hands and fingers ceased their movements as he took the time to seemingly memorize the finer details of my body. With every new sliver of skin that was revealed, Connor would pause and carefully take his time in making sure that I was still okay with what he was doing; his eyes pleading, almost begging me to let him keep going. I didn't want him to stop; I had developed an unspoken need for him to keep going until the last stitch of clothing was gone. With each pause, his hands caressed what he discovered. On occasion, he would kiss a scar that my ex had given me. To me, it seemed like he was trying to kiss the past and any pain it caused away.
There was nothing behind me to keep me upright as Connor ventured lower, gradually getting to his knees to finally help remove the garments that pooled at my feet. I was so relaxed that I never felt Connor lift my hands onto his shoulders for balance as he carefully extracted one foot, then the other from the sweatpants I was wearing.
"Can we stay just like dis? Can da world just go and fuck itself while we stay just as we are now in dis moment?"
His words were hushed, his voice was pleading. I was brought out of my dreamlike state to find Connor still on his knees, hugging me to him. A small tremor escaped from his tightly tensed arms as I could feel his bottom lip slightly quivering against my stomach.
"If only this world didn't need you as much as it does we could. For now though, it seems as though the world is allowing us a small rip in time to have this moment to ourselves."
My arms wrapped around him as I did my best to comfort him. Sometimes all anyone ever needs is someone to hug them, to hold them and let them know that they are cared for. I've never been good with words, but as the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words. I only hope is enough for Connor to know that I have enough in me to love him just as much as I do Murphy even though, right now, I don't have it in me to say those three words.
Connor said nothing further as he rose to his feet, carefully grasping my chin between his thumb and forefinger to lift my head. He waited until I brought my gaze up to meet his, a small smile twitched on his lips and a tiny light started appearing in his eyes that was not there before.
"What?"
"Just wondering how ya manage ta do da t'ings ya do ta me."
"What do you mean?"
"Mind if we climb in first before I tell ya? Dat water's doing not'ing but getting colder by da minute."
I agreed to his request, his moment of trepidation was starting to peak through the brightness of his eyes and if he was working this hard to get me to relax, then I should work equally as hard to do the same for him. Since my tub didn't have any doors or towel bars to hang onto, Connor got in first then helped me to get seated in between his legs. It would've been quite a comical sight for anyone to watch as I tried to avoid sitting on the MacManus family jewels as Connor liked to call them. He had nothing to say when I reminded him there was more than one set of jewels that ran in the family; Murphy's worked just as well as his.
"To be honest, I don't t'ink I like ya wearing Murph's clothes and ya were right, dis is a very tight fit."
"Well you weren't feeling very generous last night when I asked if I could borrow something more comfortable to sleep in before you left." I reminded him, leaning back into his chest, resting my head on his shoulder, my eyes drifting shut as the heat enveloped me wholly.
"I was angry and hurt, I wasn't about ta let ya wear me clothes. Hopefully dis is all behind us now and ya don't have any more skeletons falling out of da closet."
I've got a graveyard of skeletons in mine, but I don't think they're quite on the same scale of this one. But no one has to know the whole story unless I want them to.
"Why don't you tell me what you meant a little bit ago? What is that I do to you?"
"I've had dis problem since I was a kid. Any woman who's managed ta get ta me as much as you have, I tend ta start speaking in tongues ta try and best explain how I feel about dat person. You've got me saying what I feel fer ya in every language I can speak except English and with da exception of Irish and Spanish, I know ya probably don't have da slightest clue of what I'm trying ta tell ya."
"You're right, I don't know what you're saying or what it is that you are trying to say to me. I can only pick out a few words in French and Italian only because they are closely related to Spanish. Why don't you just give it a try and see what happens when you tell me in English?"
Once again, Connor brushed my hair over my shoulder and started assaulting my neck and shoulders once more with his lips and fingers. The smell of the oils began to dissipate the longer we sat in the tub as did the warmth of the water, but I waited patiently until Connor was able to find the words to say. However, the longer we sat in the water, the more I could feel the tension begin to rise once again. Gradually, I lifted my arms out of the water, reaching my hands up to take Connor's from my shoulders. Laying them on my legs, I let my fingers drift over the tops of his hands in an attempt to bring him back into the moment.
"Before I met you and Murphy, after I left Utah, I lived in Chicago for a couple of months. I was living there just before coming here. I had been seeing someone at the time and I discovered that for a man who loved to talk, he struggled to find the right words to say around women. He was a nervous wreck when he asked me out that first time and the entire time we were together on that first date he fought a lot with himself to strike up a conversation and keep it going. I finally asked him what was wrong and do you know what he told me?"
Silence hung in the air as I waited for Connor to answer.
"What'd he tell ya?"
"He told me that he cannot express what he feels verbally because every time he tried, he ended up getting a slap to the face or called a pervert. I asked him if he could try to express what he felt for me in another medium whether it be writing or a work of art. He told me that if I agreed to go out with him a second time then he'd be able to tell me what it was he wanted to say. I told him I would and the next time we went out, he took me to this run down warehouse; he was in a band that was performing at this place. His band gets on stage and does their thing. The second to last song they did he made it known that he had written it as a way to say how he felt about me when he couldn't do it the first time.
"Connor, I think you have the same issue that this guy did. You are a man of many words, but words that involve feelings and expressing emotion for another person trip you up. I'm not going to push you and ask that you do it right this minute, but maybe if you wrote down, in English, all those words you were whispering to me I may be able to better understand what it is you are trying to tell me."
"It's a good idea, but how about I try it my way first and if I still can't den I'll try it yer way."
"You do whatever you feel comfortable with."
Another momentary pause came between us as the water started making small waves against the sides of the tub. Connor had removed his hands from my legs, bringing them up to graze along the sides of my arms.
"You scare me more den any person I've ever met in me life. Murph is one t'ing, he's me brudder and me twin, he's supposed ta do fucked up shit like dat ta always keep me on me toes. But you've got me scared on a whole ot'er level. Never really had ta use me heart ta make da decisions, it's always been what me brain tells my body ta do. Anyone dat I was with before you came along generally rented a small space in me mind but got moved aside fer anot'er a couple of days later; you've managed ta grab ahold of my heart while it's still beating. When yer not around it feels broken somehow and I'll spend all day trying ta fix it ta no avail. It's like I'm fucking miserable when yer not within earshot or I can't just open da door and find ya in one of a few rooms.
"Yesterday, it felt like I got da wind knocked out of me after seeing yer mugshot come up on da news and den dis morning when I woke up at Roc's ta find out dat his boss wanted ta bring ya in as a hired gun ta take us out it felt like a ton of bricks just dropping on top of me. Seeing yer mugshot, I t'ought I'd never see ya again and ya'd never know how it was I felt about ya. It was almost like having da rug pulled out from under me and ya never knowing dat dere was more den one crazy Irish bastard dat cared about ya."
"Is that why you woke me up this morning?"
I had no idea what time it was, I just remembered being in such a deep sleep after my third nightmare and Murphy pulling me into his chest reminding me that he wasn't going anywhere. The next thing I know the door is being slammed shut and Connor's on his knees, violently shaking me awake. He all but pulled me off the bed to hug me to him; he was running his hands everywhere he could possibly touch to ensure that it was not a dream.
"I needed ta know dat you were alright. I know Murph would've taken care of ya if anyt'ing were ta happen but I needed ta know fer meself."
"I know."
"I called Ma a few weeks ago while Murph was still laid up in da hospital. It was just a few days before Valentine's when I took ya out, but it was when ya still stayed da night at da hospital with him ta make certain fer yerself dat he was doing alright. I had told Ma dat since dat first night we had together dat I had pretty much stopped sleeping around with random women and was looking ta take meself off da market, so ta speak. She t'ought I was talking crazy, dat I was only looking ta be doing dat so I could stop wearing a rubber all da damn time. She was only joking of course but I told her dat I was being serious. I never told her it was you, t'ough I t'ink she had an inkling; told her dat I loved dat ya took care of me when I needed it, how ya can get me ta relax just by being da same room as me, and ya can put me back in me place when I start stepping out of line. Know dat yer not religious, but ya chastise me fer taking da Lord's name in vain when da occasion calls fer it; I can see how uncomfortable it makes ya when we say Grace just before dinner, but ya let us do what we need ta do without question.
"It's one t'ing ta surround meself with friends and family, ta call someplace home. Its anot'er ta have someone like you come crashing in and slowly put me broken heart back together again. I've never told any ot'er person dis and only a select few know about it. Shortly after we moved here, I met someone and it was pretty serious. Long story short, she ripped me heart out and walked all over it because she claimed ta have found someone better den me. She said dat she never really loved me and dat I was not'ing but a toy fer her ta play with. After dat, I just stopped caring. Dere were times dat I'd have girlfriends but none of 'em could ever rise ta meet my standards. I don't ask fer much, but I do ask dat if ya choose ta be with me dat ya be honest on all fronts, don't go after me brudder and use us ta fulfill dat fantasy of a t'reesome, accept me as I am because I do have faults. I can see it when ya look at me dat ya do love me; ya may never be able ta da words but I can look in yer eyes and know its dere. Its dere fer me and its dere fer Murph; da way dat ya look at me I know dat I don't have ta be alone anymore. Ya've managed ta put me back together and I've never felt so whole. I don't want eit'er of us ta be alone anymore and I don't want ya ta leave like dat ever again."
"Connor, I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you like I did and I never meant to scare you either. I had another nightmare last night after you left. I told Murphy that the reason I did what I did was because I was afraid that you were both going to leave me. I told Murphy that in my mind it felt like it would be easier if I left that way I could always say that neither of you left me. Can you forgive me?"
The water continued to make small waves around us as I waited for Connor to reply. He needs to know the truth of what happened in Utah as much as Murphy did.
"I already have, just tell me what happened from beginning ta end of how dis all started. I know ya told Murph and I know ya told Smecker, but I need ta hear fer meself."
"You mean from the very beginning? Why I was out in Utah in the first place?"
"Dat would be da beginning. When yer sister was here she told me and Murph both dat you were 'normal' before yer ex got his claws inta ya."
"Just so you know, you are not going to like what you're about to hear and there are going to be times where you'll be as pissed off as you were earlier tonight. Just don't fly off the handle before I finish, okay? Three years ago, it'll be four in June, I was headed to Oregon for my first field job as an archaeologist. They were offering $15 an hour plus room and board and a few other benefits. It was scheduled to last for a total of eight weeks; I decided to leave St. Louis a few weeks early to see Great Salt Lakes Park and do a little bit of sight-seeing on the west coast before heading up north for the job. I had just crossed the state line into Utah when I got a flat tire, pulled over and got out to change it.
"Just as I was putting the nuts back on, this red truck pulls up next to me, guy asked if I needed hand and when I told him I was fine he made mention that he owned up a shop not far from where I was and it was the last gas station for a good while. I stored that little piece of information away for when I got back into the car; it had to have been pushing nearly 100 degrees that day and I was fucking exhausted just from changing that damn tire. He drove off and I finished up with the tire, I put the flat in the trunk and figured that if he owns a shop maybe he could patch it up and put it back on so I didn't have to drive around on a spare just in case it happened again. I was down to about half a tank when I got back in the car and saw the sign for last gas for the next fifty miles; decided to find the station and fill up.
"I saw the truck before I saw him, he was leaning against the side of the building with his foot propped up on the wall, a cigarette in his mouth and his coveralls tied around his waist. I took one look at him and just knew I was in trouble when he kicked off the wall and made his way over to the pumps. Asked me bluntly when the last time I got laid was and that if I was willing he'd have me screaming his name in less than a minute. Before him, the last time I had gotten laid was right around a year and a half. I was so busy trying to finish school and with papers to write and studying to do sex just wasn't a priority. That and the person I had slept with had absolutely no skills in the bedroom, he admitted later that he was a virgin."
"Ya gotta start somewhere and you must've been special enough ta him ta allow you dat privilege."
"No, he said that he was 23 and in college and needed to 'experiment.' He was probably just another frat boy or a pledge looking to prove himself. Anyway, I followed him to a motel room that was just across the parking lot from the shop. Spent an hour in that room with him before leaving and going back out to the car."
"So on a scale of 1 ta 10 how was he or do I want ta know?"
"Since you're asking, overall I'd give him a 13. He had a cock to match his ego and he kept his promise of having me scream his name in less than a minute, he threw me across the room like a ragdoll, and when I finally had him inside me, oh dear God was it ever satisfying. It was like I finally had someone big enough to hit all the right places at the same time and after not having sex for a year and a half it was just about the best thing on the planet. He bit me and drew blood in a couple of different places, he spanked me until my ass had welts. He understood that I could handle being roughed up like that and I wasn't going to break. Then when he was done, I couldn't walk straight."
"Sorry I asked, I guess I don't measure up ta him, do I?"
"You do but you don't and that's okay. The difference between you and him is that you care about the fact that I'm taken care of before letting yourself go, he never cared whether or not I got off. He was a meth addict and all he really cared about was when he could get that next hit and part of dealing with an addict is having to deal with all of their addictions. For him, his addiction was meth and sex. He wanted a pussy that he could bury his dick in and be done with the person until the next time. After that hour, I never planned on seeing him again. Connor, trust me when I say that you have nothing to worry about, I know you probably will worry from here on out about whether or not you are enough for me. You are more than enough for me and so is Murphy. Keep in mind, this is the past we are talking about not the here and now."
"I understand, guess I just needed dat reassurance."
"It's okay to need reassurance, everyone needs it. Do you want me to keep going?"
"Yeah, it's da only way dat I'll ever get da closure I need in order ta help make t'ings better fer da future. Healing old wounds and all of dat."
"We left the motel room after the hour was up, he went back inside the shop and I went back to the car. Someone popped my trunk open and opened my suitcases; my clothes and everything I brought with me were thrown all over the place and a couple pairs of underwear were missing. I heard something dripping onto the ground and looked under the car to find something leaking out. My dad's a mechanic so he only taught me and my sister a few things but I knew that it wasn't motor oil leaking out. I picked up what I could off the ground and threw it all into the car, grabbed my purse, and went inside the shop. Found him underneath an Impala pulling parts out left and right, asked him to tow it in then made small talk until about quitting time. He brought it in and said that whoever did it put a hole in my coolant reserve tank and ended up puncturing a hole through my floor boards and started ripping wires out. On top of that, they cut my brake line. Looking back on it all, I'm more than certain that the whole thing was orchestrated by him to get me to stay for as long as possible.
"Made a deal with him that if he put a rush order in on the parts that he could fuck me morning, noon, and night as long as I didn't show my face in the shop or go near it until the car was fixed. A week later, I'm on my out to Oregon for the job. Staying there for a full week cost me all the time I wanted to spend sight-seeing on the west coast."
"Why'd ya go back? If da job lasted fer two months, why didn't ya just go home when you were done working?" Connor hands were on my back once more, this time pushing me forward slightly so he could work a little bit on the middle of my back.
"He told me something before I left, something that played on repeat every hour of every day for those two months. The closer I got to Utah, the more those words pulled me back to that place. I made a last minute decision and called home the day I got back to where it all started. I told them that I had met someone and was going to take my chances out there. Naturally they were pissed but I was grown and it was my choice, there wasn't much they could say or do to get me to change my mind on the subject. I got a room for a couple of days at the motel across from the shop, it was actually the only motel in the area everything else was rental homes. His dad pretty much owned the entire town: owned the bar, owned the motel, owned nearly every house that he rented out.
"I hope you understand, at least for now, I'm not going to tell you what he said. Just know that his words are ingrained in every fiber of my being and even though he's gone I still try to live my life as if he were still here. I hate to admit it, but he possessed me like no other person has ever done before and it felt right. I know my sister wished I had come out this way all those years ago instead of out west but the woman I was then would not have been able to survive on these Boston streets for very long."
"We would've taken care of ya when we found ya."
"The woman I was before never would've ventured this far out of the city, the only way you would've found me would be if I accidentally wound up on the wrong train or if someone dragged me out here to go bar-hopping. I never would've carried a gun and had enough balls to use it on another person or take the safety off and get ready to point it at Murphy's face. I would've let that guy in the alley do just about anything to me out of fear in the vain hope that he wouldn't kill me when he was finished."
"What happened da night ya got back?"
"Went to the bar and got something to eat, something to drink and just started talking with his dad. I didn't know they were father and son at the time so I made up some story about how I started researching the area and was doing some preliminary test digs to see if I could find anything that may have been related to one of the Native American tribes that once occupied the area several hundred years ago. He told me to be careful, that there were a lot of dangers out in the canyons. The people were to be feared more than the coyotes. He started telling me that caves were scattered all over the place and avoid all of them, they were the mouths of hell that the devil would use at random to try and tempt or corrupt good people and make them into monsters. The way he spoke, it was like he was telling a story to a child and in a way I think he did see me as a child.
"Before I met him and his father, I knew very little Spanish. I took a couple years of it in high school and a little bit in college while I was an undergrad but his dad was the one who taught me to speak it fluently. Wanted to make sure that if I got myself in a situation that looked impossible to get out of that I could make myself useful by gathering intel; they would be less likely to suspect a woman being fluent in Spanish. Anything they talked about I could go back to them and they would deal with it accordingly.
"It came in handy; a deal they had set up had gone bad. The buyers thought the product was a fake, thought it was powdered sugar or something. They came during the night, followed him to the house and waited until he left. They quietly came through the house; he never locked the door, never saw the point in it because no one was ever crazy enough to go near it with that crazy fucking dog he had, let alone venture inside. They found me in bed sleeping, taped my mouth shut, cuffed me to the bed and blindfolded me. I let him do quite a bit to me, but he knew better than to put anything over my mouth. The first and only time he did that I ended up in a full-blown panic attack and broke my arm trying to get the gag off. He never apologized for anything but that time he did. I was having another panic attack with the tape being over my mouth, I don't know if my phone slipped off the pillow or what but it was a piece of crap that would butt-dial the last number called if you hit it just right. It called him while he was working in the caves; he came rushing home and had some friends with him. It was a stroke of sheer dumb luck that it happened.
"I was still blindfolded so I don't know what happened but when it was all over he started asking questions. Everything they had been saying was in Spanish and it was in that moment I was thankful for all of his old man's lessons. Their plan was to get the product they had been promised and take four times as much back then they were going to kill me; send a message to everyone that worked in the caves that they were serious, to not fuck with them. I tried to keep my shit together but having a piece of tape over my mouth I couldn't really focus."
"What sent him over da edge?"
"They had a knife to my throat and were using me as a human shield. I guess they thought I was just some pawn or whore that could be easily disposed of. I remember hearing his voice when he came home and it helped bring a sense of calm until they started to press the knife further into my throat; those fuckers actually started slicing my neck open. Then a gun went off and for a whole minute I thought someone shot me and I was going to die. The pressure on my throat eased up but I still couldn't process what was happening because of the shock that started setting in."
"He had every reason ta go as fucking crazy as he did, I would've too if it had been me and I found ya like dat. What'd he do when he saw ya back in town?"
"He came bursting through the doors of the bar shouting 'whiskey' and banging his hand on the bar top. I guess the old man was going too slow for his liking so he just reached over the bar and pulled an unopened bottle out from underneath. He caught sight of me talking to the old man and taking a drink from the beer bottle, the next thing I know he's got a hand on my ass, squeezing, and his voice in my ear saying 'mine.' The old man got a couple of shot glasses out and set them up on the bar before leaving to go back to the kitchen. He filled each glass and threw my bottle on the floor, told me I was drinking whiskey tonight, not that watered down shit. Five shots later I was just buzzed enough to let him take me back to the motel and fuck me senseless. Told him why I came back when he asked. I wasn't looking for a relationship when I went back, just someone to kind of fool around with, who could give me what it was that I wanted, what I craved and he did.
"I went back to the bar the next day when it opened and asked his old man about getting a house to rent. Told him that at the moment I didn't have much in the way of money since my bank didn't have any branches that far out so I would need to go back home to pack my stuff up and get everything in order. He didn't have a problem giving me a two week grace period to get my shit together. The house that he rented out to me wasn't very far down the road from where he lived, matter of fact it sat right in the middle between his and his son's. We had to drive past his son's house to get to the one that I was going to be living in. I caught sight of his red truck pulled up next to the house and the dog that was just going absolutely fucking insane inside of a small enclosure. It was basically a chicken wire fence the size of my kitchen table.
"I stayed the night in the house after giving the old man a partial payment of what I owed. The house pretty much had everything I needed and checked just about every box off on the list. Kitchen to cook in, washer, dryer, and a pot to piss in that actually flushed. He told me about a house just a bit further up the road that had fallen into near disrepair. The family had been refusing to sell it to him just in case the kids wanted to come to back out and needed a place to stay. He told me the toilet had been broken for years and if anyone was crazy enough to live in that house they'd have to shit in the yard."
"Kind of like going camping, huh?" Connor laughed a bit as the sound of water sloshed around, a washcloth on my left shoulder a few seconds later and water running down my back brought back a painful memory that had me angrily wiping the silent tears from my eyes. We'll get to that one another time.
"I guess, instead of bears you get to deal with coyotes. My first night in the house went as well as could be expected when you move someplace that isn't home. Tossed and turned for hours until I couldn't stand it anymore. Got out of bed and threw in a load of laundry. I was shutting the lid of the washer and had just turned around when I saw him standing next to the machine the glow of his cigarette and the smoke that billowed out from it was the only indication that he was there. I never heard that sneaky fucker come in, well actually he broke in; found out later he picked the lock on the front door and let himself in. He trapped me in the laundry room, reached behind me and changed the settings on the washer to the spin cycle, extra spin, and went to town on me."
I paused to try and turn around in the tub a little bit. The impressions of his teeth from the first mark he had ever given me were on my left side in the middle of my ribcage. They were deep enough that he drew blood that first time and every time after that he'd make sure that if I didn't have a new mark that the first would always remain prominent.
"How could ya let him do dat to ya? Why didn't I ever notice dat before?"
Connor let the washcloth drop into the tub with a splash, his fingers tracing over the outlines of the teeth impressions, his brows knitted in concern and confusion.
"I let him because I wanted him too. It all circles back to that craving I had developed after that hour I spent with him two months prior. You and Murphy both notice virtually everything so I don't know why neither of you noticed. Shit, you didn't notice any of the marks I had until tonight when I told you about his name being carved into my neck. Would you have noticed it was there if I never said anything?"
"No, I wouldn't have paid it any attention. What happened after dat?"
I was pulled back into his chest, his arms encircling me as the heat of the water continued to dissipate.
"Left a couple of days later to go back home and pack my stuff. Two weeks later I was back in town, paid the rest of what I owed the old man and took a couple of jobs to get the bills paid. Worked part-time in the bar in the evenings and worked part-time in the shop during the day running the office. Both jobs paid in cash and I refused to take anything less as payment. I didn't know about the drugs until a few weeks later. It was a Friday, just before closing; this guy came in looking like shit and blitzed out of his fucking mind. Started asking for him and when I told him that he was busy with something he started tearing the fucking place apart. He heard what was going on and came in to find out what all of the ruckus was about. Saw the tweaker and got this look on his face, I can't really describe it but it's the look you and Murphy both get when you're pissed and there's nothing I can do to stop you from going off the deep end.
"Took him outside and I started trying to get the place cleaned up as soon as they left. I had just gotten the order forms for the different parts back in order when he came back inside; looked at me and said that if that guy or anyone else came in looking like that and looking for him to just come and get him, he'd take care of it. I saw him stuffing a wad of cash in his pocket and a bag of white stuff into the other. I didn't say anything because I didn't know the full story and didn't want to jump to conclusions. Closing time came and I had him sign a couple of checks so that parts he ordered got paid for on time as well as the rental company he got the tow truck from; he had just a few more payments to make before the title was his and it became one less thing to worry about."
"When did ya confront him on da drugs?"
"He'd been coming over to my place for sex just about every night by that time. He was getting out of the bed to leave, pulling his pants on and something fell out of the pocket and landed on the bed. I don't think he even realized it happened because when I asked him about what it was he had he wrapped his hand around my throat and told me if I ever breathed a word about what it was he had to another person he'd slit my throat, watch me slowly bleed to death before he fucked my lifeless body and threw it into the canyons; no one would ever know what happened and there would be no search party to look for whatever remained after the vultures were done picking my eyes out of my skull."
"And yet ya turned da blind eye and let him do da t'ings ta ya dat he did."
"I kept my mouth closed and turned the blind eye, in exchange he told me to move in with him. It wasn't a request, it was 'you are moving in and you will do as I say if you want to keep breathing.' After moving in, I got him to very slowly open up about how it all started for him. How his father could do that to him and make him into the person that he was. Then I found out he had a half-brother and learned how he treated the two of them differently. For the next two years I was slowly introduced to his world, the more trust we built between the two us the more he trusted me to keep his secrets. Two years later, his brother comes back to town with his sister, girlfriend, cousin, and a friend. They were looking to finally get that dilapidated piece of shit house sold and the old man had a cash offer for them. I had taken off work at both the bar and the shop the day they came to town, I had a doctor's appointment that day. No, I was not pregnant. We were hiking on the canyons the day before and I slipped and fell down the face of one of the canyons. I thought I had broken something and despite his reassurances that I had not, I wanted the opinion of a trained professional. My ankle not broken but it was sprained and swollen pretty bad. Gave me a bunch of pain pills and told me to keep it up and iced.
"I got to the bar just before they showed up and just before he closed the shop for the night. The old man was nice enough to give me a bag of ice for my ankle and helped me get it propped up on a chair. He already had my dinner on the grill before I walked in. The five of them came in and sat at a table not far from where I was and ordered beers and water, took a couple of menus as well. He came in not long after their drinks were laid out on the table. Told them he was surprised to see them there after what had happened to them about 10 years prior. I asked him about it later that night but that's for another time.
"All six of them were royally pissing me off, I had gone to the bar to kind of unwind and relax. What I ended up with was a noisy room of delinquents. His brother's girlfriend tried to break the tension in the room, put some song on the jukebox and told him to dance with her. It was torture having to sit at the table with my ankle on ice and watch some bitch dance with my man; he added to that torment by grabbing her ass and she didn't make it any better by grinding herself on him. I took it out on him later that night when he finally brought his ass home.
"Couple of days later this same fucking bitch shoves him off the side of one of the canyons and I had to bury him in our place. Not even his old man knew about that place, hell no one but the two of us knew about that place. I stayed for about six or seven months after that to get things packed up and moved out. That was when everything happened that led to his old man getting killed."
We finally called it a night after I commented that his fingers looked raisins and the skin under my toe nails were turning colors.
"Just so ya know, I know dat's not da whole story; I want da rest of it by da end of da night."
I got out of the tub first and had just leaned over the tub to pull stopper up to allow the water to drain when Connor pulled himself to his knees, placing a hand on the side of my face to draw my attention back to him. Neither of us said anything as we continued looking at each other; the silence was filled by the sounds of the last bit of water draining down the rusted pipes. Before releasing me Connor leaned in and whispered into my ear a phrase in Irish that caused my heart to nearly freeze, but at least now I know how he truly felt. The look in his eyes held the truth of his words. When he released my face he stood, grabbed the towel that had been lying on the back of the toilet and wrapped it around his waist. He then picked up the bathrobe that was forgotten off the hook on the back of the door, draping it around my shoulders and led me through the walk-in closet into the bedroom.
"Lay down on yer stomach and close yer eyes." He told me, carefully taking the robe off before dimming the lights down.