It was 2:13 in the morning. She knew because the nurse said it. The exactness of it comforted her. It was comforting in an odd way to know the exact moment when your world fell apart. Before 2:13 she was happy. Now she was not.
It happened quickly. She had been sleeping, curled up in her chair, beside the bed. The steady beeping of the monitors were like a strange, distant lullaby. She had been dreaming about her dog Spot. He had died when she was seven. She didn't really know how Spot had managed to make his way into her subconscious.
Suddenly the monitors changed. The beeping went from a lullaby to an alarm. She stood up. She looked at her mother. She knew almost immediately. That she was dying that is.
The nurses came. They did everything they could. That's what they said anyway. 2:13. The world didn't really matter anymore, but she cried anyway. The tears were for her mother. And the fact that she was gone. But they were also for herself. And the fact that she was still here.
xxx
They didn't know what to do now that she was gone. It was almost as if their lives had faded away while they were sitting in the room. He looked at her. His eyes were confused and also immensely sad.
Someone came and took her away. "She's gone," her father said.
Lexie felt raw and hopeless. She didn't want to feel this way. She didn't want to be here anymore. "We should..." her words were choked. "We should...go home..." She didn't really want to do that, but her father nodded.
They walked out into the lobby. Lexie didn't really think it had hit him yet. Maybe it hadn't hit her either. She felt herself putting her sadness in a very small, very distant section of her brain. She registered the world absentmindedly. She felt things vaguely. She did things slowly.
They walked to their cars without talking. They got in without talking. Lexie thought that maybe she should stay with her father. She thought that maybe she should make sure he was okay. But how could she? When she wasn't okay herself. She felt responsible for her father. She didn't want to feel that. She didn't want to be with anyone who was as sad her.
She drove away from him. She drove to Meredith's house even though it was close to three o'clock in the morning. She parked her car. She got out of her car. The air felt cold and harsh to her skin. She walked to the door and knocked. Meredith and Derek stumbled down the stairs. Lexie thought that maybe she should feel embarrassed.
"Lexie?" Meredith said. She looked confused. But then she saw Lexie's face and she wasn't confused anymore. "Are you okay?" she asked.
A sob escaped Lexie. "She's...she's gone," she said. It had hit her. There was no hiding from it now.
Meredith's eyes filled with tears. Without even thinking about it she pulled Lexie into a hug. Lexie let her heavy head rest on Meredith's shoulder. Derek smiled at them and then silently backed away.
Lexie didn't know how long she cried. But when she finally ran out of tears, Meredith pulled back. Lexie saw her eyes were misty too. "Do you want to stay here tonight?" Meredith asked softly.
Lexie didn't trust her voice. She nodded. "Okay," Meredith said.
xxx
Meredith stayed with Lexie until she had fallen asleep on the couch and then got up and walked back up the stairs. Derek was awake. She crawled under the covers and he immediately pulled her into his body. She rested her head on his chest and let her own tears fall. Her heart felt so full.
"I'm so sorry, Meredith," Derek said softly. He kissed her forehead gently. "How's Lexie?"
Meredith shook her head slightly. "She's sleeping on the couch."
Meredith felt him nod his head. "You're a good big sister," he said after a moment. "You know that?"
Meredith felt her heart swell. Tears streamed down her face. She loved Derek so much. "I am?" she managed.
"You are," he replied.
xxx
The morning was lovely. It was a beautiful day outside. Lexie felt a strange anger towards the world for not acknowledging her sadness. She wished it were raining.
She didn't want to get up. She didn't think she could. Her sadness was so overwhelming that she didn't know what to do. Her agony was a gaping wound. Soon, it would get infected. Then, after that, the infection would enter her bloodstream. Lexie thought that being septic was a good alternative to the complete hopeless, sadness she was feeling at that moment.
She felt broken. Not put together. She didn't know how to be in the world when her mother wasn't. Someone put a hand on her shoulder. She registered it vaguely. Someone said her name. It was Meredith.
Lexie looked at Meredith and felt like she might cry again. "Hi," she told Meredith.
"Hey," Meredith said. She sat down next to Lexie on the couch. "What do you want to do?" She paused. "I could take you home."
"I don't know if I can be there right now," Lexie said feeling very hopeless indeed.
"Your dad needs you," Meredith said. It was true.
"When we get there," Lexie said slowly, "could you come in?"
Meredith smiled. "Yeah. I will."
xxx
Meredith walked into the kitchen. Izzie was making something that smelled really good, but she abandoned it to walk over and give Meredith a hug. "Derek just told me," Izzie said. "Are you okay?"
Meredith smiled. "Yeah. I'm fine." She glanced at Derek. "I barely knew her."
"How's Lexie?" Alex asked while pouring himself a glass of orange juice.
Meredith walked across the room and sat next to Derek at the counter. "She's sad." She propped her elbow on the counter and rested her head in her hand. "I'm taking her home."
"Well when you get back," Izzie said, "breakfast will be ready." She smiled at Meredith.
"Thanks Iz," Meredith said . She got up and walked outside. Derek followed her.
Outside in the foyer, Meredith turned to him. He walked over to her and she leaned into him, feeling immensely tired. "Why does life have to be so...ugh?" Meredith complained.
Derek chuckled. "I don't know."
"Mmm," she said into his shirt, before lifting her head and looking at him. "I love you."
"I love you," he said, leaning down and kissing her softly. She moved closer to him, placing her hands on his chest. She let herself get lost in him for a moment. He wrapped his arms around her tightly. It was nice to get lost sometimes.
When they pulled apart, he moved his hands to her stomach. She let out a quiet groan. "I'm getting fat."
He laughed. "You can't even tell with clothes on," he told her.
She smiled. "Still."
He kissed her. "You're beautiful."
"Thank you."
He kissed her on the forehead, before pulling back slightly. "I'll see you in a little bit," he said. She nodded and walked into the living room. Lexie was sitting on the couch, staring out the window. Meredith sat down next to her.
"I can't believe she's gone," Lexie said softly. "I don't know what to do...I don't know how to be here...without her."
Meredith was quiet for a moment. She looked at Lexie and then out the window. She sighed softly. "You're going to be okay," she said finally.
Lexie turned her head and looked at Meredith dazedly. "How?"
"I don't know," Meredith replied honestly. "But you will be."
xxx
Meredith pulled into the driveway at Lexie's house. "Ready?" she said.
Lexie nodded and they both got out of the car. Lexie walked up to the front door and opened it. Her body felt weary. She longed to curl up in her bed and sleep. Forever maybe.
Her father walked from the living room and stood in front of Lexie. Meredith thought her looked like he might fall apart. The glue holding him together was very thin. "Where've you been?" he asked.
"I stayed at Meredith's last night," Lexie said.
Thatch glanced up and seemed to notice Meredith for the first time. Meredith looked at him sadly. "It was no problem," she offered after a silence.
"Thank you," Thatch said.
They stood there for a while. Meredith wondered if she should leave. "I'm so sorry," she said instead of leaving.
Thatch's eyes glazed over. "Thank you," he said, his voice shaking. Meredith nodded, wishing she could hug him. Thankfully, Lexie did instead. Meredith smiled faintly and walked outside silently.
xxx
Meredith walked back into the house. George, who had been in the living room, walked over and gave Meredith a hug. "I'm so sorry," George said.
Meredith smiled at him, thinking of how great her friends were. "Thank you, George," Meredith said.
George smiled as well and they both walked into the kitchen. Meredith sat down next to Derek at the counter. He kissed her on the lips quickly. Within a few moments, Izzie had produced a plate of pancakes (with blueberries) and placed it in front of Meredith. Meredith smiled. The world might in fact be ugh, but how lucky she was.