Okay, so you guys are still going to hate me a little bit after this chapter. But like I said, it's totally going to be worth it. I'm pulling a little trick from ahoycinderella in this one and quoting a song at the beginning, because that song is pretty much what this chapter is based off of. So, shout out. Lyrics are from Sugarland's Keep You. Anyways, I'm going to stop rambling on and, here it is, Chapter 34.

It's a bittersweet victory
loving the ghost in front of me.
Now I can't laugh can't cry.
And I can't run, can't hide.
What do I gotta do to keep you...

Olivia was standing over the sink, washing the dishes from dinner. She felt Brian's hand on her shoulder. He kissed her cheek and she gave him a small smile. She placed a chaste kiss on his lips and went back to washing the dishes.

Their relationship had changed. They didn't talk about what Brian was doing every day, but it still put a strain on them. They didn't have sex like they used to, they weren't all over each other. Small kisses here and there, but there was barely any passion in them anymore. He gently caressed her face, running his fingers through her hair. "Hey," he whispered. "I love you."

She smiled and looked over at him. "I love you, too, Bri." She turned the water off and dried her hands, taking his hand in hers. She looked down at their hands.

He could feel her heart breaking. Everyone else was in bed. Amanda was out with Doom; they were alone. He lifted her face and looked into her eyes. "Liv, I know this is breaking you. I want to tell you, but I also want this to be a surprise. I know you're going to love it. At least I hope you will."

"Bri, I—"

He sighed. "I know, I know, Liv, you don't want to talk about it. Just listen, okay. After we get married we have a week to get an annulment. It'll be like it never happened. If, after you find out what it is, you still feel like this about me, we'll get an annulment and I'll leave. I won't fight for the kids, you can keep the house. I just want you to be happy, Liv."

Olivia felt tears in her eyes at the thought of him leaving her, at the thought of him not being here every morning for her to wake up to, at the thought of him living a life with another woman. She shook her head. "No, no I don't want that. Bri, we'll survive this. I don't want to be without you."

"Baby, you can't tell me that you haven't noticed our relationship changed. You've only called me Bri for weeks, there's no feeling anymore, Liv. When you kiss me, when you make love to me, even when you tell me you love me."

"Bri, I… Baby, I do love you." She rested her hands on the side of his face. "This is just really hard for me. I love you more than I could possibly explain." She rested her forehead against his. "Please don't leave me. Baby, I need you," she whispered, tears running down her face. He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight as she sobbed in his chest, grabbing onto his shirt.

The sight before him broke his heart. He held her tighter, kissing the top of her head. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He kept whispering it over and over. This was the last thing he wanted, to see her like this. He contemplated breaking the surprise and telling her what he was up to, but he wanted this to be perfect, he just wished he wasn't hurting her in the process.

She pulled away slightly and wiped her eyes. "I trust you, Bri. I just… I need to process this. It's so much. I know I seem like a jealous bitch, and I'm sorry. I just have this voice… My mom's voice actually… telling me that you fell back into old habits, that she's younger, prettier… she can give you everything that I can't." She looked down at her hands and sobbed. "But I know you would never…"

Brian hugged her again. "Hey, there is no other woman out there as beautiful as you. Sure, there are younger women out there, but they don't have everything you have. You're beautiful, classy, smart, kind, caring, considerate, passionate… the list goes on and on, baby. You've already given me everything, I don't need anything else. I need you, in my life, now and always."

She looked up at him. "I'm sorry I have all these insecurities," she whispered. She shook her head. "Thanks, Mom," she rolled her eyes and batted the tears away.

"Well, I can't tell you what I'm doing, but I can tell you that the woman I am meeting every day doesn't hold a candle to you." He smiled and pulled her close, whispering in her ear. "And she's gay."

Olivia looked up at him and let out a breath. "You couldn't have told me that weeks ago?" She let out a small chuckle.

He smiled and hugged her. "You feel a little better?"

She nodded and looked up at him. "Forgive me for being insane?"

He smiled. "You have nothing to be sorry for," he whispered and pulled her into a tight hug, gently swaying them. She smiled and closed her eyes.

She pulled back and looked into his eyes. "Baby, I love you," she whispered. She pulled him in for a passionate kiss, wrapping her arms around him. She ran her tongue over his lips, begging for access to his mouth. She smiled and moaned feeling their tongues starting to dance. She felt him pull her closer and she smiled. She broke the kiss softly. "God, I missed you."

"I've missed you too, baby." He held her tight and kissed the top of her head. "You mean everything to me, Liv. I'm sorry I hurt you by doing this."

She looked up at him. "We're going to get through this, baby. You and me against the world, right?" She let out a small chuckle. "I know, that whatever surprise you're planning for me, I'll love it. It's coming from here," she whispered, kissing his chest, above his heart. "My favorite part." She looked up into his eyes.

He smiled down at her. "I want to tell you, put your mind at ease, but I know it will be so much more amazing when you aren't expecting it. I just want our wedding day to be absolutely perfect."

She smiled and rested her head on his chest. "It will be. I'm marrying you."

Wrote a couple notes.
one in love, one in anger.
They're lying there dying
In the dresser drawer.

The next day Olivia was downstairs making breakfast when the house phone rang. She picked it up. "Hello?"

"Um, is… Brian available?" The woman spoke, hesitantly.

"Not at the moment, can I take a message?"

"Just have him call Marie back when he has a moment."

She raised an eyebrow. "Marie, what is your relationship to my fiancé?"

She heard Marie hesitate. "I… we're friends. We were supposed to meet up this morning but something came up. I'm sorry; I've really got to get going." With that, she hung up.

Olivia hung up the phone and put her hands on the counter, hanging her head and scoffing. She heard Brian come down the stairs. She walked back over to the stove and turned off the heat. "Call Marie," she said sharply. "Breakfast is ready. I'll be upstairs."

"What, you're not going to eat?"

"I lost my appetite."

Brian closed his eyes and hung his head. He took his phone out and called Marie. "What the hell did you tell her?"

"It's nice to talk to you, too, Brian."

"Now you're mad too? What the hell is every woman in the city syncing up on their cycles?"

"You can be a real asshole, you know that? Ever think if you would just tell Olivia who I am that she'd let this all go. I told her we were friends."

"You hesitated when you said it, didn't you?"

"Well, yeah, I was kind of caught off guard when she answered the phone."

"Damn it, Marie."

"Look, I called to tell you I can't get together today. Jessa went into labor last night; I'm at the hospital with her now. Any luck we'll be mothers by the end of the day."

"Congratulations, Marie. Sorry I'm edgy."

"Go take care of your girl. I'll go take care of mine."

They hung up and Brian made two plates up and put them on a tray, carrying it up to the bedroom. He saw her laying on the bed, her back to him. He heard her crying softly, sniffling every once in a while. He set the tray on the dresser and crawled into bed next to her, wrapping her in his arms, holding her tight. "I'm sorry," he whispered in her ear, kissing behind her ear.

She closed her eyes and held him tighter. "What did she want?"

He intertwined their fingers. "Her girlfriend went into labor last night. She had to cancel on me."

Olivia nodded; she stayed silent for a while. "Did you eat?"

"I brought up a couple plates for us. You need to eat too, baby."

She shook her head, the tears on her face starting to dry. "I'm not hungry."

"Baby, please, don't do this. You know you need to eat. You're breast feeding. You're eating for you and Charlie. If you won't eat for you, eat for Charlie."

Olivia shrugged. She felt him get off the bed and bring the tray back over. She sat up and picked at the food in front of her. She wasn't hungry, she just felt broken, unsure of everything in her life. She felt his hand on her knee and she closed her eyes, trying to compose herself. "Please, just…" She got up and walked into the bathroom, starting the tub.

Brian lay back and sighed. He didn't know what to do. He heard his fiancé in the tub, crying, and it broke his heart. He just wanted to hold her and make it all go away. He went over everything that he was going to do for this surprise. He saw it in his mind, his beautiful new bride, sitting next to him as he gave her the surprise he had worked so hard on. He saw her smile, the biggest, brightest smiled he'd ever seen. He missed her smile, he missed seeing her happy.

He was also beyond frustrated that she still had her doubts about his fidelity. She knew him, she knew he would never do anything to hurt her. But, he understood why she was having trouble. It didn't look good, and her mother put these insecurities in her head, that she wouldn't be good for anything but sex. Brian saw so much more than that, she was never just sex to him, not even fourteen years ago.

Olivia stayed in the tub until the water got cold. She stepped out, draining the tub and slipping into her robe. She opened the door to the bedroom, seeing Brian looking at her. She looked into his eyes then at the floor. "I can't lose you, Bri." She felt fresh tears stream down her face. "I can't do this on my own. I need you."

He got up and walked over to her, wrapping his arms around her, holding her close. "You never have to do this alone, baby. Just let me back in. Back in here," he whispered, tapping her heart.

She looked back up into his eyes. "Don't hurt me," she responded, her whisper barely audible.

"Never," he gently wiped her eyes and pulled her in for a passionate kiss. She gasped and pulled him closer. She gently bit on his lower lip. He opened her robe and ran his hands over her body. She noticed his hands had gotten rougher.

She broke the kiss and looked into his eyes, her breath heavy. She felt his fingers touch her scars, run over the white stretch marks on her stomach from the pregnancy. He kissed each of the cigarette burns on her breasts, each of the stretch marks, and the burn lower on her abdomen. Tears stung her eyes. He kissed up her body and made his way back to her lips.

"You are the most beautiful woman in the world," he whispered before kissing her again. He felt her arms wrap around him as their tongues started to dance. He heard her moan into the kiss and he gently broke it. "I've missed that sound. God, baby, I've missed YOU."

She looked into his eyes, running her hands over his chest. A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. "I've missed everything," she whispered. "Everything about you." She pulled him into another passionate kiss, her body pressing against his. She felt his hands come up to her shoulders, slipping the silky material off her body. He picked her up and she giggled into the kiss, feeling the bed at her back.

He broke the kiss and looked at her body. She was truly the most beautiful creature on the face of the Earth. He kissed from her ankles up her leg, showing each leg the same attention. He lavished her torso with kisses, paying special attention to her breasts. She let out a moan and arched her back. He smirked and kissed her collarbone, her neck, up to her ear, gently biting on the lobe. "I love you, Olivia Benson," he whispered in her ear.

Her eyes closed when he whispered in her ear. She opened them and turned her head, looking into his eyes. "I love you, too, Brian Cassidy," she whispered, a smile on her face and tears in her eyes.

"Let me show you how much, Liv. Let me ravish you, it's all about you right now," he whispered, looking deep into her eyes. He saw her nod and he kissed her passionately, his hands starting to play with her breasts as they kissed, her moans filling the otherwise silent room. He broke the kiss and smiled, looking down at her. He moved his one hand down, teasing her slit.

She arched her back and moaned. "Oh, baby," she whispered, gasping, feeling him push two fingers inside of her, his lips finding one of her nipples and taking it into his mouth, gently rolling it between his teeth. Her head fell back and moaned again, feeling his fingers start to move inside of her. Her hips moved into his hand, his palm rubbing against her clit. Her eyes closed and she bit her bottom lip, taking in every sensation.

He felt her getting wetter and wetter as the moments passed. He let her breast go and kissed her neck. "You are so wet, baby." He felt her grip his hand, grinding into him harder and faster. She was close. "That's it, baby, let go. Come for me," he whispered in her ear, flicking his tongue over her ear lobe.

She gripped onto his arm, her walls contracting around his fingers, riding out her orgasm. "Oh, God, baby," she moaned, her toes curling, her back arching. Once she finished she collapsed back onto the bed and closed her eyes, her breath heavy. She felt his fingers slide out of her and she let out a moan of protest.

He chuckled and licked her juices from his fingers, letting out a groan. "You taste so good," he said in a husky whisper, eliciting a moan from her. She pulled him in for a passionate kiss, tasting herself on his lips, moaning gently. He broke the kiss and looked into her eyes, smiling when he saw her smile. He kissed her neck, kissing down her body, stopping at the spot he knew she wanted him at. He bent her knees up, slipping his arms under her legs, resting them on her hips. He could tell she was dripping again.

She felt his tongue gently run up and down her slit, teasing her. She gasped and moaned. "Oh, God, yes baby." He started to kiss her lower lips, slipping his tongue inside of them, tasting her again. He found her clit, sucking on it, gently nipping at it, moaning, sending vibrations through her. Her fingers ran through his hair, gently tugging. "Jesus, baby," she moved her hips into his mouth, loving what he was doing to her.

He smirked and pushed his tongue inside her, seeing her back arch, feeling her juices run down his chin. He missed this, knowing that he turned her on this much, giving her this much pleasure. "God, I love the way you taste," he moaned, pushing his fingers back inside of her.

All she could do was moan. She couldn't put a cohesive thought together, much less talk to him. Her mind was blank, all she could feel was pleasure, throughout her entire body. "Ah, Fuck," was the only exclamation she could manage. He smirked and felt her walls contracting around his fingers. He stroked her, long, drawn out motions, drawing out her orgasm, feeling her body start to shake, feeling her fingers tugging harder at his hair, letting out a final moan as she finished.

He smirked, licking her clean and then kissing up her body, wiping his mouth before kissing her passionately, feeling her pull him close to her body. He smiled and broke the kiss gently. "Hi," he whispered, looking into her eyes, caressing her face.

She smiled a bright, lively smile. One he hadn't seen in weeks. "Hi," she mouthed, running her hands over his back.

"I've missed that smile," he whispered, rolling off of her and lying next to her, pulling her close.

She rested her head on his chest, closing her eyes gently. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm sorry I've been so distant. I was trying to make sure that if you left, it wouldn't hurt as bad," she tried to fight the tears. "But I know that no matter what, if you left… It would feel like my heart was being ripped out of my chest, because the past few weeks, even with you still here, it's felt like that." She wiped her eyes.

"Hey, don't talk like that. I'm not going anywhere. I've told you that over and over."

She nodded and got up, walking over to the dresser, taking out the notes she wrote for him, walking back over to the bed and sitting down. "I wrote these for you." She handed them to him. "One's a little harsh… angry, but the other. God, it says everything, everything about how I feel about you." She gently caressed his face. "I love you, Brian Cassidy. You're it for me. If you were ever to leave or God forbid anything ever happened for you… I'd be alone for the rest of my life," she whispered. "No one else makes me feel like you."

He smiled and kissed her gently. "I just want you to be happy, Liv. Whatever that means."

She nodded. "I know. If I weren't crazy about you, if you didn't make me happy, you hanging out with Marie wouldn't bother me. I'm not a jealous person, Brian, except when it comes to you," she whispered, looking at the bed. "I know you love me, and that you wouldn't cheat on me, and I'm sorry I've been so neurotic about everything lately. Just… the thought of losing you… It kills me."

He kissed her gently. "Hey, I'm in this for the long haul. I'm not going anywhere."

She smiled and kissed him again, lying down next to him, resting her head back on his chest.

You tried to explain, but I couldn't hear it.
As if your words were my tears.
Flowing freely, warm and quiet.
From the edges of my eyes and my ears.
Then all that disappears.

The months passed; Brian continued his meetings with Marie, still keeping the surprise a secret. They made an agreement not to talk about it, so they didn't fight. Now, it was the day before the wedding. Olivia packed an overnight bag and the bag she was taking on their honeymoon. She kissed Brian passionately. "I need something to hold me over until tomorrow," she whispered softly.

"So stay."

She shook her head. "Bad luck," she smiled and kissed him again. "Besides, Amanda has something planned for my bachelorette party, and I'm sure Doom has something planned for your bachelor party."

"All I want for my bachelor party is you," he whispered, pulling her close.

She giggled. "I'll call you before I go to bed." She ran her hands over his chest. "I love you, Brian Cassidy."

"I love you, Olivia Benson," he smiled. "For the last time," he whispered and kissed her neck. He heard her giggle. "To think, tomorrow I'll be Mrs. Brian Cassidy."

He smiled and caressed her face. "Sergeant Olivia Cassidy."

"Has a nice ring to it." She winked. "Okay, I really have to go; I have so much to do before whatever Amanda's planning tonight." She picked up her overnight bag, grabbing her suitcase.

He stepped towards her and pulled her close, kissing her passionately, wrapping his arms around her. She dropped her bag and kissed him back, just as passionately, her arms wrapping around his neck. Her foot popped and she moaned, running her hands over his chest. She broke the kiss gently and smiled. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too." She bit her bottom lip. "I'll see you tomorrow." She kissed him again quickly, grabbing her bags and hopping into Amanda's car that was waiting out front for her. She looked over at Amanda. "So what are our plans?"

Amanda smiled. "We need to go pick up your dress, our dresses, all the accessories, head to the liquor store and get a few things and then to the hotel suite I rented for the five of us for the night. Have a few drinks; watch a few movies, some girl talk. Play some weird, funny, crazy ass bachelorette party games that I found online. No strippers, as promised."

Olivia nodded. "Sounds perfect." She smiled and looked in the side view mirror of Amanda's car. "I can't believe it. After everything we've been through. Everything we've been through in the past few months with him getting this surprise ready, me thinking he was cheating on me. After all of that, we're getting married."

Amanda looked over at her. "Come on, that boy is head over heels in love with you. There's no way he'd ever cheat on you. You remember when we set that honey trap while he was undercover to get the officers in the 12th? Liv, he couldn't even act interested while he was on top of me. He's a charmer, but he would never hurt you."

Olivia bit her bottom lip and smiled a big goofy smile. "I know. I just… my mom really fucked me up. Sometimes I still hear her saying all I'd ever be good for was sex. I heard it so often, that's what I thought for a long time, and that's how I acted. God, Amanda, Brian and I started out as a one night stand fourteen years ago. I was shocked that he wanted more. I pushed him away. I was stupid."

"But you came to your senses eventually, and now you're happier than a woodpecker in a lumber yard."

"You can take the girl out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the girl."

A few minutes after the girls left, Doom knocked on the door to the house. When Brian opened Doom smirked. "Last night as a bachelor, my brother."

"What have you got planned, Doom?"

He shrugged. "A little bit of fun."

"Doom, I swear to God, if I see one stripper I'm leaving."

"What about two?"

"Doom," he growled.

"I'm kidding man, relax. No strippers. We're going to go out for dinner, having some drinks, nothing crazy."

Brian nodded. "I can't believe I'm marrying Olivia Benson tomorrow. It's actually happening. I don't know how I got so lucky."

Doom rested his hand on his brother's shoulder. "Hey, you deserve it. You deserve to be happy, and I don't think I've ever seen you as happy as you are with Olivia."

"That's because she's the one. Always has been."

A/N: So, like I said, you all probably still hate me because you don't yet know what's going on. However, the next chapter is the wedding. You're still not going to know what's going on then. I'm doing the wedding and the reception/wedding night as separate chapters. But you can't hate me too much because its the Bensidy wedding, so... there you have it. Please review, here or on Twitter UnbrokenBarista. As always, thanks for reading!