So, sorry about disappearing for a bit there! Thanks a ton for the four reviews I got on the last story!
This one is a little more...sad, but I hope you like it anyways!
Please leave a review!
"Hey."
Reid closes his eyes tightly. No names, no introductions, no need. He knows exactly who this voice belongs to, even over the static of the phone and bad connection.
"Hey."
"What's up?"
Like nothing happened, like everything stayed the same.
"Not much."
Which is for once…the truth.
"Oh."
"Yeah."
They fall into an awkward, uncharacteristic silence, and Reid can hear Tyler's soft breathing, picking up the pace slowly but surely.
"So how's life without me?" He asks finally, voice lilting upwards at the end of the sentence and Reid grimaces.
"Fine, good." And then because he feels like he should say something else, "how's school?"
"Okay. Life better without me there?"
Opening his pale blue eyes Reid surveys his surroundings, the empty apartment he's crashing in that belongs to his drug dealer and wonders how Tyler could possible delude himself into thinking Reid's life is better without him here.
But he won't give him the satisfaction either way.
"I never said that."
"You didn't not say it either."
There's silence again and Reid rubs his temples, he's hungover and tired and sore and he doesn't want to get into the same fucking fight they always get into. Not now, not ever again.
"Why did you call Tyler?"
Tyler sucks in a hurt breath and Reid feels a slight pain in his heart. He didn't mean to it to sound that cruel, just a little cruel.
"I…I missed you. I miss you."
"And?"
On the other side of the phone Tyler huffs, and Reid's fingers hurt from gripping the phone so tightly, pressing it to his ear.
"And what? Am I not allowed to fucking miss you?!"
The fight is starting again, and Tyler's angry, and Reid is tired and nothing has changed since the last time Tyler called a few months ago.
"We broke up Ty."
"Well it was a fucking mistake! And I take it back…goddamn it Re…"
"You don't take shit like that back Ty."
Baby Boy is on the tip of his tongue but he clamps down on it. Those words haven't left his lips since that night.
When Tyler left for school in a flurry of tears and angry words and heart retching silences.
It had been Reid who drunkenly called him then. Spouting wasted poems and declarations of love that were shot down in flames.
And then there was the silence, both too stubborn and too proud to give in. They didn't talk for days, days that turned into weeks, weeks that turned into months.
But then…once upon a drunken night. Like a bad fairytale, one that doesn't have a happy ending.
"I love you Reid, I was in love with you."
"I know."
"And you loved me. You did."
"Yeah." Reid groans, his head is pounding and hearing Tyler's voice brings out too many emotions. Too many good memories, too many great memories, and too many bad ones. He doesn't want to deal with this today.
Doesn't want to shift and sort through his feelings right now. Because he has an awful sinking suspicion of what he might find.
What he wants to do…is hang the fuck up and down that bottle of expensive polish vodka that's sitting in the liquor cabinet right now.
So that's what he does.
"I gotta go Ty."
"Bullshit Reid, don't you dare-"
Reid hangs up.
And goes searching for that bottle.
Hundreds of miles away Tyler stares at the blank wall across from his bed. The dorm room is small and empty and that's it. That's all it is.
Lonely.
His phone buzzes and he grabs it, but it's not Reid.
Not Reid saying sorry, not Reid saying I love you, not Reid saying shit.
It's not Reid, but Jacob, asking about the party tonight.
Which Tyler hadn't planned on going to…but…
Christmas comes and goes.
Tyler hides in his mother's oversized mansion, breaking into the brandy supply and passing out on the couch.
Reid couch surfs from sketchy friend to sketchy friend in a drug induced haze of blurry days and wild nights.
They see each other once.
At a mall in Boston, where they both thought they were safe because the other wouldn't dare go there.
Reid was in the bookstore, starting at glossy black and white pictures of war. Bombs exploding in clouds of gray and fires burning through villages in colors that he can't see.
It's almost like a physical representation of his heart, the damage Tyler had done. There were too many causalities in war. Even wars of love.
When he looks up from broken bodies and tears running down dirt streaked faces he sees him.
Frozen in the jewelry store opposite him, abandoned gold necklace dangling in his hand, a teardrop diamond glittering in the light.
They stare at each other for a minute too long. It feels like centuries to Reid.
Like seconds too few to Tyler.
And then it's over.
An attendant comes up to Tyler and the moment breaks. When he looks back up Reid is gone, he pays for the necklace and leaves.
A hole in his heart like a gaping wound, blood flowing like the tears welling in his eyes.
His pulse doesn't slow down until he's miles away, whipping past the trees going far too fast.
They see each other again on Sabbath. The gathering of the witches and all that shit.
Some old school ritual that was in the Book. Had to do it every year, Reid hadn't even liked it the first time.
Caleb, like always was the last to get there. Even though he lived five minutes away. For such a goodie goodie two shoes, he was never on time.
Reid looked like death warmed over, standing there with his lank blond hair unwashed and circles under his eyes that could have been tattooed on they were so dark, smelling of vodka and sweat wearing clothes that weren't his own.
Tyler's eyes were dead, bloodshot to all get out, he wouldn't dare look Caleb in the eye.
Pogue stood nervous in between them, unsure of what to do or what to say. Because nothing could make this better.
For the first time since…ever Tyler was glad he and Reid were separated by Pogue. Glad he didn't have to sit there…so close. Yet so fucking far.
Reid stared pointedly at the ground, jaw working furiously and as soon as the book slammed shut he was gone, shoving his way past Pogue and out the door.
"Hey man, wait up!" Pogue called, hurrying after him.
"Where've you been?"
"Nowhere."
"Reid, come on…what the fuck happened?!"
"Nothing fucking happened!"
The door rattled and Tyler and Caleb filled out, freezing in their tracks.
"Reid."
It slipped from Tyler's lips, a colossal mistake and everything stopped.
Blue on blue.
Ripping, tearing, searing pain.
Bubbling up from oblivion, engulfing everything.
Reid's knees give out and Pogue snatches him up like a rag doll, dragging him to his bike.
"We're going." The older boy says and no one dares to argue with him.
"I don't know what the fuck happened between you two but-"
"Just drop it Pogue."
"Reid…I'm worried about you. You went fucking AWOL, I haven't seen you in ages and you look like hell."
"I'll be okay."
"No, you won't. You look like you're on your freaking death bed, and Tyler looks just as bad, if not worse."
"It's fine."
"It's really not, we're friends, all of us. We care about you Reid. Caleb and I, and Tyler too."
"I know."
"Then let us help…"
"You can't. This is between me and Baby Boy."
And being there, with Pogue and Caleb and Tyler again…it felt like old times, arguing, riding on the back of Pogue's bike, it slipped out. And it hurt.
"Reid, come on man."
"Shut up Pogue. I wanna get drunk, drop me off at Nicky's."
"Fine, but I'm getting smashed then too."
The rest of the ride was spent in angsty angry silence, but…at least it wasn't awkward.
"Reid." Nicky says as soon as he sees the blond walk through the door.
"Hey Nicky."
"Where you been boy?"
"Around."
Nicky gives him a look that says he knows exactly where Reid has been and holds his gaze for a second.
"What can I get'cha then?"
Reid turns, but Pogue has already disappeared into the chaos of a Friday night at Nicky's so he's alone once again.
He kind of likes it.
"A couple shots of whiskey."
Nicky gives him a cryptic smile but pushes the shot glasses toward him anyway.
"Drink up."
Normally, people get worse at pool the drunker they are. But Reid gets better.
He doesn't know why it works like this, or care. All he knows is that he can play, and he can win, so he might as well make a few bets because this is a damn sure thing.
So there he is, playing pool. The wood is cool under his fingers and he's so drunk he can't walk straight but his shots go right in, no problem.
And people are getting pissed, but also amazed so there're no fights yet. It's just a good game, and that's all Reid wants. A good game.
Something to take his mind off…off…
Yeah.
That.
He grabs hold of the table to steady himself and waits until the balls stop swaying back in forth in his vision before he lines up his shot.
But he doesn't get to take the shot, the ball is already moving, propelled by a rival pool cue and when he finally looks up in confusion he sees blue eyes staring back at him.
For a second he thinks about launching himself over the table and kissing Tyler senseless. Or maybe punching the shit out of him, feeling Baby Boy's bones break under his fist.
Or maybe running away.
Far far away.
Brazil.
Or Spain.
He does none of those things though, and just stands there frozen. In fear.
But Tyler is lining up another shot and it slips right in.
He'd forgotten how good Baby Boy was at this.
Almost as good as him, almost.
The wood warms under his fingers and bam, it connects solidly, bouncing off another ball which hits another, and then just like that. One. Two. Three. They slide into the slots like freaking magic.
The small crowd that has gathered sucks in their breath, it was an impossible shot. But that all Reid ever does, impossible shots.
A dark look comes over Tyler's face and Reid can tell. He wants to beat him. Make him pay.
Everybody thinks Baby Boy is all sugar and spice and everything nice but Reid knows the truth.
He's a vindictive, revengeful, manipulative, egotistical kid.
But Reid still loves him.
Maybe that's the problem…
The game drags on. And on. And on.
Masters playing against masters.
There're no bets on this game.
Enough is already at stake.
Black ball, Tyler's specialty. Even though it was Reid who taught him.
He lines up the shot perfectly and Reid already knows…
But then he fumbles, and strikes at an angle and it all falls apart.
The crowd gasps and Tyler puts on a good show.
But Reid knows.
He did it on purpose, and that makes him mad.
He doesn't want Tyler's fucking pity. He doesn't want his fucking apologies that come too late. He doesn't want to see that look in those blue eyes.
He doesn't want any of it.
At all.
Ever.
Except he does.
And it's tearing him apart on the inside. How much he wants this. Tyler.
"What the fuck was that?!"
"What?" Tyler's voice is small, mouse like and Reid gets the feeling he wasn't expecting Reid to notice.
How long did he think it would take?
How many months before Reid managed to forget him?
Like he could ever, ever erase the memory of Tyler from his mind. Every little quirk, ever simple twitch of the lips, the rhythm of his words, lilting voice, the way that Reid knew him.
Inside and out.
He knew the words Tyler was going to say, before he even thought of them and he knew the words Tyler would never dare say, even when he wanted to.
And he knew what Tyler meant, when he said one thing, but did another.
And he knew.
He fucking knew Tyler, and how quickly did that asshole think he was going to forget all that.
A few bloody months?
It would take years for Reid to forget the way his smile pulled higher on the right than the left. The way his eyes would scrunch up in concentration when writing.
The way his voice had faltered when he said 'I love you' that first fucking time.
The way he traced constellations on his arms when he was nervous, or the way that he lied, eyes on the ground.
Years upon years upon years of Reid's life had been dedicated to learning, memorizing these little things, little facts.
The way he ate a waffle a certain way, and could only make scramble eggs but liked them sunny side up and had just never bothered to learn how to cook them that way.
He couldn't erase that, any of it. Even if he wanted to. Even though he tried to. He couldn't.
Ever.
It was burned into his mind, his heart his soul.
People talk about forgiveness, forgive and forget, move on.
Yeah? Well he can't fucking move on because everywhere he looks in this damned town there's a memory, a reminder of what used to be, of what could have been.
And how can he fucking forgive if it still hurts? Hearing his voice over the phone, seeing a glimpse of a picture, it hurts.
"What did I do Reid?!"
"You fucking let me win!"
"So what?! What does that have to do with anything?!"
They're in the back parking lot of Nicky's screaming their heads off at each other and Tyler is shoving him and he's shoving back.
And he on the verge of tears, but boys don't cry like that blasted Cure song they used to listen to on the weekends.
And he's never been this angry in his whole life he thinks, and it's all because Tyler fucked up one little shot that Reid knew he could make, he knew it.
And Tyler shoves him again, angry words pummeling his brain and he can't fucking take it.
He's screaming himself hoarse here and he doesn't give a damn who hears them, or sees them or who fucking cares.
It's the most fun he's had in a long time.
Their lips crash together and it's all hate.
I hate you I hate you I hate you I love you I hate you I hate you.
It slips in there and Reid ignores it.
Doesn't try to push in down into the deep dark recesses of his mind because he knows he can't so he just ignores it instead.
It rough and angry and all nails and teeth and bruised bodies but it the best sex Reid has had in…ages.
Since the last time he had sex with Tyler.
And half way through, or a third of the way or something.
Reid's lost track of time, it's like a black hole, a time space continuum has developed in the back of Tyler's hummer and he realizes that Tyler is crying.
Thick wet tears that shine like diamonds in the moonlight.
Like teardrop diamonds falling from blue sapphires dangling from a thin gold chain.
And they wet Reid fingers and his face and he kisses them.
Diamonds the flow freely from Tyler's eyes.
Glittering in the darkness like the secrets of his heart.
He doesn't remember passing out.
Or Tyler half using, half dragging him to Pogue's doorstep in the dead of night and leaving him there.
For some unfortunate soul (Pogue) to find in the morning.
They don't see each other for another year.
Reid's gone.
Like gone gone.
And Pogue can't find him. Caleb can't find him. His no good mother hasn't even bothered to look but she did check her bank accounts and he hasn't taken anything from her at least.
He's just gone.
Tyler comes home, to find Reid gone, and the hole in his heart, which he had thought was getting a little smaller decided to explode into one giant pit of angry, aching pain.
He sits on the bathroom floor and sobs.
Passes out in the shower and wakes the next morning with his soul empty and his hair wet.
Reid's in Mexico.
Courtesy of Nicky that wonderful man. Better than his father ever was.
By day he works as a bartender at one of Nicky's friends pubs, serving up dolled up drinks to tourists and hard liquor to the little brown working men of Mexico.
They like him there.
By night he sits on the beach and drinks tequila and falls asleep to tortured dreams of Tyler.
He's always there.
Sometimes the dreams are good, warm hands holding his, soft touches and kind words and I love you Reid…I love you…
Sometimes they're bad.
Why do you think I was every with a useless prick like you? You aren't good enough for me, you'll never be good enough for me!
And he wakes in tears, seeping quietly from his eyes without his permission.
But it's better here.
No memories except the ones in his head and the ones in his heart.
This is what happens he thinks, when you let the only person who knew you inside and out leave.
Tyler doesn't dream of Reid. He doesn't dream of anything anymore. He's got these pills see? Just pop one in, drink it down and bam! You're out.
He sees Reid though.
Everywhere.
That girl in his Econ class, with the pale blond hair.
He has to do a double take, sometimes a triple take before he realizes that it's not Reid sitting there two rows in front of him.
Walk through the supermarket? Every blond man he sees is Reid, after staring blankly for a few minutes does he realize that it's not. Not actually.
He wonders where Reid is now.
What he's doing.
Who he's doing it with.
It feels like his soul has been split in two and it hurts like a bitch.
It nearly cleans Reid out coming back.
He's left with five bucks and a condom in his wallet. That's it.
But he hasn't got a choice.
He never did.
Not when it came to Tyler. Baby boy.
His Baby Boy.
He came to terms with it. Him. Himself.
It's time to stop running.
Running from Tyler, his emotions, everything.
It's no wonder he's not over him.
Running, always running. Never standing up for himself. Facing the music.
Facing the truth.
He needs to stop running away to come to terms with everything in order to overcome it.
He was a coward before, leaving like that. Hiding away. Pushing his friends away.
And yeah, maybe he's still a coward. Maybe he'll always be a coward, but he can fight it.
He can try to be better.
Try to be a better man.
A better person.
And that's what counts right? Trying…?
Tyler stares at his paper. Not really seeing it.
The grade is good. Not quite good enough to be great, but not nearly bad enough to cause worry.
Just good.
Decent.
Something's different about him though. Has been for a while.
He's lost who he is. On the inside and the outside.
He has friends, new and old. He still talks to Caleb and Pogue, Sarah and Kate. And he's made good friends here, Scott and Andrea, Noah and Brent.
But things are different, changing, and he's not sure if he likes it or not. Not sure if this is a good thing or not.
He's not the same person who left Reid. Who broke the heart of the person he loved most in the world. Who pushed away the one person who would have done anything for him, everything for him. Who loved him more than the earth itself.
It's like he's in limbo, this wavering floating state where nothing matters, but nothing doesn't matter either so he's half assing his way through life.
A life that's not his, not what he wants. And all he knows is that he doesn't want this, but he doesn't want anything else, and he's not sure what he should want either.
There's a fear, deep down inside his heart.
That Reid would be disappointed in him. In how miserable he is here, how disconnected he feels to this new life.
Most days it's okay.
There's too much work, classes and friends and note taking and exams and studying that he has no time to stop and think.
But sitting in the shower at two in the morning resting his head against the cold white tile as scalding hot water pours over him.
And no one else in there with him. Just his thoughts, swirling around his head.
There's no such thing as lying to himself. Not when he can't even lie to Caleb.
Tears used to mix with the water.
But that was a while ago.
He's run out of tears since then. Or feelings. He's not sure which.
Eventually he pulls himself up and out of the shower.
To an empty bed.
To go with his empty heart.
He called Nicky from Seattle.
Doubt and cowardice finally sinking in.
"Reid, son. Calm the fuck down."
Nicky growled out in his own oddly soothing way.
"He's in Boston, at school there."
"O-okay."
It's been at least a week since he's had a drink, and right now he wants once more than ever.
His hands are shaking as he hangs up the pay phone but he has a purpose now.
Boston.
The last exam of the term.
Some students are joyful. Having studied, and done well. Or better than well.
Some mope behind knowing that the mark isn't what they wanted. What they might need.
Tyler is in a bit of a daze.
The exam was harder than he thought it would be, some of his friends wave and he nods back.
Still, he knew what he was doing. So that was good, right?
All his stuff is packed but he doesn't leave until tomorrow night.
He certainly doesn't feel like partying.
Or doing anything. At all.
He slows down, people surge around him. Calling out to their friends, hugging and laughing.
A steady flow.
Except…
Tyler blinks slowly. Closing his eyes tightly before looking again.
But he's not hallucinating.
Or making this up.
It's real.
Real as ever.
Reid is there.
Right there.
Neither moves for what feels like hours.
Both a little too terrified to do anything, to move one way or another.
Until the hallway is cleared and they're the only two people left standing there.
"Hey." Reid says. Voice quiet, nervous.
"Hey." Tyler answers.
"How's life?"
Tyler shrugs and jerks his head toward the door.
"Alright. You?"
Reid shrugs in response and falls into step with Tyler.
"Could be better, could be worse."
"I know what you mean." Tyler says, not looking over at Reid.
They push open the heavy wooden doors leading to the quad on campus.
It's sunny outside, golden rays blinding them both as they stand and let the warmth wash over them.
"You going back to Ipswitch?" Tyler asks, wondering if the blond would consider coming back with him, of all people, after everything that's happened and he desperately wants Reid to say yes.
"Maybe."
Tyler sends him a questioning look. The unspoken words flow between them just as they always had. Some things don't change after all.
"Thought I might…take a break. Adventure some."
He lets these words sink in and watches Tyler's face carefully, almost hungrily.
"You up for that?"
"Yeah."
It's a split second decision.
Tyler doesn't take into account their history, all the damage that's been done, his parents, Caleb and Pogue.
All he listens to is his heart.
The heart wants what the heart wants and all that bullshit.
And his heart wants Reid.
"Yeah, I'm up for that."
So...review? Please? Pretty please with sugar on top?