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Chapter 36

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"I need a favor," I announced.

"Will either of us like where this is heading?" Leah asked, barely looking up from the accounts. From his position by the barbeque, Jacob simply asked, "Do we ever?"

"You make me sound evil," I complained. Perched on the railing as I was, basking in the sun, I had a good view of both their faces. It was the end of September and the three of us were together, enjoying one of the few days off the werewolves had gotten since I had been back. Jacob had even insisted on using the barbeque. It was perfect, and the perfect time for a strange request. "I'm not. I just need a favor."

"How long are you going to keep dodging?" Leah asked.

"Are you going to do it?"

Jacob snorted. "We aren't stupid. Tell us what it is first."

"But will you do it?"

"We really aren't going to like this, are we?"

"Just promise—"

"Nessie, just tell us."

Despite the number of times I had asked them to, the werewolves pointedly refused to call me Renesmee. Jacob wouldn't abandon the name he gave me, Leah thought Renesmee was a stupid name, Seth simply forgot he had agreed to the longer moniker, and Quil and Embry followed Jacob's lead. I was always going to be Nessie to them. And there was nothing I could do about it. It was sort of sweet.

Less sweet was Jacob making me say what I wanted. It would have been better if they had promised to help first. Because I didn't think they would agree—okay, I knew they wouldn't agree. But I was going to try anyway. Stranger things had happened. I had been born, hadn't I?

"I need one of you to kiss me. Or for you to kiss each other while I watch. The second would probably be better, if you don't want to get sent to jail."

Jacob laughed while Leah's mouth turned up in the corner, at least until she glanced up and looked at my serious face. "Jake..."

"What?" He turned one of the burgers, though his face turned a little paler than normal. "Is she being serious?"

"Really serious."

"It almost makes you believe in karma," Jacob sighed. "I should have been nicer as a kid."

"Is that a yes?" I asked.

"No."

"But it's not a definite no?"

"It's the world's biggest no."

Leah added, "And a double the world's biggest no from me."

"Does that mean you're not going to help me?" I sighed, admitting defeat. "Maybe Shelia and Embry will. She'd come back if I said I needed her."

"And I'd break Embry's jaw," Jacob said cheerfully. "But go ahead and ask them."

"No fair."

"Not to continue this freaky discussion," Leah began, "But now I'm sort of curious. Why is it necessary for you to become some sort of voyeur?"

"No reason. You're burning the burger on the end," I informed Jacob.

"I think she's dodging the question."

"That was definite dodging."

"And worse, it was amateur dodging."

"I thought we had taught her better."

Leah put down the books and wandered over to the railing. Leaning beside me, she demanded: "Spill."

"Frank hasn't kissed me yet. Two dates and he has not kissed me. If he does not kiss me on the third date we have a problem and since I do not want there to be a problem, I have to kiss him. So I need to know how. Show me."

They had been nice, the first two dates. I privately thought nice was a little bit of an understatement, but my conclusions would not be very accurate since I had no similar point of comparison. While I was used to having someone's undivided attention, I was less used to having to work at maintaining it. I liked the challenge. I liked Frank, who could keep up the conversation no matter how academic I made it. And having someone around who was unsure as I was made for a refreshing change of pace.

Except he hadn't kissed me.

"He hasn't kissed you yet?" Jacob repeated. "I don't know whether to be glad or worried. What's taking him so long?"

"More to the point," I said, "What's taking me so long? I'm sixteen now and I still haven't been kissed."

"Six," Jacob said automatically, while Leah asked, "What's wrong with sixteen?"

"I'm ancient. And please? I'm sure by the time you were my age you..." her look made me trail off. I did value my life, after all. "Well, Jacob was busy kissing my mother and hanging around her all 'look at my well-developed body'. And I'm sure you weren't avoiding the opposite sex, either."

"I still can't believe she told you all that," Jacob sighed, even as Leah said, "I'll have you know I was almost fifteen before I had my first kiss."

It was Jacob who demanded: "Really?"

"Yeah. And if you try to say there's something wrong with that I will point out all the reasons that kissing Amy Cook on a dare in seventh grade does not count. Stupid slut."

"Shut up," he said, pushing her head away. He didn't put much effort and she easily dodged. He was too caught up in his thoughts. "Sam was the first guy you kissed?"

"Yeah."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Unlike some people, I don't just go around kissing people I don't care about. When I was sure, I kissed him." She stopped glaring at Jacob to look at me. "I hope you were taking notes on that. You don't have to kiss anybody unless you're sure you want to. You sure you really want to be making out with Brady's younger brother?"

"Frank is perfectly nice. So yes, I'm sure I want to kiss him. Do you know how hard it is to find someone to discuss the relationship between modernism and existentialism with?"

"Whew. Philosophy always gets me hot, too."

"Just because I'm not attracted to over-aggressive, high school dropouts—no offence, Jacob—does not mean there's something wrong with me." A horrible thought struck me. "Right?"

"I have dated some guys who graduated high school," Leah protested. "At least two. And shut up. Scholastic achievement doesn't mean anything."

"Apparently not. While Frank seems like an excellent potential boyfriend, he won't kiss me. Jacob?" I asked, as he stared at the burgers. "Why do you look guilty?" When he didn't look up at me, I began demanding: "Did you do something to him?"

"No."

"Why do you still look shifty?"

"I didn't—" Jacob rolled his eyes when he saw neither of us were going to stop glaring until he answered honestly. "I didn't say anything to him. Seth made me promise not to say anything to the kid, said he'd warn him off for me, if I just promised to leave him alone."

"Do we look stupid?" Leah demanded. "No way in hell my brother managed to threaten someone."

Jacob's voice got so quiet, I could barely hear it. "That's why I may have told Edward what the kid looked like."

"Jake..."

"You jerk! How could you?" I cried. "Do you have any idea—you know how scary my family can be. I'm surprised he even dares look at me." I felt the tears welling in my eyes and knew Jacob saw them too, by the remorseful look on his face. It was too late for that. I was going to spend the rest of eternity with virgin lips, because my family was insane. "No wonder he barely holds my hand. You had no right to tell Edward anything—it's only been a couple of dates and I just wanted to have someone outside all of you and you took that away from me. How could you?"

"Ah, Nessie, don't be mad," he said, trying to hug me. I slipped off the railing and moved away, silently begging Leah for help. She obliged, punching him in the arm.

"You're a dick, sometimes," she sighed.

"I know you two can't understand, but I was a teenage guy. He shouldn't be allowed near her unless properly threatened, otherwise he'll be thinking all sorts of things."

"Jake...knowing there was a whole pack of vampires out there didn't stop you from imagining Bella naked. And don't try and deny it—I had the dreams to prove it. Nothing you say is going to stop him from thinking it."

"I thought you promised not to bring up the whole Ella-bay ream-day ing-thay."

"You promised you were okay with this."

I sat down on the chair Leah had vacated and pulled my knees to my chest. "I speak pig Latin, too, overly-controlling jerk. And I know all about the dreams."

"Nessie," Jacob said as he knelt in front of me, "I wasn't lying when I said I was okay with this. I do want you happy with the kid. I just wanted to make sure he treated you right. The best way to do that was to lay out the proper way of treating you...and if a couple of really scary bloodsuckers wanted the honor, who am I to tell them they can't?"

Leah pointed out: "She's ten times stronger than he is. If he did something she didn't want, the only thing she would have to worry about is deciding how hard to kick his ass."

"Not helping, Leah," Jacob snapped. When he addressed me, it was with only loving concern: "I'd rather have you mad at me than see you hurt. You've got time. Too slow won't kill you. This way you can be the one to set the pace."

And he meant it. Completely. Jacob was one hundred percent fine with everything. It wasn't really his fault his genetic makeup required him to establish dominance over every person he met. I believed him when he said he wanted me to be happy with Frank.

I was just a six year old kid, to him. A child with a new toy that he would let me play with. As long as it made me happy, he wouldn't dream of taking it away from me. Deep down I think he was probably relieved, glad he had yet another reason to ignore my physical maturity. Nothing would please him more than to find out I would be a child forever.

Thankfully, Leah could see treating me like I was six wasn't going to work. She offered, "And I suppose I can tell you how to get him to hurry up."

"You said you waited forever to get kissed."

"Have you met Sam? He doesn't cross the street unless the light's green and sometimes when the crosswalk is broken, he just won't go. Clearly he wasn't going to fool around unless I...encouraged him a little."

Her smirk was mostly terrifying, though I suppose I could see how members of the opposite sex would find it appealing in a strangely twisted way. Jacob evidently didn't mind, what with the smile playing on his lips. Still, he stayed by my side. I supposed a little encouragement couldn't hurt.

"Before I can get him to hurry up, I have to get him to start. Which brings me back to my original point—I need to witness the proper technique. My family refuses to oblige me, except for Emmett and Rosalie and they start and then forget I'm there and I just really don't want to see that. So I need you two to show me how I should go about doing this."

"Watch movies," Leah said breezily. A bit of discomfort had entered her posture. I assumed she was considering the possibility, even if she was a little unwilling to think about it. Excellent.

"I did. In Cruel Intentions, they instructed me to practice on my friends. And since I don't know anyone my age around here...I'll settle for just witnessing the act in person. Preferably with less tongue than in the movie. That was just, sort of...a little too much."

"I cannot believe your taking relationship advice from celluloid."

"And books," I muttered, blushing just a little bit. I knew how dumb it was but at the same time... "Where else am I supposed get advice from? Shelia's the only friend I have, unless you count her sisters and it's been centuries since they were last in my position, so they're absolutely useless. And somehow I don't really feel comfortable walking up to someone, grabbing them, and holding them still while I figure out what to do."

"No wonder Embry's been so happy lately," Jacob muttered.

I liked happy Embry. Happy Embry sought out my company, making sure I was okay, but understood I didn't need another guardian. Happy Embry just wanted us to be friends, because it was a good idea to be friends with his girlfriend's friend. If we didn't get along it would hurt Shelia and that would make happy Embry unhappy Embry.

Plus, even as happy Embry, Embry could be counted on to accidently say things he probably shouldn't.

It had been good to hear that Leah's current boyfriend was not going to hold onto the title for very long. Even if it wasn't very nice of Leah to date him simply to placate her mother.

"So could the two of you help me? Please?"

"Nessie, there isn't a number high enough to describe how many levels of wrong that would be," Jacob said, turning his attention back to the burgers. "Just watch Titanic, or something. That's girly."

Leah couldn't help herself. "Yeah, stripping down and lying in front of them usually gets them to kiss you."

"Do you want to eat today or not?"

"You two aren't helping," I complained. "I'm going to ruin this and then I'm going to blame you."

"Just when I thought you were passed the whole 'blame Leah for everything wrong in your life' phase," Leah sighed. "Here we go again."

"I never blamed you. I just wished you'd adjust so there would stop being problems. And I did stop." Even if she had never admitted why she hadn't liked me. Maybe it was because I used to openly resent her company.

"These are almost done," Jacob said. "Do we have drinks?"

"I'll get them," Leah said, heading inside. "Do we need anything else?"

"Forks and knives."

Jacob sighed. "Come on, Nessie. They're burgers.

"I'm not getting you cutlery," Leah informed me.

"Then I'll get it myself." I had been eating with them for six years. By now, you would think they would have given up trying to force me to eat like them. Hamburgers just tasted better if you cut them into tiny pieces first.

I followed Leah inside, shutting the sliding door behind me. One last try couldn't hurt. "You really won't kiss Jacob for me?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because the whole world doesn't exist to make you happy," she snapped. "Drop it."

"But why? If I can be with someone else I don't see why he can't—"

The pop can she held in her hand didn't survive the force she exerted. Carbonated soft drink ended up spraying everywhere. Including all over us. Which encouraged Leah to start cursing rapidly. And loudly.

"It's fine," I said, interrupting her tirade. The paper towels hadn't gotten wet, so I used them to try and dry myself off. It didn't work that well, and I was sticky underneath, so I was glad when Leah dragged us over to the sink to try and wash some of it off.

As I stuck my arm under the running faucet, Leah asked quietly, "Doesn't it bother you knowing this whole thing with Frank comes with an expiration date?"

"Everything comes with an expiration date." We simply had to fulfill our responsibilities before then.

"Feelings shouldn't."

I had to look up, to look her full in the face. I always had to and always would. It didn't bother me—the only thing I didn't like was how upset she looked when I did. Because while Jacob and I would end up quickly adapting, at the end, she wouldn't be able to. She wouldn't magically get better.

"I'm sorry. I never thought about it like that."

Understanding feelings had never been my strong suit.

"What?" She easily retreated behind sarcasm. "There's something out there you haven't thought about? Call CNN."

"Shut up," I muttered, hitting her with me hip. She bumped me back, so she could stand more directly in front of the sink. I let her push me away. It was easier to think if you weren't cleaning at the same time. "I don't want to just sit around waiting. And this might be my only chance to be with someone of mostly equal mental capacity."

She snorted. "It shouldn't just be about that, you know. It should be...being able to talk about all the dumb things in your head, too, all that stupid stuff that it would be too embarrassing to tell anyone else. And—"

"They're getting cold," Jacob called as he opened the door. "What's—what happened to you two?"

"You were right. They should make Coke cans stronger," Leah told him.

"It's about time you agreed with me. You guys need some help?"

"We're good. Don't eat too many before we get there."

He laughed, promised he wouldn't and then went back outside. Leah headed upstairs to grab us a change of clothes. I stayed by the sink, feeling terrible...at least until I turned my mind to the problem of what movie would give the best model of a first kiss.

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A/N: The original plan was to skip over the first kiss, like I skipped over the first date, but I'm starting to feel guilty about doing both. But that requires there be less Leah and Jacob in a chapter. Opinions?

Oh and when Nessie called Jacob a high-school dropout that was more in an I-think-your-intellectually-stunted than in a real he-failed-high-school way. In this story, Jacob graduated high school; he just doesn't act like it to Nessie's satisfaction.