Forever and Always
Children
"This is a bad idea," Severide complained as he helped Casey out of the car and into his wheelchair.
"So you've said..." Casey smiled. "About four times already."
"It's busy and…"
"And everyone here is germ infested?" He grinned, unlocking the wheelchair brakes whilst Severide closed the car door and locked it up.
"Well… yes," Severide responded.
"C'mon, if we don't get going then it will just get even busier," he retorted, sounding more enthusiastic than he felt about this expedition. At least he felt it was going to be an expedition, so he hadn't bothered with his prosthetic since the socket wasn't fitting correctly at the moment but he had an appointment with the prosthetist soon. Today was most likely going to be exhausting and Casey knew his limits. He pulled on his Vogmask and they started to make their way to the elevator over in the corner of the parking lot.
Severide sighed. "I hate Christmas shopping."
"Hey! How can you say that?" Casey said in mock offence. "You've never been Christmas shopping with me."
"Do you like Christmas shopping?" Severide threw the ball back into Casey's court.
"I… I like the Christmas part of it… just not the shopping part…" He frowned, feeling even less enthusiastic about the day. "But we'll get to see all the lights and trees, and I've missed the lead up to Christmas for the last two years, and the lead up is probably better than the actual day itself… I'm sorry about last…"
"Let's not talk about last Christmas." Severide smiled. Severide realised what an anxious experience this could be for Casey, especially in his chair rather than walking with his crutches. They rarely went shopping except for groceries, it wasn't the most practical activity for Casey and clothes and essentials could easily be bought online. He turned to Casey as they waited for the elevator to reach their floor. "Hey… today is gonna be all right, it will be busy but you can just ram everybody out of the way." That made them both laugh. Casey's eyes lit up when he smiled and that was all Severide wanted to see just now. He just wanted to see him happy.
After almost two hours of shopping they took a break in a coffee shop. Casey stopped his chair in a quiet corner whilst Severide went to the counter to get their drinks. Shoppers were still frantically hunting for last minute gifts as it was the last weekend before Christmas. People came in for take-out food and drink but there weren't many customers sitting in the place.
"I should do stuff like this more often," Casey commented as Severide sat down at their table with a couple of drinks.
"Shopping?" He chuckled, nodding towards the hordes of shoppers passing by laden with bags.
"Not necessarily shopping but just normal stuff, things I used to do."
"What did you used to do?"
Casey grinned. "What are you insinuating?"
"Well… other than work you didn't really do that much," Severide replied.
"Thanks, Kelly..." He rolled his eyes. "We used to go out more," he continued after he'd taken a sip of his drink.
"My liver is probably grateful we don't go out so much." Severide laughed.
"We didn't drink that much." Casey shook his head, smiling. "Did we?"
"No, guess not." He shrugged
"We used to run together…" Casey ventured, it was still a sore subject and he immediately regretted mentioning it.
"Well, we can walk together? And how about giving basketball another go? You have kinda been cooped up in the apartment for a while…"
"And who's fault is that?" he teased.
Severide gazed into Casey's eyes for a few moments before he spoke again. "You're the most important person, most important thing in the world to me. Forgive me if I'm a little too over protective."
"No need to get all mushy." Casey grinned but he appreciated the sentiment. He'd never had anyone in his life like Severide, never had anyone who loved him unconditionally, it had taken a while to get used to, and he still wasn't used to it.
"I just want you to be healthy and happy and…"
"I am." He nodded sincerely. "What's brought all this on? The transplant?"
"Yeah, and maybe the…"
"The time of year," Casey spoke knowingly. "I'm glad you didn't get me a legiversary cake, I didn't want to think about it this year." The anniversary of Casey's injuries had come and gone without acknowledgement. Severide had spent the whole day with him to distract him from dwelling on it and allowing memories of the trauma to affect him as they had in the past. There was no mention of that terrible day two years previously.
"It's getting a little easier, isn't it?"
Casey nodded. "Yeah it is. If it weren't for all the…" He shook his head. "I wouldn't give it much thought, I don't give it much thought, which I'm sure a shrink would tell me is a bad thing, I shouldn't just shove things to the back my mind but we both know it works," he said with a smile.
"To an extent," Severide replied carefully, recalling the amputation scene he'd been at only a couple of weeks previously, not long after the two year anniversary of Casey's own amputation ironically.
"Kelly, I don't want to be the person who lost a leg, but sometimes…" He paused for a moment before continuing. "Sometimes I don't recognise myself but like you said I've not really done anything recently, not really done anything all year."
"Well, 2017 can be your comeback." Severide smiled.
Casey chuckled slightly at that but then his amusement quickly turned to sadness. "My comeback," he repeated quietly. "My comeback to what?"
Severide studied Casey's face for a while before responding. "I've always said that you can do whatever you want to do. I mean it."
"Can I be a firefighter?" he questioned sardonically, staring down into his mug.
"Is that all you want?"
"No." He shook his head, his voice quiet.
"You want a family," Severide said knowingly. "I'll give you a family, Matt."
Casey just stared at him before pulling his gaze away, he shook his head again.
"You don't want a family with me anymore?" Severide questioned. "I know I've never been the family type but…"
"I still want a family with you…" He sighed, he was struggling with all this now. "I do want a family, you're right, it is what I want, what I've wanted since… since forever, it was always my goal, always my plan, but… but now, right now, my head's all over the place… I can't even look after myself sometimes…"
"It doesn't have to happen straight away, I'm not talking about the next couple of months. I know you think you should be recovering quickly from the transplant but it's gonna take time and the meds aren't…"
"The meds aren't great," Casey finished for him.
"No, they're not," Severide agreed. "But we'll have a family, we'll make it happen, you'd be such an amazing dad."
"So would you… or maybe we would both just end up fucking them up like…" Casey's voice trailed off, he couldn't bring himself to say what he was thinking.
"Like your parents did?" he teased. "You won't."
"I don't have the best family track record…"
"Did you say them?" Severide spoke with a smile on his face.
Casey just shrugged.
"Them sounds good."
"Really?"
"Yes, really, Matt."
Once they left the coffee shop they didn't spend much more time shopping. They didn't have many people to buy for. They'd both already bought their presents for each other online and were both pleased with their purchases. Severide had wanted to do some clothes shopping whilst they were there, partly because he knew Casey could do with a few new items, but it hadn't gone successfully. Casey had days where he felt incredibly self-conscious and his self-esteem seemed to be at an all-time low. His self-esteem had never been great but the last two years had worn him down, he no longer had the strength to hide his insecurities. He'd hid himself behind his walls and it had made him a great firefighter, a great leader, but he didn't have that anymore, in a way Severide was pleased that he no longer shielded himself away, he loved how comfortable Casey was around him, how free he was with all of his emotions but he also realised how truly riddled with issues Casey really was. Life had thrown a lot of shit in his court.
Casey was sat in his primary physician's office a couple of days later, the man oversaw all his care, they'd been talking for ten minutes. It was his first check-up since the surgery. The doctor finished his notations on the file in front of him and looked at Casey studiously. "Matt, how are you really doing?" the doctor spoke.
"I was just saying how great everything's been?" Casey replied, frowning a little.
"It all sounds a little too great," the doctor told him with a quizzically raised brow.
Casey sighed. "The side effects," he began slowly. "They're not great… they're horrid."
"The tremors and stomach cramps are still quite prevalent, the joint and muscle pain has reduced," the doctor said, having already discussed them with Casey earlier on. "What else has been going on in the last few weeks? Nausea?"
Casey shook his head. "Not really… isn't it obvious?"
"Isn't what obvious?"
"The prednisone, it's making me eat more, making me…" He looked away. "Making me fat." He almost laughed at how ridiculously juvenile the words sounded as they left his lips. He tapped his fingers nervously against his left thigh.
"Matt could you get onto the scales for me?" he asked as he got to his feet and walked over to where the weight and height measure stood.
Casey was a little taken aback at the request. "Sorry?"
"I want to prove something to you. Your prosthetic still weighs the same? You've not had any adjustments made to it recently?"
"No, it's the same," Casey told him, standing up and going over to the scale, leaning his crutches against the wall.
"All right, on you get then," the man smiled at Casey's somewhat bewildered expression as he stepped onto the scales. "Good. Ok, you can sit back down," he said before Casey even had a chance to glance at the reading.
They both sat back down opposite each other.
"Ok, so..." he began as he looked at Casey's electronic chart. "You were underweight pre-transplant and your discharge weight was even lower."
"Yeah," Casey replied ruefully, slightly ashamed of the fact because he'd always kept himself fit and healthy.
"Matt, you've only gained 9lbs and you're still borderline underweight... I could tell when you first came in," the doctor told him. "So we still need you to gain a little more weight."
"Oh… right..." He was genuinely surprised.
"Listen, this may sound odd, but one of the major side effects of prednisone is anxiousness," the man watched as Casey nodded knowingly. "And I think partly because you have already experienced a few side effects from all the new meds you've started overly worrying about them."
"9lbs..." Casey shook his head. "I feel like an idiot… had more than one massive row with Kelly over all of this and it's insignificant. I was just annoyed at everything, at nothing… and now you're going to tell me that's a side effect because I know it is, because I studied them, so why didn't I just take a step back and stop… is it always going to be like this? Because I am not pleasant to be around most of the time." He sighed heavily.
"The side effects will lessen when the dosage is lessened," the doctor told him positively.
"But when will that be?" He sighed again. "I shouldn't complain. I'm not complaining I'm just…" He struggled to find the words to explain his thoughts and feelings.
"You're just adjusting," the doctor nodded.
Casey thought for a moment before he spoke. "Yeah, yeah I am," he agreed with the man. "But the last couple of times I've had to adjust I pushed Kelly away deliberately."
"Do you want to do that now?"
"No," he replied immediately. "It's the last thing I want to do but I am doing it, I really am horrible to be around."
"I doubt it, Matt," the doctor reassured him. "Have you thought about going back to the psychiatrist?" he queried carefully, knowing it was rather a sore subject at times.
"I probably should." Casey's mouth turned up into a mirthless smile that didn't reach his eyes.
"But you don't want to?"
"Not yet." He shook his head.
"Ok, well that's fine, we can discuss it another time." The doctor made some notes on the file before him on the desk before looking back up at Casey. "Now then, meds. You've had more painkillers than usual recently. You've had more pain? Surgical related?"
"My pelvis has been acting up and my left leg," Casey admitted, realising it was pointless hiding anything from the physician or anyone on his care team. He'd learned that the hard way over the past couple of years.
"Arthritic and nerve pain?"
"I think that's the cause most the time. I've also been a lot less active over the last… well, ten months or so, and I don't think that helps my pelvis," he explained quietly.
"No physio at the moment?" the doctor asked.
"Insurance won't cover any more sessions right now but I'm trying to do some of the things Ty set out for me," he told the man.
"And you're taking Tylenol for the stomach cramps?"
"No, well, I was, but it doesn't really do anything," he said with a small shrug.
"Does your stomach hurt every day or is it less often now?"
"Maybe once a day, it varies. Doesn't really seem to be after something specific like eating or exercising or anything," he explained. "Heat pad helps," he added.
"Well, that's something at least."
"'Seems like a long list of problems but I am all right. I really do feel better when I feel better, if that makes sense?"
"It does. And I'm glad. If your left leg starts to make things more difficult I think I'll refer you back to the orthopaedist if that's something you want. But for now we'll get you in to remove stent second week of the new year and that will time well with you next blood draw, and I'll see you then as well, save you coming in more than once that month."
"One hospital visit in a month, that's quite impressive." Casey looked pleased at that thought.
"Yes it is." The doctor smiled at him. "Well, I hope you have a good Christmas, Matt, and I'll see you in January."
"You too, thanks for everything."
Everything had been going well for days, weeks even, so much so that Severide had almost forgotten how bad it could get. He'd not seen Casey like this since before his hospital stay. He knew things hadn't been perfect but he'd not seen Casey have such a serious episode for such a long time. There was little he could do as Casey's tears flooded his face. He'd been crying out in his sleep, trapped underneath all that concrete once again. Reliving the pain and fear he'd felt that day.
"Matt, baby, wake up… open your eyes… c'mon, baby…" Severide tried to rouse Casey's distressed form but words had no effect. He began to stroke his head gently, all the while talking gently to him. "Come on baby..."
Eventually Casey's eyes flickered open but they remained unseeing and unfocused.
"Matty, it's me, it's Kelly, you're ok, you're at home, you're fine," Severide tried to reassure him. The blank trance-like expression on Casey's face was eerie. "You're home, you're safe," he repeated as he took Casey's hand. "Can you feel me?"
"Kel…" Casey murmured eventually.
"Yeah, I'm here, you're safe, you're home," Severide spoke again.
"Help…"
"You're fine, I promise, you're fine…"
"Can't feel my legs…"
"Matty, listen to me, listen to my voice, ok? You're at home… here…" He placed Casey's hand on the pillow by his head. "Feel this? What is it?"
Severide could do little except watch as Casey frowned, his mind not quite grasping why something so soft would be in such a dark, cold and filthy place.
"It hurts…" he murmured. His placid expression broke, his eyes scrunched in pain, more tears formed and began to flow freely down his face.
"Shh… you're ok, you're ok, you're gonna get through this…"
"No…" Casey cried.
"Please, Matt…" he began, distressed now he was still unable to help him. "Listen to my voice, concentrate on me…"
"Please…" Casey gasped, crying, his voice so low Severide could barely hear him as he tried to curl up to stem the pain he felt.
"Can you get through the next five seconds?" Severide tried.
A small murmur from Casey indicated that he had heard and Severide felt momentary relief that he'd broken through the demons in Casey's head.
"I know you can, so I need you to count to five for me." Severide nodded, now making soothing patterns on Casey's arm. "Go on, you can do that for me, right?"
With a shuddering breath Casey began to count, his words barely intelligible.
"You made it. You can make it through another five seconds," Severide coaxed softly.
"One… two…" his voice was a little steadier and a little louder this time.
It took another hour for Casey to finally relax against Severide's body, lying in his comforting embrace as he was finally released from the nightmares in his head. It had exhausted him, his body felt heavy but he was no longer in agony.
Severide remained holding Casey in his arms until he woke properly late in the morning. When Casey woke he gently pushed Severide's arms away, and resisted any help as he reached over and grabbed his crutches before disappearing into the bathroom. Severide got up and dressed. He sat around waiting for him at the kitchen counter, Casey's actions had been predictable, Severide just hoped it wouldn't take him too long to recover from the previous night.
"You've not missed your meds? I didn't want to wake you when the alarm went off," Severide spoke softly when Casey appeared, dressed in joggers and an old sweater, leg brace and prosthetic now on.
"I took them, wasn't too late," he replied as he made his way over to the kitchen on his crutches. He'd taken extra painkillers too, he'd noticed he'd been doing that a lot lately.
"Breakfast then?" Severide smiled.
Casey just nodded so Severide started making a small cooked breakfast for them both. Casey sat down at the counter and they ate in silence. He then spent most of the day in silence, not at all unusual after such a night. He was physically and mentally drained and he looked it too, pale and weary. Severide was always insistent that he didn't mind Casey's nightmares. He wished Casey didn't have to suffer through them at all but he didn't mind being disturbed by them. Despite Severide's reassurances Casey still felt embarrassed, especially after such a horrible episode that stripped him so raw and bare, and today appearing weak wasn't the only thing on his mind, he was worried about much more.
When the credits rolled at the end of the movie they'd been watching late that afternoon, neither of them had been paying it there full attention, Casey spoke up. "You're not supposed to be comforting me when I have a nightmare," he commented quietly.
Severide turned his head, genuinely surprised at the statement. "Huh... what?" He frowned.
"How am I meant to be a dad when I need you to…" He sighed before continuing. "To save me from the monsters in my head," Casey spoke dejectedly. It's never going to happen, is it? I can't raise a family, I have no job. I rely so much on you and my disability payments… if I'd not had savings… if I'd not sold the house…"
"Matt, baby, just take a moment, just think, think how far you've come," Severide tried, he hated to see Casey so distressed and feeling helpless, unable to make him feel better.
He shook his head, "I'm sorry. Why do I need all this reassurance, why do I need all this help... I'm sorry, I wish I didn't, I wish I was… I wish I was my old self…"
"I don't," Severide spoke with certainty. "I loved you, but I love you even more now."
"Would you still love me if I…" he swallowed. "If I chose to amputate my left leg."
Severide remained silent for a short moment. "You've changed your mind?" he asked.
"I don't know… well, no I haven't, I don't want to do it but… but what if I can do more, what if I have less bad days? I was an idiot and I hurt myself and I'm paying for that… I was… I was depressed and I'd pushed you away and I had nothing, I didn't care, thought I deserved it, I did deserve it, but now you're suffering because of it. I don't know what to do, don't know if I should do anything or if I should go down some other route to see if something works, I just don't know."
"I'm suffering because of your left leg?" Severide frowned, "I'm not. And Matt, it doesn't matter that you don't know, doesn't matter if you take more time to think about it, doesn't matter if you don't do anything, it's all up to you, I will support you no matter what."
"Can we stop? Let's just stop talking, I'm exhausted and…"
"And you don't want to talk about how you're feeling."
"I'm constantly unloading everything onto you, constantly changing my mind, my thoughts are all over the place and it's not fair on you, I want to blame the meds but I've been doing it since all of this happened," Casey spoke, still distraught.
"Matt we're in a relationship, that's what people do." He grinned. "It's not all about the sex."
Casey looked down as he spoke almost nervously. "Is the sex ok?"
"The sex is more than ok." Severide beamed, chuckling at little at Casey's question.
Casey smiled, looking at Severide now. "When I found out how damaged my pelvis was I was petrified that I'd never be able to… to satisfy you… or myself," he said, laughing out of unease.
"You'd love your own children," Severide commented sadly. They'd both tried not to give it much thought over the last two years, there had been more important matters and this had been one issue they had both put to the back of their minds, for more than one reason.
"They would be our children." Casey just smiled, it was forced, he feared this was the conversation they'd been holding back on.
"I mean… biological," he spoke, although he had a feeling Casey knew what he meant. "You'd love your own children," he repeated.
"Would have," Casey corrected him. "Would have loved. Almost impossible now… it is impossible. But it's ok." The damage from his injuries had been widespread. Nerves were intact but full function would never return without intervention.
"Still… I'm sorry," he responded.
"Please don't be. I don't want you to feel sorry for me." Casey paused. "You're not saying you want a family because you feel sorry for me, right?"
"I want a family with you. I want children with you. And I want the whole world to know it."
Casey laughed, shaking his head. "Let's keep it under wraps until we figure it out."
"What's to figure out?" Severide smiled eagerly.
"Loads… and I need to… I need to be better, I can't have what happened last night happen again," he spoke resolutely.
"Matt, it will happen again," Severide said carefully.
He looked at Severide with his eyes wide. "I don't want it to."
"I know." Severide nodded. "They're horrible and I wish they didn't happen. But they do, and we deal with it."
"They make me so… so weak and…"
"You're not weak, you're just…"
"Damaged?"
"Yeah, well, you've always been damaged." Severide smiled. "I knew what I was getting myself into from the start."
"Can we do this? Is this even a suitable home? Will it all work out?"
"We'll make it work," Severide reassured him.
TBC