CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX

There was a fuzzy ringing in my ears that was dull but slow. Out of the darkness came the low creeping of light. It was bright and looked and orange, yellow colour behind my eyelids. What was it? After the ringing left I heard a soft, constant, and annoyingly high pitched 'beep…beep!…beep!…beep!'

My head hurt a bit too, this thudding like I was listening to a drum beat loudly in my ears, the motion in my forehead the mot, echoing to the other parts of my brain. I whimpered a bit at the pain and the tingling that came as the other parts of my body came back to me, that I could actually feel them. The tingling came in a prickly feeling, something like all of my nerves had small needles sticking in them and it hurt. I whimpered again and I heard some shuffling now. The tingling was starting to go as I heard a soft voice, "Rowen?"

Rachelle?

I groaned now, trying to open my eyes. I felt tired and my eyes were like boulders that I tried to lift. After opening them slowly once, halfway, I closed them again, the bright light burning into my eyes. I groaned slightly again, before opening them again. This time, I didn't just see the light. I looked up and saw my eldest sister above me, her blonde hair was in a messy ponytail. She had deep black bags under her eyes and her hair was a little greasy. She wasn't wearing any make-up, which was new to her I knew. She loved wearing make-up.

I saw her smile with relief, a gentle smile before she brought up her hand and gently placed it against my cheek. I felt something else hit my cheek. Something plastic that was brought closer to my face by her hand. Grimacing against it, Rachelle immediately saw the problem and she told me in a quiet voice, "it's okay. It's okay. It's just a tube to help you breathe, okay?"

I thought about what she saw, the fogginess and pain from my brain starting to leave very slowly, but now that I was trying to focus more, I felt the plastic up my noise and around my cheeks and under my nose as well. I let out a breath and nodded a bit. Rachelle moved to lean up a bit and she pressed a button. She looked down at me and told me in a calm, soft voice that comforted me, "you're going to be okay, Rowen. You were in a car accident, but you're in the hospital now."

The car?

No the truck…?

I nodded, the memory of hearing glass break and a loud car alarm coming back to me. The hospital…that was where I was? I looked around, my head not moving. Everything was either beige or white, far away things were still a little blurry. Monitors…and IV beside me…why couldn't I feel that? I clenched my hand slightly, I still didn't feel anything. And the tingling sensation came back after the motion, but it left after about thirty seconds. My brain began to make the connection. The breathing tube, the monitor beeping…the hospital. That made sense. I was in a hospital bed. I couldn't remember getting there…I must have been asleep.

I nodded and she smiled at me again. I heard a door open and Rachelle looked up and over her shoulder. I saw an Asian doctor come into the room. She looked Korean. Her long dark hair was in a ponytail and she had a clipboard in her hand. She held it to her and when she saw me, a smile came onto her face. She looked busy before, but now she was relieved.

"It's nice to see that you are awake, Rowen." the doctor said.

Rachelle smiled again and she told the doctor, "she just woke up. She's still a little sluggish."

The doctor nodded and she moved to stand beside me, making notes already on her clipboard. Since she was closer now I could see her name tag. Jennifer Kim. As I watched her write, I felt something on my hand. I looked down and moved my hand a bit, the tingling sensation gone, and now I could feel the IV move with my hand. I looked back up at the doctor before she asked me, "how do you feel, Rowen?"

I thought for a moment before I said, "foggy." That was the best word I could describe it.

She nodded and wrote something down, "it might take you a little bit to wake up, you were in a coma for a while. Your brain needs to 'wake up' again and function with high stimuli like before."

I nodded, telling her I understand. She asked me, "are you in any pain?"

"My head hurts." I answered her, "forehead."

She wrote something down and asked me, "can you wiggle your fingers?"

The tingling was gone thankfully, I moved my fingers. She looked at both and nodded before making a quick note. She leaned down the stretcher and she moved the blanket at my feet. I could see my bare toes. She looked back up at me and she asked me, "Rowen can you wiggle your toes?"

There was a bit of tingling at first, but two seconds later it was gone. The doctor nodded and she asked, "Rowen, do you think you can move your leg up? Tell me if you feel any pain."

I knew what this was for. She wanted to make sure that nothing was seriously wrong, that I didn't have nerve damage or anything from the crash that would make it hard for me to walk or where I would need physical therapy. I took in a breath before I moved my leg. It was a bit of a strain, but I watched as it went up beneath the bed sheets. The doctor smiled and asked, "now the other?"

I set that leg down, still slow before I tried to do the same with the other leg. It was slow and a bit strenuous, but the doctor still smiled. She wrote for a while on the clip board, switching to another page as she flopped the first one over and wrote on the next one before bringing back the first. She looked up at me and asked me, "any pain? Tingling?"

"There was tingling right when I woke up, but it's gone now. It's just a bit stressful right now." I answered her.

She told me, "you're still waking up, the good thing is that you could lift it that high and no pain. Even as sluggish as you are, it's a good sign. But you said there was some tingling when you woke up?"

I nodded, "everywhere."

She noted this. "No pain now though?"

I nodded. She moved and pinched some of the skin at my foot. I felt the dull ache in my skin and she asked me, "you feel this?"

Nodding, she let me go and tried the other foot. "And here?"

After I nodded, she moved to do the same to my arms and parts of my hand. I felt them and told her so. She took a couple more notes, my sister still sitting silently beside me, watching me interact with the doctor and respond to her.

Dr. Kim set her clipboard down and she leaned in closer to me. She held out her hand and held up her index finger in front of me, the level of my eyes. She asked me, "can you follow my finger Rowen."

She was testing my responses. Were people seriously worried that I would have a problem with some of these things? What happened to me? But I followed her finger anyway as it went side to side a couple of times before going up and down once. She wrote the results down and I laid there and watched her, hoping that I was doing everything right.

The doctor turned and she looked at the monitors for a couple of seconds, mouthing something to herself as she talked before writing something down. She turned back to me as I laid their patiently, Rachelle now holding my other hand and still leaned in close to me.

The woman told me, "I'm Dr. Kim by the way. Sorry. I'm really glad to see that you are awake, Rowen. You gave everyone here quite a scare."

"A car accident?" I asked again, to make sure.

Dr. Kim nodded. She explained to me after looking over her notes, "your car was side hit and it went into the ditch. You flipped a couple of times. You have damage to your wrist, just bent the wrong way. A bit more than a sprain, but it's not broken. The airbag caused two of your ribs to crack, which there is trauma there already I see, but that was explained by one of your friends. Nothing that won't be fixed soon. You had some internal bleeding and head trauma, some cuts and a gash, but all in all you will be okay physically. You are responding well physically. Like I said, a bit tired, but you just have to wake up a bit more, but after that I think you will be just like new."

"Dr. Kim, I thought you said that my sister could have some memory or mental problems." Rachelle said a little nervously. I knew that she didn't want to bring it up, especially in front of me, but I could tell that she just wanted to be sure about me and my health.

The doctor smiled and told her, "I was just about to test that. You're already getting a bit more activity with your brain and you are working well, thinking well. Nothing seems to stand out. You are talking right, and you seem to respond to questions well, you can nod, talk, you know what I'm saying and can process it, but I'll just ask you a couple of questions, Rowen, just so we can get a bit more of an idea about your memory, if there are any impairments. With the trauma you had it is not uncommon to see little to a lot of amnesia or dilemmas in your thinking process in one shape of another."

I nodded. It was a long explanation, but I took in every word. And I could already feel my head getting less foggy. Now I just felt tired, but I felt alright. I could hear things better again and I could think past the pain.

"Okay. We'll start with easy things. Can you tell me your full name?" Dr. Kim asked.

"Rowen Amanda Byrnes." I answered almost immediately, my voice still soft.

"What town do you live in?"

"Charming, California."

"How old are you?"

"Twenty-seven."

"When is your birthday?"

"September 23, 1973."

Dr. Kim looked at Rachelle and now so did I. She asked, "do you know who is sitting beside you."

"My sister," I answered, squeezing her hand. She smiled and squeezed back.

"Can you say her full name?" Dr. Kim asked.

"Rachelle Ava Byrnes." I answered.

Rachelle smiled wider. Her fear about me forgetting her after my car accident gone now. Maybe the thought that I had memory loss faded in her altogether. She looked confident in me now.

"Rowen?" Dr. Kim asked.

I looked over at her again.

"Do you remember my name?" Dr. Kim asked, testing my short term memory.

"Dr. Kim." I answered.

"Good." She smiled and looked down at the papers on her clipboard, moving some over the edge so that she could get to the one she wanted. I watched her, waiting for the next questions. I was sure that she would not be done with just that. And I was right. Finally, she asked me, "can you name your siblings full names for me, including Rachelle, from youngest to oldest, please?"

"Rodger James Byrne, Rodney Tyler Byrne, Rebecca Emma Byrne, Rhea Alexis Byrne, and Rachelle Ava Byrne." I answered, remembering my brother's and sister's name easily.

"Out of your siblings, who is older than you and who is younger?"

"I'm between Rhea and Rebecca." I answered.

"What is your father's name?"

"Brandon."

"Middle name?"

She looked up at me. Rachelle shook her head, "I barely know my parent's middle names either."

"We'll let her see." Dr. Kim said before looking at me, her eyes literally saying 'well, what's the answer.'

I sighed and thought for a moment before answering her, "I want to say Charles or Charlie…something like that."

"Charlie. Good." Dr. Kim said, "what about your mother?"

"Melissa…and I want to say Anna, Annie…no Anne?" I kept thinking quick. It was something like that. Annabelle even. It was something near that.

Dr. Kim smiled, "you are right. Melissa Anne. Very good Rowen, you are doing extraordinary well. You are responding well and with little or no hesitation."

That made me feel a bit better. So I wasn't going insane.

"I've heard from your family that you have a number of dogs, ones that really miss you and they were trying to convince me to let them come in to see you. They thought that it would make you feel better. How many dogs do you have, what breed, names?" Dr. Kim said, looking at Rachelle as well so she could confirm what my answer would be.

I answered the doctor, already feeling better as I thought of Buddy: "I have four dogs. There is Buddy, he is a black lab, Sarah who is a dalmatian, Boomer who is a German Shepard, and Molly. She's a Australian Shepard."

Dr. Kim looked at Rachelle to confirm if what I was saying was true. My sister nodded and Dr. Kim nodded as well before looking back at me. She wrote some notes on her clipboard and the room was silent again for a couple of minutes. Afterwards, she looked back up at me and I waited for the next question that she would ask.

"What is ten times thirteen?" she asked me.

"One hundred and thirty." I answered a couple of seconds later.

"Six times six?"

"Thirty-six."

"What is five hundred take away one hundred and sixty?"

"Four hundred and forty."

She made some notes before she moved to the back piece of paper. She took the other papers out before going to the back of the last one. She brought it over on the clipboard and set it out front. She wrote something down quickly even though Rachelle and I waited patiently for her. She moved the clipboard so that we could face what she had written down. She told me, "Rowen can you tell me what this says?"

I looked at the words and answered her, reading aloud, "The fluffy cat was walking down the street and a little girl found her and took her home."

She nodded and smiled. She set the clipboard down and she told us, "Rowen you are responding very well. As far as I can tell, there are no memory or thinking problems. Nothing physical either."

"Can she see the others? I know that they really want to see her." Rachelle commented.

Wait…there were others? Who? Why weren't they in here? In fact, where were my other siblings? Where was my mother?

Dr. Kim thought for a moment, frowning a bit before she answered, "I can get them and inform them about Rowen's new condition. Only a couple of people at a time. I don't want you to get too overwhelmed, Rowen. I can still see that you're tired."

I nodded. I was still tired. I wouldn't mind taking another couple of hours to sleep.

"Okay, so like two to three at a time?" Rachelle asked.

"No more than three." Dr. Kim said, "at least not until I get back and see how she is doing. Also, if she needs to go to sleep then let her get some."

"Of course." Rachelle nodded.

Dr. Kim got off of the stretcher and she grabbed her clipboard, bringing it to her chest before she moved to the door. As she opened it, she looked over her shoulder before going out and she told us, "I'll tell the others. These two can come in if they want though."

I gave her a weird look before seeing her grin at the guys and move out of the doorway. I kept watching the door to see Happy look in first, looking at me before he moved in a bit slowly, as if I was a deer and he didn't want to scare me away. Tig was the next to come in and he looked at me as well. He gave me a small smile, whereas Happy's face was still blank as it always was. He didn't want to show any emotion. Tig on the other hand went to me and he gave me a small hug while I was laying down. Rachelle smiled at us and Tig moved back a bit. Happy stood beside the door, leaning against the wall and just watching me.

"Hey Doll." Tig told me before he hugged me. I brought up my one hand that was in a cast and hugged him back with one arm, a warm feeling going into me, "I'm glad you're okay. You really scared us."

"She is okay, right?" Happy asked Rachelle, actual concern in his tone.

Rachelle nodded looking at him before explaining, "the doctor said that she was doing really well, still waking up and a bit sluggish, but now she is mostly tired. She said not too many visitors at a time though."

Tig nodded and rubbed my shoulder before I asked him, trying to understand better what he said, "us? Who's here?"

"Everyone." Tig answered with a small smile, "None of the guys could leave. We're all too worried. Plus, Donna and Opie are still here, leaving tomorrow so we have been watching them as well. Donna really wanted to see you. Well, everyone does. Gemma was panicked at the garage. She heard everything on the phone and then she was here when the doctors said that they needed to resuscitate you."

"Tig!" Rachelle whispered, as though it was a secret.

I looked between them, a bit confused before I looked at Happy. Hi face did not waver, but I saw something moving in his eyes. I knew he wouldn't lie to me. I began to think and the connection came to me like a cartoon lightbulb in my head.

"Wait…" I said slowly, looking between them, "I…I died?"

There was silence around the room before Tig finally nodded slowly.

"Yeah, Doll. By the time a couple of the guys found you, the ambulance was already loading you up to take you here. We followed and I guessed sometime on the way, while you were closer to the hospital that your heart stopped." Tig explained slowly, his voice soft.

Why did I have a small, uncanny feeling to what he was talking about? That didn't make sense for me. I had died didn't I?

"Clay called your family to bring them down." Happy explained

"And the entire Byrne clan is here," Rachelle commented with a small smile on her face now, hoping to get off on a new subject. So my siblings were here somewhere, "We came as soon as Clay called. We even called Sarah and Kiara and Jasmine. Jasmine couldn't come, but Rhea is calling her."

"Sarah and Kiara are here too?" I asked.

She nodded, "of course…God Rowen we were so worried. Clay said it was bad, and when we got here…it was bad, but I didn't know that…that you died. We thought that your friends should know before word got out and they heard it from someone else, and they came. Even Sarah's family is here."

"Everyone you know is practically here." Tig said, hoping to make a joke.

"And have been every day. We've been taking turns to stay with you in case you woke up, but we'd be here from open to close for visiting hours, most of us just hiding in the waiting room and taking up space," Rachelle explained, laughing lightly a bit at the last part. That explained why she looked so tired. She hadn't been sleeping. Looking back at Tig and Happy, they didn't look so awake themselves.

I gulped, the words sinking in. The fear creeping in. I had died. Died. D-I-E-D. And the guys had been there. Gemma had been there? That's what Tig said. Tig said that everyone was here now, and here as in the hospital. Were they all worried for me?

I think I got it now. The guys were here to make sure I was okay, that I could muster and understand. And it brought a little warmth to my heart that they were all still here. That brotherhood that I kept telling people about what I kept hoping to be a part of. It went more than just saying I was in a group, these guys had stayed with me because I had died and they were scared. And I guessed that how these two were outside of my doorway that they were guarding me to make sure that no one would get in that they didn't approve of.

But why was Donna still here?

Wait.

Donna…the baby! Gemma was on the phone with us to talk about how Opie and Donna were on the way to the hospital because Donna was going to have her baby.

Something felt wrong then. A quick, sinking feeling that went to the pit of my stomach and made me want to vomit. I wondered for a second why I was feeling this way before I remembered the us.

Us…

Happy saw it coming and he stepped forward and told me, placing his hand on my shoulder, "Rowen, don't bring this on you."

"Eli." I whispered and it echoed in the room as the other three stopped breathing along with me. They looked at me and made side glances at each other. Nervousness and sadness was showing bright in their eyes. It made my stomach sink more to the point where I almost wanted to fold into a ball. I knew what happened by their reaction. I knew from how they looked at me. We were hit at the side. Eli's side. I remember that. His side was hit. He hit. It was bad enough that I had died and had major trauma.

I nodded slowly, looking down. I felt Happy grip my shoulder as I whispered, "he's dead."

Happy was the only one to nod, the only one to tell the truth for me. He answered me, still holding my shoulder as Tig looked at me, watching to make sure that I wouldn't get to emotional. Or even if I did that he was there for comfort.

"It's not your fault. Nothing you could have done." Happy told me, "don't beat yourself up for this."

But…Eli? No. It wasn't fair. I came back! I came back!

It was as though Happy could hear my thoughts. Or was I mumbling? I couldn't tell. Rachelle gripped my hand and Happy told me, "Rowen, you need to stop. You can't think like that. The doctor's say that he died very shortly after impact or once the car flipped. I know it's a horrible situation, you came back and he didn't, but that is nothing on you. Don't go insane thinking like it's your fault or feeling guilty that you are here and he isn't."

"But I came back." I whispered weakly.

"Rowen look at me." Happy said in a hard tone, but was yet soft for him.

I did as he said and he looked me in the eyes. His eyes captured mine and he told me, "it's not your fault. You aren't the one who hit the truck. It's not your fault you are here and it's not your fault that he's not."

I stared at him and he stared back at me. I still had that sinking feeling, the feeling of guilt. No, it wasn't my fault that Eli died, but I had come back. It wasn't as though I deserved life more than him. We'd been talking yesterday, right? A normal conversation?

No…no he was telling me about his love life…He…

I was brought out of my thoughts by Happy, who gently shook me again. Tig and Rachelle watching our interaction. I looked at him again, though I never stopped this time I was actually looking. I could see some type of confidence in his eyes, but something soft as well. Something…comforting? That was almost an odd look for him.

I nodded, still looking at him and I gulped. Happy told me, "it's not your fault. Nothing you could do about it. No sense getting hung up on this, Rowen."

I nodded again, this time agreeing, even if just a little bit. It wasn't my fault. I knew that, but I just wished he was here, that he was in another room, that the guys were waiting for him to wake up as well. I didn't even know where he was now, but I knew that I couldn't get hung up, that I couldn't let myself get distracted.

I heard a knock at the door and someone began to open it. Rachelle and Tig looked over their shoulders but Happy didn't. He kept looking at me, this time now rubbing my shoulder softly. It was when we both heard the voice did Happy finally look over his shoulder as well.

It was Gemma, "can I come in…just really quick before everyone comes up?"

Tig looked between the three of us and he said, "I'll come back later." He turned back to me and moved down to kiss my head, like in a sister and brother way. He told me gently, "I'll see you later, Doll, okay. Glad you're back."

I gave him a smile and he got off of the stretcher. Happy moved back as well and this time I saw Gemma standing at the doorway. Even though she still looked bold and you could tell her presence was there, she looked just slightly more frail than normal. Even she had slight bags under her eyes.

She began to walk in and Happy moved more off to the side, standing now against the wall beside me, still looking at us. Gemma came over to me and she looked at Rachelle and told her, "I'll leave soon and come back later so your family can come in."

Rachelle nodded and Gemma looked over at me and she hugged me with both arms. I gently moved mine and hugged her back. She leaned back a bit and took my face in her hands. She told me in a small voice, "you really scared me, Rowen. Don't you do that to me again, you hear?"

I grinned a little before I nodded. She smiled and hugged me once more before letting go and getting off the bed. She gave me one last glance before she opened the door. It was quick and it was probably weird for Rachelle to see something like this, or that she thought Gemma's actions were weird, but I knew Gemma. And I knew that it took her a bit to get herself in here to see me. She was scared, I think. She heard my crash over the phone and had heard that I had to be resuscitated. She thought that I wasn't going to come back.

Gemma told Happy, "baby we have to leave. Let her sisters and brothers see her first. When they are done we can come back, okay."

Happy didn't look at her, just me. And he nodded a little before he got off of the wall. He walked out without another glance at me. Once the door closed, Rachelle looked over at me and I looked over at her. She told me, a small smile on her face, "you're pretty popular with those guys. I guess I should have expected it, but I didn't think that you guys were this close."

I smiled, "like a family."

She nodded, "I was against it, you begin with the Sons of Anarchy, but I let you go because I knew you were smart about this, that you started working with them before getting in too deep. But you never held anything from us, sure details but if we called, you answered, if we visited, you visited with us. Ad it was all still normal. Nothing changed except maybe you were happier. But being with them through this was really eye opening. These guys did not leave, Rowen. They even threatened the nurses when they tried to get us to leave and convinced them to let us stay with you as long as the day could go. They went on the coffee runs for us and they brought us blankets when we fell asleep. And they never left the door. There were always two on guard, as they called it. For protection, that's all they said, but…even though they are criminals, I could see why you like them."

I smiled and told her, "I'll let them know. I'm really glad that they helped you."

Rachelle smiled and she looked over at the door before looking back at me. She asked me, "umm…it doesn't matter to me either way, but the guy who walks around constantly looking like he will murder someone…you two a thing?"

I furrowed my eyebrows together?

"What…me and Happy?" I asked her.

"That's right. That was his name." Rachelle commented.

"No. Nothing is going on between us." I answered, "why would you ask?"

She shrugged, pushing some of her stray blonde hair behind her ear. She told me, "he just never really wanted to leave you. For nights he would stay with you and all day he would be one of your 'guards'. And just now…I don't know you two just seem close."

I shook my head slightly and told her, "no, we're just really alike."

She nodded but I could tell she wasn't convinced. Before we could talk anymore, I heard the door open and I saw Rhea and Rebecca at the door. I gave them a smile and they burst in, going to hug me. I would talk with the others later. I knew that I had time. I didn't know how long I would be there, but somehow, in this hospital I just felt a little sheltered. And I didn't have to worry about what would face me outside.