CHAPTER THIRTY FOUR

A Change of Heart.

I don't know how I fell asleep alone, but I did. It was a little after ten and my first thought was of Sarah. Is she awake yet? I got up and showered, brushed my teeth and shaved. I peered around her bedroom door and I could see her curled up under her covers breathing deeply. I'll leave her a while before I wake her to talk.

I ate a bacon sandwich while I thought about what to say to Sarah once she woke. I was still angry with her for lashing out and I was still hurt by the fact she thought I would ever cheat, but yesterday taught me something about her that I never fully understood, I didn't see it at the time because I was so tired and drinking didn't help me see any better but now I saw a little bit more of what lay beneath. I knew that she covered what she really thinks and feels, but yesterday she let her guard slip enough to show me she does care about me and I saw just how frightened she was to have someone in her life. That's the reason she lashed out. It wasn't because she thought I slept with Michelle, she slapped me because I told her I love her. I had to wonder just how damaged she was if she couldn't accept that I wanted to be in her life and her heart. I have to talk to her. I have to make her see she doesn't have to be afraid.

I made a cup of tea and put some bread in the toaster while I went to wake her up. I knocked on her door, but she didn't answer. I opened it a fraction and saw the bed was made and had a pair of jeans and a blouse arranged on the end of her bed. She's in the shower.

I knocked on the door and asked if she was in there and she replied that she had gone out. I didn't know if she was in a good mood and she was joking around, or if she wanted to be left alone and didn't want to talk to me. She was so angry last night, but as she ran away from me, she looked so upset. Whether it was from me yelling at her or for what she had done, I didn't know and I really didn't know what mood she was in this morning. I didn't know what mood I was in either. Part of me wanted to kill her for slapping me and part of me wanted to push past all of this and be back in her arms and in her bed again.

Sarah shouted through the door saying she wasn't dressed and she would meet me downstairs but I had already seen her undressed, not in great lighting to allow me to see her clearly, but close enough. God, the way she feels...

"You've got no reason to be shy around me now, remember?" I was getting distracted by thoughts of kissing and touching and being inside her that I began to lose focus of letting her know she couldn't get away with treating me like she has done.

The door opened and the look on her face was not a good one. She looked pale and hungover. I was about to tell her I had made breakfast but she slammed the door on me and retreated back to the bathroom. What the fuck? I was about to yell at her for being a child and running away when I heard her being sick. How much did she have to drink last night?

I asked if she was OK but she didn't answer. I pondered whether or not to go in, but I did that once when Sara had her morning sickness and she got a bit upset at the fact I was witnessing a less than flattering sight of her.

"Sarah? Are you all right in there?" I asked her several times but the only response I got was she needed to brush her teeth. Is she stalling?

I wasn't sure, so I rested against the door and waited her out.

There was silence coming from the bathroom for at least ten minutes. Is she seriously thinking she can hide in there? I wasn't going to let her think she could hide from this any longer and I started to turn the handle, but it was met with resistance. What the f... "Shit." Sarah opened the door at the exact same time as I tried to walk in and she was surprised to say the least that I hadn't gone away.

"Sorry to startle you, I just thought you had fallen asleep in there." I looked her over, from her wet hair down to her long legs that were only half covered by the towel she clung onto and it didn't help the thoughts of how her skin feels with no clothing getting in the way. Time to test her mood. "It's you that's half dressed for once!" I caught the smile of recognition on her face and a slight blush, but it soon faded and her face went back to being unreadable. OK, so she's not sure how she feels either.

She may have been unreadable, but one thing was for certain and that was she doesn't look well at all. Her eyes were weighed down with dark circles and her skin was so pale and ashen that it looked more than a hangover. Come to think of it, she didn't seem drunk last night. Is she ill?

Sarah tried to walk by me with some excuse about grocery shopping, but I let her know that we wasn't going anywhere. I took her hand, which she never tried to pull away from, and led her over to her bed and covered her over while I went to finish her breakfast.

Does she have jelly on her toast? I plunged the switch down on the toaster to reheat the bread and tried to remember if I had seen her eat toast before. I have. She ordered some with her hangover cure in the diner. I remembered her having jelly on one slice and just butter on the other then ate it. I remember thinking something I thought when we first met. She's so odd. But endearing.

I made my way back upstairs and paused at her door. All I knew was that we had to talk, but I had no idea what to say or how to act. I wanted to show her I wasn't going to put up with her temper or her unwillingness to talk, but knowing what I do know about her, I had to make her see I wasn't going to abandon her. I could walk away from her, it would be so much easier than trying to get through to her, but I love her and I had been around the block enough times to know that when something feels right, you shouldn't let go.

I gave Sarah her breakfast and hoped it would restore some colour to her face. I sat and watched her eat and she even smiled that I remembered how she likes her toast. She drank her tea pretty quickly and looked a little better. "Thanks. Did you poison it?" She followed with a little smile, but I could hear a serious undertone to her question. Does she really think I'm that angry with her? Is that why she has hardly said a word to me?

"No I didn't! Poisoning is a woman's choice for murder!" I laughed it off, but I was still concerned that she was a little frightened that I was still angry with her. I took her plate and her cup and leaned over to place them on her bedside locker. I leaned in so close I could smell the sweet coconut scent of her hair. The same scent that lingered on my pillow and the same scent that made it impossible to sleep without her.

I looked in her eyes as I told her we needed to talk and I saw a fleeting look of panic before she looked determined to talk about last night too.

"...I need to say something first." Sarah sat straight backed and looked resolute in her need to talk and I was a bit surprised. I had already thought of a counter to any excuse she would make to run away from this.

"OK. I'm listening." I was a little worried now because she had a determination on her face I hadn't seen before.

"Right." Sarah took a deep breath and turned to look at me, giving me all of her attention for the first time today, but then she lost the look of resolve and for a minute I thought she was going to cry. She reached her hand out to touch my face but then pulled back, like it would hurt if she made contact. "I am so sorry I lost my temper. I know that doesn't make up for it, I know nothing will, but I am really sorry for what I did."

She sounded and looked genuine enough in her apology, she even looked remorseful and her eyes sparkled with moisture, before she blinked it all away and went back to her neutral face. Will she ever stop covering? I wished she would stop with all of her defensive shit for once, I was trying to defuse this situation and all she could do was goad me into being pissed off.

"Is that all you're sorry for?" I looked at her, seeing if I could milk another moment of softness out of her, but she started twirling her hair around her finger and I wasn't sure if it even registered with her that I had asked a question. "Guess so then. I can see you're sorry for slapping me and I'll forgive you this time, but I won't stand for it again. Understood?"

Sarah dropped her hand from her hair and took a deep breath. At first I though it was from relief that she realised I wasn't angry with her, but I was sorely mistaken.

"You won't have to. I meant what I said last night and other times. I don't think we would work and it would be better if you went home." What?

I couldn't quite believe what she was saying. Of all the shit I had put up with from her mouth and her temper, this hurt the most. She had said things before about not being close to anyone and not ever being happy, but this is the only time she had been direct in her wishes and this was the only time it wasn't said in anger or panic. I studied her face she was trying to hide behind her hair and I could see it took strength for her to tell me she wanted me gone and it pissed me off.

The seriousness of her request was evident, but this followed the pattern I had come accustomed to. First came anger, then came defensiveness followed by a momentary softness and honesty, then it went back to defensiveness.

We had the anger last night so was this defensiveness? Is this her trying to protect herself from the possibility of hurt? Fuck it. Fuck her. I can't keep doing this.

"Fine. If that's what you really want."

I was fucking furious. Sarah sat up in her room hiding like a little brat and I was tempted to walk out right now. I knew after the red mist had cleared, I would realise she was in fact just protecting her heart, but at this moment in time she could fucking stay up there so I didn't have to look at her. I refuse to be a playing piece in her silly little games. Fuck her.

I drank a coffee and flicked through the TV channels before I heard footsteps in the entrance hall. If she thinks she can speak to me, she's got another thing coming.

She came into the lounge and I looked at her. She wore brightly coloured clothes and even put on some make up, which I noticed she didn't do much, and it pissed me off that she looked bright and cheery. She even tried to smile at me and the audacity of her made my blood boil. Fuck her.

I broke my gaze and she sighed and walked through to the kitchen. Did she really expect me to be fine with her after what she said? Stupid wasn't one of the words I would associate with Sarah, but she was doing a very good impersonation of being dumb.

I sat for an hour and I still couldn't calm myself. I knew she was out there in her little place that cut her off from the real word and it made me all the more angry that she would rather be out there on her own that in here explaining what the fuck was going on.

'What the fuck is wrong with your sister?' I text Stewie. I knew Sarah would recoil even further if she saw my current mood, but I still needed to vent.

I went to pour another coffee and my cell vibrated in my pocket.

'I shouldn't laugh, but I can't help it! This is every day!' Stewie was right. My texting him to say his sister had a big chip on her shoulder was a regular thing and it wasn't good. Maybe it is better we are over. It shouldn't be this much hard work.

I added some sugar to my coffee, which I didn't usually take, but I was still feeling the effects from lack of sleep when Stewie text again.

'Just let her know you won't put up with whatever crap she's laid on you this time. Try to remember though that she's happy with you and she will feel the need to run away from that. Don't let her.'

Was this one of her games? Was she seeing if I would fight for this? Should I? I was more confused than ever. I didn't want to walk away from her, but she was getting to be too much hard work. Fuck it. Just calm down and go talk to her.

I saw her sat on her little wooden bench and she looked like someone who had fell asleep sat up. Her head was resting on her chest with hair tumbling down her face . What do I say? How about I start with the cup that's burning my hand off!

I held the cup out and hoped she would hurry in taking it from me. She looked up to see who was invading her space and I could see now why she wore make up. Her red eyes and the mascara smudges were evidence that she did in fact have a heart. "You've been out here an hour. Thought you would be ready for a refill."

She thanked me for the tea in the same small voice I heard from her last night and it was still creepy to hear a lack of firmness from her.

I brushed one tear away and watched as another one fell. She is covering. She is fighting to keep her distance. I felt a slight relief that my knowledge of her was correct, but it still didn't change the fact she was unhappy.

"Tell me again it's what you really want." I looked in her eyes and held my breath.

*Not long now folks before Sarah and Mark find a direction. I wrote this story just for me, but after I was encouraged to post it I considered shortening it for other peoples benefit, but I was again encouraged to keep it as I had written it. But thank you all for the reviews and your patience.