/AN/ okay the first time I posted this it came out in script and I don't know what I did so I hope it's fixed now!
It was like a clip show, the hours after Lilac killed Kylo. Hux called for the Resistance to help, and they answered. Kylo was taken away by medics, while Lilac was escorted by soldiers with hands firmly on their weapons. She was examined, both body and mind, then sat at a table in the Resistance ship mess hall.
Lilac could barely move on her own. She didn't speak, and she didn't listen to anyone. Even Hux, who shook her and yelled at her, was met with a cold shoulder. A meal prepared for her sat uneaten.
There were no excuses thrown around about why the one Kylo searched for had ended up trying to kill him. The fact that she'd done it with his own lightsaber AFTER he'd technically saved her, spread like wildfire through Resistance ranks. Anyone who looked at her did so with disgust.
Lilac was disgusted with herself, also. She wanted to say that there was something wrong with her. She wanted there to be proof of everything she had been through, and everything Jona had convinced her of. All there was, was her. Lilac was the villain, and Kylo the victim. Somehow, she didn't regret what she'd done. Somehow, she still knew in her heart that even though he loved her, he had abandoned her. They both had.
Hux sat across from Lilac, sliding her food tray over to himself and taking her apple. "He's alive, you know."
It was the first thing Lilac truly heard since she thought she'd killed Kylo. She perked up, leaning over the table to hear better. "B-but I- Where I stabbed him should have been fatal."
Hux glared at the apple in his hands. "You didn't have to do it."
Lilac clamped her mouth shut. She did have to do it. She had to kill Kylo. She had to at least try.
Lilac shook her head, "I did."
"You think you did." Hux rolled the apple in his hands. "Jona made you think that. This wasn't your fault, but you're still guilty. You're still an enemy of the Resistance for that one stupid thing you did."
"But he's alive?"
"Want to finish the job?" Hux looked up at her, his eyes full of anger and accusations.
Lilac wasn't sure. She'd been certain that she killed him, and that had been enough. Why wasn't it enough anymore? "I need...time...to think."
Hux slammed the apple on the table, exploding the fruit in their faces. "Why the fuck didn't you think before you stabbed him? That was the time to think!"
Lilac blinked, wiping juice from her face. She stared with hard eyes at Hux, "I did my thinking. Months of it. Alone. Before and after Jona found me. When I was certain you had me thrown off the Finalizer, drugged and half dressed. I was angry, and scared. I'm sorry, Hux, but I don't have answers. But if you keep talking to me like this I promise you you're just going to piss me off. I know what I did. Just give me some time, alright?"
Hux huffed and puffed. "Kylo almost died. What would you have done then?"
"Well, I wouldn't want to live," Lilac answered honestly, shocking Hux. She nodded, knowing in her heart that it was true. "I've done a lot in this life. Killing slave traders? I made assholes like Gam rethink their business ventures. That's all I set out to do. I lived for Kylo. So, why not die with him?"
Hux's world, and his heart, shattered. He tried to remain composed, but his anger slipped away. "All for him?"
Lilac shrugged.
"It hasn't just been Kylo searching for you this entire time. I've been here. I love you." His tone was begging, pleading for her to understand his strife and his desperation.
Lilac, again, shrugged. She felt an ache in her chest. "Just give me some time," she begged softly, "to think about all of this. I don't know what's happened to me."
Hux stood up, "Take all the time you need."
"Hux-" Lilac started to say. Hux held a hand up to stop her.
"His first words, when he could speak again, were to make certain you weren't left alone. That you were kept safe." Hux shook his head, turning away.
Lilac watched him go, her breathing coming in soft gasps. She wanted to cry, but she didn't feel like she deserved to. How could she be in pain? Kylo was the one in pain. Hux, obviously, was in pain. She'd done that to them. She was a monster.
Lilac pressed her forehead to the cool table, covering her head with her arms. Whatever the Resistance did to her, she deserved it.