Chapter 35: Vodka

As you all may remember, Christian and I had been having some difficulties in our relationship caused by Todd.. However for the last month or two he had been so good to me. I don't quite understand why he's treating me so much better now than he had before. When I say he's treating me better, I don't mean it emotionally or physically. I mean he treated me like a king now. Bringing me my food, getting up to get me a drink when I were thirsty. He was even doing my laundry occasionally! But I wasn't going to put too much thought into it. Soon enough I would find out why...

As for Todd Jacobs, he backed off for whatever reason. He hadn't been talking to Christian or even looking at us in the hallways. He would always stare at the ground. It seemed that he was tormented by something unseen. He looked sick. Frail. He has lost a lot of weight and his breath always wreaked of what many confirmed to be alcohol. Was it possible that I sort of felt bad for him? No. No, I definitely don't care. He makes the beds that he eventually has to lay in. Especially knowing what I know now.. we'll get to that in a second.

Zack and Max were quickly becoming parenting experts. Damien was nearly three months old and the crying was still as bad as the first night he had been home from the hospital. That baby refused to sleep at night. He always wanted to play with his uncle Cody. Who wouldn't? I'm pretty awesome for a book worm. It was really funny actually, Zack changing diapers. He was a better dad than he thought he would be. I remember how scared he was in the final days before the birth, but now he was changing diapers and warming bottles as if it were second nature to him. I knew he was proud of himself. We all were.

I thought the storm was over for the most part. But as you probably know by now, i'm a naive boy.

Still, part of me wondered, daily, why Todd had backed off. I didn't understand it. One day he had been in hot pursuit of Christian, then as soon as we had... had sex.. he backed off? Did he know that Christian had taken my virginity? Did he know that he was out of luck? That he had no chance of having Christian now? I didn't really care, at least he had backed away. That's all that mattered right? But why...

I guess I should have let my curiosity go, as I have led you to believe I was going to. The truth is, I found out why Todd left Christian alone. I had discovered the darkest secret that I never wanted to discover.

One night while I was sleeping at Christian's house, I had awoken to find him gone from the bed. I remember that I had been scared, but I quickly regained my nerves and climbed out of the bed, sleepily making my way into the hallway. There is a cute window in the second story hallway that looks over the yard beneath. It was dark and hard to see, but I could make out that Christian was talking to someone... a boy? I went down the stairs quietly so that I wouldn't disturb Christian's sleeping family. I quietly opened the door and peeked out.

I wasn't ready for what I saw on the porch. Christian and Todd were sitting side by side, their arms touching. Christian's arm was on Todd's leg. They hadn't noticed that I had peeked out of a crack in the open door. I pushed the weight on my heart to the back of my mind and listened to what they were saying.

"Todd, you have to stop drinking and try to move on from this. I care for you and I don't like this destructive path you're taking. Cody is upstairs right now! What would he think if he saw me out here talking to you? You're drunk and you're sick. You have to get some type of help, Todd. Before it is too late!" Christian said, almost in a whisper. I could tell he felt badly for Todd. It kinda hurt me to see him have emotion for this boy whom I had come to loathe.

"I- I tried to ... move on. I-" Todd lifted his arm and I noticed the vodka bottle in his hand. He took a swig of it and wiped tears from his face. I saw Christian swiftly take the bottle from him and sit it beside him, out of reach. Todd continued rambling.

"How do I pretend I'm okay? How do I look at you... with him and be okay? You were my first. You played that song for me-"

My ears shut off immediately from anything Todd was continuing to say. Christian was his first? His first what? I told myself not to be naive. Not now. I knew exactly what it meant. But what really hurt me was the song.. he had played a song for me too. I had thought it was special but now I wondered if it meant anything at all. That was so long ago. I was stupid.

I ignored the pain in my heart and stomach and continued to listen. Christian had gone on to say that he loved me now and that there were no romantic feelings left for Todd. I couldn't take any more of what was happening so I had quietly shut the door and crept up the stairs, back to bed. I hadn't had to try to be quiet this time.. I was so hurt and emotionally drained that I could barely move enough to be loud anyways.

I slid into the blankets and laid there. A silent tear streaked down my face. Then another. He had lied to me and I had believed everything. He had been with Todd Jacobs. Now, Todd's vengeful behavior from months ago all made sense to me. I was angry. But this time I was angry at Christian too. Hurt and angry. I couldn't decide which emotion was stronger at that moment.

After what seemed like alot of hours, but was actually twenty minutes, I heard Christian creep back into the room. He climbed slowly into the bed. I assumed he climbed in slowly so that I wouldn't wake up. I felt his arm curl around my waste and I felt sick. I closed my eyes tightly and felt a few more tears release as his head leaned against my back.

My big spoon. My heart and soul. My first boyfriend. My weakness. My downfall. My sadness. My hurt. My first heartache.

In that moment I felt detached from him. I knew that he wanted to be with me. But I also knew now that our relationship had been built on lies. Lies that I had uncovered. Not completely, but enough to know things couldn't be the same anymore, enough to be confused and upset.

After Christian had fallen asleep I quietly and slowly got out of bed and crept out the door, down the stairs, and onto the front porch. He had forgotten to dispose of the vodka bottle and it was still on the stairs. I sit down beside it and looked up to the stars. There were none in the sky that night. It was black. A black sky to complete the black shadow on my heart.

I looked over at the half empty vodka bottle and picked it up. If this could make Todd temporarily forget how bad he felt, maybe it could do the same for me. I took a huge gulp and spit it out instantly and coughed several times. It burned. It tasted horrible. How could anyone drink this? Well, actually I know exactly how. I tried another swig, this time smaller and swallowed it hard. I felt a little swirl in my head, probably just my emotions running from the alcohol. I shook my head and the silly face I was probably making based on the putrid taste.

I took another small drink of the vile liquid. Then another. And another.

The last thing I remember was laying in the yard. Looking up at the black sky, wondering where the stars were. I remember the pain in my heart trying to punch through the fake paradise the alcohol had created for me. I felt tears running down my face, but they meant nothing. I didn't even realize they were tears honestly. My head was spinning and my heart was withering, but I could not feel it happening in that moment.

I looked over at Christian's window and saw him looking back at me. His hand over his mouth. I wasn't sure if he were crying or not. I stumbled to my feet and waved to him. I picked up the bottle held it up to him, as if to toast, and staggered as I gulped down more than I thought I could. I smiled at him and fell to the ground, still looking up at his window. I could tell now, he was crying.

I blew him a kiss and continued smiling. I wasn't angry at this moment, I felt peace and clarity. The fake emotions that this magical, vile, wonderful liquid had created were soothing pains in me that I could barely notice at this moment. He disappeared from the window and I took another swig of the vodka. It was then that I realized that the bottle was empty. It was all gone.

Christian appeared to me again, running across the yard to me. He knelt down and took the bottle, realizing it was empty.

"Cody, what have you done?" he asked, crying softly, trying to hide the emotion in him.

"Christian." I struggled to speak. I knew I was slurring my words. I didn't care. "Christian, the trees are no stars in the sky because now i'm feel better but why him and not me and did I do something wrong? I feel sick but winter is safe I guess and I want more of this magic but where is the stars and why is it all black? Am I cold and where is my heart? Is it gone? I can't the ground but can't feel it now. I am tired.."

My words made little to no sense. But, in my head, I understood everything that I had spoken. In my head it had been, "Christian, the trees are bare and the stars are missing. Why have you deceived me for this boy? Was I not good enough? My heart is breaking, but Winter will always be a safe memory of us. I want more vodka. Where are the stars? It's so dark! I feel warm but I am shivering. I don't feel anything else though. I can't feel my love for you right now. I'm emotionally and physically exhausted. I'm scared."

I guess I had gotten too drunk to say it how I heard it inside. I could tell Christian failed to understand much of my slurring. I felt sick. Sicker... Sicker. I threw up on his lap. He rubbed my back.

"It's okay, baby. It's gonna be okay. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorr-"

And blackness. Unconsciousness. Peace.

A/N: Wow, it's been years. With the risk of this story being completely forgotten I have decided to FINALLY revive it. I hope this chapter isn't too unstable to be enjoyed. I'm not a grammar hero, as you all know if you've been reading this story. But I do enjoy creating this reality. Thank you for being devoted and faithful, even when I wasn't. Thank you for reading, and please review the chapter. Thank You all!