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Sadly, there will be less than 5 chapters left to this story…
And, don't forget about 'Willing To Risk It All'
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I'm back in New York, in the comfort of my own house and bed, feeling, well, I don't really know. I'm still sad but not overly depressed. I try to be happier but I can only find myself smiling every so often as even then I know it's fake. I still find a thrill in college, but it's not as much as before as it just wasn't a dream of mine, but a dream for Viviana and Jacob as well. And now, they're both gone. Kelly and I are the only ones left, but she's three thousand miles away and has her own life, like me. Things are different, we'll probably start drifting apart even more and I guess I never realized how lonely it can be. I have three weeks before I start my sophomore year of college and I'm going to try my hardest to pull myself together and be me, again.
OoOoOoOo
Over the next few days, I stay in my room; staring at my ceiling, out my window, at my phone and at the picture I have from Viviana. Everything just seems dull now. I know the sun is shining outside but it doesn't give me that sense of warmth or brightness it usually does. I can't really sleep anymore, the ache weighing down on me as I toss and turn for hours on end, probably only getting a good hour or two of sleep a night.
I know my parents are worried about me, I can see it in their eyes as when I do come out for my room, they just stare at me, watching my every move carefully. But they've also been understanding, giving me the space I desperately need. My parents whisper comforting beliefs such as, 'you're never alone, sweetheart',' keep your head up, today will be a better day' and, 'we will always love you, always and forever' through my door. My mother leave my meals on my desk and every night, before my parents go to bed, they say a prayer for all of us.
OoOoOoOo
Now, with only two weeks left, I'm not feeling any better. I feel helpless and dead inside. I feel empty and don't see purpose anymore. It's like an out of body experience and I don't know how to hold on as I never felt anything like this before. I feel trapped, confused and I know, sooner or later, something's going to happen and I'm going to blow.
OoOoOoOo
The countdown has officially begun as I only have one week left, to fix everything. I can tell my mother's frustrated with my currant attitude, my dad's confused by my behavior and, I can't blame them. I know I've been a brat, or something a little stronger than that to them, ever since we have returned home, but I can't stop it for some reason. I've finally come out of my room for dinner, per both my parents request and as silence fills the dinner table, I stare at my plate, moving the food around in circles while my parents are slowly eating theirs.
After a few more minutes of silence, a small bite or two from me and unpleasant tension, I hear my mother exhale a sigh and set her fork down on her plate as she groans, "For heaven sakes, Kim. Eat more than two bites will you?"
"I am. Back off," I retort in a low voice.
"Don't you dare fight me on this, Kimberly. I've been watching you tonight and collected your plate every night for the past two weeks with it still ninety percent full. I've noticed your weight has dropped and your face is paler. You're not taking care of yourself and it isn't healthy," my mother argues.
"You have no right to talk about things you don't know anything about. You can't tell me what to do so, just stop talking. You're pissing me off," I growl, pushing back my chair and running up to my room.
"Kimberly Beulah Crawford," I hear my mother shouting right behind me. "As long as you live under this roof, you will never talk to me with that much disrespect ever again. Do I make myself clear?"
I turn around in the middle of my room and glare at my mother who is standing in my doorway with her arms crossed over her chest and a scowl on her face. We're in a stare down for a few minutes until my mother repeats her last sentence, emphasizing each word. "Do. I. make. Myself. Clear?"
"Whatever", I grumble, turning back around and walking to bed to lay down.
"I don't know what happened to my daughter. But when you fine her, let me know," I mother starts off, gathering her composure. "I know you're going through pain and heartache right now. I know that you don't know what to do, trust me on that. We've all been through loss and in your case, you got them closer than most. I know you've been through a lot these past few years with Jacob, school, college and now Viviana. I know that with every bump in the road, it causes a new wave of worry and confusion. I know you don't feel like yourself right now. That you're holding everything in, trying to cope on your own, but that's never the answer. Don't push us away when you need us the most."
"You don't know what you're talking about. Get out!" I yell at my mother.
She gives me one last stern stare before swiftly turning on her heels, leaving my doorway and closing the door behind her.
After staring at my door for a few seconds, guilt immediately takes over as I couldn't believe the monster that came out. I rub my temples, trying to relax and soon enough, I feel myself starting to fall asleep. It's a dreamless sleep, like it's been most nights but then, something bizarre happens. I'm suddenly being drawn in by a bright light. I see myself getting closer and closer until I finally reach out and touch. The glowing light feels like a new like a new beginning. I feel happy, I feel myself smiling and feel as light as air as I'm floating around without a care in the world.
I close my eyes, enjoying this new sensation when I unexpectedly feel my feet land on hard ground. Opening my eyes, I notice I'm in a fields of wildflowers, surrounded by the fresh outdoors smell that relaxes me even more and then my eyes catch a faint outline of an older couple way ahead of me. They're just leisurely walking, hand in hand and instantly my body is racing after them, in an almost desperate need. It feels like I'm running forever, but I finally catch up and my heart stops. I stare wide eye at the couple in front of me as even in my dreams I'm crying uncontrollably. "Grandma! Grandpa!" I croak out.
"Oh Kimmy," my grandmother smiles, reaching out and giving me a hug, a loving hug that I've missed over the years.
"Bumblebee," my grandfather chuckles, wiping the tears off my checks and then embracing me in hug as warmth fills my body.
"I've missed you both, so much," I wail.
"We know honey. We miss you too," grandfather replies. "But, you must listen carefully."
"We haven't much time left," my grandmother continues on. "We know you're going through so much pain, loss and sorrow. But, you need to realize and listen to what's around you. Only then will you understand."
"What?" I ask as I see their figures starting to vanish. "Grandma! Grandpa!" and then, I'm alone. In the middle of nowhere.
I start walking around in circles, the field quickly changing into a park and once again, I'm dropped into a beautiful scenery that makes me feel at home. I walk down the pathway, watching random strangers enjoying their lives when I spot Jacob sitting a bench and staring out to the pond. My pace increases and within in seconds, I'm sitting right next to him. "Jacob," I whisper, not trusting my voice as I look next to me.
"Hey Kim," he grins. "I'm so glad you could make it."
"Me too," I nod. "I miss you."
"I miss you too but, don't worry about us. We'll be just fine, remember that," he finishes, patting my leg and then gives me a quick hug before getting up and disappearing into the crowd.
I watched him leave and I wanted to run after him but I couldn't move. My body as stiff as a statue. I close my eyes, falling back onto the bench as I put my head in my hands, trying not to cry and trying to make sense of this all. When I do finally open my eyes, I'm sitting at the beach, watching the sunrise.
Being so wrapped in my thoughts, I don't even look around. But, the gentle touch on my shoulder brings me back to what's happening as look to my right to see Viviana, looking at me and giving me a teasing smile. "Why so glum, chum?" nudging my side.
"You know why," I snap. "You're gone and I'm a mess."
"Yes, I know that," she nods innocently. "I also know that you're letting this consume you. Don't! Because the more you let this affect you, the stronger the message will be."
"What message?" I demand.
"You'll see the sign when the time is right," she answers calmly.
"What? Viv! That doesn't make any sense!" I scream.
"It does. Just, take a deep breath and you'll see it more clearly," she instructs.
I glare at her for a second before closing my eyes and taking a few deep breaths, hoping this true and will help make sense of all that's happened. When I reopen my eyes Viviana is gone and I'm at the edge the water right next to a 'warning' and 'danger' sign. "What the…" I mutter under my breath as things just keep getting worse and worse.
I take a look around and see nothing but sand and a few trees. I'm all alone with no way to wake up from this horrible dream and as I'm thinking of ways to escape so I can figure out all that I've learned. I'm starting to walk into the water, not by choice. Further and further, deeper and deeper until I'm splashing around, trying to stay above the water. I'm losing energy fast, I'm feeling weaker with each passing second and then, when it can't get much worse it does. A huge wave comes and knocks me out, sending me sinking further down into the water and as I feel myself suffocating for air. I just can't do it anymore, I can't fight and I let the darkness takes over.
Almost instantly, I wake up and shoot straight up in my bed, sweating and panting, feeling my heart beating out of my chest as I couldn't believe what the heck just happened and how it felt so freakishly real. Once my breathing returns to normal and I wipe the sweat from my forehead, I take a glance at my clock the reads' 7:24' I see the sun lightly shining through the blinds as I shake my head and stretch out before sliding out of bed and making my way downstairs, needing to apologize for my actions from last night and the past few weeks.
I see my mom sitting at the dining room table, the scene all too familiar as I quietly walk over and pull out a seat. The sudden action startles my mother as she jumps in her seat and states at me, a mixture of relief and sadness in her eyes. "Hey mom," I mumble.
"Hi honey," she replies with a nod and then goes back to stare out the door.
Silence fills the air once again as I take a deep breath and apologize. "Mom, I'm so sorry for what I said to you last night and for yelling. I don't know what came over me and you didn't deserve any of it."
She turns back around, grabs my hand, giving it a loving squeeze and then responds, "You have nothing to be sorry for, Kim. I know you're going through your own way of coping and I shouldn't have yelled either."
"No, you didn't really yell. You were just giving me tough love. Which, is something I needed. I can't be angry with the world when I knew it was a possibility. And, I can't be having my own pity party when I made them a promise to make them proud. I also had the strangest dream last night that made no sense but I know was a sign," I tell her with a small smile.
"I'm glad you see it that way. Thank you sweetheart," my mother smiles back at me. "And, a strange dream, really?"
"Oh yeah, it was definitely weird," I repeat. "I saw grandma, grandpa, Jacob and Viviana. They were all telling me and reminding me of important things I needed to remember. And, I shouldn't have said you didn't understand what I'm going through. I know you do and that losing grandma and grandpa was the hardest thing you ever had to bear," now squeezing her hand.
"To be honest, that was the second hardest thing I've had to overcome. The first was realizing that I may lose you. Now, don't get me wrong because I love and miss my parents, every second of every day. But, I had time with them. Thirty-five glorious years where they taught me everything I know. How to be a polite and respectable daughter. How to become a brilliant scholar and most importantly, how to be the best mother I possibly could. But with you, we were only reaching our fourth year. I couldn't let you go just yet. I still had so much to teach you, so much to show you. And, with every year that passed by, I counted my lucky stars and thanked god for giving me more time with you," my mother cries.
"I thanked god too. And, if I learned anything from all that's happened, it's that we're brought into this world and are surrounded by people who love us, teach us, challenge us and change us. I'm going to try to be better. For you, dad, Anastasia, Jacob and Viv," I promise.
"Oh sweetie, you're too wise for your own good," my mother sighs. "You don't need to try because you're already doing it. You, showing your emotions, feeling the void and trying to make sense of it all is what you promised. The things you learn and understand today is what is going to help you in the future. It makes you stronger and human. Just, continue to be you."
"I will, there's no one else I can be," I retort with a smile.
My mother just shakes her head and chuckles, my sarcasm still evident as she tells him, "Remember when grandma and grandpa died? You were about nine and walked into our bedroom because you heard me crying. Do you remember what you did?"
"Of course I remember that. But, I don't really recall what I did," I respond with a raised eyebrow.
"You took my hand, laid me back in bed and tucked me in. You kissed my cheek and whispered, 'Don't worry mommy. Grandma and grandpa are angels now. Isn't that what you wanted?' I was so overcome with emotions I couldn't talk, but I nodded back in return. You smiled down at me, ran over to your dad's side of the bed, hopped on top and laid the right next me. You got comfortable and added, 'You can cry on my shoulder all you want. I'm here for you.' After that moment, I knew I was going to be okay and that you were going to be just fine with whatever you had to overcome. And, that's why I always tell you that you're not alone, because you never are. That one phrase made all the difference after I came to terms with what happened. Knowing that love is the most powerful of things. Now, try to enjoy the little bit of break you still have left, okay?" my mother shares.
"Thanks mom, for everything. And, I will," I nod truthfully.
We continue to sit there in silence, a peaceful silence if you will as my mother will always be my hero.
OoOoOoOo
Over the next few days, I start getting back on a schedule and need to do one last thing before school starts. I grab my computer off my desk and click the name that's been blinking on my screen for weeks now. It rings a couple of times, my anxiety building by the second and it gets even worse when they answer. "Kim! Thank god you're okay. You had me so worried. Why didn't you call me back?" The person demands.
"Hey Kelly, sorry about that. I was, um, dealing with some stuff and finally realized I couldn't do it anymore," I explain embarrassedly.
"I understand Kim, truly I do. But a text letting me know you got my messages would have sufficed. And, can't do what anymore? What are you talking about, Kim?" Kelly pushes urgently.
"I know, I know. I'm sorry for ignoring you for weeks. And, there's no need to freak out Kel. I am just talking about being alone. I couldn't be on my own and cope with what's happened, locked in my room, shutting everyone out. I needed my parents. And, I needed my friend. I just thought that after a few days, I'd be okay. That I came to terms with everything. But as it turns out, I was worst off and way more emotional than I thought," I admitted.
"It's fine Kim, really. I knew you were trying to process everything, like me. But after a while, you scared the hell out of me when you never called or texted. I honestly thought something horrible happened to you and I couldn't take anymore. I was going crazy and that's why I ended up calling you like every day," she sighs as I see her shaking her head. "But, I understand. It takes time to heal, though it will never fully go away. And, I'm glad you realize that because whether you like it or not, we need each other, now more than ever."
"You're right, Kel. It's just you and me against this crazy world. I promise to always be here for you," I promise her.
"Hell yeah it is and I know you will be," Kelly agrees. "And eh, I saw it coming."
"What?" I shout. "How could you possibly see this coming?"
"Because it's you, Kim. I've known you for over ten years and you were bound to break down eventually. I always was you putting on a strong front, but you're only human. You're allowed to be emotional. And, with all that's happened, I don't blame you. I haven't cried this much my entire life," Kelly mentions with the shrug of her shoulders.
"Thank you Kelly, for everything," I smile. "And, this is why we're best friends. You get me."
"And, you get me. But we're also best friends because it's you and me. Life sucks but we're better together. Which, brings me to this. Have you talked to Jack at all since you been home?" Kelly wonders.
"Nope," I murmur. "We haven't spoken since the bonfire."
"Kim, really?" Kelly shouts. "He still loves you. You still love him. What's the hold up?" Kelly questions.
"I don't know alright. To be honest, with everything that's happened, I haven't even thought about 'us'. And, it feels weird to even be thinking about it," I confess.
"Okay, I see your point. But Kim, you two need each other and are totally meant to be together. Especially now and I think Viv would want you guys to be happy. Just, think about it, please," Kelly begs.
"Kelly," I whine, glaring at her as she gives me her sad, puppy dog eyes. "Ugh, fine. I'll think about it. And, maybe once school starts, I'll text him."
"Great!" Kelly affirms.
And so, for the next hour or so, we continue to talk, catch up and reminisce on all the good memories we have of our friends and see the even bigger impact they had on our lives.
OoOoOoOo
The next two days go by in a blink of an eye as I'm suddenly back on the NYC campus. I'm in better spirits as I go through the day with a small smile, my classes a good distraction. It's about two weeks in when I start to feel a pounding ache in my head. The pain is slightly unbearable and very annoying but I go on with my day, figuring it's just the new added stress in my life. But, over the next few days, the pain doesn't let up and my side is starting to hurt as well. I panic for a second before ignoring it, coming up with another excuse as I go about my day.
By week three, I feel a little better but not by much as when I'm walking through the campus to my next class, I get a shooting pain in my side. I try to ignore it and it leaves my mind for a second as I see a friend of mine, waving at me happily as I'm approaching her. The minute I'm getting closer, my vision starts to blur. I notice my footsteps becoming sloppy and weak and just when I'm about to reach her, my vision completely goes and darkness consumes me. I feel pain but then nothing else. I hear muffled voices and once I feel the hard ground, Viviana's message rings loud and clear. This is the warning and danger I'm in.
"When the pain cuts you deep
When the night keeps you from sleeping
Just look and you will see
That I will be your remedy
When the world seems so cruel
And your heart makes you feel like a fool
I promise you will see
That I will be, I will be your remedy"
And, there you go folks. Please R&R and let me know what you think!
Also, please check out my previous chapters as I have added songs at the end. I do not own "Better in Time" by Leona Lewis. "See you Again" by Charlie Puth and Wiz Khalifa. "Let It Go" by James Bay and "Remedy" by Adele.
Please, let's try for 395-400 before the next chapter!
Thanks and until next time,
Missy xx