T-minus seven days...
"Someone had better be dead."
"What?" I asked sleepily.
I lifted my head off my pillow to find Ranger was sitting up in bed with my cell phone to his ear. I hadn't heard my phone ring, so he'd apparently taken the initiative and answered it.
"If you show up at our door tonight, I'll shoot you. If you two can't work out your problems like adults, then you shouldn't be getting married."
I realized that he was talking to Lula, and I sucked in some air. He was poking the bear.
Ranger blew out a frustrated sigh and glanced over at me. When he realized I was awake, he handed the phone to me.
"What's going on?" I asked.
"Your fiancé is an asshole," Lula huffed.
"What else is going on?"
"Tank doesn't want to write his own vows. He just wants to go with whatever the preacher says."
"Shouldn't you have decided this before now? There's only seven days left until the wedding. Why do you want to write your own vows?"
"Because it's romantic and shit."
That was probably a glimpse into what Lula's wedding vows would look like.
"Is Tank romantic and shit?"
"He can be. It's real romantic when he goes down on me first."
I shuddered and suppressed a gag at the thought.
"So why did you call me in the middle of the night?"
"I wanted to come stay at your house again."
"No way," I said firmly. "I won't stop Ranger from shooting you if you show up. Tell Tank to sleep on the couch if you're mad at him. He sleeps there every night anyway."
I grimaced as I realized I had just let the cat out of the bag. Shit, you can't tell me anything. I caught a glimpse of Ranger in my peripheral vision giving me an exasperated look. Well, the Ranger version of exasperated.
"What do you mean he sleeps there every night?" Lula asked, catching on to what I said.
"I don't know what I just said. I'm half asleep," I lied, hoping she'd buy it. Otherwise, I was afraid Tank might decide to try to kill me, which would mean Ranger would have to kill Tank, and I'd be left to deal with Lula.
"You're weird when you're half asleep," Lula said. "But I'll take your advice and tell him to park his ass on the couch tonight. But how am I going to convince him to write his own vows?"
"I don't know, Lula. If he doesn't want to do it, why force the issue? I can't really see him being the type to write his feelings down on paper and say them to you in front of a room full of people. That's a little flowery, even for a guy who names his cats Suzy, Applepuff and Miss Kitty."
"You've got a point," she said and we disconnected.
"Sorry," I told Ranger as we laid back down. "I don't know why she won't call Connie or show up at her house."
"It's because she knows Connie wouldn't hesitate to shoot her," Ranger replied as he pulled me into him.
T-minus four days…
"WHAT!?" I yelled into my phone. It was 3:13 AM and we'd been awakened by another phone call from Lula.
"What's the matter with you?" Lula asked.
"It's the middle of the night. Again. What is so important that it can't wait until at least seven?"
"Tank's brother Paul can't be his best man. He had to have emergency surgery to get his gallbladder taken out, so Tank wants to ask Ranger to be his best man."
"Why didn't you leave this task to Tank? He'll be seeing Ranger at work in a few hours."
"Because I need to know if I have to order Ranger a tux."
"Ranger owns a tuxedo. He won't need to rent one."
"I hadn't thought of that. Nevermind then, I'll see you at work."
"What now?" Ranger asked.
"Tank wants you to be his best man. His brother had emergency surgery and can't do it now."
"He won't want me. I'll be telling him to cut and run from the lunatic."
"You probably shouldn't give advice like that, since he would probably just give it right back to you."
T-minus three days…
The clock said 1:44 AM and the display on my iPhone once again read "Lula". Ranger leaned over me to look at the phone for a second before grabbing it and powering it off.
"What if there's a family emergency?" I asked. "They won't be able to get ahold of me if my phone's off."
"My office would call if 911 was dispatched to your parents' house."
"You just have an answer for everything, don't you?"
"It's this, or I start pulling a Tank and go sleep on the couch after we've had sex."
"Who said we'd be having sex if that's how you're going to be?"
We stared at each other for a good thirty seconds before I blew out a sigh of defeat and snuggled into Ranger.
"I hate Lula right now," I said.
"Me too," Ranger said, wrapping his arms around me. "It's almost over."
T-minus one day…the rehearsal
"This reeks of disaster," I told Ranger as we walked into the hall where Lula and Tank would be getting married. We were there for the rehearsal, which would be followed by dinner at a nice Italian restaurant. I'd been surprised to learn of the restaurant choice, expecting that Lula would just have Cluck-in-a-Bucket doing the catering, but apparently Tank's parents had paid for the rehearsal dinner and wanted something a little more special.
"Look on the bright side—you'll get to call Tank 'Pierre' for the next day without him killing you," Ranger said as we reached the room where the rehearsal would take place.
"If I can do it without laughing, it'll be a miracle."
There were several people in the room already, including Lula and Tank. Or Pierre, as I needed to remember.
"There's my maid of honor and the best man," Lula said, drawing all eyes over to Ranger and me. I heard Ranger expel a small sigh.
Tank was talking to a man and woman that I assumed must be his parents as we approached.
"Mom, Dad, this is my boss, Carlos Manoso and his fiancée, Stephanie Plum. These are my parents, Joseph and Louise Montgomery," Tank said, trying to act calmer than he most likely felt.
"Stephanie is my best friend in the entire world," Lula interjected. "That's why I wanted her to be my maid of honor."
Based on the expressions on their faces, I had the feeling that Lula wasn't exactly the daughter-in-law the Montgomerys would have chosen for their son. I wasn't entirely sure Lula was anyone's ideal anything, but she knew exactly who she was, and you had to admire that, right?,
Connie came in a few minutes after Ranger and me, accompanied by Lester. I'd been surprised to learn that they had really hit it off after Connie's drunken invitation to spend the night last month. It turned out that he wasn't just a sexy smartass, but he was incredibly intelligent. He had been married once before and had a four-year-old daughter that was the highlight of his life. They'd been inseparable since.
"Why did we agree to do this?" Connie asked. "Were we drunk when we said we'd be her bridesmaids?"
"I was on painkillers, so I know my judgment was impaired," I replied.
"What's your excuse?" she asked Ranger. "You were free of this travesty until a couple of days ago. How did Tank convince you to do this?"
"I'd tell you, but I'd have to kill you," Ranger said, pulling me along with him towards the front of the room where the bridal party were being summoned. I had been thankful that things hadn't been awkward between Ranger and Connie after I let it slip that they'd slept together. Connie hadn't brought it up to me, nor did she act like she was concerned about it.
We went through the routine of everyone's trip down the aisle without too much incident. Lula had no idea who her father was and her mother had died when she was a child. The only elder family member she had was an uncle named Earl, who was giving her away. He looked to be about Grandma Mazur's age and was a complete smartass. The pastor performing the ceremony was a friend of Tank's parents and seemed intimidated by Lula, almost cowering every time she spoke. The rehearsal only took thirty minutes, since the ceremony was going to be short. Lula had given up on getting Tank to write his own vows and was going to recite the vows the pastor had prepared. They were skipping the "frilly crap" as Lula called it with unity candles and music while they stared into each other's eyes. It was a simple walk down the aisles, a couple of "I do" responses and back down the aisle to the Cajun buffet that was being catered for the reception.
The rehearsal dinner went a little less smoothly than the actual rehearsal. Lula's uncle Earl got trashed and started trying to do a strip tease for Tank's ninety-year-old grandmother, who was slightly senile and seemed to enjoy it. Connie and Lester were having trouble keeping their hands to themselves after a couple of glasses of wine, and I suspected at one point he was diddling her under the tablecloth because her eyes started rolling back in her head and she let out a little moan. He had a cat-that-ate-the-canary grin on his face and I could see his forearm flexing through his shirt. The evening turned incredibly awkward when Lula began talking about her past profession as a 'ho. Louise Montgomery had nearly fainted and Joseph had bit his lip to keep from smiling.
"Carlos, my son tells me you were an Army Ranger," Joseph said while his wife tried to recover from the shock of learning that their future daughter-in-law had once been a streetwalker. "I was in the 2nd Ranger Battalion in the early Eighties."
"75th Regiment during Operation Iraqi Freedom," Ranger replied. Joseph looked impressed about this information.
"It's always good to meet a fellow Ranger. My son had go on and join the Navy," Joseph said as though it was uncertain as to whether the Navy actually existed.
"I was a SEAL," Tank interrupted. "That's just as good as you two being Rangers. Actually, it's better. No one goes around saying SEALs get dogs pregnant."
"What do you mean?" Lula asked. "How would Rangers get dogs pregnant?"
"Army Rangers are the whores of the Armed Forces. They're known for sleeping around so much that the joke is they get dogs pregnant," Tank replied, looking over at his father and boss.
Louise turned to stare at her husband at the same time that I turned to stare at Ranger. Joseph took a long swig of wine to avoid looking at his wife, and Ranger just grinned at me.
"You told me you'd been with forty-six women during your time in the Army," I whispered to Ranger. "Was that the truth, or another lie to keep me from freaking out?"
"It was the truth," he replied, putting an arm around me. "But if I hadn't gotten Rachel pregnant and been married to her for the better part of a year, that number would have been much higher."
"So Rangers really arethe whores of the Armed Forces?"
"Pretty much."
Connie and Lester were the first people to make their exit from the dinner, undoubtedly wanting to move on to more horizontal activities, and Ranger and I followed them out after bidding everyone a good night.
"I'm bringing a bottle of champagne for us to drink while we get ready tomorrow," Connie said once we made it out to the parking lot. "We're going to need to be a little hammered to get through this wedding."
"Tank has a flask of tequila ready for tomorrow," Ranger said. "I may need to get one of my own."
"It'll all be over in less than twenty-four hours," I reminded everyone. "We just have to survive the wedding."
"Easier said than done," Ranger replied as he opened my car door.
Connie, Lula and I arrived at the hall at two o'clock to start getting ready for the wedding. Lula had gone to her cousin's salon to have her hair, make-up and nails done, but Connie and I had passed on going with her and had done our own. Lula's nails were painted to match the color of our dresses and her hair was done in an elaborate up-do with orange rhinestones sewn into her weave. There was an elaborate tiara that would be put on at the last minute.
Getting Lula into her dress was another story. She'd had purchased her strapless gown from a "boutique" on Stark Street and the alterations had been done by a woman who had the shakes from years of being lost inside a bottle of gin. The hemline was so jagged that Connie and I spent half an hour on our knees pinning the hem to be even so that Lula wouldn't trip as she walked down the aisle. We spent another half hour trying to squeeze Lula into her dress without all of the buttons popping off. In the end, we managed to get her into the dress, but half of her boobs were spilling out of the top, along with a fat roll that went the entire way around the dress.
By three fifty-five, Connie and I were dressed in our orange bridesmaid dresses and had put away the entire bottle of champagne. There was a knock on the door and I walked over to answer it to find Earl waiting for us.
"Are we ready to get this party started?" he asked, swaying slightly and grabbing onto the door frame for support.
"You bet!" I said excitedly, grabbing Lula's bouquet of orange roses and throwing it to her. "Let's rock and roll!"
"You're shit-faced," Lula said, catching the flowers I threw at her. "You'd better not pass out during the wedding."
"I won't pass out," I said, picking up my own flowers. "I'm really not drunk. Just relaxed."
"Me too," Connie said, looking a little wobbly on her heels. "I'm not drunk, but if I mount Lester during the ceremony, just keep going. We'll try to be quiet."
We headed out of the dressing room and towards the hall, where we could hear music playing from speakers in the room.
"I decided to change the song that plays when while we walk down the aisle," Lula said as we reached the closed doors. "It's Beyoncé's Crazy in Love."
Connie and I looked at each other for a full thirty seconds before we both burst out laughing as the reality of what was happening penetrated our champagne-soaked brains.
"Would you two shut up and start walking," Lula said, pushing us forwards towards the doors, which had just been opened up and exposed the waiting wedding guests.
Connie and I pulled it together and walked down the aisle, emitting squeaks of laughter a couple of times as we made our way towards the front. Ranger was standing next to Tank and fighting a smile as he watched me walk down the aisle. I winked at him as I reached the elevated landing and took my place in time to see Lula and Earl walking into the room. I scanned the crowd while they made their way towards us, clearly able to identify who was there from Tank's family and who was a friend of Lula's. I avoided looking at Connie or Ranger because I knew if I did that I would burst out laughing again, and I was afraid of Lula's wrath if I ruined her wedding.
I managed to make it through most of the ceremony without laughing, but when one of Lula's buttons flew off her dress and smacked me in the forehead, I lost it. I was doubled over, clutching my sides as I struggled to breathe. Connie was also laughing hysterically and Ranger was smiling as we watched us act like idiots.
"Are you two done?" Lula asked impatiently as Connie and I worked to pull ourselves together. I spent the last five minutes of the ceremony biting on my bottom lip, and I heard Connie snort a couple of times in an effort to not completely crack up again.
"I'm going to assume that you two drank the champagne before the ceremony," Ranger said as we walked together down the aisle after Lula and Tank were pronounced husband and wife.
"So the song and the button weren't as funny as we thought?" I asked. "We were just shit-faced?"
"No, those things were hilarious. Your inhibitions were just relaxed enough that you couldn't pretend like the rest of us."
"Tank managed really well today," I commented, realizing that he hadn't been sweating or looking like he was ready to jump out of a window during the ceremony. In fact, he'd looked relaxed and happy.
"That's because he's stoned," Ranger said quietly. "He asked me this morning if he could smoke a joint before the wedding to help him get through it without panicking. I told him anyone marrying Lula deserved a medal, so not drug-testing him at work for the next month was the least I could do."
"Damn it, that's what Connie and I needed. Why didn't you call us?"
"Babe, I've seen you high. Remember when you and Lula burned down that pot farm and had people from three states coming to the Burg? You were actually much worse than you are right now."
By the time the reception got started, some of my champagne buzz had started to wear off. Lula was too busy socializing and enjoying the spotlight to be pissed off at Connie and me for falling apart during the ceremony. The buffet was opened and there was a mad dash by the crowd to start piling up their plates. Everyone was seated at large round tables, with eight people seated at each. Our table included Tank, Lula, Connie, Tank's cousin Michael, Joseph, Louise, Ranger and me. I was seated between Lula and Ranger, and was just thinking that the reception was going well until Lula nudged me.
"It's time for you two to give your speeches."
"I didn't know we were supposed to be giving speeches," I said, looking back at Ranger. "Did you?"
"No."
"It's tradition. Geez, you'd think you two have never been to a wedding before," Lula said, shaking her head at us.
"Where in tradition does Beyoncé come in as the processional?" I retorted.
"So you're telling me that you're not going to give a speech for your best friends?" Lula asked, looking hurt.
"I don't give public speeches," Ranger said. Tank did not look at all offended by Ranger's refusal. He nodded his understanding.
"Didn't you speak at your friend's funeral last year?" Lula asked. "That was a public speech."
"Unless you kill Tank this evening, I'm not doing it."
"I'll do it for the both of us," I said, emitting a defeated sigh. "Because Ranger is my best friend, and I'd do anything for him."
"Babe," Ranger said, kissing me above the ear.
I smiled at him and stood up, picking up my glass of water. No more champagne for this lush.
"Hey, everyone!" I shouted over the cacophony of noise. The room immediately fell silent, as though I'd just fired a bullet into the ceiling. I'd never had that effect on a group before.
I cleared my throat and took a sip of water before I started to speak. "I just wanted to thank you all for coming out to celebrate Ta —Pierre's and Lula's wedding day," I said, fighting laughter again at using Tank's real name. "As the maid of honor, I am informed that it is my duty to give a toast to the couple. Lula and I met under unusual circumstances at points in our lives that were not the best for either of us. We were just trying to get by and were taking one day at a time. Since then, we've been through a lot of really great times together, and a lot of not-so-great times," I said, remembering the day when I found Lula beaten to a pulp and tied to my fire escape. I felt tears start pricking my eyes.
"Shit," I whispered, trying to pull myself together. I did not want to become emotional in front of their friends and family. I felt Ranger run his hand along my leg and it helped me to focus again.
"But through it all, Lula has been a wonderful friend and terrific sidekick. We may be the Lucy and Ethel of bond enforcement, but we get the job done and make the men who love us laugh at the same time. Pierre is the strong, silent type, but he'll have your back if you need him. And if he can love a woman who is as full of life as Lula, I'm not sure there's anything he can't do. I wish Pierre and Lula all the luck and love in the world as they start their lives together."
The crowd applauded and I took my seat, reaching for Ranger's champagne. "I need a real drink."
"Lucy, you about made me cry," Lula said, sniffling as she pulled me into a tight hug.
I hugged her back. "Yeah, whatever Ethel. Next time you get married, tell me ahead of time to prepare a speech."
Lula and Tank moved on to do their first dance as a couple a few minutes later, and I focused my attention on Ranger.
"How are you doing?" I asked, rubbing his arm. "I know these social situations are not your idea of a good time."
"It's been better than I thought it would be," Ranger said. "Very entertaining."
"It makes me not want to have a wedding," I informed him. "Even though ours would be nothing like this."
"I agree. It's a lot of effort, and for what? A few hours? We've already got that party Celia's throwing on New Year's Eve," he said, taking a sip of his champagne. "That feels like planning a wedding."
I nodded, but didn't respond because an idea was forming in my brain, but I couldn't quite grasp onto what it was for a minute. Once I'd figured it out, I gasped and grabbed Ranger's arm. "That's it!"
"What?"
"Let's get married at the party!"
"Are you serious? Aren't you afraid our families will turn it into a circus if they know we're going to get married?"
"Then we won't tell them," I said excitedly. "We'll surprise everyone. We just have to find someone that can marry us. It'll be simple, but everyone we want to be there would be. I know they are hoping that we'll have either eloped by then, or will use that night to announce a date. It would be perfect!"
Ranger considered the idea for a moment. "I like it. It gets us out of a big, expensive wedding that neither of us really want, and we won't suffer years of guilt trips from our families for getting married without them. And I have a friend that's a judge in Newark who's already on the guest list. I'll talk to him about officiating."
"We have a plan for getting married," I said, feeling a little dazed by how sudden it had all come over me. "But we tell no one, unless they are integral to getting it pulled off."
Ranger and I managed to leave the reception at seven o'clock that night, a whole ninety minutes after Connie and Lester had disappeared for parts unknown. Bob bolted past us as we walked in the back door, tinkled in the yard, and ran back inside. He was all business.
We changed out of our wedding clothes into sweats before heading downstairs. I grabbed the iPad that Ranger had given me for a birthday present and unlocked it as we settled on the couch. The Skype icon told me I had a message, which turned out to be from Julie.
Are you home to chat?
Another message followed ten minutes later.
I guess not. I'll try again later.
"Oh crap!" I said, smacking myself on the forehead. "I just remembered something—Julie won't be at the party next month."
"Yeah, I know," Ranger said. "I thought about it on the drive home."
"Do you think Rachel would let her come up?"
"Rachel and Ron always take the kids on vacation during Christmas. They can't really get away in the summertime because that's Ron's busiest time at work, so they always leave Christmas Eve and spend Christmas and the New Year on vacation. I'm not sure where they are going this year."
"Why don't we find out if Julie can come up for a few days so that she can be there for the party?" I suggested. "We could even ask about her coming for Christmas, if Rachel and Ron would be open to that."
Ranger shook his head. "No."
"Why not?" I asked, flabbergasted that Ranger wouldn't even try. This was a man that had never really taken no for an answer for anything with the exception of sexual consent.
"Because I don't have the right to ask that of them," Ranger said.
"But she's your daughter, and things were great when she was up here during the summer."
"Biologically, yes she's my daughter. But legally, I gave up those rights. When I agreed to let Ron adopt Julie, it was with the understanding that I would still pay support because I cannot live in this world with my child in it and not support her financially. They agreed that they wanted me to be a part of her life, and that I would have contact as invited by Rachel. But neither of us legally has had to hold up our ends of the bargain, but their end has much more weight. They don't really need my money, but they could tell me one day to never contact Julie again, and I'd have to comply because the law is not on my side. I am at their mercy when it comes to seeing my daughter, so I am always careful to never ask anything or do anything that might upset them. After Scrog kidnapped Julie, I was terrified that they would cut off contact. I was floored when they said Julie wanted to increase it, and they agreed that she should. Julie has been the one to initiate the extra contact and the one who asked about the visit up here this summer. I would never do that."
"I can't believe you're giving up that easily!" I cried out. "You trust Rachel and Ron to raise your daughter, but you don't think you can ask them a simple favor on this one occasion without them removing their consent for you to see her?"
"I don't think they would cut me out of her life completely, but Rachel is not in a particularly good place right now because of her pregnancy. When I visited last month, she spent half an hour yelling at me because Julie had been a smartass about something earlier in the day. Then she spent twenty minutes crying while she apologized. I'm afraid she might make some irrational remarks or decisions if she got upset right now. I'm looking out for Julie more than myself."
I didn't quite believe that. I had no doubt he was trying to save Julie from getting her hopes up or getting her feelings hurt, but I had the feeling that he was protecting his own hopes and feelings as much as hers.
"Then we'll get married another time," I said, shrugging. "Julie would be devastated if she couldn't be there."
"No, I still want us to get married next month," Ranger said matter-of-factly. "We'll just have to make it up to Julie somehow."
"How in the world can we make it up to her that she didn't get to see us get married?" I asked incredulously. "It's not like missing out on a concert."
"I don't know," Ranger said, and his tone told me that I needed to end the conversation before it turned into a fight. I cuddled into his chest as we relaxed on the couch and watch the evening news, but the wheels were spinning in my brain. Ranger's determination may stop short in this situation, but not mine. I wasn't going to stop trying to get Julie to our wedding unless I had a no from Rachel.