"Ghosts. Twins. Terrorizing a farmhouse two towns over. That seems promising." Dean bored holes into the computer screen with the glare in his eyes. If he could will himself out of the room he would. Just a few feet away, Castiel stood. Dean could sense his despair and self-loathing and the hunter's heart churned. Even now, furious as he was, a part of him wanted to go to Castiel and comfort him. It was mind control pure and simple. Fucking angels. Slamming the laptop closed he got to his feet. "I'm going to go check it out."
"Dean!" Sam turned and stared at him with open irritation. "Will you just sit down and shut up for a minute?" Dean locked eyes with his brother and they spoke volumes through their gaze. Dean was faced with options. He could take the low road and storm out like a little girl having a temper tantrum, or...
Slow and deliberately, Dean sat down. Sam turned away from him and looked towards the older angel. "Castiel!" He said firmly and Cas jumped. "Sit down." Sam pointed at the other vacant chair at the table and after a moment, Castiel moved to take the seat. He looked no less miserable. Sam studied each of them in turn.
"Now all of your listen to me," Sam said and his brow furrowed, "we need to stop this. Stop all the fighting. We are a family and we need to act a little more decently towards each other."
"Decent?" Dean asked, "like not keeping secrets or lying to each other?" Castiel slumped in his chair. Sam's mouth twisted and he glared wide-eyed at Dean. Dean pretended not to notice. In the back of his mind, he knew how he sounded. He knew there were so many times in his past that he had done just those things he was condemning Cas for. He was just too stubborn to care at the moment.
"Castiel," Sam said but his eyes never left Deans. Dean didn't know how he felt about his brother suddenly growing a pair. "Why did you not tell Dean about the Soul-binding?"
"Because…I was…ashamed," Castiel said in a small guarded voice. Dean glanced at him for a moment but then returned his attention to Sam. "Because…I didn't want him to think less of me. I didn't…I didn't…" Castiel swallowed hard. "I didn't want him to stop loving me." Dean cringed. He did not want to talk about all of this in front of his brother. Sam, who seemed suddenly more like the older brother and not the younger, with his hard unwavering stare.
"Have you, Dean?" he asked and Dean blinked at the question. "Have you stopped loving him? Look at him, Dean. Tell him if you have so we can all move on because this petty fight needs to end now." Dean stared at Sam. Who was this guy and what has he done with Dean's brother? Then everything clicked together and Dean smiled a little, nervously.
"That's Gabriel talking in there, isn't it?" Sam lifted his hand and smacked it hard against the table causing Eros to jump. He snatched his bottle of syrup away, fearing it might topple like the plate.
"This is not Gabriel, Dean. This is your brother who is getting really sick of your shit."
"My…shit?" Dean wasn't sure whether to be confused or pissed.
"Actually, Dean I think we would know if it was Gabriel," Eros chimed in, "And considering my suspicions of the situation, I think we would only see Gabriel if he was really angry. But evidently it is Sam that is angry-"
"Shut up, Eros!" Both brothers screamed in unison and the angel curled in on himself in his chair. Dean stared at Sam; his jaw clenching and unclenching, and Sam stared at Dean; the fire of irritation sparking in his eyes. He could see Cas still slumped in his peripheral but he was not ready to acknowledge that yet.
"Now if you would be so kind as to explain what you mean by my shit," Dean said when he knew he could keep his voice from rising. He was pissed but he didn't really understand why he was supposed to be pissed. He felt like Sam was fucking with him.
"Because you won't tell people how you feel. You won't tell the people that care about you the most that they matter to you. As a result, those people are terrified of telling you anything because the first thing you want to do is run away. Am I right?" Dean opened his mouth and then closed it again. Cas knew how he felt. He didn't need to say it and make things all strange between them. Besides, he has said it before. That word. It's not a big deal. Sam's face softened a bit, and he leaned towards his brother.
"I can feel Gabriel in my mind. No matter what Eros says, he is real and I can feel when he is hurt or sad or angry. We have no choice to communicate with each other. So what about you, Dean? Can you feel Castiel too?" Dean thought about this and slowly; cautiously; warily, opened himself towards Castiel. The emotions that flooded into him were overwhelming. Loss, grief, despair, heartache, longing, desire, and yes, love. Unending, unwavering love. Dean closed his stinging eyes before they threatened to spill tears for all the emotions Castiel was feeling.
Dean… the angel wept in his mind. He reached for Dean in every incorporeal sense. His longing and need for the hunter to not reject him edged on the brink of physical pain. Tears swam in his eyes and his throat burned. Dean could sense all of this but made himself dig deeper.
Under all the hurt on the surface, Dean could feel a pure golden ring of adoration towards Dean. Respect, devotion, attraction, pride…so many of these things that Castiel felt for him that he didn't even realize were there. Deeper still and Dean felt the center of Castiel that he held close to his heart. The guilt, the self-loathing. The insecurity and humiliation. The realization that everyone he has ever known has betrayed him in some way. Except for Dean. It wasn't the programming that led Castiel to fall in love with his. He could see it in the way Castiel thought of himself. He loved Dean because Dean didn't persecute him. He loved Dean because even though he felt he deserved the beating Gabriel inflicted upon him, he was grateful that Dean cared enough to try to stop it. He wasn't hot-wired or programmed to feel this way. He felt this way out of his own free will. And really, should Dean have ever questioned that? After all, Castiel has been siding on the side of free will almost since the moment they met. This was what free will meant to him. The ability to love Dean out of choice and not design.
Dean opened his eyes and looked at the angel. Castiel. His angel. And his heart melted. Cas was slumped so far down in his chair his head almost touched the table. Misery engulfed him like the haze of heat on baked asphalt. Trying to ignore his spectators, Dean slipped out of chair and moved over to stand beside Castiel. He glanced at Sam, who was watching him calmly, and hesitated. Lifting his hand, he placed it gingerly on Castiel's shoulder.
"Cas?" he offered but Cas only seemed to sink in on himself. Dean glanced over at Sam who raised his eyebrows in question, and let out a long sigh. No avoiding it.
"Cas…I haven't stopped loving you. I'll…" Dean cleared his throat. "I'll never stop loving you, Castiel." Eros made a cooing sound in the back of his throat and if he wasn't just a child, Dean would throw him through the window. Sam at least was blessedly silent.
Slowly Castiel lifted his head. He hesitated a moment, and then he turned and raised his face to look at Dean. Instantly, Dean hated himself for getting angry at his angel. Castiel looked torn down and bare. His face was twisted into such despair, and his eyes; those crystal pools of clear blue sky, swam glassy with unshed tears.
Cas. Dean sent and pulled the angel to his feet. Suddenly spectators didn't much matter to him. Nothing mattered. Not angel codes and Soul-binding, not witches or ghosts; all that he saw was the hurt in Castiel's eyes. The hurt that he caused. Dean drew Cas into an embrace, crushing him hard against his chest. His hands trailed along his angel's back, and his nose breathed in the soft soap scent of Castiel's hair. Then in the span of a breath they were kissing. Lost in the moment Dean pulled Castiel tighter; desperate to have every surface touching all at once.
"Dean," Castiel whispered when lips parted, and the sound of want in his voice made Dean burst open with a sudden lust. He slipped his hands underneath his angel's jacket and raked fingers along the thin line of his spine. Cas gasped, and Dean hummed appreciatively against his neck.
"Uh…guys? I think you made up enough now," Sam chimed from behind them and the reality of the room crashed back on them. Dean pulled away from Castiel…reluctantly, and cleared his throat. Castiel stared at him with wide eyes, and the look on his face was pure adoration. Dean hated himself even more for hurting him. He focused back on his brother, but stayed close to Cas when they returned to the table.
Dean cleared his throat again, trying to be casual, and glanced around. He took in the lot of them. Sam, smiling sagely, Eros, staring at his hands with his face the color of a camp fire, and then there was Castiel; languidly curling himself around Dean's arm and nuzzling his face on Dean's shoulder. No matter how you cut it, the whole thing was awkward. Dean was not blushing. Blushing was for sissys.
"So," Sam said after taking in the scene. "Maybe now that there are no more hurt feelings, we can talk about how to get Gabriel a vessel."
Look at him, Sam. The most revered and feared angel in all of heaven, curled around your brother like a cat. Gabriel was breathless with laughter at the sight. Sam was not as amused. He found it…endearing. He was just glad that Dean finally stopped pushing away a chance at companionship.
"I already told you," Eros said, looking all the boy who caught his older brother in the act, "it's not possible. Gabriel doesn't exist anymore."
"Eros, he took control of my body," Sam said, frustrated that this boy couldn't put together what was obviously in front of his face. "He obviously exists."
"Samuel, you said he took over your body because he was angry at Castiel. The only reason that he was able do that was because he was angry. Like all undead things in a possession."
Eros is just a boy, Sam. He doesn't know what he's talking about.
"Wait a minute," Dean chimed in, "are you saying Gabriel is like…a poltergeist?"
"That's exactly what I'm saying," said Eros, nodding. "He's a ghost in the machine."
"Impossible," Castiel said. His eyes were closed and he continued to nuzzle against Dean's arm. His behaviors made Gabriel fall into fits of laughter again. Alive or dead, the angel always did have an off sense of humor. "To be a ghost you have to possess a soul. Angels have no souls."
"I was confused about this too, Castiel," said Eros as he looked everywhere but at his brother. His face was still crimson. "The only thing I can guess is that it's his Grace." Suddenly, Gabriel's laughter cut off as if sliced by a knife.
"Come again?" Sam asked, half distracted by his angel.
"It's not you he's haunting, Sam. He's haunting his Grace. The angel essence of a soul. It's the only thing that makes sense."
"Great!" Dean said, shrugging out of Castiel's pawing, and clapped his hands together. "So we just do a simple exorcism and-"
"No!" Sam shouted and the room fell silent. All eyes fell on him.
I exist, Sam. I am here, Sam. Tell them, gentle boy. I am here.
"No exorcism," Sam said firmly, "find another way." They were silent for a while, all unsure what direction to take. What to say.
Sam, Gabriel said and his voice sounded lost. Sam…I don't want to not exist.
Eros cleared his throat.
"There might be a way. But…I don't think it will be exactly what you want."
"Anything, please," Sam swallowed, trying not to sound so needy. "Just do it."
"Well…we'll need to gather a few things first."