(Gob)
I sent the damn kid down to get some food. Handed her a handful of caps, and had to damn near drag her to the stairs. I was shocked she came back, to be honest. Was putting Zack to sleep when she pounded on my door so hard I swear the old thing was going to break down. Zack's been feeling pretty sick, and radiation won't help the common cold, so he sort of just slept through her little episode.
I let the damn kid in, shocked of course that she was back, and she told me everything. I was only half-listening because shit, I was shocked. She was thinner than the damned wooden elevator doors, and had tired bags under her eyes. Usually the kid kept a good level of meat on her bones, keeping her lean but not sickly. Now she just looks sick. I ended up hearing about why, and what happened, though. Told me how she was taking off to GNR once she felt better, and damn she should. It's been long enough, and Three Dog has to stop shitting on her name.
But it didn't make me feel any damn better. When she told me of her whole 'selfless act of kindness'. My outlook? Fuck 'em. And shit, I have a kid. It ain't Dez's fault Lily can't provide for her mistake. Don't take away the one good thing that's happened to either one of my friends. But shit I didn't say that. Damn kid is frazzled enough. Sent her down for a cold shower and a hot meal. She'll probably still be upset, but at least she'll feel better physically. I wish there was a way I could help her out, fix it for her even, but there's nothing. All I can really do is offer an open ear and comfort her when she needs it.
I must say, though, Charon's a shitbrain for listening to her. She's somehow got herself stuck in this whole righteous mindset, and a swift kick in her ass will get her out of it. If Charon wasn't so goddamned wrapped up in doing what she wanted, I'm sure he'd give it to her. I want to, but it ain't my place. Plus I wouldn't sound like such a good parent for sayin' to leave a kid to die in the Wastes. Shit, though, I can take care of mine, and people die every damn day. The kid wants what she wants, though, whether or not it's good or bad.
I hear the door behind me open, and I turn around. Since I'm reading over some pre-war book I found at my desk, I have to swivel the old wooden chair around to face Dez.
"How was your meal, kid?"
She looks better. Her hair is damp from the shower, and already the cuts and scrapes on her hands look like they're healing. Her stomach is full, and there's a bit more color in her face.
"Nice."
She says, sitting down on my bed. Got herself a new uniform. She tosses it down on the floor though, wearing only her tank top and shorts. I never really noticed just how many scars the kid had before. They're all over her legs and arms and neck and torso. Dez catches me staring and I feel bad. I fuckin' hated it when people would stare at me.
"It's alright. I know, walking freak show."
Coming from a smoothskin, it makes me laugh. The scars aren't even that bad, even. They're just pink, not really prominent. The only prominent thing is the bone showing on her collarbone, and the bare muscles open on her wrist. I figure she'll tell me about those when she wants to, though.
"Can hardly see them, actually."
"You saw them."
"Cuz I was lookin'."
Dez sighs and shakes her head at me. She looks over at Zack, sleeping in his small home-made bed in the other room, and smiles.
"He's gotten big."
She says, staring at him.
"He wouldn't be here, kid, if you didn't help."
If Dez didn't knock Moriarty somethin' silly, I don't think I'd be here. If she didn't do half the shit she's pulled, I'd prolly be back in Paradise Falls, kickin' it with some other ghoul slaves. Not my idea. Life now, seems so much better.
"Gob?"
"Yeah?"
"You miss her?"
"Who?"
"Nova."
I sigh. Getting up, I walk over and sit next to the kid. She looks at me. Even though there's life in her damn eyes, she's still sad. If I could do anything for this girl, it'd be to make her happy.
"Yeah, kid. I miss her every day. Maybe if I had a picture of her, things would be easier, but I don't. I jut try not to let it get me down. She'd want me to be happy."
"How…did you learn to live without her?"
"I had to, kid. Ain't no way to bring someone back."
She bites her lip and rests her head on my shoulder. I still can't figure what's with these smoothskin girls. First her, then Nova, all wanting to hug and touch me. I'm a damn corpse. Ah, I shouldn't complain.
"Thinkin' about Charon?"
I ask, putting my arm around her.
"Yeah. I guess if he didn't have Lily, things would be different."
"They still can be. You're just being stubborn."
"No, I'm not. I'm being realistic. Charon's a lot different than what he used to be. And I miss the old Charon. Never thought I'd say that."
Dez chuckles, but I can see those tears runnin' down her damn cheeks. With my hand, I clean her face off. Sometimes I really do treat her like a kid.
"Hey, don't be wastin' your tears on Charon. He's a chump."
"Never heard someone call him that. Lots of other things, but never that."
"Yeah well that's cuz I'll tell ya the truth."
She smiles up at me, and I smile back down at her. This damn kid changed the world, and she don't even know it.
"You've always been honest, Gob. You're my only friend out here."
"What about Charon?"
Dez stays quiet for a bit. Damn I don't want to hear what I think I'm about to.
"It's better this way."
"Goddamnit, no it's not. You two are so fucking stupid sometimes. You know, he's just gonna follow you or you're gonna come back here."
"Of course I'm coming back, Gob. I can't leave you behind."
"Me?"
Dez looks up at me, I'm flabbergasted. Me? What the hell? What position of importance do I hold to her?
"Yeah. I can't just vanish again. I mean, I have to come back and let you know I'm alright. After all this, I'll be lucky if you even still want to talk to me."
"What? Why wouldn't I want to talk to you?"
"I don't know. Because I take off all the time."
I chuckle and hug her. She's so stupid sometimes.
"Kid, I know you're smart, and I know you're always gonna come back to see me. Been that way since you crawled out of that vault."
Dez looks at me. There's tears in her eyes, and shit it breaks my heart. Charon's a prick for taking in Lily, and he's a prick for not standing up for what he wants. If Nova tried this, I would have nipped it in the bud and set down my rules. But I guess that's what makes Charon and I different. I follow my heart, and he follows his head.
I hold Dez a bit tighter, huggin' her cuz she can't seem to stop blubbering over Charon.
"…You remind me of Raul."
She whispers as she holds on to my dirty white top.
"Who?"
"Raul. A ghoul I met in New Vegas. He'd…comfort me like this. Whenever I would cry about Charon."
"You really love Charon, don't you, kid?"
"Yeah. But right now, I just want someone to comfort me."
In time the damn kid will tell me what goes on in her head. For now I listen to her. I get up and shut Zack's door, and then I walk over and shut off the damn lights. Dez watches me like a stupid cat, those piercing eyes of hers trailing my every move. Shit it's not like I'm gonna take off or nothin'. Still though, Dez watches me until I sigh and stand in front of her. I don't know the first thing about comforting her. With Nova I'd just lie in bed and chill until she fell asleep. Dez…not so much.
"You wanna take my bed tonight, kid?"
I fold my arms in front of me, kinda feelin' like I'm scolding someone for doin' somethin' bad. In the dark, I see Dez shrug, then nod.
"Yeah. I guess."
"Alright, I'll be on the cot if you need me. Just holler."
"I need you!"
She hollers. I cringe and wait to hear Zack's little voice wakin' up, but thank god all I hear is the silence of the tower. Sighing, I shake my head at her, and sit down beside her.
"Alright, alright. I didn't mean literally holler. What is it?"
She throws herself on me, and damn I'm a bit shocked. I didn't expect Dez to be so goddamned emotional and all. Out of the blue, sort of, the damn kid just attaches herself to me and squeezes me like I'm some fuckin' ragdoll. Eh. I guess for her I can be. I owe her that much. So I don't mind when she half-drags me to the top of the bed, and pulls the damned blanket over us and curls next to me like a wounded dog. I don't, because I owe her. And because she's probably the only other being besides Zack who I feel for.
I can't help but feel a bit odd, though. I mean shit, if Charon were to walk in here right now with his no-knocking nonsense, I'd be pretty much a dead man. I ain't doin' nothin' wrong, but it looks it. Dez all curled up and almost on top of me, and me letting her do it. I don't want to think about what Charon will do to me if he finds out.
"Am I making you uncomfortable?"
Her voice is muffled from my shirt, and it's damn soft, too. I look down, even though it's dark, and I can see the whites of her eyes.
"No uh, I mean, not really."
"I can leave."
"No, really, it's fine."
Dez sighs, peaceful, closing her eyes slowly. I stroke her hair, trying to make her feel better. I'm not sure how well I'm doing that, though. Absentmindedly, I kiss the top of her head. She wiggles a bit under the covers, then stops.
"You're my best friend, Gob."
"I know."
"You're my only friend."
"Now don't be goin' that far."
"You are, though."
I know where this is goin'. Women do some crazy shit when they're bein' crazy, which is all the damn time. Dez is no exception. So I do my best to maneuver myself away from her a bit. I don't need no one barging in here and alerting Charon that I'm trying to get with his woman. And I don't care what the hell either one of them says, that's his woman, and he's her man.
"Gob?"
Dez holds fast to my arm, and I sigh. I was tryna scoot my ass out of the bed, but she caught me.
"Yeah kid?"
"Don't leave. Please."
I can't deny her. I mean, shit, she's always been special to me, and she needs me. I can try my best to make sure it don't go above harmless cuddling. But shit I'm a man, and Dez is an emotionally distraught woman. I really hope I live long enough to see the sun tomorrow.
"Alright, kid. Let me just take my boots off."
I sit up and swing my legs over. I take my time unlacing my boots because well, I'm wry. I don't want Dez getting all…sexual. Nova would do it countless times, before she ever even admitted to having feelings for me. The girl would burst into my room, high on Jet or Psycho, and throw herself at me like I was the last man on Earth. I tried to be moralistic, and fight her off for her own safety, but eventually I caved in. Shit if I didn't, I wouldn't have ever known the damn girl loved me though.
Eventually I work my boots off and sigh. Shit. Looking over my shoulder, Dez lays in my damn bed, her face all wet and her hair all everywhere. I ain't got no choice. So I lie back down, and I sigh. She places herself against me, and I put my arm around her.
"Gob?"
"Yeah?"
"You don't like laying with me."
I do. It's just, I'd like to keep what skin I have, on my body.
"I uh…I do it's just…kid I wanna keep my skin."
"No one is going to skin you, Gob. We're not doing anything wrong."
She's right and I have to hand that to her.
"Yeah. I know."
She scoots herself so close, I can feel the moistness of her cheeks against my neck.
"I just really need someone right now."
"Why don't you talk to Charon?"
"Because I can't, Gob. I can't go up there and tell him I need him, tell him I love him or any of that, even if I want to. Even if…I'd do anything to be able to."
"Why?"
"It's over, Gob. As long as Lily and Mackenzie have to stay here, then I can't. Because I can't send that damn kid to her death. She didn't do anything wrong. Lily I can kill myself but Mackenzie…no."
As crazy as this sounds, Dez does have a point. Shit, though, I don't want to believe it's over. No one else in this goddamned world will support Dez and Charon. Shit even Dez and Charon won't support Dez and Charon. But I will. They deserve one another, and they deserve to be happy with one another. I can't do jack shit, though. I mean, what? Am I supposed to go up to Lily and tell her to piss off? Damn bitch would laugh right in my face. I'd laugh, too, if I was yelling at myself.
"Whenever I cry…I know that Charon thinks I'm weak."
"What gives you that idea?"
"He's Charon."
"True."
She sniffles, and I rub her back a bit harder. I could roll on my side, turn and face her, but that'd be too damn close for my comfort.
"Did you know I used to play piano?"
She did? Dez can play an instrument? Not only that, a classical instrument. Shit if anything, I'd expect her to be pounding on a guitar or at least a bass. But the piano?
"You did?"
I look down at her, utterly shocked.
"Yeah. I used to play it all the time in the vault. Charon he…he played with me once."
"Charon can play piano, too?"
Dez smiles up at me, as if she's proud of him for that.
"Yeah. We both can. We played together once. I used to…love playing the piano. I haven't in so long, though. I know how to read music, too."
"Well, I never would have guessed."
"There's a lot of things you wouldn't guess about me, Gob."
"Indulge me, then."
For one, this gets her mind off of Charon. And for two, it calms her down, leaving me in the safe-zone. I learn a lot about Dez. Like how she used to be a loner in the vault, and how her and her dad never once saw eye-to-eye. She tells me all she can remember, tells me things about her and Charon I never would have guessed. She tells me when she first cried to him, when she first knew she loved him, and when he comforted her in all her times of pain. Then, she talks about this song. I know I've heard it before, but it's been so damn long. She claims Charon gave it to her, and she's always carried around this piece of paper with the words and notes on it. I find that kind of cute. Her voice fluctuates when she talks about tender moments. It makes me feel sad for her.
"I tried my best, Gob. I tried my best with everything I did, and it all went wrong. But…but I'll still stand up, Gob."
"Stand up for what?"
"For whatever I want. I'll come back to the tower, and I'll stand up for Charon, and me, and the world if I have to."
"Dez, you don't have to prove anything to anyone anymore."
"I do, though, Gob. I have to prove things to myself."
"Why?"
She sighs, yawning and closing her eyes.
"Because I'm the only one left now."