Disclaimer: I do not nor did I ever own Yu-Gi-Oh!-that does not mean, however, that I don't enjoy borrowing the characters...
"We're running with the shadows of the night
So baby take my hand; it'll be alright
Surrender all your dreams to me tonight."
~Shadows of the Night, Pat Benatar
Chapter 30
Alistair took Seto's computer back to his room and with Sewell on his lap proceeded to research common German phrases that he could use in Hamburg as a means of distraction from what Seto had said.
After a few hours he decided it was time for bed and shut the laptop down. True to his word he had not looked at Seto's files though he'd wanted to. He yawned.
"It's time for me to go," he informed the cat who was half asleep. She mewed grumpily when he lifted her off his lap. "Sorry. But if you and Seto would just work out your differences it wouldn't have to be this way."
After showering and getting ready for bed, Alistair made his way to Seto's bedroom.
"Wie geht's?" he asked after breezing into the bathroom where Seto was brushing his teeth.
"Is that what you were doing with the internet?" Seto asked before spitting into the sink. He found the thought of Alistair trying to memorize basic German highly entertaining.
"Yeah. I want to at least know a little German. I'll sound really stupid if I have to always ask if the person I want to talk to knows English. Now answer the question: wie geht's?"
"Ich bin müde," Seto replied, rolling his eyes as he carefully set his toothbrush back in the holder and got into bed.
"Ich auch." Alistair was quite proud of how much he'd learned in just a few hours.
"Good, then come to bed."
"Don't you want to hear what else I learned?" Seto sighed.
"To be honest, not really. But go ahead."
Alistair proceeded to list off the phrases he'd memorized ending with:
"And I know that 'Sie' is the formal form of you and that 'du' is the informal form of 'you' and I can count to fifteen."
Seto was actually pretty impressed that Alistair was able to pick up so much so fast and that his accent was so good, but he was also tired, as he'd said, and didn't feel like pursuing the topic any further.
"Congratulations. Now get into bed. There will be plenty of people you can impress once we get there. I'm not one of them."
"I don't know why I expected you to openly admit how brilliant I am," Alistair grumbled, but he wasn't really that bothered; he knew Seto hardly ever admitted how he really felt about anything. He slid into the bed next to the brunette and tried to force his subconscious into submission as Seto wrapped his arm around him, but he couldn't manage it.
"Are you still awake?" Seto asked after fifteen minutes of silence.
"How'd you know?"
"Once you fall asleep you almost always roll over a couple of times and start mumbling."
"Oh."
"So what's the matter? Are you worried about making the flight tomorrow? Because if you are, don't be. Aside from myself of course, Henry swears you're one of the best he ever worked with."
"It's not that."
"Then it's about what I said earlier, isn't it?" Alistair rolled onto his other side so that he was facing Seto.
"I know that you're right and that I need to let them go, but I can't." Seto stared at him intently, obviously mulling something over.
"Get out of bed," he said abruptly, moving to do just that himself.
"What, why? It's like one in the morning."
"You're not sleeping and neither am I. Now get up. We're going for a drive."
"Right now?" Alistair's eyes were wide. "How's that going to help?"
"Yes right now. Just go get your backpack and get dressed and meet me in the foyer in ten minutes." He had no idea what Seto was up to but he nodded and swung his legs off the bed.
As he'd promised he met up with Seto ten minutes later having thrown on the first set of clothes he could lay his hands on and slinging his backpack over his shoulder.
"Here," Seto thrust a black coat into Alistair's arms, a coat that matched his own. "It's cold out." Still completely mystified he momentarily set his bag on the ground in order to shrug on the heavy winter jacket.
Once they had been on the road for a few minutes Alistair suddenly realized where they were going and developed an inkling as to why. As they zoomed past newly budding trees, Alistair decided to confirm his suspicions.
"We're going to the top of the mountain, aren't we?"
"Not bad. Yes. There's something I need to do."
"You?" As he shifted gears, Seto glanced over at his companion.
"Not everything revolves around you."
"Then why did you drag me out of bed?"
"I need you there to make sure I go through with it."
"Go through with what?" Alistair asked warily.
"Something I should have done a long time ago," Seto murmured as he slowed down enough to safely turn onto the mountain road, trying not to think about what the dirt and pebbles were doing to the underside of his car.
They reached the summit without another exchange and Seto pulled up next to a large oak tree. After getting out of the car he popped the trunk to retrieve the small shovel he'd gotten from George's collection in the garden shed. Upon seeing the tool, Seto's plan became crystal clear and Alistair protectively hugged his backpack to his chest.
"No," he said, shaking his head. "No way. I won't do it."
"Do what?" Seto asked innocently. "This isn't about you." He surveyed the empty field, wondering why it hadn't been developed yet and trying to decide on the best place to dig, finally settling on a spot under the tree he'd parked next to and leaning down to press the shovel into the springy earth. Alistair watched in silence as Seto proceeded to dig a foot into the ground whereupon he hit a root.
"That should be fine," he said, more to himself than to Alistair. Looking up at the redhead he added: "I had no right to tell you to let go of your family until I did the same." He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out the photographs from the desk in his bedroom. "I've been holding onto these long enough." He dropped the stack of pictures into the hole where they landed with a soft thump.
"What are you doing? Those are the only pictures of your parents you have left!" Alistair made to rescue them, his backpack falling to the ground. Seto reached out an arm to stop him.
"So what if they are? What good does having these pictures do me? They're just weighing me down and stopping me from really getting on with my life. Those pictures aren't my parents, and keeping them won't bring them back. Sometimes it's better to forget and be happy than remember and be miserable." He kicked a clod of dirt into the hole causing a spray of soil to scatter across the photos, partially obscuring Mokuba's face.
"You expect me to bury Mikey's Dino Dude and my father's knife, don't you? That's what this is really about, isn't it?" Alistair asked slowly as Seto filled in the hole he'd just made and smoothed it out on top.
"You can do whatever you want; it makes no difference to me."
"Stop trying to manipulate me!" Alistair shouted angrily, feeling horribly threatened and more than a little claustrophobic despite their open surroundings. The thought of burying the only reminders of his family that he had left was causing him to panic even though he knew the choice was his to make and that Seto would not force him to. Deep down, he knew it would be the right thing to do. For Mikey, for his parents, and perhaps most importantly, for himself.
"I hate you," he spat at Seto, snatching the spade from him and furiously digging a second hole (grave) beside the mound that Seto had created without regard to the cold attempting to creep into his joints or the fact that he was going to be essentially burying his family.
His hole was not nearly as clean-cut as Seto's had been given that it had been dug in a rage, but it was much deeper; Alistair dug until he was exhausted. Breathing hard and trying not to give in to the grief threatening to overwhelm him he threw the spade so hard to the ground that it sank in a few inches. Before he lost his nerve he angrily unzipped his backpack and rooted around for the broken action figure and pocket knife and hurled them into the hole he'd dug. As he began filling it in with the sizable pile of dirt he'd amassed he could no longer hold back his tears which spattered to the ground.
Seto watched on silently. Most people would have gone to Alistair to comfort him, but Seto Kaiba was not most people. He knew better than to coddle in this situation. Alistair had to do this on his own.
Alistair smoothed the dirt on top before losing his composure completely. He let out a heart-wrenching cry of agony before collapsing onto the ground, sobbing so hard that his whole body shook. Still Seto did nothing.
"It's not fair!" he said loudly between sobs. "It's not fair, it's not fair, it's not fair! What did any of us ever do to deserve this?" He slammed his fist on the ground, tears still sliding freely down his cheeks. A few minutes later he turned his tear-soaked face to Seto.
"Why did you bring me here?" he asked thickly, the betrayal he felt evident in his voice.
"So you could say goodbye."
"I don't want to!"
"If you don't you're going to be like this for the rest of your life, is that what you want? Is that what they'd want for you?"
"Of course not."
"Then let go of your past. It's not as easy as I wish it was, but it gets better in time, especially when you don't have reminders lying around. Now get off the ground, stop ruining my coat and do what you have to do; I'll be in the car. Take whatever time you need." He turned to go. Alistair sprang to his feet.
"Don't go; I don't want to do this by myself…"
"You can, and you will."
"I've been doing things on my own for the last nine years of my life; I'm sick of it. Please, stay here with me. Just for a few minutes." Against his better judgment Seto knelt down beside Alistair on the ground. Damn those pathetic gray eyes!
Seto instinctively took Alistair's hand in his, though it was still trembling from a combination of grief and cold, and squeezed.
"I'm so sorry Mikey," Alistair began shakily. "I'm sorry that I couldn't save you. I never got to thank you for keeping me going after mom died. You never complained or stopped smiling even though I know you were scared and you kept my hope alive. I'll miss you little brother." He was hit by a fresh wave of tears and there was a pause until he was able to continue. "Dad, I didn't know you, but you died fighting for me and mom and Mikey which makes you a hero to me. And mom," his lip trembled, "I'm so sorry that I let you down. I told you that I'd protect Mikey and I failed, not only that but then I joined the bad guys. I thought I was doing the right thing, fighting on the ride side, but I was wrong. I was so lost, and I'm still not sure what I want to do with my life, just that whatever it is, I want it to be something that'll make you proud of me. Goodbye…mom."
He removed his hand from Seto's in order to rest his face in his palms and cry some more, though he couldn't believe that he had enough water left in his eyes to cry anymore.
This time Seto did what Alistair had wanted from him all along and put an arm around him though he still didn't offer any words of comfort. Alistair responded by flinging his arms around Seto's neck and sobbing into his shoulder.
"I'm sorry that I'm so weak," he said shakily, gripping onto Seto's jacket; his only anchor in a swirling sea of grief.
"You're not," Seto replied gruffly. "You're mourning. Most people cry when they've lost someone."
"Not you."
"Yeah, well, according to you that doesn't make me particularly strong, just particularly well-trained. I'm not happy about burying those pictures, but I knew it would help you. Now pull yourself together. You've cried enough, don't you think?"
"No," Alistair admitted, pulling away from Seto in order to wipe the last tears from his eyes. "But I do feel better. This was a good idea even though I didn't want to do it. Thank you." The kiss was salty but not unpleasant.
Alistair would have had no trouble curling up under the tree to sleep, so exhausted was he after the night's exertions, but Seto insisted that they return to the mansion. During the ride Alistair fell asleep. Seto couldn't imagine ever falling asleep in such an uncomfortable position, namely with his head resting against the window of a moving vehicle, but then again he had never worn himself out by sobbing for a half an hour after having just feverishly dug a four foot deep hole. At least now Seto hoped the pain that Alistair carried with him would ease and eventually subside.
They arrived back at the mansion at almost three in the morning. Seto declined to comment when Saito asked where they'd been except to say that the car would have to be taken to be looked at. After he'd pulled into the garage, parked, and turned off the car, he reached out, intending to wake Alistair up, but the redhead looked so peaceful that he didn't have the heart to. Instead, he got out and walked around to the passenger door. Opening it as gently as possible so as not to cause Alistair to fall out, he attempted to pick him up the way he did with Mokuba sometimes when he fell asleep in front of the television, and like he'd done with Alistair once before.
Alistair's eyes opened a sliver as Seto hefted him into his arms, but he was so warm and sleepy that he closed them again and let Seto carry him into the house and up to the bedroom where he laid him out on the bed.
Seto reflected on how different carrying Alistair had been this time. Alistair wasn't in a coma for one thing, but more importantly there was no doubt in Seto's mind as to why he didn't mind holding the redhead so close to him that he could feel him inhaling and exhaling, feel the warmth radiating off of him.
Alistair woke up as Seto was changing back into his pajamas long enough to sit up and take off his borrowed coat and his jeans and shirt and toss them on the floor before laying back down to sleep again, not even bothering to get under the blankets.
After brushing his teeth for a second time, Seto changed the alarm on his phone to two hours later than he'd planned, then got back into bed next to Alistair who lay sprawled in the middle. He gently brushed the redhead's disheveled bangs off his face and since Alistair was taking up most of the bed, elected to rest his head in the hollow of his bedmate's shoulder, his left arm draped across Alistair's torso.
"I love you too," he said softly, wondering if one day he'd have the courage to say that when Alistair could actually hear it.
Author's Note: We're in the home stretch! There's only one thing left; any guesses?
Seto made it clear in Battle City that he thinks the optimum way to escape a less than happy past is to get rid of any reminders lying around, therefore I think it stands to reason that in an attempt to help Alistair he'd apply the same logic.
Oh yes, Seto loves Alistair. If I've done my job correctly that should have been apparent for some time. ;)