Day 36 – The Dark Side
I admit, I'm proud of this chapter. But tell me what you think is going on here with Gilbert. What do you think he is promising to do?
He could feel the power in the place.
Standing in Stonehenge's inner circle, Gilbert found it hard to believe that they had started the day in twenty-first century London. They had driven out to Salisbury, dropped off their luggage at the renovated coaching inn, and driven down to Cranborne Estate. As Lili put it, "I have to be able to talk intelligently about at least one garden when I see Vash." It had been a pleasant garden, in a very controlled Renaissance way, but it was not Sans Souci, which Gilbert considered the ultimate garden. And it was not Stonehenge.
He distanced himself from Lili, who listened to the very knowledgeable, very British tour guide tell her and the mortals about age, construction and possible purpose of the place. He wasn't interested in that. He wanted silence and the chance to listen to the hum of energy from the earth and the stones. He wanted to concentrate on the power that radiated from the earth within the circle. He knelt down and placed his hands on the grass, closed his eyes and inhaled.
It felt wonderful, little flames of energy whirling into his fingerprints. He so desperately wanted to roll upon the earth, to crawl to the cold mighty stones and lick them, to feel the charge enter his mouth. He would have begged whatever resided here to give him one more try at power, to wield its sword. He knew he had abused it terribly, wasted it on cruel little games and tricks. He had been too heavy-handed, when power was more like a hawk or spirited horse, that needed a sure lightness of touch. He had been too proud, sure that he could rule it. And it had ruled him, making him its addict.
He glanced over at the group, his gaze drawn to Lili. She stood as erect and light as a dancer, the setting sun behind her. He had studied her over the last few days, setting little tests and watching her handle them. He saw how surely and confidently she moved in the world away from Vash. He had observed how polite but firm she had been with salespeople and museum clerks who mistook her small size and soft voice for weakness. She had sweetly and stubbornly checked his attempts at encroachment. Even now, she commanded the guide's respect, simply with her attentive stare and well-placed questions. She has it, he thought, the sweet innocent little fool has it and she doesn't even know it.
Gilbert felt dizzy. He leaned his forehead down upon the grass, still warm from the summer afternoon. The blades bristled against his forehead, the energy teasing him. Bitte, he whispered, one more time, one more shot. But the spirit of the place turned its back to him. You can't handle me, it sneered. He shook his head against the grass and earth, tears coming to his eyes. Ich weiß, ich weiß, he murmured, lassen Sie mich gerade in der Nähe von Ihnen sein.Lassen Sie mich Ihnen dienen.1
The moment he said those words, the energy shifted. As the dusk loomed over the stones and the air chilled, he felt something come closer. It was as if the ancient force had heard his plea and was mulling it over. You don't deserve me, it said, unless…. He knew what it wanted from him. He knew that if he surrendered to it, it would be crueler and more just than Ivan, because unlike Ivan, it had no wounds or needs or ideologies. It would break the shell he had constructed over the past twenty years and demand that he start over, exposed, vulnerable and ashamed. It would make him bet everything he had and the odds would be in its favor. But at least, he could be near it again, and adore it the way it demanded.
He sat up, his hands covering his face, breathing deeply.
"Gilbert, Schatz." Little chilled hands gripped his wrists. He looked up and saw Lili staring at him, circled by a group of mortal shades murmuring in English, German, Spanish. She turned and waved them away. "He's all right, we'll be all right," she said sweetly and firmly in English. Then she turned back to him. Even in the darkening twilight, he could see her luminous skin, the forest green of her eyes. And he knew what was going to happen, what he needed to do. If the power wanted him to do this, he would. At least, he thought with relief, he could do it with a joyful heart. Ja,he assented, and he bowed his head to it.
"Are you all right?" Lili asked in German. He nodded. "I just got dizzy." He said. It wasn't a total lie, he muttered to the force that lurked behind the stones. He stood up, realizing his knees had stiffened.
"We need to get back on the bus," Lili said. They walked back with the other tourists. As they departed the circle, Gilbert looked back at the great stones, feeling the weight of their bargain on his soul.
1 German: I know, I know. Just let me be near you. Let me serve you.