Who He Wants To Be

by Gracefultree

Chapter 35: Lunchtime Conversations

Posted: February 15, 2015

A/N: Thanks so much for being patient with my time away. Here's a short chapter to bridge between arcs of the story. Enjoy!

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There was a text from James waiting for Ianto when he woke Sunday morning, telling him he'd made it safely to Cardiff and was turning off his mobile for the next few days. He needed to avoid all kinds of distractions, he said, even ones as attractive as his boyfriend. Ianto held the phone to his chest, feeling cared for. He liked that James called him his boyfriend. There was a certain ring to it that made him smile.

The brief voicemail he got after his shower Monday morning make him grin, since he hadn't expected it. James sounded happy, if tired, and he could hear police sirens in the background, as well as James's colleague Owen calling for him to get off the phone, someone had to tell the bloody cops to mind their own fucking business and the last time he'd done it, there hadn't been police cooperation for a week. James apologized to both Ianto and Owen, and said he'd call him again soon.

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"...7 September, 1940, the first day of the London Blitz, was a turning point for the nation..."

"Ianto, hi. Do you mind...?"

Ianto looked up from his book to see Billy standing next to his table. He glanced around the room, up to Billy's face, down to the the tray in Billy's hands, the empty half of his two-person table and back up to Billy's face and the hopeful smile there. The Torchwood canteen was filled to capacity, unusual, but the rainy weather and Monday blues probably contributed. There were very few seats available, and Ianto had selected his small table to be out of the way so that he could read his book in peace. He and Billy tended to sit together, when Ianto wasn't having lunch with Lisa, but Ianto had wanted to be alone today, so he'd gone to lunch early. Still, it might be nice to eat lunch with someone who shared certain — qualities — with him. Everything seemed different now, after the group on Friday… After the talk with James…

He motioned for Billy to sit.

"Yes, of course! Sorry, busy reading. Didn't see the place fill up."

"What are you reading?" Billy asked, settling into the chair and putting down his tray. Salad, soup, bag of crisps, bottle of water, and an apple, Ianto noticed, standard lunch for Billy. He glanced at his own sandwich, made at home, as usual, and wondered if Billy thought less of him for saving money by bringing his. He doubted it. Billy was a good friend, and friends didn't judge each other like that.

"My friend James loves World War II, and he recommended this book about the Blitz a few weeks ago. Just got around to starting it," Ianto explained.

"Is James…?" Billy let his question trail off.

Ianto blinked. Billy was asking about James. Billy had been in group, so he knew… Maybe it would be nice to talk with him, to share some of his thoughts. It might be nice to have a friend with similar — interests. Now that he was aware of those interests, or willing to admit to them. And he'd talked to Billy about James before, even though they'd pretended the conversation never happened. They hadn't gotten to talk Friday afternoon, since Billy had been called into a meeting as soon as he got back to his desk after group.

"Yeah, he is." Ianto smiled. "My boyfriend."

"Can I ask?"

"About him? Sure."

Billy started eating his salad. "On Friday it sounded like you've been doing a lot of thinking. Did you share any of that with him? You must've, to call him your boyfriend now."

"Can we really talk about this? I mean, Sheila said —"

"It's fine to talk about your own experiences with whoever you want. And since you and I were both there, we can talk about it, too. Just don't tell anyone who wasn't there who was, without their permission, or about their issues. I'm out, so you can mention that I was there, if you want," Billy said, interrupting Ianto to explain some of the nuances of support group etiquette to him.

"Oh. That makes sense, I guess. I'm not really out…"

"I know. That's ok. We all have our own processes and timelines." He smiled at Ianto. "So, James. Did you talk to him?"

Ianto felt his own smile, big and happy. "Yeah."

"And? How did it go?"

"He was so excited!" Ianto exclaimed. "It was like all his Christmases happened at once. I've never seen him that happy. I mean, once I convinced him I meant it."

"What do you mean, convinced him?"

Ianto's smile faltered a little. "The last time either of us used the word 'boyfriend' I got angry with him. It was my own fault, of course. I should've just ignored it, but I was embarrassed, and I got angry, and we had a fight about it where I told him I'd never feel comfortable using that word for us."

"So now you had to explain that you'd changed your mind, huh? I can see how that'd be awkward."

"No, it's more than that. I've been so scared... And he's always been understanding, and patient, and everything I'd want, but..." He trailed off. "He's 11 years older than me. He has a lot of experience. It's hard for me to understand why he'd want to be with me."

"Have you asked him?"

"He says that he can relax and be himself with me. Then he'll say something flirty or dirty or inappropriate. To break the seriousness of the mood."

"Sounds like a lot of the guys I've dated," Billy muttered.

"Have you dated a lot?" Ianto paused, realized that might be a rude question and apologized. "Sorry, that's pretty personal, isn't it?"

Billy grinned. "It's also the kind of thing you talk to your friends about, so I'll forgive you." He winked to show Ianto he was teasing. "I've had two boyfriends and four girlfriends. I thought I was gay for a while, since I was with my first boyfriend for over a year, and in secondary school that sure seems like forever, doesn't it? But then I dated Monica and Sasha and Alexa, so I figured Ben was just a phase, until Alex swept me off my feet in university. When that ended I dated around a bit, nothing serious until Pippy."

"Pippy?"

"My most recent ex. She kept wanting to put me in a box, to decide which I wanted, and that's what helped me figure out I was bi. I didn't want to have to choose. And before you say anything, I'll probably end up with just one person, and everyone will assign me a sexuality based on whether my partner has a dick or a pussy, but, hey, that's how it goes for folks like me, right?"

Ianto looked at Billy with a greater level of respect. "You've really thought about it, haven't you?"

Billy shrugged, turning to his soup. "I guess."

"What does your family say? From what you said on Friday—"

"They just want grand kids. They don't care about anything else. They knew I was bi before I did."

"Huh."

"So, I bet you and James had a good weekend after that talk," Billy said to bring the conversation back to Ianto. "Do anything especially nice to celebrate?"

Ianto blushed, remembering the lovemaking.

"Besides that," Billy said with a smirk.

Ianto's blush got darker and he looked down at the remains of his lunch. "We, um, we didn't have time for anything else," Ianto whispered. "He had to leave for work."

"Work?"

"Work."

"When? The next morning?"

"Almost right away."

Billy looked at him, his spoon stopped halfway to his mouth. "When did you have this talk?"

"Saturday night. Or Sunday morning. I wasn't paying attention to which it was."

"You didn't want to have it right away on Friday?"

"He didn't get to mine until Saturday. That's when he usually gets here. Then he'll stay through early Monday, so he can get back to work on time. But this time he got a call about something and had to leave early."

"In the middle of the night, early? What does he do?"

"He's a scientist, and I guess one of his experiments was going haywire, or something. He can't tell me the details."

Billy sighed and put down his spoon. "Are you sure it's not a line? That he didn't freak out, or something? I mean, it sounds kind of —"

"I know how it sounds, but I believe him!" Ianto interrupted. "And he didn't freak out. He left me a really nice text and voicemail to let me know he made it to Cardiff safely."

"Okay, okay, I get it," Billy said quickly, backing off. "I didn't mean to offend you, or anything."

"No, I'm sorry. It wasn't good timing. My flatmate Steve said something similar." Ianto paused. "I'm not about to start doubting him now. James, I mean."

"You really like him," Billy commented, biting into his apple. "I can tell."

"I've never —" Ianto broke off, looked around the room and leaned forward to continue in a softer voice. Billy leaned closer to hear him. "I've never felt this way about anyone before," he confided.

"What's it like?"

"He makes me happy. And seeing him so happy and excited the other night, that made me happy, too. Making him happy makes me happy. Does that make sense?" He continued before Billy could answer. "And if we've been dating for seven months, without realizing it… Well, without me admitting it, well, that's a decent amount of time, isn't it? That means something, wouldn't you think?"

"In my experience, anything that lasts longer than three months is something," Billy said. "But it also doesn't have to mean more than it does. This is your first relationship with a guy. Go at your own pace. It sure seems like James is willing to walk beside you on the path."

"He's been a little frustrated at times, but he's never rushed me. I think he'd be happy to stay doing this for a long time."

"Would you?"

Ianto considered the question. Would he be able to date James for a while? Would he be able to call it 'dating', and not just 'going on dates?' The thought of being ok with not seeing James didn't seem possible. The thought of losing him didn't seem bearable. He needed James, he was finally willing to admit. He liked him.

How long was a 'long time,' though? How long did he want to keep this up? Meeting James on the weekends, having sex, going on dates…

If they were dating, he'd eventually have to tell his sister… He wasn't anywhere near ready for that, even though he knew she'd be fine with it, if her response to meeting James was a warm as it had been.

But in the short-term? In the foreseeable future? Could he stay with James, keep doing what they'd been doing?

"Yes."

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Ianto and Billy parted ways at their desks, Ianto being assigned three boxes of files to read, scan, and cross-reference as he added them to the digital database. Because it was such intense work, he was assigned a small office in the basement, and the work kept him so busy that it didn't occur to him that he hadn't heard from James until Thursday. He'd sent James the usual good morning and goodnight texts every day, and called once or twice, but he hadn't heard back. On his lunch break he called again, asking James to call back or text, just to reassure him he was all right. He didn't want to be the overbearing boyfriend who always needed to know where James was, he added, just that he was worried.

"Whatcha reading?" a voice asked as a tray plopped down on the table across from Ianto. He looked up from his book to see Zach settling into a chair, all without asking if he could join Ianto.

"A book on the London Blitz," Ianto answered, curbing his irritation at being interrupted. He'd passed Billy on the way into the canteen, and they'd agreed to meet after work for a drink instead of sharing lunch, so Ianto could read. He'd been getting home so late, and been so tired, that he hadn't gotten farther than the first chapter. His supervisor had added another two boxes of documents to his pile that morning.

"You a war buff?" Zach asked, popping a chip into his mouth and chewing inelegantly.

"No, but James suggested I read it." Ianto answered with a sigh, deciding it was a better political move to be pleasant to Yvonne's personal assistant.

"Your 'friend'?"

"Yep."

"How's he doing?" Zach continued, leaning forward.

"Fine, just fine," Ianto mumbled, taking a bite of his sandwich to avoid having to say more.

"You seeing him tomorrow?"

"Saturday."

"Hmm, not a full weekend, then? He coming here or you going there?"

Ianto paused, looking across at Zach. Why was he so interested in James? "He's coming here," he said after a moment. "We have a date planned."

"Something good, I hope."

"Fancy restaurant, he said. Not sure which one."

"Well, enjoy!" Zach said, gathering his tray and standing. "Let me know how it goes."

"Um, sure, will do."

Ianto watched Zach leave with a frown on his face. Something was off about the man, and the hairs on the back of his neck stood on end. He sighed and returned to his book. Maybe he could talk about it with James that night.

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tbc in Chapter 36: Where is James?