Behind Black Curtains
An AU, Sephiroth and Tifa fanfiction
- by Amaranthos-
Chapter 35: Preserved Calm
It was a new day, a new hour… a good time to exist, too.
Birds were chirping, people were laughing and father was in a great mood. Yuffie followed him around like a cute little duckling who never wanted to be separated, and inasmuch as some would termed her 'outsider', I felt like everyone had fallen in love with the brave-hearted girl; in fact, I felt like my father was beginning to see her like a second daughter – the cuter, more tentative one.
For the most part the mood back at home was wonderful. Sunlight spreads across the land, while children play on green turfs filling the world with laughter and happiness. The blue skies and white clouds seem much bigger and brighter back at home and every so often I find myself staring aimlessly at the heavens, mesmerized and enthralled by its beauty. Life back at home truly was wonderful and everything someone could want. There's family and friends, happiness and peace…
"Its everything someone like me would want" I whispered to myself…
It was exactly what I required for my healing from that wretched place. I had it all…
Too bad though… "that I didn't appreciate any of it"
The very messed-up reality about this picture was the whole fact, that as people were laughing and smiling, eating and celebrating – soldiers were fighting in the war, generals and commanders were all at their posts deep in the roots of the war fighting and labouring over a brighter tomorrow. Behind these walls… behind those gates, are men who are fighting for their lives and being one - who was ill-prepared to face the incandescent reality of war and the psychological effects from the enemy's point of view, its dim to agree with all our rituals and traditions of enjoying and celebrating when our people are in simple …out there dying.
But those were just words…
Words everyone had already heard. Every general, commander… orchestrator of war knew and understood what it meant to take and teach a man how to kill and yet they never teach you how to die...and yet that soldier who died in the war fades away like some distant reverie and eventually is termed a 'hero' for dying savagely… all for this anarchy.
I ask myself several times, is war really worth it? With so many men… wasted, eliminated…dead and buried, what is our generation to look like? Are young children suppose to idolize some hidden 'beauty' of fighting and being patriotic to their empire by fighting and giving their lives almost on a cynical suicidal level, all for what is painted to be right?
I've seen many men die….
And if you don't die from war… it takes you in other ways.
I especially have learned this truth with someone who I did not expect to near my heart to, and by becoming vulnerable just for a second, I saw into the soul of the enemy…and saw that he too was a man, but he too would die. Obviously, I'm referring to the only man I've shared intimacy with – General Sephiroth.
I sighed. He was the finest pedigree of soldier, the best engineering of deadliest assassin, in the fleshly body of course. People thought him to be a great myth – a cursed soul to do the work of Satan himself. The stories were infinite as they were creative… but they were all untrue.
The life of this man is anything but colourful. If his soul ever did wear a colour it would probably look like black, but to chose black makes it common and he isn't common. Uncanny, exotic… strange and enticing are all words I could use for him and perhaps they would all paint him something interesting, but witnessing his life as the most superb assassin, I have come to see his life is more of a large burden. He doesn't ask for man's sympathy and understanding, as he's lost his only thread of humanness in the price of war. But war does that to a man. As I've come to understand: the better you are at creating war… it takes more of you, and make you less of you.
It's so hard to imagine his life…and I ask myself where would a woman like me begin to needle and thread his gashing life? It almost seems cruel as fate oriented our whole relationship on the awkward and forbidden terms that we were both enemies. He is the hand of Black Crescents, and I am the heir to Red Hearts. I was never supposed to fall in love with a man of his nature, but I did.
I winced…
Now, in one day's time he will be publicly executed as a demonstration that great gods of war can be killed, and surely his death would create leverage on the playing field. But it creates a far greater hurt for me… for even if he lived – I hated him, and even if he died – I hated him too. But to kill him, I would miss him… and I didn't want to miss him…because as wrong as this all sounded, I was in love with him…
As forbidden, taboo and uncultured it was a thing to say… I would say it—no, I would profess it a thousand times. The more I saw myself, I saw a woman frantically in love who could not let go – who was at her breaking point, ready to break all ties with the very family she loves, all for the shape and illusion of love in a man…who I knew could never love me.
"Tifa" she tapped my shoulder.
I shook my head, "Yuffie?" I looked up.
"Isn't this great? Your dad taught me fishing and look what I caught" she lifts a squirming silver trout.
I smiled, "way to go, Yuf" I tried to sound happy, but it was difficult.
"Your dad caught five fishes. What I wouldn't do to catch five fishes" she giggles, "we'd have a feast" she sounds so happy and elated, that I actually feel bad for bringing her down.
No matter how much I tried to make myself feel better, it was becoming more and more difficult.
She returns to my father's side, who smiles heartily at the young girl. I study the pair and the scenario is warming to my heart. They sit on the river bank, eating small sandwiches and watching the slow current in the river pass. The plush green grass is not too overgrown for the sport of fishing or cloud gazing. Yellow and orange butterflies flitter up and down all about the plants, while the occasional dragonfly darts over the quiet river.
I stand to my feet, staring at the clear brown river. I use to love this river as a child. Every summer my friends and I would come here and bathe for hours nonstop. It was always a pleasant feeling leaving the water all shriveled up with my father and the other parents nearby with snacks and warm towels.
A small fish jumps into the water and I smiled. The scintillating rings on the water's surface, invites me for an afternoon's dip…
But as I'm about to enjoy in that thought for a second, I remind myself of the war and Sephiroth.
"Why don't you join us, koishii (sweetheart)?" my father endears me.
I sighed.
I approached him, sitting next to him as he threw his fishing pole into the river.
"Would you like to try, my dear?" he asks, with a gentle smile on his face.
"No thank you, father" I smiled, "I much rather watch you and Yuffie fish, it's enjoyable" I explained.
He smiles, "I'm glad you're enjoying yourself then" he pauses to reel in his pole setting it firmly into the ground.
"So what's on your mind, Tifa?" he asks, with all his attention on me.
I blushed, "n-nothing" I waved off…
"Tifa" he starts, "I know that face anywhere" he smirks, "your mother had that exact look when she was thinking." He smiles.
I looked down. How could I tell my father what were my thoughts when he was enjoying some peaceful quality time with us girls? It's not a common thing for my father to close his schedule for anyone, but he happily obliges it for me. I looked at him.
"Honestly father, nothing's wrong." I whispered softly, "I'm just taking in this moment" I nodded.
He squeezes my hand gently, "you don't always have to be so strong, Tifa." It's almost like he knew I was lying, and as I'm about to open my mouth and say something Yuffie screams out.
"You got a fish!" Yuffie screams loudly.
My father jerks forward, grabbing the pole and reeling in the fish. He works up a small sweat reeling the fish in and after some five minutes, he pulls in a large trout on the hook. I smiled.
My father is completely soaked from the squirming wet fish. We giggled.
"You're soaked, father" I pointed out.
He laughs, "and this was my best uniform" he sighs.
We laugh.
"What do you girls think – should we barbeque or stew these fish, personally some broth sounds good too" he asks..
"Some barbeque fish sounds great, Mr. Lockhart" Yuffie says happily.
"That sounds great Yuffie, though I could really do with some broth and what about you Tifa?" he asks…
"Hmm, I think barbeque is just fine" I smiled, teasing my father.
"Barbeque it is" he sighs, "you girls are working in cohorts against me, aren't you?" he asks
We giggle..
We run to his side with the fishes in hand. He places his hands either side of his favourite girls ascending the small hill.
"I would say that's some of the best fishing we had in a long time, father. You still didn't lose your touch" I said, looking up at my father.
He laughs, "well, with two good luck charms, I couldn't fail" He squeezes us, affectionately.
We smiled…
Yuffie and I giggled enjoying the sight of my father barbequing fish. He indeed was quite humourous with the whole cooking thing. My father might be good at orchestrating a good war plan, but he was ghastly when cooking. Yuffie giggles harder, as the fire blew up singeing some of his hair.
I giggled myself. My father was quite comical.
"Father, perhaps one of us should cook the fish that way you and the fish wouldn't get burnt to a crisp" I laughed.
He sighs.
"I didn't think cooking a measly fish or two could be such a dread. Now I know to respect the cooks in the kitchen a little more" he informs, dusting his uniform off.
Yuffie jumps to his side, helping him with the fish.
My father smiles at her. It was like he found himself this cute little daughter, and her playful child-like demeanor made her so easy to love. He messily shuffles her hair, and she smiles at his affection. I liked seeing my father and Yuffie this way. She was already like a sister to me, and with the way my father treats her, she would be family in no time.
I'm about to help my father with a second fish when a voice interrupts our playful hour.
"Good afternoon, General Lockhart, ladies" comes a deep voice.
I turn to the voice and I'm surprised to see him.
"Cloud" I smiled elated.
He stands there inspecting me from head to toe. His cerulean eyes taking me in. He takes a single step forward bowing respectfully at me. He slowly averts his eyes to me, and this respectful, grownup Cloud makes me blush profusely.
"Good evening" I acknowledge him.
He audaciously approaches my side, taking my hands gently in his own. My blush, I suppose reddens some more as he gently caresses my hand. I look down, somehow confused at his blatant emotions and behaviour toward me. I turn from his intent stare.
"I missed you" he draws closer, whispering in my ear…
I stiffened, feeling uncomfortable in his gaze. His hands come around me, holding me intimately to him. With his gloved fingers, he strokes my cheek, gently raising my chin. For the most part his actions remain confusing to me, as it's obvious he's grown up from his shy, young self. I looked at the artifact of a man in front of me to see a handsome blonde soldier – educated, graced and perfect – just like a machine.
He slowly averts his head to mine, gently kissing my forehead.
Stunned I looked up, "Cloud?"
"Cloud" my father gingerly greets.
"General Lockhart, sir" Cloud releases his grasp on me, shaking my father's hand.
"So I see you've met her. She's returned to us even more beautiful" my father nudges Cloud playfully.
Cloud all the while remains graced and combed. He smiles.
"Indeed she has" his eyes captures mine for a second, but I turn away.
"S-So how's that fish coming along?" I tried to change the topic.
"The fish is cooking quite well, Yuffie here is a real pro" my father chuckles, "why don't you and Cloud, take a walk in the garden…" my father augments.
I was about to protest when Cloud interjects, "fantastic idea. I could do with some…" he stares at me tenderly, "some catching up" he advances towards me.
"Shall we?" he smirks…
I blushed, "sure" I weakly responded.
Cloud led me away from my comfortable confines to a more uncomfortable place. He holds my hand escorting me down the staircase.
"I missed you, Tifa" he says, "I missed you so much…" he whispers fiercely.
I swallowed. For some reason I didn't like the pace of things, or his tone of voice. He carries me into the beautiful garden near the fountain. It's beautiful here at night.
I sat down on a small bench near the fountain with Cloud's back to me.
"You can't imagine how scared we've all been. Every day I would think, I've pushed the most beautiful and charismatic woman I know..away" he shakes his head.
I stayed quiet listening to his soliloquy.
"Zack would return with reports each month of your progress and I would think, are you as well as these reports say you are? How do you survive and cope in a place like that" he turns to me, "I cursed myself everyday for letting you go… and the more time I spent away from you, fearing that I would never see you again..it made me yearn for you" he explains…
He comes to my side…
"I know you have questions about the man before you but I guarantee you, Tifa" he gently whispers my name, "that I am a different man. I'm all grown up and I'm finally, ready" he stoops before me.
I shivered, "for what?" I asked…
"To love you, with all my heart" he said in a convicted voice, "I know I've let you down my sweet Tifa, but I'll make it up to you, I'll-
I place a finger to his lips.
With my eyes closed and tears down my cheeks, I wouldn't put myself through this anymore.
I opened my eyes, "I've waited so long for those words, Cloud" I whispered
He holds my hand affectionately.
"I know my Tifa..I know" he nods.
"And I would you give you my heart, right this second" I winced… "but I can not, when I do not love you" I looked down.
He releases my hand, "what?" he asks softly.
"I'm sorry Cloud…" I tried to smile for him, but tears were all that came in it's stead.
"Why?" he fiercely whispers.
I stood to my feet.
"Tell me…" he says…
I tried to walk away, but he pulls me to him, "tell me" he grits his teeth.
I swallowed, "please don't make me" I pleaded…
He stiffens, "Tell me, Tifa" he shakes me.
"Because…" curtly I snapped, "because…" I looked up at him, tears in my eyes, "I'm in love with someone else." I pulled out his hold, "I'm sorry" …
He stands there completely frozen.
Turning my back to him, I ran away…
To be continued…