Chapter 34

April 24, 2012

It was day four of their honeymoon, and the first time that they spent a long stretch outside. Rick and Kate Castle were lying on an oversized beach blanket, each lazily savoring a book and soaking in the sun. By noon Rick had been itching to take a body board out in the hopes that there would be some credible waves. He had been playfully nudging his wife to join him but she had been putting him off with a string of 'one more chapter' responses. He eventually became antsy enough to take his board and run into the mild water solo.

Kate spent more time watching him than reading. The crystal clear water was wooing her. The surface was lazily undulating, showing no sign of whitecaps. It looked safe enough so she started to muster the courage to head in the water as though no anxiety could touch her. She reasoned that what she needed was not the privacy of a bathroom, but a setting such as this to get over herself. Since she was with Castle, her pride would assure that no matter what happened, she wouldn't overreact.

Before doubts could take hold, she grabbed the other board and made her way to where her husband was floating. She slung her arms across her board and held herself afloat, head erect, while they drifted a bit deeper. She felt a twinge of panic with every wave when her toes lost touch with the sand, but the ocean maintained a calming roll and she was managing as long as she faced the shore.

Rick was elated when she joined him. Kate was proud of herself for how normal she appeared as she ran a calming mantra through her mind.

I've got this. I'm over this. Castle's right here, I'm fine. It's no big deal. I've got this . . .

She worked to maintain a steady heart rate and she was managing well enough. As they were talking they had drifted deeper and the wind had picked up. The undulations subtly increased without Kate registering the change. She was still faring well until she saw Castle gaze in the distance with glee and heard him yell, "I'll race you!"

When she turned towards the open ocean she saw to her horror a succession of larger waves heading their way. Castle flicked his head over his shoulder at her, expecting to see her competitive streak kicking in. Instead she had stiffened and clenched her eyes shut. He immediately changed course and swam back to her. The first wave hit and knocked Kate forwards, away from her board, and for the first time in over a year she went under.

She felt the water saturating her with memories of being trapped. At first she couldn't order herself to move, ironically keeping herself in a watery prison. A surge of adrenalin finally broke through and drove her into a frenzy to survive.

Castle didn't understand exactly what had happened, but his lifeguard instincts had kicked in and he got to her as soon as he could. She should have been able to surface despite the pull of the waves, but she hadn't. He saw a splash, reached around her torso and pulled her up and before he knew it he had taken an elbow strike to his eye. Despite the pain, he used his full strength to hold her against him and pin her arms to her sides while he swam them to shallower water.

The whole event spanned only seconds but each second weighed heavily upon them both.

Embarrassed, She tried to untangle his arm from around her but he didn't budge.

"Please, let me go."

"No, Kate, not until you tell me what just happened."

"Noth –"

"It's not nothing!" He took a breath to calm himself then asked, "What just happened?"

"I don't like the water."

It sounded weak, even to her.

"I don't like broccoli, but I have never beaten someone up who tried to make me eat it."

Just then she realized how urgently she had been fighting him.

Oh no, my elbow . . .

She began to turn in his arms and he loosened his grip enough to let her.

She lifted her shaking fingers and gingerly touched around his eye. When she realized the damage she had done, her eyes reddened.

"Rick . . . I didn't . . . I'm sorry . . . I'm so sorry . . . We need to put ice on that."

He flinched away from her touch. "Not until we talk about this."

She closed her eyes and drew in a deep breath. "Alright, but not here, okay?"

Ignoring the boards that had floated toward shore, he motioned towards the beach and kept a hand solidly on the small of her back while they walked. They returned to the blanket and both sat, Kate as close to the edge as possible. Even though his instinct was to hover, he gave her space to work through her thoughts.

After a few swipes at her eyes with unsteady hands she explained, "I haven't been able to go underwater since the Hudson." She blew out a shaky breath and rubbed her forehead with her thumb and forefinger, shielding her face.

He was stunned. It had been over a year. "So every time you shower you're fighting this?"

She shook her head, "No, it's odd . . . I'm fine in the shower and even in the bath, so long as I don't go under. It's having my face completely submerged that I'm- that I can't tolerate."

Castle was sitting a few feet from her, his knees slightly bent and arms circling around them loosely. He lifted one hand and ran it through his hair then gripped the back of his neck. His adrenalin was still high and it was magnifying all his emotions. She'd had this pressing on her for over a year and he'd had no clue. He was supposed to be so intuitive and yet he'd missed the signs. Granted, she knew how to hide evidence. He mentally flipped back through their visits to the Hamptons. He couldn't remember her going under, but he couldn't remember her avoiding the water, either. She must have pushed herself just enough to seem like everything was normal, all the while fighting a high level of anxiety and willfully keeping it from him.

Castle glanced back at his wife.

She was a mess.

Aside from the drowning flashback, she was clearly upset that she'd elbowed him and while her tears cut him to pieces, he wasn't about to gloss over her deceit. He had to choose his words carefully because he didn't want to make whatever this was worse, but she had to know that she couldn't keep him at arm's length any longer. She had to understand that he was in this one hundred percent and she didn't have to fight her demons alone anymore.

"Kate, why didn't you tell me?"

Through his tone she could hear just how deeply she'd wounded him. Now that she had been discovered, it seemed silly that she'd worked so hard to hide it.

"Because it's irrational, and it's just one more thing, you know? I've been trying to get over it, and I thought maybe being here with you, if I forced myself to act normally that I'd be okay, but I shouldn't have assumed, and now your eye . . . "

He could tell it was starting to swell, but he really didn't want anything to distract them from this conversation so he shifted to sit next to her so it was less in her line of sight. He took her hand and laced their fingers.

"Kate, it's not irrational. You nearly died, and that would affect anyone. The week after it happened, when you went back to your apartment I couldn't sleep. I kept lying in bed thinking what would have happened if I hadn't found your gun, or if I had been just a moment too late. I'd close my eyes and feel your limp body in my arms. That night when I swam us to the surface I didn't know if you were even still alive."

"I didn't know that."

"Maybe I should have told you at the time, but you were getting over pneumonia and I knew you needed time to yourself. Once you were over more often than not, it passed." He looked wryly at her. "Anyway, I was trying to impress a girl, who hadn't seemed emotionally scarred by any of it." He nudged her shoulder with his. She shook her head.

"Kate, it's okay to be human. It's okay if things affect you, but it's not okay to keep them from me." He found her ring finger and kissed it. "This isn't just a one-of-a-kind piece of art. This means we're in this together . . . everything, the good, the bad and the ugly . . . although that last part could never apply to either of us. I mean look at these fine manly features," he circled a finger around his face then up and down her as he continued, "and you're the embodiment of hotness." That earned him a smile at least.

"Rick, I was just so sick and weak than and you were such a mother hen as it was." She rolled her eyes and cut him off as he made to interrupt, "I know, I needed it. I just didn't want to give you another reason to worry. Time passed and I felt more and more guilty that I couldn't just make myself get over it." She shook her head, "I guess that backfired."

"Yeah, I suppose it did, especially since I brought you to an island for our honeymoon. Talk about irony."

"You couldn't have known. It's beautiful here and as long as my head is above water I'm fine. And now I don't have to worry about you surprise dunking me."

He grimaced, "I can't believe I never did that. There were so many times I could have pulled you under. I could've never lived with myself had I'd scared you that badly." He motioned towards where they had been in the waves.

"Oh, I knew you had sneak attack potential so I made sure to employ surefire distraction techniques." She flicked up an eyebrow at his dopey smile as he remembered some of them.

"Wow, you were good. I had no idea." His expression sobered. "Kate, I know you thought you needed to prove something to yourself, but that should never have been at the expense of trusting me."

"I know, and I'm feeling very foolish right now, if that makes you feel any better."

"Depends on how repentant you are." He twitched his eyebrow. He always seemed to be able to balance difficult conversations. He made her understand with no uncertain terms how he felt, but she always walked away knowing things were somehow better.

Her eyes shifted down. "I need to confess one more thing. The day you found me asleep against the bathtub, I'd filled the sink and given myself an ultimatum. I couldn't put my face in the water and I was so angry and frustrated. I never wanted you to have to deal with this but it was never because I didn't trust you, it was because I didn't think it was fair to you."

"You do understand the flaw in your logic, right?"

"Yeah, what wasn't fair was me hiding something from you no matter how neurotic or embarrassing. Apparently, the consequences are not only broken trust, but also the occasional black eye. That alone will make me think twice about keeping anything from you ever again." She squeezed his hand. "I am sorry, Castle."

"Lucky for you the evidence of spousal abuse should be gone before we return to the precinct. I won't be able to press charges. Not that your henchmen would let me file a report anyway."

"Lucky me." She half laughed, half sobbed. "Wait, my what?"

"That's a story for another time." He touched her chin and they turned to face each other fully. She cringed as his eye came into full view.

"Hey, this was an accident. I'm not ever going to hold this against you, okay?"

She nodded.

"Now, is there anything I can do to help?"

"I don't know. I've tried everything to get myself over this, but nothing seems to work. After today I'm afraid that if you're anywhere near me next time I try that I might break your nose."

"I don't care."

"You will when your face is permanently mangled."

"It's a risk I'm willing to take. I don't want you to be alone when you try again, okay?"

"Okay." Although she had no intention of trying any time soon, she wasn't going to deny him anything after what she had just done.

"Anyway, you know I'm always happy to chaperone bath time."

She replied dryly, "You're too kind."

He lay back on the blanket, tugging her down on top of him.

He splayed both hands on her shoulders. "Kate, you really did scare me."

"I'm sorry, Castle. I really am."

He tenderly stroked her sides, "I know you are, I just need a minute."

She knew he needed to touch her, to feel that she was okay, that they were okay. She leaned down and kissed his lips then all around his eye. She lazily ran her fingers through his hair as she looked at him for reassurance and to assess the damage.

She framed one side of his face with her palm. "You need ice."

"Do you think Patterson has bendy straws?"

"I'm not sure there's anything Patterson doesn't have."

They made their way to the house, grabbing their boards from where they had washed up on the beach. Once inside, Kate wrapped ice in a towel, grabbed two bottles of Propel (apparently Patterson wasn't a straw or Gatorade guy at all) and sat on the couch. She put a pillow on her lap to lure her husband then iced his eye with one hand and ran her fingers through his hair with the other.

They gazed at each other, neither one wanting to break the connection. Kate brushed her fingers across his brow, his neck, his ear, his lips, touching a continued apology.

"Kate, You know how much I love you, right? No matter what either one of us is up against, it's you and me now . . . you and me."

He lifted a hand to skim his fingers on her neck then slowly down until he placed his hand over her scar, her heart. She secured with her own. She bit her lip and nodded, blinking back tears.

Clouds had rolled in and rain soon followed so they opted to have a low key day and watch movies in Patterson's ridiculously lavish home theatre. They resumed their positions of Castle laying down with his head in Kate's lap. She kept ice on his eye and plied him with snacks. He smiled up at her and cought her fingers now and then and brought them to his lips, coating each one with kisses. He tried to tug her down to lie next to him several times but she just shook her head and kept running her fingers through his hair or kneading his muscles.

Despite their reconciliation Kate had been tentative; not withdrawing completely, just very quiet. Castle had understood, after all, her elbow was sharp and his eye had nearly swollen shut so she couldn't exactly escape from the evidence of her sins. He'd forgiven her but guilt would eat at her as long as the bruising lasted.

He needed a way to put her at ease.

Eventually Castle commandeered the remote and turned off the TV. He sat up and turned towards her, waiting for her to meet his eyes. She did so only briefly. Instead of rehashing what had happened or offering more assurances that he was fine he hesitantly asked if he could draw Kate a bath. Instead of joining her, he read to her. That had become a ritual of theirs when they'd had a rough day at the precinct. It was a happy compromise; her instinct would be to cry for space and his would be to hover.

When he finished a few chapter, he closed the book and asked nervously, "Can I wash your hair?"

She looked uncertain so he continued, "You can tell me no, I'll understand. I was just thinking that it might be relaxing, and I'll make sure only the back of your head goes under, if that's okay."

Kate wanted to say no because she wasn't sure she trusted herself. Then she realized that the bigger issue was that he needed to know that she trusted him. Even though she was not completely comfortable, she agreed.

"I'll be careful. Just say the word and I'll back off. Hey, what is your safe word, anyway?"

"Back off."

"That's two words."

"It gets the point across."

"True." He smiled then soberly asked, "Kate, are you sure you're okay with this?"

"Rick, I trust you."

He moved behind the head of the bath and tugged her ponytail holder, freeing her hair to fall gently over her shoulders into the water. She scooted down and rested her head in his hands. He very slowly lowered her into the water, keeping her ears dry and she tilted her head back so she was looking upside down at him. She looked so vulnerable, and he knew that she was doing this for him. His expression showed the weight of this gift she was giving him as he cupped water and dampened the sides of her hair and took extra care not to dribble any on her face as he got the front. He lifted her then poured what Kate knew to be way too much shampoo into his hand and started to work it through.

Little by little she was relaxing.

He took extra time massaging her scalp and humming whatever seemed to come to mind.

He gently squeezed the back of her neck. "You ready?"

She nodded and eased back into the water. He kept careful control of her head and she allowed him to keep it afloat. She closed her eyes as he lowered her and used one hand to cup water to rinse the front and sides. He had to work a long time to clear the suds away since he had gone a bit overboard, but Kate hadn't minded.

Once he was done rinsing she felt a feather light kiss on her forehead and she sat up while he applied the conditioner. It was obvious that he had been a father to a girl. He worked it in with his fingers slipping down each strand to make sure all the tangles were out. He placed both his hands on her shoulders and started working them before gently guiding her so he could rinse her hair once again.

When he was finished, she tilted her head back and simply said, "Thank you."

He leant forward and hovered above her, their faces opposite. He grazed her lips with his own, bringing back memories of the first real wisp of a kiss she had given him over a year ago. He crinkled his one good eye as he spoke their simple promise, "Always."

A/N: This wraps up Part II. So stand and stretch, get a snack and pat your author on the back with a review if you feel so inclined. :) To those precious readers who have left reviews. THANK YOU! Each one makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside and gives me the will to keep writing.

Part III is jam packed and picks up the pace with a fluid storyline rather than a series of one shots. Be prepared to hold on tight!