A/N Well, I've finally managed to write another instalment! I have quite a bit to say, but I'll leave it all for the author's note at the end of this chapter. Happy reading!
Chapter Thirty-Six
Hermione woke once more a little later in the morning. She felt incredibly nauseated, and there was the hint of a headache pulsing at the back of her skull, ready to invade with full force if she moved too quickly. Groaning, she shifted (slowly) to a more comfortable position, hoping that if she went back to sleep she'd wake up feeling better. As she moved, her arm brushed her breast, and she realised with a jolt that there was no barrier of clothing in between. The knowledge removed the last vestiges of sleep from her brain. In fact, all she was wearing was a pair of knickers. A pair of old, white, unattractive knickers with drooping elastic. Passion killers, she thought, with rising hysteria. What the hell happened last night?
She remembered drinking champagne, giving Severus a midnight kiss… then a rather enthusiastic removal of clothes. At the memories, she groaned again, blushing furiously. She'd been not a little forward last night. There had been lots of touching, and exploring… but no sex, thank god. Still, her actions would probably… no, definitely… create tension between herself and her current partner-in-exile. And not a pleasant sort of tension, either. What have I done? She liked Severus, yes. Respected him, was attracted to him. But to force her attentions on him as she had last night! What would happen if he regretted it? If he didn't want anything further to do with her? The friendly relationship that they'd spent so much time working on would be ruined. Looking around her slowly, she realised that the bed next to her was empty. She heard water running behind the closed bathroom door. Hermione cautiously slipped out of bed, and went about finding her clothes.
Severus didn't come out of the bathroom for a full half hour, but when he did he was looking like his usual self. He didn't say a word to her, however, merely going to the armchair near the window and gazing out across London.
"Severus?" she asked tentatively.
"You ought to shower. It's check-out soon." His voice was calm, even, and betrayed not a hint of emotion. He didn't turn from the apparently riveting view from the window.
Hermione didn't reply, but simply headed off to the bathroom as suggested. Her headache had, thankfully, disappeared, but a distinct sense of queasiness remained. She needed something to eat, she reflected. Is this what a hangover feels like? I thought the idea of food was supposed to make me feel even sicker? Having never reached the level of inebriation she had experienced the previous evening, she really didn't know. She took her clothes off in front of the mirror, and was shocked to find love bites on her neck and left breast. At least he can't deny that he was a more-than-willing participant in last night's actions, she thought bitterly. His behaviour was worrying, and certainly didn't bode well. She would like nothing more than a romantic relationship, but one night of hormonal groping was certainly not worth the expense of the easy camaraderie they had fallen into in the past few weeks. She jumped into the shower with a strong sense of foreboding. Alcohol simply lessens inhibitions, she told herself firmly. We didn't do anything we didn't already want to do.
She wasn't so sure of that when she emerged from the shower, however, to see Severus still staring out the window.
"Last night," she said hesitantly, not quite sure what she wanted to say but knowing that they needed to talk.
"It's check-out time," he said toneless. "We need to go." He turned from the window to the door, without so much as glancing in her direction.
She felt something snap inside her. "Running away from me isn't going to fix anything," she told him bluntly.
He did turn then, and caught her eyes for a few moments, looking at her with an unreadable expression. "No?" he asked. Then turned and left the hotel room. Hermione sighed in frustration and followed him from the room.
They Apparated home in silence, forgoing the usual moral debate about Apparition over muggle transport. Severus went straight to his room without saying a word or making eye contact. After watching him disappear up the stairs, Hermione slowly made her way to the living room, sinking into the armchair for some serious thought.
She knew she liked Severus. She was beginning to rely more and more on the man, and genuinely enjoyed his company. Hermione genuinely loved Harry and Ron, but were she forced to cohabit with them she knew that she would be driven to insanity before long. The reverse was true with Severus. Admittedly, they'd had problems at the beginning. But the problems had been more to do with defining their roles and their relationship with one another, and once a friendly peace had emerged, they had begun to rely upon each other. At least, Hermione knew she relied on him.
The spying had only increased her attraction to him. To be in such a dangerous situation with only one other person and trusting each other with their lives was a heady experience, and one that could not help but result in increasing closeness. And last night… last night was a natural release of those feelings. A physical expression of the comfort, desire, friendship, and closeness that the two shared.
Hermione pursed her lips, filled with self-doubt. What if all these feelings were one-sided? Severus was used to spying, thoroughly accustomed to difficult circumstances. Living in such close quarters with her wouldn't affect him in nearly the same way as it affected her. What if, for him, last night had just been a reaction to the alcohol, a natural reaction that any man would have when faced with a half-naked girl willingly sharing his bed?
Hermione pinched herself, hard. Her thoughts were going around in circles, and wouldn't solve anything. She needed to speak to Severus. They'd reached a level of intimacy where they had been able to discuss anything and everything together. Surely the previous night hadn't destroyed that. Yes, Severus would be awkward. She would give him the afternoon to recover. Cook a meal, perhaps. Deciding that a walk would do her some good, Hermione left a note saying that she had gone to the supermarket, and went shopping for the evening meal.
On her return, laden with groceries, the house was still as silent as when she had left it, the note untouched. Shrugging, and sighing deeply, Hermione set about preparing the evening meal. It was perhaps a little early for dinner, but neither of them had eaten breakfast or lunch (at least, as far as she knew), and Hermione had always found cooking soothing.
She opened a bottle of red wine to go with the meal, and decided a fortifying sip or two wouldn't go amiss before she called Severus to dinner. This was how he found her, a few minutes later, slowly sipping from her glass and staring out the window at the sinking sun.
"Turning to alcoholism after the events of last night?" he asked, but without any real bite. She spun, relieved that he had come of his own accord, and pleased that he was making jokes. Well, hoping that he was making jokes.
"Oh yes, you'll have to book me into AA," she replied lightly, smiling to show that she, too, was joking. "I've made dinner. Will you join me?"
He inclined his head, and she took the steaming casserole from the oven and into the dining room. Severus followed, and when she turned she saw that he had brought the bottle of wine and two glasses.
"I received an owl from Lucius while you were out this afternoon," Severus told her. "He wishes for us to join him for a more intimate dinner party three days from now. I have not yet replied, but I have drafted an acceptance if you would care to read it."
He passed her a folded piece of parchment, which she opened and read. "It looks good. I think I'll be more comfortable now I know what to expect."
He nodded sharply, and took the parchment from her, careful not to brush her fingers. Hermione sighed softly.
"The casserole is good," Severus remarked.
"Thank you," she replied flatly.
He looked up, eyebrow raised. "You doubt my sincerity?"
Hermione exploded. "So we're down to inanities now, is that it? Small talk for the next three months until you get over your embarrassment from last night? 'I wrote a letter, what do you think?' 'Dinner tastes good.' 'I hear it's going to rain tomorrow.' For God's sake, Severus, talk to me!"
"What would you have me say?" he asked softly, swirling his untouched wine, staring at the refractions of the light through the glass. "That I regret taking advantage of you? That I cannot face myself in the mirror? That I truly regret drinking so much that I no longer had control over my desires? I did not mean to hurt you, Hermione."
His speech dampened her anger, and she felt equal mixtures of relief and exasperation. "Severus, the alcohol didn't make us do anything. I've wanted to… to be with you for a while now. I certainly don't think you've taken advantage of me. And I'm pretty sure I invited you to… do the things we did. I'll understand if you don't want to pursue anything with me. I realise that I'm young, and inexperienced, and that you probably don't want me in that way. I don't regret last night at all. But if you want to forget it, then I won't bring it up again."
There was silence for a few, interminably long, seconds. Abruptly, Hermione stood, and walked briskly to the kitchen. She fumbled with the cupboard door, took out a glass, and began filling it with water. Her hands trembled, and she realised her sight was blurry with tears. She took a deep breath, which quickly turned into a gasp and she felt a warm body behind her and arms snaking around her waist.
"I'm sorry," he said, into her ear. "I should have spoken to you earlier. I should not have run away this morning. I want you very much, and I have no intention of forgetting what happened last night."
A sob turned into a hiccup, and Hermione realised that she was crying. She turned in his arms and beat his chest lightly with her fists.
"You could bloody well have been that plain in bed this morning." She hiccupped again, and buried her head in his chest.
He hesitantly brought a hand to the back of her head, and then began stroking her hair.
"I have little experience in these matters," he said softly.
She withdrew a little, enough to look him in the eyes as she retorted, "And neither do I!" before pulling him closer still. He held her for a few moments longer, then disengaged.
"Will you kiss me again?" he asked, a small smile playing on his lips.
"You're not supposed to ask that question!" she told him, wiping the tears from her eyes at last.
"Why not?"
Mortified, Hermione realised that she was blushing. "Because… because you just don't. You're supposed to just kiss me."
Slowly, his smile turned into a smirk. "You're shy!" he said. "After all that happened last night, you're shy!"
"Don't you mock me," she said warningly, colour mounting even more in her cheeks.
"I wouldn't dream of it," he told her smugly, and then pulled her up for a kiss.
"You know," he said, pulling back ever-so-slightly and murmuring against her lips, "we have an entire day to catch up on."
Hermione could not agree more.
A/N So there's one more! Many apologies for the emotional mess that this chapter has been, but I'm defending myself on the basis that when something like this happens, I don't think either of my characters would be able to focus on anything other than The Events of The Previous Night. More "real" plot will emerge in the next few chapters, I promise you, and Lucius will be making an appearance again soon! I'm very pleased with the reviews from the last chapter, thank you all so much! I apologise to those of you who think this is all too much, too soon, but I think that there has been tension coming to a head between the two for quite a while, and that the timing was right. It won't all be smooth sailing (how could it be?), but it'll certainly be an interesting journey.
On a different note, I want to thank Vesper XI for having betaed the last couple of chapters! She's retiring from this fic, but I appreciate all the help she's given me. Thank you! If anyone would be interested in betaing for me, and has any previous experience, please let me know!